Not even a plan A (part Deux): Oftwat: Dopey’s missus aims at Brighton: Frosty parade: Septic loo paper: Yeti isn’t: and a Folding pussy.

Cold and clammy with vast amounts of high velocity atmospheric movement at the castle this morn, the study has a couple of Macs awaiting a blow through and his Maj has discovered how to open doors by hanging on the handles.

I see that son of a B...aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I failed my O level maths) Osborne is thinking about using £10 billion of our money to underwrite loans to small businesses.

Under the "credit easing" scheme, aimed at boosting growth, the government would underwrite banks' borrowing so they could borrow more cheaply.

I may not be very bright but isn’t “growth” so piss poor because the electorate doesn’t have any money to spend, thus we are buying less which leads to manufacturing decreases, which leads to more unemployment which leads to even more of us having less money to spend, which leads to....

Solution: we need more money-reduce VAT and go juice tax, ban above inflation rises by “energy” suppliers and transport movers then we could begin to spend again and maybe despite the Piss Poor policies Millionaires Club Coalition’s efforts to totally balls up Blighty the economy might begin to recover.

But then again, I may not be very bright.

 And talking of rip orf “providers”

Household water bills will rise by up to 10 per cent next spring, heaping further misery on consumers and adding as much as £60 to annual bills.

The price rises will further dent families’ disposable incomes, which are already depleted by rising petrol, heating and food prices.

Household water and sewage prices are fixed every April by the UK’s 22 water companies. The utility firms base their prices each spring on the previous November’s RPI inflation figure, meaning that next year’s bills will increase by the current rate of inflation, which is running at a near-record high of over 5 per cent. This alone will add £20 to the average household water bill of £356.

However on top of the inflation-based increase, industry regulator Oftwat allows water companies to raise prices by an additional amount each year.

These above-inflation allowances, which are pre-arranged by Oftwat every five years, will push many bills up significantly further.

For example Thames Water, which provides water to 9 million people in London and the Thames Valley, is allowed by the regulator to raise next year’s prices by 4.6 per cent above inflation. This means that a typical water and sewage bill in London could rise by £30 to £350 in total.

Of the UK’s 22 water companies, just six have been set targets by Oftwat to reduce their prices after inflation next year.

 Point made.... 

Meanwhile: 

House of Commons speaker Bercow’s bride

Wants to be an MP; Dopey’s better half marked her birthday last week by declaring she is ready to throw her "hat into the ring" to become a Labour MP. But, after confiding she didn't fancy all the "slogging around" looking for a seat, she has hopes of winning back a marginal for Labour.

Apparently "Brighton could be one, because I don't think they are into identikit politicians," she told The Argus newspaper in the city. "I know Brighton very well. I was brought up in West Sussex, and I love Brighton to bits."

Nice to see that bed sheet Sally is fully committed....

More than a smidge over to the left

A man in a "Frosty the Snowman" costume was arrested Saturday during the annual Christmas parade in Chestertown, on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. He’s accused of scuffling with police and kicking at a police dog.

Sgt. John A. Dolgos tells The Star Democrat of Easton that 52-year-old Kevin Michael Walsh became agitated when a dog-handling officer tried to escort him away from the crowd.

Bit of a frosty reception then...

And further down the Americas

Federal prosecutors in Florida say at least three people working for a septic tank company duped customers into buying about $1 million in unnecessary products -- in some cases enough toilet paper to last more than 70 years.

More than a dozen customers were told they needed special toilet paper to avoid ruining their septic tanks because the federal government changed regulations on toilet paper. The federal government does not regulate septic tank products.

The trio pleaded guilty in federal court to conspiring to commit wire fraud.

The Miami Herald reported that they worked for FBK Products. A phone number for the Riviera Beach-based company was not working Saturday.

The trio faces up to two decades in prison when they are sentenced in February.

Hope the toilet paper in jail is soft.....

Right a lot to the other side of the non-existent iron curtain

Last month a group of international scientists made headlines last month after suggesting they were "95 percent" certain they'd found evidence that the elusive Yeti -- or fabled Siberian Snowman -- really exists.

