The Fat lady: Tottering on to 120: Porbeagle takes a bite of Currie: Crap Cockroaches: Golf cart boat-not: and Holy Rollers.

‘Tis decent-ish at the Castle this morn, sunny, warm, calm and dry, in reply to Bernard’s comment on Friday’s post the “polo” is a bit of parrotstyrene from the bottom of the box the plants came in and the “two pound” coin in just a bit of cardboard-the snail is dead.... 

Many, many thanks for all the kind words, comments and emails re yesterday’s post, six long years, seems like six hours, but life must go on.....

The Express is mourning the loss of the “Fat lady” a 30-year-old 61lb 6oz carp that was found floating in St Ives Lakes, Cambs. It had often been caught but always put back.

Anglers across the UK came to see her. Fishery owner Gordon Howes said: “The Fat Lady was such a draw.” 

Carp and chips in Cambridgeshire tonight then.......

According to “experts”

Babies born today could eventually spend half of their lives in retirement; ministers are expected to claim this week, as they set out the need for reform of the pension system.

A quarter of girls under 20 and a fifth of boys are already expected to live to 100, according to the Department for Work and Pensions. But medical advances and improved diets could mean people living even longer, with growing numbers celebrating their 110th or even 120th birthday. Most pensions are designed to fund around 20 years out of work.

The coalition is moving the state pension age to 66 for men and women by 2020, but future changes could be linked to life expectancy. Iain Duncan Smith, the Work and Pensions Secretary, previously warned that "in a country in which 11 million of us will live to be 100, we simply cannot go on paying the state pension at an age that was set early in the last century." 

I wonder how the next generation will take having to work to one hundred.

North of the border

An 8ft shark bit off more than it could chew when it came up against fisherman ­Hamish Currie.

The 52-year-old skipper ­struggled for two hours to land the 300lb monster, which his crewmates dubbed “The Beast”.

Hamish had to call on every one of his 45 years of experience as a fisherman as the dangerous Porbeagle shark rammed his 30ft rigid inflatable boat, sunk its teeth into the port side and bit into one of his ­crewmates’ boots.

Yesterday he described the ­moment he knew something out of the ordinary had taken a bite on his line.

“When she started ramming I knew she was a real bad fish, a wicked girl,” he said. “She took two bites and ­punctured the boat. I think she lost a couple of teeth when she took those chunks.

“I’ve landed loads of sharks over the years but she was by far the worst. They can be aggressive but she was really, really angry. She was unbelievable.”

“We had her on the boat for no more than five minutes before we threw her back.”

Porbeagles – which are closely related to the Great Whites ­featured in Hollywood thriller Jaws – have been known to attack ­humans, although it is rare. Three non-fatal attacks were recorded in 2009.

No Porbeagle and chips in Portnahaven tonight then....

East a lot to the “Dark Continent”

Kole Aboke, a teacher at St. Mary’s College, fell in a pit latrine in Central division on Saturday as he looked for cockroaches for a Biology practical lesson.

According to a source, the teacher was given money to buy 80 cockroaches for the lesson, but opted to look for the specimen himself. A Good Samaritan who helped pull out the teacher from the latrine said it took them one hour to rescue him.

The teacher had reportedly collected 40 cockroaches by the time he fell in the latrine.

Ochan, an eye witness of the rescue mission, said the teacher first took local brew with his colleagues before he left to collect the specimens. Ochan said the teacher sustained minor injuries and was rushed to Megwa clinic in Lira town.

That’ll teach him to be a cheapskate.

North of the border again

During yesterday's Ricoh women's British Open at Carnoustie this golf buggy ended up in Barry Burn.

No name was being given out by tight-lipped tournament officials, who confirmed only that the driver had been a support technician for the broadcaster ESPN, who leaped clear as the vehicle approached the edge. 

That’ll teach him to rely on sat nav.....

And finally: 

Wheeley fast Nuns

The Peirogi Parade in Whiting, Ind., is billed as one-of-a-kind and off the wall, and on Friday night the Holy Rollers made the parade even more memorable.

The Holy Rollers are nuns from the Carmelite Order of St. Joseph. They were on roller skates, making their first appearance in the parade.

