A whimsy more than a quickie

Oodles of solar stuff, not a jot of skywater, even less lack of warm and slight atmospheric movement at the Castle this morn, I tried to enact the old 'Ampshire ritual of snatching Dawn's crack but unfortunately in  my enfeebled state I fell orf twice and poked myself in the eye with a stick at the third attempt.


But the old bod is on the mend, I am finally able to stand upright and sit dahn for even longer without having to resort to the four poster, instead of the ring of agony I just feel as if I have been kicked in the side by an 'Orse which I know can't be true because all the 'Orses in the world are Dahn Tesco hiding in the freezers disguised as cows.


And as to the cause of the ring of agony-it wasn't the man-boob bra because I use one of those new super duper all encompassing uplifting invisible under your clothes do-dahs.

All I did was to take an empty milk container out to the "recycling" bin, as I lowered the drawbridge and stepped out there was a massive blast of more than cold wind which made me sneeze as I lifted up the lid and "presto"-bad back and the ring of agony.


Now: I blame the Government entirely for my mishap because if they had introduced global warming as promised in their manifesto none of this would have happened, I would have been able to walk to the bin in my shirt sleeves without having to spend five bloody days in bed.

And I would like a rebate from the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition for all the filthy lucre I have given them to make Blighty on a par with the Med which they have failed to do miserably-as usual.

Ta very much for your good wishes and advice.

See you tomorrow-maybe...



Angus

Mental MPs: M25 meander: Yoof of today?: Plastic sheep pens: Mental EU: and some more street art.

‘Tis hurling it down at the Castle this morn, the air is moving faster than the fastest thing you could think of and the liquid metal gauge is whimpering in the corner.

The trip to the dentist yestermorn took a bit longer than expected, but after some jabs, a lot of drilling and a second shower I now have a shiny new front “toof”, which was produced on the magic laser guided printer thingy while I waited.

I think I am going mental myself, I sorted this out at six of the am and then forget to publish it....

Apparently MPs need annual mental health checkups

According to Dr Ashley Weinberg heavy workloads and absence from their families may affect politicians' abilities to do their jobs.

He suggests the tests should involve whether MPs have confidence in themselves, their ability to make decisions, their emotional state and whether stress levels are affecting their sleep.

"We need to discover whether MPs are suffering from extreme stress, depression or anxiety. In any working population twenty per cent may well be."

He also says David Cameron should have a regular "behind the scenes" test of his mental well-being.

I’ll second that, but how about testing them BEFORE they become MPS...

All around the Smoke

It was a car trip around the M25 to see his baby grandson which should have taken him just 60 minutes.

But Dennis Leighton, 82, got lost along the way – and was eventually found by police 30 HOURS after setting off.

The shattered grandfather had spent two freezing nights in his vehicle and neighbours said yesterday he was being treated in hospital for hypothermia.

Widower Dennis was believed to be “confused” and was “very grateful” when he was found by officers yesterday.

A source said: “He had been driving around the south of the country, predominantly on the M25 motorway, but had also gone on to some A-roads in the area.

“We think he stopped to catch up on some much-needed sleep, in a motorway service area, before setting off again.”

He set off at 7.30pm on Monday from his home in Windsor, Berks. Ahead of him was a 53-mile journey to his daughter Hazel King’s family home in Swanley, Kent.

It was an anti-clockwise trip round the M25 – turning off at junction three – which he had done many times.

But when he failed to arrive, 40-year-old Hazel, who married husband Peter on her dad’s 70th birthday, became worried and called the police.

Dennis’s car was spotted the next day at 11.20am by a number-plate recognition camera on the M25 at Dartford, Kent.

He was only six miles away from Hazel – but he had driven too far along the M25. His silver Vauxhall Astra Estate was then not seen again for another 13 hours. Dennis was finally found at the wheel by police officers in South London at around 12.45am yesterday morning

And I thought I was a daft old fart-should have bought a satnav....

