Taking an Olympic break: C-U next Tuesday: I want one: Parrots: Carrots: and The Candwich.

Super spiffing at the Castle this morn, sunny, warm and calm with the threat of big temperatures later, perfect, the strawberries are just about ready to pick as I lay on the sun lounger, the Talk Talk internet connection is still crap and the kitchen is overflowing with defunct adding machines.

So it looks as if I will be taking a couple of hours orf later this Wednesday.

Unlike those “hard working” MPs who will allegedly avoid the transport delays facing the rest of London's commuters during next year's Olympics by taking their earliest summer break for more than 30 years.

Parliament will rise on 13 July, a week earlier than usual, avoiding the restrictions put in place for the Games.

The extra leave gives MPs about 17 days more time off in the summer than an ordinary worker is entitled to in a year.

Lazy bastards, nice to see that “we are all in this together” is still working (unlike the MPs).

Dahn in Sarfampton there is trouble afoot

A strike by council traffic wardens could lead to drivers enjoying a week’s free parking in Southampton.

The wardens, known as civil enforcement officers, are to walk out on Tuesday in a dispute over pay.

Southampton is one of more than 270 local authorities which has control over parking and keeps the cash raised from fines; permits and money pumped into meters or pay and display machines.

It is estimated that the strike will cost Southampton £100,000 in lost parking revenue.

A spokesman for Southampton council said that managers would step in for the 33 enforcement officers who are expected to take industrial action.

It means that some parking tickets will be issued, especially in council car parks which will be more closely monitored.

A Southampton spokesman said that the council hoped that motorists would be honest and pay for their parking.

I do like an optimist.

Over in the ex colonies

Police in an east Georgia town say they’re investigating how someone could have stolen thousands of dollars in diesel fuel from a local truck stop over the past several months.

The Statesboro Herald reports that Metter police discovered the thefts — which total at least $50,000 — this week at Jay’s Truck Stop along Interstate 16.

Metter police investigator Justin Wells said the same type of thefts might be occurring in neighboring counties as well.

Wells said the suspects are believed to have some type of device to manipulate the readings on gas pumps.

Wells said the thefts date back at least a year, and the total loss could be far higher than $50,000.

I want one! I really want one! Get me one NOW!!!!

Fiz and Buzz on the piste

A Loughborough woman is so devoted to her pet parrots she takes them shopping, cycling, walking - and even on her skiing holidays.

Mother-of-three Jane Hartley, 52, rarely leaves home without black headed caique parrots Fiz and Buzz on her arm.

The brightly-coloured birds accompany her each morning on the school run, help her take the dogs for a walk and sit on her arm while she does the weekly shop.

The pampered parrots are even invited on her annual skiing holiday in the Alps and sit in her pocket while she zooms down the black runs.

Mrs Hartley said: "I know that if I kept them in a cage all the time they would have a miserable existence, so I take them out and about with me.

"I do get a lot of people stopping and staring, but most seem to find it quite amusing. They are only small birds so they are easy to carry around."

Makes you wonder who is “piste”.

Dahn Unda and right a bit

Jail inmates are being offered carrot sticks to help them kick the smoking habit as New Zealand's prison prepare to go smoke-free, The Southland Times reported Tuesday.

Citing an internal memo, the newspaper reported there had been a national directive issued to supply two carrot sticks a day to each prisoner as part of a smoking cessation policy, with the document detailing that one jumbo carrot provided 16 sticks.

Beven Hanlon, a spokesman for the union representing prison staff, said at first he thought the directive was a joke, and he would be surprised if it lasted.

"I don't think it is one of [the Department of Corrections'] best ideas but it is worth a try," he said.

Last week was the final week that prisoners could buy tobacco products, with the items to be formally classified as contraband within New Zealand's 20 jails from July 1.

Oh yeah, that is really going to help, unless they give them a dip to go with them that is.

And finally:

Bread in a can

The Candwich, which has a shelf life of a year, has just gone on sale in the US and online, selling for £7 for a four-pack or £44 for 24.

Twelve flavours are planned, including US-style peanut butter and grape jelly, BBQ chicken and pepperoni pizza.

The peanut butter version requires diners to spread sachets of the filling on to the bread but the rest have the fillings baked inside, like a pasty.

