I’m confused: Charlie the lawmaker: Free doughnuts: Tesco go hunting: Denver bunny vandals: and Got an hour to waste?

A modicum of lack of warm, minimal skywater, minus atmospheric movement and masses of cloudy stuff at the Castle this morn, the butler is out collecting fat, carbon neutral teenagers just in case, his Maj is out hunting worms and there will be no post tomorrow-doing several things.

 

I’m very confused

Apparently Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I can’t find my arse in this dark room because the torch is broken) Osborne is thinking about giving us 300-400 squids worth of RBS (which we already own) “shares”, or phased disposal or attempts to place the shares in the market – allowing the public to invest their own money in the company but at a discount to the share price at the time.

 

Now: I am confused because “we” gave RBS £45,500,000,000 (without our knowledge) so that the employees could continue to get their nice big salaries and bonuses and we could suffer cuts in welfare, ‘Orspitals, council services and benefits,

And now “they” want to give us a pittance back because “they” don’t have a hope of putting RBS back into the private sector and recouping our money,

According to “A senior government source” (probably the cleaner at No 10):

"There is a realisation that there is no prospect of RBS's share price rising to the level at which we bailed the bank out and it's not good for the bank or the Government to hold on to our stake indefinitely. Obviously a give-away to taxpayers before the election, who after all paid for it in the first place, is very attractive."

In 2008 the Government invested £45.5bn in RBS to prevent the bank from collapsing. RBS shares closed last night at 344p, well below the 500p average at which taxpayers bought their 82 per cent stake. Last night's closing price equates to a £14bn loss.

 Which is why I am so confused because “taxpayers” didn’t buy an 82 per cent stake in the Royal Bank of wankers the piss poor millionaires club coalition did on our behalf and now they want us to take a £14 billion loss because they can’t do their sums.

 

Anyone else confused about this, or is it because they want to orfload this millstone in case Norf of the border gets its independence?

 

And staying with confusing things

Allegedly the Prince of Wales was secretly given a say over dozens of new laws, including those to ban hunting and to introduce the Government’s green deal, the Government has revealed.

A Freedom of Information request disclosed that the Prince has been consulted on an average of three laws every year over the past 11 years. In all he was consulted on 33 laws over past 11 years, far higher than previously disclosed.

Some of our laws that he was arsed about were:

The Energy Bill in September 2011, which passed into law the Government’s green deal which encourages homeowners to take out a loan to make their house more energy-efficient

The Hunting Bill in July 2003, the same month that MPs voted on a free ballot to ban hunting with dogs in the UK.

The Licensing Bill in June 2003, which was criticised for legalising 24 hour drinking after it came into force in November 2005.

The Health and Social Care Bill (July 2003)

Companies Bill (October 2006)

And the Land Registration Bill (February 2002).

 
It seems that being the heir to the Throne old nag loving Charlie is allowed under Britain’s constitution to be consulted on legislation that might affect his private interests.
 

Oh well as long as he can continue to keep his fifteen serfs, and thousands of acres of Blighty then that’s alright then.

 

Norf of the not yet free border

 

The opening of the first Krispy Kreme store in Scotland caused traffic chaos as thousands turned up for the chance of free doughnuts.

Before the store in Edinburgh had even opened its doors at 7am, more than 300 determined people had already braved the elements and formed a queue outside in the driving snow.

Staff served doughnuts to 400 sweet-toothed customers in the first hour alone of the store being opened, but bosses didn't anticipate the feverish popularity of the launch at the Hermiston Gait shopping centre - with traffic queuing on approach roads, including the M8 motorway and A720, for hours on end.

 

Why am I not surprised....

 

Dahn a bit to Warwickshire

 

My favourite retailer Tesco has been hit by another PR nightmare when a horse died after being hit by one of its delivery van drivers.

The crash happened as the supermarket remained at the centre of the horsemeat scandal after traces of horse were found in products labelled as beef.

The Tesco delivery driver hit the hunting horse while it was being exercised in the village of Little Kineton, in Warwickshire.

The exact circumstances are unclear, but the van somehow crashed into the back of the horse, breaking its leg.

The horse, named ‘Miller’, had to be put down following the accident

 

It was then put in the back of the van and taken to the nearest Tesco supermarket (only joking)-(I hope).

