Tax bounty: Big Blighty fish: Dive!-pedal-pedal-pedal: God on the go: Tiger shark nabs a snapper: and another Darwin Numpty.

Dull, damp, dingy, dodgy and dull at the Castle this morn, there is more than a whimsy of lack of warm stuff, and the roses have been ruined (again) by the skywater as “summer” returns.

A quick recap-The saga of the ‘Aga’ is finally over (I hope), “engineer” 1 managed to leave the test thingy screw loose which filled the kitchen with Norf sea gas every time the water heater do-dah fired up.

Several days later “engineer” 2 arrived, tightened said test thing do-dah and decided that “engineer” 1 had also missed the fact that the ‘board’ was on the verge of suicide and ordered another.

Several days later “engineer” 3 arrived with new board, fitted it and then broke the fan by pulling on a wire a smidge too hard and ripped it out of the motor, he then disappeared for an hour or so to obtain a new whirly thing, fitted it, tested the boiler and then buggered orf.

I now have nice hot water and keep going to the kitchen every time the water thingy fires up-just in case.

But my lovely young lady arrived and trimmed what is left of my hirsute-ish bonce.

And I won’t even mention the five ring circus happening in the Smoke.

And it is now seven years and one day since “M” was taken......

All over bonus blighted Blighty

Allegedly the ‘Government’ has paid out more than £1 million in rewards for information on tax cheats since the start of the financial crisis, HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC) handed over nearly £400,000 last year as part of little known “bounty payments” for reporting on tax evasion, according to figures obtained by the investigative website Exaro. The rewards rose by more than a fifth compared to the previous financial year.

The amount paid for information ranged from around £50 to tens of thousands of pounds, depending on how much tax is recouped as a result of the information provided.

One of the largest payments is believed to have been in 2008, when HMRC was said to have paid £100,000 to a former Liechtenstein banker for a list of secret offshore accounts held by Britons.

A spokesman for HMRC said that the cash is only handed out once any tax is recovered, a process that can take years.

 Didn’t know that...

 

Up a bit to Essex

A chef and keen angler from Essex has caught what is thought to be the largest freshwater fish - weighing more than 10 stone - to be landed in the UK.

James Jones, 31, of Southminster, caught the 144lb (65.3kg) Wels catfish at the Oak Lakes Fishery, Essex.

In Britain, before records were suspended in 2000, the largest catfish caught weighed just 62lb (28kg).

After weighing the fish it was returned to the lake.

Mr Jones, a chef at the White Hart in Burnham on Crouch, Essex, said when he realised what had taken his bait he "had to shout for help".

Bet that made some poo come out....

 

Right a few foreign Kilometres

Terrified sailors dived for cover in Hamburg, Germany, when what looked like a full-scale U-Boat surfaced on the city's Alster River.

Local river police were scrambled after astonished river users dialled 999 to report the lifelike sub, created by pals Marc Aberle 46, Reinhard Crasemann, and Sven-Ole Kramer, both 45.

U-POOLY turned out to be a life-sized replica of a sub conning tower - attached to a pedalo.

Nice to see a bit of payback....

Back to the land of humour and laughter

German artist Oliver Sturm has come up with a spiffing idea to help those who can’t get to the big buildings with crosses on-the Pray-O-Mat, a converted old photo booth that features 300 pre-recorded prayers and incantations in 65 different languages, and lets you get your blessing on the go.

Known as the “Gebetomat” in Germany, the “ingenious” device has been branded as a “Pray-O-Mat” for its transition to England, where it’s gotten quite a lot of attention since being installed at the University of Manchester, as part of a study into “multi faith spaces”.

You step into the photo booth and instead of having a bunch of passport photos taken, you insert a 50 eurocent coin and pick between 300 pre-recorded prayers and chants, via touch screen.

You can listen to five minutes of “Our Father” in several different languages; hear Aborigine Devotional songs and even prayers for rain from around the world. Most of the prayers were collected by Sturm himself, but some have been found in radio archives.

 

Oh Gord....

Left a fair way to the place where the sun actually shines

Shark expert Jim Abernethy was filming a shark documentary in the Bahamas when one of the sharks decided it didn't want a starring role ... and stole his $15,000 camera.

