Scarecrows, witches, cheese and a bit of titillation

The rain has eased up, the sun is back and I have to mow the bloody lawn, but at least I have stopped “leaking” and my hair is dry for the first time in over a week.

But it seems that no matter what the weather is like there are always news items to amuse and amaze.

And I have a small confession, I started to watch the Michael Jackson memorial thing, for the first five minutes until they wheeled the body in………..




First up:

Police in Bancaster, Norfolk Have arrested and detained a scarecrow that was made to look like a copper with a speed gun.

The 7ft tall scarecrow was put up on the roadside to promote a village scarecrow festival while also encouraging speeding motorists to slow down.

However, a passing policewoman took it away in her patrol car within four hours of it being put up.

The scarecrow was later reported stolen by festival organiser Miranda Skillings, 56, who had earlier got permission from police to put up the fake traffic officer.

After three hours Norfolk Police located the scarecrow and an officer was sent to replace it.

However, Mrs Skillings was asked to remove the fake radar gun as the force believed it was giving out "an inappropriate message" and might confuse drivers.

Mrs Skillings said: "We get people to put up scarecrows in their gardens and funny places as a prelude to the fete. Last year we had around 50 in the village.

Insp Dave Buckley, of Norfolk Police's Hunstanton and Burnham neighbourhood policing team, said in a statement: "We gave permission for the organisers to create a scarecrow of a police officer - but the owner of the scarecrow used a plastic drinks bottle to symbolise a speed radar gun.

"As a result an officer removed the scarecrow as it portrayed an incorrect and inappropriate message to passing motorists. We appreciate the spirit of the family-oriented festival but our priority is the safety of motorists.


Since when?





Wookey Hole needs a witch: the tourist attraction near Wells, Somerset, has advertised at the local Job Centre for someone to teach visitors about witchcraft and magic after its previous employee retired.

The successful applicant 'must be able to cackle' and 'must not be allergic to cats' but will enjoy a salary of £50,000 pro rata based on work during school holidays and at weekends.

"So the job is straightforward: live in the cave, be a witch, and do the things witches do."

Auditions for the role are being held on July 28 in front of a panel of judges who will assess applicants costume and character as well as the ability to perform witch tests.

"Ambitious witches, looking for a key career move, should turn up dressed for work and bring any essential witch accoutrements.

"A limited range of potion ingredients will be available.

"We are witchless at the moment so we need to get the role filled as soon as possible.

"We are looking for someone who is friendly, a little mischievous and with lots of character."


So if you want to fill Wookey hole’s hole, go for it.



Tesco are so worried about losing money to shoplifters they have added security tags to ……..cheese.

Yep, the biggest retailer in Christendom thinks that cheddar has become a “luxury” item.
The store in Brockworth, Gloucester, has acted because of a spike in thefts following the economic downturn.

A Tesco spokesman did not say what rise in shoplifting there had been at the store, but said: "We have a number of security measures that we enforce in our stores across the UK.

"The decision to use security tags is always made by the manager of the store and tags are used on various items such as bottles of spirits, all at the manager's discretion."

The Retail Food Consortium added that electronic tags could soon be put on all supermarket food.

"We expect crime to go up during the recession," a spokesman said. "Shops will look at this and step up security."

Last year it was reported that thefts were up by more than a third at Tesco since the effects of the economic downturn began to bite

Couple of thoughts:

Shoplifters are the scum of the earth, and in no way do I condone theft.

Tesco have more than doubled the price of cheese “because of the recession”, why not reduce the prices to a reasonable level, they can afford it and it would reduce the risk of food being stolen.



Titillation, now there’s a word I haven’t heard for a long time, but apparently a poll of nearly 2,000 women aged between 45 and 60 found that romantic fiction was the most popular genre – chosen by 35 per cent of those surveyed.

Nearly two thirds said they liked raunchy scenes in novels, and more than half described sex in books as "titillating".

A further 10 per cent of those questioned on their reading habits said they actively chose books which featured lots of sex scenes.

Meanwhile crime and mystery novels got 33 per cent of the vote, and other novels 31 per cent.
Top 10 books women would take to a desert island, according to the survey:

1 Bridget Jones's Diary – Helen Fielding (20 per cent)

2 Atonement – Ian McEwan (14 per cent)

3 Harry Potter (any book) – J K Rowling (13 per cent)

4 The Time Traveler's Wife – Audrey Niffenegger (9 per cent)

5 Murder on the Orient Express – Agatha Christie (8 per cent)

6 The Other Boleyn Girl – Philippa Gregory (8 per cent)

7 The Life of Pi – Yann Martel (7 per cent)

8 Birdsong – Sebastian Faulks (7 per cent)

9 Notes on a Scandal – Zoe Heller (7 per cent)

10 Memories of a Geisha – Arthur Golden (6 per cent)

Reference books were the least popular. Among these, cookbooks were favourites, according to the survey by the moisturiser brand Astral.


Well a rolling pin isn’t “titillating” or is it?


And finally:


A bridge too fat Ambulances have been banned from crossing Clifton Suspension Bridge in Bristol because they are too heavy.

The vehicles will no longer be able to use the historic bridge to get to emergency calls.

Great Western Ambulance Service (GWAS) has sent a memo to paramedics informing them that they must not use the 150-year-old bridge, built by engineer Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

The Grade I listed landmark has a weight limit of four tonnes, but when fully loaded the new-style ambulances brought in last year weigh five tonnes.

The new emergency vehicles are fitted with additional equipment like CCTV cameras and a charging unit for defibrillators.

