It wasn’t me

As I sit here in the Castle slowly dissolving into the sofa there is a thought running through what is left of my mind, and that thought is-I am getting more than a tad fed up with being blamed for all the ills in Blighty.

And I suspect that many others of a similar age are of a like mind, because apparently baby boomers are guilty of the state of our once proud nation, we have it seems destroyed the economy, raised taxes so that we can live in luxury on our massive pensions, eliminated growth, executed industry, sent the Eurozone into freefall, brought back whooping cough, invented University fees, euthanized the NHS, demolished the housing sites and thrown the exchequers (our) money into the nearest black hole.

 

Wrong: What “we” have done is work our arses orf for more decades than those right wingers have been on this buggered up world, paid our taxes, so that they can have free education, free health care and a reasonable-ish life. 

Let me enlighten those of you who have been misled so badly by “them”.

And this is not an excuse or a plea for sympathy, just a glimpse into a world you do not know and never will.

 Back in post war Blighty there was not a lot of decent food, believe it or not some of us didn’t live in nice detached houses in leafy suburbs, housing was mainly council estates, there were no “luxuries” such as central heating, bathrooms, inside loos, double glazing, phones, cars or bananas, there were a lot of jobs though mainly because some other bunch of right wing lunatics decided to take over the world and managed to kill orf quite a lot of young sons, brothers and husbands who thankfully stopped them.

But we managed, we managed to get our free education, pass our exams and then help the family out by getting orf our arses and getting a job to bring a bit more money into the family.

Many of us didn’t go to “free” university, not because we were dim but because the greater good came before personal gain.

We had an ethic, which we learned from our parents and grandparents to look after the young, the old and the family, to work for what we wanted and if we couldn’t afford it we didn’t get it.

We didn’t think that the world owed us anything we didn’t expect to move straight from school to Oxbridge, get a degree, move into a nice pad, have a well paid job, buy a BMW and sail though life while everyone else did their own thing, it doesn’t work like that. 

I admit we have been far too trusting of those we elected to look after our interests. We believed them when they said-“you have never had it so good”, and that they would look after the old, the sick those without work and our young.

 

But what we ended up with was bunch of thieving, lying, self interested rich gits who voted themselves into power and so far have managed to make things a lot worse.

And no, I didn’t vote for any of them, but we old farts do vote, usually before the pubs close and not always for those we meant to, and they have realised that we have a certain amount of clout-hence the increase in the basic state pension-or maybe not, and the double U-Turn on care for even older old farts. 

The truth is that the bankers cocked up the economy (average age well below old fart status), the lying Lib Dems (ditto) brought in university fees, the Tories upped VAT and fuel costs, and someone back in eighties deciding to sell orf a large percentage of council houses which led to the housing “boom”.

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is stubbornly set on an economic course that was never going to work (like the 2.6 million unemployed) and is refusing to take a step back and look at the big picture. 

So there it is, decades of mismanagement by politicians of all party colours, decades of lying and false promises which has led to dear old Blighty becoming a third world country, and now turning the young against the old, the haves against the have not’s and all against sundry. 

Blame the politicians, blame your parents, blame him/her upstairs but don’t blame us old farts because we didn’t do it-whatever “it” is.

Angus

Nice one ‘Gov’: The art of “Lords”: Cheesy goodness: Rondon Blidge has just gorn up: Pools and cons in Athens: and living the double entendre.

Dawn’s crack was nice and clear at the Castle this morn, it is a mere 88f in the master bedroom and a ‘cool’ 76f dahn in the kitchen and as I sit here wearing my new shorts a nice cool breeze is caressing my knees.

His Maj has buggered orf to find somewhere cool in the garden and since having the furnace “serviced” a few days ago I have no hot water.

And Blogger is doing strange things to my ramblings...

Up in the Smoke

It seems that the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition has finally gorn and done it- Britain is in its longest double-dip recession for more than 50 years, according to official figures expected today.

Analysts believe gross domestic product (GDP) shrunk by about 0.2 per cent between April and June, its third consecutive three-month period of contraction. That would be the longest double-dip recession since quarterly records began in 1955 and is believed to be the worst since the Second World War. The last, in the 1970s, lasted only two quarters. 