The Peirogi Festival is a celebration of Whiting's Eastern European heritage. Among the attractions are 19 peirogi vendors serving polish dumplings stuffed with an assortment of fillings including alligator.

The festival runs through Sunday in downtown Whiting.

Wonder if there are Plumbers Pole Vaulting with copper pipe?

That’s it: I’m orf to tap into my brain

And today’s thought:  The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.

 Angus

"M"

30-4-1951 to 30-7-2005

Do not shed tears when I have gone but smile instead because I have lived.

Do not shut your eyes and pray to God that I'll come back but open your eyes and see all that I have left behind.

I know your heart will be empty because you cannot see me but still I want you to be full of the love we shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live only for yesterday or you can be happy for tomorrow because of what happened between us yesterday.

You can remember me and grieve that I have gone or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.

You can cry and lose yourself, become distraught and turn your back on the world or you can do what I want - smile, wipe away the tears, learn to love again and go on.

   "P"

Booming guilty: Afghan billions: Lotta bottle: Truck Nutz: Just one Gelato: Toyota submarine: and Christmas at Harrods.

Same again at the Castle this morn-cloudy, dull, dry and tepid, the bench is painted and varnished, the garden is finally fettled, the study is still empty and I am still knackered.

 I have cut the stump of the california lilac into a seat so that any passing Gnomes can have a rest (click on the pics for a closer look).

According to Auntie

Apparently we old fart baby boomers are the cause of all ills in dear old Blighty, and many young people in Britain are set to be in a worse economic position than their parents.

Shiv Malik, author of Jilted Generation - a book which examines the prospects for the 80s generation onwards - looks at his peers and sees further evidence of the impact a financially tight future is having on young people.

James Morris, pollster with Greenberg Quinlan Rosner and former speechwriter for Ed Miliband, says his research confirms Shiv's observation across generational lines.

Angus Hanton a baby boomer himself, reckons that there are some signs of sympathy among the baby boomer generation. He has founded a new think-tank called The Intergenerational Foundation to lobby for fairness between the generations.

He sees clear culpability on the part of his older peers.

"Let's take my own house [which] I bought 16 years ago for £160,000. It's in south-east London. It's now worth about £1.15m.

"So I've gained a million pound windfall to which I do not feel entitled, and that windfall, at the moment, is tax-free. Were I to sell [the house], there's no tax on that gain."

“It may appear very lucky for me, but the reality is when I sell, it will probably be to a younger person who'll be getting a mortgage and spending most of their working life paying off that windfall which went to me. I don't think that's fair."

So sell it and give the money away then, and let’s not forget the REAL reason for the state of the economy-greedy bankers, Piss Poor Government Policies, unrealistic valuations put on houses by Numpty estate agents, and the “I want it now” attitude of certain people who were given credit cards by institutions who knew that it was a risk but wanted the interest payments.

I do feel sorry for the “younger” generation but I am tired of the whinging and the endless “look at me I am a victim” mantra emanating from those who just want it all but don’t want to get orf their arses and spend fifty years working for it.

Boomers didn’t have it handed to them on a plate, we worked hard, saved hard and now that we are getting towards retirement “they” don’t want us to keep what we have earned.

 Grow up and get on with it.....

 

And talking of Piss Poor Policies

Britain has spent more than £18 billion on the war in Afghanistan and significantly underestimated the cost of the campaign in Libya.

The five-year conflict in Helmand is officially estimated to have cost about £4 billion a year, according to Ministry of Defence figures published in a Commons defence committee report.

But the panel of MPs accused the MoD of hiding the true cost of the war by refusing to disclose millions of unseen expenses.

The report added that the bombing campaign in Libya is projected at £260 million if it lasts six months – significantly higher than forecasts made by George Osborne, the Chancellor, in March.

When the first attacks on Col Gaddafi’s forces commenced four months ago, the Chancellor claimed that the cost to Britain would be “in the order of tens of millions of pounds, not hundreds of millions”.

 

My fault because I am nearly sixty..........

Right a fair bit to the land of “alternative” medicine

An unnamed 60-year-old got himself into a spot of bother when he slid a milk bottle too far up his rear-end and couldn't remove it.