But one scientist who was part of the big snowman hunt tells The Huffington Post that local Siberian officials staged the entire snowman scenario -- all for publicity.

 Oh Yeti is....

And finally:

Back over to the land of the pet and the home of the vet

A rare breed of feline descended from a Perthshire barn cat has become the hottest new pet in Hollywood.

The Scottish Fold – distinctive because its folded down ears give it an appealing “owl-like” appearance – has become one of the most desired cat breeds in America, with celebrities including Kirsten Dunst, Mia Farrow and country music megastar Taylor Swift – who tweeted pictures of her new Scottish Fold kitten last week – shelling out thousands of dollars to get hold of one.

The exotic breed is descended from a white barn cat that lived on a farm near Coupar Angus in 1961, when its unusual folded-ear appearance, believed to be the result of a spontaneous genetic mutation, caught the eye of local shepherd William Ross. He asked for a kitten from the litter for breeding purposes and every Scottish Fold is believed to be descended from that one animal.

Scottish Folds cannot be bred with each other without causing severe genetic mutation, meaning it is common for a litter to contain only one cat with the true folded ear appearance. As a result they regularly change hands for up to £1,000. Prospective owners are often placed on waiting lists or even entered into lotteries for available kittens.

Nowt to do with me.....bless....

That’s it: I’m orf to check for fakes.

And today’s thought: 

Angus

Piss “Poor” Policy: Le Train: Pitt Police: Tilting time: Light of the Elfandsafety: and Oh Yeti is.

Dark, dismal, damp and dingy at the Castle this morn, the study is empty of all things broken and bollixed, his Maj is chasing things in the garden, the Honda has reached 162 miles on twenty squids worth of go juice and my lovely young lady arrived yestermorn to trim my locks.

According to the Institute of Fiscal Studies

The number of children living in poverty in Britain will rise by 600,000 to 2.8 million by 2012-13.

The introduction of the irritable bowel twins universal credit will lift 450,000 children out of poverty but, the IFS says other benefit changes – such as linking payment increases to consumer prices – will offset this. It projects that by the end of the decade, 23 per cent of children will be in absolute poverty and 24 per cent in relative poverty.

That would mean the legally binding targets set under the 2010 Child Poverty Act being comprehensively missed. The 2010 Child Poverty Act set a target for absolute poverty to fall to 5 per cent of children and relative poverty to fall 10 per cent by 2020.

The Department for Work and Pensions says the IFS did not take into consideration the beneficial impact on poverty levels that it expects to result from improving the incentives for parents to work.

Which means that if the IFS are right 23 percent of families in Blighty will be “living” in poverty?

 And allegedly:

British taxpayers are spending up to £400,000 a year to help maintain French trains in the aftermath of a failed European transport project.

The aborted rail scheme cost British taxpayers more than £180million but the Department for Transport continues to fund the failure.

It spent “between £300,000 and £400,000 last year” on mothballed facilities for the aborted Regional Eurostar project that would have provided a direct link between cities such as Manchester and Glasgow to Paris.

Seven trains were built for the Regional Eurostar but they were passed to the French train operator SNCF because its high-speed link between Paris and Lille was short of carriages.

A depot in Manchester to maintain the trains is still the responsibility of London & Continental Railways, a firm which is wholly owned by the DfT. 

Here’s an idea-I have heard that there is a tunnel under the channel, why not take the trains to the French owners and let them pay.

Over in the land of wheat and wine

Hungarian police announced Monday they had seized a shipment of weapons stored in a warehouse near Budapest airport, only for a film producer to reveal they were props for a new Brad Pitt movie.

Police told a press conference they had found and confiscated the arsenal -- which included machine guns, hand guns and sniper guns but no ammunition -- at a customs-free area near the airport during a raid at dawn on Monday.

"The military guns arrived from London on Saturday at Liszt Ferenc International Airport," Janos Hajdu, director of the police's Counterterrorism Centre, was cited by Hungarian newswire MTI, adding that the aircraft transporting the weapons left the airport right after unloading.

The Hungarian police had contacted its counterparts in Britain for more information, he also said.