Creator Mark Kirkland, from Markonefoods, said: ‘My original idea was to stack cookies in a soft drink can to sell in soft drink vending machines.

'I started looking for a technology for shelf stable sandwiches, which I wanted because it was a healthy and convenient meal.’

The Candwich’s long shelf life is achieved by controlling water, pH and oxygen levels in the packaging.

Just what we need, a one year old sandwich, mind you British Rail……..

That’s it: I’m orf to check out Graphene.

And today’s thought: 'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.' -Dan Quayle

Angus ,

Gold plated NHS: U-Turn Cam about to do another one: Brockworth back on: Chicago Nuns: Now that’s what I call a pothole: and Mind your language.

Splendiferous day at the Castle this morn, sunny, warmish and calm, it won’t last.

The dog and bone started ringing early and the kitchen will soon be bristling with dead, dying and not very well computers.

The Talk Talk internet connection is still iffy, so apologies for not visiting/commenting but I will soon be connected to Orange.

I see that according to Oxfam the prices of staple foods will more than double in 20 years unless world leaders take action to reform the global food system. 

Been to Tesco lately? It already has.

 In this time of “austerity”

New figures have disclosed that some health service chief executives will retire with annual gold-plated payouts worth up to £110,000 despite the fact that the system currently is under severe financial strain.

The revelations, which compare to the annual pension of just £7000 for an average NHS worker, come as many private pension schemes are falling.

Separate statistics also show that more than 2600 senior managers of hospitals and health trusts are paid £250,000 a year – £107,500 more than the salary paid to David Cameron, the Prime Minister.

It also comes amid heavy cutbacks throughout the NHS as frontline services are hit by budget cuts.

According to the new figures, the chief executives of ten strategic health authorities in England have gold-plated final salary pension pots worth between £1.2million and almost £2.6million.

The biggest belongs to Sir Neil McKay of the East of England authority, and is currently valued at £2.59million, reports suggested.

He is currently paid between £230,000 and £235,000, and he is said to have earned an annual retirement of between £105,000 and £110,000.

Sir Ian Carruthers, from the South West strategic health authority, has an estimated pension pot valued at £2.58 million.

He is expected to receive between £100,000 and £105,000 when he retires.  

I see they haven’t included Andrew Morris the CEO of Grimly Dark Hospital whose pension pot was about £1.5 million back in 2010 (allegedly).

 And I see that U-Turn cam is about to do another one

According to “reports” U-Turn is getting closer to abandoning Andrew Lansley's NHS reforms, and could be prepared to lose his health secretary in the process.

Downing Street has begun 'war-gaming' the scenario in which Mr Lansley resigns after much of his reforms are abandoned, the Sunday Telegraph reported.  

I would like to be present when the arrogant rich git disappears up his own rear exit.

Up in Gloucestershire

Rebel cheese rollers have defied the English weather to take part in a bizarre competition of chasing a 4kg wheel of the dairy product down a steep hill.

Hardcore thrill seekers staged their own unofficial event after the world-famous Cheese Rolling was cancelled for a second year running.

The race had been advertised on social networking sites with a page set up on Facebook and people posting messages on Twitter.

There was a large police presence at entrances to Cooper's Hill, at Brockworth, near Gloucester, but the event went ahead.

The bizarre annual event attracts participants, spectators and media from across the world.

Several hundred spectators braved the fog and rain to watch about a dozen daredevil athletes pursue the Double Gloucester cheese 200 metres down the 1:2 gradient slope.

Competitors slip, somersault and tumble their way to the bottom in spectacular fashion during the bone-crunching races - and the first person to grab the cheese wins.

This year champion local cheese roller Chris Anderson, 23, won the three adult male races while 14-year-old Jo Guest, from Wolverhampton, came out on top in the women's race.

After winning the first race, Mr Anderson, from Brockworth, Gloucester, said: "That's the biggest fall I've ever had, ever.

"I got far too much speed up and had a big fall."

Mr Anderson recovered from his tumble to win the further two adult men races and walk away with three Double Gloucester cheeses.

Asked how he was feeling, Mr Anderson, who is planning to join the army and might not be back next year to defend his crown, said: "Amazing, brilliant. First time I've won all three.

"I'm knackered now and cold and wet.

 One up for the revolution.

