Olympic tosspots: Frack orf: Free Wi-Fi: A real laptop: Roadkill bill: A penny for inflation: and There’s an app for that Dave.

Cold, calm and curmudgeonly at the Castle this morn, the butler is inserting fat teenagers in to the furnace at faster than light speed, his Maj has discovered the joy of hiding things in my shoes and then watching as I hobble about, and the falling down and lying in vomit thing is still going on occasionally but at least I now have anti falling down and lying in vomit pills.

Ain’t life grand.....?

I see that the Olympic Numptys still can’t organise a long jump in a sandpit

And London 2012 has suspended the Olympic ticket resale system on the day it was launched after problems with the official website.

Earlier, Locog stopped customers from putting Olympic tickets up for resale but it was still possible for people to buy tickets.

The process was designed to allow people to try to resell their unwanted London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic tickets to others willing to buy them.

The main problem appears to be that the site, run by Ticketmaster, was slow to update sessions which had sold out.

Nah; the main problem is that the twats couldn’t find their arse in a dark room if they had a flaming giant cheese grater.

And dahn ‘ere in the sarf

The US oil firm that triggered earthquakes in the north of England last year has quietly secured permission to use its controversial “fracking” technique across the Home Counties.

Licenses at sites in Sussex, Surrey and Kent have been obtained by Cuadrilla Resources, which blasts high-pressure water, sand and chemicals into shale rock deep underground to extract natural gas.

One of Cuadrilla’s sites is near the Sussex village of Balcombe, close to the London to Brighton train line and within a mile of a reservoir serving 65,000 homes.

Nice; still it will give the “train people” another excuse-earthquake under the tracks....

Up in the Smoke

The largest free Wi-Fi zone in Europe will be launched in central London, providing internet access to millions of people, after a landmark deal between mobile operator O2 and local boroughs.

The deal between O2 and Westminster council and the Royal Borough of Kensington and Chelsea will allow residents and visitors to the capital to access free Wi-Fi on a host of mobile devices.

A statement from O2 said the deal, which would come at no cost to the taxpayer, was particularly important given the number of people expected to visit London during the summer for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee and the Olympic Games.

The free Wi-Fi access will be made available ‘once the Metro wireless network is installed on the street furniture’, the statement declared - adding work would begin this month.

Just the “posh” bits then....

And east more than a couple of keyboards

Allegedly the latest thing is a wearable computer designed and made by a sci-tech company in Yunnan which includes an eyeglasses-shaped mainframe, a mouse and a folding keyboard.

The computer, the first of its kind in China, will be mass-produced and sold in March.

Can’t wait...

Over the big wet salty thing on the left

Anyone with an Illinois furbearer license will be able to salvage pelts or even food from the unfortunate fauna that prove no match for steel-belted radials.

At least 14 states have laws related to Roadkill, including those that let motorists' keep animals they hit, though some pertain only to deer or bears, according to an informal survey for The Associated Press by the National Conference of State Legislatures.

Since Illinois' law took effect in October, Champ, a 26-year-old who lives in Dix, about 80 miles east of St. Louis, has skinned a mink and three raccoons he found dead while driving for his job with an electrical supply company.

He hasn't sold them yet, but pelts from certain wild animals are fetching the highest prices in years, due to a strong demand in Russia, China and other countries where they are valued more for their warmth than as a fashion statement. A raccoon skin routinely gets about $9, red fox $14 and muskrat $6.50, with top dollar often twice that amount. In Illinois, furs — mostly raccoon and muskrat — brought in $1.2 million in 2010, up 95 percent from the previous year.

The state has offered some safety tips for those taking advantage of the law, including urging salvagers to wear gloves at all times and don protective glasses to avoid fluids splashing into eyes. Immediately washing hands and any fluid-stained clothing

Game meat must be cooked to an internal temperature of 160 degrees to kill any bacteria.


Think I’ll miss out on that one, anyway it wouldn’t work in Blighty, there is no market for cat and dog pelts.....or is there?

Staying in the land of the decimal coinage and the home of inflation

A once-cent copper coin from the earliest days of the U.S. Mint in 1793 has sold for a record $1.38 million at a Florida auction.

