Whitehall org charts: What’s his name goes Catholic: Whale whisperer: Flying Deer: The million pound moggy: and Fat fish.

Cold, claggy and calm at the Castle this morn, the kitchen is half full of broken whatnots, the lawn needs mowing after all the sky water and I have had to rearrange the furniture because his majesty has discovered how to jump on the mantelpiece and knock everything orf.

I finally managed to recover 24 and a half Gbs of “lost” data, I now have the last three years blogs, all my pictures and other documents, it only took me three hours and a lot of tweaking, just the emails to do now-I hate computers.

The Guardian has decided to publish the “Whitehall list”

It is down the bottom of the page, have a read if you want to ruin your day....

Atheist what’s his name is thinking of sending his spawn to a catholic school.

Thingamy, who has spoken of his opposition to faith schools, is understood to have toured the London Oratory, the state school to which Tony Blair sent his sons.

The Oratory is one of the most sought-after schools in the country and Mr Clegg is considering sending his three sons there even though there are several secondary’s, including a Catholic one, closer to his home in Putney, south west London.  

I do like a hypocrite, except this one.

Up in the cold bit of the world

Natalia Avseenko, a Russian scientist, allegedly stripped naked and swam with two white whales in the Arctic to tame them before they were sent to an aquarium.

Her frigid tale was reported in the Daily Mail, which said she survives the dangerously cold waters through meditation and her background in yoga.

It's necessary for her to bathe au naturale, because marine biologists believe the beluga whales do not like to be touched by artificial materials, the Mail reported.

The aquatic ballet took place in the Murmansk Oblast of the White Sea off the coast of Russia, the British tabloid said.

With sub-freezing temperatures at -1.5 Celsius or 29.5 Fahrenheit, the Daily Mail claimed that Avseenko held her breath underwater for more than 10 minutes.

Yet the newspaper didn't report what she did during the icy encounter to domesticate the mammals for their future lives in captivity.  

She can come round and whisper to my Moby Dick anytime she wants to......

Left a fair tonk

A Montana resident says an energy company has identified the cause of a brief power outage as "deer with wings." Lee Bridges says she was outside with her dogs around the time the power went out when a North-western Energy truck pulled up; giving her a chance to ask the driver what caused the problem.

She says he pointed up and said, "Apparently, we've got deer with wings."

Bridges looked up and saw a dead fawn on a power line.

It's unlikely the animal had an accident while trying to make like distant-cousin Rudolph. Bridges suspects that an eagle dropped its prey and couldn't retrieve it.

The lineman who removed the carcass from the power line said he'd never seen anything like it.

The good thing is it was already cooked......

Right even more of a tonk

A cat burglar who broke into a home and stole a schoolboy's pet cat has demanded a £1 million ransom for its safe return.

Caesar is a rare Mekong Bobtail cat but its owner - 12-year-old Dawid Kisielewski - says the pet is not worth more than £500.

Caesar was nabbed last month from the youngster's home in Myslowice, Poland.

Dawid had almost given up hope after putting up posters all over town, when the family suddenly got the mysterious ransom phone call.

"He has been beside himself with worry - he loved Caesar," said mum Jolanta, 40.

The family said it had received a phone call from a man saying he had the cat and would return it safely for £1m.

Now police say they will do all they can to find the cat-napper.

"Someone who demands a ransom for the misappropriation of property belonging to another can get three years imprisonment," said police spokesman Ryszard Padua. 

Here kitty, kitty....

And finally:

 A fishy tale

British anglers have been banned from using white bread as bait because it makes fish fat, it has been claimed.

A fishery has become the first in the country to veto white bread amid fears it is unhealthy for the fish.

Instead, fishermen have been urged to cast out pieces of whole meal and granary bread into lakes.

Experts say white bread lacks the protein that brown slices contain and too much of it leaves fish bloated, lethargic and with bad guts.

Anglers tend to throw bait onto the surface of the water to attract fish like carp to their "peg" on the bank and bread is often a popular choice.

White bread has also been commonly used as a hook-bait for centuries and is even referenced in the fisherman's Bible The Compleat Angler by Izaak Walton in 1653.

But a fishery in Hampshire has become the first in the country to take the unusual step of banning it because of the poor dietary effects it has on the fish.  

Best thing since........?

That’s it: I’m orf to examine my green ring. 