 Across to the windy city

Police were today searching for two suspects who robbed a Chicago bank dressed as nuns - in a scene eerily reminiscent of the movie The Town.

The pair, dressed in black nun costumes with rubber masks on their faces, robbed the TCF bank at 1.58pm local time Sunday just minutes before closing time, the Chicago Sun-Times reported.

Both robbers, who were carrying guns, jumped over the counter and ordered two employees to the bank vault where they filled a duffel bag with cash, police said.

Police did not disclose how much money was taken, but said no one was hurt in the incident.

One suspect was described as being male, 170cm tall. He was wearing black and white gym shoes, black gloves and was armed with a revolver.

The other person was female, about 165cm tall. She was wearing black boots, white gloves and carrying a semi-automatic pistol.

The couple left the scene in a silver four-door Chevrolet with tinted windows. 

I know religion is struggling a bit, but that is going too far…

 Over to the land of massive coal mining machines

An investigation is under way in northeast China after a giant hole opened up in a road bridge, swallowing a passing lorry.

Two men who were inside the lorry were injured when the road collapsed beneath their vehicle, causing them to plunge into the river below.

The hole in the bridge measured approximately 14 metres by five metres, and developed in a section of the bridge that was built as an extension in 1995.

Local media reported that authorities suspect the lorry, which was carrying steel pipes, was overloaded.

Earlier in May, another lorry fell through a giant sinkhole that opened up in a Beijing Street, with reports that it could be due to construction work for a subway system.

And in February three people were injured when a motorway viaduct collapsed in Shangyu, Zhejiang Province.

The Foreign Office warns the "poor quality of roads and generally low driving standards" make road travel in China particularly dangerous. 

Same problem here in Blighty.

 And finally:

 Back in the poor, old, tattered land of everyone’s father

Swearing in public could result in boisterous people being fined £80 in a new police initiative to combat anti-social behaviour.

Officers in Barnsley, in south Yorkshire, have been told to monitor the language of people out shopping, eating or merely relaxing in the town centre.

If the member of the public is heard to swear and the profanity is judged to be potentially causing offence or intimidation, the officers have been told to intervene.

The first option is simply to tell the individual to moderate his or her language but if that is unsuccessful, the officer can fine the person a maximum of £80.

Members of the public have also been asked to report offensive and intimidating language, including swearing.

You have been warned-fucking cheek…..

 That’s it: I’m orf to check out my electrons.

 And today’s thought: By the time you find greener pastures-you are too old to climb the fence.

 ,,

Angus

Edu-nepotism: Diamond weekend: No pot for tourists: Raising the dead: Rats eat pig: and Bullet proof dentures.

Same again at the Castle this bank holiday morn-dark, damp and dismal, the Talk Talk internet is on its last legs, the kitchen is empty and the new resident is eating me out of house and home.

Roll on tomorrow. 

I see that Schools will be able to prioritise places for the children of teachers, cooks, cleaners and caretakers under a Government reform of admissions rules.

They will be given new powers to prioritise sons or daughters of staff members for the first time as part of a plan to give more power to individual schools.

Ministers insisted the change would allow heads to attract the best candidates and ease the burden on parent teachers.

But the move is likely to raise fears it could lead to a further reduction in the number of places available for other families in local catchment areas.

 

You think? 

Feel good Summer

Britons can look forward to a four-day weekend in 12 months' time to mark the Queen's Diamond Jubilee.

Ministers and Buckingham Palace will announce the official timetable of events marking the monarch's 60 years on the throne this week - with highlights including a nationwide Sunday lunch and a river pageant.

The government will "put back" tomorrow's annual May Bank Holiday to Monday 4 June next year, and will add a special Jubilee Bank Holiday on Tuesday 5 June. An announcement confirming the plans is expected on Thursday.  

Oh Joy…. 

Across to the land of tall, stoned people

Foreigners will be banned from Holland's infamous cannabis-selling coffee shops under new anti-drug laws.

Under the new rules only Dutch residents will be allowed to enter the shops, which lawfully sell small amounts of cannabis to customers, the Daily Mail reported.

By the end of the year customers will have to sign up for a one-year membership, or "dope pass", to the shops.

The legislation, branded "tourism suicide", has been spearheaded by far-right politicians convinced that the move will discourage the "wrong" type of visitors.