The news release said the coin is known as a "Chain Cent" because its chain of linking rings was supposed to represent the solidarity of the states. The design was changed to a wreath after some critics claimed it was symbolic of slavery.

Halperin said the auction had more than $64 million in transactions. The show runs through Sunday.

Penny for your thoughts....

And finally: 

Back in bemused Blighty

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition reckons that experts are considering developing a bespoke iPad app that would deliver key data straight to Prime Monster U-Turn Cam’s tablet computer.

Officials said Wednesday that the idea is being discussed, though Dave’s Downing Street office declined to comment on the details.

The Times reported the app could include statistics and information from government departments, real time news and Twitter updates.

Dick head Dave has previously discussed his affection for his iPad, but acknowledged he needed “a little bit of help from someone in IT” to set up the gadget.

No surprises there then....

That’s it: I’m orf to find out whether the fish is an octopus - or vice versa 

And today’s thought:

Angus 

Synchronised cock up: Scrapped for cash: 'diamagnetic levitation': DIY art: Time cloak: and Snow monsters.

Gale is once again howling at the Castle this morn, the study is overweight with wonky what knots and his Maj has discovered the joy of changing the channel on the TV.

The Olympic Knobheads have done it again

Thousands of people who bought tickets to see synchronised swimming at London 2012 have been asked to return them, after the organisers discovered that they had sold 10,000 too many.

The problem arose after the first round of ticket sales last spring.

Synchronised swimming was an event which was not initially oversubscribed.

When sessions for the sport were put back up for sale, a human data error meant thousands of extra tickets, which did not exist, were made available.

About 3,000 customers who bought the 10,000 tickets in the second round of sales have been contacted by Games organisers Locog.

They have been offered the chance to exchange their tickets for other events for which they also applied, and were originally unsuccessful.

Is it really that difficult to do it properly?

 

Dahn at the second hand metal yard

Britain's £5bn-a-year scrap industry is facing tougher regulation as part of a government crackdown on metal theft.

People selling scrap could be required to register and face identity checks.

And cash payments could be banned, to make metal transactions easier to trace, Home Office minister, Lord Henley told the BBC.

Tougher regulation would be welcome according to an industry spokesman, but a cash ban could be counter-productive, he warned - encouraging illegal trades.

Hospitals, the rail network, utility companies, churches and war memorials have all been targeted in recent years by thieves attracted by the rising prices of non-ferrous metals such as copper.

Copper load of that?

Up North a bit

Scientists at the University of Nottingham have used Harry Potter-style powers to suspend fruit flies in mid air.

The technique they used, known as 'diamagnetic levitation', uses a strong magnetic field to allow the insects to become weightless and appear to walk on air.

Author of the research, Dr Richard Hill, and his colleagues, wrote: 'This study shows that the walking speed of fruit flies and their "activity" is altered significantly by counteracting gravitational force.'

He explained that the experiment shows that diamagnetic levitation can be used to investigate the influence of changing gravity of multi-cellular organisms.

Magnetic fields have been previously been used in a range of experiments to levitate organic materials, as well as small living organisms, including a frog, grasshoppers and fish.

Peter Main, a professor at the Institute of Physics who worked on earlier studies in the field, told Discovery News that it would be possible to levitate a human if there was a magnet big enough.

 Yet another load of old bollocks from the University of the bleedin useless.

Right a few imperial units

Art student Andrzej Sobiepan didn't want to wait decades for his work to appear in museums. So he took matters in his own hands, covertly hanging one of his paintings in a major Polish gallery.

On Dec. 10, Sobiepan put it up in a room with contemporary Polish art when a guard at the museum was looking the other way. Museum officials didn't notice the new painting for three days.

By Wednesday, the young artist was getting plenty of attention after a nationwide TV channel reported on his stunt at the National Museum in the south-western city of Wroclaw. He told reporters he hoped galleries would give more exhibition space to young artists as a result.

"I decided that I will not wait 30 or 40 years for my works to appear at a place like this," Sobiepan told TVN24. "I want to benefit from them in the here and now."

I don’t know young people today-want, want, want....

And over the salty thing on the left to another “breakthrough”

Scientists have made an entire event impossible to see. They have invented a time masker.

Their time cloak lasted an incredibly tiny fraction of a fraction of a second. They hid an event for 40 trillionths of a second, according to a study appearing in Thursday's edition of the journal Nature.

