Buggered up

No posts for the foreseeable future, the right elbow has locked up completely (and the left one isn't much better), awaiting appointment with the General Medic-next Monday.....

I have tried elbow grease with not a lot of success.

But here is a snap of his Maj in ambush mode on top of the kitchen cupboards to keep you amused.

Angus

Just resign Mitchell: Boost your baggy bum: Golden Spurtle: Teen Brothel Bandits: Hubble Bubble trouble: and Hit me with your rhythm stick (but not too hard).

Usual lack of warm, usual non movement of the atmosphere, usual dearth of solar stuff and unusual amounts of skywater at the Castle this morn.

Still applying coloured stuff to parts other paint pad systems cannot reach. 

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, what can I say...?

 

And his Maj has conquered Virginia...

 

 

Up in the leaning tower of Westminster

The seemingly endless saga of foul mouthed Andrew Mitchell drags on like piles on a chimpanzee, the latest instalment is that the Chief Flogger will meet with “rank and file” coppers tomorrow to “decide his fate”. 

Now:

If the psychotic cyclist had any gonads he would have done the decent thing and walked away with his golden handshake firmly clutched in his “non plebbish” hand, but it seems that like all arrogant Tory twats he is determined to hang onto the “title” and prestige of his Piss Poor ‘job’ despite being caught in flagrante delicto as it were. 

If I were daft enough to use rude words and insults to a member or two of the Peelers I would be whisked orf to the nearest nick in the back of a transit faster than you could say “fair cop guv” and fined more than a few quid for the privilege. 

But it seems that “them at the top” are immune from the same “justice” as the rest of us because “they” are obviously better than we “commoners” and are able to take liberties with liberty with impunity backed by the second highest “ruler” in backward Blighty. 

So:

A hint to all those who occasionally visit the “seat of Government” in an official capacity-you may have more money and power than us, you may have spent your formative years being beaten and buggered in posh schools, you may have the “right” contacts, but we are better people, we know what hard work really is, we know what life is really like and we know that eventually you will disappear from our lives while we continue to cough up endless amounts of dosh so that the next lot of tossers can “lord” it over we “Plebs”.

 

From the ether

 

I was sent this video in an email for “older people” on how to “improve” my saggy, wrinkly old bum.

 

They are joking.... aren’t they?

 

Norf of the border

For the first time in the history of the world yesterday an Englishman was crowned World Porridge Making Champion.

Ben Horsburgh, who was born in London but lives in Germany, took the title and the prestigious Golden Spurtle at the 190th event held in Carrbridge ­yesterday.

In a bid to soften the blow to Scots, Horsburgh, 45, said: “I’m from Scottish roots. I can trace my family back to the 1390s to the Peebles area. So I suppose today I was flying the flag for the old country.”

He went on to explain how he makes award-winning porridge in four easy stages.

“First of all you must have a good pot. It is vitally important,” he said.

“Next choose the oats that you like. Then keep stirring and add salt as you go along. Finally keep tasting and when you like it, stop.

“It is also important to be relaxed and tranquil when you are making it”.

 

Can’t afford the gas or time, can’t eat too much salt so I think I will stick to Reddybrek.

 

Right a Reich or two

Two 14-year-old boys who stole some of their mother's jewellery to pay for visits to a brothel have been charged with theft in Germany.

The youngsters sold £2,500 worth of gold and gems for just £250 to a gold dealer in their home city of Karlsruhe, say police.

They spent the proceeds on pizza, kebabs - and two visits to a brothel in the city's red light district.

Officers said the pair had been caught in a "delirium of hormones", and had got only a tenth of the value of the jewels.

"You could still see the delighted smiles on their faces while they were being interrogated," said police spokesman Ralf Minet.

"They've been told that damages will be awarded against them and they will have to pay it out of their pocket money," he added.

 

I don’t know; teenagers eh?

 

East a lot to the land of Arabia called Saudi

Smokers of the hubble-bubble water pipe have until Saturday to indulge their fondness for sweet flavoured tobacco in Jeddah's cafes as the Saudi city prepares to enforce a public ban on the habit.

A law against smoking the pipes, known in Arabic as shisha, in public places has been in place for years in some other Saudi cities, but it is only now being implemented in Jeddah, which is known as more socially liberal than the capital Riyadh.

