Twenty Twelve Twats (and other cupid stunts)

Many, many droplets of skywater, even more lack of warm, less atmospheric movement and still not a whatsit of solar stuff at the Castle this morn.

As Twenty Eleven plus one ignobly sinks into the mire of history it is once again time to have a look at those who have managed to make it even worse.

 

First up has to be the entire Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition who have mismanaged the economy, the NHS, the police people, benefits, immigration, tax cuts for the rich, standards of living for the rest of us, bankers, welfare and my fucking pension.

 

 

 

And especially shit for brains U-Turn Cam who reckons that Blighty is travelling in the opposite direction to the left.

 

 

I won't even feature that other bloke whatever his name is because no one really gives a an old nags vag.

 

Then there are the “Royal” leeches; in particular “Prince” Henry who got his kit orf  in a hotel room with a couple of his mates and a non-male or two with a camera phone.

 

And his sister in law the Duckess of Cambridge who showed her upper wobbly bits to someone with a long lens as she cavorted on ‘Oliday with some tall, bald bloke.

 

Not forgetting the man on the bike Andrew Mitchell who took so long to resign over the “plebgate” thingy that the “establishment” had a couple of months to decide that the un-doctored silent CCTV footage showed he was entirely innocent of anything and that the “law” was stitching him up.

And


Dopey Dorries who went Dahn Unda to the Jungle and sadly came back again

 

The “global warming” pundits who seem to think we are as stupid as they are so that the price of gas, leccy, petrol and diesel can be raised to such heights that it brings tears to your wallets.

 

And the phone hackers who used peoples lack of common sense to access their voice mail to sell newspapers (which some of us bought), and in particular Rebekah Brooks who is £10.8 million better orf for not being sacked and didn’t have a conversation with the Prime Monster and the old Aussie bloke about BSkyB at a party.

 

The Ed-Milli band by turning into a very bad copy of a Tory whist telling us that we are all “one nation” and whose nasal style of vocals has managed to get right up one’s hooter

 

 

The rest of the Royal dysfunctional family, who spent the year being entertained, fed, housed, clothed and rowed about by the rest of us as we watched while our lives disappeared dahn the imperial bog in a royal flush.

 

And finally:

 

Alien reptile in disguise and son of a......Baronet George (nobody loves me) Osborne who apart from fucking up Blighty’s fiscal stability also managed to get booed as he took advantage of his free ticket (paid for by us) to the big sporty event up in the Smoke.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to let my laptop write a tune or two

 

And this last day of 2012’s thought:

Roll on 2013.

 

 Happy New Year! 

Angus

A decade of Cupid Stunts: Liar, liar: Spider, spider: Numpty storage: Pay up Berlin: and a cow bell ban.

More of the same at the Castle this morn-wet/dry, calm/windy, cold/cold and sunny/cloudy, no progress on fettling the garden but I did manage to remove several weeks of grime from the Honda with some “no water” cleaner/polish stuff and....an hour later it rained.....

According to the Eton dorm boy

We will have the pleasure of living with ‘austerity’ until 2020, the Prime Monster reckons that the programme of spending cuts, initially planned to take five years, is now likely to last for the entire decade.

But, in a typical Tory tosspot way he said “that he still wants to cut tax but that any reductions would have to be funded by even greater public spending reductions.”

And added; “Now, that doesn’t mean that you can’t cut people’s taxes...You can do exciting and radical and Conservative things at the same time as having difficult overall spending choices.”

As well as “He does not believe that Britain should leave the EU and says he will never campaign for an “out” vote in any referendum.”

And finally; “I think the sense I get from people is, look, 'I know you’ve got to cut public spending, I know you’ve got to get the deficit down, I know you’ve got to make sure our businesses are competitive, I know you’ve got to do all these things, but I want to know that as we get out of this mess, it won’t be the same group of people that benefited in the past. There won’t be a splurge of public spending, mass immigration, wasted money on welfare, bankers paying themselves enormous salaries when they’re not delivering safe and effective banks. I want to know that in future a hard day’s work means a hard day’s pay.’”

 

Har bleedin har.....

And staying with the lying git

In a speech in March U-Turn Cam said: “We need to look at innovative approaches to the funding of our national roads – to increase investment to reduce congestion. Road tolling is one option – but we are only considering this for new, not existing. For example, we’re looking at how improvements to the A14 could be part-funded through tolling”

And one of today’s headlines-Motorists face paying tolls on an existing stretch of road in Britain for the first time under new plans.

