Home alone: U-Turn Cam and Clarkson: No coins for the meter: Nuckin Futs: Solar Numptys: and a fat cat.

Lack of low levels of liquid metal at the Castle this morn, the white crusty stuff has been replaced with damp, drizzly downpours, the study is overflowing with ornery ‘orrors and his Maj has presented me with a new stick.

The latest “idea” from the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Is to ‘encourage’ those of us who are not as young as we would like to be to move into smaller properties so that councils can rent out our homes to families.

The scheme - announced by Housing Minister Grant Shapps - is intended to ease pressure on young families at a time when many are struggling to find affordable accommodation.

Under the plans, local authorities would offer to help pensioners living in family homes to find more suitable places to live.

The councils would then take over responsibility for maintaining the property and renting it out at affordable rates, returning any profit to the elderly person or their estate.

Just remember you ignorant, arrogant tosspots-every old fart has a vote....

And U-Turn Dave

Has resolved to distance himself from the Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, after embarrassing him once again, Cameron has decided to put as much clear blue water as possible between himself and Jeremy Clarkson, whose latest jape was to involve the Prime Monster in an edition of Top Gear which resulted in a complaint to the BBC from the Indian High Commission over its lack of cultural sensitivity. “The Prime Minister has no plans to see Mr Clarkson in the foreseeable future,” one of Cameron’s most senior aides said.

Clarkson joins a growing list of individuals that the PM is now straining not to be seen with. It includes Rebekah Brooks, the disgraced former News International boss, and her one-time colleague, Andy Coulson, whom Cameron hired as his director of communications because he felt that he deserved “a second chance.”

When he last encountered Clarkson, unexpectedly, at a private gathering in Chipping Norton on New Year’s Eve, not long after he had seen the crass Indian edition of Top Gear and decided that he “did not like it,” Cameron turned on his heel.

Still U-Turning then.....

 

The Royal Mint

Has come up with a way to stop us going to town, snacking and making phone calls; millions of 5p and 10p coins could be rejected by parking meters, vending machines and payphones as the Royal Mint rolls out new-sized coins from this month.

The new coins will be slightly thicker, and customers will be left fumbling through their change to find a coin that will be accepted, since some machines will no longer take the old-style coins while others will reject the new ones.

The new coins were originally meant to be introduced last year, but were delayed because of a campaign from the vending industry. They are a cost-saving exercise for the Government, because the current coins are made of an alloy of copper and nickel, which has become more expensive. The new coins, which the Royal Mint started to produce at the beginning of January, are made of steel.

According to the Government’s own impact assessment of the introduction of the new coins, they will save the Treasury between £7m and £8m a year. However, the cost to industry and local councils of the transition will be around £80m over two years.

 

Who voted these wankers in to power? Oh yes-no one....

Dahn Unda

A snack called Nuckin Futs will go on sale after a lawyer's successful argument that the word "f..." is a normal part of Australian speech and so cannot be deemed offensive under trademark rules.

The trademark application for "Nuckin Futs" was at first rejected by the register as being scandalous and offensive due to its similarity to the phrase "f...ing nuts".

The Trade Marks Examiner ruled that "Nuckin Futs" was an "obvious spoonerism" and deemed it ineligible for registration under section 42 of the Trade Marks Act.

Under the law such terms must be rejected if likely to be regarded as shameful, offensive or shocking to the ordinary person.

But solicitor Jamie White, Director of law firm Pod Legal, who submitted the application on behalf of his Gold Coast client, argued that "Nuckin Futs" was not offensive because it was commonplace in everyday Australian language.

In a five-page legal document, seen by news.com.au, which catalogues the history of controversial product names, Mr White argued the words "f..." or "f...ing" were "now part of the universal discourse of the ordinary Australian".

Mr White assured the Examiner that the product, mostly comprising of edible nuts, would not be marketed to children as his client only intended to sell it in pubs, nightclubs and other entertainment venues.

The trade mark is due for registration in April 2012.

Cupid Stunts...

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Solar panels were fitted on a council house – facing AWAY from the sun.

Tenant Gerald Evans pointed it out to the fitters but claims he was ignored.

The retired labourer said he pointed out that the panelling would be best at the front of the property where it would be exposed to the majority of the sunlight during the day

But he said: "I was told the correct positioning had been assessed using a compass."

They continued with the original plan of putting the panels at the rear of his home, on the roof over a bedroom and kitchen.