 

West to the home of the bunny and the land of the vandal

Bunnies have been wreaking havoc on cars parked at Denver International Airport - eating spark plug cables and other wiring.

The furry creatures have already caused thousands of dollars in damage as wildlife official’s work to solve the problem.

"I see at least dozens every morning," airport shuttle driver Michelle Anderson told KCNC-TV. "They go hide under the cars and the cars are warm."

A spokesperson from an automotive service centre said the rabbits are chewing on the insulator section of the vehicles' ignition cables, which can lead to hefty repair bills.

The station reported that wildlife workers are removing at least 100 bunnies a month while parking companies build better fences and perches for predator hawks and eagles.

Local mechanics have offered a more unorthodox solution for worried car owners.

They say coating the wires with fox urine - available at hunting shops - will deter the creatures.

 

But do not piss on the cables yourself-especially if the engine is running

 

And finally:

 

Got an hour to waste this weekend

 

Then watch the video, I lasted about thirty seconds before I lost the will to live...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to mine the moat for antibiotics

 

And today’s thought:

Oh I say-nice norks, good job there’s not a law against it

 

Angus

Dorries does the Lash: Up your executive pay: One is amused: Skiing Santa’s: and Moved to move.

A whimsy of skywater, a breath of atmospheric movement, a rise in the lack of cold and not a bleedin sign of solar stuff at the Castle this morn, just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, more than usually infested with internet robots, apparently there is something called Crimbo on the horizon.

 

Ex Dahn Unda Dorries

Has sadly come back  to blighted Blighty and is apparently going to return to the Turdyparty lash very soon.

Nadger Nadine who met with Chief Lash Sir George for a brief 15minute meeting last week reckons that she was given permission to take a holiday by the former chief whip Andrew Mitchell, although Mr Mitchell said he did not know why she need the time away from the Commons.

But allegedly senior party sources said that, while it was a matter for Sir George Young, the chief whip, she had not done enough to make amends with fellow Tory MPs.

 

Oh dear; maybe if she chewed on a few more lamb’s testicles and ostrich anus’s they will relent...or not....

 

According to The High Pay Centre think tank

The average pay of chief executives trebled over the past decade, in the face of the banking crisis, recession and public anger over bonuses.

And.......the pay of company executives has increased by an average of 12% in the last financial year.

Deborah Hargreaves, director of the High Pay Centre, said: "There has been no clear change in the boardroom culture and no recognition that these pay awards are unacceptable.

"It's wrong that Britain's bosses are taking home more and more money as their companies shrink, their employees are squeezed and jobs are being lost.

"Chief executives are hoping that their big bonus and their inflated rewards culture will escape attention now that the banking crisis has passed.

"These pay increases are damaging to the economy and to the morale of Britons struggling to make a living."

Most of the growth in top pay in recent years has been in bonuses, shares, long-term incentive plans and new "innovative" wage structures, the report said.

A Department for Business spokesman said: "We have taken firm action to reform the framework for executive pay, so that shareholders have the right tools to challenge companies when pay is excessive.

 

Yeah right: so why is Andrew Morris the CEO of Grimly Dark Orspital earning more than the Prime Monster?

 

And the old Nags hubby

 

Is famous!

A photo of Prince Charles trying his hand at DJ-ing has been voted the funniest royal picture of all time.

The snap of the heir to the throne wearing massive headphones and spinning the decks topped a poll.

 

Oh joy....

 

Left to the home of the ski slopes and the land of Crimbo

A bunch of Santa’s has hit the slopes at a Maine ski resort.

Nearly 300 skiers and snowboarders decked out in red and white were gathering at the Sunday River resort for the annual "Santa Sunday" event. Spokeswoman Darcy Morse says 292 of them pre-registered.

The 13th annual event raises money for the Bethel Rotary Club's annual holiday toy drive.

Those who participated showed up in a Santa outfit and donated $10 or more to the toy drive. Participants got to ski free for the day and receiving another lift ticket good through to Dec. 14.


I would like to point out that these are not the real Santa; he prefers to use a Stardust Antimatter Propulsion Engine to get about.

 

And finally:

 

A while ago I posted on a road built around a house in China

 

Now it seems that the defiant elderly couple who refused to leave their home, forcing planners to build a motorway around their apartment block, has admitted defeat.

The five-storey building, which stood in the middle of the highway as a symbol of resistance, has been demolished by authorities in China.

