Monday, 13 July 2009

Rednecks, Dog C**P, Orgasms, Big Bunnies and F**K me!

Bit late today, I am having my hair cut, by a very nice young lady who comes to the house and gives me a trim.

Still haven’t cut the lawn, but you never know, maybe this week, after I have hacked through the Virginia Creeper that seems to be growing at four feet a day.

First up:

Q. How do you get 10,000 loonies in one place at the same time?

A. Throw the annual Redneck Games

More than 10,000 competitors have taken part in the annual Redneck Games in Georgia where events include watermelon-seed-spitting and armpit-squelching.

The most popular contest of the games, held in the small town of East Dublin, was the mud-pit belly-flop, where fully clothes contestants plunged front-first into a vat of red mud clay.

Judges awarded higher marks for “beauty of form” in the flop and the size of the splash.

Other disciplines included the stomach-churning Bobbing for Pig's Feet, where competitors bobbed into a shoulder-deep bucket to retrieve pig’s trotters, and the Armpit Serenade in which contestants were judged on their ability to replicate the sound of breaking wind.

The Redneck Games, which first appeared as a sideshow to the Atlanta Olympics in 1996, were the inspiration of Jeff Kidd and his team at local radio station, WQZY. They are run by the local Lions Club.

Their initial intention was to give Olympic spectators reasons to stop off in the small town of East Dublin, as they travelled between the main games in Atlanta and the ice hockey in nearby Savannah.

Attendance has risen from the inaugural 1,000 guests to crowds nearing 10,000 in recent times.

Anybody seen “Deliverance”?

Don’t scoop it eat it.

The Council in Torbay, Devon have come up a novel way to get dog owners to “poop scoop”, by putting up posters of a child eating dog crap.

Now local councillor Dave Butt said that dog mess on the streets has fallen by more than half from 400 reported incidents in April to 185 in June.

The posters were put up in local bus shelters to warn dog owners who do not clear up their mess that they face a penalty fine of £75.

Mr Butt (wonderful name), Torbay Council's member for community services, said there had been no complaints about the posters.

"The poster was rather unpleasant, but helped drive the message home very forcibly.

"We did not have any complaints, but we did have people ringing us to say it was about time and they were pleased we went in so hard."

Didn’t anyone realise that children tend to copy the things they see?

Staying on the children thing

The NHS in its wisdom is advising school pupils that they have a "right" to an enjoyable sex life and that regular sex can be good for their cardiovascular health.

Entitled Pleasure, the leaflet has been drawn up by NHS Sheffield, but it also being circulated outside the city.

The leaflet carries the slogan "an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away". It also says: "Health promotion experts advocate five portions of fruit and veg a day and 30 minutes' physical activity three times a week. What about sex or masturbation twice a week?"

Mr Slack believes that if teenagers are fully informed about sex and are making their decisions of their own will in a loving relationship, they have an equal right as an adult to an enjoyable sex life.

Anthony Seldon, the headmaster of Wellington College, which recently introduced classes in emotional wellbeing, said the leaflets were "deplorable".

Deplorable isn’t a strong enough word, I would use brainless, thoughtless, inane or just plain bloody stupid.

Big Bunny Food cost £50 per week

At first glance Benny, a giant Flemish buck, could be a contender for the heaviest, as he tips the scales at 22.4lbs.

However, Guinness World Records no longer records animal weights because of problems with owners over-feeding them.

But the two-year-old giant, whose owners Martin and Sharon Heather claimed measures 85cms - almost 3ft - in length, is now in the running to be crowned the longest rabbit in the world.

Previous record holder Amy, a continental giant doe who died in May, measured a paltry 81.5cm.

Mr and Mrs Heather have set up a Facebook site for Benny and are using his new-found fame to help save the Oxfordshire Animal Sanctuary, which is under threat due to a funding crisis.

Rabbit Stew

Serves 4 (or in this case 12.)


2 tbsp olive oil
300g streaky bacon, chopped
1 wild rabbit, skinned and jointed
12 baby carrots
8 shallots, peeled and whole
4 garlic cloves, crushed
2 tbsp honey
1 sprig fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
400ml cider
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

1. Heat a frying pan and add the olive oil. Add the bacon and sauté until golden and crisp.
Remove the bacon to a casserole dish.

