Show George the money: Ostrich boomers: Big balloon: Big bog: Nailed dahn in Bulgaria: and Diet glasses.

The usual at the Castle this morn-damp, drear and dodgy, I see that the jubbly thing is finally orf the TV-almost and the world can breathe a sigh of relief.

During lulls in the skywater I popped out to the garden and snapped some more roses that have bloomed, and then retired to the nice warm study.

 

And the interweb thingy is behaving rather badly this non-bank holiday Wednesday.

 Shit for brains Son of a B......aronet and alien reptile in disguise

George (the pills aren’t working at all) Osborne has come up with yet another Piss Poor idea, apparently he wants to use Britain's army of small savers to boost the country's growth prospects.

Knob head has told Treasury officials to find ways to persuade savers to transfer billions of pounds held in bank accounts, building societies and investment funds to new government "growth bonds".

The money would be invested in infrastructure projects such as toll roads, green energy and house building.

Projects that could benefit from the idea include extending London Underground's Northern line to Battersea, a new Thames crossing, toll roads alongside some of the busiest sections of motorway, and significant investment in housing stock. Ministers’ point out that contraction in the building trade led to the double-dip recession.

Oh no it fucking didn’t, it was the lack of money in people’s pockets because of the exorbitant VAT rates, tax on go juice, rising food Leccy and gas prices, spiralling unemployment, wage freezes and the total inability of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition to realise that the less we have in our pockets the less we will spend.

A bunch of inept, inexperienced, in the money wankers....

Meanwhile, according to “experts”

People in their 60s are “burying their heads in the sand” when it comes to their health, doctors warn.

Allegedly the “sorry to bother you doctor” culture means many are risking their health, found the study, published to coincide with the Diamond Jubilee.

The Department of Health poll found a third of those in their 60s put off going to see their GP in the hope that a problem would just go away.

Almost two-thirds (62 per cent) thought health problems were “inevitable” in one’s 60s - an attitude that was particularly prevalent among men, with 71 per cent thinking so.

One in 10 said they would rather not know if a problem was serious - even though doctors have much more success if they diagnose life-threatening conditions like heart disease and cancer early.

Ministers are now working on a new initiative for Change4Life, its healthy lifestyle campaign, aimed specifically at older people.

Or is it that it takes about a week to get an appointment with your GP, and when you finally get to see him/her all they do is nag you about smoking, drinking and becoming a vegetarian because the PPPMCC insists?

Left to the home of the gasbag and the land of surveillance

 The U.S. Army is expected to test launch a new-generation surveillance blimp designed to float above warzones, intercepting communications and monitoring people on the ground below.

Up to three so-called “Long Endurance Multi-Intelligence Vehicles” were commissioned by the Army in 2010 as part of a $517 million deal cut with defence and aerospace manufacturer Northrop Grumman. The 300-foot-long, unmanned, helium-filled airship, Grumman claims, will “shape the future” of the military’s intelligence-gathering capabilities—adding a new dimension to its existing fleet of surveillance aircraft by providing a “persistent unblinking stare” from the sky.

A prototype LEMV is set to take off sometime between June 6 and 10 from New Jersey's Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst before heading to Florida to be fitted with “a custom-designed gondola containing the blimp’s cameras and radios,” according to Wired. If the trial run on domestic soil is successful, it is thought the airships will then be sent to Afghanistan.

Wonderful; $517 million on something that could be brought dahn with a bow and arrow, a crossbow, a rifle or a missile because the bleedin thing only travels at the speed of a three legged tortoise...

East to the land that allegedly doesn’t glow anymore

Someone with radiation poisoning is building the biggest public restroom in the world, set on a plot of land measuring 200 square meters, and costing US$125,000.

They say that a 6.5-foot wall will shield women from prying eyes and that there is also a curtain they can use to further protect themselves while in the glass-encased toilet.

Surrounded by flowers and plants, the flowery fresh scent will be all that remains after you have used the toilet.

According to an official from the Tourism Promotion Department in Ichihara City, the extravagant toilet enclosure and its picturesque surroundings were created as a tourist attraction at next year’s Ichihara City Art Festival, a government-led initiative to “help improve the area through the renovation of public facilities with the help of arts.” 

Rubbery; we chaps however will be banned as it is for “ladies” only.