The contractor, social housing refurbishment specialists, Forrest later apologised for the error on a bungalow in Chirk, near Wrexham.

They have agreed to fix them the right way round free of charge.

And buy a new compass...

And finally:

Over to the left

The Fredericton SPCA is fundraising to help Tiny the cat live up to his name.

Margo Bird, the executive director of the Fredericton SPCA, said Tiny was dropped off in a box on Dec. 30.

But she said staff members originally assumed the box contained a donation of office supplies or pet food: until the box meowed.

“Lo and behold, there was our 30-pound wonder. Tiny and another normal-size cat Rapunzel, he was tucked underneath Tiny. So, I think, they were happy to get out of the box, to say the least,” Bird said.

Tiny is a friendly male with long grey fur and green eyes and, the SPCA says, he weighed 13.5 kilograms when he was dropped off.

Tiny is the largest cat they have ever seen at the Fredericton SPCA. He is three times the size of an average cat.

Tiny moved to a foster home on Thursday and a local veterinarian has volunteered to monitor his diet free of charge.

The Fredericton SPCA has launched a weight loss challenge to help fundraise to pay for Tiny’s food.

The canned cat food is estimated to cost $4 to $5 per day.

Bless.....

 That’s it: I’m orf to build a Lough generator in the moat.

 And today’s thought:

Angus

Wineing MPs: Bung-a-low price on two faced Minister: Fine lines: Bum auction lot: Magnetic stools: Flying pussy: and Rodent retrieval.

Cold, crisp, crusty and calm at the Castle this morn, the butler is feeding the furnace with fat teenagers like there is no tomorrow and his Maj has discovered the joy of sleeping on my head during the dark thing.

Up in the smoke

Allegedly The House of Commons has spent £275,000 over the past two years on taxpayer-subsidised wine and champagne.

The Commons wine cellar was filled with 44,000 bottles for MPs and their staff to enjoy in the Palace of Westminster’s unlicensed bars and restaurants.

It includes £28,000 on 1,838 bottles of champagne and £11,100 on 1,470 bottles of sparkling wine.

The wine was bought by the House of Commons catering and retail service, which has received a state subsidy of £11.5m over the past two years.

It amounts to a top-up of 42 per cent - meaning the taxpayer contribution to the wine bill was the equivalent of £115,000, or £176 per MP.

No fewer than 69 different wines were bought, including 47 bottles of the highly-rated Chateau de Fonbel 2003, at a cost of £932; 144 bottles of Joseph Drouhin Cote de Nuits-Villages, costing £1,854; and 204 bottles of Sancerre Domaine de Raimbault, costing £2,455.

The authorities also spent more than £40,000 on 7,300 bottles of sauvignon blanc and £24,000 on 5,000 bottles of Merlot.

The taxpayer subsidy means MPs can enjoy drinks at prices far lower than those found in high street wine bars, with wine from £2.35 a glass.

Which does explain some of the “Pissed” Poor Policies being made law at the tipsy temple of sots.

And up a smidge from the Smoke

Apparently a Cabinet minister sold her home close to the proposed High Speed 2 rail link just two months before the Government gave the go-ahead to the controversial project.

Cheryl Gillan, the Welsh secretary, sold the house in Amersham, Bucks, last November for £320,000 – just weeks before the Government gave the go-ahead to the £32 billion scheme.

The 17th century terraced house lies 500 yards from the proposed Birmingham to London train route.

Mrs Gillan had been one of the leading opponents to HS2 on the Tories’ benches and had previously threatened to resign if the project was given the green light.

However, after the government signalled its intention to press ahead with the scheme last Tuesday, Gillian emphasised the “good progress” that has been made in mitigating the effects of the new rail route in her constituency with longer tunnels.

A spokesman for the Welsh Secretary confirmed that the house was sold in November last year for 20% below the asking price after being on the market for 18 months.

He said that Mrs Gillan had decided to sell the property because she and her 84-year-old husband have difficulty climbing stairs.

Two faced inside deal?

Up a whimsy more

Patrick McCrystal was given a £70 ticket after double yellow lines were painted underneath his parked Ford Fiesta.

Mr McCrystal, from Derby, was further angered when he spotted flecks of yellow paint on his front bumper.

