And so-is this Christmas? Manopause part 2: Brexit-again: Russian river rat burgers: Knob of a robber: Frozen pussy and Spot the sheep.

Just a glimpse of dawns crack, total absence of atmospheric movement, quite a lot of lack of warm and molecules of skywater at the castle this Crimbo eve morn.

Went to Tesco yestermorn on the stale bread, gruel and His Maj’s food run, as it is apparently yet another Crimbo I thought I would get dahn there early-6.30 of the AM, what a bloody mistake that was, the place was heaving, had to park the Peugeot miles from the entrance there were hardly any trolleys left and it was even worse inside.

What is it that prompts “us” to totally lose control of our minds at this time of the year? There were umpteen pairs of “shoppers” staggering around with a trolley each piled to the gunnels with stuff that will not be consumed, screaming snot nosed brats demanding this, that and anything within reach of their podgy little arms, and the checkouts- all ten out of thirty were backed up to the dairy section with the flash of credit cards blinding those in the queues..

Could “we” not be a little more sensible?

The Manopause is still in motion, had two “treatments” so far, the first was a massive jab in the right buttock which managed to sting for two weeks and wore orf after a week, the second was half a massive jab in each arse cheek (because apparently the dose is too high for one jab)  four weeks later which hasn’t even kicked in yet but has managed to raise my blood sugar levels to stratospheric numerals.

The next treatment is on the 16^th January, really looking forward to that.....

Terry leather legs Maybe

Meanwhile the new Prime Monster Terry leather legs Maybe has issued her first Crimbo speech, and has urged Britain to "unite and move forward" after the Brexit vote.

Methinks Maybe is holding orf until the EU Elections are sorted because it “maybe” that many more countries are just as pissed orf at the EU as we are.

Time will tell......

East to the land of Trump’s mates

I know that times are hard in Russia but Moscow's latest food craze appears to have scurried straight from the river bed onto diners' plates. It's a burger made of rodent meat.

A chef at a Russian bistro said the burger is simple, tasty and full of nutrients.

It is made from the meat of a "nutria", or river rat.

Burgers made from its meat look like most hamburgers.

They have become the latest must-have dish in the Russian capital.

The chef said the rodent's meat has nutritional benefits that have recently been discovered.

He insists the river rodent is not actually a rat.

The U.S. Agriculture Department describes the nutria as a two-foot long, invasive rodent.

The nutria burger sells at the Moscow restaurant for the equivalent of about $8.50 in U.S. dollars.



Rather them than me......

West a lot to California

An armed robber walked into the Lotions & Lace store in San Bernadino with a covered face and what appeared to be a gun, shortly before closing time on Wednesday.

Store manager Amy said she wasn’t scared, and was convinced the gun was a fake – and she was having none of it.

CCTV captured the moment the armed robber was hit with a hail of dildos:

‘I just thought he was trying to be funny, to scare us,’ Amy told ABC.

‘But then I saw the gun and it was like, really? I don’t have time for this.’

She and another equally feisty employee began yelling and pelting dildos at the man, who fled the store empty-handed in a state of shock.

What a dick....

East again

A cat in Russia will be counting her lucky stars after being rescued from a freezing puddle.

The fluffy feline somehow managed to trap her paws in an icy puddle and panicked when she could not escape.

Luckily for her, a passing couple came to her aid – although her frozen fur suggests she had been stuck in the puddle for quite some time.

A bucket of warm water soon freed the shivering cat who remained calm throughout.

The lucky moggy was probably grateful she was rescued in time and didn’t have to give up one of her precious nine lives.

Why are cats so daft?

And finally:

Nowhere in particular

As its Crimbo here is a festive puzzle.

The answer is in the link.

That’s it: I’m orf to plug the Crimbo lights into the Solent

And today’s thought: Happy thingamy to all and sundryJ and a much better 2017....

Angus

62 is a dodgy old age

 

 

Much lack of warm, even more skywater, just as much atmospheric movement and I haven't seen dawn's crack for days.

Returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj's food run dahn Tesco, got there before seven of the am-bloody mayhem, lunatics all over the place scooping shelf loads of Crimbo stuff into their  overloaded trolleys, blocking all the aisles and wandering around like zombies gazing into space.

What with that and the multitude of internet robots dressed in their "Onesies" creeping about and chatting in some foreign language it was not a pleasant experience.

Anyway, back to the heading, nature has not been good to poor old Angus, the elbow is still more than a bit painful, the old arteries are more than a bit clogged up and it seems that type 2 diabetes has taken hold.