Distressed at the situation he immediately presented himself to a hospital in Zhuai, China, where he told staff what had happened.

He claims he was constipated and was attempting a rather unorthodox method of stimulating his bowel. 

Wonder if it was silver or gold top?

In the land of the deficit and the home of the homeless

The police chief of a small South Carolina town will ask a jury to decide if a woman broke the state's obscenity laws by driving a pickup truck with plastic testicles hanging from the back.

Bonneau Police Chief Franco Fuda ticketed Virginia Tice, 65, in early July at a local convenience store after spying the adornment dangling from her truck.

South Carolina law considers a bumper sticker, decal or device indecent when it describes, in an offensive way as determined by contemporary community standards, "sexual acts, excretory functions, or parts of the human body."

The offense carries a maximum fine of $445 but no jail time, Fuda said.

Lawmakers in some states have sought to ban the colourful plastic or rubber devices that go by brand names such as Bulls Balls and Truck Nutz.

 Load of old bollocks...

Left a lot to the land of fast cars and pasta

Thousands of sweet-toothed students from around the world are travelling to Italy to take up a place at a university offering a course in ice cream making.

This year, around 12,000 enrolled to study at the Gelato University hoping to become schooled in the art of making real Italian ice cream.

The university is near Bologna at the headquarters of Carpigiani, the leading global manufacturer of ice cream making machines.

As well as practical courses, students attend technical lectures to learn traditional methods of making gelato. Marketing and management are also on the curriculum.

The courses cost around £700-a-week and students - who come from as far afield as Australia and Sierra Leone - stay in a local hotel.

Those who want to open their own ice cream parlours may have to invest heavily in their dreams, but the rewards can be huge.

As well as the satisfaction of making their own delicious sweet creations, a litre of ice cream costs little to make and can be sold for a tasty profit.

Cor...net.

Left even more

Numpty Wojciech Lapinski took a short cut to dodge traffic on a family day trip - and ended up out of his depth.

Lapinski, 35 - from Gdansk, Poland - didn't realise the tunnel had been flooded by a broken sewer and came to a halt in his Toyota in three feet of water.

Fire-fighters and police rescued the driver and his 86-year-old mum Izabella from the stranded car.

But she said: "It did put a bit of a dampener on the day."

 Another re-call for Toyota?

 And finally:

 Up in the Smoke

It is a tradition for Harrods to start their Christmas festivities early, but this year is the earliest in their entire history. At 8 am, 28th July, Harrods opened their Christmas range to the public.

Harrods stressed the need for the early launch, saying that there is an increasing demand from international shoppers for Christmas products.

“The peak for international shoppers begins at the start of July so we tried to cater to this early demand where possible," said a spokesman.

Part of the Christmas range includes exclusive ‘12 ice-creams of Christmas’ collection.

Flavours include Mince Pie, Christmas Pudding with Brandy Butter, and the rather peculiar Brussels Sprout. The flavours were chosen after a survey about what foods makes people feel the most ‘Christmassy’.

The ice-cream will be available to sample from this weekend.

This years’ theme is ‘A Crystal Christmas inspired by Swarovski,’ so customers can expect a glittering exhibition.

There are over 250,000 decorations alone, and prices in the store range from £1.95 for a tree decoration, to £2,999 for a life-sized Santa Claus ornament.

And for the first time there will be an ice-rink on the roof.

Fuck off........its July for what’s his/her name's sake.....

That’s it: I’m orf to sketch a spaceship

 

And today’s thought: Computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1 1/2 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949

 

Angus

Oligopoly of IT: Less for less: Up the chimney: Bentley blonde: Resurfaced Numptys: Golf upping: and Pippa gets some TLC.

Not sure about the nature stuff this morn at the Castle-dull, dingy, dry and humid, just one last thing to fettle in the garden-sand down and re varnish the bench then I can rest on my wrinkled old arse for a while (when the varnish has dried).

The study is bereft of any sort of ICU needing computers, and if this is what retirement is like I think I will keep working, I have never been so knackered.

I see that Government departments have been ripped off by an "oligopoly" of IT giants, a damning report by a committee of MPs has found.

Some were paying as much as 10 times the commercial rate for equipment and up to £3,500 on a single desktop PC.