"This law will put an end to the nuisance and criminality associated with coffee shops and drugs trafficking," a statement from the Dutch health and justice ministries said.

Drug tourists have been causing all types of trouble in the country, Joep Delsing, spokesman for the mayor of Maastricht, said.

"They block streets in the city centre, they don't respect parking rules, they are noisy and, when they go from one coffee shop to another, they urinate and vomit in the street," Mr Delsing said.

Sounds like any town centre in Blighty on a Friday/Saturday/Sunday night-There goes my weekend away…..

Dahn Unda

A wave of "supernatural" schools that claim to teach people how to heal the sick and even raise the dead are netting tens of thousands of dollars for fundamentalist Christian church coffers.

Hundreds of people across southeast Queensland flock to the courses every week, paying up to $720 to learn "faith healing" practices that allegedly trigger miraculous recoveries from broken bones, infertility and even cancer.

The Holyfire Ministry Training School at Park Ridge, which offers a subject called Healing the Sick & Raising the Dead, recommends taking children on "treasure hunts" public outings to practise healing on strangers. "Children are great to have on Treasure Hunts. They are less threatening," its material states.
The courses are linked to Bethel Church, a Californian evangelical group that is targeting Australia with its "School of Supernatural Ministry" brand.


Sounds a bit “sick” to me.

Still Dahn Unda

When South Australian farmer John Gregory entered his piggery he could not believe what he saw - mice attacking his pigs.

Since he first saw them dining out on his prized stock he has been at his wit's end about how to get rid of them.

Now, as a desperate last resort, he is covering his pigs at a farm property in Wynarka, 130km east of Adelaide, in engine oil to protect them from the mice, with the rodents apparently turned off by the taste.

"The mouse problem got really bad in April," Mr Gregory said.

"We went away in the school holidays and when we came back we drove up the driveway and it looked like the ground was moving - there were hundreds of thousands of them."

Mr Gregory, 50, said he put engine oil on his 15 pigs to protect them from the sun about once a month.

"But now I oil them every week, because the mice have run out of food and they're just eating anything, so they were climbing up on the pigs and chewing them," he said.

"The oil stops them eating the pigs because they don't like the taste."

And with mouse bait so expensive, he said farmers were resorting to home recipes to kill the vermin, which had multiplied to plague proportions because of summer rain producing great crops - ideal mouse food.

"Being farmers we're always trying to do things cheap," Gregory said. "I mix icing sugar and cement. The icing sugar attracts the mice, they eat it and then the cement clogs them up."

He could always buy a cat-or a thousand…piggin mice.

 And finally:

Right a fair bit to the land of odd crinkly hair.

An elderly Brazilian man shot in the face escaped death when his dentures deflected a bullet headed for his brain.

A hospital official says that 81-year-old Zacarias Pacheco de Moraes was shot on Thursday while working in a bar he owns in the small western city of Alta Floresta.

Jose Marcos da Silva was quoted by Globo TV's G1 website on Saturday as saying that the bullet probably would have pierced Moraes' brain if it hadn't first hit his dentures before lodging in his throat. The official said the bullet will not be removed immediately because surgery right now would be too risky.

Silva said the patient was in stable condition but in danger of losing part of his eyesight because of the bullet's trajectory. He did not elaborate.  

Good job they weren’t NHS dentures….

 That’s it: I’m orf to close my Twitter account.

 And today’s thought: The road to success is always under construction.

,

 Angus

15 Years on a database: U-Turn Cam-orf to Ibiza: Mouse racing: Washing machine murder: Leerkats: Old Farts in the driving seat: and Animal rescues.

Usual at the Castle this morn, coldish, darkish and windyish, after the sky water the lawn is a nice green/brown mixture and the roses have exploded into bloom. 

And I see that dangerous Cucumbers have caused 10 deaths in Germany.

Always knew that salad was bad for you.

The Piss Poor Policies Coalition Millionaires Club has defended plans to keep the personal data of passengers flying between the US and UK for 15 years.

Despite coming to power with a pledge to destroy the database state and enhance people's protection from state intrusion, the government has pushed hard for comprehensive data collection from European and American passengers.

 U-Turn Cam does it again.