Left a fair way and up more than a whimsy

According to Bozhidar Dimitrov, head of the National History Museum in the Bulgarian capital Sofia, two skeletons from the Middle Ages have been discovered near the Black Sea town of Sozopol.

"These two skeletons stabbed with rods illustrate a practice which was common in some Bulgarian villages up until the first decade of the 20th century," said Mr Dimitrov.

Widespread superstition led to iron rods being hammered through the chest bones and hearts of those who did evil during their lifetimes for fear they would return after death to feast on the blood of the living.

In 2004, archaeologist Petar Balabanov unearthed six nailed-down skeletons at a site near the eastern town of Debelt.

He said the pagan rite also was practised in neighbouring Serbia and other Balkan countries.

People believed the rod would pin them down to prevent them from leaving their graves at midnight and terrorising people as they slept, the historian explained.

 

Unfortunately it didn’t work because they all moved to Blighty and now call themselves the ‘Coalition’.

And finally:

Back over to the land where radiation isn’t affecting people at all

Goggles that trick the wearer into thinking the plain snack in their hand is a chocolate cookie, or make biscuits appear larger have been unveiled in Japan, offering hope to weak-willed dieters everywhere.

Researchers at the University of Tokyo have developed devices that use computer wizardry and augmented reality to fool the senses and make users feel more satisfied with smaller -- or less appealing -- treats.

On one device goggle-mounted cameras send images to a computer, which magnifies the apparent size of the cookie in the image it displays to the wearer while keeping his hand the same size, making the snack appear larger than it actually is.

In experiments, volunteers consumed nearly 10 percent less when the biscuits they were eating appeared 50 percent bigger.

They ate 15 percent more when cookies were manipulated to look two-thirds of their real size.

Users can set the device to their favourite taste so they think they are eating a chocolate or strawberry-flavoured cookie.

Hirose says experiments so far have shown 80 percent of subjects are fooled.

The team has no plans as yet to commercialise their invention, but would like to investigate whether people wanting to lose weight can use the device.

Err no.......

That’s it: I’m orf to get some willow glass

And today’s thought:

Olympic ostrich

Angus

‘Worrying times’: Lansley does a half U-turn: Easter’s orf: Fast jobs: Life’s a beach: and a second hand TV.

Cold, wet and windy at the Castle this morn, the kitchen is empty of any sort of electronic adding machines and I didn’t cut the grass or wash the Rover, it’s a hard life.

I received my Local Elections and Referendum leaflet through the portcullis yesterday which I started to read but by page three I gave up after seeing “You show your choice by putting a cross (X) in the “Yes” or “No” box on your ballot paper”

Sorted…

East to the glowing island

Engineers struggling to stem radiation leaks at Fukushima Daiichi nuclear plant have dumped 11,500 tonnes of radioactive water into the sea in their ongoing battle to restore control over its crippled reactors.

The low-level radioactive water was released into the Pacific Ocean on Monday to create space for more highly contaminated water.

"We have no choice but to safely release water tainted with radioactive materials into the ocean as a safety measure," said Yukio Edano, Japan's chief cabinet secretary.

Engineers were also planning to build a giant silk curtain in the ocean to contain contamination, the latest in a string of increasingly desperate measures.

Powdered bath salts were also being used to turn the water a milky white in order to help trace the source of radiation leaks.

That’s the last tin of Pacific Tuna I will buy.

Over in Gadaffi land

Silly Billy Hague has told Parliament that the UK is not involved in arming Libyan rebels but that non-lethal military equipment such as telecommunications infrastructure to Libya’s interim transitional council may be provided to support them.

Yeah right……

And still in our green and tottering land

The UK faces a fragile economic recovery, with a worrying overall picture, a survey has suggested.

The latest quarterly survey from the British Chambers of Commerce (BCC) said firms faced cash flow constraints.

The survey suggested that in the first quarter the economy returned to growth.

But the BCC said "the upturn in Q1 is likely to have been only slightly larger than the decline of 0.5% seen in Q4 2010", when the severe weather caused disruptions.

That would mean output levels were only "marginally higher" than they were before the weather took its toll, the BCC said.

No……really?

National Hesitate Service

As usual the Piss Poor Policies Coalition has decided to “delay” their latest attack on the NHS, Andrew Lansley, the Health Secretary, has announced that the Government's controversial plans to reform the NHS are to be delayed to allow more time for consultation.