Planners in Wenling, Zhejiang province, wanted the apartment block demolished so they could build an access road to a new railway station

The house was eventually bulldozed yesterday after its owner, elderly Luo Baogen and his wife, agreed to accept 260,000 Yuan (£26,000) in compensation.

 

Less tax of course....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to drill a fracking hole in the garden

 

And today’s thought:

 

Angus

Pie in the sky: Sideboard on the tube: ‘Proportionate Justice’: Polish Pilchard: The ‘Master Bait Shop’: Pilfered Pig: and Charlie’s toast.

Dull, damp, dingy and a definite lack of height in the liquid metal gauge at the Castle this morn, apparently the brats are about to start the endless “summer” holidays-oh joy, but it will give the butler oodles of new fat, carbon neutral teenagers for the furnace as non-summer approaches.

The interweb thingy is behaving-just.

Left to the Lone Star State

As “work”  on the £3.5 bn £7bn ‘Queen Elizabeth” class harrier-less aircraft carriers staggers on Defence Secretary Phillip Hammond flew out in person to Fort Worth, Texas, for the official handover ceremony of the first ‘F35 stealth fighter’ from its US manufacturer Lockheed Martin.

According to Phil it’s "the best warplane money can buy" and at £100 million per pop is “is money well spent".

A few facts:

It is the heaviest and most expensive of the three versions of the plane, carrying a lift fan propulsion system for its "jump jet" capability, which it needs to land on the Royal Navy's new carriers.

The Harrier had a range of 300 nautical miles, for the F-35 it is 450 miles. While the Harrier could reach a speed of 650mph, the F-35 can fly much faster - more than 1,200mph.

The Harrier had no radar transparency or stealth capabilities, but the F-35 has both. Its acute angles and special coating make it difficult to detect on any enemy radar.

The US is spending around $400bn (£254bn) to buy 2,500 F-35s for the navy, air force and marine corps.

It is estimated that the total cost of buying, operating and maintaining the planes over the next 30 years will be $1tn. 

The F35 - which will be called the "Lightning II" by the RAF and Royal Navy - is still a long way off from being battle ready.

Though British pilots have already been involved in the test flying programme, they will not be flying the plane off UK bases or the two new aircraft carriers until 2018.

And it is still not clear how many planes the UK will buy.

Mr Hammond has so far committed to purchasing only 48.

The good news:

The tail section of every plane is being made by BAE Systems. Overall the UK has a 15% share of the work, enough to sustain more than 20,000 jobs.

The hope at the Ministry of Defence is that, with time, the cost of the plane will come down and the technical problems will be resolved - and that, in the end, this will not go down in history as another expensive MoD mistake.

I do like an optimist...

  

Back in the Smoke

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition sideboard is apparently up in arms after being ordered to use public transport rather than official Government cars to get to events at the London Games, The Independent has learnt.

Downing Street has banned ministers from taking cars altogether, fearing bad publicity if ministers are caught using special Olympic "ZiL" lanes (named after the limousine lanes used by Soviet leaders) while everyone else crams on to the Tube.

The Government has spent nearly £750,000 buying 8,815 Olympic tickets, including 213 for the opening ceremony, 143 for the closing ceremony and 257 athletics tickets.

Nearly £30,000 has been spent on diving tickets and a further £26,600 went on 411 beach volleyball tickets.

One Cabinet minister told The Independent: "This has caused a lot of ill-feeling and frankly some of us would rather not be going to anything at all.

"The rules are unbelievably draconian. We've basically been told we're on our own and have to look after our guests with no official support and we'll have to go by Tube as well.

Oh dear, what a shame....

Still in topsy-turvy Blighty

Allegedly criminals arrested for offences such as minor assaults, theft and fraud could escape prosecution in the biggest shake-up of charging guidelines for 20 years.

It seems that prosecutors would take no further action on suspects if they do not believe it is “proportionate” to take them to court, under proposals published yesterday.

It would mean factors such as cost and the length of a likely trial being taken into consideration when deciding whether to charge an offender.

Prosecutors would even be asked to weigh such issues against the likely punishment a criminal would get if convicted.

Prosecutors would also need to consider “effective case management” to avoid “excessively, long and complex proceedings”. That could mean individuals on the edge of a complicated fraud case not being charged so prosecutors could concentrate on the key participants in a shorter trial.