Son of a .......Baronet and alien reptile in disguise George (what recession) Osborne defended the figures and is expected to point to Britain's low borrowing costs and to argue that the eurozone crisis is harming growth prospects in the UK.

The fact that the person in the street doesn’t have any money and is unable to buy things thus keeping “manufacturing” in the Gov rear exit seems to have completely missed what passes for a brain of the Bullingdon Bum Boy...

In the upper bit of the leaning tower of Westminster

As the unemployed exist on less than £70 per week Peers spent tens of thousands of pounds-worth of taxpayers’ money last year on paintings and other art despite the public spending squeeze.

Figures disclosed by Lords’ authorities’ show that in 2011/12 the House of Lords Works of Art Collection Fund spent nearly £175,000 on paintings and statues.

The amount spent is a 10-fold increase on the year before when just £18,000 was spent on works of art

The haul for 2011/12 included a £7,500 portrait of Viscountess Rhondda, by Alice Mary Burton, and a £25,200 House of Lords silver centrepiece by Brett Payne.

The Collection also spent £8,500 on a bust of Prince Philip, and a £5,000 watercolour by Robert Weir Allan of Queen Victoria’s Jubilee Procession on Whitehall.

The largest sum - £108,000 - went on new art bought especially for new peers’ offices at Millbank House in Westminster.

The collection has more than 8,000 works of art – of which 20 per cent are not on display throughout the House of Lords.

The earliest pieces in the collection date from the medieval age, with “major holdings dating from the 18th, 19th and 20th centuries” as well as some modern art.

A spokesman for the Lords said: "“The House of Lords works of art budget for purchases has been halved from £50,000 in 2010/11 to £25,000 in 2011/12. There will be no grant in 2012/13.

“In September 2011 the House of Lords opened a large new office block in Milbank House. A separate grant of £135,000 was provided to purchase works of art for the new building.

I see we are still “all in this together”....




According to the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition

Scientists say the chances of developing type two diabetes could be 12 per cent lower for those who love cheeses.

Although high in saturated fat, it may be rich in types of the fat that could be good for the body, they believe.
The findings on the effect of cheese, published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, come from one of the largest ever studies to look at the role of diet in health.

One reason why cheese lovers may be at less risk of diabetes could be that the fermentation process triggers some kind of reaction that protects against diabetes and heart problems, the researchers said.



Two snags:
 1. The charity Diabetes UK warned against eating more cheese until the results were confirmed in other studies.

Dr Iain Frame, director of research, said: “It is too simplistic to concentrate on individual foods.

“We recommend a healthy balanced diet, rich in fruit and vegetables and low in salt and fat.

2. And I can’t afford to buy cheese anymore anyway....

East to the land of one child families

At about 200 miles northwest of Shanghai, in China’s Jiangsu province, London’s Tower Bridge was added to the replica collection of famous landscapes from around the world.

This collection includes even the Sydney Harbour Bridge and the Alexandre III Bridge.

In addition to these famous structures, there’s a Dutch-like town in the area, complete with windmills and Dutch-style houses.

Often called as the “Venice of the East,” Suzhou is like a second home to China’s Venetian tourists.

Even the “English-style coffee” that everyone loves so much is available at the café at the top of the Tower Bridge.

The only thing that the Chinese Tower Bridge is missing is the raising mechanism to let boats pass by. Otherwise, it looks almost identical to the original one.

Ronderful...

West a fair way to the place where the Olympics started

Allegedly Greece's largest maximum security prison won't get to keep its waterfall-adorned, barbecue-equipped pool.

The Justice Ministry on Tuesday ordered the destruction of a 7.4-meter (24-foot) long pool in the yard of Korydallos prison's psychiatric wing, saying the structure was built without permission and did not comply with health and safety standards.

The pool's existence at the jail near Athens was reported by a newspaper Sunday. The ministry said the structure, reportedly built last year, includes a small rock waterfall and a poolside barbecue installation.

Greece's Prison Officers Association said the pool was built using money the group raised and was restricted to staff and inmates at the psychiatric wing. Korydallos houses some 2,300 inmates, with about 300 receiving some form of psychiatric care.

Overcrowding at Greek prisons has worsened since the start of the country's major financial crisis in late 2009, according to the Justice Ministry and the prison officers association, due to a spike in violent crime and prosecutions for tax-related offenses.

