My Old Dutch: No chance Nick: 10 days to Armageddon: Scotch bonnet: Mucky truck: Clarkson should be hung, drawn and quartered: and the dog and duck.

Wettish, calmish and coolish at the Castle this morn, the study is still devoid of devastated do dahs, his Maj is still bringing me worms and the elbow has finally stopped hurting. 

It being the 1^st of December and our 40^th wedding anniversary I wasn’t going to post today but life goes on and below is a tribute to my lovely “M”.

Sorry about the sound quality.

It seems that optimist and brown nose Nick Clegg

Is in a bit of a quandary after endorsing another two years of public spending cuts following the next general election.

Muppet Danny Alexander, the Liberal Democrat Chief Treasury Secretary, could not say where cuts required after 2015 would fall. "In good time, well before the election, we will set out where those savings will be made," he said. Asked if the Liberal Democrats would go into the next election promising nearly £30bn more austerity, he replied: "I'm afraid so."

 The Lib Dems have about as much chance of winning the next election as..........the Tories.

Allegedly over in the Eurozone

Banks have been told to brace themselves for financial Armageddon after being told there were just ten days left to save the euro.

They were advised to make contingency plans for the inevitable collapse of the single currency unless European leaders can come up with a last-minute rescue package.

Can’t wait....

Back in British Blighty and up a bit

Scotch Bonnet Cheddar - the hottest cheese ever to be sold in the UK - is about to land on supermarket shelves across the country.

It has been made using the fearsome Scotch Bonnet chilli pepper, which is known to pack a flaming punch.

The Scotch Bonnet emits a heat intensity that blows away the more commonly used Jalapeno. The intensity of a chilli is measured in Scoville units and the Scotch Bonnet has a rating of 100,000-350,000, while the Jalapeno only has a 2500-8000 score.

The cheese has been developed for Tesco and will be available in over 700 stores, priced at £2 for a 250g pack.

Tesco cheese buyer Ashleigh MacFarlane said: 'Britain has a huge growing chilli culture which is increasingly creeping into all kinds of everyday foods from chocolate, jams, crisps, nuts and now cheese.

Save having to buy mouse traps-just put the cheese down and you end up with a ready cooked snack....

Right oodles of lengths

To the land of bamboo and noodles a trucker tried to shoot the lights at a junction in Shenzhen, Guangdong province, southern China managed to tip his motor over and dumped more than a smidge of dirt on a taxi.

Cabbie Lui Ming, 45, suddenly found himself in more than half a tonne of soil when the lorry driver had to brake suddenly and ended up overturning his truck.

"I was waiting at a traffic light and the squeals of his brake behind me - and then it went complete dark," he explained.

Passersby helped dig him out but the crushed car was a write off, say police.

Dirty trick....

And not surprisingly

The BBC has been forced to apologise after Jeremy Clarkson said he would like to see striking public sector workers "shot" in front of their families.

The Top Gear presenter made his comments on BBC's The One Show on the evening of Britain's biggest public sector strikes in 30 years.

He said of the strikers: "I'd have them all shot. I would take them outside and execute them in front of their families.

"I mean, how dare they go on strike when they've got these gilt-edged pensions that are going to be guaranteed while the rest of us have to work for a living."

Work for a living? Travelling the world at our expense driving Asbo Martins, Lambos, Bugatti Veyrons, Koenigseggs and Ferraris is “work” is it?

Fuck orf Clarkson.

And finally:

Left to the land of the gun and the home of the Numpty

An American man was rushed to hospital after being shot in the buttocks by his dog during an ill-fated duck hunting accident in Utah.

The 46 year-old, who has not been named, was hit just a few feet away from his "excited" pet canine, which had stepped on a shotgun in his boat.

He escaped serious injury – only receiving an injury to his buttocks and, almost certainly to his pride. Police confirmed the incident was not a hoax.

Officers said the man, and an unidentified friend had been duck hunting on the Great Salt Lake, in the country's west, at the weekend.

The hunter, from Brigham City, about 60 miles north of the state capital Salt Lake City, was shot as he climbed out of the boat to move decoys in the shallow marsh area.

Kevin Potter, the Box Elder County Sheriff’s deputy chief, said the man left his 12-gauge shotgun in the boat before the dog stepped on it, causing it to discharge.

The right to bare arse?
 