And today’s thought: Die dulci fruere.

Angus

A better place? Coo that’s slow, Posh Pee, Dead drunk fish and The finger

Bit of a nip in the air today down ‘ere in ‘Ampshire, but the sun is out and the birds are having a cough, the RFBC is asleep upstairs and all is calm in the Angus castle, but of course it won’t last.

First up:

Is there life on Mars

Today we have a group of Numptys, supposedly intelligent but lacking in basic thinking skills.

Teach children to type rather than write, accept that mankind has lost the battle to halt global warming, and establish a colony on Mars for when Earth becomes uninhabitable.

These are just some of the ideas proposed by a panel of eminent scientists and intellectuals asked to come up with ways of making the world a better place.

Their suggestions paint a bleak picture of humanity's current plight on a planet cursed by environmental destruction, unequal health care and the money-orientated selfishness of the Western world.

But the thinkers including Richard Dawkins, the evolutionary biologist and prominent atheist, Margaret Atwood, the author, and Sir Richard Branson, the Virgin entrepreneur, do find grounds for hope – even if some of the proposals collected by New Scientist magazine sound a little far-fetched.

While Prof Dawkins urges everyone "think like scientists" and Atwood calls for a ban on bottom trawling – a damaging type of fishing – many of their fellow contributors are more ambitious.

"We should establish a self-supporting colony on Mars," suggests J Richard Gott, professor of astrophysical sciences as Princeton University in the US.

"That would make us a two-planet species and improve our long-term survival prospects by giving us two chances instead of one."

As one might expect, his belief in the species-saving potential of space exploration is echoed by Sir Richard, whose Virgin Galactic company plans to offer orbital flight for paying passengers.
"If we are going to survive as a civilisation we need low energy and environmental access to space on an industrial scale," he told the magazine.

Bit of a snag there Tricky Dicky, have you seen the amount of pollution rockets put out? Plus the fact that the amount of natural resources and money needed to build your “space ships” could be used to produce green technology here on doomed earth.

But they go on to say “Environmental scientists Wallace Broecker, who coined the term "global warming", and James Lovelock, who invented the Gaia theory that the planet behaves like a living organism, agree that urging consumers to reduce their carbon consumption is now not enough to save the world.

Prof Broecker urges greater research into methods of removing CO2 from the atmosphere, while Lovelock says we must begin preparing for a warmer planet. "Our best course of action is to spend at least as much effort adapting to global heating as in attempts to slow or stop it happening," he says.

Many of the experts call for swift action to improve education and health standards in the developing world.

Max Tegmark, a cosmologist at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, says that radical changes to the curriculum are necessary to prepare children for a hi-tech future: "for youngsters, learning a global language and typing should trump long division and writing cursive".

Jimmy Wales, the founder of free online encyclopedia Wikipedia, argues that the world will only become a better place when people learn to confront their own prejudices, challenging everyone to spend a month immersing themselves in books and websites opposed to their own world view.

"You may find that you were mistaken. And if it turns out that you were right, so much the better."

One of the few voices of optimism in the cacophony of doomsday warnings comes from Elon Musk, the US entrepreneur behind PayPal, the online payment system. His recipe for a better world? Look on the bright side of live, and appreciate your good fortune.


Of course he did he is a multi millionaire.

Don't stop that pigeon

Because it is faster than Telkom, South Africa’s leading internet service provider.

Local news agency SAPA reported the 11-month-old pigeon, Winston, took one hour and eight minutes to fly the 80 km (50 miles) from Unlimited IT's offices near Pietermaritzburg to the coastal city of Durban with a data card was strapped to his leg.

Including downloading, the transfer took two hours, six minutes and 57 seconds -- the time it took for only four percent of the data to be transferred using a Telkom line.

SAPA said Unlimited IT performed the stunt after becoming frustrated with slow internet transmission times.

The company has 11 call-centres around the country and regularly sends data to its other branches.

Telkom could not immediately be reached for comment.

Internet speed is expected to improve once a new 17,000 km underwater fibre optic cable linking southern and East Africa to other networks becomes operational before South Africa hosts the soccer World Cup next year.

Local service providers are currently negotiating deals for more bandwidth.

The only good thing about it is that when you download from the web it doesn't crap on your car.

Oooh that's better

Judges have reduced the rent on a posh apartment - because the tenants could hear their neighbours peeing through the thin walls.