Ah; the old Elfandsafety no pool ploy....

 

And finally:


All across our hot and sweaty land there lurks a veritable volume of naughty names.

We have:

Beaver Close, Surrey

Bell End, Worcestershire

Rimswell, East Riding of Yorkshire

Felch Square, Powys

Fine Bush Lane, Ruislip

Minge Lane, Worcestershire

Dick Court, Lanarkshire

Slag Lane, Merseyside

Hole of Horcum, North York Moor

Cockshoot Close, Oxfordshire

Spanker Lane, Nether Heage

Funbag Drive, Watford

Fanny Avenue, Derbyshire

Shitterton, Dorset

Lickfold, West Sussex

Ladygate Lane, Ruislip

Twatt - there's two! One in Shetland and another in Orkney

Cocks, Cornwall

Cockermouth, Cumbria

Fanny Hands Lane, Lincolnshire

Friars' Entry, Oxfordshire

Fingringhoe, Essex

Crotch Crescent, Oxfordshire

Cumming Court, Gloucestershire 

And my personal favourite: 

Butt Hole Road, South Yorkshire

Don’t you just love Blighty...

That’s it: I’m orf to check out Afghanistan-not for the oil or gas of course

And today’s thought:

Olympic dairy farm

Angus

The blame game: Dave and his daughter: Chuffin bonkers: Ring in a ring: Mantra footie: and Take your pick...

‘tis chucking it dahn at the Castle this morn, the liquid metal gauge is struggling to rise and his Maj thinks that I can control the wevver so that he can go out.

No post yesterday as it was the annual Canadian Grand Prix old farts day out, a drive to Chobham to meet up with five or six other old farts (depending who is still alive) at my rich gits mate’s house, then orf to Teddington lock for a pub lunch, then a trip up the river on his motor cruiser, then back to his house to watch said Grand Prix on his fifty inch, smart, HD, 3D internet connected “entertainment centre” on Sky F1 which started at 7 of the pm.

And as old farts do we all fell asleep and missed the bloody thing, but the weather was nice, luckily I set the thingy to record the highlights on BBC1, but as usual I already know who won....roll on next year...

Son of a B....aronet and alien reptile in disguise

George (I blame all those foreigners) Osborne has decided that it isn’t his Piss Poor Policies which has put bollixed up Blighty back in the recession league.

Apparently Hopes of a British economic revival are being "killed off" by events across the Channel, he claimed.

Writing in yesterday's Sunday Telegraph, George O warned that the deal to rescue Spain's banking system would not be sufficient to end the threat to the UK economy.

He said. "That's why a resolution of the eurozone crisis would do more than anything else to give our economy a boost."

Fuck orf you overeducated shit for brains Bullingdon knob head.....

And U-Turn Cam had to do yet another U-Turn

To retrieve his eight year old daughter from the pub:

Allegedly the Prime Monster, Mrs Prime Monster and a few body guards pulled up to Chequers, two miles away from The Plough in Cadsden, Bucks before they realised she was not with them.

U-Turn Cam jumped straight in the car and rushed back to collect his daughter, arriving at the pub about 15 minutes after the family had originally left.

Upon his arrival he was relieved to find Nancy contentedly helping out the staff, according to reports. Downing Street confirmed the incident had happened after a Sunday lunch but the exact date was not known.

 

Probably because Dave can’t remember it....

And the latest thing for aspiring ball kickers

Is; chanting mantras in the dressing room before games:, Hypnotherapist Sheila Granger’s “mind management” sessions included the lads chanting phrases such as “I can be the best tackler” and “We can score the best goals”. She said: “I also got the boys to sit in a circle and stare at a football in the middle

“I told them to close their eyes and ­visualise playing their best as well as how they wanted the match to go. They almost go into a trance. The idea is to focus their attention and get rid of any distractions.

“I told the team to delete any thoughts of negatives in the past – such as bad tackles from previous games. If you keep focusing on the negatives it can be a distraction.”

It’s only a game.....

East to the land of ex-British rail

How to get 1,000 people on a chuff-chuff in 30 seconds.

Back in rear exit Blighty

Fire crews were called to a hospital to cut off a sex aid after a pensioner had battled for 36 hours to remove it.