The public administration committee said an "obscene amount of public money" was being wasted on IT.

Committee chairman, Conservative MP Bernard Jenkin, said that, according to some sources, the government had paid contractors between seven and 10 times more than the standard rate.

But ministers themselves did not collect the information required to verify these claims, he added.

No surprises there then, they should have come to the Dei.

And U-Turn Cam is a liar

Back in June this year he said “Yes, in many ways the NHS is providing some of the best service it ever has.
But we have to be honest.

We're wasting too much money on empty bureaucracy when it could be spent on the frontline.
In the past two decades, NHS spending has more than doubled in real terms from £38bn to £103bn.”

More over-stretch, more over-crowding, the NHS buckling under the pressure of an ageing population and the rising cost of treatments and the principle we all hold dear and we all want to keep of free healthcare for all who need it when they need it precious principle coming under threat.

We cannot let that happen, and we will not let that happen.

 Today.

Hip replacements, cataract surgery and tonsil removal are among operations now being rationed in a bid to save the NHS money.

Two-thirds of health trusts in England are rationing treatments for "non-urgent" conditions as part of the drive to reduce costs in the NHS by £20bn over the next four years. One in three primary-care trusts (PCTs) has expanded the list of procedures it will restrict funding to in the past 12 months.

Examples of the rationing now being used include:

* Hip and knee replacements only being allowed where patients are in severe pain. Overweight patients will be made to lose weight before being considered for an operation.

* Cataract operations being withheld from patients until their sight problems "substantially" affect their ability to work.

* Patients with varicose veins only being operated on if they are suffering "chronic continuous pain", ulceration or bleeding.

* Tonsillectomy (removing tonsils) only to be carried out in children if they have had seven bouts of tonsillitis in the previous year.

* Grommets to improve hearing in children only being inserted in "exceptional circumstances" and after monitoring for six months.

* Funding has also been cut in some areas for IVF treatment on the NHS.

Birmingham is looking at reducing operations in gastroenterology, gynaecology, dermatology and orthopaedics. Parts of east London were among the first to introduce rationing, where some patients are being referred for homeopathic treatments instead of conventional treatment.

 

Liar, liar pants on fire.......

According to Digby Jones

Children should be allowed to leave school at 14 and start work to boost Britain’s economy, the former head of the Confederation of British Industry has said.

Disruptive pupils would be better off abandoning mainstream education and “earning a few bob” to encourage growth, Lord Jones of Birmingham believes.

The former Labour Trade Minister said British businesses are struggling through a lack of skilled young people, meaning employers are forced to hire workers from overseas.

Allowing youngsters to embark on vocational training and get jobs at 14 would fill the skills gap while stimulating economic growth through increased spending, Lord Jones said.

It’s a shame that hardly anyone has a working chimney anymore-loads of prospects there for illiterate children, or how about bringing back national service?

 That would solve the problem of our shrinking armed forces and I can’t see a problem with 14 year olds running around with guns.......

Over in Monte Carlo

A fair haired lady driver turned a parade of some of the world's most expensive cars into a demolition derby when she scraped her Bentley against an $111,000 Mercedes S class.

After scraping the Benz, the driver didn't hit the brakes in time to stop ramming a $207,000 black Ferrari F430, a Porsche 911 worth $118,000 and a $207,000 Aston Martin Rapide.

Despite the fact her 2.7 tonne Bentley involved more than $1m worth of luxury machinery, the cost of repairs is expected to reach just $60,000. 

Cheap at half the blonde...

 Back in Blighty

Up in Worcester.

Some caring, intelligent Council workers resurfaced a road – but left a neat, unsealed rectangle under a parked car.
Residents watched in disbelief as crews worked around the Fiat Punto. “Its madness, the road will look ridiculous,” said one local in Worcester. A county council spokesman said the patch will be filled in later, at no extra cost.

If they were 14 year old “disruptive” teens they would have hot-wired it.

Over to the left

A golf buggy replica of a Ferrari will set you back almost £20,000 but is guaranteed to make fellow players see red with jealousy.

All the usual extras are available for the F5 vehicle, described by its maker as ‘more like a sports car than a Golf cart’.

They include alloy wheels, a hard top and leather seats.