Peter and Susana Keller have had the rent on their home in Berlin, Germany, reduced by 10%.
Noise pollution experts told the court that some noise would be expected to travel but the sound of a man urinating into the loo was "clear, distinct and plainly very irritating".

Mr Keller said after the verdict: "I am very happy with the outcome, although it will not solve the problem in itself.

"It is though some compensation after having to put up with something which has been very unpleasant for us.

"It was not just the noise itself that was a problem but the fact that you knew exactly what the source of the noise was in complete detail.

"It was terrible to listen to if you heard it just as you were sitting down to your dinner."

But doesn’t it work both ways?

I Luv you constable, have a fish

Darwin police say a man they caught drink-driving last night tried to give officers a dead fish.

Officers were called to a service station at Casuarina just after midnight and say the 44-year-old man was visibly drunk.

Duty Superintendent Rob Farmer says the man "stumbled" out of the car and tried to talk to police before producing the dead fish.

"I'm told it was a Saratoga, not a very good one either, only about 30 centimetres long apparently," he said.

"We don't know why he produced it and where he got it from. But yeah, he was intent on showing it to them."

Police say the man later recorded a blood alcohol reading of 0.235 per cent.

Superintendent Farmer says he is unsure what happened to the fish.

"As far as I know, it's still with the car now," he said.

"I don't know whether there were other people there who may have been able to take care of the fish or whether he's going to have a surprise in his vehicle when he gets back to it.

"It's not a good idea to keep dead fish in your car."

The man is due to appear in court today along with another alleged high-range drink-driver who had only just been released on bail after crashing a stolen car.

Police say the man went drinking again, stole a Ute, backed it into a parked car and later crashed it into a moving car, before ending up in a storm water drain near Darwin's CBD.

The 28-year-old has been refused bail, and police say he did not have a licence to begin with

Smashed to the gills.


And finally:

Long fingers-fast drivers

A study suggests bad driving may be programmed from birth because finger length is directly associated with exposure to the hormone testosterone in the womb.

Numerous studies have shown that a long wedding ring finger compared to the index finger in men can have a powerful effect on health and behaviour.

Research suggests it is linked with increased male aggression and risk-taking.

But it also means men are better at sports such as athletics and football, more likely to succeed in the cut-throat world of high finance and may even be more fertile than those with shorter ring fingers.

Scientists believe exposure to greater levels of testosterone in the womb affects the way the brain works later in life.

The hormone appears to promote more masculine behaviour.

But it also seems to activate growth of the wedding ring finger by stimulating testosterone receptors in bone.

In the latest study, researchers at the University of Mainz, in Germany, recruited 77 male drivers at an average age of 38.

Each volunteer had their left hand scanned to measure the difference in length between the ring and index fingers.

They then had to provide details of all driving offences within the previous five years.

Just over a third of the drivers reported having penalty points on their licences, ranging from one to 20, for offences ranging from speeding to drink driving.

The results, published in the journal Accident Analysis and Prevention, showed men with longer ring fingers were more likely to have offended.

In a report on their findings the researchers said: 'A longer ring finger than index finger was related to more traffic violations.

'Hormone exposure in the womb might increase traffic violations in later life

But don’t get too smug ladies:-

But the results do not necessarily mean women are better drivers.

Research carried out in 2005 at the University of Giessen, also in Germany, found low testosterone levels in women drivers who tend to have shorter ring fingers affected their spatial skills, such as map reading and ability to park properly.

So next time someone shows you “the finger” it just means that they are telling you how good a driver they are.

Angus

AnglishLit

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

Angus Dei politico

Fags, Goo, Fish, DIY and an orgy

The tribe is doing well: there are now a couple of goats (who will mow the lawn for me) and other livestock, I look forward to the harvest.

First up:
I know the American Government is a bit short of cash but:

Smoking makes you bankrupt

A New Hampshire man has said he swiped his debit card at a gas station to buy a pack of cigarettes and was charged over $23 quadrillion (£14 quadrillion).

Josh Muszynski checked his account online a few hours after the purchase and saw the 17-digit number – a stunning $23,148,855,308,184,500 (twenty-three quadrillion, one hundred forty-eight trillion, eight hundred fifty-five billion, three hundred eight million, one hundred eighty-four thousand, five hundred dollars).