So justice is to become “proportional” to the cost of prosecution-allegedly....

Right a bit to the land with no plumbers or builders

A dopey truck driver caused caused an enormous traffic jam after he spilled 24 tons of sardines onto the road because he forget to close the back door.

Motorists along the highway near Kolobrzeg, Poland, were held up for hours while workers cleared up the huge trail of fish which had been scattered for several hundred metres along both sides of the road.

Police say the fish came from a transporter driven by trucker Jakub Carowski, 26, who had failed to shut the back doors properly.

As well as a £50 fine, the driver has to fork out a further £5,000 to pay for clearing up the road. 

An act of Cod, the scales of justice or just a pilchard?

Left to the home of the angler and the land of hook-ers

In the town of Orange a new business is not welcome, and it's not because of what they're selling, it's because of their name.

"The name is Orange County Master Bait Shop," shop owner Michael DeClue said. DeClue says he chose it to be memorable. He says whatever innuendo people want to make out of it is their business.

The topic came up at Monday night's town council meeting. The town's mayor says there isn't much they can do, and they're happy to have him. "You're not in violation of any ordinance. God bless you for being in business in the town of Orange," Mayor Chuck Mason said.

That means the self-proclaimed "home of the fattest worm in town," will stay open.

"We're the only bait shop that makes its own chicken livers. We produce our own worms. We package our own worms, and that's what we do," DeClue said. "That's why we're a master bait shop."

Time to change hands methinks....

Still in the hot, dry collection of States

Police are on the lookout for a plump pig sculpture that was pilfered from a Detroit suburb are getting closer to finding the missing swine.

The Garden City Downtown Development Authority said Thursday that those possibly responsible for taking the shiny, red sculpture known as "Willy" or "Willie" last month led them to near Mallard Lake. It's in Livingston County's Green Oak Township, about 35 miles northwest of Detroit.

The base of the sculpture was found in a field along with other fragments. Police say they believe the pig also was ditched in the area, but someone else took it away.

The $6,000-plus sculpture titled "Cochon Rouge" by artist Sophie Marie had been leased to the Downtown Development Authority for two years.

A $500 reward is being offered in the case.

Piggin tealeaves....

And finally:

Back in not so toasty Blighty

Two bidders fought it out over the telephone for the slice of white toast which is believed to have been served to Prince Charles on the morning of his wedding to Diana Spencer. It went under the hammer at Charles Hanson Auctioneers overnight.

The winning bidder paid $350 for the 30-year-old memento.

A spokeswoman for the auction house said: "The slice of toast went to a UK buyer. There were two telephone bidders fighting it out for the slice. It was exciting.

The slice of toast was sold on behalf of Rosemarie Smith, from Derby.

She took it from a tray after visiting her daughter at Buckingham Palace just hours before the royal wedding.

The 83-year-old said: "At the time my daughter was a maid at the Palace and one of her duties was to collect Prince Charles's breakfast tray from outside his room.

"I was with her in the corridor and saw that Prince Charles had left some toast on the tray. I had been thinking about a keepsake from the wedding and saw the toast and thought to myself 'Why not?"'

She kept the toast in a cup on a shelf at home until the last year wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton made her curious about its value.

Now she knows; you could almost buy a whole loaf for £222.83 ($350) dahn Tesco’s....

That’s it: I’m orf to wake up a few NEETS

And today’s thought:
 F35 test flight

Angus

Top knob: Sir Solicitor: Big Bang 2: Wooden chopper: and a Fairway to flash.

The big, warm yellow thing is out at the Castle this morn, there is a smidge of atmospheric movement and the liquid metal gauge it tottering on the coldish side.

Day three after having my Periosteal pecked, the elbow is now a nice shade of purple with yellow bits and despite the confidence of my general medic it still hurts-ho hum....

Her Maj’s eldest and dopiest orfspring

Has apparently been awarded the highest rank in all three military services by mummy, tree hugger Charlie is now a Field Marshal, Admiral of the Fleet and Marshal of the Royal Air Force.

 Let’s hope we are never invaded by Dutch Elms....

And staying on those who know the right people

A Government lawyer who controversially gave the green light for Jeremy CHunt to oversee Rupert Murdoch’s bid for control of BSky has been knighted.