That’s it: I’m orf to apply for a job

And today’s thought:

Angus

Not even a plan A (part quatre): EU MOT: Real deal meal: Bouncing basketball: Applied sexuality: and Cor-sa all at sea.

Cold, clear, windy and wettish at the Castle this morn, the study is still lacking in the malfunctioning machines dept, his Maj is still bringing me worms and my lovely young lady has been and trimmed the head hirsuteness.

Plan A is an ex parrot

After wasting an hour or so of my life watching son of a B.....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I need a torch to find my rear exit) Osborne rambling on about resurfacing the A 12, polishing railway tracks and taking away tax credits to pay for the 5.2% increase in “benefits” I have come to the conclusion that our dearly beloved unelected Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is about as much use as all the other self serving gutless “political” vermin that is infesting the palace of Westminster in the guise of MPs.

Basically we are fucked; “they” are going to do bugger all to make our lives better-unemployment up, the deficit up, food up, “energy” costs up, go juice up (despite the delay in tax), fares up (despite the pitiful cut in over inflation rises), water up; pensions down, wages down and our standard of living down.

If anyone is thinking of doing an e-petition calling for a vote of no confidence in “them” send me a link and I will gladly sign it.

And just to add to our joy

A raft of changes will be implemented in January represent the biggest overhaul of the MoT test since car emissions were included in the early 1990s.

Initially a motorist whose car fails to meet the new standards will be given a period of grace to make the necessary repairs.

But by the end of the year the necessary repair will have to be done straight away for an MoT certificate to be issued.

The overhaul, which was announced by the Vehicle and Operator Services Agency, comes as the Government considers delaying the first MoT test until a car is four years old and extending the interval between inspections from one year to two.

However the tougher rules are being brought in to comply with EU requirements aimed at ensuring that the testing regime covers the latest innovations.

 And that applies to my 13 year old Honda how....

Over in the land of the fish and the home of caviar

Restaurants around the world will soon use new DNA technology to assure patrons they are being served the genuine fish fillet or caviar they ordered, rather than inferior substitutes, an expert in genetic identification says.

In October, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration officially approved so-called DNA bar coding – a standardised fingerprint that can identify a species like a supermarket scanner reads a bar code – to prevent the mislabelling of both locally produced and imported seafood in the United States.

Other national regulators around the world are also considering adopting DNA bar coding as a fast, reliable and cost-effective tool for identifying organic matter.

Yeah right-that’s going to work...

Still in the place where lingerie football abounds

Becauseof the NBA lockout a group of nightclub owners appear to have taken things into their own hands.

This morning it was revealed they want to form a basketball league of topless dancers to attract attention to the sport while the NBA saga drags on after nearly five months of crisis.

Rick's Cabaret group's league, consisting of dancers from their 23 clubs, has reportedly said a former NBA star will be announced next week as coach of the New York team, which will unveil its uniforms - we're suspecting some of the most minute ever seen on a court -next week as well.

Gianna no last name, a player for the New York team has reportedly said.

"The girls are really excited. We're practically busting out of our tops.

They won’t be the only ones who are excited...

East a lot to the country that didn’t invade Poland

At the £1,400-a-term International Sex School in Vienna, Austria, corporal punishment is part of the curriculum, not a punishment.

Swedish-born headmistress Ylva-Maria Thompson says anyone over the age of 16 can enrol as a pupil to learn at what she calls "the world's first college of applied sexuality".

Students live in a mixed sex dormitory block where they're expected to practise their homework.

Added the school head: "Our core education is not theoretical, but very practical. The emphasis is on how to be a better lover.

"Sexual positions, caressing techniques, anatomical features. And we teach people hands on."

Raunchy adverts showing a couple making love have already been banned by straight-laced Austrian TV.

"This is wrapped up in a very stylish way but it is just selling sex," said one protester.

Thank him/her upstairs I’m too old for school. My old heart couldn’t stand the strain.

And finally:

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Authorities in the Swansea region are asking ships to keep an eye out for a Vauxhall Corsa after it was submerged after being parked on a slipway near Swansea yesterday afternoon.

Despite the best efforts of coastguards, the search for the silver hatchback proved elusive, with it slipping under their radar.

Luckily, the two passengers managed to get out of the rental car before it slipped underwater - although they probably won't be getting their deposit back.

The couple had been parked at near Knab Rock in Mumbles, Swansea, when the tide turned and a local recovery service was said to have been unable to recover the vehicle.