They tinkered with the speed of beams of light in a way that would make it appear to surveillance cameras or laser security beams that an event, such as an art heist, isn't happening.

I can do it several times a minute-it’s called blinking…

And finally:

East to the land of raw fish

Some snow monsters.

That’s it: I’m orf to flog an old laptop.

And today’s thought:

Angus

VIP Olympics: In-out Royal Mail: Jobs for the crims: Zom-bees: Old suit: Useless museum: and Hybrid jaws.

Cold, clear and crisp at the Castle this morn, the study is bristling with broken bodge-ups and his Maj has discovered the wonder of the toilet bowl.

It seems that:

While spectators are being urged to abandon their cars and embrace public transport

The four ring knobhead have ordered 4,000 brand new BMWs to escort dignitaries and officials to events.

The fleet of the German cars will include more than 3,000 BMW 3 and 5 Series saloons, which will be permitted to beat the traffic by using especially reserved games lanes across the capital.

The vehicles will be shipped into Britain from BMW’s factories over the next six months.

At least 250 VIPs are expected to be designated their own BMW, exclusively for their use during the games, complete with a personal chauffeur.

Several thousand other member of the so-called Olympic family, including officials, sponsors, dignitaries and athletes will share the remaining cars, worth up to £30,000 each.

Do BMW make cycles?

And; allegedly some postman plonkers have been faking ‘SORRY YOU WERE OUT’ CARDS’

Many customers claimed postmen had not even rung the doorbell before leaving the cards – called P739 forms – to speed up their postal rounds and make the job easier.

Last year 32,000 people complained to Royal Mail about being left a form when they were in – a 14 per cent rise since 2009.

Between June and September last year alone, 8,500 protested to the Royal Mail about it – a 37 per cent increase on the same period in 2009.

A spokesman for postal watchdog Consumer Focus said: “We know these cards are a particular bugbear for consumers and we understand the frustration felt by many when one is pushed through the door when they are actually inside the house.

Make that “many” plus one...

And: Old fart Ken Clarke

Has come up with a “cunning plan” to stop prisoners lying in their cells watching TV, he is going to give them jobs.

Our Ken has just announced tough plans to double the number of inmates working full-time because they are ­currently a “wasted resource”.

Welding, plastering, motor mechanics and printing will be among the jobs they will have to do.

About 10,000 prisoners work a full week at present but this will rise to 20,000 under the new scheme. That represents about one in four inmates in England and Wales.

Every prisoner at HMP Featherstone in Wolverhampton – one of a number of jails tying out the idea – is in full-time employment and gets paid up to £17 a week.

Ninety per cent of their work is making things like beds and ­cabinets for the prison but the jail is trying to attract more ­private firms to get involved. Training in construction, literacy and mechanics is also given.

Once released, almost six in 10 of them – about 50 per cent higher than the national average – go on to find a job or take part in ­further training or education.

There is no way I would encourage young unemployed people to commit a crime just to learn a trade, and all in all it is probably a good idea-except for the ‘printing’ bit.

All around my hat

Apparently Honey bees are abandoning their hives and being turned into “zombies” by a deadly fly parasite in their stomachs.

The parasite makes the bees flee their hives and then walk round and round in circles before dying. It also makes them seek out bright lights.

The parasite lays its’ eggs inside the abdomen of the honey bee. About a week after the bee dies, the pupae emerge from the throats and heads of the dead bees.

Scientists discovered the parasite by accident but they believe it may help them discover what is causing colony collapse disorder which is devastating honey bees in Europe and America cutting some populations in half.

Biology professor John Hafernik, of San Francisco State University, discovered the parasite when collecting bees. Researchers found that after being invaded by the parasite, the bees abandon their hives in what is literally a flight of the living dead to congregate near lights.




That’s put me right orf honey....

Over to the land of the stiff and the home of the aged

An age suit has been developed at MIT which allows the people wearing it to live life as an aged person.

The MIT AgeLab is a part of the Engineering Systems Division, and works on improving the way services are delivered and products are designed for the elderly. The recent creation of the AgeLab is AGNES (Age Gain Now Empathy System), a suit designed to provide an experience of the flexibility, dexterity, strength, motor and visual skills of a person in their mid-70s. AGNES comes at a highly relevant time, when the population of people over 65 years of age has been rapidly on the rise. It is expected to hit 72.1 million by the year 2030. This increases the design challenges faced by engineers and designers to create products that cater to the older demographic.