Bemused surgeons asked for help when the 69-year-old turned up at North Manchester General Hospital and revealed his problem.

Crews from Blackley station rushed to the ward and used a precision cutting tool to free the patient.

The patient originally turned up at Fairfield Hospital, Bury, at 11pm before he was transferred to North Manchester.

Plans were made to use a four-inch angle grinder to remove the ring-shaped object, but eventually an air cut-off tool was selected.

Cooling cream was applied to the area and the patient was asked to sign a form acknowledging he was aware of the dangers of the operation.

The delicate procedure took place in the operating theatre and is understood to have taken more than an hour.

The man spent the night at the hospital and was released yesterday morning.

It is thought fire-fighters involved were offered counselling following the incident.

Should have used a cucumber.....

And finally:

East a bit to the land that probably won’t be much longer

In the capitol of democracy, Clarke police are trying to track down thieves who stole nearly 400,000 toothpicks from a local toothpick manufacturer.

Six cases of toothpicks went missing from Armond’s Manufacturing Company Inc., 95 Trade St., Athens about two weeks ago, and another seven cases disappeared last weekend, according to police.

Each case contained 288 packages of 100 toothpicks, which brings the total number of purloined picks to 374,400.

The plastic toothpicks have a total value of $2,808, police said.

In addition to the MicroPicks, the thieves also stole cases of white ProPicks, police said.

 

Pick and pack pilferers...

That’s it: I’m orf to use Kinsight to find my keys

And today’s thought:

Touchy-feely winter Olympics

  

Angus  

Blighty is broke: Fuelling poverty: Golf gamble: Lexicon of regionalisms: Winnebago parking: and Rhubarb, rhubarb.

Warm and wet with a whimsy of opaque air at the Castle this morn, the fallic Glu has really taken hold again-I have this urge to find a Portuguese Tart and I am up to three boxes of Lemsip’s a week.

According to

Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I can’t find my purse) Osborne has finally discovered that the Government 'has run out of money' and cannot afford debt-fuelled tax cuts or extra spending.

George (I want to go back to my own planet) reckons that there is little the Coalition can do to stimulate the economy.

So after what seems like a decade in “power” George (I may have to sack two servants) has laid the blame on “that lot who spent all the dosh”-Labour for his lack of fiscal know how. 

But George (My pension would only be £32,977) has decided that he will stand firm on his effort to balance the books by refusing to borrow money. “Any tax cut would have to be paid for, in other words there would have to be a tax rise somewhere else or a spending reduction.”

“In other words what we are not going to do in this Budget is borrow more money to either increase spending or cut taxes.”

In other words George-fuck orf and take the rest of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition with you....

And just to add another joy to existing in Blighty

According to “campaigners” more than nine million households will be living in fuel poverty within four years unless the Government directs £4bn a year from carbon taxes to families in greatest need.

More Britons die every year from living in a cold home than on the roads, they said, with the situation expected to worsen sharply because of soaring utility bills.

A new study has revealed that there are a million more households already living in fuel poverty compared with previous estimates, taking the total to 6.4 million. The study, by energy efficiency experts Camco, suggests that the total will hit 9.1 million by 2016.

A petition is being launched today at www.energybillrevolution.org to raise support for the Energy Bill Revolution campaign. It is already backed by more than 50 charities, unions, consumer groups and businesses, including Save the Children, the National Pensioners' Convention, Consumer Focus and the Co-operative Group.

The good news is-actually there isn’t any......

East to the bit of land between the top and bottom bits of Korea

Is Camp Bonifas’ golf course in Panmunjom, featuring only one hole — a 192-yard par 3 —designed to give some of the 50 soldiers stationed there a bit of entertainment.

Instead of “members only” signs there is a nice reminder- “Danger! Do not retrieve balls from the rough; live mine fields” greets visitors before they step onto the course, which contains an Astroturf putting green and, for some reason, a gun tower.

The minefields surround the hole, and at least one mine is said to have exploded due to an errant slice.

The course was named after U.S. Army Captain Arthur Bonifas, who was one of the few American soldiers killed during the ax murder incident of 1978.

I can think of a few sideboard Ministers that should try it-after the sign has been removed...

