Northern cock-up: Carriage on the line: Advanced Hypersonic Weapon: Chastity and Cuckolding: Axing snowploughs: and some 3d art.

Warmish, dryish, calmish and sunnyish at the Castle this morn, the study is still a vacuum for ex computing thingies and I had the injection in the right elbow yestermorn-bloody painful, it has swollen up to a size larger than U-Turn Cam’s ego, so I am writing this with left hand only.

I don’t usually do football but;

Apparently there is a bit of hoo-ha over some bloke called Step Ladder who runs the football thingy.

Allegedly Step Ladder is facing calls for his resignation after claiming that racism on the pitch is not a problem and that racist abuse between players should be settled by a handshake.

Fine; whatever; now stop putting it on every “news” channel on the box....

 And: 

Son of a B....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I don’t have a GCSE in maths) Osborne has managed to sell orf our Northern Rock bank for £400 million less than “we” paid for it.

The lucky recipient of this knock down gift is old beardy Branson who must be rubbing his hands together in glee over 75 branches, 2,100 staff, one million customers, a £14bn mortgage book and retail deposits of £16bn. The combined business will operate in the high street under the Virgin Money brand.

The Chancellor insisted the deal – under which Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Money takes Northern Rock over for £747m, possibly rising to £1bn – represented good value.

Meanwhile “we” are keeping the £20bn of toxic assets such as bad debts and closed mortgages.

Who “voted” for this unelected bunch of Wankers?

Meanwhile up in the Chilterns

Chiltern Railways is scrapping a service because the train is too big.

For years around 30 or so commuters in Saunderton, Bucks could rely on the 7.19am to Marylebone Station which would get them into London just after 8am.

But from next month the service is going to disappear because the train will be too long for the platform.

This follows the decision of the company to add a seventh carriage to the service to ease overcrowding, but alas it is one too many for Saunderton station.

As Chiltern does not employ guards, it is not possible to only open some of the doors on the train.

 

Makes a change from leaves, wrong type of snow/rain/heat and Lions I suppose....

Over the sea to the big bit on the left

Allegedly the Pentagon held a successful test flight on Thursday of a flying bomb that travels faster than the speed of sound and will give military planners the ability to strike targets anywhere in the world in less than a hour.

Launched by rocket from Hawaii at 1130 GMT, the "Advanced Hypersonic Weapon," or AHW, glided through the upper atmosphere over the Pacific "at hypersonic speed" before hitting its target on the Kwajalein atoll in the Marshall Islands, a Pentagon statement said.

Kwajalein is about 2,500 miles (4,000 kilometres) southwest of Hawaii. The Pentagon did not say what top speeds were reached by the vehicle, which unlike a ballistic missile is manoeuvrable.

Scientists classify hypersonic speeds as those that exceed Mach 5 -- or five times the speed of sound -- 3,728 miles (6,000 kilometres) an hour.

The test aimed to gather data on "aerodynamics, navigation, guidance and control, and thermal protection technologies," said Lieutenant Colonel Melinda Morgan, a Pentagon spokeswoman.

The US Army's AHW project is part of "Prompt Global Strike" program which seeks to give the US military the means to deliver conventional weapons anywhere in the world within an hour.

Back in the bunker...

Back in the Smoke

A London dominatrix has mastered the world of academia - and is well on her way to a doctorate in sexual fetishism.

Hannah Platt, aka Mistress Absolute, is studying at Birbeck College at the University of London in an effort to become a leading authority on 'Chastity and Cuckolding'.

The professional dominatrix has more than 10 years experience and has made full disclosure of her profession to university authorities.

"I have made no secret of my professional life," she said. "They were cool about the whole thing and understood that my day job gives me a unique insight in to the subject matter.

"I am studying all aspects of chastity and cuckolding from a historical and psychoanalytical perspective. It is truly fascinating - and extremely relevant in these troubled times."

Mistress Absolute will be sharing some of her experience this weekend by running a special Fetish Club Zone at the Erotica adult lifestyle event at the Olympia in London.

 

Wonder if there are any tickets left...

Back over to the left

An axe-wielding man attacked a snow plough truck in Big Lake earlier this month, apparently because he was angered by a snow berm (A ridge of snow pushed up by a plough) blocking in his car, according to charging documents.

The truck's driver, James Ross, told Alaska State Troopers a man with a "maul-style axe" ran in front of his truck on Saquonee Street in Big Lake the afternoon of Nov. 6, forcing Ross to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting the man, according to a trooper affidavit filed in court.