So put on the suit, and you will know exactly what it feels like to be a 75-year-old. Various bands and gadgets are fitted to the suit to mimic joint stiffness, curved spine, limited movement and more. A helmet worn along with the suit restricts vision and ear plugs provide a loss of hearing. Researches make use of the suit by wearing them and going out to grocery stores to shop for products used by the elderly.



That’s something to look forward to……

Right a lot to where it isn’t Germany 

 An unsuccessful Austrian inventor has won a £400,000 government grant to set up a museum of failed inventions.

Fritz Gall dreamed up the idea of a museum dedicated to the flops and disasters created by other would-be entrepreneurs.

Now - thanks to the grant - he and partner Friedl Umscheid have opened the Museum of Nonsense in Herrnbaumgarten, Austria.

The museum prides itself on utterly useless creations like the 'portable anonymyser' - a piece of black card on a stick so people who don't want to be in the public eye can black out their own eyes.

Or there are the pencils with no lead for cautious civil servants , a padded rolling pin to meet even the toughest health and safety standards and a fully transportable hat stand.

Other batty brainwaves include a bristle less toothbrush for people with no teeth, and a fits-anyone jumper with sleeves in various lengths.

The museum will move to a new expanded home later this year so it can cope with the thousands of visitors who now flock to it every month.

"We have government funding and some private backing and we hope the people out there like nonsense just as much as we do," he added.

My favourite is the portable hole-rectum?...nearly bloody did...

And finally:

Dahn Unda

Scientists have found the world's first hybrid sharks in Australian waters.

Leading researchers in marine biology discovered 57 animals along a 2000 km stretch from Queensland to NSW.
The predators are a cross between the common blacktip shark and Australian blacktip shark, two related but genetically distinct species.

The scientists say interbreeding between the two shark species is a sign the animals are adapting to climate change.

They also warn that hybridisation could make the sharks stronger.

Dr Jess Morgan, a researcher at the University of Queensland researcher, told The Australian that it was unusual for sharks to breed in this way.

"Sharks physically mate, which is usually a good way to make sure you don't hybridize with the wrong species," she said.

Colin Simpfendorfer, of James Cook University's Fishing and Fisheries Research Centre, said: "The results of this research show that we still have a lot to learn about these important ocean predators."

Think I’d rather stay ignorant...

That’s it: I’m orf to copy Vinnie

And today’s thought:

Angus

Olympic gold: Piss Poor air travel: Stoned old farts: DIY La Espana: Free ride: and Saddam’s buttock.

Cloudy, clammy and coldish at the Castle this morn, the study is still empty of fixable what-knots, and the garden is still in need of a medium, fettling. 

It seems that Blighty already has Olympic gold

Olympic bureaucrats have spent more than £100,000 on corporate credit cards in two years, spending taxpayers’ money on 5 star hotels, shopping trips to Fortnum & Mason, Krispy Kreme doughnuts and trophies for staff.

Officials at the Olympic Delivery Authority, the quango responsible for building London 2012 Olympic park, spent £4,350 on hosting board dinners at The Athenaeum, a private Pall Mall gentlemen’s club whose former members include Sir Winston Churchill and the Duke of Wellington.

The full scale of spending on the cards has been revealed following a parliamentary question. Executives also spent £106 on a “get well soon basket” from Fortnum & Mason, the upmarket shop, and £1,475 at Formans, the famous salmon restaurant and fishmongers, in a visit by the Planning Committee.

Other bills include £391.31 at Autosound Ltd, a Bradford company that fits car radios and sat nav devices, and £410 at Brown’s, a London flower shop.

More than £445 was spent at Doggett's Coat and Badge, a pub in London, during a “transport team stakeholder meeting”. The bill for a team-building away day for finance staff at All Star Lanes, a 'boutique’ 1950s-themed bowling alley which serves cocktails and dinner came to £397.