The 49-year-old petrol station worker - who regularly parked between the gaps in the lines - said yesterday: 'I couldn’t believe my eyes. They had extended the existing set of lines underneath my car, and then a warden had slapped a ticket on it.

'When I parked there were double yellows in front of my car, double yellows behind my car, but nothing in between.

'It has been my regular spot for two years and there was nothing to indicate I couldn’t park there.'

Although fine has since been rescinded, Derby City Council admitted the ticket was issued in error.

David Gartside, the council’s head of traffic and transport, said: 'It appears that there was a communication breakdown between our contractors undertaking the lining work and our enforcement officers.

'We apologise for any inconvenience.' 

Ah, the old miscommunication excuse-maggots....

Dahn Unda and right a touch

Tina Beznec, 23, placed an ad on the Trade Me website under the title 'YOUR Tattoo on my Bum!!' which offers a 9cm by 9cm square of flesh.

The highest bidder can have anything they like inked on the spot and will receive a framed photo of the finished work. They can even go to the tattoo parlour to watch it being done.

Tina, of Lower Hutt, admitted in her ad that people may think she was 'crazy', but insisted she needed the money.

'Ok so 20% of the auction winnings will go to a Charity of your choice and the rest will go to me, I deserve it, I have been made redundant TWICE over the past year,' she said.

Her idea has attracted plenty of public interest and the bidding in the auction, which ends on January 20th, has already topped the NZ$10,000 (£5,180) reserve price.

Tina also had some suggestions for what the winning bidder could choose to tattoo on her backside, including a business promotion or marriage proposal.

Or how about-“I’m an arsehole”?

Up to whacky baccy land

Dutch designer Jólan van der Wiel is making stools by mixing iron filings with molten plastic and creating the legs by "pulling" them up using magnets. When the plastic hardens you've got yourself a stool.

Gestenigd Numpty

Left a lot and dahn a lot

An elderly woman has been left fighting for her life in Argentina after a cat thrown out of a fourth-floor apartment during a heated argument landed on her head, local media reported.

The incident occurred in the Belgrano neighbourhood of Buenos Aires on Saturday when, during the dispute, a man grabbed the family cat and threw it at his wife.

She dodged the feline, which then sailed through an open window and plunged toward the ground, striking the woman, an 85-year-old neighbour.

Police told Argentine media that the victim suffered a fractured skull and was rushed to hospital, where she had to be connected to a ventilator.

The cat's condition is unknown.

 

Not funny really......

And finally: 

Up to the other bit of the Americas

More than 90 hamsters were found in one man's apartment, well-cared for and kept in aquariums, buckets and Tupperware containers.

The Boehm Street man had 94 hamsters in total and decided on his own it was just too many. He went to the MSPCA's Small Animal Shelter at Nevins Farm in Methuen last week to let officials there know he had a large number of hamsters he wanted to surrender.

"The situation was not dire, so we asked him to wait a week so we could prepare for them," said Mike Keiley, director at the Methuen shelter.

Keiley said the man planned to take a cab to the shelter to turn over the hamsters. Instead, the MSPCA officials sent a van with two workers and the city's Animal Control Officer Ellen Bistany to the home yesterday to pick them up.

"He started with one hamster, and there got to be more and more," Keiley said.

Breed like rabbits do hamsters-I hope Freddy Starr doesn’t see this.

That’s it: I’m orf to look for Phobos-Grunt.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Angus snaps: Civilian plod: EU-ooops: Old Shreddies: Carver kronid: and Automatic fire wood.

Colder than a ConDem’s heart at the Castle this morn, the falling down and lying in vomit thing seems to have gorn orf, and his Maj has discovered the joy of sitting on the top of the wardrobes.

As you may know my photography skills are a bit suspect, and like all bad workmen I blame my camera; so I have “upgraded” to a sparkly new 14mp digital do-dah with all sorts of bells and whistles.

New one-taken with the old one.

Snowdrops-which are nearly gorn.

His Maj being a vandal.

And a snippet of video.

So you can look forward to many, many more inane pics in the future...

In barmy Blighty

Apparently there are more than 2,500 citizens working for town halls and private security companies who can hand out fines, take photographs of offenders and demand their names and addresses.

These soulless Jobsworths are not accountable to the police, unless they break the law, and include car park attendants and dog wardens.

Under the scheme, which began in 2002, a chief constable can give employees of councils or private companies limited powers to carry out specific, approved roles.