Orf  to Grimly Dark 'Orspital on the 8th of January to have the tubes reamed out (oh joy), and am on so many tablets that I don't know if I am punched or bored, but I am feeling a bit better.

On the good side his Maj is blooming, he is now a big lad and is still just as batty.

 

Many sorries to all readers and commenter's who have bothered to keep visiting, and not received a reply or a new post, once Crimbo is over I may begin blogging again.

 So here's a Happy Crimbo to All and Sundry, wishing you good health and much luck of the good kind in the coming year.

 

Angus

It's Crimbo!-nearly...

Chucking it dahn, festive amounts of atmospheric movement, not even a santa of solar stuff and lots of lack of warm at the Castle this Crimbo eve aftermorn.


The "technical" man finally arrived and repaired my non-faulty fault that deprived me of the landline and interweb thingy, apparently it was wasn't a bit of kit in the exchange that had hadn't gorn tits up and scrambled my signal.

But all is now well for after Crimbo when I will return to impose this piss poor blog on the rest of you.

Until then I would like to wish all visitors/readers a very merry day tomorrow depending on which God you choose and may the year after this be several thousand times better than this one.


And today's thought:

Angus

Jobmatch: Rumpy-pumpy Compo: Cayenne catch: See ‘U’ Loo: and Fashion sacrifice.

 

A whimsy of skywater, sod all solar stuff, even less atmospheric movement and a murmur of lack of cold at the Castle this apocalyptic morn, just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco. Hordes of internet robots dressed in their Jim-jams wandering about aimlessly, hordes and bit of daft old farts staggering about with a glazed look on their faces while trying to decide whether to purchase one box of mince pies for a squid or two for two squids and I have sorted my Crimbo dinner (apocalypse allowing), a chicken for £2.78 (two chicken breasts were £3.00, a box of one squid mince pies, a small tin of cream (which cost more than the mince pies), some nuts which smell like farts, a packet of biccies and a box of stuffing (I already have the parsnips, roast tatties and other stuff).

All I have to do now is try to remember how to use the oven... 

Still have no land line, Orange/EE still can’t connect me to the “tech dept” because of “technical” difficulties, so I had to phone the 0844 number again and speak to three different people who live in India, the upshot is that according to the sub continent dwellers I don’t have a fault at all and a “service person” will arrive on Crimbo eve between eight of the am and one of the pm to “sort it out” which cost me £8 for 19 minutes and twenty two seconds, and apparently if the “fault” is my fault there will be a charge of £105 call out plus £55 per hour.

Cheap at half the price---well it would be...

And now the interweb thingy is bollixed up...been trying to post this since 7.30 am...

 

Meanwhile the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Are going to introduce “Jobmatch” for those who are not career positive, who will have their online job applications remotely monitored by the Government to see whether they are making serious attempts to find work.

Allegedly the site will scan the CVs of benefit claimants and automatically match them up with job openings that suit their skills.

It will also allow employers to search for new workers among the unemployed and send messages inviting them to interviews.

Apparently the activities of benefit claimants can also be tracked using devices known as "cookies", so their Job Centre advisers can know how many searches they have been doing, suggest potential jobs and see whether they are turning down viable opportunities.

But the tracking element of the programme will not be compulsory as monitoring people's behaviour online without their consent would not be allowed under EU law.

However job advisers will be able to impose sanctions such as compulsory work placements or ultimately losing benefits if they feel the unemployed are not searching hard enough.

 

The Irritable Bowel Twins, who are supposed to be the Work and Pensions Secretary, said the scheme would "revolutionise" the process of looking for work.

 

Super, a government computer handling tens of  thousands of job seekers details; what could go wrong?

 

Dahn Unda

An Australian court has ruled that a bureaucrat who was injured while having sex on a business trip is eligible for worker's compensation benefits.

The Full Bench of the Federal Court ruled Dec. 13 in favour of the woman, who cannot be identified for legal reasons, and rejecting the appeal of the federal government's insurer.

The woman was hospitalized after being injured in 2007 during sex with a male friend while staying in a motel in the town of Nowra, 160 kilometres (100 miles) south of her hometown of Sydney.

During the sex, a glass light fitting was torn from its mount above the bed and landed on her face, injuring her nose and mouth. She later suffered depression and was unable to continue working for the government.

Her claim for worker's compensation for her physical and psychological injuries was initially approved by government insurer Comcare then rejected after further investigation.