Still in busted, broke bollixed up Blighty

A British teenager has threatened to kill Santa Claus if she doesn't get what she wants.

"This Christmas, I don't ask for much, so if I don't get at least two of the things I want, I will literally kill you! Do you understand?! Oh, also, I'll hunt down your reindeers, cook them and serve their meat to homeless people on Christmas Day," Mekeeda Austin, 13, wrote in her letter, the Daily Mail reported. "No one wants that, so here's what I want."

The girl lists a BlackBerry, money, a dress, high-top Converse shoes and the real Justin Bieber.

"Remember, two of these or you die," she wrote, signing it, "Love from Keedy."

Her mother found the letter and said she thought the letter was humorous, and she'll try to get her daughter everything she wants.

"I know it sounds like she is spoiled but I like to get my daughter what she wants, also you don't want to get on the wrong side of her," Tracey Soares told the newspaper, although she admitted getting the Canadian pop singer might be difficult because Bieber "will be busy with (his) own (family) on Christmas Day

Austin told the reporter she didn't see any problem with the letter.

"I want all of these things and I don't see why I shouldn't get them," she said.

I know what I would give her....

Dahn to the bottom of our wet and windy land

Six green plastic sheep on a West Sussex roundabout have been put behind bright yellow safety barriers to stop drivers thinking they are real.

The fake flock was installed at the junction on the A283 in Shoreham to promote the South Downs National Park, reports the BBC.

A West Sussex County Council spokeswoman said: "The sheep are bright green so they are not mistaken for the real thing.

"However, because some motorists have expressed concerns that the sheep are real, temporary roadwork barriers were placed around them two weeks ago."

The promotion was part of a scheme in which companies and organisations could sponsor a roundabout by paying for maintenance and improvements.

"For larger roundabouts, such as A283 Shoreham, we expect a feature such as a sculpture or enhanced planting to be provided," added the spokeswoman.

"We are discussing a long-term solution with the sponsor."

Bloody baa-rmy Elfandsafety  Jobsworths...

 And talking of barmy

According to the EU prunes do not have a laxative effect and producers cannot say that they do.

It comes after the organisation was mocked last month a ruling that led to a ban on claims that drinking water can prevent dehydration.

Despite a long held belief that prunes, traditionally served with custard, are good for improving bowel function, the European Food Safety Authority (EFSA) has ruled this is not the case.

Its experts said there was "insufficient" evidence of a link between the dried plums and normal bowel function after looking at three studies of prune consumption.

Last February, an EFSA paper reported: "The Panel concludes that the evidence provided is insufficient to establish a cause and effect relationship between the consumption of dried plums of 'prune' cultivars (Prunus domestica L.) And maintenance of normal bowel function.

The authority had been asked to investigate claims that prunes ensure healthy digestion and bowel function.

In two studies, it was claimed there was no significant difference to participants after eating prunes.

Feed the Pratts on prunes for a week or so and then wait for the conclusion....

And finally:

Some nice art to cheer up your day.

That’s it: I’m orf to keep an eye on a black hole

And today’s thought:

Angus

Passing rock: Five year kicking: EU veto: Assisi Satan: Numb nuts hackers: The age of guns: and Old Fart parking.

Not bad at the Castle this morn, cloudyish, coldish, dryish and calmish, study-empty, his Maj-still bonkers, been out for a drive while the roads are quiet, and hopefully the bonfire bollix is over so that me and my pussy can get a bit of peace.

Apparently an asteroid bigger than an aircraft carrier will dart between the Earth and Moon on Tuesday the closest encounter by such a huge space rock in 35 years.

Scientists say this one will not threaten to destroy Earth.

“We’re 100 per cent confident that this is not a threat,” said the manager of NASA’s Near Earth Object Programme, Don Yeomans.

The asteroid, named 2005 YU55, is a quarter-mile across and is being watched by ground antennas in California and Puerto Rico as it approaches from the direction of the Sun. The closest point will occur at 11.28pm on Tuesday when the asteroid passes within 202,000 miles of Earth and 150,000 miles from the Moon. Both the Earth and Moon are safe “this time”, said Jay Melosh, professor of Earth and atmospheric sciences at Purdue University in Indiana.

If 2005 YU55 was to hit earth, it would blast out a crater four miles across and 1,700ft deep, says Professor Melosh. This would mean an earthquake magnitude of 7 and 70ft waves – twice the height of the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, which killed 230,000 people in 14 countries.

 

Bigger than an aircraft carrier-how big is that, as we don’t have any I need a point of reference.

And yet again-hard pressed households will see their gas and electricity bills rise by 30 per cent within the next five years, according to a senior industry watchdog.

That comes on top of the 21 per cent rise in energy prices over the past 12 months that has left families and pensioners struggling to find, on average, an extra £224 for heating and with a bitterly cold winter said to be on the way, rising energy prices will have “dangerous consequences” and put people’s health at risk, says Ann Robinson, director of consumer policy at price comparison website uSwitch.

Research by uSwitch found that 23 million households, or 89 per cent of the population, will ration their energy usage this winter, either by keeping their heating on low or turning it off altogether to save on fuel bills.

Given current trends, she believes that energy prices will have risen by nearly a third by 2016.

Just a guess then...

Allegedly Britain will be marooned inside a "permanent minority" in European Union decision making in just three years' times after rule changes kick in on member states' voting powers, according to a new report.

The document seen by The Sunday Telegraph shows that under changes already agreed to in the Lisbon Treaty, eurozone countries voting as a "caucus" will have a permanent in-built majority in the EU's Council of Ministers - its main decision-making body - from November 2014.

Britain will be unable to block a plethora of new laws even it if it joins together with other countries not in the eurozone - risking severe damage, in particular, to the City of London.

Yet another reason to get the hell out....

Over in the land of onions and the odd basilica

Art restorers have discovered the figure of a devil hidden in the clouds of one of the most famous frescos by Giotto in the Basilica of St Francis in Assisi, church officials said on Saturday.

The devil was hidden in the details of clouds at the top of fresco number 20 in the cycle of the scenes in the life and death of St Francis painted by Giotto in the 13th century.

The discovery was made by Italian art historian Chiara Frugone. It shows a profile of a figure with a hooked nose, a sly smile, and dark horns hidden among the clouds in the panel of the scene depicting the death of St Francis.

The figure is difficult to see from the floor of the basilica but emerges clearly in close-up photography.

A devil: How many are there then?

Still in the land of smelly cars and Vino

A fan site for a French rugby union team is recovering after hackers mistook it for the website of the German stock exchange and launched an attack.

The allezdax.com website for second division Dax in rugby-loving southwest France was shut down for two weeks after its usual 700 daily page hits -- 1,200 on match days -- skyrocketed to 80,000 because of the attack.

"Our defences were certainly inadequate," one of the site's administrators who gave his name as Stephane told the France Bleu Gascogne radio station.

He said the hackers had "insulted us copiously in German" thinking they were something to do with the DAX, Germany's blue-chip stock market index. 

Shame they weren’t on pay to click....

Left a lot to the land of the right to wear short sleeved shirts

South Carolina officials say a 10-year-old trick-or-treater pulled a handgun on a woman who joked that she'd steal his Halloween candy.

The Augusta Chronicle reported today a 28-year-old woman told authorities she recognized some youngsters Monday evening and she joked she'd take their candy.

Aiken Public Safety Lt. David Turno says a 10-year-old in the group said "no" and pointed the handgun at her.

Turno says the gun wasn't loaded but the boy had a clip of ammunition. He was taken to the police station and was turned over to his parents.

Turno said the boy's brother, who is also 10, told officials he also had a gun and both weapons were recovered by police. Turno says the boys got them from their grandfather without his permission.