Ministers have proposed to impose tolls for using an “enhanced” 20-mile section of the A14 in Cambridgeshire, the increasingly congested key road linking the East Anglian ports to the Midlands by freight traffic. Along with the new privately run road, two new sections will be built on either side for local traffic.

 

Make your own minds up.

Over the briny to the left

 A Brentwood, Tennessee woman says she wants out of her apartment lease because her home is infested with brown recluse spiders.

In the past couple of weeks alone spider traps around her apartment have collected about ten of the poisonous pests. The spiders have been showing up since April.

"I was leaning over my sink, and I grabbed my towel. And there was just this ginormous spider in my towel that I was about to put on my face," Artrip said.

When more kept coming, Artrip notified the management at her apartment complex, Mission Brentwood.

"I asked as soon as I found out they were poisonous spiders if I could switch apartments, and they told me, 'no, let us try to take care of it,'" Artrip says.

A pest control company told Artrip she would have to leave so they could dust the area, but that still didn't do the trick.

Nasty....

 

Still in the home of the Numpty and the land of lots of teeth

 A burglar has been arrested in the US after he got his head stuck under a garage door - for nine hours.

The man, 53, tried to hold open the roll-up door with a piece of metal during his midnight raid on a store in Brockton, Massachusetts.

But the metal slipped and the heavy door rolled down, trapping the would-be thief's head against the concrete floor, reports the local Enterprise newspaper.

He was discovered the next morning by store manager John Rodriguez who says the man told him he was trying to fix the door.

"I happened to walk in and he was there," he said. "I saw that little head sticking out."

Mr Rodriguez called the police who charged the man, after taking him to hospital to be checked for a large bruise on the back of his head.

 Plonker...

Back in what is left of Europe

The sleepy hamlet of Mittenwalde in eastern Germany could become one of the richest towns in the world if Berlin were to repay it an outstanding debt that dates back to 1562.

A certificate of debt, found in a regional archive, attests that Mittenwalde lent Berlin 400 guilders on May 28 1562, to be repaid with six percent interest per year.

According to Radio Berlin Brandenburg (RBB), the debt would amount to 11,200 guilders today, which is roughly equivalent to 112 million Euros ($136.79 million).

Adjusting for compound interest and inflation, the total debt now lies in the trillions, by RBB's estimates.

Schmidt and Mittenwalde's Mayor Uwe Pfeiffer have tried to ask Berlin for their money back. Such requests have been made every 50 years or so since 1820 but always to no avail.

 

I do hate a welcher

And finally: 

Across a smidge

Judge Erich Kundergraber ordered a farmer in the state of Styria to remove the bells after locals complained that they couldn't get any sleep because of endless clanging.

Initially the owner refused to remove the bells from his herd, arguing instead that they were an Austrian tradition and helped to calm the animals.

However, Judge Kundergraber visited the field near Stallhofen, in the foothills of the Alps and ruled in favour of the farmer's neighbours.

The cows were left free to roam the field at night but could be heard clearly throughout the village, especially as the cowbells banged and scraped against their metal feeding trough.

Despite the farmer appealing against the ruling it was decided that there was no need for the bovines to have cowbells if they were kept within an easily visible, fenced field, with the judge adding that these collars were not a traditional feature of rural Austrian residential areas and did not need protecting.

HA! I laugh at cow bells; try living next to Farnborough since it became an “airport”.

That’s it: I’m orf to bake some Graphene

And today’s thought:

UK toll road

Angus

Cupid Stunt day-How not to catch a gator: Oil be buggered: A Papple: Dog poo squad: Invisible art: and Magnum morons.

Cold, damp, drear and decidedly dodgy at the Castle this morn, the router seems to be routing again, his Maj has discovered the joy of ambush from under the side table and the Honda is covered in yellow stuff.

And great news from my God Daughter who successfully produced a healthy female child on Thursday-I do feel old....

Over the salty thing on the left to the State above sarf Carolina

An American zoologist has been attacked by a 10ft-long alligator as he tried to capture it from beside a highway.

Fred Boyce, a specialist in amphibians and reptiles at Pine Knoll Shores Aquarium in North Carolina, was lucky not to lose his arm in the attack - which was caught on camera.

The 300lb beast was spotted by a passing motorist in Stacy, a small township located on the state's eastern coast.

US reports said a call was made to the aquarium asking for advice on how to handle it and on hearing about it Mr Boyce decided to head to the scene.

Once there, he has been quoted as saying he feared the alligator would be killed, so he decided to try moving it himself.

