The Book-MP prize: Crepe MPs: Iranian Stealth plane-not: Up Helly: Beef emergency: and the dead centre of Paris.

Not a lot of anything at the Castle this morn, no atmospheric movement, no skywater, no solar stuff and just a hint of lack of warm.

His Maj is now 100% fit, we had a bit of a setback but time healed his battered face, but he still won’t go near a window.

 

Up in the bit next to the leaning tower of Westminster

Allegedly the most-borrowed book in the House of Commons library is How To Be An MP, by the veteran Labour parliamentarian Paul Flynn.

The book boasts step-by-step guides on how to placate constituents, advance one's career, claim expenses and fend off an inquisitive press.

 

So that’s who is to blame then.

 

And as Pancake Tuesday came and went

 

Members of the House of Commons beat teams from the House of Lords and the media to win the annual parliamentary pancake race yesterday.

Representatives from the Commons, the Lords and journalists took part in one of the most fiercely contested events in the political calendar, the parliamentary pancake race.

Conservative MP Tracey Crouch, who took part in the race, described it as "über-competitive" and said that she and her team-mates had been "sharpening their elbows".

Their tactics worked, and the MPs crossed the finishing line first.

 

What a load of old crepe....

 

East to the land of space monkeys, cloned drones and un-stealthy planes

Apparently Iran has been caught out in another Photoshop blunder in an effort to prove its purported stealth fighter jet is the real deal.

An Iranian state news agency released a new picture of the radar-dodging jet flying above snow-covered mountains.

 

But the picture was immediately suspected to be fake with the lighting on the plane and its position similar to its appearance in pictures on the ground in Tehran at the unveiling earlier this month.

President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad described it as "among the most advanced fighter jets in the world", capable of hitting ground and air targets by stealth, but experts dismissed it as a "laughable fake" which looks like a toy or mock-up model.

Now the new picture has also been laughed off, after it was revealed by The Atlantic Wire that the background image of the mountain was taken from the stock image site PickyWallpapers.com.

Aviation experts have questioned whether the jet shown can even fly as it was too small to accommodate a real pilot and the controls and wiring looked too simple. It also lacked the bolts and rivets found on all aircraft and offered wonky aerodynamics.

You can fool some Iranians some of the time.........

 

Up Norf and even Norfer

The annual Up Helly a fire festival in Lerwick on the Scottish Shetland Islands to pay homage to the country's Viking heritage has occurred; the daylong celebration consists of costumed parties and culminates in a torchlight parade and the burning of a Viking long boat. There are also plenty of kilts, marches to brass band music, even a new beer found only at the event.

At least 5,000 spectators come to watch more than 1,000 torch carrying "Vikings", in silver plates and helmets, with heavy axes and shields, march the galley around the town. Some enact the roles of famous "Jarls" from the local saga, the Orkneyinga. At the climax, all the Vikings throw their flaming torches into the galley. The whole crowd sings Viking songs and the party continues long after the last flames have died away.

 

Bugger-missed it again...

 

West to the bit where ship shape comes from

A pilot performed an emergency landing when a fire warning light came on in his cargo plane over Bristol– but the alert turned out to be a load of old cows.

No blaze was found on board and the pilot later said the alarm may have been triggered over Bristol by extra humidity generated by 390 cows being carried on board

 

But are they real cows-they could be fake cows made up from Yorkshire puddings or Welsh daffodils cunningly disguised.....

 

And finally:

 

East a whimsy to the city of French people

Fancy a stroll over some medieval gravestones-well now you can, “In the heart of l'Ile de la Cite, on the left side of the Cathedral of Notre Dame, a street called Chanoinesse winds its way through the heart of Paris.

A small part of the street was spared by successive urban transformation plans, and as a result it has kept its odd medieval character. This is because, until the XVIII century, this area was the protected domain of Chanoine monks who, isolated from the world, devoted themselves to their work and meditations.

But the monastic past of the street is not the only mystery to be found here: Behind the red door of the building marked number 26, you'll find one of the most unusual and macabre pieces of architecture to be found in the French capital.