And staying with U-Turn Cam, his coat hanger and brood are orf to Ibiza for a week, taking advantage of the parliamentary recess; the Cameron’s flew by easyJet from Stansted for their first family holiday since the birth of Florence last August.

Coat hanger Cameron travelled with their baby daughter on Friday, while her husband flew out with their elder children – Nancy, 7, and Arthur, 5 – yesterday morning.

It is understood that coat hanger Cameron attended the International Music Summit – the annual event for the dance music industry dubbed the "Davos for DJs" – at Dalt Villa overlooking Ibiza Town, partying until midnight on Friday. The Cameron’s are visiting friends who live in Ibiza. Although Mrs U-Turn Cam is a long-time friend of Mick Jagger's daughter Jade, who has a luxury villa on the island, sources declined to confirm that this was where the family were staying. 

Nice to be able to afford a holiday…

Left a lot to Iowa

Officers raided the Bucktail Lodge last week in search of code violations and to shut down the Mouse racing den.

The sleepy country bar was also cited for several health violations from the on-site rodents, old food and trash in the building's basement.

When the mice aren't competing, they are adored as pets in the family's apartment above the bar.

"It's not like they are getting ate, 'If you're a loser you die.' It's not like that," said Beach.

For now, the races are on hold, but the mice racers said they will be in court to fight for the right to their rodent-race night. They said the incident makes it clear that the local police have little to do.

"There's no meth heads or makers around here, you just gotta mess with the mouse racers," said Beach.

 Sounds like rodent racing is orf.

Still in what used to be the colonies

Dahn in Florida, a woman allegedly flooded her home when she fired a rifle at a target inside her husband's wardrobe, missed and hit the washing machine instead.

Deputies entered the home in Hesperia, St Lucie County, to find "a lot of water on the floor covering most of the residence", according to Sheriff's Office records.

The 21-year-old woman and her husband, 33, are divorcing but had spent an evening together in hope of a reconciliation, reports WPTV.

They had a "good evening" but later started arguing when she told her husband she had a new boyfriend. She said her husband "went crazy" and started shooting indoors.

However, the woman later told deputies she had been shooting the AR-15 rifle with her husband. Asked to write a sworn statement, she allegedly said: "I'll try my best but I'm drunk."

The man told deputies he and his wife had been firing the gun at a target in a bedroom closet and his wife missed a shot while he was outside and struck the washing machine.

Investigators found cartridge casings in the master bedroom, and a target in the wardrobe. Bullet exit holes were found in the wall opposite the washing machine which was riddled with bullet holes.

Deputies said no charges have been filed and the investigation is ongoing.

 

All washed up then….

Back in Blighty

Meerkats at a new enclosure at Longleat Safari Park have developed a fetish for women's sandals and painted nails – and have even been sneakily peering up visitors' skirts.

The creatures seem to be enjoying their new enclosure in Jungle Kingdom – an enclosure into which visitors can enter and walk among the Meerkats – but their foot fascination has forced staff to put up warning signs about their keen interest in feet.

Keepers have been kept on their toes and have been on alert over the past week, watching out for the 19 adventurous 'Leerkats'.

Keeper Catriona Carr said: 'We've had to keep an eye on anybody wearing sandals or flip-flops, especially if they have painted toenails.

'They seem to be more attracted to reds and blues for some reason. We're not entirely sure what it is about the feet. It might be the bright colours of the footwear and toenails, the movement of the toes or even the smell. 

I blame the government….

 

Ford has come up with a driver’s seat for Old farts

With more of its customers now falling into the over-65 age bracket, it says it makes "good business sense" to focus on the health of its drivers.

Six small sensors fitted into the back of the seat trace the heart's rhythm in the same way as an ECG.

If a problem is spotted the car could alert the driver and even bring itself to a halt.

And vital information could be sent to medical centres via the driver's mobile phone.

Ford believes its seat, which it says needs another couple of years of road-testing, could reduce the number of accidents caused by heart attacks at the wheel.

With 23% of Europe's population expected to be 65 or older by 2025, and 30% by 2050, the number of drivers at risk of heart attacks is likely to rise considerably in the coming decades. 

No more looking at young ladies in short skirts then….

 And finally: 

Fire services have spent at least £3.5m rescuing animals in the past three years including a snail, a cow and a lost duckling.

Firemen helped 17,000 animals over the period, and only four of Britain's 56 fire services have passed on the cost of the rescue to the owners.