Think I would rather have the treat....

And finally: 

Still in the land of submarine motors

An 86-year-old woman in America is recovering after accidentally driving her car into a swimming pool.

It happened when Mary Lee Fine, who lives in a retirement home in Austin, Texas, tried to get into her car through the passenger seat because the driver's side was blocked by another car.

After starting the car, it unexpectedly went into drive, reversed and hit another vehicle.

It then sped through the parking area, hitting a fence and finally landing in the pool.

"In pushing myself to get over, I either hit the key or the gear shift, I don't know what happened, but the car backed up - wooo whoom," she said.

Mrs Fine's car started filling with water but it was propped up by a garden chair that was knocked into the pool during the incident.

It stopped the car from sinking, allowing Mrs Fine to remain safe until her neighbour was able to wade into the pool and rescue her.

Luckily, she said, the water was warm.

She added she may take a taxi the next time she goes shopping.

Wasn’t an Austin Maxi then....

That’s it: I’m orf to Charlie’s place in Falmouth 

And today’s thought: George Osborne should resign, as there isn’t any money left in the treasury he's got nothing to do.

Angus

Tesco Bankers: Heatwave: Bi Plane: Hitler’s goblets: Chattanooga Chew, chew: and a smelly old fart.

Cold, damp and dismal at the Castle this morn, his Majesty has discovered the pleasure of climbing up my legs while I am standing in the kitchen, the garden still needs fettling, the study is empty of all things broken and I am knackered.

And I have received the quote for the Honda insurance-it has gone up fifty quid although it is a lower insurance group than the Rover-robbing bastards....

I see that Columbo has shuffled orf this mortal coil at the age of 83, another part of my youth gorn....

And the Tesco Wankers Bank which has suffered technical problems with online accounts says it will refund anyone who has incurred costs as a result.

The bank, which said its website was now "fully operational", will deal with claims on a case-by-case basis.

It said that it would refund customers who could prove they had lost out financially as a result of the fault.

Problems originally surfaced after the bank transferred savings and loans products in-house at the weekend.

Customers' frustrations were increased when many found they could not get through on the telephone to the busy customer service call centre. 

Sounds about right...

Apparently a heatwave will hit south and east England this weekend, with soaring temperatures putting elderly and vulnerable people at risk, forecasters have warned.

The Met Office has issued a heat-health alert for the East Midlands, east of England and the South East, where temperatures of 86F (30C) are likely on Sunday and Monday and could peak at 90F (32C) on Monday.

The high temperatures could be dangerous, particularly for the very old, the very young and those with chronic conditions, forecasters said.  

Yeah right-see the first paragraph.

Left a fair number of non Euro units

Days before a college football player was arrested on a US Airways flight at San Francisco airport following a dispute over his saggy pants, the airline allowed another man wearing skimpy women's panties and mid-thigh stockings to fly, according to a passenger and airline spokeswoman.

Jill Tarlow, a passenger on a June 9 flight from Fort Lauderdale, Fla., to Phoenix, took a photo of the scantily clad man, which she provided to the San Francisco Chronicle. The newspaper published the photo in its Wednesday edition.

The man flew six days before University of New Mexico football player DeShon Marman was arrested on a US Airways flight at San Francisco airport following allegations he refused to pull up his pants.

US Airways spokeswoman Valerie Wunder defended the airline's decision to let the man fly, saying employees acted correctly.
"We don't have a dress code policy," Wunder said. "Obviously, if their private parts are exposed, that's not appropriate...So if they're not exposing their private parts, they're allowed to fly."

 Nice.....

Back in Blighty

Four goblets believed to have been owned by Adolf Hitler and used at his Berlin bunker have sold at auction for £3,000.

The engraved receptacles, edged in gold and etched with the Nazi eagle, a swastika and the initials AH, were expected to sell for around £8,000.