Then Logan hit the driver's side door of the truck with the axe, causing about $200 in damage, according to the affidavit. Ross drove away, fearing that Logan would attack him next, the court papers say. The plough driver then gave troopers Logan's description and told them where the attack occurred.

The man, later identified as 44-year-old Vernon Logan, swore at Ross while asking what Ross was doing, the court papers say.

Err, snow plough-what did he think he was doing...

And finally: 

Back to the Smoke

3D Street artists Joe & Max turned part of London's Canary Wharf quayside into the longest and largest 3D artwork as part of the Guinness World Records Day today.

The waterfall image measures 1,160.4 metres square and is 106.5m long, beating the previous 892.15metre square record set by China's Qi Xinghua, and will remain on display until tomorrow.

Or until it rains...

That’s it: I’m orf to plumb the depths of the moat. 

And today’s thought: I went to the bank and went over my savings. I found out I have all the money that I'll ever need. .. . If I die tomorrow." -- Henny Youngman

Angus

Credible Chancellor: Healthy staff: Bonkers Conkers: Bag a train: Cheapskate in China: and a paper car.

Cloudy, cold and calm at the Castle this morn, the study is empty of anything ailing, the garden still needs a medium fettling and his Maj is not happy with the lack of temperature.

According to son of a B...aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George Osborne

The Government has a "credible fiscal plan" to enable Britain to ride out the economic storm.

Asked on BBC Radio 4's Today programme about his previous comments in 2009 that 'printing money is the last resort of desperate governments when all other policies have failed', Mr Osborne said: "We inherited as a Government a pretty desperate fiscal position and we had to take action.

"I think the crucial difference this time is that you've got a credible Government plan to deal with our debt."

He added: "I said the path of radical monetary action and responsible fiscal policy, that is the right route and in 2011 that is precisely the route we're following."

Mr Osborne said Britain's authorities were using "all the tools available" to deal with the "worsening global debt storm".

 

“Tools” being the operative word....

And:

Allegedly.

Health service managers who are responsible for funding patient care spent more than £100,000 in a year on awards ceremonies, away days and parties.

One Primary Care Trust alone had a bill of almost £15,000 for motivational staff events and entertainment that included a Christmas dinner.

Others used public money to pay for meetings at golf courses, retirement parties and barbecues.

It comes despite growing evidence that PCTs, who decide what drugs and hospital treatment to pay for, are increasingly restricting patient access to care.

A recent report claimed that some trusts are deliberately increasing waiting times to save money, with the additional result that some patients either “go private or die”.

Others are rationing access to cancer scans and expensive medicines, as the NHS struggles to save £20billion by 2015. 

Power corrupts....

Up in Northamptonshire

The World Conker Championships has been cancelled due to high winds.

The annual competition at Ashton Conker Club has been called off after bad weather blighted efforts to set up marquees at the site in Polebrook near Oundle.

About 300 competitors from 20 countries were set to take part in the championships on Sunday.

John Hadman, secretary of the club, said: "It is very sad."

Established in 1965, the championship attracts thousands of visitors every year that come to watch entrants from across the globe compete for the Conker Crown.

Mr Hadman said the event was too large to be staged indoors.

"The future is in the balance," "We want to carry on but the weather could be just as bad next year."

 Shouldn’t have held the curry eating contest first....

Over in the land of loads of bicycles and no hills

Dutch national rail operator NS unveiled plans on Friday for passengers to have access to urinal bags on trains without toilets should they face an urgent need, courting controversy with commuters and politicians.

“This is for emergency planning, not casual use, like having first aid kits onboard. We are preparing for the winter, say for example when there is one metre of snow and evacuation is not possible,” NS Spokesman Edwin van Scherrenburg said.

Dutch media had a field day on Friday publishing stories with images of biodegradable urinal bags and several Dutch politicians expressed disbelief and amusement with the plans, which they said showed the need for toilets on all trains. 

And if you need a number 2?

 

East more than a lot

A Chinese woman astonished tourists when she scrambled up a 70ft castle wall - to avoid paying the £2.50p admission fee.

Nimble Ma Jei - who had no rope or safety equipment when - told other visitors she'd been climbing the walls of Zhonghau Castle since childhood and had never once paid to get in.

But when other visitors tried to follow her example, by trying to scale the virtually sheer walls of the attraction, in Nanjing, Jiangsu province, they came unstuck.