Mr Lansley told MPs there were ''genuine concerns'' with the proposals, which would see primary care trusts abolished and GPs handed responsibility for commissioning health services.

And went on-"We want to continue to listen to, engage with and learn from experts, patients and frontline staff within the NHS and beyond and to respond accordingly.

"I can therefore tell the House that we propose to take the opportunity to take a natural break in the passage of the Bill - to pause, to listen and to engage with all those who want the NHS to succeed and to subsequently bring forward amendments to improve the plans further in the normal way."

Shouldn’t ‘listening, engaging, and learning’ be considered before the bill is rushed through, not during?

Dahn Unda

A School ditched the word Easter from its Easter Hat Parade to try to teach students about religious "tolerance".

Bondi Public School principal Michael Jones wrote to parents about the decision, saying Easter was just one of many religious celebrations at this time of year.

"As we are an inclusive community which celebrates our diverse range of cultures and beliefs, I have not called it an Easter Hat parade," Mr Jones wrote in the school's latest newsletter.

"Many religious celebrations occur at this time of year but we want to include all students in any celebration at school. Teachers will talk to students about the different celebrations and the emphasis will be on tolerance and understanding."

However the ruling on Friday's fundraising event was overturned yesterday, after parents from the school in Sydney's east expressed anger.

Christians 1, all the rest 0.

Over the glowing Pacific to the land of the burger and the home of the drive through

McDonald's unwrapped Monday a Big Mac-sized hiring event, saying it hopes to add up to 50,000 employees in the United States in a single day this month.

The McJobs blitz will be April 19, when nearly 14,000 restaurants will seek new crew and managers for both full- and part-time positions, the fast-food giant said.

"Our national hiring event is an opportunity to invite more people across the country to join our team, and learn that a McJob is one with career growth and endless possibilities," said Jan Fields, president of McDonald's USA, in a statement.

The company noted that Fields began her career in an entry-level restaurant position.

Stressing the chance for employees to move up the corporate ladder, McDonald's said that more than 50 percent of its franchise owners and 75 percent of restaurant managers started as crew.

McDonald's USA serves more than 26 million customers a day. Nearly 90 percent of McDonald's 14,000 US restaurants are independently owned and operated by local business men and women.

The Illinois-based company has more than 32,000 restaurants in 117 countries, and a global workforce of 1.7 million.

Mmmmm…tasty.

Across to the land of-whatever.

A Swedish lifestyle magazine is looking to hire a 'beach tester' to check out seaside resorts around the world.

Duties will include receiving full-body massages, drinking wine at local taverns, and reading books on the beach.

Women's lifestyle magazine Amelia posted the advertisement with the Swedish National Public Employment Service.

Candidates will be expected to spend four weeks testing beaches in four different locations around the globe.

"Included in the job assignment is going on outings, lying on beach chairs, drinking wine in local taverns, and other ordinary assignments found in a commercial beach and tourist environment," reads the ad.

"In certain areas, receiving a full-body massage, testing drinks, snorkelling, and book reading may be required."

Candidates must be able to swim, be willing to work late nights, as well as "have the capacity to rest/do nothing for long periods of time".

"The response has been huge," said Amelia's editor-in-chief, Asa Lundegard. "The announcement went up a few hours ago and we've already received hundreds of applications."

The successful candidate will be invited to travel to four different destinations - Corsica, Cape Town, and two locations in Asia - and will be expected to blog about their experiences.

My application is already on its way.

And finally:

In these days of austerity

Britain's oldest working television set, which was manufactured by Marconi in 1936, is expected to sell for more than £5,000 at auction.

The machine was bought for almost £100 three weeks after television transmissions began. But Mr GB Davis of Dulwich, south–east London would have only been able to able to watch it for a few hours.

The nearby Crystal Palace and its transmitter burned down three days after Mr Davis bought the Marconi type–702 set on November 26. The area could not receive pictures again until 1946.

The 75-year-old set comes with a 12-inch screen and is contained in a walnut and mahogany case with the picture being reflected onto a mirror that opens from the top.

Think I’ll stick to my LCD…….

That’s it: I’m orf to send a letter to my ISP.

And today’s thought: Dogs think they're human. Cats think they're gods.