A small courtyard rests silently behind the intriguing scarlet door, and the stone laid ground of the courtyard bares some gothic style texts. After a bit of examination, you'll realize their purpose- these are gravestones, which once belonged to churches religious institutions that eventually closed around the 19th century.

Much later, the gravestones were used by the architects of this lovely courtyard to tile the floor. And there they remain to this day, ready to be discovered and explored.”

 

That’s nice and respectful isn’t it?

 

That’s it: I’m orf to make sure the old todger is still attached

 

Today’s thought:

Real Iranian stealth planes

 

And today’s mellow melody

One of my favourites.

 

 

 

Angus

Whether the Wevver will or not: Up your MP: Central park cannon: One pissed feller up a tree: Pants calendar: and Dummy Councillors.

Quite a lot of lack of warm, not a lot of skywater, even less atmospheric movement and nary a glimmer of solar stuff at the Castle this morn, Blogger and IE are still conspiring to stop me putting photos into this piss poor blog and his Maj has discovered the joy of lying underneath the radiators in an attempt to maximise his heat rating.

 

And staying with the wevver

 

The “experts” at the Met thingy have issued a yellow 'be aware' warning for snow and ice across the whole of southern England, the Midlands and Wales on Saturday.

Apparently Around 1-2cm of snow could fall across London and the South West on Saturday morning, before the wintry showers head further south towards Southampton and the South Coast.

The East Coast is also likely to see a covering, while northern areas such as Lincolnshire and Yorkshire could see as much as 5-7cm.

Temperatures are expected to plummet to as low as -9C in the early part of next week with widespread frosts forecast for the weekend.

 

This means of course that if “they” are actually correct and more than a metric millimetre settles on the ground then the whole of Blighty will grind to a halt for at least four days.

 

Makes you proud.....

 

And up in the bit next to the leaning tower of Westminster 

 

A bit of two day old news:

Members of Parliament believe they deserve a pay hike of one-third – with nearly 70 per cent believing that they are underpaid for the job they do.

Conservative members of Parliament on average would like a £31,000 increase in their basic salary – to £96,000 a year – while their Labour counterparts feel they deserve a £12,000 hike to £77,000, according to an anonymised survey carried out by the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority (Ipsa). MPs are currently paid around £65,000 a year.

 

Yeah right: Now let me see, the average-ish salary increase for those lucky enough to have employment is about 1-2 percent, the increase in benefits for those not striving is going to be 1 percent.

 

I reckon that a 1.5 percent increase in our money that is given to Members of Piss-poor-arliament is a fair increase-don’t you?

 

Over the cold, wet salty thing on the left 

 

Apparently an 18th century cannon was found loaded with gun powder and a cannon ball Friday during a routine cleaning at the Central Park Conservancy.

Residual gun powder was spotted after a piece of rust was removed from the cannon, exposing the cannon ball, New York City Police said. Authorities were summoned to remove the gun powder and make the cannon safe for public display. The cannon came from a British Royal Navy Ship, the HMS Hussar, circa 1763 to 1780.

NYPD spokesman Paul Browne said "We silenced British cannon fire in 1776 and we don't want to hear it again in Central Park,"

 

I think that about sums up the USA’s attitude to us Brits...

 

Dahn a bit and left even more 

 

An allegedly intoxicated tree trimmer dangled 40 feet off the ground for nearly two hours Monday evening before rescuers were able to get him down from of a Eucalyptus tree in a heavily wooded, residential area of Brentwood.

"We were concerned about his condition because he seemed lethargic and once we got him down, we found that he had consumed a significant amount of alcohol from a bottle of tequila that he had in his work belt with him," said Battalion Chief Brian Schultz with City of Los Angeles Fire Department.

Thirty-two fire-fighters responded to the scene and used ropes, a harness and 35-foot ladders to rescue the tree trimmer, according to Erik Scott with LAFD.

 

Good job it wasn’t in broke Blighty-there would only have been an old fart with a loft ladder available.....

 

Right more than many Imperial miles to the land that thinks we are blackmailing them 

 

A pants calendar of men posing in their underwear with classic 1970s cars is proving an unlikely success in Germany.

The pictures - featuring male models of all shapes and sizes - show some classic bodywork has aged better than others.