His strategy involved placing a towel over the animal's eyes, then approaching it from the rear - seemingly in a bid to grab its giant mouth before local fire-fighters pounced.

What a Cupid Stunt...

And talking of reptilian wildlife

Allegedly U-Turn Cam will hold talks with Barack Obama and other world leaders about tapping into emergency oil reserves in an effort to drive down petrol prices.

The Prime Monster will arrive today at a G8 summit in the US promising to help families "struggling with the impact of oil prices."

The summit, at the Camp David presidential retreat, will tomorrow discuss a US call for developed economies to release oil from their strategic reserves to try to bring down world oil prices.

According to shit for brains Dave "We must work together to give the world economy the one big stimulus that would really make a difference: an expansion of trade freedoms - breaking down the barriers to world trade and getting global trade moving again,"

Oh my; an even bigger cupid stunt....or two...or eight...

Dahn Unda and right a bit

There is a new delight for those who shop at M&S, someone has crossed a pear with a pear and the result is of course-the Papple, which tastes like an apple but looks like a......apple, but is in fact a pear...

The Papple is grown in New Zealand and is a cross between European and Asian pear varieties.

 

Third Cupid Stunt of the day...

And remaining on the cupid stunt theme

Up in smoke there is something to be very afraid of-A 22-man crack team unit employed to clean up the streets of London by targeting dog walkers who fall foul of pooper scoop laws.

The anti-poo wardens have been introduced by Islington Council in north London in an attempt to catch repeated dog foul offenders.

Members of the public are also being encouraged to 'shop a dropper' through a newly set-up hotline.

Islington Council's zero tolerance approach will see the Dog Squad patrol dog foul hot spots, issuing £80 fines to irresponsible dog owners.

The undercover poo patrol, thought to be the largest dog enforcement team of its kind in Britain, started its work earlier this month.

Islington Councillor Paul Smith said: 'Residents are sick of dog mess, and we're taking strong action against irresponsible owners.

Poo crimes and updates on penalties and patrols will be also be reported by the team on Twitter with the hash tag #thedogsquad.

Two football teams worth of Cupid Stunts...

 

Still in the Smoke

London's Hayward Gallery will gather together 50 ''invisible'' works by leading figures such as Andy Warhol, Yves Klein and Yoko Ono for its display of works you cannot actually see.

Gallery bosses say the £8 a head exhibition demonstrates how art is about ''firing the imagination'', rather than simply viewing objects. 

Invisible: Art about the Unseen 1957 - 2012 opens on June 12 and includes an empty plinth, a canvas of invisible ink and an unseen labyrinth.

Also in the exhibition will be Warhol's work Invisible Sculpture - dating from 1985 - which consists of an empty plinth, and 1000 Hours of Staring which is a blank piece of paper at which artist Tom Friedman has stared at repeatedly over the space of five years, and another by the same artist Untitled (A Curse) is an empty space which has been cursed by a witch.

Also featured among the exhibits will be a series of typed instructions by Ono, encouraging viewers to conjure up an artwork in their minds.

A trio of artistic Cupid stunts...

But here is some Angus invisible art;

A landscape which I thought about painting

And

A sculpture of a naked woman which I might have sculpted if I had the inclination...and the marble...

And finally:

Up a few imperial measures to the place where Folk are Nor

An RAF rescue helicopter made an unexpected beach landing - so the crew can buy ice cream.

The crew members were spotted emerging from their aircraft on the sand at Winterton-on-Sea, Norfolk.

Worried beachgoers watched as they headed towards the shoreline and then pop into Winterton Dunes Beach Cafe.

Owner of five years Carmel Shiggins said she had never seen the helicopter land there before.

She said when people asked why they'd landed they didn't believe her.

She said: "People had been coming in asking what they were doing, was there an emergency? And I said no, they come in for an ice cream."

Owner of five years Carmel Shiggins said she had never seen the helicopter land there before.

She said when people asked why they'd landed they didn't believe her.

She said: "People had been coming in asking what they were doing, was there an emergency? And I said no, they come in for an ice cream."

Cafe assistant, Francis Ford, 18 said he asked what was up and one crew member said "We're all entitled to a tea break".

Cupid stunt award of the day....

That’s it: I’m orf to stuff some Memristors into the laptop.

And today’s thought:

A conundrum of Cupid Stunts

Angus

Home alone: U-Turn Cam and Clarkson: No coins for the meter: Nuckin Futs: Solar Numptys: and a fat cat.