Angus

Universal pension: April fool: An apple a day: Golden Numptys: Nice Baps: and Sitting on a rich deposit.

Just a short-ish one this warm, damp morn, went to the dentist on Wednesday, had a tooth pulled (big one at the back of the top jaw), there was a lot of nasty stuff beneath it and I swallowed most of the content.

Spent the rest of Wednesday and yesterday stoned out on industrial strength antibiotics and painkillers, have just woken up and before the drugs kick in again here we go.

Apologies for not visiting or replying to comments too knackered to care……

Over in the land of glowing seas, earth and air

Hundreds of people evacuated from towns and villages close to the stricken Fukushima nuclear plant are being turned away by medical institutions and emergency shelters as fears of radioactive contagion catch on.

Hospitals and temporary refuges are demanding that evacuees provide them with certificates confirming that they have not been exposed to radiation before they are admitted.

Nice to see they are “all in it together”.

And in Gadaffi land

Piss Poor Policies Dave C has told the House of Commons that Britain has not ruled out providing arms to rebels in Libya, but has not yet taken the decision to do so,

PPP Dave was asked at Prime Minister's Questions in the Commons whether Britain was considering supplying arms to the rebels, Mr Cameron said that United Nations resolutions ''would not necessarily rule out the provision of assistance to those protecting civilians in certain circumstances''.

Here we go again…..

There may be a bit of good news for those approaching old fartship

Allegedly plans to reform the state pension will be unveiled next week - with a new flat-rate scheme to start in 2015 or 2016, the BBC understands.

The flat-rate pension could be worth at least £155 for new pensioners.

Detailed plans are expected to be published next week, outlining how the system would be introduced.

I won’t hold my breath.

And today’s April Fool item

Labour party members have been urged to celebrate the forthcoming wedding of Ed Miliband and Justine Thornton with street parties, trifles and bunting, according to a secret memo seen by The Daily Telegraph.

The email, which was sent to various Labour councillors, asks party members to mark in their diaries May 27th as a "red letter day", which should be enthusiastically celebrated.

The email sent from Flora Lopi, a Labour Party official, who is understood to be one of Mr Miliband's closest advisers, said: "As you will now all be aware, Britain will be celebrating an event even more important than the Royal wedding in London on April 29, namely, the civil ceremony uniting Ed and Justine, on May 27.

I don’t think I will be joining in.

Across the big salty thing to the left

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A U.S. trucker was saved from choking to death on an apple by slamming into a median.

Richard Paylor, 55, blacked out and smashed his tractor-trailer into a concrete barrier in Reading, Penn., on Tuesday as he choked on a piece of fruit, police said.

The impact is believed to have dislodged the apple chunk from his throat.

"I guess I have to thank the wall," Paylor told the Reading Eagle.

Police recovered a chunk of apple on the dashboard.

Paylor, a 23-year truck-driving veteran, was taken to hospital with minor injuries

He should have done the lottery….

East a lot and a lot more

Store bosses created a gold-plated car to promote a new sales gimmick - and it was towed away by police.

The motor had been parked on the street to stop shoppers in Nanjing, Jiangsu province, eastern China, in their tracks.

But sharp-eyed police towed the gold vehicle away when they spotted it had been parked on a public road without a licence plate or road tax.

"The owners have 10 days to pay their fine. If they don't it will be sold or crushed," said a police spokesman.

Police were called when angry motorists complained that the streets around the store were blocked by cars and pedestrians trying to get close to the car.

"I just wanted to get close to touch all that gold," said one shopper.

"They were causing a public nuisance and had no permission for a public show. Then when an officer noticed the car was unlicensed, it had to go," added the police spokesman.

Gold plated Numptys.

Back in Blighty

Residents in a historic Bedfordshire village are up in arms about Nice Baps, a new bakery opened last week by John O'Toole.

A petition and letter of complaint about the 'trashy' establishment were given to dad of three John by Henlow's miffed locals.

'I tried to explain to them that I do small Baps and big Baps and they're nice and firm,' quipped the 42-year-old.

'Since I came to Henlow I think 90 per cent of the people think the shops great on the whole.'

According to John, it was his wife who came up with the name for the outlet: 'I've got another shop in Caddington called the same and I've had no complaints there.'