West to the home of the accent and the land of the other English language

Language lovers are celebrating the nation's diverse and colourful lexicon with the soon-to-be-published final volume of the Dictionary of American Regional English, also known by its acronym, DARE.

Which contains such gems as- a drinking fountain is called a bubbler in Wisconsin, a dry-land fish to Kentuckians and Tennesseans is an edible mushroom. A tadpole is a pinkwink on Cape Cod. And a toad-strangler in the Gulf States is a turd-floater in Texas and Oklahoma and a fence-lifter in the Ozarks; all three describe a heavy rain.

And ask for a pickle in Nebraska and you might get a lottery ticket.

Super, as the old saying goes- Blighty and America-Two nations divided by a common language

Still in the place where parking spaces are at a premium

Fishermen participating in the annual Lake Winnebago ice fishing contest over the weekend found themselves scouting for their modes of transportation after 36 parked vehicles went through the ice, authorities said Sunday.

"We had some cars that got wet," a dispatcher with the Winnebago County Sheriff's Department said. "We had cars parked on the ice like it was a parking lot. Usually they do park out on the ice. That's not unusual. It's just that they parked too close together. It was too much for the ice conditions this year."

Tournament organizers for the Battle on Bago reportedly warned people about parking on the ice Saturday, but some had trouble finding spots elsewhere and parked on the lake anyway. Of about 50 cars parked on the ice, four were submerged more than half way, 18 were partially submerged, and 14 sunk to the top of their wheels, according to the sheriff's department.

"They all started early in the morning. Throughout the day with the sun and everything else, vehicles started to sink," the dispatcher explained.

The ice was about a foot thick.

The lake is shallow where the cars were parked, and tow trucks were called in to pull out the cars. No one was in the vehicles and no one was injured, the dispatcher said.

The tournament was Friday and Saturday. Sturgeon spearing season on Lake Winnebago ends Sunday.

Several other cars had broken through the ice earlier in the month, authorities said.

  

Probably thought the ‘no parking’ sign meant ‘car wash’ in Wisconsin...

And finally:
 

Back in burgled Blighty

The woodentops in the Smoke has published a list of 30 plants that can help homeowners protect their gardens from thieves, including giant rhubarb and gooseberry bushes.

The guidelines on "How to stop garden thieves" state that people can 'make their home more secure' by planting giant rhubarb - which has 'abrasive foliage' - and 'spiny' gooseberry bushes.

The advice - which even gives the Latin name for the plants and bushes - states: "Your garden, as well as your house, has valued possessions that thieves would love to steal.

"It also has equipment that could help them break into your house.

"Most burglars are lazy. They look for easy ways of getting into a house or garden (and) by taking a few simple precautions you can reduce the risk of being burgled and make your house and garden more secure."

It then lists all 30 plants, stating 'Here are some suggestions for plants to use', adding jokingly: "We have tried to identify the plants mentioned by their correct botanical name, but we cannot guarantee that the plant you buy will not grow into a small, fragrant flowering shrub with no more thorns than a daisy."

Here are some of the Mets suggestions:

Creeping Juniper, Blue Spruce, Common Holly, Giant Rhubarb, Golden Bamboo, Chinese Jujube, Firethorn, Shrub Rose, Pencil Christmas Tree, Juniper, Purple Berberis, Mountain Pine, Blue Pine, Oleaster, Blackthorn and the Fuschia-flowered Gooseberry.

And you could also have Aralia, Chaenomeles, Colletia, Crataegus (including hawthorn/may), Hippophae (sea buckthorn), Maclura, Mahonia, Oplopanax, Osmanthus, Poncirus, Rhamnus, Rosa (climbing & shrub roses), Rubus (bramble), Smilax Prickly ash (Zanthoxylum).

And in many years you will have a burglar proof garden-I prefer the electrified fence but I have got a twelve foot mock orange-if you can dig the bloody thing up you can have it.....

That’s it: I’m orf to get some new specs

And today’s thought:

Golfcraft carrier.

And now back to bed...

Angus

Money in the bank: Too rich to list: Digital socks: Brothel botherer: Manhole Numpty: and Books of wood.

Shallow, slushy and rough at the Castle this morn (just like the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition), just got back from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run at Tesco, the roads are fine-no frost no wind, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.

The French farce continues with a longing for an equine steak...