Records show quango staff spent £355 at James Shoe Care, a cobbler’s shop, to engrave trophies for “contractor diversity” and “health and safety” awards, while £94 was spent on Krispy Kreme doughnuts. A spokesman said the sugary treats were bought “to get people to turn up” for events at which contractors bid for projects.

Speculate to accumulate?

 

And:

Ryanair unveils its latest plan to save money

Passengers on Europe’s biggest airline may soon need to cross their legs – or queue to use one toilet between more than 200 people. Ryanair has dropped its plan to charge passengers for using on-board toilets, but is pressing ahead with proposals to remove two of the three lavatories on each plane and replace them with seats.

The airline, which will carry 75 million passengers this year, has only one aircraft type: the Boeing 737-800. Ryanair has installed 189 seats on each plane, the maximum allowed under current rules.

“We’re trying to push Boeing to re-certify the aircraft for six more seats, particularly for short-haul flights”, said Mr O’Leary. “We very rarely use all three toilets on board our aircraft anyway.”

 The airline’s chief executive, Michael O’Leary, told The Independent “It would fundamentally lower air fares by about five per cent for all passengers” – cutting £2 from a typical £40 ticket.

Buckets for sale-£2 each.........

Over in the land of brave and the home of the free

Three senior citizens have been hospitalized after unknowingly eating pot brownies during a memorial service for a friend.

The victims, who are in their 70s and 80s, were admitted to Hoag Hospital on Saturday complaining of "nausea, dizziness, and inability to stand unassisted" after eating the brownies.

"At the service, a tray of brownies were offered that has since been determined to have contained 'medical' marijuana," Huntington Beach Police Department officials said.

"No one was told the brownies contained the marijuana before they were consumed."

All three victims are going to be okay.

Investigators say someone brought the brownies as a tribute to the deceased, who apparently used medical marijuana on a regular basis.

 Ah; the good old Sixties. Seventies. Eighties......

Back over to bollixed up Europe

A cash-strapped Spanish town has surprised its residents by asking them to pick up a broom and sweep their own streets and pavements.

The official request by the mayor of Esparreguera, a town of 22,000 people in north-eastern Spain's Catalonia region, did not go down well with all inhabitants.

"The town hall does not have the financial means at the moment to improve municipal cleaning and gardening services," said the request by Mayor Joan-Paul Udina of the moderate Convergence and Union party.

Apparently Spanish towns are hard up. By the end of June, municipal debts amounted to 37.64 billion Euros ($51 billion), or 3.5 percent of gross domestic product. In addition, the country's 17 regional governments have a total debt of 133.172 billion Euros, or 12.4 percent of GDP.

 

Join the bleedin club.....

East many, many kilometres

Japan will offer 10,000 foreigners free airfares to visit the country next year, in an attempt to boost the tourism industry.

The Japan Tourism Agency plans to ask would-be travellers to submit online applications for the free flights, detailing which areas of the country they would like to visit, the Yomiuri Shimbun newspaper reported.

The agency will select the successful entrants and ask them to write a report about their trip which will be published on the internet.

Don’t forget to pack the radiation suit.......

And finally:

Back in Blighty

Ex-SAS man Nigel Ely, 52, smashed off a buttock from a statue of Saddam Hussein when it was toppled to mark Iraq’s liberation in 2003.

Nigel sneaked the bronze souvenir out of Iraq then paid £385 in excess baggage charges to get it back to Britain and has kept it at home ever since.

Now he is selling the buttock in aid of injured soldiers – and auctioneers think the piece could raise at least £10,000.

Nigel, who was working with a TV news crew as Baghdad fell, said: “When we arrived in Firdos Square the statue had just been toppled and US Marines had erected a cordon of tanks to guard the square.

"But I wanted a piece of the statue and when I mentioned to the Marines I was an old soldier they told me ‘No problem – help yourself’.”

Hansons Auctioneers will put the buttock under the hammer in Derby on October 27. Auctioneer Charles Hanson, of BBC’s Bargain Hunt, said: “It’s unlikely that more parts of the statue survived since almost everything metal or of value in Iraq was scrounged and melted down after the invasion.”

Bum lot-wonder where the winning bidder will “hang” it?

That’s it: I’m orf to source a wildcat 

And today’s thought: "Is this chicken or is this fish? I know it's tuna but it says chicken of the sea." - Jessica Simpson.

 Angus