For some, that means the right to hand out on-the-spot fines for offences including disorder, truancy, dog fouling and littering, stop vehicles for roadside tests and confiscate alcohol or cigarettes from children.

They have a uniform and badge, but despite having to be approved by police chiefs, they remain under the full control of their employer who dictates their role and deployment. If they are accused of misconduct, the victim has to complain to the private employer and would have to sue in the civil courts if still unsatisfied.

A Home Office spokesman added: “Our number one priority is public protection. The Community Safety Accreditation Scheme assists the police in keeping communities safe.

“Powers are limited to dealing with low level crime, individuals are thoroughly vetted and training is approved by the relevant force.”

Bollocks.

Across the Eurozone

A string of countries have had their credit ratings downgraded in a mass blitz by agency Standard and Poor's.

France, Austria, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Slovakia, Malta, Slovenia and Cyprus have all been cut in a brutal round of downgrades.

France and Austria both now hold AA+ ratings, while Italy, formerly an A-rated country, holds a BBB+.

Spain will move down to an A rating, while Portugal moves to BB, Slovakia to A and Cyprus to BB+.

Malta now holds an A rating and Slovenia finds itself on A+.

Austria, France, Malta, Slovakia, Slovenia, Cyprus, Italy, Spain and Portugal also had their long-term ratings lowered.

Only Germany, The Netherlands, Finland and Luxembourg kept their top-notch ratings in the cuts.

The euro fell to a 17-month low on the currency markets amid early reports of the news - the latest in the eurozone crisis - and stock markets across the world also declined.

Oh dear; what a shame...

Back in baffling Blighty

Boxes of Shreddies dating back to the early 1970s have been discovered in a village shop – and are now selling for about £160 a time on eBay.

The packs were found by 59-year-old Norma Fears behind shelves at her post office in Whitwell, Hertfordshire, and were initially rejected as feed by a customer’s chickens.  

The customer returned to the store to give back the Shreddies, but fellow shopper Dave King suggested to the woman and Ms Fears that she place the items on eBay.

Some packs still contain a free gift – stickers from the 1970 Disney film The AristoCats - making them popular bidding items online.

'When we saw the first bid at £36, we thought "that’s quite good" but then they sold for £158.98,' explained Ms Fears. 'I couldn’t believe they went for that.

Hope the Elfandsafety crunchers don’t get wind of that......

East a fair way

Kronid Gogolev is a master wood-carver who creates incredibly detailed artworks inspired by the rural and provincial life of Russia’s northern regions.

Using simple tools, he is able to turn rough pieces of wood into masterpiece depicting the way of life and the traditions of the Russian northern village, capturing its original beauty. Each of his creations has its own unique features and characteristics, but they all manage to capture the attention of the viewer, transporting him to the real-life picturesque settings of the north.

Very nice-let’s hope this next guy doesn’t get his hands on them.

Still in the land of colder than Blighty

A Russian villager discovered a stockpile of Kalashnikov assault rifles hidden in the wooden crates he bought for $15 from a stranger to use as fuel for his winter stove.

A total of 79 guns and 253 cartridges were stuffed in more than 60 wooden boxes bought by a resident of the village of Sovkhozny in Udmurtia, a region some 1,300 km South-East of Moscow, Interfax news agency reported on Friday.

The 57-year old local resident said he bought them from a random truck driver for 500 roubles ($15.81) to heat his home.

The fully functional rifles, produced in 1959-1960, were on their way to a recycling plant from Izhmash, one of the country's oldest arms manufacturing plants, the company said, when they wound up in the man's possession.

Good job the butler didn’t get hold of them…

That’s it: I’m orf to colour the Milky Way.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Duckess in the dock: British decency: Tesco Crimbo: Sonic balls-up: Cow bras: Toulouse le expensive: and Irisin arrives.

Cold, crusty and clear at the Castle this morn, the butler has set up a conveyor belt to shove fat teenagers into the furnace, the fall down and lay in vomit thing has returned, and his Maj has discovered the joy of the nice warm airing cupboard.

And the interweb thingy has gorn tits up-again, started this at 05.30, still here-08.00.

I see that the ugly sister’s female parent

Is in a bit of bovver in Turkey, a court has said it plans to prosecute the Duckess of York for secretly filming orphans in the country for a television documentary in 2008.

The court plans to accuse her of going "against the law in acquiring footage and violating privacy" of five children.