"It's a big problem for our cafe. More than 80 percent of our customers come to smoke shisha. Now they complain as soon as they walk through the door when we say we won't have shisha," said Ghassan Mohammed Mansour, the manager of Jeddah's upscale Caffe Aroma in a phone interview.

English-language daily Saudi Gazette reported on Wednesday that more than 35 businessmen with investments in restaurants and cafes had complained to the city's chamber of commerce about the ban, demanding it protect their interests.

The pipes have been banned on health grounds, alongside other forms of smoking, with the Health Ministry campaigning for tougher measures against the habit for years.

Shisha smoking is popular in Saudi Arabia, but it is frowned upon by clerics of the austere Wahhabi school of Islam that dominates the world's top oil exporter.

 

Smokin!!!

 

And finally:

 

Back to the land of Teutons

 

A German dominatrix has been forced to pay 200 Euros (£160) to a local charity as a penance after her client, an undertaker, accused her of hurting and robbing him.

Cologne district court spokesman Dirk Esser said the plaintiff had accused the woman he hired for sex last month of holding a kitchen knife to his throat before demanding his debit card and PIN number.

The plaintiff, a 49-year-old undertaker, also said the woman had detained him against his will for five hours.

The German court decided that it was impossible to know for sure what really happened because both parties had consumed too much cocaine during their encounter.

It dropped the charges but ordered the prostitute to pay the "penance money" to a charity that supports crime victims.

The 35-year-old mother of four has been in pre-trial custody for the past five weeks, but declined to be compensated for time spent in jail, Mr Esser said.

The dominatrix denied keeping the man against his will.

 

 Maybe she should be chief Tory whip....wonder if she has a bike?

 

That’s it: I’m orf to draw an ammonia sensor.

 

And today’s thought:

Hope it's not too windy

 

Angus

Taking: Giving and taking: Whaffing calorie free choccy: Far-arri from the real thing: Photo-origami: and Monking around in Sarf Korea.

Sunny, cold and calm at the Castle this morn, I may try to mow the lawn later-if it has dried out enough and in preparation I have moved the bench to the ‘shady corner’, it looks so good I think I will leave it there.

And his Maj has managed to destroy his cat flap (in the back door not his rear exit), so I had to go dahn the town to purchase a new one, and while there popped into the “sorting office”, paid the ransom on my fence staples and came home more than a few squids lighter.

Allegedly the HMRC has done it again

Because of errors about 1.6 million people will start receiving demands within the next two weeks for an average £537 shortfall in the tax they paid last year, HM Revenue and Customs warned yesterday.

Meanwhile a further 3.5 million will be sent a rebate for the 2011-12 tax year, averaging £379.

If the figures are correct for the tax year which ended on 5 April, then Britons overpaid more than £1.3bn in tax for the year. Meanwhile, HMRC's miscalculations means it will be forced to claw back more than £849m from unsuspecting taxpayers.

Think they need a new abacus....

And according to the Irritable Bowel twins

Apparently Millions of mothers who have chosen to take time out of work will no longer be penalised once they are pensioners, Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, has announced.

However, the overhaul is expected to hit wealthier workers, as the state second pension will be scrapped.

At the moment, people who do not work for 30 years do not qualify for the full basic state pension. Under the reforms, mothers and carers will be treated as if they had worked throughout their lives, benefiting them by £2,000 a year.

Mr Duncan Smith said women would be the "major winners" in the reformed system, which will mean that everyone who works or looks after others will receive a flat-rate payment worth at least £140 a week.

The measure will be applied to women who retire from 2015, giving an average of £40 extra a week to mothers who took time out of work. Currently, they receive a reduced entitlement for each year out of employment.

Chuffin wonderful-but it won’t save the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition in a couple of years...

Left to the land of the large and the home of the candy

Biomechanical engineer David Edwards has launched AeroShot Chocolate, an inhaler which provides the taste of chocolate in breathable form.

Using a small lipstick-sized tube, consumers draw fine particles of chocolate into their mouth to experience the taste of pure chocolate "re-imagined".

Aeroshot Chocolate follows the release of caffeine product AeroShot Energy earlier this year which used the same patented delivery system to administer a dose of breathable caffeine.

The product taps into the new-age food trend of "whaffing" or inhalable eating.

Edwards says the product works because the particles are small enough to enter the mouth and too large to go beyond it.