Two tourists needed hospital treatment after falling and breaking their legs while three others had to be rescued by police officers.

"She ran up the wall like a goat and made it look easy. But when people tried it for themselves they saw it wasn't quite as simple as they thought," explained one tourist.

 

Monkey sees........

And finally:

A paper car.

 

This 1969 Ford Mustang is made entirely of paper. Reproduced in its entirety down to the nuts and bolts and made to full scale, the famous American muscle car is displayed at the Hosfelt Gallery in New York City. The complex piece was created by 31-year-old artist Jonathan Brand.

 Wonder why it doesn’t have windscreen washers.....

 That’s it: I’m orf to have a butchers at the Crab Pulsar.

And today’s thought: "A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke; 'Just looking.'- Tommy Cooper.

 

Angus

A BIT OF PROPER(ISH) NEWS

The Gov has decided that if we eat less Lamb and more chicken and pork we will save the planet

And you may well ask why-the answer is that producing 2.2. lbs of lamb puts 37ld of Carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, whereas tomatoes only produce 20lbs and potatoes 1lb for each 2.2 lbs.


Lamb produces so much carbon dioxide because sheep belch so much methane, which is a potent greenhouse gas. Cows are also damaging, releasing the equivalent of 35lbs of CO2 per 2.2lbs. Previous studies have shown that a herd of 200 cows can produce annual emissions of methane - roughly equivalent to driving a family car more than 100,000 miles on more than four gallons of petrol.



The study also found that alcoholic drinks contribute significantly to emissions, with the growing and processing of hops and malt into beer and whisky producing 1.5 per cent of Britain's greenhouse gas.


More than a third of all methane emissions in the country is produced by farm animals. By volume, methane is 20 times more powerful at trapping solar energy than carbon dioxide.


Yep and more than 90% of all greenhouse gasses are produced by the bullshit coming from the Houses of Parliament.

And talking of bullshit the government has spent £500,000 of our money on research to discover that commuters want……trains to run on time.

“The report for the RSSB, which is funded by the Department for Transport to the tune of £12million every year, discovered that passengers are likely to be in a "positive emotional state" if their train is punctual and announcements are audible and comprehensible, and in a "negative" frame of mind if the service is late and no one tells them why.”

Rail users were lumped into bizarre categories in the document. "Snipers" hover next to an occupied seat, ready to take it when it becomes vacant, while "Sentinels" lean against a partition, thought to be the most tolerable standing spot.

"Blockers" hold the grab rail, making it impossible for others to pass. "Heroes" fight through the crowd in search of an aisle space or seat.

And “Tossers” run the railways.

Microsoft have come up with a game which needs no controllers, the movement of the players is detected by the games console instead.

The Xbox 360 system, which is expected to be launched next month, means people can drive a virtual car, kick a computer-generated football and dance with an on-screen partner simply by moving in the correct way. A gun can be fired by pulling an imaginary trigger and a fighter plane flown by holding an invisible joystick.

The machine, which uses infra-red light to monitor movements in three dimensions, is designed to end the dominance of the Nintendo Wii, which has revolutionised computer gaming by using the players' own movements to control the action. However it uses motion-sensitive hand or foot controls.

It is expected to be launched as early as next month at the E3 video game conference in Los Angeles.

Just a hint to Microsoft-instead of spending millions on new games, GET THE FIRKIN OPERATING SYSTEMS SORTED OUT ON COMPUTERS FIRST!

Please go to barman five-Drinkers in Oldham will have to queue at bars and buy no more than two beers at a time in an attempt to curb violence and binge-drinking.

Customers will be encouraged to stand behind rope barriers similar to those used in banks and post offices as they wait to be served, while drinking in the queue will also be discouraged, under new proposals.

The new rules have been put in place by Oldham Council in all 22 pubs in the town centre. The 2003 Licensing Act allows police and trading standards to apply for variations in a pub licence if these is concern about alcohol-related violence.

Critics, however, have branded the new plans "unnecessary".

"We have no problem with tackling problem drinking but this is not the way to go about it," said Mark Hastings, of the British Beer and Pub Association.

"These measures are costly, unnecessary and totally disproportionate at a time when around 40 pubs are closing every week.

"People aren't going to want to drink if they have to queue up as if they're in the post office."
Here’s a novel idea to reduce binge drinking, bring back the licensing hours.

And finally:

The village where Jamie Oliver lives has some new inhabitants, A scarecrow poking fun at money-grabbing MPs is one of nearly 70 which have sprung up in Jamie Oliver's home village.