Instead ambulances will now have to use the A4 Portway and Brunel Way across the Cumberland Basin, a detour of around two miles, to get to and from North Somerset.

But rapid response vehicles will still be able to use the bridge and GWAS said the distance will be made up in crews being able to drive faster on the Portway and Brunel Way.

Melanie Glanville, spokesman for GWAS, said: "We do have to do a slight detour but the distance is made up in speed.

"Our vehicles have been getting heavier and we work closely with the bridge master so we know that if there is a dire emergency situation and traffic is bad in Bristol he will close the bridge so that we can still use it."

Fire engines are also unable to use the bridge.

All vehicles are weighed as they approach the suspension bridge and if the weight limit is exceeded an alarm is triggered and the barriers allowing access remain closed.



Oooops!



Angus

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

IT’S ALL GOING ON TODAY

Busy day for news today, I suppose the most interesting items are the resignation of yet another Minister over expenses who “didn’t do anything wrong” and the 1 million pages of MPs expenses published on line but don’t expect the nitty-gritty that has all been redacted.

Iran is still in turmoil over the elections, which is down to a Scotsman who doesn’t like his food-ochmedinnersbad.






But the good old UK still keeps its sense of humour:

WIIs can be dangerous especially for the fairer sex: Women exercising indoors have caused up to £1.3 billion in accidental damage in the last year, as they increasingly give up gym memberships and used games consoles such as the Nintendo Wii.

It seems that Ladies (glass of wine, a fruit based drink) are deserting Gyms in droves in favour of the above mentioned games console.

An estimated 13 million women now exercise at home, either in front of a television or computer monitor, or using basic weights and home gym equipment, according to a research by an insurance company.

According to a survey, conducted for Sheilas' Wheels home insurance, a fifth of women have had an accident in the past year while exercising or being active in the home - perhaps unsurprising as the average living area contains just two metres of free space.

Last year researchers at Leeds Teaching Hospital identified an injury they called "Wii knee".

Osteopaths have also reported they saw an increase in back patients after Christmas, blaming the trend on fathers trying to keep up with their children on the machines.

Maybe it’s the glass of wine (fruit based drink).

Apparently you are not even safe if you are a witch because the Catholic Church is being accused of religious persecution by banning Crystal Cauldron group in Stockport, Greater Manchester from holding a haloween gathering because the pagan group was not considered to be compatible with the church's "ethos".


Sandra Davis, the "high priestess" hoped to attract up to 150 people to the social evening offering a buffet dinner and music from an Abba tribute band and selected the hall because it had disabled access.

But when she went to pay for the booking she was told by the manager that the Diocese of Shrewsbury, which owns the centre, had refused permission for the group to use it.
"It makes you think that there is still a little bit of that attitude from the past of the Catholics wanting to burn witches," she said.

"I thought we had made progress, that we could accept other people's religious paths."
Mrs Davis, who has 11 grandchildren, gave up her former job in a forklift truck company to set up the Crystal Cauldron, where she is known as "Amethyst Selmeselene".

Based in a former post office, the 30-strong group runs a new age bookshop and sells cloaks, jewellery and medieval costumes on the internet as well as organising a children's group called "Little Crystals".

The Reverend John Joyce, a spokesman for the Roman Catholic diocese of Shrewsbury, said that it was out of the question for a pagan group to use its facilities.

"Parish centres under our auspices let their premises on the understanding users and their organisations are compatible with the ethos and teachings of the Catholic church," he said.

"In this instance, we aren't satisfied such requirements are met."

Ah for the good old days when covens would gather in a wood and do their thing.

Affordable housing is hard to come by, especially in Brighton. An eco-warrior has been evicted from the cave he lives in on his allotment patch in Brighton, East Sussex, because it doesn't have a fire exit.

Hilaire Purbrick, 45, has inhabited the seven-foot cave he dug on his plot and dined off the land for the past 16 years.

But after having the dwelling checked by the fire brigade, Brighton and Hove City Council decided it did not have enough exits and sought an injunction banning him from entering it.

Mr Purbrick ignored the order and continued to live in the cave, but was pulled back into court on Tuesday when a judge granted the council a possession order which will allow him to be formally evicted and banned indefinitely from the site.

Granting the possession order at Brighton County Court, Judge Jonathan Simpkiss said there were legitimate health and safety concerns that the cave could collapse.

Mr Purbrick now plans to take his fight to the European Court of Human Rights, claiming his right to a private life and freedom has been breached by the order.

Methinks Mr Purbrick has been pulling the Councils chain for too long.

And now something that really annoys me. Women “grunters” at Wimbledon.

Michelle Larcher de Brito, just 16, made such a din with her on-court screaming at the French Open that her opponent complained to the umpire, condemning the Portuguese girl's repeated noise-making as "unpleasant".

Now the International Tennis Federation is believed to be considering outlawing such distractions as "noise hindrance" under its code of conduct.

And quite bloody right too, it is distracting to the other player, and it is unfair, Nine-time Wimbledon champion Martina Navratilova believes the scream queens are gaining an unfair advantage.

"Grunting, screeching, shrieking - I call it cheating and it’s got to stop," she said.

The only other worse noise at Wimbledon is when “Sir” bleedin Cliff gets up to sing, it was worth the millions for the roof over centre court just to stop that.


And finally:

High-speed commuter train sets off late, the test run of the new super-duper javelin took place this morning and has been hailed as a revolution, that is of course as long as there isn’t the wrong type of snow, rain, leaves or lack of staff.

Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

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