Abernethy had placed one of his cameras on the sea floor, while attending to something else, when one of the 14-foot tiger sharks swiped it and swam off.

Footage shot by another member of the "This is Your Ocean" team shows the moment the shark, known to the team as Emma, disappeared into the water.

After giving chase, Abernethy was able to retrieve his camera gear because Emma dropped it, not because he fought her for it.

 Sod that....

 And finally:

Dahn Unda

An Australian man has suffered severe and painful burns to his bottom after he placed a firework between his buttocks in a misconceived party trick.

The 23-year-old was at a party in Darwin in the Northern Territory when he set off the firecrackers.

Police said the man was admitted to hospital after the stunt backfired on Saturday.

"It appears that a party was in full progress when a young male decided to place a firework between the cheeks of his bottom and light it," local police spokesman Garry Smith said.

"What must have seemed to be a great idea at the time has obviously backfired and resulted in the male receiving quite severe and painful burns to his cheeks, back and private bits."

According to the Herald Sun newspaper paramedics were called to the house, although the man had taken himself to hospital by the time they arrived.

It is believed the reveller may have later been flown to the Royal Adelaide Hospital, which has a specialist burns unit.

It is illegal to let off fireworks in the Darwin area except on Territory Day on July 1 to celebrate the region becoming self-governing.

People face on the spot fines of 282 Australian dollars (£190) for possessing and discharging them at other times. 

Police added that alcohol may have been a factor. 

No shit-well probably loads of the stuff-Darwin Numpty...

That’s it: I’m orf to check out the flags on the moon

And today’s thought:

Anyone got any Canesten Olympics....

Angus

A-V you got it yet?: Three core doesn’t care: Flaming porn: Tesco and the balloon: 3D magic: Parallel parking: and Dutch dogging.

Good morning all, I don’t expect that you have missed me but I have been away for a few days to somewhere warm and sunny-Welsh Wales to visit my sis and hordes of great nephews, nieces and future great-great nephews and nieces.

The weather at the Castle is warm-ish, sunny, calm, and the garden has grown beyond recognition in the last four days, there is some good news and some bad, but I will go into that later in the week.

I haven’t been near a computer for a while and have not watched the TV for days but here are some “news” items that caught my eye, and apologies for not visiting, commenting, or replying.

Apparently the Alternative Vote thingy has finally lifted off as Piss Poor Policy Dave C and Clone B (Ed millipede) go at it.

In a sign of how the campaign has driven a wedge through political parties across Westminster, Mr Miliband shared a platform with business secretary Vince Cable as well as representatives from trade unions and the Green party.

Meanwhile, David Cameron conducted an event with John Reid, former Labour home secretary.

I know which way I will be voting; hopefully the outcome will be very interesting.

And Three Core Vince Cable has said that he doesn’t care if he is sacked over the AV thing.

Neither do I.

West even farther than Welsh Wales

A man caught fire Wednesday evening inside a San Francisco porn store and was fighting for his life in the hospital after suffering third-degree burns, KCBS-TV reported.

Arson experts said it was not clear what ignited the fire but police said the man had been watching videos in a private booth when the blaze erupted.

The man ran out the front door of the adult arcade "engulfed in flames" and was spotted by police standing across the street, a police spokesman told KCBS.

"He came out of the building already on fire," Lt. Kevin McNaughton said.

Fire fighters, who luckily were only about a block away on an unrelated call, raced to the scene and doused the flames.

Must have been really hot stuff.

Down a bit to Bristol

My favourite retailer asked a mum to leave a Tesco store – because her toddler son came in with a balloon.

Dr Alicia Chrysostomou, a rubber and plastic expert, was stopped by a security guard while shopping with Sebastian, three, in his pushchair.

He said balloons were banned because they could cause a reaction if they brushed against someone with a latex allergy.

When Alicia protested she was allowed to remain, provided she removed the balloon from the handle of Sebastian’s buggy and he held on to it instead. She says the guard failed to mention the bizarre policy was in place because a member of staff at the store has a severe latex allergy.

