Going out: Coming in: El Papa’s stripper: Wheelie big saw: Beanz meanz NZ: and Goosy Goosy Dentist.

‘Tis cold, dark and windy at the Castle this morn, oodles of wet stuff yesterday and last dark thing, which has made the garden smile-and me because I don’t have to drag the watering can around.

I had several phone calls from Mac owners who have acquired a virus on their “inviolate” laptops, so I downloaded the SophosLabs free antivirus for Mac, deleted the Leap-A worm and charged them double.

Why? Because I can…….

The Talk Talk internet connection is still iffy, and the rain doesn’t help, modern technology.

I see that “we must reduce the deficit” U-Turn Cam has decided that “We” can afford to give away £100 million or so to the Arab Spring countries.

British officials said that the Piss poor Polices Prime Minister, David Cameron, was ready to promise £110m in aid for such countries over four years. The initial beneficiaries would be Tunisia and Egypt.

Today's summit declaration is expected to promise a "durable partnership" with Egypt and Tunisia and any other Arab countries which overthrow autocratic rule. Cairo has asked for $10bn to $12bn (£6.1bn to £7.3bn) by the middle of next year. Tunisia says it needs $25bn over five years.  

The cost of democracy.

And talking of Piss Poor Policies

Net migration in to the UK soared by almost half last year and is now close to the record levels of 2005.

It is the fifth quarter in a row that net immigration has risen signalling a worrying upward trend.

And two of the main drivers were a slump in emigration and a sharp rise in Eastern Europeans coming to the UK for work – two areas that will not be affected by the Government’s annual cap or other immigration measures.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) yesterday also showed:

: The number of foreign workers increased by 1.7 million in the last decade and accounted for all the increase in employment levels over the period.

: Work visas increased by six per cent in the year to March 2011

: Asylum claims increased by 11 per cent

: Migrants granted settlement in the UK increased by four per cent

U-Turn Cam has promised to cut net immigration, the difference between those arriving and those leaving the UK, to the “tens of thousands” by 2015.  

Not working is it.

Apparently the ex Nazi what’s his name El Papa has shut down a famous community in Rome that organised dances by a former nightclub dancer nun and hosted VIPs like Madonna, earning the disfavour of the Vatican.

The closure of the monastery of Santa Croce in Gerusalemme, which holds some of the Church's most prized relics, was reported by Italian dailies La Stampa and Il Foglio.

The reports said the community of Cistercian monks based at the church for more than five centuries was being transferred to other churches in Italy.

Contacted by AFP, the Vatican did not deny the reports.

The basilica had become a hub for the Friends of Santa Croce, an aristocratic group, and had been criticised for some unorthodox practices including dances in which nuns pranced around the altar.

One of the nuns who performed at the church, a former disco dancer, can be seen in a YouTube video performing a modern dance with a crucifix. 

Seems like fairly normal behaviour for the Catholic Church to me.

Right a fair amount to one of the ‘Azakhstans

The world's biggest saw helps workers in Kazakhstan plough through hillsides by digging out 4,500 tonnes of coal an hour.

Towering in at just over 145 feet and weighing a staggering 45,000 tons, the massive machine obliterates anything in its path.

The saw has jagged buckets attached to the rotating blade - which works in a similar fashion to a chain saw.

The buckets dig deep into the coal seam and break off mammoth chunks - before it travels around a conveyor belt and straight into containers positioned on waiting trains.

The mammoth excavator needs a total of 27 people to operate it at any one time.

As giant as this mighty tool is, it is hindered by one flaw: it only travels at one mile every three hours.

 I pity the poor sod that has to change the blade.

Dahn Unda and right a bean

Heinz Australia will shed more than 300 jobs when it moves some of its operations in Victoria, NSW and Queensland to New Zealand, the company announced today.

The decision will result in the loss of 160 jobs at Golden Circle's Northgate plant in Brisbane, 146 jobs at Girgarre in northern Victoria and another 38 jobs at Wagga Wagga, in NSW.

Heinz will shift production of sauces, beetroot and some meals products from these facilities to its operations in Hastings, New Zealand, it said in a statement.

Heinz Australia chief executive Nigel Comer said the decision was made after an extensive review of the company's manufacturing operations. 

Or in other words-cheaper.

 And finally: 

Dahn in Surrey

A retired dentist suffered a broken leg after driving his quad bike into a tree while being attacked by a goose.

Jan Pieniazek was chased around a lake by an over-protective male Canadian goose as he tried to collect some grain from a neighbour's garden for his chickens.

He jumped on to his quad bike to escape but the hissing bird flew at him, landed on his head and knocked him off course.

Terrified Mr Pieniazek crashed into a tree and was left flat on his back in a field in Cowfold, near Horsham, until a neighbour heard his cries for help and called 999.

He said: "I went past the lake where there are a pair of Canadian geese. The female was sitting on her eggs on an island.

"The male always flaps his wings and hisses to protect the nest but on this occasion, he followed me all the way around the lake.

"Out of the blue he then landed on my head when I got on the quad and I drove straight into a tree.

"I heard a big crack in my leg bone. I was 200 yards from he nearest road so I screamed and screamed until a lady from a cottage down the road came to help me."

Paramedics and the Sussex Air Ambulance attended.

An Air ambulance spokesman said: "His tibia bone was protruding through the skin so we anaesthetised him, administered a strong painkiller and reduced the fracture.

"We then splinted his leg and made him more comfortable."

Mr Peiniazek is now recovering at home and is hoping to be back on his feet within six months,

The geese now have a family of six goslings.

A retired dentist…maybe there is someone upstairs: and at least the Goose is OK.

That’s it: I’m orf to test out my Bat Sight. 

And today’s thought: Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton, former U.S. president.

 Angus

Three Numptys in the coalition: Ka-tea: Dahn Unda goes smart: Retrograde book: Big Russian fairies: Naked in Melbourne: and Ladies sauntering.

‘tis four–ish of the am at the frost covered Castle this morn, the butler is frantically stuffing fat teenagers into the furnace while pedalling away on the cyclegen, the kitchen is empty of any sort of computers, the garden is starting to explode into life and I have to go to Tesco and stock up on stale bread and gruel; after using my new giant sized scraper purchased for the paltry sum of two quid.

First/second/third up we have three examples of the lack of brain power and common sense in the Piss Poor Policies Coalition.

Silly Billy Hague is defending the fat old Duke of York and his association with an American businessman who is a convicted paedophile, Silly Billy told BBC News he had "full confidence" in the work the Prince was doing: "I've seen a lot of benefits that he has brought in countries that I have visited, where he's been performing that role."

Hoping for a Knighthood Billy?

Then we have U-turn Huhne

Who thinks that Britain has no other option but to speed up efforts to move away from oil towards other energy sources.

As a result of soaring petrol prices, the energy minister said Britain will launch a new national "Carbon Plan".

It is aimed at getting government departments to shake up their operations and make their projects less dependent on fossil fuels.

"Getting off the oil hook is made all the more urgent by the crisis in the Middle East," Mr Huhne told The Observer.

"We cannot afford to go on relying on such a volatile source of energy when we can have clean, green and secure energy from low-carbon sources.

Yeah right, Blighty is overflowing with “green” energy: I must pop out and hoist the sail on the Rover.

And The irritable Bowel Twins

Reckon that there are lots of jobs for the unemployed

And Hundreds of thousands of unemployed people could be in work if they took vacant jobs, Iain Duncan Smith has said.

The Work and Pensions (witless Pillock) Secretary said that unemployment would be significantly lower if jobless workers could be better-matched to vacancies.

UK unemployment stands at 2.5 million. Mr Duncan Smith told the Conservative spring conference in Cardiff that was less of a problem than some have suggested.

“It’s short sighted to say there aren’t any jobs at the moment. The fact is there are around half a million vacancies in the economy at the moment,” he said.

Which would only leave two million on the dole, plus the half million to come from the public service cuts.

A case of :  “If we had some ham we could have ham and eggs if we had any eggs”

The members of the Multi Millionaires Coalition Club don’t seem to have much of a grip on reality.

Hamburg tries one upmanship

A Hamburg company has beaten the Brits at their own game - a cup of tea - by selling "KaTEA" tea bags featuring Prince William and his bride-to-be Kate Middleton.

The bags feature the faces and torsos of the future royal couple with extended arms that drinkers can hang over the rim of their cups. They are the idea of Donkey Products, based in the northern German port city of Hamburg.

The bags are filled with German-grown black tea. They are being sold for a limited time as a pair, with in a greeting card.

I don’t think Ford is going to be very happy about the “Ka” bit.

Dahn Unda

The nation's longest-serving director of public prosecutions (DPP) says that Australia need smarter laws not tougher ones.

In his 16 years as NSW DPP, Mr Cowdrey has dealt with more than his fair share of pressure from politicians, the public and the media - and he's made more than a few enemies by standing his ground.

"I'm not prepared to suck up to some other bureaucrat or to smooch with some minister in order to curry favour and get something done," said the 64-year-old who will retire on Tuesday.

Wonder why he didn’t say all this 16 years before he retired?

Back in the land of green energy, and up a bit

The Scottish Poetry Library has been left a unique gift by an anonymous artist - who slipped in and out of the building unnoticed as staff worked.

The intricate model tree, made from the leaves of a book, was discovered on a table in the library with no sign of the mystery benefactor.

Librarian Julie Johnstone found it on Wednesday morning with a note attached saying it was a gift.

She said: "I was going into a meeting and it was in the corner of my eye, I thought 'What's that?' I thought somebody must be doing a display, and I had a look and saw this intriguing anonymous message, and came down to see if anyone knew about it - and no one knew anything about it. It's lovely."

Communications officer Peggy Hughes said: "We were delighted that someone would have taken all that time to do that and just leave it.

"I think we're going to look at it every day and say 'Wow'.

Tree-paper-book-tree: very deep.

Down to the land of prescription and hospital parking charges

The Russian state ballet has taken on some fat fairies; their “Big Ballet troupe” is ­currently on their Size Does Matter tour in the UK.
Prima ballerina Tatyana Gladaknik says: “It’s very easy to do the splits with 16 stone of down force.”

Bet that would crack your nuts.

Dahn Unda yet again

More than 150 naked cyclists coursed their way through inner-city Melbourne in support of bike activism on Sunday.

Melbourne's fourth annual Naked Bike Ride kicked off at the Edinburgh Gardens in North Fitzroy and took riders on a 10-kilometre trip through the city's streets.

Organiser Heidi Hill says the ride protests in favour of bike activism, as well as naturism, environmentalism and pacifism.

She says it a sure-fire way of bringing attention to those issues.

"Going past Lygon Street and all the restaurants, people come running out and they're quite shocked and then they start laughing and screaming," she said.

"I think people are titillated and excited to see people having so much fun."

Hope they had soft saddles.

And finally:

Ladies sauntering

That’s it: I’m orf to explore a superfluid friction-less liquid that could seemingly defy the laws of gravity.

And today’s thought: Friends are those rare people who ask how we are . . . then wait to hear the answer

Angus

Piss Poor Policies Dave C Pinches a Pussy: Save the Children-from our Government: Big Apple crack: Do not try this at home: Boca off: Space Olympics;

And ladies Sauntering 4.


‘Tis a bit on the positive side Fahrenheit wise at the Castle this morn, I won’t tell you what the time is but the hour is between three and five.

Among the comments on Hard times: On the loose: Missile mail: Automatic Numpty: Smell the Law: and 1984 Dahn Unda.” yesterday there was this-Comment: “Your essay is good except for the spelling I feel honored to e your guest.”

Sigh….E don’t know me very well do e? miy spilling is as god as the noxt mins.
Still. It’s the thought that counts.










Piss Poor Policies Dave C is allegedly being accused of cat knapping. A London man claims Dave has "taken" his aunt's cat and has launched a Facebook campaign to get him back.

Larry the cat made headlines around the world when he was adopted as Number 10, Downing Street's new rat catcher.

But Tim Sutcliffe says 'Larry' is really 'Jo', a stray taken in by his Auntie Margaret who was left devastated when he ran away last October.

Mr Sutcliffe has started a Facebook page to campaign for the cat's safe return to his aunt, who lives in Bermondsey, London, reports the Daily Mail.

He believes the cat ended up at Battersea Cats Home after running away, before it was re-homed to Downing Street.

"As she didn't technically own Jo, Battersea were well within their rights to take him, but she is really upset that he's been taken away from her and she wants him back," he said.

Do the decent thing PPP Dave; get your hands off the Lady’s Pussy.


PPP Dave C seems to be doing a spiffing job with the youth of our green and sprouting spring land.

Twenty nine local authorities in Great Britain have more than one in five children living in severe poverty, a report published by Save the Children has found.

Conducted by the New Policy Institute the research reveals that 1.6m children across the UK live in severe poverty.

Manchester (the best place to live in Blighty) and Tower Hamlets (not the best place to live in Blighty) were reported to have the highest proportion with more than a quarter (27 per cent) of children living in the poorest households.

Save the Children is now calling on government to remove the barriers to employment faced by low income parents including low wages and childcare costs and improve the financial support provided to families in need.


Dave is helping- by cutting benefits, social services, jobs and all hope.




Across the wet, wobbly, wavy thing to the Big Apple

A New York man whose wallet disappeared from his jacket pocket has gotten it back - 40 years later.

Rudolph Resta was working for The New York Times as an art director in 1970 when he left his jacket in a closet at the old Times building in Manhattan just off Times Square. When he went to fetch the jacket, the wallet was gone.

Fast-forward to last fall, when a security guard checking a gap by an unused window came across the wallet - apparently stashed there by a thief who'd pulled out the cash.

Resta was tracked down through pieces of ID linked to the Times.

Resta is now in his 70s. He's enjoying the memories the wallet contained - photos of his sons as children, his glamorous wife and his late father.

That’s the problem when you get old and a bit saggy, things disappear into cracks.

Right more than a couple of thousand imperial measures

A Chinese pensioner has invented an electric unicycle which he says can travel 40 miles on a single charge.

Retired factory worker Li Yunian, 66, of Taiyuan, northern China's Shanxi Province, took two months to design his powered unicycle which he calls 'Cool Friend'.

It has one major wheel and three smaller wheels which act as stabilisers and help control direction.

Li, who worked with a welder friend, said: "It is mainly made out of old bikes. It cost me less than £100 in total - including the three batteries!"

He has won a patent for the invention, which can travel at speeds of up to 12mph, and hopes to eventually go into partnership with a manufacturer to produce it commercially.

In the meantime, Li is giving local people the chance to try out his Cool Friend, so they can help with suggestions to perfect the design.

Very nice, slight snag-old people and unicycles are not the best combination, and it isn’t really a unicycle-“It has one major wheel and three smaller wheels” is it?

Back over to the land of the broke and the home of the homeless

As is:

A Michigan woman says the energy bracelets a Boca Raton-based company sells on late-night TV infomercials don't do a bit of good, and she's looking for a big payday.

Arjana Xexo has filed a lawsuit after she paid $19.90 plus $15.90 for shipping and handling for two iRenew bracelets that she was shocked to discover didn't improve her health, according to the Palm Beach Post.

Xexo has filed a lawsuit, and her lawyer estimates damages at $5 million.

The infomercials for the rubber bracelets with a metal insert say it helps with overall health and helps rebalance one's "Biofield."

John Merritt, president of Boca-based iRenew Bio Energy Solutions LLC, wasn't available for comment.

Late last year, Harvest Trading Group, the company that markets the bracelets, received an F rating from the Better Business Bureau.

Xexo's attorney is asking to be allowed to sue on behalf of hundreds of others who bought the bracelets and were dissatisfied.

Oh dear.

Right all that distance to Europe-ish

The Olympic flame that will travel the world before reaching the Russian resort town of Sochi for the 2014 Winter Olympics may also a pay a brief visit to space, according to a top official.

An Olympic visit to the International Space Station is an "interesting" idea that requires further study, according to Vitaly Davydov, deputy head of Russia’s Federal Space Agency.

"It is not a bad idea," Mr Davydov said. "It is theoretically possible."

Yeah right, open flame in a confined space miles above the Earth, still when the space station explodes the vacuum will put the conflagration out.

And finally:

Ladies sauntering 4.

That’s it: I’m orf to “Bore” in Newcastle.

And today’s thought: Don't go to bed angry . . . stay up and plot your revenge.


Angus