The Duckess visited the orphanage near Ankara while making a film for the ITV Tonight programme and filmed scenes of children tied to their beds and left in cots all day.

Turkish officials made a formal request to the Home Office for help as they tried to bring a case against her in the past.

British ministers refused to accede to the further request for legal assistance from Turkey so from a UK perspective the case is closed.

The reasons for refusal were that the minister considered that to provide the assistance requested would have been likely to prejudice the sovereignty, security, ordre public [public order] or other essential interests of the United Kingdom.

 

I can see millions out on the streets supporting the Duckess-not...

And the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Has “vowed” to overturn three Lords defeats on welfare reform, after peers dramatically sent the bill back to the Commons.

The government proposals were branded "devastating", "severe" and indecent last night, as peers argued that the plans would effectively deprive disabled children of funds.

"The government has been defeated because quite simply they tried to cross the basic line of British decency," shadow work and pensions secretary Liam Byrne said.

"For months Labour has been determined to stop this cruel attack on cancer patients in its tracks and today the House of Lords agreed."

Welfare Minister Chris Grayling told the Today programme the government intended to strand firm.

"We have said very clearly that we will seek to reverse the amendments in the Lords when it comes back into the Commons," he said.

"We are dealing with some extraordinarily difficult economic times financially."

If the government is acting confidently, it is because it knows it has significant public backing for its welfare reforms plans.

Bollocks; so why are they going to do yet another U-turn on child benefits?

Over to the land of automation and the home of the car crash

General Motors Co has issued a recall of over 4000 of their current year Chevy Sonic subcompacts, because there is a possibility that they might be missing inner or outer front brake pads. This recall is in effect for both Canadian and US vehicles as their internal research shows that between 20 and 30 vehicles were sold with missing brake pads. The issue was discovered during some routine maintenance on a rental fleet car.

And nobody noticed?

East to the old enemy of the aforementioned

Cows in Russia's republic of Yakutia are being given hand-made fur bras.

Because Yakutia is officially the coldest place in the northern hemisphere, even the cattle need to be prepared for very low temperatures.

And with it sometimes reaching minus 55 degrees Celsius, some farmers have taken to producing hand-made rabbit fur accessories for their animals, reports rt.com.

The cow bras are said to consist of a rabbit fur pouch for their udders which is held in place through a series of straps.

Udderly wonderful, wonder if they do a ball brace for the male members of the herd....

 

Back in overpriced Blighty

My favourite retailer didn’t do too well over Crimbo; apparently like-for-like UK sales at Tesco were down by 2.3% over the festive what knot, the supermarket giant has reported.

Britain's largest retailer said the results, for the six weeks to January 7, were "below expectations and disappointing".

It also warned that it expected "minimal" profit growth for the coming year.

The supermarket's share price plummeted by more than 14% on the news.

Non-food sales were particularly bad and the fall came despite Tesco's Price Drop promotion.

Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke said: "We are disappointed with our seasonal trading performance in the UK.

If they didn’t charge three times the price for cheese as they did a year ago then Worrall Thompson wouldn’t need to “borrow” it...

 

Dahn Unda

Toulouse le plummet is a $12,000 cat - and that's not due to his breeding but the cost of surgery after surviving a fall from a seventh floor flat.

The six-year-old tom landed on his feet in the early hours of December 30, but broke all four paws. Owner Renelle Williams said it was amazing Toulouse suffered no internal injuries when he landed on the bitumen below.

"We were on the balcony and the cat would normally have a routine of jumping on to the next-door neighbours' balcony for a visit. He's gone over and probably fallen," Mrs Williams, of Surry Hills said.

Mrs Williams and her husband had to decide whether to keep Toulouse alive with an operation that required metal pins to be inserted into every toe and from his ankle through to his feet.

The cost of the orthopaedic surgery and recovery is expected to be about $12,000. She said they weighed up the decision and based it on the quality of life he would have once the bones healed.

Toulouse is recovering at home and will have the pins removed in six to eight weeks.

Sydney University Veterinary Hospital specialist surgeon Ben Landon said it was fairly common for cats to fall from apartment blocks, with the phenomenon known as "high-rise syndrome".

One down, eight to go....

And finally:

Scientists have come up with a goodie

A newly identified hormone that mimics the effects of exercise could one day help people lose weight and fight obesity-linked diseases without surgery.