Lack of low levels of liquid metal at the Castle this morn, the white crusty stuff has been replaced with damp, drizzly downpours, the study is overflowing with ornery ‘orrors and his Maj has presented me with a new stick.

The latest “idea” from the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Is to ‘encourage’ those of us who are not as young as we would like to be to move into smaller properties so that councils can rent out our homes to families.

The scheme - announced by Housing Minister Grant Shapps - is intended to ease pressure on young families at a time when many are struggling to find affordable accommodation.

Under the plans, local authorities would offer to help pensioners living in family homes to find more suitable places to live.

The councils would then take over responsibility for maintaining the property and renting it out at affordable rates, returning any profit to the elderly person or their estate.

Just remember you ignorant, arrogant tosspots-every old fart has a vote....

And U-Turn Dave

Has resolved to distance himself from the Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, after embarrassing him once again, Cameron has decided to put as much clear blue water as possible between himself and Jeremy Clarkson, whose latest jape was to involve the Prime Monster in an edition of Top Gear which resulted in a complaint to the BBC from the Indian High Commission over its lack of cultural sensitivity. “The Prime Minister has no plans to see Mr Clarkson in the foreseeable future,” one of Cameron’s most senior aides said.

Clarkson joins a growing list of individuals that the PM is now straining not to be seen with. It includes Rebekah Brooks, the disgraced former News International boss, and her one-time colleague, Andy Coulson, whom Cameron hired as his director of communications because he felt that he deserved “a second chance.”

When he last encountered Clarkson, unexpectedly, at a private gathering in Chipping Norton on New Year’s Eve, not long after he had seen the crass Indian edition of Top Gear and decided that he “did not like it,” Cameron turned on his heel.

Still U-Turning then.....

 

The Royal Mint

Has come up with a way to stop us going to town, snacking and making phone calls; millions of 5p and 10p coins could be rejected by parking meters, vending machines and payphones as the Royal Mint rolls out new-sized coins from this month.

The new coins will be slightly thicker, and customers will be left fumbling through their change to find a coin that will be accepted, since some machines will no longer take the old-style coins while others will reject the new ones.

The new coins were originally meant to be introduced last year, but were delayed because of a campaign from the vending industry. They are a cost-saving exercise for the Government, because the current coins are made of an alloy of copper and nickel, which has become more expensive. The new coins, which the Royal Mint started to produce at the beginning of January, are made of steel.

According to the Government’s own impact assessment of the introduction of the new coins, they will save the Treasury between £7m and £8m a year. However, the cost to industry and local councils of the transition will be around £80m over two years.

 

Who voted these wankers in to power? Oh yes-no one....

Dahn Unda

A snack called Nuckin Futs will go on sale after a lawyer's successful argument that the word "f..." is a normal part of Australian speech and so cannot be deemed offensive under trademark rules.

The trademark application for "Nuckin Futs" was at first rejected by the register as being scandalous and offensive due to its similarity to the phrase "f...ing nuts".

The Trade Marks Examiner ruled that "Nuckin Futs" was an "obvious spoonerism" and deemed it ineligible for registration under section 42 of the Trade Marks Act.

Under the law such terms must be rejected if likely to be regarded as shameful, offensive or shocking to the ordinary person.

But solicitor Jamie White, Director of law firm Pod Legal, who submitted the application on behalf of his Gold Coast client, argued that "Nuckin Futs" was not offensive because it was commonplace in everyday Australian language.

In a five-page legal document, seen by news.com.au, which catalogues the history of controversial product names, Mr White argued the words "f..." or "f...ing" were "now part of the universal discourse of the ordinary Australian".

Mr White assured the Examiner that the product, mostly comprising of edible nuts, would not be marketed to children as his client only intended to sell it in pubs, nightclubs and other entertainment venues.

The trade mark is due for registration in April 2012.

Cupid Stunts...

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Solar panels were fitted on a council house – facing AWAY from the sun.

Tenant Gerald Evans pointed it out to the fitters but claims he was ignored.

The retired labourer said he pointed out that the panelling would be best at the front of the property where it would be exposed to the majority of the sunlight during the day

But he said: "I was told the correct positioning had been assessed using a compass."

They continued with the original plan of putting the panels at the rear of his home, on the roof over a bedroom and kitchen.

The contractor, social housing refurbishment specialists, Forrest later apologised for the error on a bungalow in Chirk, near Wrexham.

They have agreed to fix them the right way round free of charge.

And buy a new compass...

And finally:

Over to the left

The Fredericton SPCA is fundraising to help Tiny the cat live up to his name.