A spokesman for the Swansea Coastguard said: 'We broadcast navigation warnings every four hours, and in that broadcast today we have asked vessels to look out for silver Vauxhall Corsa.

'It is possible it could be anywhere in the Bristol Channel.'

The good news is that the Corsa has landed on Mumbles beach.

That’s it: I’m orf to become a scientist.

And today’s thought:

Angus  

Not even a plan A (part trois): Bercow-no oil painting: Mar-M1-te: We fight back: Political cow piss: Exploding tofu: and a smart-phone motor.

A smidge warmer at the Castle this morn, no white crusty stuff but ample amounts of the wet stuff, the study is empty of any sort of defunct digitizers and his Maj is still bringing me worms.

And the interweb thingy is exceeding slow this Tuesday.

Today is of course “Autumn Statement” day

Son of a B.....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I'm glad I am a rich man) Osborne will try to convince us that “we are still all in this together” and that plan A is well on target.

He is expected to confirm that growth will be lower and borrowing much higher than planned.

And allegedly unveil further savings in the welfare budget - by not increasing all benefits in line with September's 5.2% inflation figures - or by a squeeze on working tax credits.

 

When plan A fails and plunges us back into the second bit of a double dip recession he will blame:

The Eurozone.

The snow.

The heat.

China.

America.

Public sector workers.

The price of sausages.

And us...

  

Still in La-la land

Dopey Bercow has had his picture taken; the painting will hang alongside those of his predecessors Baroness Boothroyd and Lord Martin in Speaker's House.

A £22,000 commission was paid for the portrait, while £15,000 was spent on "framing and heraldic painting", the Commons says.

British artist Brendan Kelly said he wanted to catch the Speaker "mid-action" in the Commons chamber.

Should have used a digital camera then-but don’t forget---you know the rest....

  

Up a bit to non Lancashire

A large-scale clean-up operation was under way after a tanker carrying more than 20 tonnes of yeast extract - believed to be Marmite - overturned on a busy motorway.

Police shut a section of the M1 in South Yorkshire at around 10.15pm last night following the incident, which saw the vehicle crash and spill its contents onto the carriageway.

Love it, wonder how they knew it was Marmite....

 

Over to the long warm bit of the non Marmite world

A group of men who were forced to pay for entry to a Playboy party in Los Angeles while women were admitted for free is suing the company, claiming sex discrimination.

According to the suit, men were charged $1,000 for admission to the "Leather Meets Lace" party at the Playboy mansion, while women were ushered in free of charge, TMZ reported.

The entry policy "promotes harmful, negative stereotypes," the suit alleges.

Damn, I missed that one....

 

East a lot to the sub continent

The Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) is working on a soft drink made out of cow urine.

According to the RSS, cow urine can be used to treat a variety of ailments, such as liver disease and cancer. In fact, Prakash feels that despite the enormous advertising budgets of popular soft drinks Coca-Cola and Pepsi, his cow urine concoction will be able to hold its own due to being “good for mankind.”

Known in Sanskrit as “gau jal,” which means “cow water,” the soft drink should be available for human consumption by the end of the year. According to Om Prakash, the head of the department in charge of political cow piss, the drink will actually be “tasty.”

Bull shit....

 

Back over to the land of the chef and the home of cooking on gas

Just after 8:15 p.m. fire crews were called to an apartment building in the 300 block of Northwest Fifth Avenue in the heart of Old Town Portland Oregon.

A woman was cooking tofu and had rinsed out the pan with water when there was explosion. The blast was so powerful that it blew a 4 by 6 window out of the building and onto the street.

"When they arrived they found a woman sitting outside crying," Corah said. "She said there'd been an explosion and she was upset. She had a slight burn on her left hand, but was otherwise not hurt."

Another reason not to wash up....

And finally:

East to the place where the Japanese live

Toyota has unveiled the 'Fun-Vii', a futuristic interactive concept car that features a touch-screen door.

The experimental Fun-Vii - which stands for Fun - vehicle, interactive, internet - was being shown to the public for the first time ahead of the Tokyo Motor Show which opens this weekend.

Designed to show off how the strides being made in technology, the concept car works like a personal computer device, recognising and greeting its driver and allowing them to connect on the move, either with a tap of a touch-panel door, or through an in-car interface.

Bloody great; how the hell will I get that in the study when it goes tits up?