And its battery-powered motor can hit 32kph (20mph) and last for three rounds of golf.

And if a classic Italian sports car doesn’t appeal, a Bentley and Rolls-Royce are also available.

 Waste of a good ride........

And finally: 

Pippa Middleton is to be honoured with a special documentary Crazy About Pippa on American network TLC, after causing a stir on both sides of the Atlantic.

Mass hysteria has surrounded Pippa Middleton since she served as maid of honour at Prince William & her sister Kate Middleton’s royal wedding in April.

Such is the interest in the future Queen’s sister, both in the UK and in the US, that cable network TLC have decided to broadcast a documentary with Pippa as the sole focus.

Crazy About Pippa will air on Tuesday, 9th August at 9pm where ‘those closest to Pippa provide insight into the life and work of the future Queen of England’s sister.

The show will also reveal that her new brother-in-law Prince Harry refers to her as a ‘foxy filly’.

Pippa has been declared Britain’s most eligible bachelorette by the US network but is perhaps more famous for her pert posterior.

Despite the infamous bum being barely visible at the royal wedding underneath her ivory silk dress, it somehow garnered a mass following online, with 237,000 people joining the Pippa Middleton A** Appreciation Society page on Facebook. 

Oh great....

 That’s it: I’m orf to measure what is left of my brain 

And today’s thought: Happiness is good health and . . . a bad memory.

Angus

It wasn’t George O: Swiss Virgin: Navel gazing: Air con clothes: Mooving go juice: and The wheels on the bus.

Still gloomy at the Castle this morn, no new entries for the most cocked up computer tournament, hits on the site have plummeted, the garden is almost fettled and the back is bloody agony.

Late again this early light thing, I blame the weather-or lack of it.

Apart from that life is grand....

I see that the “nearby” Hindhead tunnel under the Devils punchbowl is finally going to open.

After four and a half years and £371 million the 1.25 mile long twin bore white Elephant will be available to motorists on the A3 from today (well half of it will be).

The tunnel, which will be used by 30,000 vehicles a day, runs under the bowl, which is a large hollow of dry, sandy heath, to the east of Hindhead.

The existing A3, between the National Trust cafe and Boundless Road, will be closed to through-traffic after the tunnel is opened in both directions.

The opening ceremony will not be open to the public for "safety and operational reasons", the Highways Agency said.

 Ah the old Twin bore Elfandsafety defence.....

And apparently the Piss Poor economic balls up isn’t Son of a B.....aronet George (Reptilian alien in disguise) Osborne’s fault-according to the Office for National statistics.

It seems that the royal wedding, unseasonably warm weather and the impact of Japan's tsunami are to blame.

The Office for National Statistics said the figures had been hit by the extra bank holiday to mark the royal wedding, the unseasonably warm weather in April and the impact of Japan's tsunami and calculated that growth would have been 0.7 per cent without those one-off factors. 

Yeah right, and if we had some Ham we could have Ham and Eggs-if we had some Eggs....

And just to piss orf George O a bit more

Beardy Branson is is to move a key part of his Virgin empire to Switzerland, leading to renewed concerns over the business environment in Britain.

The company that owns the rights to the Virgin brand around the world is planning to relocate from London to Geneva in the coming weeks in a move that will reduce its tax bill.

What business environment?

Over in the land of the debt and the home of Quantative easing

The Belly Button Biodiversity study, by North Carolina State University, asked 95 volunteers to allow a team of microbiologists to take swabs from inside their navels.

And their results may just inspire you to spend a few more minutes scrubbing yours tomorrow morning.

Although researchers found some 1400 strains, 80 per cent were identified as from 40 fairly common species of bacteria, mainly harmless skin dwellers.

But the amount of belly button bacteria present on volunteers varied depending on how well they scrubbed their navels.

New Scientist journalist Peter Aldhous washes regularly and, as a result, no bacterial colonies were found in his belly button.

But fellow science writer Carl Zimmer was hosting at least 53 species, some of which had a surprising provenance, only having been found in soil in Japan.

Can’t see the bacteria for the fluff in mine.....

 East a fair few doo dahs

A small Japanese company may have the answer to help you keep cool: shirts equipped with their own air conditioning units.

With Japan facing power shortages and energy restrictions in the aftermath of an earthquake and tsunami this past March, the demand for the air-conditioned jackets with built-in fans designed by Kuchofuku Co. Ltd. has soared.

The least expensive garment costs around 11,000 yen or $130 US dollars. But for the price, those wearing the lithium-ion battery-powered jacket can bask in cool air for up to 11 hours on a single charge, consuming far less power than that used by a normal air conditioner, 

Do they do one with a heater in?

Apparently a Cow’s stomach could hold the key to creating more environmentally friendly versions of petrol and diesel.

Scientists are investigating how enzymes found in the stomachs of cattle and other ruminants could be used on an industrial scale to break down the tough structures of plant and tree matter.

The discovery and application of the enzymes could help energy in waste plant and tree products in order to make renewable fuel.

The study is being carried out by life sciences company Ingenza with Professor John Wallace from the Rowett Institute in Aberdeen and ARK-Genomics at Edinburgh's Roslin Institute. 

And if they succeed the Gov will slap three hundred percent tax on it.

 And finally:

 Over in the land of noodles and Numptys

Chinese bus driver who was pushing his pink pride and joy to the limit during peak hour traffic didn't even realise the rear wheels had rolled away.

Thinking that it was just a pot hole that had damaged the buses suspension, 48-year-old driver Shi Shao continued puttering along until worried passengers rang the bell and notified him that the entire back end was scraping along the ground.

With sparks flying from the undercarriage Mr Shi immediately stopped in the middle of a busy road to wait for a tow truck. However, as a result the bus brought rush hour traffic in the city of Shaoyang to a standstill.

I had a motor like that once-think it was a Vauxhall.....

That’s it: I’m orf to dismantle the time machine I was working on.

 And today’s thought: If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

 

Angus

U-Turn Cam-still no plan “B”: Yet another 180 by the Coalition: Video games Kids: Bog orf Dahn Unda: Pepper Roo: and the Taxman runneth out of paper.

Summer seems to be over (again) at the Castle this morn, cloudy, cold, dismal, dingy, damp and dodgy.

I think I overdid the fettling in the garden yesterday-done my back and right shoulder while trying to avoid slicing his Maj into pieces with the hedge trimmer.

Knackered......

 I see that they have started to restore the Victory dahn in Pompey.

A crane has begun removing the masts of HMS Victory in Portsmouth as major restoration of Admiral Lord Nelson's flagship gets under way.

The project was described as the ship's "most extensive restoration" since the 1805 Battle of Trafalgar, during which Lord Nelson was killed onboard Victory.

The ship's three masts, bowsprit and rigging will all be dismantled.

It will be the first time since World War II that Victory has been seen without its top masts.

Recent survey work revealed the ship was leaking, suffering from rot and was being pulled apart by its own weight.

I know how it feels.

And as the economy sinks as fast as the temperature

U-turn Cam poured cold water on hopes that tax cuts or a fresh round of money-printing may be deployed to stimulate the economy, on the eve of what are expected to be weak growth figures.

Business Secretary Vince Cable yesterday suggested that the Bank of England could stimulate a sluggish economy with a further injection of money through so-called "quantitative easing", while Chancellor George Osborne has hinted that he would like to cut taxes on business.

But Dave insisted that there was no leeway for either fiscal stimulus through tax cuts or public spending increases, or monetary stimulus in the form of the Bank reducing interest rates or printing money.

 

So what are you going to do then Prime Minister?

The Millionaires Club Coalition

Has reneged on yet another “promise”, The DNA of more than one million innocent people will not be wiped from police records.

Instead the police will retain DNA profiles in anonymised form, leaving open the possibility of connecting them up with people's names, ministers have admitted.

The admission appears to break a Coalition commitment to delete all innocent profiles, apart from those accused of violent or sex crimes, from police databases.

Civil liberties groups accused the Government of a “disgraceful U-turn” and a “breach of promise” to destroy innocent people’s DNA.

 

Nowt new there then...

 Over to the East

According to the Sanxiang City News, a Chinese couple sold their kids to buy and play video games at Internet cafes, the second child of Li Lin and Li Juan was sold for less than $500, while their first and third child were sold for around $4600 shortly after.