"The chocolate melts immediately upon landing in your mouth," the Harvard University biomedical engineering professor said. "Since the particles are so small and uniformly dispersed by the air, the taste is immediate, too.

The product is available in three dark chocolate flavours: pure chocolate, mint chocolate, and cherry chocolate and is designed to accompany a coffee, curb an afternoon craving or be consumed as a guilt-free dessert after a meal.

It is being launched this week at the Sweets and Snacks Expo in Chicago, Illinois and will be
available for consumers to purchase online from June 15 for US$2.99 ($2.97) per unit.



Cheaper to buy the real thing-sod the calories...

Dahn ere in ‘Ampshire

Chris Smart, 32 couldn't afford the classic Ferrari he'd always wanted - so he spent two weeks sketching and painting one on his garage door instead.

Married Chris, who studied art at college, said: "I hated the garage door before because it was really dull.

"I saw garage covers on the internet and wanted one unique to me. I have always loved this particular car and wanted to make it a bit of fun.

"People do have to do a double-take and they smile when they realise what it is. Lots of kids have been taking photographs."

The realistic three-dimensional scene also includes Harry Potter's broom, a KFC bargain bucket and a paint pot with Chris' name on it.

But the creative garage door hides a boring, standard garage, which contains tools, a push bike and boxes of junk.

Wife Kerry, 32, added: "Painting the car on the garage door is as close as he's ever likely to get to it unless we win the lottery."

Bless....

Left again to the big rock State

Researchers have demonstrated how to make origami using light of a specific wavelength.

They call the new folding technique photo-origami, and it could potentially be used as a way to manufacture 3D structures.

The team of mechanical engineers led by Professor Martin Dunn of the University of Colorado at Boulder has published a paper on their simulations and experiments of photo-origami in a recent issue of Applied Physics Letters.

Because photo-origami only uses light and a mechanical straining force to fold materials, it could potentially serve as a simple, automated sequential folding process. In their study, the researchers experimentally demonstrate how photo-origami works using a flat, two-dimensional polymer that contains photoinitiators. First, the polymer is stretched to create a mechanical strain. Then light is applied to a specific area of the polymer, such as along a line to be folded, which causes the photoinitiators to disassociate into free radicals. The highly reactive radicals then fragment and reform polymer chains, resulting in stress relaxation in the chosen area. This redistribution of stress through the material causes a change of shape as the material strives to achieve mechanical equilibrium, folding along the chosen line.

That process results in a single fold. For each additional fold, the irradiation, and potentially straining, steps are repeated. When the steps are performed in a specific sequence, the technique can produce complex shapes. To demonstrate, the researchers fabricated a heart and a six-sided closed box.

“In principle, this could make many complex structures consisting of bends and folds in arbitrary directions and sequences,” Dunn said. “The computational simulations can be used to design myriad structures, many that we could not conceive without simulations.”

As a form of technical origami, photo-origami could enable applications far beyond origami’s original purpose as a creative art. Technical origami can be used in situations in which an object must be stored and transported and later deployed for use. This need arises, for example, for space-based solar arrays, automobile airbags, tissue engineering, shopping cartons, and photovoltaic cells that optimally capture sunlight throughout the day. Origami could also be used to fold molecules into specific shapes for the purpose of tailoring their molecular properties.

Clever; but doesn’t it take all the fun out?

And finally:

Right a lot to the bit Sarf of Kim Jong (more than) Ill’s former domain

Six leaders from South Korea's biggest Buddhist order have quit after secret video footage showed some supposedly serene monks raising hell, playing high-stakes poker, drinking and smoking.

The scandal erupted just days before Koreans observe a national holiday to celebrate the birth of Buddha, the holiest day of the religion's calendar.

The head of the Jogye order, which has some 10 million followers, or about a fifth of the population, made a public apology on Friday, vowing "self-repentance".

South Korean TV networks aired shots of monks playing poker, some smoking and drinking, after gathering at a luxury lakeside hotel in late April for a fellow monk's memorial service.

"The stakes for 13 hours of gambling were more than 1 billion won ($875,300)," Seongho, a senior monk who uses one name, told Reuters on Friday.

He said he had reported the incident to prosecutors.

But at least they didn't kill anything....

That’s it: I’m orf to search the sandpit

And today’s thought:

Just relaxing.

Angus