One bearded model poses in a pair of baggy brown Y-fronts, holding a chainsaw, as he stands beside a classic Audi Quattro.

Another model in the £25 calendar is seen posing proudly in front of a Volvo Amazon while wearing skin-tight leopard-skin print trunks.

Creator Janet Schurmeyer, from Wuppertal, says she and a photographer pal dreamed up the calendar as an antidote to traditional poses of semi-clad women draped over curvy sports cars.

"We only use men - most of them are our friends - and they are often not wearing the most attractive underwear, whatever it is they feel comfortable in" she explained.

"There is a minimum age of 20 years for the cars. For the men it is 18," she added.

If you must you can see the calendar HERE

 

Come on guys, we Brits could do much better than that.

Norf of the border

 

 

A pensioner has been cleared of registering a dummy to stand in a local government election.

• Renee Slater entered a mannequin called Helena Torry into Aberdeen council elections last year

• Case dismissed on technicality - Presiding Officer says he “will have no hesitation” in referring similar cases to police

Renee-Margaret Slater went on trial accused of entering a mannequin as a candidate in last year’s city council election in Aberdeen.

The 64-year-old lodged the name of Helena Torry on an official nomination document and delivered the paperwork to the returning officer at the city town house.

The former Labour councillor went on trial facing a charge under the Representation of People Act 1983 earlier this week. But yesterday the pensioner was cleared because the sheriff ruled that the charge was not relevant to the case.

Defence lawyer Gregor Kelly argued that the charge against his client related to parliamentary elections and local government elections in England and Wales. And Sheriff Peter Hammond upheld the submission that his client had no case to answer.

Following the hearing, Ms Slater said: “I just want to thank the people who helped out, the friends of Helena Torry who raised the funds for it. I couldn’t get legal aid.

“She ended up with a personality, and certainly has more charisma than some politicians.

 

Hear! Hear! And we wouldn’t have them whingeing about how poor they are....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to dismantle the asteroid shelter

 

And today’s thought:

A note for U-Turn Cam-hopefully 

 

 

 

Angus 

 

 

Ask a silly question: Pippa’s party plan: Walk of hard times: Dahn Unda whitewash: Stoned in Rome: and the one armed chainsaw artist.

Seasons of mist and bugger all else at the Castle this morn, the wevver is like U-Turn Cam-thick, wet and cold.

Just returned from the Monday moan dahn Tesco and I can’t believe that “I can’t believe it’s not butter” has gorn up from one squid to one squid and 30 pees to one squid and 80 pisses (which they are taking).

 

And his Maj has been practising his hunting...

 

 

Apparently Labour MP Gloria de Piero has asked the ultimate political question

 

And members of a Yorkshire golf club gave her more than several answers.

The question was-"When I say the word 'politician', what do you think?" 

Answers included “Liars, Selfish, Insincere and Self-seeking”. 

And to prove that Gloria isn’t self-seeking and selfish she decided to ask the same question on Twitter using the hashtag #whydoyouhateme. The Tweets are “interesting”.

 

Here are a few more “impressions” of Politicians: 

Arrogant, inept, out of touch, posh pillocks, tosspots, wankers, overpaid, underworked, unelected, useless, waste of air, clueless, greedy and bumholes...

The above are of course purely my personal interpretation of those who want to prostitute themselves to “public service” and I would like to point out that no first class rail passengers were harmed in the production of this item.

 

Having said that, looking at Gloria’s picture-I would.....

 

And the arse of the year has “written” a book

Pippa Middleton (under 30-just), has admitted that she is still coming to terms with her celebrity – and the focus on her figure – that followed the marriage of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge last year.

In a new book, she writes: “It is a bit startling to achieve global recognition (if that’s the right word) before the age of 30, on account of your sister, your brother-in-law and your bottom.

“One day, I might be able to make sense of this.

"In the meantime I think it's fair to say that it has its upside and its downside. I certainly have opportunities many can only dream of – but in most ways I'm a typical girl in her 20s trying to forge a career and represent herself in what can sometimes seem rather strange circumstances."

Miss Middleton makes her comments in Celebrate: A Year of British Festivities for Families and Friends, a party-planning guide based on her experience with her family’s business, Party Pieces.

It was reported that the deal for the book, with publisher Michael Joseph, was worth £400,000. It includes seasonal recipes, as well recollections of her childhood, including Bonfire Night and playing conkers.

"We all used to get really competitive," she writes.

"The trick was to paint clear nail varnish on the conkers to make them very tough and less likely to break – outrageous cheating of course!"

 Ah; the life of a “celeb”....

Norf of the border

A company is offering a tour of the network of ­brothels used by prostitutes plying their trade in 18th century Edinburgh.

The night time tour for over-18s is based on a long-forgotten book, Ranger’s Impartial List Of  Ladies Of Pleasure, published in 1775, which offers a candid appraisal of 50 of the city’s prostitutes and helpful notes on where to find them.

Information includes the women’s names, ages, the condition of their teeth and their temperament.

Now an actress, posing as Miss Watt, a prostitute described in the book as being of middle size, with light brown hair and good teeth but rather surly tempered, has put together a one-hour walking tour featuring some of the 117 brothels that operated along the Royal Mile.

They include the Old Town’s most popular house of ill-repute, in Barry’s Close, which attracted clients from the nearby court and law offices who could slip in unnoticed through an entrance at the foot of a flight of stairs off ­Parliament Square.

 

 A snippet:

This Lady is about 21 years of age, of the middle ƒize, light brown hair, good teeth, but rather ƒurly in her temper eƒpecially after the glaƒs has gone merrily round; notwithƒtanding of this, ƒhe is not a bad companion, as ƒhe can ƒing many very fine ƒongs. She is alƒo miƒtreƒs of her profeƒƒion; and it is ƒaid, before ƒhe would ƒleep alone, ƒhe would rather pay a clever fellow for to do her buƒineƒs, as love is her ƒole delight.

 

Well “f” me, wonder if I will need a passport to go on the tour before long?

 

Dahn Unda

A street artist's attempt to bring colour to a back lane in the CBD is in a bit of bovver, the wall off Banks Place Geelong had originally been painted by Joel Macartney about six months ago, but had been tagged and vandalised earlier this month.

Last weekend Macartney and some friends painted three fresh panels of similar-styled street art. On Wednesday this was painted over by a council contractor, leaving a blank wall.

 

City CEO Stephen Griffin said some street art had been removed from part of Banks Place this week after unauthorised graffiti on top of earlier artwork.

He said a noted local street artist had carried out the initial artwork about six months ago, with permission from council and the owner of the property.

Mr Griffin said that in recent weeks there had been unauthorised and extended artwork applied on top of the original design, and this had been removed by council contractors after they checked the status of the alterations and extensions.

He said the council had been involved in further discussions with the artist over the past few days, and there was a possibility the artist would be undertaking some new work.

 

Think I prefer the blank wall....

 

Over to the land of love and Latin

Allegedly a study of psychotropic drug levels in ambient air from eight Italian cities found background levels of cocaine, cannabinoids - the active ingredients in marijuana - nicotine and caffeine in every urban centre.

Turin had the highest concentrations of cocaine, says Angelo Cecinato at the Institute of Atmospheric Pollution Research in Rome. Meanwhile, Bologna and Florence had some of the highest cannabinoid levels, which Cecinato attributes to the large student populations in the two cities. The drug concentrations are much too low to have an effect, though (Environmental Pollution, doi.org/jhk).

 

And there was me thinking Italian drivers were naturally bonkers.....

 

And finally:

 

Left a lot to the place where George came from

 

When it comes to chainsaw carving, one Belfair man is a cut above the rest.

He uses all tools of the trade to create masterpieces, but some say it's what he's working without that makes his carvings truly remarkable.

He does it all with one arm.

"I saw what he was doing, and I thought people have got to see this," says one neighbour.

"It takes a lot of drive," says another. "He just wrestles these pieces around like they're nothing."

It's been said the purpose of art is washing the dust of daily life off our soul. And when Jerry Tallman is at work, that dust is flying high. Six hours a day, six days a week, he's at his Belfair shop, where his steel-toothed chainsaw carves each contour.

"You can shape that grain any way you want," he says.

Jerry will be the first to tell you it's a demanding job - working the wood with one arm missing.

He shrugs through exhaustion because he loves his work - even if he doesn't have all his tools intact.

"I can still feel my arm," he says. "I can open and close my hand - just it's not there."

And before you ask; no he didn’t cut his arm orf with a chainsaw, he was hit by a tree on his shoulder while “logging”, and I was on the ground. Just that quick." he recalls.

The nerves were pulled from his spine. Doctors left his arm there for five years before amputating. Then it was back to square one.

 

Bit of an ‘armless hobby though....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to find out who EBay’s accountants are

 

And today’s thought:

 

 

Angus

 

Some MPs are not happy: Her Maj’s jubbly tower: Cunning cat: Ban English in the EU: Mitt Romney’s Amercia: Dutch get their own back: Pussy up a pipe: and the Cleaning fairy.

The liquid metal gauge reads 70 degrees in old language at the Castle this morn, a whimsy of mist, a smidge of moving atmosphere and still not a drop of skywater.

Very late this Saturday, overslept because I couldn’t sleep in the heat, the Honda is turning yellow again and his Maj has discovered the joy of digging up the newly planted vegetation to have a pee....

Up in the Palace of Westminster

It seems that one in three MPs are not happy with the cleanliness of toilets inside the House of Commons, and one in five also said they were dissatisfied with Parliament's dining rooms, restaurants and cafes.

A total of 177 MPs and 961 of their staff completed the annual questionnaire asking for their feedback on the quality of services and facilities in the Palace of Westminster.

Many complained their offices were only cleaned superficially and that the lavatories in the Commons were too dirty.

Apparently Toilets in the Norman Shaw North building are in particular need of regular deep cleaning and modernisation, and Around 20% of MPs were unhappy with the dining rooms, restaurants and cafeterias in Parliament and expressed dissatisfaction with the Commons Tea Room and Smoking Room.

Oh dear what a shame, I wonder what the result would be if there was a survey of the population on our satisfaction of MPs?

Still in the leaning part of the Smoke

Allegedly the tower housing Big Ben is almost certainly to be renamed in honour of the Queen for her Diamond Jubilee after a majority of MPs backed a campaign.

Parliamentary authorities are now expected to support the calls to rename the Clock Tower as “The Elizabeth Tower” when they meet in a few weeks.

David Cameron, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband are among senior figures from all three major parties that backed the proposal for Parliament to bestow the tribute to the Monarch.

They are among 331 MPs, from a total of 650, who now support the campaign, which is also understood to have backing from the Cabinet Office and Buckingham Palace.

A further 40 MPs have signed a Commons early day motion calling for the east tower at the Palace of Westminster to be formally named "The Elizabeth Tower".

Other MPs backing the idea include the William Hague, the Foreign Secretary, Theresa May, the Home Secretary, and Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary.

Bye, bye St Stephen, nice to see that just over half of unhappy MPs have their priorities right...

Somewhere in the rain

How to cross a river if you are feline...

Right a bit to what is left of the EU

The Brussels-based French-language press is a bit miffed because of the release in English of the EU's annual report cards on the bloc's 27 economies.

In an angry open e-mail to the European Commission, the correspondent for the daily Liberation newspaper Jean Quatremer said -- in French: "Once again, all the documents published today are available only in English. This is unacceptable."

A spokesperson for the Commission told AFP that "the translations are coming."

Happy now Jean....?

West to the home of Microsoft and the land of the spellchecker

White House hopeful Mitt Romney has launched his “With Mitt" application for the iPhone allowing users to express support for the recently anointed Republican flag bearer by personalizing a photo with an overlaid Romney slogan.

Unfortunately it says “A Better Amercia”.

Romney campaign spokeswoman Andrea Saul said on MSNBC "Mistakes happen, I don't think any voter cares about a typo at the end of the day,"

Time will tell.....

 

East more imperial measures than you could shake a dustbin at

More than 700 tons of smuggled solid waste has been sent back to the Netherlands, its country of origin, Chinese authorities said on Friday.

The illegal shipment consisted of 30 containers holding 763 tons of household garbage, which had been smuggled into China from the Netherlands. They were loaded onto ships at Zhangjiagang, in Jiangsu province, on Friday morning and will reach the Port of Rotterdam at the beginning of July, according to a statement released by customs authorities in Nanjing, capital of the province.

Smuggled in with the aid of fake shipping documents, the batch of waste was bought by Hepu, a trading company in East China's Anhui province, through a firm in Taiwan, the statement said.

The garbage, which included musty paper, plastic bottles and rotten diapers, was scattered everywhere. Among it was trash that environmental experts would not allow to be imported, said the officer, who did not want to be identified.

Following an investigation, the customs workers found the case involved a trading company in Anhui province that had purchased the trash from a fibre company in the Netherlands, using a Taiwan company as an intermediary, the statement said.

Chen Liwen, a researcher at Green Beagle, a Beijing environmental protection group, say many businessmen have benefited from the trade in low-quality solid waste from foreign countries.

"If customs authorities can't check for these abuses in a stricter way, domestic garbage from developed countries will pollute our country and damage Chinese people's health," she said.

Har fucking har.....

West again and dahn to the land of Purrgeots

A driver who felt his car was losing power checked under the bonnet – and found a kitten stuck in the engine.

The motorist found the two-month-old creature wedged inside the exhaust system, with just its head and a paw sticking out.

It was only when he took the vehicle to a garage to have the animal removed that mechanics noticed it was still alive.

The part was taken out and rushed to a fire station where a crew cut the feline free.

The kitten had intestinal surgery and is now recovering at a sanctuary in Rio Verde, western Brazil.

Not funny I know....but.....that picture...

And finally:

Up from the land of furry exhausts

US police are investigating after a real life cleaning fairy broke into a home to do some housework.

The woman broke into a house in Westlake, Ohio, did some light cleaning, then left a bill for $75.

She broke into the house while the owners were out but their teenage daughter was asleep upstairs.

The woman took out the rubbish, vacuumed the carpet and cleaned up the living room.

Homeowner Sherry Bush said: "I think our jaws just dropped to the ground. There were some coffee mugs that my husband had out. She had washed them all.

"She wrote a note on a napkin and left it on the table, saying, '$75 I was here to clean,' and left her name and number."

Assuming she had got the wrong house, Mrs Bush gave the woman a call.

"I said, what happened, did you get the wrong house? She said, 'No, I do this all the time'.

I do like an optimist...

That’s it: I’m orf to hunt for Zebra mussels in the moat

And today’s thought:

Poor piss MP’s

Angus

Striking call centres: Taking the piss: Uddingston nickers: Everest is rubbish: Photo Numpty: and a bottle of Bacon.

Allegedly there is going to be yet another warm and sunny thingy at the Castle this morn, the butler has cleaned out the moat, the garden still needs seeing to, the windows and the Rover still need washing, but the well padded sun lounger was so comfortable that I nodded orf and missed the F1 qualifying (thank what’s his/her name for I-player), still I can try again today with the Race.

We all know how hard jobs are to come by, especially if you are approaching old fartship and you would think that those who are employed-especially by the state would be a bit careful, but thousands of Jobcentre staff are to go on strike this month in a dispute over working conditions and management targets.

The Public and Commercial Services union (PCS) said its members in 37 call centres would walk out on 18 April.

In January, union members staged a two-day strike at seven centres.

The DWP announced a revamp of its telephone and benefit processing service in October 2009.

The January action started after a decision to convert seven benefit processing offices into "contact centres," with staff re-allocated to taking calls from the public.

Since then the dispute has broadened to include staff at all 37 contact centres.

"We are being prevented from providing a good quality service to the public because of unnecessary and unrealistic call centre targets," said Jane Aitchison, president of the PCS department for work and pensions.

Since when has the Dept of Witless Pillocks “provided a good quality service”? Ask my mentally ill mate, he has only just got back the year’s money they owed him six weeks after winning his appeal, and then they repaid it in two lumps.

And talking of useless twats

Parliament was hit by a new expenses row over “golden goodbyes” totalling up to £10 million to more than 200 former MPs.

They include a string of politicians caught up in the expenses scandal who are entitled to five-figure sums after standing down or losing their seat.

Taxpayers will be left to foot the huge bill as many families are forced to tighten their belts further in the economic crisis. On leaving the Commons, MPs are eligible for a resettlement grant of up to a year's salary, depending on their age and years of service, with the first £30,000 tax-free.

Critics say the payouts are too generous, compared with those in the private sector, and especially for MPs stepping down voluntarily. A study by the TaxPayers' Alliance found that 218 MPs who were either defeated or quit at the general election could claim grants totalling £10.4 million — or on average £47,706 each.

Including former MP Douglas Hogg, 65, who put in a bill for the cleaning of the moat at his country home and is entitled to £64,766; “duck house” ex-MP Sir Peter Viggers, 72, who can claim £32,383 and former Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, 47, who is eligible for £32,383 and whose husband billed the taxpayer for adult movies, according to the TaxPayers' Alliance.

Its research showed that MP couple Julie Kirkbride, 49, and Andrew Mackay, 60, who were dubbed “Mr and Mrs Expenses” and forced to stand down over their claims, are entitled to £32,383 and £64,766 respectively. Most MPs are believed to take the special payments but some have in the past declined to accept it. MPs are fully entitled to the payouts under the allowances regime but it is undergoing a major overhaul after being heavily criticised. A number of former MPs who have been elevated to the Lords are also entitled to the “golden goodbyes” from the Commons.

Makes you proud to live in a democracy………doesn’t it?

North of the border

We have wooden top twats, British detectives said on Wednesday they were hunting for thieves who broke into one of their own police stations and stole their uniforms and radios.

The crooks burgled the police station in Uddingston, not far from Glasgow in Scotland, in the early hours of Tuesday morning when the office was shut.

"At no time has the safety of the public or any officer been jeopardized as a result of this break-in," said a spokeswoman for Strathclyde Police.

She declined to say how the criminals had got into the building but added the radios had been disabled and could no longer be used.

Oh well that’s alright then……….        (It’s the white building on the left with the jam sandwich outside)

East a long, long way

A team of mountaineers led by a veteran Sherpa guide flew Wednesday to Mount Everest on an expedition to clear away tons of trash left on the world’s highest peak.

Since Everest was first conquered in 1953, thousands of people have climbed it, leaving behind the empty oxygen bottles, ropes, tents and other garbage that made their journey possible.

Nepal has since required climbers to bring down everything they take up the mountain or lose their deposit, but debris from past climbs still litters the slopes.

The team that left Katmandu on Wednesday — led by Apa, a Sherpa who has climbed Everest a record 20 times — plans to bring down 11,000 pounds (5,000 kilograms) of garbage during the spring climbing season.

“I want to do this for my country, my people and for Everest,” said Apa, who uses only one name.

The team hopes to clear 8,800 pounds (4,000 kilograms) of garbage from the lower part of the mountain and another 2,200 pounds (1,000 kilograms) from near the 29,035-foot (8,850-meter) summit.

Hope he has enough black plastic bags.

West a fair amount

A suspect in a North Carolina robbery is in jail after a T-shirt bearing his photo was found near the crime scene.

Police said a man and woman were at home when two men broke in and took a wallet and some jewellery. The suspects struggled with the man as they fled.

Later, the man found a black T-shirt on the ground displaying a mug shot and the slogan: "Making money is my thang."

Photographic Numpty

And finally:

Still in the land of the big breakfast and the home of the Porcus

A Chicago cologne manufacturer has announced the creation of a new unisex scent designed to make the wearer smell like bacon.

Cologne firm Fargginay said the scent, aptly named Bacon, includes 11 oils, flowers and herbs in a mixture designed to remind users of the smell of the beloved breakfast food, the New York Daily News reported Friday.

The company said the scent comes in two varieties, the spicy maple-inspired Bacon Classic and a lighter version of the fragrance called Bacon Gold.

The cologne can be purchased online for $36 per bottle.

Very nice, here’s an idea-buy some bacon for a couple of quid, cook it, save the fat, rub a bit behind your ears each morning and save $30.

That’s it: I’m orf to practise my electrocorticography.

And today’s thought: Have you ever noticed the people who tell you to calm down . . . are the ones that got you mad in the first place.

Angus