I have taken a couple of days off to let my fingers heal. But I am back. During my break I have been surfing the web looking for interesting things.
From Will and Guy's free, clean jokes. Funny medical terms
Some benefits of Alzheimer's Disease
You never watch repeats on television
You are always meeting new people
You don't have to remember the complaints of your spouse
You can hide your own Easter eggs
Mysteries are always interesting
Gloria, out for a walk, notices this little old man rocking in a chair on his porch and approaches him.
'I can't help noticing how happy you look', Gloria smiles at him, 'What is your secret for a long happy life?'
'I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day', he replied, 'I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.'
'That's amazing!' Gloria responds, 'How old are you?'
'Twenty-six', he replies.
My kind of man.
A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.
He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.
The doctor asks Arnold what he's doing. Arnold smiles and answers, 'Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?'
The doctor nods and continues talking to Arnold and enquires what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, 'Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb.'
The doctor looks up and notices that Mark's face is turning red and blue.
The doctor remonstrates with Arnold and says, 'If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.'
Arnold replies with a sigh, 'What? And work in the dark.'
An Alternative Medical Dictionary: [Submitted by Nigel Morris]
Artery - The study of paintings
Barium - What Doctors do when patients die
Caesarean Section - A neighbourhood in Rome
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Dilate - To live long
Enema - Not a friend
Fibula - A small lie
Genital - Not a Jew
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain - Getting hurt at work
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Post Operative - Letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Seizure - Roman Emperor
Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport
Urine - Opposite of 'you're out'
First my own lawyer joke.
What is the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?
The vampire stops sucking your blood when you die.
From Lawyers - Jokes And Funny Stories
What's the easiest way to grease a Ferarri? Run over a lawyer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?A: No.Reply: Good!
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said" "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."
Or what about some general jokes from http://www.thejokeyard.com/one_line_jokes/clean_one_liners.html
Once upon a time there were two muffins in the microwave. Suddenly, on of the muffins says: "Man it's hot in here!!!!" The other muffin exclaims, "Look a talking muffin!!!!"
A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up.The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a poo sample and a sperm sample"The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow" When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?" The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
Or how about bumper stickers.
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides
Don't Steal....The Government hates Competition
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain
All men are Idiots, and I married their King
DRIVE LIKE HELL.. YOU'LL GET THERE!
Or general jokes.
Doctor Bob had sex with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. Every once in a while, however, he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go." But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a veterinarian!"
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out. The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door. On the way they meet this old bastard. He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty", He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you", "but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?" and the Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"