The aforementioned letter, written by a teacher from a local school, voiced her worry about the 'effect' the name Nice Baps could have on impressionable youngsters.

What a load of old doughnuts…I can’t see what the problem is……

And finally:

Dahn Unda

A geologist sitting on a bush toilet in a remote part of the Northern Territory has discovered a potentially lucrative mineral deposit.

Rum Jungle Resources chief executive David Muller said the company was already looking for phosphate on a site near Barrow Creek, north of Alice Springs, but it was not expecting to find anything of value where it had set up its camp toilet.

"One observant geologist was sitting on it one day and kicking the rocks around and he suddenly identified some nodules and he thought, 'Oh we better assay this'," he said.

"And they put the hand-held spectrometer over it and sure enough it was full of phosphate, which is what we were looking for - and we thought we were on sterile ground."

Mr Muller said the discovery of phosphate under the toilet encouraged the company about the size of the phosphate deposit.

Mind you all the hard brown “rocks” did confuse him a bit….

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at gravity.

And today’s thought: If you have to choose between two evils . . . pick the one you've never tried before.

Angus

Shrinking growth: Up the “Big Society”: Shark bait: Wal-Mart strangler: Canine crims: and spot the fish.

Cold-ish and damp-ish at the Castle this morn, the kitchen is filling up nicely with ex computers, the butler is down in the dungeon filling up the furnace with fat teenagers and the dock has been built to accommodate the Ark Royal on the moat.

Orf to the dentist at nine this am, think I have an abscess under a molar at the back, not looking forward to the appointment, I keep asking him to pull them all out and give me a plastic set but it seems there is more profit in “repairing” them, and more pain…

Over on the island of glowing radioactive stuff

Japan's prime minister has declared a state of "maximum alert" over the country's nuclear disaster after highly toxic plutonium was found to have leaked into the soil from the plant.

Mr Kan's comments came after the Tokyo Electric Power Company (Tepco), the operators of the Fukushima plant, confirmed that plutonium had been detected for the first time in two out of five soil samples.

"Plutonium is a substance that's emitted when the temperature is high, and it's also heavy and so does not leak out easily," said Hidehiko Nishiyama, deputy director of Japan's Nuclear and Industrial Safety Agency.

Tepco said the levels of plutonium were not harmful to human health, but experts said the discovery raised concerns that the reactor's containment mechanism had been breached.

No shit……another load of Pillocks who couldn’t organise a piss up in a saké factory.

And across to Gaddafi land

Apparently “intelligence” officials have identified "flickers" of al-Qaeda among the Libyan rebels seeking to overthrow the regime of Colonel Muammar Gaddafi.

Not even a flicker of surprise about that.

Back in Blighty

The UK economy shrank by less than previously thought in the last three months of 2010, revised figures show.

Gross domestic product (GDP) slipped by 0.5% in the period, according to fresh data from the Office for National Statistics (ONS).

A previous revision by the ONS said GDP had fallen 0.6% in the quarter.

Separate ONS figures showed a worsening in the UK's trade balance with the rest of the world, with a deficit of almost £27bn in the final quarter of 2010.

The figure was the biggest since the second quarter of 2009. The £10.5bn deficit in physical goods was the largest since records began in 1955.

The latest GDP figures from the ONS said that output from production industries, which include manufacturing and mining, had been higher than previously estimated.

Its initial estimate for the quarter suggested that the economy had contracted by 0.5% - with heavy snow blamed for the slump.

Good news at last……….

Piss Poor Policies Dave C’s “Big Society”-isn’t

Most people in Britain are unwilling to get involved in their community despite wanting to engage more with local issues, research suggests.

Only one in ten definitely intended to do voluntary work in the next two years, Hansard Society's post-general election poll of 1,200 people found.

While interest in politics was up, civic participation levels - key to the PM's Big Society - were not, it said.

It said the Big Society must avoid "political associations" to succeed.

David Cameron has described his flagship idea, which seeks to mobilise community-led initiatives in a range of areas, as his "mission" amid criticism that it is too vague and merely an attempt to paper over damaging cuts in public services.

The Hansard Society's findings come from its annual Audit of Political Engagement, for which nearly 1,200 people in England, Scotland and Wales were interviewed.

While 69% of people said they were interested in how things worked in their local area and 51% felt getting involved could make a difference, only one in 10 said they were certain to do so in the next two years.