Paul Jenkins, the chief executive and permanent secretary of the Treasury Solicitor’s Department since 2006, is made a knight and a member of the Order of the Bath.

A letter from Mr Jenkins was used by Prime Minister David Cameron to defend his conduct over the bid by Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation for control of satellite broadcaster BSkyB in 2010 at the Leveson inquiry this week.

Mr Jenkins had agreed Mr CHunt could rule on the deal despite not seeing a private memorandum to Mr Cameron in which Mr CHunt said he backed the Murdoch bid.

However, Mr Cameron quoted a letter from Mr Jenkins that suggested he would not have altered his advice even if he had seen the private memo.

 

Of course he did.....

Apparently we have all been here before

Professor Roger Penrose a leading Oxford University scientist claims to have evidence of stars and galaxies that existed long before the universe as we know it formed.

He reckons that cosmic radiation discovered by one of NASA's telescopes is older than the Big Bang.

The researcher shows that the cosmic radiation background (CMB) formed in concentric circles that had cooled to a temperature of -270C over the 14 billion years since the universe came into being.

Prof Penrose and his colleague Professor Vahe Gurzadyan of the Yerevan State University in Armenia claim to have 12 examples of the circles, some of which have five rings - meaning that the objects had five massive events in their history.

The scientists believe the circles are imprints of violent gravitational forces generated by black holes that existed long before the Big Bang.

The research casts doubt upon the widely-held theory that the universe has continued to expand since the Big Bang and will continue to do so until it ceases to exist.

Prof Penrose says that his research shows that all matter in the universe will eventually be consumed by black holes, leaving only energy behind which will in turn trigger the next Big Bang.

Luckily I only have one ring but Uranus has thirteen.......

Right a bit to the land where people don’t have enough to eat

Istvan Puskas, a motorcycle enthusiast from Hungary took the term “chopper” literally and has spent the last two years chopping his dream ride from black locust wood.

Instead of chromed steel, the handlebars and exhaust pipes are made from cow’s horns, and the amateur bike-maker used deer antlers as decorations.

He used the engine of a small Fiat built in Poland under license from the Italian car maker, fuelled with petrol from a small wooden barrel that serves as a gas tank.

And it works! I just hope he has treated it for woodworm…

 

Left more than a fair way to a fairway

Two Missouri women are accused of showing off more than their putting skills at a south western Illinois golf course.

Madison County Sheriff's Capt. T. Mike Dixon says investigators responded to complaints of lewd behaviour Monday at the Woodlands Golf Course in Foster Township and saw the women displaying their breasts.

Now, authorities in Madison County have charged 45-year-old Shelly Lewis and 43-year-old Alicia Binford of O'Fallon, Mo., with public indecency.

Binford and Lewis couldn't be reached for comment Tuesday. Binford's home telephone number has been disconnected. Lewis hasn't returned a message left at her home. Court records don't show if they have an attorney.

Both women are free on bond.

I never found golf that exciting…

That’s it: I’m orf to soak up some CO2 with "metal-organicframework" stuff.

And today’s thought:

Sex on the beach Olympics

Angus

They’re Back!: Charlie-over there: Team Wayne: Dizzy Ducklings: Gun ships up for grabs: Septimus Quartus: and No bumping at Butlins.

Same again at the Castle this morn, sunny, calm and cold, but “they” are threatening oodles of wet stuff from the sky along with a lot of banging and flashing on Saturday.

The kitchen is empty of anything broken or fixed, the Honda is yellow again, the Butler is still on his hols and I am looking forward to a nice quiet weekend.

And: one's inaugural post is up over on Orphans of Liberty under my nom de plume of my nom de plume, see if you can tell which one it is.

The local elections are over, apart from the endless speculation from the media about who won or lost and poor old Cleggie is it seems not a popular bunny-shame.

Up a bit to Oxfordshire

The number of speeding fines issued in Oxfordshire more than doubled in the first month since cameras were turned back on after being off for eight months.

Funding was withdrawn for 72 cameras and 89 mobile sites last August as part of budget cuts but they were reinstated on 1 April.

The numbers of drivers caught in July 2010 was 2,286, while the figure for April 2011 was 5,917.

The figures were obtained by BBC Oxford from Thames Valley Police.

They showed about 200 people a day were being caught speeding in the county since the cameras were turned back on.

Whoops…..

Left a lot

Prince Charles, who is in Washington for a three-day visit, spoke to students at Georgetown University about environmentally friendly farming.

