Thursday, 10 March 2011

Faggin hell: Carbon hatchback: Harmony of intent: Banking on a train: Up your Trossachs: Sole of a car: Neodymium attraction: Lasagne loser: and ladies sauntering.

A tad on the cool side at the Castle this morn, the butler has collected a new batch of fat teenagers for the furnace; the kitchen is empty of computers and I am still waking up at four of the am.
At about 9.30 last eve the phone rang, as I was doing my biz in the bathroom I didn’t get to it before the answer phone cut in and I heard “Deirdre, are you there?”, “Deirdre, Deirdre”, I picked the handset up and said “hello” to be greeted with “Deirdre?”
“Err, no, no Deirdre here, you must have a wrong number”
I want to speak to Deirdre, where is she?
“I don’t know, you have a wrong number”
I must speak to Deirdre, can you get her?”
“No Deirdre here-wrong number”
“Are you sure?”
Will you get Deirdre for me? I really need to speak to her

By now I was getting quite miffed, and said to the elderly lady.
“Sorry but Deirdre has run off with a Muslim Imam, and they have gone to live in Afghanistan”
Oh dear, and I really wanted to speak to her, do you have her phone number?”

You couldn’t make it up.

I see that smoker bashing has become the national sport of the Piss Poor Policies Coalition-again.
They have come up with the idea that if they hide all the fags and baccy under the counter no one will smoke.
And coming up is the cunning plan to only have white packaging on said consumables, which prompted “Paxo” Paxman to utter the daftest thing I have heard on the BBC-“so how will they know what they are buying?”
Because they will have the name on them you overpaid, arrogant twat.
I won’t go into the facts that smokers contribute billions to the purse in taxes, and that our contribution more than pays for any treatment we may need because of the filthy habit-unlike booze, no, I won’t go into that.
According to the PPP Coalition.
Or maybe…….

One of the first major manufacturers looking to take the plunge is BMW.
The luxury automobile maker has announced plans to build a range of electric city cars, under the sub-brand BMW-i, using lightweight carbon fibre passenger cabins.
The company has entered a partnership with German-based SGL Carbon, and together the firms plan to build a $100m (£62m) carbon fibre manufacturing plant in Washington State, USA.
VW has unveiled its own prototype carbon fibre car, the L1, suggesting that the company also sees a viable future for composite materials.
Not to be left behind, Audi and Mercedes-Benz have formed alliances with another German carbon fibre composite manufacturer, Voith.

The new cars will be so light that they will come with an anchor to stop them blowing away.

Apparently yesterday’s announcement by the Irritable Bowel Twins  (and Tommy Cooper impressionist) may not happen for a while-if at all.
All that happened on Tuesday is that Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Smith gave a speech making the case for reform.
He believes the current system is too complex and removes any incentive for people to save for their retirement. So he called for a "debate" to look at "options for simplifying the pensions system".
He said he was "working closely" with the Treasury on a new structure that would reward those who save. Chancellor George Osborne, he made clear, had been "seized of the importance of this project".
But Mr Duncan Smith did not say the new flat rate state pension will be £140 a week. He did not say how it would be paid for. He did not say when this policy may come into force.
He did not say when a much delayed green paper may be published - a document that in itself will be only a series of options to be considered. He did not say why people who have contributed national insurance all their lives should get the same pension as those who have not.
He did not say why rich pensioners should get a bigger state pension when richer parents are losing their child benefit.

He didn’t say much really did he? Thought it was a bit too good to be true.

A train has smashed into a bank in Melbourne's south.
The train overran a track at Sandringham station and crashed through a wall of the Bendigo Bank about 8.10pm (AEDT) on Wednesday.
Metro spokesman Chris Whitefield said no passengers were on the train and there was no disruption to services on the line this morning.
He said the train driver was performing a manoeuvre to turn the train around when the crash occurred and the incident would be investigated.
"We'll be doing what we do from a safety perspective in terms of our investigation, that will determine what happened, why it happened and recommendations and actions to make sure it doesn't happen again," Mr Whitefield said.

That’ll be a big withdrawal.

Thousands of copies of a new map of Loch Lomond have been withdrawn after complaints that an area was dubbed "giro bay".
Bosses at the Loch's authority announced the move today, saying the use of a "colloquialism" was an "error or judgement".

Previously unnamed areas in the park were also named after map makers and water rangers.

Fiona Logan, CEO of the Loch Lomond & The Trossachs National Park Authority said: "The National Park regret that we made an error in judgment in the initial print run of the new navigational chart for Loch Lomond.

"A colloquialism was included in the chart as were some previously un-named parts of the loch being named after the British Geological Society cartographers (map makers) and our most dedicated water rangers, who worked together on this mapping project over the last four years. This is a common cartographer tradition, we appreciate it is felt to be inappropriate in this instance.

"We are grateful to local people for drawing this to our attention. As soon as we realised our mistake, immediate action was taken and we withdrew the chart."

The map had been produced to update an 1861 copy.

A new chart, minus the controversial names, should be available within weeks park bosses said.
Harp of the North! that mouldering long hast hung
   On the witch-elm that shades Saint Fillan's spring
And down the fitful breeze thy numbers flung,
   Till envious ivy did around thee cling,
Muffling with verdant ringlet every string,--
   O Minstrel Harp, still must thine accents sleep?
Mid rustling leaves and fountains murmuring,
   Still must thy sweeter sounds their silence keep,
Nor bid a warrior smile, nor teach a maid to weep?
Walter Scott-the lady of the lake, no mention of Giros though.

A footwear manufacturer in China has made an electric car out of a giant shoe.
It can carry two people up to 250 miles at speeds of up to 20mph on a single charge of the battery underneath the driver's seat.
The leather 'bodywork' is made in the same way as a normal shoe but on a bigger scale, using the hide of five bulls.
A Kang Shoe company spokesman said it took six months to design and build the car at a cost of around £4,000.
The company demonstrated its bizarre vehicle outside its headquarters in Wenzhou in eastern China's Zhejiang Province.
Workers queued up for the chance to drive the shoe car which is 10ft long and more than three feet high.
Company president Wang Zhengtao says it is designed as a promotional tool and he plans to make 40 for stores around the country.

Bet the Bulls aren’t too chuffed about that.

The race to produce the earth’s strongest magnet containing neodymium and 16 other rare earth elements continues.

 I find that rather attractive.

Giancarlo Sabatini avoided Italian police for a decade on the run, but couldn't resist his wife's lasagne.
 Police say went into hiding in 2000, shortly after being given a 3-year, 8-month prison sentence in a cocaine trafficking case.
Acting on a tip, police staked out the homes of Sabatini's wife and daughter Tuesday in Rocca Priora, a town near Rome. When they spied the daughter leaving her mother's house and furtively dashing toward her home bearing a tray of lasagne, police, suspecting a secret guest, burst in and arrested Sabatini.
Many Italians prepare lasagne with meat sauce for lunch on the last Tuesday of Carnival. Police say Sabatini came from his hideout in Belgium to celebrate the last day before Lent with his family.

The way to getting nicked is though a man’s stomach.

And finally:

Ladies sauntering: (last one).

And today’s thought: Hell hath no fury like . . . the lawyer of a woman scorned.



James Higham said...

Love the new format, Angus and as usual - a bloody good read.

Angus said...

Mucky buckets James:) Much appreciated.

The wobbly weebly site which did fall down will disappear from the blogospher for good tomorrow, si if there is anything you want to "borrow" help yourself.