Alicia, 44, who has a PhD in polymer engineering, said: “I’ve never heard of anyone having such a reaction that they couldn’t even walk past a balloon. Sebastian was sitting quietly with it tied to his pushchair – it’s not as if he was running amok.”

She says balloons were on show in the entrance to the Tesco Extra store at the Willow Brook centre in Bradley Stoke, Bristol.

Alicia added: “This really was health and safety gone mad. A crowd gathered with people muttering and staring. I felt like a shoplifter or something.

“If it was such a problem why not tell me as I came in rather than chase me through the store and make a scene?”

A Tesco spokesman said: “A member of staff has a severe latex allergy so we ask customers not to bring balloons into the store. There is signage at the entrance and we’re sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.”

Tesco balloon bollocks.

East a lot of non metric units

A Chinese artist, who created the world's largest 3D artwork, has created another 3D work in Shanghai.

Qi Xinghua created a 100 metre square 3D painting, the Victory Door, in front of Oriental Plaza in Shanghai, which will stay on display until next month (May).

Qi created an 892 square meter 3D painting this February in Guangzhou, southern China's Guangdong Province, and it was acknowledged as the world's largest 3D painting by the Guinness Book of Records.

Brilliant….

Dahn Unda

A Northern Territory woman's disastrous attempts at parallel parking have helped land her behind bars.

Darwin police say someone rang them after seeing the woman battling to park at the waterfront suburb of Cullen Bay just after midnight.

Police say the woman damaged another car and a gate in the process.

They say she had been drinking and was held in custody at the city watch-house while the incident was investigated.

I’m saying nothing……

And finally:

Right a bit to the land of tall people and wacky baccy

Red-faced traffic bosses are investigating how pranksters altered a set of pedestrian lights to show a couple at it whenever they turned green.

The lights - in Nimwegen, Holland - literally stopped the traffic when passers by stopped to gawp at them during rush hour.

One officer said: 'People kept pressing the button to see the couple having sex and of course every time they did, the traffic had to stop suddenly. We had quite a lot of rear end shunts from drivers who were too distracted.'

Transport officials are investigating how computer hackers managed to get into the town's traffic light system to manipulate the image.

A Town Hall spokesman said: 'We are looking at who had access and opportunity.'

Rear end shunts about sums it up.

That’s it: I’m orf to probe Gravity

And today’s thought: "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours" - Yogi Berra.

Angus

“Senior moments”: The EU runs the UK: Icelandic Todger: Suck off: Pig’s Ear of a Numpty: and are you H.A.P.P.Y?

It seems that the clement weather has gone on holiday at the Castle this morn, cold, cloudy dull and dismal, that was a short summer…

Still haven’t sorted the garden, cleared out the shed, evicted the eight legged hairy buggers, washed the windows, washed the Rover or done the other jobs that need doing.

Seems I am having a lot of Senior Moments

Researchers have found that the reason that older people sometimes become confused is that they find it difficult to switch back their brain after a distraction.

That means by the time they resume their original pattern of thinking, it could have gone from their heads.

The study, by the University of California, involved 40 volunteers, half of which were around 70 years old and the other half around 25 years old.

They were brain scanned as they were asked to memorise a picture of nature on a screen for 14 seconds.

The brain scans showed that activity in the brain switched during the distracting facial image in both volunteers – but it happened much more slowly in the elderly.

At random intervals a face was flashed up on the screen.

Each was then asked to describe the face and then recall the scene from nature.

They also had more problems recalling the original natural scene.

The researchers believe the slow switching affects short-term, or "working," memory – the capacity to hold and manipulate information in the mind for a period of time.

At least I have some sort of excuse…now, what was I saying…….

Apparently the European Union Money Pit has given Piss Poor Policies Dave C an ultimatum.

European judges yesterday gave PPP Dave six months to give prisoners the vote after snubbing the views of the UK parliament.

The Coalition lost its final appeal against a ruling that some inmates should be allowed to vote because of their human rights.

The rejection, from the Grand Chamber of the European Court of Human Rights, came despite a vote in parliament that overwhelmingly opposed giving prisoners a vote.