Up to the part of the Smoke that isn’t

Allegedly the Bank of Blighty Monetary Policy Committee is set to announce on Thursday that it is expanding its Quantitative Easing programme from £275bn to £325bn.

Several members of MPC signalled at their January meeting that they would vote for a further round of QE this month.

City economists had thought the committee would approve a further £75bn of asset purchases this month, but services and manufacturing surveys have suggested that the economy performed slightly better than expected in the early weeks of this year.

Yippee-I claim my share.....

And apparently Councils have given Eric (if it moves I’ll eat it) Pickles the middle finger

Despite ordering them to identify staff earning more than £58,200 a year and any spending of more than £500 council chiefs said they had so many well-paid staff the cost of listing them and their responsibilities could run into hundreds of thousands of pounds. They also said staff safety would be at risk if the public knew how much they earned.

Other councils claimed that taxpayers lacked the “evaluation skills” to decide whether spending was good value for money and would fall victim to “misunderstandings”. Several insisted there was little demand locally for information on how they spent public money.

 Oh shit.....

Over to the left where bits of sand make billions

The latest fashion accessory is flamboyantly coloured, audaciously patterned socks; it seems that wearing flashy socks is more than an expression of your personality. It signals that you are part of the in crowd. It’s like a secret handshake for those who have arrived, and for those who want to.

Lee Sylvia, a sock buyer at Sockshop and Shoe Company, which has stores in San Francisco and Santa Cruz, Calif., said that sales of wild socks were up, an observation echoed by other local sock specialists.

Selling particularly well are geometric patterns, pink and purple, orange and black for the San Francisco Giants, socks with words like “bacon” and “beer,” and “anything with ninjas,” she said.

The most popular styles cost $12 to $40 a pair and are made of combed cotton or wool by companies like Happy Socks, Anonymousism, Paul Smith and Corgi.

Sock it to me?

Dahn Unda

A firm of private investigators in Australia has been advertising for a £50,000-a-year 'brothel inspector'.

The post involves "partaking of sexual services" undercover on behalf of local councils in New South Wales.

The Lyonswood Investigations and Forensic Group in Sydney placed the ad for a 'Brothel Buster Investigator' in My Career magazine.

Applicants were required to be unmarried and preferably single, willing to have protected sex with prostitutes and to provide sworn evidence in court.

Lyonswood operations manager Lachlan Jarvis said the job involved visiting suspected illegal brothels and gathering evidence to prove they were offering sexual services.

"Some jobs require the offering of sexual services, some actually require the partaking of sexual services... because it is considered the most convincing evidence," he said.

Mr Jarvis said the ad had proved popular with Sydney job seekers.

"We had dozens if not more than that apply, it was certainly a popular job," he said, "the perfect job for a male."

I could do that-if I had some blood pressure pills...

Up a fair way to the land of brain dead parents

How not to teach your kids about explosives...

And finally:

Left to the place that looks like a high heel

In Padova University is the collection of wooden books, once a collection of roughly a hundred, nearly half of these rare wooden books have been lost or destroyed since their creation in the late 1700s or early 1800s, leaving only 56.

These books are both about trees and constructed of them, each volume is about a different species of tree, with its cover made from the wood of that tree, showing both wood radial, longitudinal, and cross profiles. And on each spine is a section of the tree's bark.

Inside are the book's contents - but rather than paper describing the tree, each book holds bits of the tree itself. Seedlings, leaves, roots, sawdust, charcoal, flowers, and seeds are all fastened in place and numbered. Each book is accompanied by a handwritten piece of parchment with a legend explaining what each sample is.

Now there’s somewhere to visit-if you are tired of life....

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at Cetus.

And today’s thought:

Angus

The MOT M.O.T.: Formula 0.5: Cutting costs: Big Apple leper colony: Chilly Chilean: Damp dining: and Fancy retiring to Ecuador?

It hasn’t been as cold as this at the Castle since yestermorn, his Maj still refuses to go out and le lurgy France’ has progressed to the point where I can’t feel my dangly bits and I am farting garlic gas.

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Has done yet another U-Turn, this time over the plan for the need to have an MOT test every two years instead of annually.

Transport Secretary Justine Greening said she had decided to stick with the present system, which had been under threat in a review of red tape.