An administrative tribunal agreed with Comcare that her injuries were not suffered in the course of her employment, saying the government had not induced or encouraged the woman's sexual conduct. The tribunal also found the sex was "not an ordinary incident of an overnight stay" such as showering, sleeping and eating.

That ruling was overturned in the Federal Court in 2012, when Judge John Nicholas rejected the tribunal's findings that the sex had to be condoned by the government if she were to qualify for compensation.

"If the applicant had been injured while playing a game of cards in her motel room, she would be entitled to compensation even though it could not be said that her employer induced her to engage in such activity," Nicholas wrote in his judgment in favour of the woman receiving compensation.

In the Full Bench decision upholding Nicholas' decision, Judges Patrick Keane, Robert Buchanan and Mordy Bromberg agreed last week that the government's views on the woman having sex in her motel room were irrelevant.

"No approval, express or implied, of the respondent's conduct was required," they said.

 

Wonder if the hotel is suing her for criminal damage?

 

Up to the land of lots of stuff

 

Chinese fishermen managed to haul up a Porsche Cayenne while having an angle orf the Coast of Beihai.

The Cayenne was covered in seaweed and barnacles, with its state pointing to it having been underwater for at least two years according to experts called in to assess it.

Reports on CarNewsChina.com suggest that the waters and coastal areas around Beihai are a hotspot for smugglers bringing in luxury goods to escape the huge import tariffs China imposes.

It’s believed the smuggler possibly pushed the Porsche overboard after spotting a customs patrol.

The vehicle, which would have netted the smuggler a sizable profit, sold to a Beihai scrap metal dealer for 4000 Yuan ($650).

 

Would have been worth more but the MOT has run out.

 

Norf of the border

 

An Aberdeenshire couple, Matthew and Carol Short, farmers from Fraserburgh, won the “Home Throne” award for their “unique toilet in a whisky barrel.”

 

Flushed with success?

 

And finally:

 

All over what will be left of the World after today

 

Allegedly a growing number of women are having their toes shortened or even completely removed, in order to make wearing stilettos a less-painful experience.

According to the American Podiatric Medical Association, eighty-seven percent of women have had foot problems from wearing uncomfortable or ill-fitting shoes, like high-heels. But while some give-up on the problematic footwear, others love wearing them so much they will appeal to surgical procedures such as shortening toes, receiving foot injections and even completely cutting off pinkie toes in order to make walking in them bearable.

Hint- buy a pair of shoes that actually fits.....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to dahnload a film or twenty...

 

And today’s thought

I blame Osborne

 

 Angus

 

Getting there

Sod all solar stuff, twice as much lack of warm, even less skywater (yet) and not much atmospheric movement at the Castle this morn, I discovered yesterday that my land line hasn’t been working for two weeks (and there’s me thinking that nobody loved me), so I contacted my provider-Orange/EE to “sort it out”

Har-fucking-har, sent an email because they only have an 0844 phone number which costs more than the national debt per minute, then got a phone call on my land line which I couldn’t answer because of the noise on the line, then got a call on my Orange/EE mobile and spoke to a very nice lady who said she would transfer me to the “technical dept” and after ten minutes on hold told me she couldn’t because of “technical difficulties” and she would ring me back tomorrow (today).

The nice lady did indeed ring me again on my Orange/EE mobile and after ten minutes on hold told me that she couldn’t transfer me to the “technical dept” because of “technical difficulties”, the upshot was that I would have to phone the 0844 number (which costs more than the national debt per minute) and press option 1, 2 and 4 and I would be able to speak to “someone” about it.

Did that, spoke to a chap who appears to live in India who said he would transfer me to someone who could help, after ten minutes on hold I managed to speak to another chap who appears to live in India who then asked me for my landline number, two letters of my password and then put me on hold for another ten minutes; and then the credit on my mobile ran out and I was cut orf.

 

Sent Orange/EE a bit more than stiff email explaining the “situation” and am still awaiting a reply.

 

But apart from the piss poor service, the cost and waste of time how the fuck can some plonker living thousands of miles away repair my bollixed up landline here in barmy Blighty?

 

Just returned from the appointment with my General Medic and gave him the list of side effects from my recent encounter with Tampax Champix, he was quite impressed but, as all medics do tried to persuade me not to give up giving up the smokes, I decided that just to make him happy I would consider it.

 But at least I do feel a bit better this two days before the apocalypse morn, think I will wait until the 22n’d to make what is left of my mind up.

 

And a few more pressies for those in need of feeling wanted.