Lab mice that were injected with this hormone lost weight and improved regulation of their blood sugar levels, which lowered their risk of diabetes, according to researchers in a new study. Normally the hormone, which the researchers have named Irisin, builds up in the blood of people after doing months of endurance exercise. 

I want some-now!!!!

That’s it (finally): I’m orf to the workshop.

And today’s thought:

Angus

The end of excess: Banger tax: The end of men: Dessert Numpty: Pussy on a leash: and ET floats home.

Gale is howling and Dawn’s crack is nowhere to be seen at the Castle this morn, the sky water is moving horizontally across the vista and his Maj has discovered the joy of shoving his nose into my ear and purring to wake me up.

And as Blighty returns to "normal" after what seems like two weeks of "celebration".

Allegedly U-Turn Cam and the rest of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Sideboard

Is going to “tackle excess in the City”, with the same energy that it is clamping down on benefits cheats, and bring down the deficit this twenty eleven plus one.

Our beloved Prime Monster is going to be “bold, confident and decisive” about the future.

Knob head Dave is pinning his hopes on the Olympics and her Maj’s diamond jubilee to fill in the black hole that his Piss Poor Policies have created.

Meanwhile more than five hundred health workers have been vaccinated against smallpox enabling them to deal with a biological terror attack at this year’s Olympics.

And our barmy “justice” system has decided that a trainee accountant from Bangladesh who came to Britain to study has been granted permission to remain in the country after successfully claiming that he had made friends and played cricket on Sundays.

While the Home Office turned down Abdullah Munawar’s initial bid to stay on in the UK after graduating, the courts overturned the decision and ruled that he could continue to enjoy a “private life” in this country under Article 8 of the European Convention of Human Rights.

And just to cap it all; hundreds of thousands of elderly people are being robbed of their dignity by England’s failing social care services and left at risk of “terrible abuse and neglect”, U-Turn Cam has been warned.

Thousands are forced to sell their homes and use up their savings to pay rising care bills each year, while businesses are losing experienced staff who are forced to quit to look after their relatives.

In a letter published in The Daily Telegraph on Tuesday, the experts say that a lack of “political leadership” must not be allowed to condemn 800,000 frail pensioners to a life of loneliness any longer.

 

Oh to be in England now that aliens rule...

And to help bring down the deficit

Large vans and minibuses which are more than 10 years old are facing a new charge of £100 a day in Greater London, if they fail to meet pollution limits.

It is the first time the vehicles have fallen under the Low Emission Zone, which covers most roads inside the M25.

From today tougher restrictions will also mean £200 daily fees for Lorries, buses and coaches which fall short of European Union standards on pollution.

Also among the new regulations is a ban on black cabs which were produced more than 15 years ago.

This means about 2,600 vehicles, or 10% of the total fleet, will become unlawful as their licence plates expire.

And a "no-idling" campaign will be launched this month, to encourage all drivers to turn off their engines if stationary.

No more driving to the Smoke for me then....

Over in the rich bit of the Eurozone

Scientists have made a major breakthrough that could soon see human sperm grown in the laboratory.

The development opens up the possibility of infertile men being able to father their own children rather than using donor sperm.

Researchers in Germany and Israel were able to grow mouse sperm from a few cells in a laboratory dish.

In a world first a team headed by Professor Stefan Schlatt, at Muenster University in Germany, were able to grow sperm by using germ cells. These are the cells in testicles that are responsible for sperm production.

Scientists grew the sperm by surrounding the germ cells in a special compound called agar jelly to create an environment similar to that found in testicles.

Prof. Mahmoud Huleihel, who also grew the sperm at Israel's Ben Gurion University in Beersheba, said: "I believe it will eventually be possible to routinely grow human male sperm to order by extracting tissue containing germ cells from a man's testicle and stimulating sperm production in the laboratory."

Nice, still as long as the Ladies can’t open pickle jars we are safe....ish.

Back in the smoke free Smoke

A  Numpty with far too much money has tucked into the world's most expensive dessert, which he bought for $33,500 to cheer himself up after he was dumped by his girlfriend.

Diamond merchant Carl Weininger, 60, splashed out on the extravagant pudding as a "pick-me-up" after she ended their three-year relationship.

The chocolate-laced pudding was styled like a Faberge egg and its list of ingredients included edible gold, champagne and caviar.

It contained a gold bracelet and spoon set and the cherry on top was a two-carat diamond.