 

That’s it: I’m orf to Stonehenge to search for pits.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Pipped at the post: You pays your money: Washington water feature: Cut to build: Mobile rabbit: Bad advice: Adventurous Aussies’: and Time to tell.

More than cold at the Castle this morn, white crusty stuff all over the Honda as well as on the inside, the study is rapidly filling up with extinct enumerators and the butler is out gathering fat teenagers for the furnace.

I watched the final Grand Prix of the season on BBC1 yesterday, because of the cuts next year Auntie will only be showing ten of the twenty races live-the other ten will be “highlights”, but they have managed to “save” enough dosh to continue to pay ‘celebs’ to dance around at our expense.

For certain readers-Pippa Middleton has signed a six-figure publishing deal worth £400,000 to write a guide to party planning, which will be released in time for Christmas next year.

The book will be a guide to being the perfect party hostess. It will include recipes, anecdotes and details of how to throw a range of different types of event.

 Can’t wait....

Dying to get into hospital?

Click on the link above to find out if you will be dying to get out again....

Over in the Eastern states

Apparently “our” man in Washington “Sir” Nigel Sheinwald has splashed out £2,644 on a fire place and water feature to spruce up his office.

As a man who was brought in to preside over a new period of austerity, Sir Nigel raised eyebrows within the diplomatic world with his sumptuous office. “It looks like a James Bond villain’s lair,” whispers one. “It had to be refurbished in the final days of his predecessor, Sir David Manning, causing him great inconvenience.”

It remains to be seen whether Sir Nigel’s successor will retain the chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce, with its white leather seats and built-in passenger television sets, as his official car.

All together now....”we are all in this together”...

Back in bollixed up Blighty

Son of a B....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I can count the number of cock ups on all three hands) Osborne is expected to announce another £5bn in spending cuts to pay for new building projects.

Badfart Snufflebum as he known among the rest of the extraterrestrial sideboard is to set out plans for a £30bn national infrastructure programme as he tries to breathe new life into the stalled economy.

A deal struck with pension funds will see £20bn invested in the decade-long programme, with the remaining cash coming from further spending cuts.

The first £5bn will come from spending cuts during the current spending period - up until the financial year 2014-2015.

A further £5bn will then come from spending cuts in the following spending period.

Schools, roads, power stations and high speed broadband will be some of the areas to receive a boost.

 There go even more of our pension funds....

Back over to the mild West

Lakeysha Beard, talked for more than half a day while on an Amtrak train going from Oakland, California, to Salem, Oregon. The loud mobile conversation lasted sixteen hours last Monday, after which police stopped the train for twenty minutes to arrest the woman.

In the train's car, a few passengers asked the woman to put the phone away or to stop a few times during the conversation prior to notifying the train staff. Staff members were unable to convince the woman to end the conversation and stopped the train to arrest the woman and halt the disruption.

 I just want to know which mobile has sixteen hours talk time....

And the newest member of the Royal Family

Is allegedly taking beauty tips from her stepmother-in-law, Duckess Kate has been receiving treatments from Deborah Mitchell after Duckess Camilla, the old nag wife of Prince Charles, recommended the beautician's bee sting facial.

Apparently Deborah has been treating Camilla for six years now. Like any customer who finds something good, Camilla has told her friends and in-laws, including Kate. Now she visits the Royal Family wherever they are in residence.

Which explains quite a lot....

Dahn Unda

Traditional beer sales are dropping as Australians are tempted not only by wine but by an increasingly varied range of other alcoholic drinks like trendy ciders and locally brewed ales.

Beer consumption per head has now slumped to a 60 year low according to recent figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics.

It was the Foster's TV ads of the 1980's featuring actor Paul Hogan as the stereotypical Aussie bloke, which helped plant the image of Australian men being huge fans of the "amber nectar".

However even that iconic Australian brewer has hit on tough times and Foster's now looks set to be sold to a London based company, SABMiller.

Do I give a XXXX...

And finally: 

As time moves on

Did you know?

As far as we know, time began with the formation of the universe in the instant of the Big Bang 13.7 billion years ago.

 Our Sun is about five billion years old. The Earth is estimated to be 4,540,000,000 years old.

Earth was created on the evening of Saturday, October 22, 4004BC, according to James Usher the 17th Century Archbishop of Armagh who came to this conclusion by adding up the family histories mentioned in the Bible - such as Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel.