 

First up a translator for those who live sarf of Watford

 

Then there is a calendar for those who really don’t give a Gorilla’s gonads

 

Something for the politician in your life

 

 

An alternative to that Dulux colour chart book

 

And:

 

For the pretentious Crimbo cook

 

 

That’s it: I’m orf to build a power station for the Castle

 

And today’s thought:

Been there, done that.

 

Angus

Crimbo spirit: Eurostate: Keep it in your pants: Sleeping Policeman: A bit more street art: and the Unipiper.

Vast amounts of scrapey, scrapey stuff, very little atmospheric movement, vanishing amounts of solar stuff and not even a vapour of skywater at the Castle this morn.

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food and Dreamies run dahn Tesco, even more infested with Crimbo interweb thingy robots than Monday, and the prices are creeping up as “that” day nears.

 

Staying with the Season of goodwill

Parents criticised St Ann's C of E Primary School in Rainhill, Merseyside, after it announced they must pay £1.50 to watch five to seven–year–olds in the play this week.

Rebecca Wilkinson, head teacher, defended the move, saying the play will be held in the village hall for the first time.

She added that the cost will include refreshments.

Mrs Wilkinson said the decision to move the nativity play to the village hall was taken because parents complained that the school hall was too cramped for the production.

She said: "This will be a community event and the charge is non profit–making.

"We are charging less than we normally do for the juniors' play and that cost will incorporate mulled wine and mince pies."

But one parent said: "We regularly put our hands in our pockets already and the school is not short of money. It just had a big fund–raiser."

Another parent added: "It's a bit 'bah humbug', if you ask me."

 

Ah; the old Bah-Humbug defence....

 

Right to bit to what is left of the Euro thingy

Allegedly Eurozone countries would lose the right to set their own budgets and end up surrendering economic sovereignty to Brussels under a blueprint to “complete” the European Union’s single currency.

A master plan for “completion of economic and monetary union” has been set out in a confidential document to be discussed by EU leaders at a Brussels summit next week.

In the nine-page paper, seen by The Daily Telegraph, Herman Van Rompuy, the president of the European Council – the monthly summits of EU leaders – charts a series of steps from ongoing financial reforms to overall political union for the eurozone. “The general objective will be to aim for a progressive pooling of economic sovereignty at the European level,” the paper states.

Mr Van Rompuy expects the EU to have agreed an “operational framework” to give the European Central Bank (ECB) the role as single eurozone banking supervisor by March next year, despite continuing splits between France and Germany over the policy.

Then, by 2014, the plan requires all eurozone countries to “enter into individual arrangements of a contractual nature with EU institutions on the measures and reforms they commit to undertake and on the means for their implementation”.

In the final stage, all eurozone countries will essentially surrender fiscal sovereignty with an “increasing degree of common decision-making on national budgets and an enhanced co-ordination of economic policies”.

 

I blame Osborne....

 

Left to the home of the law and the land of the knob

A US judge has ordered a man with nine children to stop procreating until he can afford to pay for them.

Corey Curtis, 44, of Racine, Wisconsin, was told to stop breeding as a condition of probation until he can financially support his nine children from six different women, The Smoking Gun reported.

Racine County Judge Tim Boyle sentenced Curtis to the rare punishment as a condition of a three-year probation order for failing to pay $50,000 in child support, plus another $40,000 in interest.

"Common sense dictates you shouldn't have kids you can't afford," Judge Boyle said. "I will make that a condition of the probation."

Curtis told CBS 58 that he planned to comply with the condition.

 

 

That’ll stop him lying around in bed....

 

Dahn to the place that is now called Mexico

 

A member of Mexico's Presidential guard flies off his motorcycle while leading the Presidential convoy when he failed to notice a speed bump.

 

Bet that stung....

 

From all over everywhere; some more street art.

 

 

 

And finally:

 

Left again to Oregon

 

 

Comes the Unipiper.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to batter the moon

 

And today’s thought:

That’s all I am going to leave you in your pocket

 

 

Angus

Olympic guide for foreigners: Arizona Yo-Yo: Big Rocket: Pig out in the Big Apple: Ne sois pas si grossier: and Crimbo arrives at Harrods.

A nice high layer of white fluffy stuff over the Castle this morn, the lack of cold seems to have left by the rear exit and I will be able to sit in garden without the big yellow thing melting my face.

The furnace is now performing as expected; the Nork who “serviced” it forgot to tighten up the ‘test’ screw thingy and also forgot to turn the gas back on, no wonder Blighty is in such a bleedin mess...