But the Specialist International Militaria sale in Towcester, Northants, saw them snapped up for just £3,000 by a buyer in Sweden.

Auctioneer Jonathan Humbert, of JPHumbert Auctioneers, said the price was still reasonable for an item with no written proof of its background.

They have got to be fake; Hitler only had one goblet, didn’t he?

Back across the wide wet thing

A Tennessee man's body is being exhumed to remove dentures that belong to another man after a mix-up at a Chattanooga hospital.

Parkridge Medical Centre spokeswoman Alison Counts told The Chattanooga Times Free Press that the body of 76-year-old Kenneth Ray Manis will be exhumed after his family learned the dentures belonged to an intensive care patient who shared the same hospital room.

Court records obtained by the newspaper showed Manis died on June 12. The dentures were with personal items placed inside his coffin. Counts said Manis' family asked that the dentures be removed.

The hospital has apologized and will be paying for new dentures, as well as reburial costs and attorney's fees. The hospital declined to identify the patient who lost his dentures.

That sucks!

 And finally:

 Many, many things to the right

A father of seven girls has not washed in 37 years because a priest told him it would guarantee a son.

Farmer Kailash Singh, 65, whose dreadlocks are six feet long, has not touched water, save to rinse his mouth and hands, since 1974.

Instead, he takes a “fire bath” every night – smoking marijuana, praying to the Hindu god Lord Shiva and dancing around a bonfire.

The farmer, from Chatav, India, where temperatures regularly reach 47C, said: “Children tease me and my wife doesn’t like it, but she must bear all the hardships I have to bear.

“I have no son, so I will never wash again.”

Not really working is it......

 That’s it: I’m orf to buy some super sand for the moat.

And today’s thought: If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

 Angus

IS IT ME……… BUT. THE PERCEPTIONS OF AN OLD FART

Is the freezer the best place to put your keys?

Why are the days passing by twice as quickly as they used to.

Why are my feet getting further away?

Why are my arms getting shorter?

Why did I come upstairs?

Why am I in the bathroom?

Why did I buy washing up liquid when I really meant to get bread?

Why am I driving to a house I no longer live in?

Why am I considering buying a Volvo?

Why can’t I remember my date of birth?

Why can’t I get the bloody lid off the milk container?

Why are there more stairs to the bedroom than there used to be?

Why do I make strange noises when I bend down?

Why are my legs going bald around the ankles but, hair is sprouting from every other part of my anatomy.

Why is it that I eat much less and still put on weight?

Why am I afraid to fart?

Why is it that I feel I need to pee and, when I finally get to the loo I don’t want to?

Why is it that your bowels work at twice the speed they used to but, your legs only work half as fast?

Why do I keep losing my glasses when they are on my head all the time?

Why is it that when I finally remember to do something, by the time I get there I have forgotten again?

Why do I suck in my stomach when attractive young ladies pass by, it’s not as if they notice me?

That’s enough “whys” any more and social services will come round and put me in care.

But there are advantages to being an old fart-

You don’t have to shave every day just to impress someone.

You don’t have to dress well, anything comfortable will do.

You don’t have to listen to people you don’t like that much; just a nod and a grunt will suffice.

You can pretend to be confused and get loads of things done for you, especially in DIY places.

You can drive more slowly, which gives you the chance to actually see the road signs.

You can pretend to be a bit deaf, and ignore people.

You can be as rude as you like, and it is considered as “eccentric”.

It doesn’t matter if you go out in your slippers.

If you go around talking to yourself because you have forgotten the shopping list, people give you a “bless” look.

You can pull faces at snotty little kids and no body minds.

You can take ages at the cash point, trying to remember your bleedin pin number.

You can have a good scratch in public without being embarrassed.

You can forget appointments, especially the ones that involve pain-dentists and doctors, and it is OK.

So perhaps the pros and cons of being an old fart even themselves out.

And to be honest there is firk all you can do about it, so you may as well enjoy it.


Angus