Weininger took the pudding to the Aviators' Ball, at the Sofitel Hotel at London's Heathrow airport, where lucky guests sampled the luxury dessert.

Each mouthful cost about $1200 and the whole dessert took just 15 minutes to devour.

Cheap at half the price...

And all around the big round thing

How to train your pussy to go for a walk:

Whether your cat is exclusively indoors, or an indoor-outdoor variety, there are times you'll need to keep him confined with a leash. Even older cats can be trained, given patience.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: Varies

Here's How:

1.Purchase a comfortably-fitting harness and lightweight leash with a secure clip. Do not use a collar, as the cat may be able to slip out of it. You want the leash to pull from the chest rather than the throat. The cats' Walking Jacket is a fine alternative to a harness, virtually escape free, and with the leash attached mid-back, for comfort.

2.Put the harness and leash somewhere near kitty's sleeping area and leave it there for several days to accustom him to its appearance and smell.

3.Wait until just before his normal mealtime, and then put the harness on the cat. You should be able to comfortably slip two fingers between the harness and his skin.

4.Immediately feed him his favourite meal and praise him when he is finished.

5.Let him wear the harness for awhile. If it seems to bother him, distract him by playing with a favourite toy.

6.When your cats seems to be accustomed to the harness, take it off.

7.Repeat steps 3 through 6 for several days, leaving the harness on longer each time.

8.Next, attach the leash to the harness and let kitty walk around the house, dragging the leash. Watch him carefully that he doesn't get tangled up around furniture.

9.Praise him for being such a good cat, and give him some loving hugs.

10.Repeat steps 8 and 9 for a few days, until the cat seems to accept the harness and leash.

11.Now, let him walk around as usual, but pick up the business end of the leash and follow him in his wanderings. Keep the tension slack, so as not to restrict his movement.

Practice step 11 for a few days.

12.Teach kitty to follow you by talking to him in a cajoling manner and lightly pulling on the lead. Don't fight him. Leash-training should be a pleasurable experience for the cat, not an adversarial one. On the other hand, if he tugs at the leash, simply stop until he relaxes, then move on.

13.You're ready to move outdoors now. Do it gradually, and take your first short excursions in your own back yard, or in a quiet area.

14.Gradually increase his exposure to the sights, sounds and smells of the outdoors. Soon, the two of you will be able to enter walkathons together.

Yeah right.

And finally: 

Dahn at the bottom of ‘Ampshire

Pensioner Margaret Wells, 76, is delighted to have been reunited with her beloved E.T. which was handcrafted by her daughter nine years ago.

It was stolen - along with a haul of jewellery and an iron - from Mrs Wells' home in Cosham, Hants, in September.

Police have now ensured the extra-terrestrial came home after it was spotted in the sea five miles away off Old Portsmouth, Hants.

A walker dialled 999 after spotting it floating near the shore last Thursday.

Police and coastguard attended the scene and quickly realised it was not a human, but the alien model.

Mrs Wells said: 'There's only one in the whole of England and that is mine. "The police rang and said somebody has found a body in the Solent and it belongs to you - it's E.T.'

"I always knew E.T. would come home.

And I thought he could fly....

That’s it: I’m orf to tickle a Gorilla

And today’s thought:

Angus

Low Carbon con: Out but In: Bus Puss: Texas prezzies: Kitten classes: and Crimbo is orf in Wales.

Oodles of fast moving atmosphere, wet stuff and a whimsy of white fluffy stuff at the Castle this morn, the study is still replete with misbehaving machines, his Maj has decided that going out is orf the agenda and the butler is stuffing fat teenagers into the furnace faster than even U-Turn Cam can change what is laughingly called his mind. 

Apparently:

Low-carbon technology won’t cost the Earth

According to “them” the costs of wind farms and other low-carbon technology will not lead to sharp rises in fuel bills.

The Committee on Climate Change (CCC) says increases in bills over the past few years have been largely due to higher wholesale gas costs.

Members said their "best estimate" was that green policies would add £110 to bills per household in 2020.

It emerged recently that an estimated 1.5m people are in fuel debt in the UK.

The combined gas and electricity bill for typical households could go up from £1,060 in 2010 to £1,250 in 2020, according to analysis by the committee.

But further energy efficiency measures - such as loft and wall cavity insulation - could see the projected 2020 bill fall to £1,085 per household, it said.