I see that LOCOG has taken over Auntie as apparently the only “news” occurring in the world is the two week traffic jam known as the Olympics.

It is now 12 mins past eight of the am and my tinnitus has suddenly got a lot worse.

And the interweb thingy is still working to rule...

 

And talking of that thingy which will apparently start this eve

The BEEB has issued a 2012 Olympic 12-part guide to the UK in 212 words each for those from other countries who are rich enough to attend.

 Click on the link over the pic to read it as I can’t be arsed....

Left to the up and dahn land

A 17-year-old Arizona boy who is the 12th ranked yo-yo performer in the nation said he is gearing up for next month's 2012 World Yo-Yo Contest.

Tyler Goldenberg of Phoenix said he came in 70th at last year's event in Orlando, Fla., and is hoping to place in the Top 50 of the 300-some competitors at the Aug. 2-4 competition this year, The Arizona Republic, Phoenix, reported Thursday.

Goldenberg said he has been practicing his minute-long routine 10 or 20 times per day during the past two months. He said he is proficient with performance, choreography and originality, but his speed has room for improvement.

The teenager said he is also looking forward to what follows the competition.

"The rest of the time it's just a five-day party with my friends from all over the world," he said.

I think the last sentence sums up the real reason....

 

Still in the land of oversized things

NASA's next-generation rocket, a really, really big booster expected to launch astronauts deeper into space than ever before, has passed a major design milestone, space agency officials announced Wednesday (July 25).

The new mega-rocket, called the Space Launch System, passed a series of reviews that laid out the technical, performance, cost and schedule requirements for the heavy-lift booster. The completion of the so-called System Requirements Review and System Definition Review allows program managers to proceed into the rocket's preliminary design phase, NASA officials said.

Apparently "This new heavy-lift launch vehicle will make it possible for explorers to reach beyond our current limits, to nearby asteroids, Mars and its moons, and to destinations even farther across our solar system," William Gerstenmaier, associate administrator for the Human Exploration and Operations Mission Directorate at NASA Headquarters in Washington, D.C., said in a statement.

The SLS rocket will be able to launch at least 70 metric tons of material into space at first, but the agency is hoping to evolve the booster to reach a launch capacity of 130 metric tons in subsequent upgrades. The first test flight of the SLS is scheduled to occur in 2017.

Oh joy, just what we need-hundreds more Tonnes of metal floating above our heads.....

Up more than a whimsy to the Big Apple

The corpse of a mystery animal which washed up on the shore of New York's East River has sparked a wave of conspiracy theories with online debates asking whether it is the carcass of a dog, a pig or an altogether more sinister creature.

The apparent 'monster' was found and pictured by an amateur photographer who was walking under the Brooklyn Bridge in Manhattan on Sunday.

The lady who captured the images, Denise Ginley said: "We were horrified by it and we took some camera phone pictures and then finally we decided to come back with my camera and I got up the courage to climb over the fence and get closer to it."

On first glance it appears that the animal is simply a bloated pig – a theory the New York Parks Department insist is correct – but closer inspection reveals that the animal appears to have toes rather than hooves.

Online theorists speculated it may be a dog or, even more worrying, a giant rat. Other online comments suggest it could be an aardvark, a raccoon or something related to a possum.

One online commentator suggested the beast was from a nearby government-run animal disease centre.

But the New York Parks Department is not budging from its initial identification of the animal.

"It was a pig left over from a cookout," a spokesperson told the Animal NY website. "We disposed of it."

Pressed further, the spokesman added: "It was a roasted pig we threw it out. We didn't count its toes, we just threw it out."

It’s a bleedin Pig......

Right more than oodles of Imperial Miles

To our nearest and dearest neighbours, according to a “poll” that revealed that 97% of bus and underground passengers had witnessed rude behaviour the French have admitted that they are rude - and that it is time for a change.

Among the biggest bugbears for commuters are loud conversations on mobile phones, jumping on a metro train before passengers have a chance to get off and just general "lack of manners".

The RATP campaign features a series of ads showing "rude" animals tormenting "civilised" humans.

One shows a hen shouting into a mobile while on a bus; another depicts a buffalo fighting its way onto a busy train and a third pictures a sloth uncaring and relaxed as it takes up more than its share of space.

RATP has also put up a website showing a range of scenarios that could happen to a traveller on public transport, and suggested commuters add their own words as captions for the pictures.

Wot-no frogs...... 