As it turns out, the weapons were actually meant as props for a new zombie movie featuring Hollywood star Brad Pitt, "World War Z”.

Shooting in Hungary for the film was to begin Monday evening in an industrial district of Budapest, according to RTL Klub.

 

Firing blanks?

Back in Blighty

It seems that Big Ben has gorn all Italian

St Stephen’s tower is a bit wonky, and is on the lean to such an extent that the tilt can now be clocked with the naked eye, according to a report commissioned by London Underground and the Parliamentary Estates Department.

“The tilt is now just about visible. You can see it if you stand on Parliament Square and look east, towards the river. I have heard tourists there taking photographs saying ‘I don’t think it is quite vertical’ - and they are quite right,” emeritus professor and senior research investigator at Imperial College, London, John Burland, told the Sunday Telegraph.

The level of the tilt has accelerated since 2003, increasing to 0.9 mm a year, compared to the long-term average rate of 0.65 mm a year, the report revealed.

These levels are not considered to be unsafe.

The tilt has resulted in the formation of cracks in the walls and ceilings of parts of the House of Commons, including the Minister’s Wing.

Maybe it’s the entrance to the underworld opening up for the residents.

Up North

A church is refusing to change a light bulb because it says overzealous health and safety rules mean it would cost £500 to change the £2 fixture.

Health and safety rules mean scaffolding is required whenever a bulb needs replacing in the 30ft internal roof at St Mary's Church in Cottingham, Humberside. The church says the rules mean they cannot simply use ladders to change the bulb.

He added: "Health and safety concerns also rule out candlelight as an alternative for the grade one listed building.

But there may soon be light at the end of the tunnel for St Mary's. The village church is now looking at installing an LED (light-emitting diode) lighting system. LEDs have a longer lifetime so the lights would not have to be so frequently replaced."

Not replacing bulbs would save the church valuable funds at a time when costs are high. The church has had £30,000 of roof lead stolen in five raids in the past three years, including the latest theft in August.

Father Smith said stolen lead is being replaced with stainless steel in a bid to deter the thieves. Villagers have rallied round to help with fundraising, with the church's recent annual Gift Day raising about £6,000.

 

Ah, the old Elfandsafety scaffold ploy....

And finally: 

Over to the right a fair way

Yesterday a Russian region in Siberia confidently proclaimed that its mountains are home to yetis after finding "indisputable proof" of the existence of the hairy beasts in an expedition.

The local administration of the Kemerovo region in the south of Siberia said in a statement on its website that footprints and possibly even hair samples belonging to the yeti were found on the research trip to its remote mountains.

Apparently they found its footprints, its supposed bed, and various markers with which the yeti marks his territory, the statement said. The collected "artefacts" will be analysed in a special laboratory.

Probably Premier league footballers in hiding......

That’s it: I’m orf to check out the moat-just in case. 

And today’s thought: Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

 Angus

Boring budget: Arepa, Arepa: Automatic kiss: Hanging out in China: My-what a big sausage: and Yeti-gain.

Loads of misty stuff at the Castle this morn, just been down to Tesco to stock up on stale bread and gruel, the forecourt was packed with motorists enjoying the 1p per litre cut-not, and because the weather was far too nice to sit indoors in front of the one eyed dominator yesterday, I took a day off and went to the seaside.

There may be a second post later today-then again………

Over in the land of the mushroom shaped rising sun

Engineers have resumed work to restore the cooling system of reactor 3 at Japan's stricken Fukushima Daiichi nuclear power plant, reports say.

Good luck with that, and if they knew that the reactors were in an earthquake zone, why didn’t they build them on the North coast?

And in Gadaffi land

The debacle continues, Infighting and confusion over the command of the Libya military mission threatened on Wednesday night to continue into next week as NATO remained deeply split and Barack Obama announced the US would pull back "this week".

No surprises there then.

As to the Budget

Load of old bollocks presented by the wanker reptilian alien in disguise.

Across the big wet thing to the left and down a lot

Employees of Venezuela's largest food company cooked the world's largest arepa Wednesday, producing a flattened corn flour patty weighing 1,087.31 pounds (493.2 kilos). It was 19.7 feet (6 meters) across.