The oldest rocks yet discovered on Earth are crystals of zircon from Western Australia, which are more than 4.4 billion years old.

Between 1929 and 1940 the Soviet Union changed the length of the week t h re e times. In 1930 Stalin abolished weekends to fulfil work quotas. In 1931 it went to a six-day week and back to a seven-day week in 1940.

In the International Fixed Calendar, invented by Englishman Moses Bruine Cotworth in 1859, there are 13 months - with the extra month called Sol.

In 1836 John Belville began to sell time. He set his pocket watch at the Greenwich Observatory where he worked every morning and would sell the precise time to clients in the City. The family business went on until 1940.

Mice normally live to a maximum of three years of age, chickens to 10, cats to 21, horses to 40, goldfish to 49, elephants to 70, giant tortoises to 150 and whales to 200.

 A nanosecond is one billionth of a second... a long time compared to the femtosecond, the attosecond and the shortest possible unit of time - known as Planck time.

 The Julian calendar assumed a year is exactly 365.25 days - about 10 and three quarter minutes too long. By 1582, it was 10 days out of sync, so Pope Gregory XIII decreed that 10 days should be lost to put things right.

 Rock beneath Niagara Falls is worn away at a rate of about a metre a year by the flow of water from Lake Erie 165ft above.

 When the railways first reached Bristol trains seemed to leave 11 minutes early. The problem was the drivers had come from London, 200 miles west, where sunrise is 11 minutes earlier. The only sensible solution, applied in 1940, was for all UK trains to use London time or "railway time".

Beans, peas and tomatoes are said to grow best if planted in the second week after the new moon.

Count the seconds between seeing a flash and hearing thunder. Three seconds' delay means the lightning strike is 0.6 miles away.

Hummingbirds beat their wings 90 times a second when they are hovering. Flies can beat theirs more than 1,000 times a second.

Legend says the first Roman calendar came from Romulus, who was raised by wolves with twin brother Remus and founded Rome in 735BC. He was keen on the number 10, so his years had only 10 months.

At Julius Caesar's command in 46BC two new months were introduced - July named after him and August after his successor Augustus. This Julian calendar also had leap years.

Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox.

If Earths history were compressed into 24 hours then the first humans would appear just 40 seconds before midnight.

Bristlecone pines are the oldest single organisms on Earth. Some have lived more than 5,000 years.

Info from The Book of Time, published by Mitchell Beazley, £20, www.octopusbooks.co.uk

That’s it: I’m orf to the Robot Olympiad.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Not even a plan A (part Deux): Oftwat: Dopey’s missus aims at Brighton: Frosty parade: Septic loo paper: Yeti isn’t: and a Folding pussy.

Cold and clammy with vast amounts of high velocity atmospheric movement at the castle this morn, the study has a couple of Macs awaiting a blow through and his Maj has discovered how to open doors by hanging on the handles.

I see that son of a B...aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I failed my O level maths) Osborne is thinking about using £10 billion of our money to underwrite loans to small businesses.

Under the "credit easing" scheme, aimed at boosting growth, the government would underwrite banks' borrowing so they could borrow more cheaply.

I may not be very bright but isn’t “growth” so piss poor because the electorate doesn’t have any money to spend, thus we are buying less which leads to manufacturing decreases, which leads to more unemployment which leads to even more of us having less money to spend, which leads to....

Solution: we need more money-reduce VAT and go juice tax, ban above inflation rises by “energy” suppliers and transport movers then we could begin to spend again and maybe despite the Piss Poor policies Millionaires Club Coalition’s efforts to totally balls up Blighty the economy might begin to recover.

But then again, I may not be very bright.

 And talking of rip orf “providers”

Household water bills will rise by up to 10 per cent next spring, heaping further misery on consumers and adding as much as £60 to annual bills.

The price rises will further dent families’ disposable incomes, which are already depleted by rising petrol, heating and food prices.

Household water and sewage prices are fixed every April by the UK’s 22 water companies. The utility firms base their prices each spring on the previous November’s RPI inflation figure, meaning that next year’s bills will increase by the current rate of inflation, which is running at a near-record high of over 5 per cent. This alone will add £20 to the average household water bill of £356.

However on top of the inflation-based increase, industry regulator Oftwat allows water companies to raise prices by an additional amount each year.

These above-inflation allowances, which are pre-arranged by Oftwat every five years, will push many bills up significantly further.