CCC chief executive David Kennedy said the committee had analysed the impact of investing in technology including offshore and onshore wind, nuclear and carbon capture and storage.

Mr Kennedy said the cost of this investment was "significantly" outweighed by the benefits - including a reduced reliance on imported fossil fuels.

Coulda, woulda, shoulda.....

And allegedly: 

Over in the bankrupt EU

British officials are to take part in discussions on plans for a new EU fiscal pact, despite U-Turn Cam refusing to sign up to the agreement.

The Prime Monster agreed the move in a phone call with the president of the European Council, Herman von Rompuy.

The decision comes as the head of the International Monetary Fund (IMF), Christine Lagarde warned Europe's debt crisis would not be solved by Europe alone and called on all countries to work together to avoid a 1930s-style depression.

It also follows the first signs of cracks forming in the new European Union finance deal signed up by all EU countries except the UK at the Brussels summit last week with the leaders of the Czech Republic and Hungary announcing they will not sign the pact unless tax harmonisation plans are dropped.

Do I give a gorilla’s gonads? Nah...

Dahn in Dorset

Dodger the 15-year-old tom boards buses for up to 10 miles, sits on passengers’ laps and gets off without paying. Drivers even know his home bus stop.

Dodger’s servant Mrs Fee Jeanes, 44, said: “My daughter Emily told me one of her friends had seen him on the bus at Charmouth. I panicked and then the bus pulled up and he got off.

“That afternoon I saw Dodger climb on another bus and I rushed to tell the driver. She told me Dodger was always on there. Sometimes he sits in the middle of the road and waits.”

A spokesman for bus firm First said: “Given this cat is elderly we suspect it would be eligible for free travel, perhaps a bus puss.”

 

I can’t get my bus pass until March 2013...

Over the large salty thing on the left to the Lone Star State

A North Texas police department is handing out gift cards instead of tickets.

This week, the Prosper Police Department is rewarding good traffic habits.

The majority of the giving happens in schools zone. Police stop people dropping off their kids to surprise them with the $10 gift cards.

"There's such a high concentration of drivers at pick-up and drop-off times that we can safely approach those vehicles," Assistant Prosper Police Chief Gary McHone said. "Maybe they had a safe speed coming into a parking lot, their inspections were up-to-date, they were using the safety belts in the vehicles, and their child was in a safety restraint."

McHone said it's their way to live up to a well-known police motto.

"To protect and serve -- I think this is a key component in serving is to acknowledge and give thanks to our community," McHone said.

 UK plod take note.....

Dahn Unda

An Australian vet is offering one-to-one obedience classes for cats.

Nicole Hoskin claims she can train kittens to sit, stay and fetch.

One of her most challenging students so far has been a 10-week-old hearing-impaired kitten called Buzz.

The youngster needs to learn hand commands because he is unlikely to ever respond to vocal commands.

Dr Hoskin said: "He's been dumped and is going to be harder to re-home so I've had to teach him to pay attention to me.

"Already he's sitting on command and high-fiving with one paw and he can high-10 with both paws over his head."

Originally, Dr Hoskin offered a service similar to puppy obedience classes but the project failed.

"If you get more than one cat in a room, the claws come out," she said.

She says dogs learn just to please their owners, but cats will only pay attention for food rewards.

Tell me something I don’t know....

And finally:

In Welsh Wales

Thousands of children have been left heartbroken after Father Christmas was turned away from their school – for criminal checks.

The Welsh Assembly has ordered that all Santa’s be vetted by the Criminal Records Bureau.

But the demand came too late for many schools in Pembrokeshire, south Wales, which have been forced to abandon their traditional gift-giving events.

Pembrokeshire MP Stephen Crabb branded the cancellation of Christmas in schools – which often involves fathers and grandfathers – as ‘red tape gone mad’.

The Tory said: ‘Criminal record checks were never supposed to be used for volunteers that sustain and support so much of school life on an infrequent basis.

Volunteers from Fishguard and Goodwick Round Table have accompanied Santa into schools for several years but now felt their ‘hands were tied’.

Chairman Peter Devonald said: ‘Our Father Christmas is CRB checked but we all have to have CRB checks to accompany him.

But a government spokesman said: ‘It is for Pembrokeshire county council to ensure appropriate checks are made on staff and volunteers who come into contact with children.’

 Sigh....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to buy a chest wig.

And today’s thought:

Angus