The couple was turned in after Li Lin, the father, told his mother what happened. She took them to the police, where they apparently showed no remorse.

The parents are young and naive, so when asked about their nefarious deeds, they stated that they were unaware what they were doing is illegal. “We didn’t want to raise them,” they said. “We just want to sell them for some money.”

The couple met in an Internet cafe in 2007, and shortly after meeting quickly consummated the relationship and moved in together, spending most of their time playing video games in Internet cafes. Shortly after their first child was born in 2008, they left it at home and traveled 30km to play video games. 

Seems like a bargain to me...

 

Dahn Unda

A member of the Royal Australian Air Force is in serious condition after the portable toilet he was using exploded.

The Australian department of defence reported the man went into the toilet during a military exercise around 9:30 a.m. Monday. It exploded moments later.

The man was rushed to hospital with severe burns.

"The cause of the explosion is unknown and is being investigated," Brig. Bob Brown said in a statement.

The Courier-Mail newspaper reported it's believed the man may have lit a cigarette inside the portable toilet, causing it to explode.

 

See how dangerous smoking is.

Still Dahn Unda

Police have used capsicum spray to subdue a kangaroo that attacked a 94-year-old woman in her backyard at Charleville in south-west Queensland.

Senior Sergeant Stephen Perkins says officers were called to the incident on Sunday afternoon.

"The officers had to use their [capsicum spray] on the kangaroo to avoid being attacked. Once the kangaroo was sprayed it left the immediate area," he said.

"Quite often dogs do attack police officers and we are forced to use capsicum spray on the dogs to [avoid] being bitten, but never on a kangaroo."

Phyllis Johnson is recovering in hospital from her ordeal.

 Good job I have just planted some pepper plants-just in case.

 And finally:

Paperless HMRC

HMRC was due to send out millions of reminder letters to those who owed monies to be paid by July 31.

But several hundred thousand people have still not received the reminders after HMRC officials failed to order enough paper on which to print the letters.

Officials apologised for the error and insisted that no one would be left out of pocket as those who did not receive reminders would be given an extra 30 days to pay without incurring interest charges.

It is understood that officials failed to increase the paper order in line with an unexpected rise in the number of statements being issued this year.

An HMRC spokesman said: “Due to exceptionally high demand this year we are experiencing delays in sending paper self assessment tax statements to customers.

 Really gives you confidence-doesn’t it?

 

That’s it: I’m orf to have a lie down...

And today’s thought: If you want to be happy for a year, plant a garden; If you want to be happy for life, plant a tree.

Angus

Testing times: Lansley takes on pensions: Croc of a tour: New Hampshire lemon: Be careful what you wish for: and Down your Manhole.

Splendiferous start to the morn at the Castle this light thing, sunny, calm, warmish and dry, did some fettling in the garden yesterday, his Maj was out there from six of the am to nine of the pm, and there are no new broken additions to the empty study, looks like I may get a holiday after all. 

I see that the land of the debt and the home of the needy is having problems sorting out its deficit.

Apparently the US risks default on its $14.3tn (£8.7tn) debt without a deal to raise the borrowing limit before 2 August.

At this point the US Treasury could run out of money to pay all of its bills - which could lead to interest rate rises, threaten the US economic recovery and in turn the global recovery.

Here we go again-what is a “trillion”?

And the Pilchards in the House of un-Commons have finally found out that Atos is a load of old crap.

Atos is responsible for carrying out the government's drive to assess everyone claiming incapacity benefit, to decide whether they may actually be well enough to work. Atos staff are testing around 11,000 benefit claimants a week, to determine how ill they really are and whether they are eligible for benefit payments.

Since the last government launched a campaign to cut the number of sickness benefits claimants, the process has been controversial, with charities and politicians warning that vulnerable people have wrongly had vital payments removed.

On Tuesday a select committee will publish a detailed and critical report on the way the Department for Work and Pensions policy has been implemented, looking in part at the way Atos has carried out its contract to assess claimants. The work and pensions committee launched its investigation this year after many complaints about the testing process.