And finally:

Back in barmy Blighty

Santa was in London yesterday - dressed in his usual red robes, though with sunglasses on to open the Harrods Christmas department.

A full 151 days before his big night out It is the earliest ever launch of the store's 8,000 square foot department Christmas World which it hopes will be a big hit with tourists coming to the capital for the Olympics.

He arrived in a Jaguar painted in Union Jack colours, and inside unveiled a giant snowglobe village, a pop-up gingerbread Harrods and a mountaintop ski chalet.

There is also a replica of the Tower of London that will house a set of Christmas crackers priced at £1,299

Argggghh-fuck orf......

 

That’s it: I’m orf to trick an Iris scanner

And today’s thought:

London ain’t burning Olympics.

Angus

Hello sailor: Stilton-not: No tomorrow: Brooming Bethlehem: and the Ball biter.

Cold, calm and decidedly non Crimbo at the Castle this morn, the new front toof is back in place anchored with what feels like a scaffold pole driven through the top of my skull, I am back to the un connected computers in the study and his Maj needs a new bed.

Dahn Unda

The Royal Australian Navy has sent a delegation to Britain to recruit some of the 5,000 Royal Navy personnel due to lose their jobs over the next four years.

It is understood that the Australian navy wants to speak directly to sailors facing redundancy to offer them “career transition options”.

Australia’s Chief of Navy, Vice Admiral Ray Griggs, promised his British counterpart, First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope, that Australia will not recruit personnel needed by the British.

Royal Navy officers are said to have told the Australians they were “very comfortable” with the plan.

Goodbye sailor....

Back in Blighty

Villagers in Stilton are a bit more than miffed after an unusual law upheld by the Department for Food, Environment and Rural Affairs prevents them from naming their cheese after their home town.

The Stilton Cheese Makers Association has been fighting against the 1996 Protected Designation of Origin order, which has prevented Stilton cheese from being officially named so, outside of Leicester, Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire.

Liam McGivern, the landlord of the Bell Inn pub, said he is upset by Defra's decision to let him make the cheese but not give it the Stilton name.

'Anyone can make the cheese but they won't let us call it Stilton,' Mr McGivern said.

In the 18th century, the Bell Inn's pub owner was said to be the first to market the cheese,

Now, by law, the establishment must sell the cheese as 'blue-veined cheese made in Stilton'. Mr McGivern markets the cheese as 'Bell Blue'.

Smells a bit fishy to me.....

Shifting Samoa

Along with tiny Tokelau to the north the inhabitants of Samoa are going from midnight tonight straight to New Year's Eve.

After 119 years to the east of the International Date Line, Samoa is shifting to the west so they can be on the same calendar day as their main economic partners, Australia and New Zealand.

When Samoa went the other way in 1892, because most of its trade had shifted from Sydney to San Francisco, writer Robert Louis Stevenson was living there.

Wonder if we could “shift” Blighty about two thousand miles south, that’ll piss orf the “energy providers”.

Over to the “village” where peace on Earth began

The annual broom battle took place again this Crimbo: Palestinian police stormed the basilica of the Nativity in Bethlehem after rival groups of Orthodox and Armenian clerics clashed in a row over the boundaries of their respective ancient jurisdictions inside the church.

Armed with brooms, around 100 priests and monks came to blows during the cleaning of the church in preparation for Orthodox Christmas celebrations.

Nice to see that JC’s mantra is working so well....

And finally: 

To the place where you wouldn’t want to have a dip in a river

Jeremy Wade, 53, spent weeks hunting for the perpetrator in remote Papua New Guinea after locals reported a mysterious beast which was castrating young fishermen.

He finally unmasked the monster as the Pacu fish - known locally as ‘The Ball Cutter’ - and managed to catch one in his small wooden fishing boat.

Mr Wade wrestled the 40lb monster on to the floor of his boat and opened its snapping jaws with his naked hands - to discover a jaw-dropping array of human-style teeth.

The Ball Cutter boasts an impressive set of man-like molars, which tear off the testicles of unwitting hunters, leaving them to bleed to death.

Pacu fish are usually found in the Amazon, where they need their teeth to crack into the tough cases of nuts and seeds.

The previously vegetarian fish were introduced to Papua New Guinea 15 years ago to increase stocks.

They quickly used their special technique to chomp meat due to a lack of suitable vegetation in the waters - making short work of human testicles.

Brings tears to one’s eyes...

That’s it: I’m orf to hack a chuff-chuff 

And today’s thought:

Angus