It means the Government now has until September to act or face a flood of compensation claims, which it will almost certainly lose.

At least 4,000 compensation claims from prisoners here are currently lodged with the European Court but have been stayed while the Grand Chamber ruled on the appeal.

If the Government fails to act they are likely to be re-enacted and could pave the way for thousands more.

In November two UK prisoners were awarded 5,000 euro (£4,350) in costs and expenses for their loss of voting rights.

I really don’t give a shit about prisoners’ rights to vote, if you commit a crime that is serious enough to warrant a prison sentence then you lose the right to be part of society for the duration of your sentence and that includes selecting a representative.

What really pisses me off is the extent that the EU and in particular the “European Court of ‘Justice’ ” has infiltrated our democracy to the point that “we” can no longer make our own laws, time for the EU referendum PPP Dave.

Left a bit and up to the land of volcanic dust and non payers

A 95-year-old Icelander has left his penis to one of the world's strangest museums.

The late Pall Arason's pickled member will be the main attraction at the Phallological Museum in the tiny fishing town of Husavik.

Sigurdur Hjartarson, who runs it, said the organ will help round out his extensive collection of phalluses from whales, seals, bears and other mammals.

Several people had pledged their penises over the years - including an American, a Briton, and a German - but Mr Arason's was the first to be successfully donated, Mr Hjartarson said.

"I have just been waiting for this guy for 15 years," he said.

Highlights of the museum's collection include a 170-centimeter (67-inch) sperm whale penis preserved in formaldehyde, lampshades made from bull testicles and what the museum described as an "unusually big" penis bone from a Canadian walrus.

Dick head?

Dahn Unda

Melbourne meat packer Denis Veal says he was sacked for sucking a Strepsil on the job.

Until last week Mr Veal worked for Swift - the world's largest meat processor - at its Brooklyn plant.

Mr Veal said he was given his marching orders after being found sucking on a cough lolly outside the factory's cold storage section.

The Werribee father of two believes he was a target because he had been unable to perform his normal duties since his foot was crushed by a forklift at the factory in 2009.

Company spokesman John Berry said Mr Veal had been eating some type of food, not a lozenge, in contravention of food safety requirements and was sacked in accordance with the law after a full investigation.

Mr Berry denied Mr Veal was a target but said there had been several "performance issues" with his work.

Mr Veal said the only problem was his post-injury refusal to work in the offal room on wet, slippery floors and upstairs in the boning room.

Bah-Humbug…….what an offal story………

Still Dahn Unda

An overcooked pot of pigs' ears sparked an emergency call in Darwin yesterday.

Police broke in to a house filled with smoke in the suburb of Marrara and discovered that the pot of pigs' ears had been left on the stove.

Emergency Services had received reports the house was on fire.

Northern Watch Commander Daniel Sheen says no-one was at home when police arrived.

"The owner came home when the police were there,'' he said.

"She was embarrassed to say that she had gone out and left her pigs' ears on the stove.

"If you're going to cook, don't leave home."

The house was not seriously damaged.

Police said they were unaware of what recipe the pigs' ears were intended for.

Darwin Numpty?

And finally:

The Torygraph has solved happiness-allegedly

Action for Happiness, a mass movement to improve people's wellbeing, claims there are 10 key steps to achieving contentment in life.

1. GIVING
Do things for others - volunteer to work for a charity in your spare time
2. RELATING
Connect with people - get in touch with friends with whom you have lost contact
3. EXERCISING
Take care of your body - go for a run.
4. APPRECIATING
Notice the world around - take time to appreciate wildlife in your area.
5. TRYING OUT
Keep learning new things - learn a new language.
6. DIRECTION
Have goals to look forward to - make resolutions and stick to them.
7. RESILIENCE
Find ways to bounce back - learn from defeats to do things better in the future.
8. EMOTION
Take a positive approach - focus on the happy moments of your life rather than the sad.
9. ACCEPTANCE
Be comfortable with who you are - do not dwell on your flaws.
10. MEANING
Be part of something bigger - join a society or club.

Patronising load of old bollocks.

That’s it: I’m orf to –plant a Bee road

And today’s thought:  "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." - Dick Cavett.

Angus