Gale is howling and Dawn’s crack is nowhere to be seen at
the Castle this morn, the sky water is moving horizontally across the vista and
his Maj has discovered the joy of shoving his nose into my ear and purring to
wake me up.
And as Blighty returns to "normal" after what seems like two weeks of "celebration".
Is going to “tackle excess in the City”, with the same
energy that it is clamping down on benefits cheats, and bring down the deficit
this twenty eleven plus one.
Our beloved Prime Monster is going to be “bold, confident
and decisive” about the future.
Knob head Dave is pinning his hopes on the Olympics and her
Maj’s diamond jubilee to fill in the black hole that his Piss Poor Policies
have created.
Meanwhile more
than five hundred health workers have been vaccinated against smallpox enabling
them to deal with a biological terror attack at this year’s Olympics.
And our barmy “justice”
system has decided that a trainee accountant from Bangladesh who came to
Britain to study has been granted permission to remain in the country after
successfully claiming that he had made friends and played cricket on Sundays.
While the Home Office turned down Abdullah Munawar’s initial
bid to stay on in the UK after graduating, the courts overturned the decision
and ruled that he could continue to enjoy a “private life” in this country
under Article 8 of the European Convention of Human Rights.
And just to cap it all; hundreds
of thousands of elderly people are being robbed of their dignity by
England’s failing social care services and left at risk of “terrible abuse and
neglect”, U-Turn Cam has been warned.
Thousands are forced to sell their homes and use up their
savings to pay rising care bills each year, while businesses are losing
experienced staff who are forced to quit to look after their relatives.
In a letter published in The Daily Telegraph on Tuesday, the
experts say that a lack of “political leadership” must not be allowed to
condemn 800,000 frail pensioners to a life of loneliness any longer.
Oh to be in England now that aliens rule...
Large vans and
minibuses which are more than 10 years old are facing a new charge of £100 a
day in Greater London, if they fail to meet pollution limits.
It is the first
time the vehicles have fallen under the Low Emission Zone, which covers most
roads inside the M25.
From today tougher
restrictions will also mean £200 daily fees for Lorries, buses and coaches
which fall short of European Union standards on pollution.
Also among the new
regulations is a ban on black cabs which were produced more than 15 years ago.
This means about
2,600 vehicles, or 10% of the total fleet, will become unlawful as their
licence plates expire.
And a
"no-idling" campaign will be launched this month, to encourage all
drivers to turn off their engines if stationary.
No more driving to the Smoke for me then....
Scientists have made a major breakthrough that could soon
see human sperm grown in the laboratory.
The development opens up the possibility of infertile men
being able to father their own children rather than using donor sperm.
Researchers in Germany and Israel were able to grow mouse
sperm from a few cells in a laboratory dish.
In a world first a team headed by Professor Stefan Schlatt,
at Muenster University in Germany, were able to grow sperm by using germ cells.
These are the cells in testicles that are responsible for sperm production.
Scientists grew the sperm by surrounding the germ cells in a
special compound called agar jelly to create an environment similar to that
found in testicles.
Prof. Mahmoud Huleihel, who also grew the sperm at Israel's
Ben Gurion University in Beersheba, said: "I believe it will eventually be
possible to routinely grow human male sperm to order by extracting tissue
containing germ cells from a man's testicle and stimulating sperm production in
the laboratory."
Nice, still as long as the Ladies can’t open pickle jars we
are safe....ish.
A Numpty with far too
much money has tucked into the world's most expensive dessert, which he bought
for $33,500 to cheer himself up after he was dumped by his girlfriend.
Diamond merchant Carl Weininger, 60, splashed out on the
extravagant pudding as a "pick-me-up" after she ended their
three-year relationship.
The chocolate-laced pudding was styled like a Faberge egg
and its list of ingredients included edible gold, champagne and caviar.
It contained a gold bracelet and spoon set and the cherry on
top was a two-carat diamond.
Weininger took the pudding to the Aviators' Ball, at the
Sofitel Hotel at London's Heathrow airport, where lucky guests sampled the
luxury dessert.
Each mouthful cost about $1200 and the whole dessert took
just 15 minutes to devour.
Cheap at half the price...
How to train your pussy to go for a walk:
Whether your cat is
exclusively indoors, or an indoor-outdoor variety, there are times you'll need
to keep him confined with a leash. Even older cats can be trained, given
patience.
Difficulty: Average
Time Required: Varies
Here's How:
1.Purchase a
comfortably-fitting harness and lightweight leash with a secure clip. Do not
use a collar, as the cat may be able to slip out of it. You want the leash to
pull from the chest rather than the throat. The cats' Walking Jacket is a fine
alternative to a harness, virtually escape free, and with the leash attached
mid-back, for comfort.
2.Put the harness and
leash somewhere near kitty's sleeping area and leave it there for several days
to accustom him to its appearance and smell.
3.Wait until just
before his normal mealtime, and then put the harness on the cat. You should be
able to comfortably slip two fingers between the harness and his skin.
4.Immediately feed
him his favourite meal and praise him when he is finished.
5.Let him wear the
harness for awhile. If it seems to bother him, distract him by playing with a favourite
toy.
6.When your cats
seems to be accustomed to the harness, take it off.
7.Repeat steps 3
through 6 for several days, leaving the harness on longer each time.
8.Next, attach the
leash to the harness and let kitty walk around the house, dragging the leash.
Watch him carefully that he doesn't get tangled up around furniture.
9.Praise him for
being such a good cat, and give him some loving hugs.
10.Repeat steps 8 and
9 for a few days, until the cat seems to accept the harness and leash.
11.Now, let him walk
around as usual, but pick up the business end of the leash and follow him in
his wanderings. Keep the tension slack, so as not to restrict his movement.
Practice step 11
for a few days.
12.Teach kitty to
follow you by talking to him in a cajoling manner and lightly pulling on the
lead. Don't fight him. Leash-training should be a pleasurable experience for
the cat, not an adversarial one. On the other hand, if he tugs at the leash,
simply stop until he relaxes, then move on.
13.You're ready to
move outdoors now. Do it gradually, and take your first short excursions in
your own back yard, or in a quiet area.
14.Gradually increase
his exposure to the sights, sounds and smells of the outdoors. Soon, the two of
you will be able to enter walkathons together.
Yeah right.
And finally:
Pensioner Margaret Wells, 76, is delighted to have been
reunited with her beloved E.T. which was handcrafted by her daughter nine years
ago.
It was stolen - along with a haul of jewellery and an iron -
from Mrs Wells' home in Cosham, Hants, in September.
Police have now ensured the extra-terrestrial came home
after it was spotted in the sea five miles away off Old Portsmouth, Hants.
A walker dialled 999 after spotting it floating near the
shore last Thursday.
Police and coastguard attended the scene and quickly
realised it was not a human, but the alien model.
Mrs Wells said: 'There's only one in the
whole of England and that is mine. "The police rang and said somebody has
found a body in the Solent and it belongs to you - it's E.T.'
"I always knew E.T. would come home.
And I thought he could fly....
That’s it: I’m orf to tickle
a Gorilla
And today’s thought:
Angus