For example Thames Water, which provides water to 9 million people in London and the Thames Valley, is allowed by the regulator to raise next year’s prices by 4.6 per cent above inflation. This means that a typical water and sewage bill in London could rise by £30 to £350 in total.

Of the UK’s 22 water companies, just six have been set targets by Oftwat to reduce their prices after inflation next year.

 Point made.... 

Meanwhile: 

House of Commons speaker Bercow’s bride

Wants to be an MP; Dopey’s better half marked her birthday last week by declaring she is ready to throw her "hat into the ring" to become a Labour MP. But, after confiding she didn't fancy all the "slogging around" looking for a seat, she has hopes of winning back a marginal for Labour.

Apparently "Brighton could be one, because I don't think they are into identikit politicians," she told The Argus newspaper in the city. "I know Brighton very well. I was brought up in West Sussex, and I love Brighton to bits."

Nice to see that bed sheet Sally is fully committed....

More than a smidge over to the left

A man in a "Frosty the Snowman" costume was arrested Saturday during the annual Christmas parade in Chestertown, on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. He’s accused of scuffling with police and kicking at a police dog.

Sgt. John A. Dolgos tells The Star Democrat of Easton that 52-year-old Kevin Michael Walsh became agitated when a dog-handling officer tried to escort him away from the crowd.

Bit of a frosty reception then...

And further down the Americas

Federal prosecutors in Florida say at least three people working for a septic tank company duped customers into buying about $1 million in unnecessary products -- in some cases enough toilet paper to last more than 70 years.

More than a dozen customers were told they needed special toilet paper to avoid ruining their septic tanks because the federal government changed regulations on toilet paper. The federal government does not regulate septic tank products.

The trio pleaded guilty in federal court to conspiring to commit wire fraud.

The Miami Herald reported that they worked for FBK Products. A phone number for the Riviera Beach-based company was not working Saturday.

The trio faces up to two decades in prison when they are sentenced in February.

Hope the toilet paper in jail is soft.....

Right a lot to the other side of the non-existent iron curtain

Last month a group of international scientists made headlines last month after suggesting they were "95 percent" certain they'd found evidence that the elusive Yeti -- or fabled Siberian Snowman -- really exists.

But one scientist who was part of the big snowman hunt tells The Huffington Post that local Siberian officials staged the entire snowman scenario -- all for publicity.

 Oh Yeti is....

And finally:

Back over to the land of the pet and the home of the vet

A rare breed of feline descended from a Perthshire barn cat has become the hottest new pet in Hollywood.

The Scottish Fold – distinctive because its folded down ears give it an appealing “owl-like” appearance – has become one of the most desired cat breeds in America, with celebrities including Kirsten Dunst, Mia Farrow and country music megastar Taylor Swift – who tweeted pictures of her new Scottish Fold kitten last week – shelling out thousands of dollars to get hold of one.

The exotic breed is descended from a white barn cat that lived on a farm near Coupar Angus in 1961, when its unusual folded-ear appearance, believed to be the result of a spontaneous genetic mutation, caught the eye of local shepherd William Ross. He asked for a kitten from the litter for breeding purposes and every Scottish Fold is believed to be descended from that one animal.

Scottish Folds cannot be bred with each other without causing severe genetic mutation, meaning it is common for a litter to contain only one cat with the true folded ear appearance. As a result they regularly change hands for up to £1,000. Prospective owners are often placed on waiting lists or even entered into lotteries for available kittens.

Nowt to do with me.....bless....

That’s it: I’m orf to check for fakes.

And today’s thought: 

Angus

Not even a plan A: Driving up the costs: Suicidal turkey: Naked brain power: Dick ring and other Numptys: and Unsafe sex.

No mist at the Castle this morn, instead we have sky water-lots of it, the study is empty of damaged do-hickys, the garden is in need of a good hoovering to remove all the leaves, the elbow is almost fixed and his Maj is still bringing me worms.

After what seems like a decade since its inception

Next week on the same day that the “Chancellor”, son of a B....aronet  George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne, delivers his Autumn Statement on the economy the independent Office for Budget Responsibility is expected to downgrade its previous prediction that public sector job cuts will be outweighed by a significant expansion in the private sector.

Treasury analysis of forecasts by City experts shows that the number claiming jobseeker's allowance is set to rise from 1.6 million to 1.76 million by 2013 – an increase of 160,000.