Mr Muszynski told WMUR-TV that he spent two hours on the phone with Bank of America trying to sort out the string of numbers – and the $15 overdraft fee.

Now that is a credit limit.

God’s Sneeze

Something big and strange is floating on the Chukchi Sea between Wainwright and Barrow.

Hunters from Wainwright first started noticing the stuff sometime probably early last week. It's thick and dark and "gooey" and is drifting for miles in the cold Arctic waters, according to Gordon Brower with the North Slope Borough's Planning and Community Services Department.

Brower and other borough officials, joined by the U.S. Coast Guard, flew out to Wainwright to investigate. The agencies found "globs" of the stuff floating miles offshore Friday and collected samples for testing.

Later, Brower said, the North Slope team in a borough helicopter spotted a long strand of the stuff and followed it for about 15 miles, shooting video from the air.

Nobody knows for sure what the gunk is, but Petty Officer 1st Class Terry Hasenauer says the Coast Guard is sure what it is not.

"It's certainly biological," Hasenauer said. "It's definitely not an oil product of any kind. It has no characteristics of oil, or a hazardous substance, for that matter.

"It's definitely, by the smell and the makeup of it, it's some sort of naturally occurring organic or otherwise marine organism."

Meanwhile, the brownish-blackish gunk is drifting along the coast to the northeast, Brower said.

"This stuff is moving with the current," he said. "It's now on beyond Barrow and probably going north at this point. And people are still encountering it out here off Barrow."



As the sub title suggests, I think God has sneezed because he has swine flu.

How many Chips would you need?

Schoolgirl angler Jessica Wanstall netted a record when she hooked this monster fish that was more than twice her size.

The plucky youngster spent 20 minutes fighting the beast and needed a helping hand from dad Mark to heave it out of the water.

Jessica was nearly dragged into the water when the catfish weighing nearly 200lbs took her bait.

At nearly 9ft long and weighing 13.7 stones, the impressive specimen dwarfed 11-year-old Jessica, who stands at 4ft 10ins and weighs 5.7 stones.

She is now broken the record for the biggest freshwater fish caught by a child in Europe.

Jessica, from Sittingbourne, Kent, hooked the fish during a trip to Spain's River Ebro.

That’s what you call a big pussy (fish)

Why DIY?

A German who tried to fix his leaky air mattress blew up his apartment instead, the fire brigade in the western city of Düsseldorf said on Wednesday.

The 45-year-old man used tyre repair solvent to plug a hole in his aired and left it overnight.

But it blew up when he went to inflate it the next day.

"A spark from the electric air pump ignited it," a fire brigade spokesman said.

The blast pushed his living room wall into the building's stairwell and caused extensive damage to walls, windows and furniture.

Fire fighters evacuated the 12-apartment building and a neighbouring housing block while they checked for structural damage.

One born every minute.


And finally:

They are all at it!

The owner of a 17th Century manor house called the police after an upper-class masked ball turned into an orgy.

Halswell House in Somerset was hired for £9,000 by a group of 350 revellers who arrived a fleet of Porsches, BMWs and Aston Martins.

They were all wearing long cloaks and masks and the party continued normally until midnight - when they stripped down to leather pants, corsets and suspenders.

The guests then started kissing and a mass orgy ensued with couples having sex "everywhere".

Halswell House owner Grahame Bond, a multi-millionaire estate agent, was forced to send some of his teenage staff home because of the explicit activities.

He called the police but was told officers were powerless to intervene because it was on a private dwelling between consenting adults.

It later emerged that the party had been organised by a Dutch events company which specialises in sexy 'adults-only' parties.

Mr Bond, 45, who brought the property for £1.94 million in 2004, said the evening suddenly turned into an orgy "as if a switch had been flicked on".

He said: "The party started normally and it all seemed pretty harmless - people were drinking but everyone was very well behaved and pleasant.

"The whole group were dressed in these great costumes and it looked exactly like something out of Eyes Wide Shut.

"But then one of the organisers announced: 'The moment has come. The spell has begun' and everyone began kissing and having sex.

"The guests were all public-school types and I jokingly said to one: 'I suppose you are a High Court judge.' He replied: 'You're not far off the mark'."

The revellers arrived at Halswell House at 9pm on Saturday and partied to music provided by a DJ until the orgy began at midnight.

Well I never saw the advert (I could have watched).


Angus

Angus Dei politico

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE