CHEERED UP A BIT

Bit happier now, and just to prove it a mish-mash of news, funny stories and facts you don’t want to know.

Ananova

An Australian prison guard who was held hostage for two days by 20 prisoners was released for----15 Pizzas.

A New Zealand man who called police officers 'pigs' has been ordered to spend a day at a pig farm. The 22-year-old has also been ordered to write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.

That’s the Antipodes for you.


Ananova Truck drivers who are caught speeding in an Indian state are being made to hop like frogs.
Police in Bihar dish out the humiliating punishments instead of taking offenders to court
For the most popular punishment, leapfrog, speeding truck drivers have to sit on their haunches, hold their ears and hop for almost half a kilometre.
And the drivers are made to chant the name of the political leader they like most while they are being punished.
One policeman was quoted as saying: "If they remember their leader when they are being punished, it's like they are insulting them. If they have any sense, they won't do the offence again."

Wouldn’t work here, nobody likes any of the politicians, except the politicians.

And some news-from Ananova - News

An Australian Navy submarine commander is in trouble for suggesting women sailors wearing bikinis would boost recruitment. Commander Tom Phillips also revealed the submarine equivalent of the "mile-high club" is the "going down club". In an interview with men's magazine Ralph, he revealed the naval uniform works to "either pull a chick or get in a fight".

Apparently feminist groups are not too pleased, I don’t know why.


A US man had his gun confiscated after he accidentally shot a lavatory bowl in a restaurant toilet. The 26-year-old man's handgun went off while he was hitching up his pants, reports the Salt Lake Tribune. Police say the bullet shattered the toilet and sent sharp shards into the man's arm, which required hospital treatment nobody was badly hurt in the incident, in Centreville, Utah, but a woman in a neighbouring toilet complained of chest pains. Police confiscated the man's firearm, for which he had a permit.

That really is going off half-cocked.
.


Bungling German firemen have been branded the worst in the world after their own fire station burned to the ground.
All six fire engines perished in the £3 million blaze in Syke and it took 250 firemen from nearby towns to finally bring the inferno under control.
Investigators believe the fire fighters could have triggered the blaze themselves in a training exercise accident or that faulty wiring was to blame.
The weekend blaze was the second time the brigade has lost all its engines in a fire. The station was rebuilt in 1994 after being gutted by a fire.

Glad I don’t live in Syke.


You have to see the photo-Ananova - Skier's mishap causes exposure the man, who to his undoubted relief has not been identified, was left hanging upside down from a ski lift with his trousers around his knees.
He had boarded the high-speed lift in Vail's Blue Sky basin with a child but, unfortunately for him, the fold-down seat was not in the correct lowered-down position.
That caused the skier to slip through the resulting gap as he attempted to board the lift. He was prevented from plummeting to the ground below by his right ski, which became jammed in the ascending lift.


Oops-Ananova - England fans stranded in one way street Two English football fans in Cologne lost their car after mistakenly thinking they had parked it on a road called 'One Way Street'. The pair wrote down 'Einbahn Strasse' - which means one-way street in German - so they didn't forget where they'd left the hire car.
Well we do expect everything to be in English don’t we?

Did you know?

There are 92 known cases of nuclear bombs lost at sea.
Over 5 billion crayons are produced each year. (Well they have to have something to do in Parliament)

One in ten people live on an island (Think about it)

The Mathematical decimal system introduced in 4BC and it only took us 1981 years to catch up, we haven’t really because we still use imperial as well.

Can openers were invented 48 years after cans, cans were invented in 1810 by a Londoner, Peter Durand. American Ezra Warnet invented the can opener in 1858. The well-known wheel-style opener was invented in 1925. Beer in a can was launched in 1935. The easy open can lid was invented by Ermal Cleon Fraze in 1959.
It takes a can about 200 years to degrade if you bury it.

The Great Pyramid of Giza is the only one of the Seven Wonders of the World that still survives.

You can live without food for almost a month but survive no longer than a week without water. And 20% of all freshwater is in one lake, Lake Baikal in Asia.
There, doesn’t that feel better?

“Remember, anyone can juggle for a second”- John Alexandro King. (The covert comic)

Angus

Blogs on NHS behind the headlines

A BIT OF A HABIT

Is it Saturday or just me?

Maybe it’s just that the weeks over and my braincell needs a rest.

A mixture of “funny” pics, and other stuff.


“Funny” signs

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

On a plumber's truck:We repair what your husband fixed.

In front of a church:Don't give up. Moses was once a basket case


“Funny” Insurance claim forms

"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."

"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."

“Funny” Quotes


Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognise a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. Benjamin Franklin

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. Spike Milligan


I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. Rodney Dangerfield


From all over

The Perfect Scam - AustraliaAustralian Police have been unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam: A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos. As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via check. After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. So they return their customers' money in the form of a company check. However, due to the name of the company, few people will present these checks to their banks. The name of the company:"The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company."

Creative Writing

A creative writing class at Slippery Rock University was asked to writea concise essay containing the following elements: Religion Royalty Sex Mystery.

The prize winner wrote:"My God," said the queen, "I am pregnant! I wonder who did it?"


Actual Newspaper Headlines

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Clinton Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead



And some Pics


























That's it.

Angus

The funny side of life

Enough of being serious today.

From the BBC, in fact all from the BBC-BBC Radio 4 - The News Quiz


Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (Reuters via The Manchester Evenings News)

Yeah Right,


Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a special branch vehicle, and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

I can’t say anything, it’s not PC.


After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name. (The Guardian)

A man after my own heart.


Would the congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church labelled 'for the sick' is for monetary donations only. (Churchtown Parish Magazine)

Well I’m not clearing it up.


6.10pm: Pride and Prejudice. Mr. Bennett's estranged cousin, Mr.Collins, writes to announce his imminent visit to Longbourne - the house he will inherit on Mr.Bennett's death. Mrs. Bennett rallies the residents to stop him setting up a minicab service. (Hampstead and Highgate Express)

Well ahead of his time.


There must, for instance, be something very strange in a man who, if left a lone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on. (Glasgow Evening News)

Sod PC it must be a Scottish thing.


A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "this sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

Remind me not to go there on holiday.

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied that he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)


If the Land rover weighs over a ton and the man about 12 stone, how many coastguards does it take to tell a porky?

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler". (Bournemouth Evening Echo)


He must be working for the Dept of Health now.

Commenting on a complaint from a Mr.Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West gas said "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr.Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that blew his house to pieces." (Bangkok Post)

Just like a Gas Company, full of sympathy.

These aren’t from the BBC.



A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his
Walkman.

That’s her story and she is sticking to it.


Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless
protesters were trampled to death

It’s true what they say-no good deed goes unpunished.


Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnaje didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb he opened it and was blown to bits.

Not only stupid but mean as well.


Here are 12 of the finest double-entendres that were aired on British TV & Radio;

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

5. US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!"

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half
the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday."

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."


And if you don’t find any of that funny I give up.

angus

OUR FIRST CARS-2

The Herald had gone to the great parts department in the sky and we had our Vitesse.





The Vitesse was a totally different beast, it had a 2 litre straight six engine, the prop shaft, diff and rear drive shafts had been beefed up, new bonnet with double headlights and an overdrive (fifth gear). The heater was improved and gave out the equivalent of Two matches, still no power steering, still couldn’t see out the rear window, but it did have a radio.

The engine was the same as that fitted to the Triumph 2000, a large saloon that was used by the police until the 2000 PI came in.





It had two Stromberg Carbs with “dashpots” that had to be topped up with engine oil every week. The problem, with the Vitesse was the ignition circuit; it was basically the same as the Herald-points and a condenser.

But it didn’t like the damp, which wasn’t a good thing in England.

The other problem was the battery; it held enough charge to turn the engine over for about thirty seconds and then would go flat.

So if you owned a Vitesse you became very knowledgeable about the ignition. I can still remember the firing order-1, 5,3,6,2,4, and the points gap-0.012” and the plug gap-0.025”

Another problem was the brakes. It actually had discs on the front, but when you got the old girl up to speed, the stopping distance was about as short as an oil tanker.

But that wasn’t too much of a problem unless there were other cars in front of you.

We loved it, and expanded our travels, and headed north and northwest.

We found many interesting places, one of which was Henley, and spent our summer Sundays touring about, pub lunches, walks, having picnics and meeting people.

Like the Herald it was a “magnet” and attracted attention wherever we went.

It went like a rocket and was I suppose the “poor mans’” E-Type. It certainly wasn’t as pretty and it didn’t have a top speed of 150. But it would see off most of the other sports cars on the road.

We only had one “hairy” moment that was when we were on our way back from Wales; we were on a dual carriageway and had a tyre burst at about seventy. The radial tyres on the Vitesse were much better than the old cross plies on the herald, and I managed to keep her straight, but it was a “brown trouser” moment.

Winter Sundays were usually spent on maintenance; the Vitesse was a high maintenance car.

Time went on and along side the Vitesse were the Dolomite in all its forms, the 1300 FWD, and the 1500TC as well of course as the Stag.


And as we got a bit older we moved to saloons.

That really is our “first cars” story, but if you want I will continue the saga, with our “later” cars.


Angus

OUTRAGE

Yesterday the world was subjected to the sight of gangs of people fighting in Christendom’s holiest place.

The video is here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AX470zoKWIo

There were two gangs involved, one from Greece and one from Armenia, and were seen by the world. Brawling in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre

I have only one thing to say-WASN’T IT GREAT!!!! I haven’t laughed so much for ages.

The monks from Greece and Armenia put up a wonderful show, it was a spectacle that should be repeated every week. Like the wrestling used to be on a Saturday afternoon.

The sight of twenty or so monks dressed in their funny hats and dressing gowns, kicking the shit out of each other has restored my faith in the absolute hypocrisy of the human Race.

The surprising thing was that these “holy” men seemed to know what they were doing, the kicks and punches were well aimed, and delivered with true hostility.

Maybe we could have a world championship, perhaps the “Basher” bishop versus the “killer” Cardinal, or the “vicious” vicar against the “predacious” priest.

The “outrage”, the bloody Israeli police breaking it up just when I was enjoying myself.

Angus