The figure is part of an invasion of novelty bird-scarers, including Darth Vader, the Village People and Margaret Thatcher, which have popped up all over the tiny rural idyll of Clavering, Essex.

But one enterprising resident saw an opportunity to make a dig at scandal-hit politicians who have been exposed by the Daily Telegraph's investigation into MPs expenses.
The scarecrow of a gardener pushing a lawnmower has popped up outside a pretty thatched cottage in the village.

Signs offering 'moat clearing', 'removals organised for flipping' and stating 'Invoices can be sent direct to Westminster if desired' have also been errected.

Local MP for Saffron Walden Alan Hazlehurst spent £12,000 on gardening costs over five years.
Farmer Peter Balaam, who made the effigy, said he was not pointing the finger at him but at MPs in general.

Organisers of the fete have been astounded by the response to their idea after 67 figures appeared on grass verges, in gardens and on benches in the pretty village.

Among the more inventive are four seven foot "Village People" doing the YMCA, an effigy of Margaret Thatcher climbing a roof and Darth Vader sitting by the village pond.

There is also a bride, a scene from The Wizard of Oz and Little Miss Muffet.

Mrs Cook, 39, said: "It's just gone mad. We expected a dozen at most but there has been an invasion in the village.

"There is a man in a bowler hat left on the bench, who looks like he is waiting for a lift and a cleaner was left next to the village sign.

Maybe they should put the scarecrows up for election, they couldn’t do any worse, and they would.t need expenses, apart from the odd bale of straw.

“Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules”-Douglas Adams


Angus
NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS The Other Side

THE SUNDAY SECTION

Bacon Butty?

Here’s the best place to get one according to the AA-Bob's Big Bite in Stourbridge; a combination of "solid back bacon" between "robust" hand-sliced bread presented on "a real plate with a paper napkin" according to the Telegraph.

Or how a bout Britain’s best cup of char: Mega Bites cafe in Portsmouth.

And after that the best loos can be found at Mickey's Diner in Aylesford, Kent.

These discoveries were made by Andy Taylor, the AA's patrolman of the year who spent a month travelling round, and gaining half a stone in weight.

The “experts” in Leeds University have of course made vital research into this most important subject, and have produced a recipe for the perfect bacon butty-Take two or three back bacon rashers, cook under a preheated grill for seven minutes at around 240°C and nestle between two slices of farmhouse bread around 1-2cm thick.

And there is even a formula-N = C + {fb (cm) . fb (tc)} + fb (Ts) + fc . ta, where N=force in Newtons required to break the cooked bacon, fb=function of the bacon type, fc=function of the condiment/filling effect, Ts=serving temperature, tc=cooking time, ta=time or duration of application of condiment/filling, cm=cooking method, C=Newtons required to break uncooked bacon.


I can smell the bacon now.



How not to behave at an airport- The Register

The woman turned up late for her flight to San Franciso, the plane doors had been closed and her luggage was offloaded, she threw a “wobbly”, you will need earpugs if you click on the video.


Spoilt brat comes to mind.


See through trains- The Register

Well not really, but female staff who work for Express's East Coast line connecting London and Edinburgh have refused to sport new uniforms because the blouses leave "little to the imagination" of passengers.

The Transport Salaried Staffs Association said that staff had returned the offending clothing to the company demanding a less transparent alternative.

The SUN of course has provided a photo of a see through blouse here, if you feel the need lads.

Still I suppose it’s better then looking at the back of someones head when you are standing because the train is so crowded.




And staying on the “wobbly bits” theme- quicker-drying bras • The Register , the ultimate accessory for those ladies who don’t have more than one bra- The Bra Dryer, which uses infra-red heat to “gently remove moisture” from the offending item.

Maybe they could make use of it at Express's East Coast.




And finally Ryanair may charge cattle to use the bog • The Register

Yes I know it’s old news but, Ryanair is taking the piss, passengers have to load their own luggage, pay for everything from food to the air they breathe, in order for the airline to “keep lowering the cost of air travel." Eventually the “extras” will cost more than the flight: the next thing will be a whip round for the fuel before take off.

If it comes into force here is a link for urine drainage bags, giant nappies are available from all good drug stores: it may work out cheaper.

“Flying might not be all plain sailing, but the fun of it is worth the price.” Amelia Earhart


Angus

NHS Behind the headlines

Angus Dei politico