Instead she set out a series of measures designed to improve the service offered by garages after official figures showed more than a quarter of tested cars had defects missed or wrongly assessed.

That’s the problem when you put a Lady in charge of transport-she has the map upside down.....

And staying on transport-sort of

McLaren have unveiled the new MP4-27 for this year’s F-0.5 season, shame we license payers will only see half of the races in full.

And apparently:

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Is on target with its cost-cutting, Analysis by the National Audit Office found departments spent £7.9bn less in 2010-11, as capital, administrative and programme budgets were all reduced.

Departments "successfully managed" within the new limits, it said. But it warned most had "no detailed plan" on how to meet tougher targets by 2015.

Ministers said plans were "on track".

Oh joy; and I expect that those who have seen their standard of living plummet to poverty levels, have waited months for a hospital appointment and have to choose between “heat and eat” will be bleedin ecstatic...

Over the big salty thing on the left

Just 350 yards from the Bronx there lays an abandoned leper colony, North Brother Island was first employed as a quarantine centre in 1885.

It was soon a home to six lepers. Its most notorious resident was 'Typhoid Mary' - the first healthy carrier of any disease ever to be identified - who spent years confined in its bleak woods.

Closed in 1963, it is now a haunting labyrinth of crumbling ruins, protected birds are its only inhabitants and the waters around the island are patrolled by armed coastguards who ensure the sanctity of the former quarantine zone is never violated

Reminds me of Grimly Dark ‘Orspital...

Dahn a bit plus a bit more

Police in the southern Chilean city of Cochrane arrested a man who attempted to steal over five tons of ice from the Jorge Montt Glacier, 1,700 kilometres south of the capital Santiago, El Mercurio daily reported on Wednesday.

A truck loaded with five tons of ice was stopped near Cochrane, the city’s prosecutor Jose Moris told the El Mercurio

Police think the ice was to be sold to Santiago bars for mixing cocktails, the paper said, adding that the driver would face charges of theft and damage to the nation's cultural heritage.

Ice theft is considered a major crime in Chile, according to the daily, as the Jorge Montt is one of the most rapidly receding glaciers. It is a part of the 13,000-square-kilometer Southern Ice Field, the world’s third biggest frozen landmass, shared by Chile and Argentina.

The seized ice, valued at an estimated $6,000, will be used for irrigating drought-hit local crops in Cochrane, El Mercurio reported.

Don’t they have fridges in Chile then....

Across the peaceful sea

In the Quezon province of the Philippines, Villa Escudero is a nice hacienda-style resort with cosy rooms and an exotic atmosphere. But the best bit is the waterfall restaurant that allows tourists to enjoy a nice meal right at the foot of a small waterfall.

People are encouraged to take off their shoes and get as close to the falls as possible. Set right at the foot of Labasin Falls, this special place invites customers to taste popular Filipino dishes, while fresh spring water from the falls flows under and over their feet.

Lovely; apart from the yellow streams running over your plates….

And finally:

Back across to the lower Americas

An international magazine is looking for volunteers to spend a month in Cuenca, Ecuador to test its potential as a retirement destination.

"We're not giving away a free vacation," said Jennifer Stevens, the executive editor of International Living magazine, which launched the competition.

The winner of the competition, who will be announced on May 30th, will receive round-trip air fare for two, a furnished apartment and $1,500 in living expenses, according to an ad posted on InternationalLiving.com.

The magazine said the competition gives it the opportunity to show readers the benefits of retiring abroad.

Applicants must be near retirement age and be willing to relax, explore shop, try local restaurants, maybe take a Spanish class, and report on their experience during an all-expense paid month in the Latin American country.

The only snag is that you must live in the United States or Canada.

Oh well nobody’s perfect.....

That’s it: I’m orf to crate up the Elephants

And today’s thought:

Angus

Non à referendum: Rubbish “art”: Flesh eating bananas: Dead end motor: Marshmallow moron: and how to solve the Euro crisis.

Bloody cold and damp at the Castle this morn, and apparently the Met Office has decided that “winter” is on the way, as we are in December I am not surprised.

My first day as a benefit scrounger was “interesting”, I spent a while filling out forms and talking to an “advisor” who seemed to be about 12 years old and was more interested in how much his pension would be in fifty years time than my lack of employment.