More than 400,000 appeals have been lodged against decisions not to grant the benefit since it was launched in October 2008, and 39% have been successful. The tribunal’s service has been forced to double the number of staff handling appeals, to accommodate the huge volume of complaints. The cost of tribunals is estimated at well over £30m a year.

Atos, a Paris-based IT company, is being paid £100m a year to carry out the work capability assessments (WCAs), allowing the government to phase out incapacity benefit and replace it with the employment and support allowance (ESA).

 No mates “Doctors” being paid by a French company and funded by the UK Gov...No wonder it doesn’t bloody work.

Health Secretary Andrew Lansley, the man who is doing such a spiffing job bollixing up the NHS has now turned his attention to public service pensions.

Mr Lansley warns that the reforms outlined last month will not meet the Coalition’s “commitment to maintain gold standard pensions”.

He says the proposals are set to prompt public sector workers to stop contributing to their pensions which “would increase pressure on the social security budget” as people rely on state benefits to fund their retirement.

The Health Secretary describes parts of the reform proposals as “inappropriate” and “unrealistic” and warns they will hit women health workers particularly hard.  

Says the man who has a nice “gold plated” pension stowed away....

Dahn Unda

NT News photographer Katrina Bridgeford took this amazing photograph of Brutus, a 5.5m saltwater croc on the Adelaide River, just over 100km south of Darwin, last week.

Ms Bridgeford was on the cruise with sons Jordan, 14, and Dylan Woodward, 11, of Sydney, NSW, four-year-old niece Skye Bridgeford and boyfriend Daniel Wilson.

Son Dylan had only two words when the massive man-eater rose out of the water in front of the group: "Holy crap!''

 

Bet some poo came out.....

Across the Pacific

Police say a man angry that a New Hampshire car dealer wouldn't take back the van he bought returned to the dealership and deliberately crashed into six other vehicles.

David Cross of Salisbury, Mass. is facing six counts of criminal mischief. He's been released on personal recognizance.

Police say Cross bought the van from the Portsmouth Used Car Superstore on Monday. After a mechanic found it had a host of problems, he tried to return it on Tuesday, but was spurned by the dealer. The 42-year-old allegedly drove back to the dealership just before midnight Tuesday and rammed the van into the other vehicles, causing about $20,000 in damages.

Cross tells The Portsmouth Herald the van was a "lemon" and he was driven by anger. 

If it was that bad how come he managed to drive it from Massachusetts to New Hampshire?

Nearly Dahn Unda

Researchers hoping to photograph great white sharks got what they wished for when a 500 kilogram beast flew through the air and landed in their boat.

The Oceans Research group were in Mossel Bay, South Africa, on Monday, putting fish oil and bait in the water to attract sharks so they could take photographs of their fins for identification.

"Usually when we do that we get a certain amount of sharks around the boat, which happened on Monday," team leader Dorien Schroder told the BBC.

"Until I heard a splash and I looked back to see a white shark pretty much mid-air hovering above one of my interns”

"Luckily the intern stepped towards me ... so I grabbed her by her shirt and pulled her on to a platform that we have at the stern of the boat.

"[The shark] was panicking because it did not intend to land on the boat; it thought it would land back into the water.

The shark's heavy landing cut the fuel lines, so the research team called for help from another boat and the crew came to help pull the shark back into the water.

When that failed, the boat was towed into a harbour, while researchers poured water on the shark's gills to keep it alive, and the animal was lifted into the water using a crane.

 Bet a lot of poo came out....

 And finally:

A California man got stuck headfirst in a manhole for about 40 minutes when he tried to retrieve his wallet, police say.

Ceres police officers found Jared Medeiros, 21, of Ceres stuck waist deep in a manhole Friday, Sacramento's KCRA-TV reported. When they arrived, his legs were flailing in the air.

The fire department had to be called in to help pull out Medeiros after he couldn't be budged. He was stuck for about 40 minutes.

Police said Medeiros only suffered some minor scrapes and contusions. They also found that he was intoxicated, but not impaired, the TV station said. 

Numpty....

 That’s it: I’m orf to Chile to watch the stars.

 And today’s thought: "It's all right leaping about the stage when you're 20 but when you get to 25 it gets a bit embarrassing - Bill Wyman, The Rolling Stones, 1967.

Angus