Maybe because we are all too busy trying to survive the tax increases and the public service cuts, no carrots just a big stick.

Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico

Jason Kresse, 29, of Freeport, and two crew members had been fishing for red snapper about 50 miles into the Gulf of Mexico and were dumping fish guts into the water about 3:45 a.m. Monday when they heard two big splashes in the distance.

"All of a sudden something hit the side of the boat," Kresse told The Associated Press on Tuesday. "He ends up landing on the back of the boat."

The Mako shark had apparently been in a rush to feed. It began thrashing around, and Kresse said he and his crew couldn't get close to the 375-pound fish to toss it back in the water. It damaged the boat before dying several hours later.

The crew didn't have a permit to catch sharks, so Kresse contacted federal fisheries officials on shore to get one. Mike Cox, a spokesman with the Texas Parks and Wildlife Department, said there's no violation because the shark's death was an accident.

The shark is on display at a seafood business in Freeport, about 55 miles south of Houston.

I’ve seen “Jaws” and I may be a bit dim but doesn’t dumping chum in the water tend to attract Sharks?

Still in the land of the chewed and the home of the chummer

Police say a pregnant woman and her mother were arrested after the older woman choked a 71-year-old Wal-mart greeter while leaving the store in Elyria Ohio.

Elyria police say 49-year-old Toni Duncan, of Elyria, was asked to show a receipt Saturday and responded by pushing a cart into the greeter, grabbing his throat and choking him. She was charged with assault.

Her daughter, 21-year-old Ashley Jackson, of Elyria, was charged with aggravated menacing and inducing panic. The (Lorain) Morning Journal reports that she's accused of saying she would blow up the store and that the greeter would be dead when her boyfriend learned of the incident.

Nice…..

Back in buggered Blighty

New research commissioned by food manufacturer Bakers Complete found that nearly a quarter of the UK's dog population, representing around two million animals, are no more than thieves.

The canny canines most frequently steal underwear from their owners - 74 per cent of pet lovers reported that their dog had nicked their knickers.

However, around 11 per cent of the nation's pooches have more expensive tastes, regularly pilfering high-value items, such as cash and jewellery.

While the research shows that dogs are competent thieves, frequently stealing items outside of the house, their owners are not much better.

As many as 41 per cent of dog owners keep their pet's loot when they find it, rather than return it to its rightful owner.

Animal behaviourist professor Peter Neville believes that dogs are not natural pilferers, so much depends on the values instilled in the canine and how easy it is for them to get hold of items.

He goes on to say that stealing is often the action of a bored dog looking for entertainment.

So that’s what “dogging” means…..

And finally:

Find the fish

Click on the link above and spend a while spotting the fish.

That’s it: I’m orf to test some Monkeys.

And today’s thought: I maybe a lonely schizophrenic . . . but at least I have each other

Angus

Rectangular Bananas: Harry goes north: Bridge under troubled water: Ark Royal-make your bid: Willie-or won’t he: and Flushed with success.

Some sort of weather at the Castle this morn, too dark to see because we are now in “British Summer Time” which means that it doesn’t get light till later in the am.

Went to Cobham yesterday pm to have a look at my very rich git of a mate’s DB5 which was only running on five out of the six cylinders-duff plug on number four, but I did get very rich git of a mate to hold onto the plug cap while I turned it over and watched as several thousand volts dc shot up his arm and made him jump four feet in the air-joy.

Over in the land of the mushroom shaped radioactive clouds

Nuclear officials in Japan caused confusion and worry on Sunday by admitting that radiation readings at the stricken Fukushima power plant were inaccurate.

Initially, levels of radiation in the water at the plant were said to be 10 million times above normal. But officials later retracted that calculation and said the level was 100,000 times normal. The embarrassing admission is the latest in a series of missteps that has undermined the credibility of authorities’ attempts to deal with the plant.

Only 100,000 times normal-oh well that’s alright then…….

And in Gadaffi land

According to the Daily Torygraph the RAF risks running short of pilots for operations over Libya as cuts to the defence budget threaten to undermine front-line operations,

Since the conflict began, a squadron of 18 RAF Typhoon pilots has enforced the Libya no-fly zone from an air base in southern Italy. However, a shortage of qualified fighter pilots means the RAF may not have enough to replace all of them when the squadron has to rotate in a few weeks.

