A shitty rant: ‘Ampshire accident: Cycle of cupid stunts: Touting the law: Potty old farts: and a Dead Roach Gobbler.

Vast amounts of lack of warm, volumes of non atmospheric movement, very little solar activity and vadose precipitation of skywater at the Castle this morn.

 

First a rant:

After plastering over the whiplash marks on the master bedroom walls yestermorn I settled dahn with a nice cup of milky coffee to watch the lying, greedy, inept, brain dead CONTories (think I spelt that right, should there be a U in there somewhere?) on the TV.

And what should drop onto the portcullis welcome mat but this:

 

A missive from fucking Thames Water who want to build a ‘super sewer’ forty miles away from the Castle in the shitty Smoke to rid the big watery thing of floating human logs.

Fair enough I thought as fucking Thames Water somehow manage to treat the Castle’s nasty stuff, it was very nice of them to let me know.

Then I read on-“sewerage charges (which you pay as part of your overall water bill) will need to rise from current levels to pay for this work. It is estimated to be in the range of £70-80 per year).

Apparently “work is due to start in 2014 and finish in 2023 (har fucking har) and is “necessary” because the E-fucking-U has set new ‘legal environmental standards’

 Now:

As stated the Castle is some forty miles from what is laughingly called the “Capitol” and even I won’t visit the shithole let alone send my turds there, and they want me to cough up £560-720 so that the eight million squatters in London can flush their toilets in line with fucking EU directives.

Apart from the fact that I can’t afford the money, and that I will probably be an ex-Angus by 2023 I lean towards the idea that those who actually live in Turdtown should pay for the ‘Super Shit Tunnel’ not those who reside in ANOTHER FUCKING COUNTY more that a marathon’s worth of mileage away.

 

Rant over-fucking Thames Water...

 

Still in expensive ‘Ampshire

Apparently motorists are facing chaos today after a dramatic accident forced the closure of one of the south’s major roads.

The A34 has been closed in both directions after a car transporter being towed by a recovery truck broke free and smashed through the central reservation barrier.

The accident happened at Whitchurch just after 11pm last night also sent cars on the transporter spilling across the road.

As a result police have said that the road, which links the M3 with the Midlands will be closed for most of the day for repairs.

Diversions have been put in place but a police spokesman urged drivers to find alternative routes as the road is likely to remain closed for most of today to allow for repairs to the road surface and barriers.

 

Probably is a relief for those who have to go to the midlands...

 

Up a bit to another Shire

 

One cyclist enjoys tons of room to ride over the daftest footbridge crossing in Britain – while pedestrians struggle to stay close to the railings on either side.

Less than a foot has been left for pushchairs, wheelchairs and mobility scooters – and locals at Stevenage have protested to Hertfordshire Highways that it is impossible for many users not obstruct the cycle lane.

Salesman Luke Pygle, 26, said: “You would have to be pretty slim to walk within the lines.”

A highways spokesman said: “The lines are there to stop cyclists careering into railings.”

And they have promised to turn a blind eye to non-cyclists using the lane.

 

Nice of them....

 

Dahn Unda

 

A Brazilian student is auctioning off her virginity to raise cash to build homes for poverty-stricken families.

Catarina Migliorini, 20, is set to plough the money into a fund to build modern houses for the needy in her home state of Santa Catarina.

Director Justin Sisely will record her emotions before and after her first sexual encounter. A male virgin called Alexander is also being followed.

Miss Migliorini will receive £12,500 and 90% of the final auction price, currently standing at £120,000, which ends on 15 October.

The encounter will take place on an airplane flying between Australia and the US, to circumvent prostitution laws.

The student will be followed every step of the way by an Australian film crew for a documentary film called Virgins Wanted.

She told Folha newspaper: "I saw this as a business. I have the opportunity to travel, to be part of a movie and get a bonus with it.

"If you only do it once in your life then you are not a prostitute, just like if you take one amazing photograph it does not automatically make you a photographer.

"The auction is just business, I'm a romantic girl at heart and believe in love. But this will make a big difference to my area."

 

I would be quite happy to make a difference to Catarina’s "area" but: a) I don’t have the money and b) I don’t have the money...

 

Back in potty Blighty

Police have seized a giant marijuana plant from an elderly couple who unwittingly bought it at a car boot sale.

The couple were shocked to find that their carefully tended shrub was in fact a gigantic cannabis plant.

Police officers in Bedford said it was the biggest plant they had ever seen, reports the Daily Mail.

Bedfordshire Police took to Twitter to comment on their find and post a photo of the huge bush growing in the suburban garden.

The tweet from Bedford Borough's local policing team read: "Seized today. Elderly couple bought shrub at car boot sale, tended carefully.

 

Yeah right of course they did...

 

And finally:

 

Left to the Home of snacks and the Land of infestations

 

Edward Archbold won a giant cockroach eating contest and then dropped dead, according to the Broward Sheriff’s Office, Archbold, of West Palm Beach, and several other contestants signed up to eat a variety of insects at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach. After eating dozens of giant cockroaches, Archbold was declared the winner of an ivory-ball python.

But after winning, Archbold felt sick and started vomiting. He then collapsed in the store and was later pronounced dead.

The medical examiner’s office is conducting tests to determine a cause of death.

 

Stupidity comes to mind....

 

That’s it I’m orf to check out our politicians minds

 

And today’s thought:

Fucking Thames Water

 

Angus

Non Councils: Dear Nitrogen: Pension Dockers: Killer cyclists: Goat of a night: Pulling the plug on religion: and Lots and lots of Lego.