2. Add the rabbit joints to the frying pan, sauté until golden and then place in the casserole dish.

3. Lastly, add the carrots, shallots, garlic and honey to the pan and cook until caramelised. Transfer the mixture to the casserole dish, season with salt and pepper and pop in the thyme and bay leaf. Cover with the cider.

4. Cook in a preheated oven at 120°C for two hours.

And don’t forget the Dumplings.

And finally:

It really does make you feel better

Scientists have discovered that uttering swear words can help to lessen the feeling of physical pain.

The study by researchers at Keele University found that volunteers were able to withstand pain for longer when they swore compared to when they used words which were not offensive.

Dr Richard Stephens, who conducted the study at the university's school of psychology, believes it may explain why swearing is still common place in languages around the world.

He suggests that swearing could have evolved as a way of raising aggression levels and reducing the feeling of pain to allow our ancestors to flee or fight back when attacked by predators.

He said: "We think it could be part of the flight or fight response. In the volunteers who swore, we also found they had an elevated heart rate, so it could be increasing their aggression levels.

"Increased aggression has been shown to reduce people's sensitivity to pain, so it could be swearing is helping this process."

I could have saved them a lot of money and time, all they had to do was ask, and the way to do it not to “utter” but let loose as loud as you can combined with hopping around holding the damaged area.


Angus Dei politico



Devonshire Dumpling said...

Torbay's bad taste advert re dog mess has worked though - it's reported on the BBC news as having been over 50% successful with dog owners actually cleaning up after their dogs down there.

A lot of the found and caught culprits are not locals - they are holidaymakers who come down with their pets and don't bother to clean up after them.

angus said...

Why am I not surprised at that? :)

Devonshire Dumpling said...

Oh! seen the film, read the book, ate the pie.....the only time I can now get hold of rabbit is when I go out a-huntin'

There was a time that supermarkets at least stocked chinese rabbit but now they don't (an EU thanggg?) so us locals rely on our waxed jackets with inside poachers pockets and are pretty adept at hunting,shooting, fishing or poaching.

I recall the Sunday dinners comprising of a succulent rabbit casserole complete with herbs and tasty dumplings (the latter always contained a tasty surprise in the middle) and you should be shot at dawn, Angus, for sharing a nice recipe for something the public can't purchase easily.

.....oh, go and mow your lawn or something! have totally upset me now.

angus said...

Thanks for that DD:)

I seem to remember going on holiday about 10 years ago, to a National trust place next to a donkey sanctuary in Devon, there were literally hundreds of wild rabbits in the fields around the cottage.

Worth a try.

Sainsburys used to do rabbits, my old dad used to breed them for food along with hens.

Happy days.

James Higham said...

Mr Slack believes that if teenagers are fully informed about sex and are making their decisions of their own will in a loving relationship, they have an equal right as an adult to an enjoyable sex life.

And that's precisely the giant con perpetrated on this generation by people like Planned Parenthood. There are cogent articles to say that it has induced the current state of affairs.

Phidelm said...

Angus, yet more tonic!
Those games could be introduced in a couple of places where I used to live in the UK and would suit the locals like, er, a pickup truck (or, if I had my way, sterilisation. Nothing like neighbours like these to put a girl in touch with her inner Nazi). Ah, but then most rednecks are descendants of people from said places (damn, we should have exported the lot while we still had a chance).
Dogs*** EVERYWHERE here. You have to negotiate the streets looking down at the pavement; is ruddy nuisance.
Am aghast at the sex-ed stuff & agree with you entirely. Can't think of the right word for the campaign. Bollocks?
Bunnies - yum! With you and DD on those. But you should soak the streaky bacon in milk for a couple of hours first, otherwise the resulting dish a mite too salty. You can buy rabbit in most butchers here, tho', hooray!
Moi, je reste tres zen - no need to swear in manner disgusting english, bah! Alors, putaindemerde, le gouvernement n'est qu'une sacree bande de connards de couilles de salopards et d'especes d'andouilles et d'encules enfoires qui s'en foutent pas mal de tout le monde et qui nous emmerdent en permanence et pis MAIR-dUH v'la!
Aaah, that's better ...
Thank you.