Arepas, which vaguely resemble Mexican tamales, are a traditional favourite in this South American country and neighbouring Colombia. The patties are usually stuffed with fillings like shredded beef, cheese or black beans.

The previous record weight for an arepa was 440 pounds (200 kilos).

Why?

Up a bit to the state of the retired

Helen Staudinger, 92, wanted a kiss, and authorities say she wouldn’t take no for an answer.

The central Florida woman fired a semi-automatic pistol four times at her 53-year-old neighbour’s house after he refused to kiss her, police said Tuesday.

“If my head would have been over just a little bit further, (a bullet) probably would have hit me in the back of the head,” the neighbour, Dwight Bettner, told Reuters.

Staudinger was in jail Tuesday, a day after being arrested on charges of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and shooting into a dwelling.

According to a police report, Staudinger told deputies she went to Bettner’s house in Fort McCoy, Florida, and refused to leave until he gave her a kiss.

When he said no, they argued and she left angry, the report said

Bettner said he was on the phone with his father moments later when he heard gunshots. One bullet went through a window, spraying him with glass.

The former law enforcement officer said his elderly neighbour had seemed attracted to him since he moved in six months ago.

“I’ve taken her trash out for her, just neighbourly stuff,” Bettner said. “I guess she just took that as something else.”

Moral-never help out the loony old bat next door, especially if she has a gun…..

East many, many thingies

Hundreds of people attended a naked and fancy dress skiing party in the mountains of western China.

They wore a bizarre range of costumes - but only 22 were brave enough to turn out in the snow naked or partially dressed.

Two male skiers turned out for the 'Naked Pig' event, at the Tianchi International Ski Resort, in Urumqi, Xinjiang province, completely nude apart from their skis, boots and hats.

"We have this party at the end of the skiing season each year but this has been the best yet," said a spokesman for the resort.

The prize for best costume was won by Zhang Rongmin, who dressed as a half-naked Arab.

And the 'Coldest Beauty' award went to Xie Yong, who wore nothing but a snowflake to cover his modesty. Both won the equivalent of £100 and a trophy.

I get this image of a pickled Walnut……

Left to the land of pasta and Bunga-Bunga

Butchers in Italy have pinched the record for creating the world’s longest sausage from their Romanian counterparts, creating a banger more than half a kilometre long.

The 594-metre long sausage took ten cooks from Penne, a small town in the centre of the country, three hours to craft.

More than half a tonne of meat - weighing exactly 1,300 lbs - was used to stuff the skin for the longest-ever sausage, which was produced in the main street.

It was officially measured at 597.8m and was declared to have easily beaten the previous Romanian record-holder, whose sausage was only 392m in length, according to the Guinness Book of Records.

The giant sausage was cut up into 7,000 ordinary-sized bangers, stuffed in sandwiches and sold to the spectators to raise money for local charity Caritas.

What a whopper……

And finally:

Up a fair bit and right a smidge

A scientific institute to study yetis is to open in Siberia, under plans being considered by officials.

The Russian coal-mining region of Kemerovo in western Siberia will announce its final decision after hosting an international conference on yetis later this year, according to the regional government's education and science department.

"The town of Tashtagol will host an international conference with leading experts into hominids. Based on its results, we will take a decision on opening a scientific research institute to study the yeti."

Yetis, or Abominable Snowmen, are hairy apelike creatures of popular myth that are generally believed to inhabit the Himalayas.

But some believe Russia also holds a population of yetis, which it calls Snow Men, in remote areas of Siberia such as the mountains in the southern part of Kemerovo around Tashtagol.

Kemerovo officials cited yeti researcher Igor Burtsev as saying that around 30 Russian scientists are studying yetis and could work together at the planned institute.

The Kemerovo region has used its reputation for sightings of yetis to promote tourism. It holds an annual Yeti Day and this year it will run an ice sculpture competition called "In the World of the Yeti".

Err……right.

That’s it: I’m orf to welsh Wales to catch a glimpse of a Beaver.

And today’s thought: a quote from Tara Palmer-Tomkinson-"I often pay homeless people to come round and clean my car."  

Angus