‘Tis yet another spiffing spot of clement weather at the Castle this morn, I did think about hedging the hedges, bordering the borders, shrubbing the shrubs and clearing out the shed, evicting the eight legged hairy buggers and servicing the mower, but the sun lounger called to me with a siren’s voice and I succumbed.

On the plus side I did get to watch the F1 race and very exciting it was as well, already been to Tesco and stocked up on gruel and stale bread and I am now awaiting the first phone call of the week from a desperate user wanting their fix.

It seems that austerity doesn’t apply to Councils

The first survey of local authorities since the coalition came to power last May has found that town halls created more than 4,000 new posts during the period.

Despite the public sector being told to make sweeping cuts, councils have advertised for posts such as "woodfuel development officer", "new media staff" and "healthy workplace coordinators".

The findings come as councils are under unprecedented financial pressure and try to cut costs by increasing charges, cutting basic services and closing facilities such as libraries.

The research shows that in total, 205 councils have created a total of 4,148 new posts since May 1 last year.

Most have reduced their overall staffing levels during the period but the study found that while doing so, many have continued to create brand new roles for "communications officers", "equality officers" and "climate change staff".

Councils have also recruited dozens of workers to enhance the "wellbeing" of staff and "customers", as well as "life skills" experts, who teach members of the public basic tasks such as ironing.

The figures also reveal a boom in such jobs as "walking coordinators", "obesity strategy officers", and "active" workers, whose job is to encourage the public to pursue more healthy lifestyles.

Ah, the good old public sector, less for us more for them, same old same old.

And talking of non jobs

A study by 200 European “experts” says reactive nitrogen contributes to air pollution, fuels climate change and is estimated to shorten the life of the average resident by six months.

Livestock farming is one of the biggest causes of nitrogen pollution, it adds.

It calls for changes in farming and more controls on vehicles and industry.

The problem would be greatly helped if less meat was consumed, the report says.

Nitrogen is the most common element in the atmosphere and is harmless.

It is the reactive form - mainly produced by human activity - that causes a web of related problems.

The 600-page report relies on experts from 21 countries and 89 organisations. It estimates the annual cost of damage caused by nitrogen across Europe as being £55-£280bn.

Nice to see a narrow cost band from the “experts”, and how much did the report cost?

In our warm and congested land

Many workers in final salary pension schemes, especially public sector employees, will have their state pension docked, under plans being considered by Piss Poor Policies Dave C’s “Government”.

They will receive £2.40 a week less from the state, a discount equating to £125 a year.

The Department for Work and Pensions announced last week its proposal to create a single state pension of £140 a week, in a bid to end Britain's notoriously complicated pension system, which involves a basic and a second state pension.

However, in the consultation document published by the DWP, it makes clear that it is considering docking many workers' state pension, including nearly all those paid out to public sector workers. They could, for decades, receive £137.60, while the majority of retirees will be enjoying state pensions of £140 a week.

My head hurts……..

Still in Blighty

From the Daily Flail-Ministers are considering introducing a new offence of causing death by dangerous cycling.

It would mean cyclists who kill or seriously hurt pedestrians would be prosecuted in the same way as drivers.

A Bill is to be presented by Tory MP Andrea Leadsom, who has campaigned on behalf of a family whose teenage daughter was killed by a reckless cyclist.

Rhiannon Bennett, 17, was walking with friends in Buckingham in April 2007 when cyclist John Howard approached the group at speed, yelling, Move! I’m not stopping!”

He was travelling so fast the group had no time to act. He hit Rhiannon and knocked her over, and she smashed her head against the kerb.

She was taken to hospital with head injuries and died six days later.

Magistrates later convicted Howard, then 36, of Buckingham, of dangerous cycling and fined him £2,200.

By comparison a motorist convicted of causing death by dangerous driving faces a maximum penalty of 14 years in jail.

I’ll sign up to that, I nearly had a pedalling Numpty this morn, I was coming up to a roundabout, was in the left lane indicating to turn left and pulling out when speedy knobhead who was doing about thirty on his “racing” bike came storming up the inside and cut across the Rover to turn right.

Make em take a test, pay insurance and tax and have a mental MOT every year.

Dahn in Surrey

A stolen goat taken on a pub crawl caused chaos when the thieves let it off the leash after being refused service.

Police and the RSPCA were called to the pub in Horley, Surrey, after it butted customers. Pub manager Steve Lea said: “It was a bit surreal. It was a first.”

You should come to 'Ampshire Steve, any amount of smelly animals in the pubs here.

East a fair bit

The tomb of Moses Maimonides, one of Judaism's pre-eminent sages, has been plunged into darkness because of a debt to the electricity company totaling $11,500.

Rabbi Israel Deri, one of the managers of the site in the Galilee city of Tiberias, admitted Wednesday that the bill "fell between the cracks." As a result, the tomb — where people come to pray around the clock — is now closed to night visitors.

A spokeswoman for the Israel Electric Corporation, Orna Vagman, said the company "had no other choice but to disconnect the electricity" at the site because of a debt accrued over "many months."

Seems that the light of religion is a bit dim.

And finally:

West even more

In the land of funny “hair” cuts-Six thousand Lego lovers and a crane create the world's largest Lego tower in Sao Paulo.

The tower composed 500,000 Lego pieces and reached 102 feet and 3 inches, breaking the previous record set in Chile last year.

It took four days to build and was held in place by wire supports to prevent it from toppling over in the wind.

The first Lego tower was built in London in 1988, since then Toronto, Moscow, Sydney, Tokyo and Munich have been among the cities which have held the title.

Why?

That’s it: I’m orf to count my bluebells-one so far.

And today’s thought: "What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary" - Mark Twain.

Angus