Margo Bird, the executive director of the Fredericton SPCA, said Tiny was dropped off in a box on Dec. 30.

But she said staff members originally assumed the box contained a donation of office supplies or pet food: until the box meowed.

“Lo and behold, there was our 30-pound wonder. Tiny and another normal-size cat Rapunzel, he was tucked underneath Tiny. So, I think, they were happy to get out of the box, to say the least,” Bird said.

Tiny is a friendly male with long grey fur and green eyes and, the SPCA says, he weighed 13.5 kilograms when he was dropped off.

Tiny is the largest cat they have ever seen at the Fredericton SPCA. He is three times the size of an average cat.

Tiny moved to a foster home on Thursday and a local veterinarian has volunteered to monitor his diet free of charge.

The Fredericton SPCA has launched a weight loss challenge to help fundraise to pay for Tiny’s food.

The canned cat food is estimated to cost $4 to $5 per day.

Bless.....

 That’s it: I’m orf to build a Lough generator in the moat.

 And today’s thought:

Angus

The Angus Dei Cupid Stunts awards 2011

As Blighty follows 2011 into oblivion, it is once again time for the much awaited list detailing the worst and the very worst of the knobhead bastards that have robbed, screwed and taken the piss out of us over the last twelve months.

The panel (myself, his Maj and the Butler) has spent at least two and a half minutes going through the thousands, OK hundreds, oh all right, the couple of nominations for this coveted prize.

We have decided not to include the obvious such as members of  the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition, (apart from a few exceptions) or all the other thieving, useless, inept, arrogant MPs and the “we are all in this together” lying Pratts that think we are as stupid as they are. 

Instead the focus will.....well focus on those who have managed to exceed even my standard of total bollix in the last 364 days.

Starting at the end: 

Number ten:

Will be posted to The Royal Mail who has managed to cut back on deliveries and collections, close more post offices than there are managers in the NHS, bump up prices until it is cheaper to drive to the address and shove the letter under the door and take nine days to deliver a package posted in Guildford Surrey to the Castle dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire (ten miles).

Number nine:

Is transported to the bus, train and airline jonnies who have reduced services, put up prices, couldn’t keep to a timetable if our lives depended on it and give even less of a shit about us than that lot in Westminster.

 Number eight:

Is awarded to all the “energy suppliers” who have managed to bring twenty million households in Blighty to their knees with swingeing price increases, indecipherable bills, unimaginable “plans”, and Piss Poor service whilst blaming someone else for charging more. 

Number seven:

Goes to the European Union which has managed to totally balls up the “Eurozone” leaving more than a couple of countries so far in debt that they will still be bankrupt in 2050, and then has the temerity to ask us to contribute to yet another bailout fund.

Number six:

Is retailed as Tesco, who keep raking in astronomical profits while “giving” us ‘price drops’ and still manages to increase my weekly shopping bill by about five percent each seven days.

Number five:

Is emailed to “The electronic Media” such as Auntie BBC, Channels three, four, five, and even higher numbers who have managed to dumb down our viewing experience with such delights as Strictly come bleedin dancing, Britain’s got talent, Big brother, come dine with me, I’m an arsehole get me out of here, and East Enders which is even more depressing than real life.

Number four:

Has to be the BWankers that managed to lend billions to people who had about as much of a chance of repaying as finding a gold bar in the bog after a dump, and then gladly accepted hundreds of billions from us so that they could continue to pay themselves vast bonuses while we fell into the black hole.

Number three:

Is the first exception; Son of a B....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (my wallpaper shop is going dahn the drain) Osborne who has managed to plunge sixty odd million inhabitants of our once fair land into abject poverty using his tunnel vision and lack of common sense, foresight, fiscal knowhow,  and total absence of an IQ.

  

Number two:

Is the second exception and is given with many thanks to U-Turn Dave and his brown nosed side kick what’s his name who have decided that we will not have a referendum on staying in the EU, will see our standard of existance decline to the point where Africa is offering us aid, has managed to put more people on the dole than their predecessors, borrowed more dosh on “our behalf” than you could shake a knob at, lied and cheated their way into power and all the while seem to exist in an alternative universe.

And ending at the start:

Number one:

Is of course.......us, the general public who once again believed the lying, cheating bastards that have ruined the economy, the NHS, the housing market, the job market and screwed all and sundry without actually being elected.

So on behalf everyone in broken, bollixed up Blighty I gratefully accept this prestigious award on our behalf.

Angus