The situation is so serious that the RAF has halted the teaching of trainee Typhoon pilots so instructors can be drafted on to the front line, according to air force sources. The handful of pilots used for air shows will also be withdrawn from displays this summer.

Piss Poor Policies Dave C strikes again………

Back in bollixed up Blighty

The UK has rejected proposals from the EU which call for a ban on petrol and diesel cars from city centres by 2050.

The European Commission said phasing out "conventionally fuelled" cars from urban areas would cut reliance on oil and help cut carbon emissions by 60%.

But UK Transport Minister Norman Baker said it should not be "involved" in individual cities' transport choices.

"We will not be banning cars from city centres anymore than we will be having rectangular bananas," he said.

They won’t need to; by 2050 petrol will be so expensive only MPs will be able to afford to run a car-at our expense of course.

And if you want rectangular bananas take a trip to Bolivia.

Still in our dark and cold land-sort of

Prince Harry has arrived in the Arctic to join four disabled servicemen facing a challenging 200-mile (320km) trek across the polar ice cap.

The prince, patron of the charity Walking With The Wounded, will join the men on the first five days of what is expected to be a four-week mission.

They hope to enter the record books as the first disabled team to walk unassisted to the North Pole.

The charity aims to raise £2m from the trek to help injured servicemen.

Good for him, that should clear the stag do hangover.

East a lot to the land of bad lorry drivers

An aqueduct across a highway in Guangdong province, south China, fell into the path of an oncoming bus after it was struck by a lorry.

Passengers screamed when they saw the concrete ahead but disaster was averted by the driver who brought the vehicle to a stop just feet from the fallen structure.

Typical, no aqueducts for hours then they start falling from the sky.

Back in Blighty

The Ministry of Defence (MoD) has the Ark Royal up for sale on an official used equipment website.

The Royal Navy aircraft carrier was taken out of service earlier this year as part of government budget cuts. It was decommissioned in Portsmouth earlier this month, and is up for sale on www.edisposals.com, a website run by the MoD’s Defence Equipment and Support (DE&S) arm.

Individuals and organizations interested in purchasing the former flagship of the Royal Navy — which was launched by Queen Elizabeth in 1981 — have to submit their proposals for the ship to the MoD for approval.

“We need to be assured of the viability of the person or organization...including how they intend to store, maintain and dispose of the ship before the sale can be agreed,” DE&S spokesman Tim Foreman told Reuters on Monday.

I’ll start the bidding at £1.50, I presume there is no reserve……..

Over the Ark Royal-less Atlantic

A West Texas prosecutor says that singer Willie Nelson can resolve marijuana possession charges if he agrees to plead guilty, pay a fine and sing "Blue Eyes Crying in the Rain" for the court.

County Attorney Kit Bramblett told The Associated Press Friday that he recommended those penalties to Hudspeth County's judge Becky Dean-Walker. Bramblett says the judge specifically demanded that Nelson appear in court instead of pleading by mail, a common procedure in these cases.

Bramblett says, "She wants to meet Willie."

Dean-Walker did not immediately return a call Friday.

Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana on Nov. 26 at a Border Patrol checkpoint after an agent smelled an odour coming from the vehicle and decided to search it.

Nelson's spokeswoman declined to comment.

Silly Willie.

And finally:

Squirrel in the loo

Mr Goose, 42, was in Malawi to check on aid projects backed by his company's One projects when he rescued the forlorn animal.

He was preparing for bed in his hotel room when he discovered the struggling squirrel.

He said: 'I was concerned it was going to jump out and bite me, so I put the lid back down and left it for a minute as I wasn't sure what to do.'

When he returned shortly after to take a second look he realised it was a squirrel and set about rescuing the poor critter.

His method was putting a hand towel down the toilet which allowed the squirrel to climb up.

Once out he placed it in a laundry basket, took it outside and released it.

Mr Goose said: 'It didn't seem too much the worse for wear so hopefully it's recovered from the experience and will go on to have a happy life devoid of toilet bowl experiences.'

That’ll teach him to eat all those nuts the night before…..

That’s it: I’m orf to get some apps for the Ipad2 (if I had one).

And today’s thought: An ex footballers mentality- "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again." - Terry Venables.

Angus