Wednesday, 9 September 2009

Custard creams curse, council dick, the road to prosperity, Parkour off and the Wednesday Numpty

I awoke with a start this morning, the radio alarm clock was telling me that the Recession is over, and that we are on the road to recovery, at least according to the multitude of tree murdering newspapers.

Sorry to use this type of language at this time of the morn, but; Bollocks.

I am also sorry to ruin your celebrations but a miniscule rise in output in one month mainly due to the weak pound and England winning the Ashes does not constitute a “back to normal” situation, we are still deep in the do do.

Having said that life goes on, we will continue to struggle and the Knobs that run the country will continue to line their pockets, nothing really changes.




First up:






Do you enjoy your tea/coffee break, of course you do but be afraid, be very afraid:- More than half of all Britons have been injured by biscuits ranging from scalding from hot tea or coffee while dunking or breaking a tooth eating during a morning tea break, a survey has revealed.

An estimated 25 million adults have been injured while eating during a tea or coffee break - with at least 500 landing themselves in hospital, the survey revealed.

The custard cream biscuit was found to be the worse offender to innocent drinkers.

It beat the cookie to top a table of 15 generic types of biccy whose potential dangers were calculated by The Biscuit Injury Threat Evaluation.

Hidden dangers included flying fragments and being hurt while dunking in scalding tea through to the more strange such as people poking themselves in the eye with a biscuit or fallen off a chair reaching for the tin.

One man even ended up stuck in wet concrete after wading in to pick up a stray biscuit.
Custard creams get a risk rating of 5.63, the highest of all.

This compared to 1.16 for Jaffa cakes, which was the safest biscuit of all in the evaluation.
Research Company Mindlab International were commissioned by Rocky, a chocolate biscuit bar, to conduct the research.

It found almost a third of adults said they had been splashed or scalded by hot drinks while dunking or trying to fish the remnants of a collapsed digestive.

It also revealed 28 per cent had choked on crumbs while one in 10 had broken a tooth or filling biting a biscuit.

More unusually, three per cent had poked themselves in the eye with a biscuit and seven per cent bitten by a pet or "other wild animal" trying to get their biscuit.

The full list of riskiest biscuits:

Custard Cream 5.64
Cookie 4.34
Choc Biscuit Bar (eg: Rocky) 4.12
Wafer 3.74
Rich Tea 3.45
Bourbon 3.44
Oat Biscuit 3.31
Digestive 3.14
Ginger Nut 2.99
Shortbread 2.90
Caramel Shortcake 2.76
Nice Biscuit 2.27
Iced Biscuits/Party Rings 2.16
Chocolate Finger 1.38
Jaffa Cakes 1.16


You couldn’t make that up, or could you?







A canteen at Flintshire County Council offices has renamed "Spotted Dick" on its menu after sniggering by customers.

Officials decided to change the name of the traditional dish to "Spotted Richard" at the offices because the original name was "offensive".

Klaus Armstrong-Braun, a county councillor, said: "I couldn't believe it, it seemed ludicrous. Spotted Dick is part of our heritage. It just seemed political correctness gone mad.

"There was a sign in the dining room for things like rice pudding and then this Spotted Richard - I had to ask what it was."

Councillor Amstrong-Braun, a Green member on the coalition-run council, said: "Whoever has changed it needs to be told they are being silly."

A spokesman for Flintshire County Council confirmed that Spotted Dick had been taken off their menu at the offices in Mold, North Wales.

He said: "It is true that the correct title for this dish is Spotted Dick. However, because of several immature comments from a few customers, catering staff renamed the dish Spotted Richard - or sometimes even Sultana Sponge.

"This was not a policy decision, canteen staff simply acted as they thought best to put an end to unwelcome and childish comments, albeit from a very small number of customers."

Spotted Dick is made from suet, flour and dried fruit - and dates back to cookery books in 1850.
The spotted refers to the currants, but the rest of the name could be a corruption of "dough" or a contraction of pudding or puddink.


What a load of “Richard heads”




New Delhi - Frustrated villagers in north-east India have grabbed spades and axes and started building their own road to the local town - after 20 years of government delays, a newspaper reported on Tuesday.

About 750 residents from seven villages are working on the 25km route to connect them to Shillong, the state capital of Meghalaya, reported the Hindustan Times.

"Last month, we decided that we had waited long enough," Tyllilang Mukhim, a village elder from Nonglatem, told the newspaper, which published pictures of dozens of women preparing the rough ground using basic hand tools."Almost all of us grow a variety of vegetables, rice, ginger... and it is not possible to take them to the market before they rot," Mukhim said.

The villagers plan to finish the job - first started by the state government in 1989 - within 25 days. State government officials blamed lack of funds for their failure to complete the project. - AFP

Good for them, but why did it take them 20 years to make their minds up?





Two men caught practising the extreme sport, parkour, on the roof of a business at Norwood have failed to overturn a ruling that they were unlawfully on the premises.

Exponents of parkour use buildings and other structures to perform gymnastic and aerobatic movements.

The men each were fined $200 in Adelaide Magistrates Court after being caught on the roof of a pharmacy at night last October.

They appealed against the decision, arguing that their behaviour was not criminal.

But Supreme Court Justice Margaret Nyland has dismissed the appeal and said the magistrate's penalty was appropriate.

(Noun Parkour
An athletic discipline in which practitioners, known as Traceurs, traverse any environment in the most efficient way possible using their physical abilities; Parkour commonly involves running, jumping, vaulting, rolling and other similar physical movements. See
http://www.parkour.net www.parkour.net )

Maybe not criminal but definitely lacking something in the brain dept.
And finally:



And talking of brains (or the lack of them) Today’s Numpty rates a nine point seven on the Angus Dei Numpty scale.

COLUMBUS, Ohio (AP) — Ohio police say a suspect in a robbery was arrested when he returned to the home about two hours later to ask the victim out on a date.

Police say 20-year-old Stephfon Bennett of Columbus was among three men who robbed a couple late Sunday.

Columbus police Sgt. Sean Laird says the woman recognized Bennett as one of the robbers when he returned to ask her out. She had a relative call 911.

Police say Bennett was arrested in front of the home. He was arraigned Tuesday on a charge of aggravated robbery and was being held in the Franklin County jail on $100,000 bail.

A public defender had not yet been assigned to Bennett’s case.


What can you say? Numpty of the first order.


Angus

8 comments:

James Higham said...

In all seriousness, I should have thought the gingernut would do the worst damage to the teeth, being so hard.

I'm quite careful around the house, mindful that even that's not going to be enough. A quick turn, doing the back in, catching the sock on the screws which had worked loose on the carpet holding dtrip in the doorway [a real one, this] - the listgoes on.

angus said...

I know what you mean James, maybe it would be better to just stay in bed all the time and have food etc delivered to the bedside;)

jams o donnell said...

That numpty is certainly a candidate for the America's Dumbest Criminals show

I came to grief on a cookie which took away half of a molar

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

British culture at its best! Still laughing. Angus, I am going to use the "custard cream" story with a student this afternoon.

CherryPie said...

I think you need to run some numpty awards, that guy would certainly qualify!

I am still wondering how someone could damage themselves in the eye with biscuit...

James sounds a little accident prone!

Dedene said...

As funny as British people are, you must see some real Americana!
Try out www.peopleofwalmart.com

Love the parkour article, don't they know that it's French, "parcour"?

Welshcakes Limoncello said...

Came back to tell you that my student loved the custard cream story, Angus!

angus said...

My pleasur Welshcakes, we aim to please:)