In his speech, the Prince of Wales criticised government subsidies for large-scale agriculture and encouraged more government and business support for organic and environmentally-friendly food production.

The United States spends tens of billions of dollars a year on such subsidies.

At least he isn’t “over here” hugging trees and talking to the plants.

Back in Blighty

The “Team Wayne” Three Peaks climbers picked the wrong mountain, half got injured, and then they got lost.

They started the Three Peaks Challenge by climbing the wrong mountain – and it all went downhill from there.

They climbers scaled the Highland peak of Stob Ban instead of Ben Nevis – more than 5km (3 miles) away – after thinking it looked the same.

Their tale of woe continued when they headed south to the Lake District, where three of the six injured themselves and two more got lost taking on Scafell Pike.

Mercifully, ‘Team Wayne’ decided not to even bother with Mount Snowdon in Wales.

But they still managed to raise £10,000 for a leukaemia charity in memory of their friend Wayne Wilson, who died from the disease in January, aged just 26.

Bless, at least they did it (or didn’t do it) for the right reason.

Another You Tube snippet

A 22-second video of five ducklings transfixed by a spinning yo-yo has become one of the most shared videos on YouTube this week.

After being uploaded at the weekend, the video has already been watched almost 200,000 times and ‘liked’ over 560 times.

There is little in the way of information about the clip apart from the fact it appears to take place in a pet shop and the yo-yo is being spun by a young child.

The most fascinating aspect of the video is the reluctance of the ducklings to take their eyes of the yo-yo at any time – apparently willing to keep spinning their heads round and round until they fall off.

As they yo-yo spins faster and faster, the ducks keep their heads spinning and spinning, much to the amusement of those present.

And yes, I know it isn’t really a yo-yo…..

Right many, many miles

Cash-strapped Ukrainian military leaders are selling off their lethal fleet of helicopter gunships - on an Ebay-style website.

The deadly Russian-built Mil Mi-8 and Mi-171 attack aircraft are armed to the teeth with guided anti-tank missiles, rockets and armour-shredding chainguns.

Punters can spend up to £7.3 million for a hardly used fully loaded model with cheaper, older transport choppers going for a bargain £266,000.

"We can deliver anywhere," says the ad, posted by the Ukraine's defence ministry.

Maybe the U-Turn Coalition could pick up a few bargains.

Dahn Unda

One of the Defence Force's most infamous and mischievous mascots is being retired after almost two decades of loyal, but ill-tempered, service.

Septimus Quartus, a white Shetland pony stationed with Townsville's 1 RAR for the past 18 years, has been leading the battalion on parade and making a name for himself as a troublemaker.

He has been demoted numerous times over the years for various infringements and his tendency to bite.

Executive officer of 1 RAR, Major Simon Moore-Wilton, says Septimus Quartus was a livewire from the moment he joined up.

"It is true that Septimus Quartus has made a few infringements on a few occasions; biting and other transgressions," he said.

"He has been demoted in rank a couple of times now, but he is now a sergeant and quite proud of his three hooks.

"There is a tinge of sadness to see him go."

The pony will be retired to greener pastures during a ceremony in Townsville next week.

But the trying times may be not be over, he will be replaced with his equally bold son Septimus Quintus.

Some people never learn.

And finally:

Butlins bans Bumpers

When Sir Billy Butlin introduced bumper cars to Britain more than 80 years ago, it can be assumed he expected holiday makers to have fun on the fairground ride bumping into each other.

But what Sir Billy did not foresee was the modern culture of health and safety that has not only introduced seat belts and insisted everyone drives in the same direction, but banned bumping.

Staff at all three Butlin resorts in Bognor Regis, Minehead and Skegness are instructed to ban anyone found guilty of bumping into each other in the electric cars equipped with huge bumpers.

Bemused customers who assume that the ‘no bumping sign’ is in jest are told to drive around slowly in circles rather than crash into anyone else for fear of an injury that could result in the resort being sued.

Butlins confirmed that people are not allowed to bump the bumper cars for “health and safety reasons”.

In fact the resorts insist on calling the experience Dodgems rather than bumper cars.

What next-airbags, crash helmets and roll over cages?

That’s it: I’m orf to track a Hedgehog.

And today’s thought: What do gardeners do after they retire?

Angus