So far our beloved “chancellor” has managed to increase borrowing, increase inflation and increase the number of unemployed.

The members of the unelected Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition are a bunch of useless, arrogant, inept, Wankers who couldn’t organise an erection in a pole dancing club....

And:

According to “a study”

The cost of owning a car has risen by more than £800 a year over the past 12 months. Drivers have been hit by soaring fuel prices, a rapid rise in the cost of insurance, higher garage fees and the fall in cars’ resale value.

As a result motorists are now paying 14 per cent more than they did a year ago to run their cars; the increase is nearly three times the rate of inflation.

The figures, produced by the RAC and based on 17 different new cars, show that the average driver is paying £6,689 a year in motoring costs, compared with £5,870 in 2010.

According to the RAC pump prices rose by 12.4 per cent last year, adding £160 to the average driver’s fuel bill.

Insurance has gone up by 14.38 per cent with the average premium reaching £551. Drivers have found themselves footing the bill for rising personal injury class, insurance fraud and accidents caused by uninsured drivers.

Oh dear.....

Over in Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving Day

A wild turkey smashed through a plate glass window at an empty western Pennsylvania restaurant and ended up where millions of its fellow gobblers did-on a table.

Penn Hills police Officer Bernard Sestili told the WTAE-TV the feathered fowl didn't survive impact when it barrelled into the dining room of the Eat'n Park in Penn Hills on Thursday afternoon. The restaurant was closed at the time.

Sestili says he responded when the building's alarm went off.

He suspects the turkey may have been roosting in a nearby tree when it "got up this morning and went for his morning flight and flew into the window."

Stuffed Turkey...

Back over to the cold bit of ex-Europe

According to “scientists” looking at naked bodies boosts brain power.

Scientists in Finland said gazing at nudes activates response regions of the brain and gives it a tune-up.

They said someone looking at a picture of a naked or scantily-clad person processed the image in less than 0.2 seconds, much quicker than the time the brain takes to process a fully-clothed person and kick-starts the mind.

Participants were shown pictures of men and women either wearing everyday clothes or nude. Males’ brain responses were stronger to nude female than nude male bodies, whereas the female participants’ brain responses were not affected by the sex of the bodies.

No shit.....mind you it does depend on the nude.....

Left a bit to the Smoke

A man who turned up at hospital with a ring stuck on his penis had to be cut free by 10 fire-fighters, according to data released today.

It took fire-fighters 20 minutes to remove the ring after staff at Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Woolwich, were unable to prise it from the man's genitals.

Two fire engines were dispatched to perform the delicate procedure, which took place on the evening of May 1.

There were three incidents in one year in which fire-fighters were called to remove a ring stuck on a penis, it was revealed in London Fire Brigade statistics covering April 2010 to May 2011.

The disclosure is one of 417 incidents attended by London's fire-fighters over the last year involving people stuck in objects, machinery and furniture not including road traffic accidents.

The calamities included a man who became stuck in a child's toy car in Kingston-upon-Thames; a youth wedged in an ironing board in Bromley; a person with their fingers stuck in a DVD player in Barking; several children with toilet seats and potties stuck on their heads; and 36 people trapped in handcuffs.

The removal of rings from fingers accounted for 160 incidents, while 74 people had "other" objects removed. 133 people had become trapped in or under machinery or other objects, and 14 people were impaled.

Ah-the good old British eccentric....

 And finally: 

Over to the warm bit of ex-Europe

A naked woman was left dangling over the edge of a banister after she tumbled over the handrail while having sex with her husband.

The 49-year-old, who has not been named, was on holiday in Tenerife at the time of the incident and tumbled while having sex with her partner in a hotel stairwell.

She dropped several feet and was only saved from hitting the marble floor below as her ankle was trapped between two bars.

Her husband contacted the emergency services and firemen freed the red-faced holidaymaker.

She was taken to hospital where she was diagnosed with a broken ankle, and to add to the embarrassment, the sirens on the ambulance weren't working so she had to be given a police escort.

A police spokesman told the Daily Mail: 'Her good luck was that getting her leg caught stopped her from falling. Her bad luck was that she broke her ankle, was naked and couldn't get free.'

He added that while the couple do not face any police charges, they have been warned to think about safe sex in the future.

Daft mare-should know better at her age....

That’s it: I’m orf to investigate composites. 

And today’s thought:

Angus