Then I wasted a bit more of my free time checking out the “jobs” on the government computers, it seems that if I want to be a carer, cleaner or a call centre chappie at minimum wage then all is well.

Or not.....

Up in the Smoke to the house with no front door lock

It seems that U-Turn Cam is physic, even before the changes are made to the Euro treaty we have been told by the Prime Monster's spokesperson that a "significant transfer of power from the UK to the EU" was not being discussed in this week's talks on how to resolve the eurozone crisis, so a referendum was not required.

Allegedly Downing Street made clear that the adjustments currently being discussed did not constitute a major shift.

"That's not what's set out in the Act," U-Turn’s spokesperson added.

"The position is set out very clearly. What the Act says is where there is a transfer of powers from London to Brussels, that should trigger a referendum... we have a coalition government and we have a government policy."

Har bloody har...

Up North a bit

Martin Boyce, the artist who transforms gallery spaces into modernist urban landscapes, has won the 2011 Turner Prize.

The ceremony was held at the Baltic Centre for Contemporary Art in Gateshead, where photographer Mario Testino presented the award.

Boyce's installation on display there for the Turner Prize exhibition, Do Words Have Voices, recreates an autumnal park scene with geometric leaves suspended from the ceiling and a stylised rubbish bin in the corner. His attention to detail was so great that he even redesigned the room's ventilation grills to complement his installation.

The judges praised Boyce's "pioneering contribution to the current interest which contemporary artists have in historic modernism". They said his work "uses his knowledge of historic design to create distinctive sculptural installations while opening up a new sense of poetry".

My brain hurts.....

Over to the lack of light continent

Rumours of flesh-eating bananas in Mozambique have sparked a plummet in the sale of the fruit, prompting the health minister Friday to reassure people of its safety.

"From the work conducted by the Ministries of Agriculture, Health and Trade and Industry, it was concluded that there is no record of entry of any infected banana in the country," according to a joint statement.

An email and text message hoax warning people against eating bananas for the next three weeks went viral as people feared being infected by necrotising fasciitis, or skin-eating disease.

In a separate statement South Africa's agriculture ministry denounced the messages as a hoax. It strongly advised against burning the skin around the supposed infection, as suggested in the message.

No worries-can’t afford bananas.

Left to the land of gas guzzlers and the home of the used car salesman

In a lawsuit filed in Oakland County Circuit Court, Margarita Salais of New Baltimore alleges the second hand car dealership's staff sold her a 2006 Ford Expedition last March without telling her it once held a dead body, The Detroit News reported Monday.

"They bought the car while it was still cold out in March," her attorney, Dani Liblang, told the News. "The warmer it got, the worse the smell got."

Salais said when she brought the car back to the dealership someone told her the smell came from a dead animal. She said she filed a claim with her insurance company, whose investigators determined odour was of human origin.

The insurance company later learned the car had been stolen three times, something Salais said the dealer also failed to tell her.

Her efforts to return the car were fruitless and she now seeks $25,000 plus court fees.

Probably be OK after a valet....

Still in the non colonies

A central New York man faces prison time after admitting he threw flaming marshmallows at his neighbour’s house.

The Auburn Citizen reports that 18-year-old John Munger pleaded guilty Thursday in Cayuga County Court to third-degree felony arson.

He admitted tossing the blazing balls of sugar at a gas meter on the side of his neighbour’s house. Although the meter wasn't seriously damaged, Munger admitted that it could have been.

He noted that he was drunk at the time.

No shit...

And finally:

East to the place where one for all and all for one no longer applies

The European Central Bank has launched an iPad and iPhone game that allows the public to see how they would cope with an economic crisis.

The Bank, now battling to save the euro, has produced a computer game in which players set interest rates to keep inflation low and growth steady.

Economia, where the first E is the euro symbol, is promoted with the line: "Will you be a hawk or a dove? Have you got what it takes to be among central banking's best?"

It is unclear how much the game cost to develop, reports the Daily Telegraph.

But sales of the game will not raise the billions needed to bail out bankrupt states - it is being given away free.

That gives me confidence....

That’s it: I’m orf to check out a couple of “supermassive” black holes and I’m not talking about the economy and the place where the deputy prime monster’s nose resides.

And today’s thought:

Angus