The figures were uncovered by a Freedom of Information request for BBC Radio 4's You and Yours programme.

A crew of nine with ladders and nets rescued a cat that had been stuck 60ft up a tree near Weston-Super-Mare, Somerset, for three days.

In total more than 2,400 cats, 2,180 dogs and 1,700 horses have had to be rescued by firemen. Crews saved 2,090 birds, including 1,244 seagulls, 159 pigeons, 57 swans and 12 parrots.

Twenty-six foxes, 19 squirrels, seven ferrets, seven badgers, ten hamsters, 15 snakes, 11 fish and seven dolphins were also rescued.

The Taxpayers' Alliance questioned the use of resources, but the Chief Fire Officers Association (CFOA) insisted distressed animals could pose a danger.

Twenty-five fire services supplied the programme with figures detailing their total costs for rescuing animals.

Of those, Northern Ireland spent the most with £813,485, Devon and Somerset came second, spending £561,912.

We do pay for the service, and if they aren’t fighting fires it must be good practice, well apart from the snail….

 

That’s it: I’m orf to watch a couple of galaxies having a bang.

 And today’s thought: "Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self". - Cyril Connolly. 

,

Angus

Barmy rights: Phil the Gaffe: U-Turn Cam defends foreign aid: Clamped Coppers: Fishy law: Evil Bob: and Testing danger.

Cold, dark and calm at the Castle this morn, the kitchen is empty of any sort of broken thingies, and the butler has had to throw a couple of fat teenagers into the furnace.

My Talk Talk connection is getting worse, it is now orf more than it is on, and when it is working it moves at the speed of justice.

I see that the Law is now worse than as Ass, it has become the horses’ todger.

A burglar has been freed early from jail – because keeping him locked up breaches the human rights of his children, judges ruled yesterday.

The Court of Appeal said making Wayne Bishop serve an eight-month sentence would damage the well-being of his five children because he is their sole carer.

In what is believed to be a first, the ruling sparked fears that thousands of criminals could now try to use the human rights of their family to avoid prison.

Bishop, 33, from Nottingham, was jailed for eight months in April after admitting burglary and dangerous driving.

But his legal team argued in the Court of Appeal yesterday that because he is the sole carer of his five children – aged between five and 13 – for five nights a week it was not in their "best interests" that he stay in prison.

His QC, Ian Wise, told Mr Justice Maddison and Mr Justice Sweeney that the Nottingham judge who sentenced him had not properly taken into account the effect on the children.

And arsehole “Wayne” didn’t take into account the effect on his children when he went out robbing other people.

As Prince Phil the non Greek reaches four score years and ten

The Torygraph has published ninety of his facial orifice gaffes, click on the link above if you have the time and inclination.

A snippet.

 53. "People think there's a rigid class system here, but dukes have even been known to marry chorus girls. Some have even married Americans." In 2000.

 Tosser.

And U-Turn Cam is defending giving our money to foreigners.

Piss Poor Policies “Dave” launched an outspoken defence of the foreign aid budget yesterday, accusing his critics of advocating a policy of leaving the world’s poor to die.

The Prime Minister branded fellow leaders ‘a bunch of people in suits’ who break their promises on giving. ‘I’m not prepared to do that,’ he said.

He cited Live Aid in 1985, saying it had helped persuade him that the UK must keep pouring billions into the Third World.

Yesterday Dickhead Dave signed a deal at the G8 summit in Deauville in France to hand £110million of taxpayers’ cash to Egypt and Tunisia over four years.

But while world leaders pledged to give up to £12billion, most refused to make any specific promises of cash, despite private pleas from the Prime Minister.

The Mail revealed yesterday that Britain was the only country that came close to matching the targets made by world leaders at the Gleneagles summit in 2005.

I give up…..

Dahn in Pompey

Two police cars were clamped while royal protection officers sat inside during a visit by the Queen, police said yesterday.

The incident happened when the Queen made an unannounced visit to Portsmouth to have lunch on a luxury yacht on Wednesday.

The officers were sitting in their unmarked cars in private residents’ spaces at the Gunwharf Quays marina retail complex.

The clamper, Gareth Andrews, 37, of Fareham, Hampshire, was arrested and charged with wilfully obstructing a police constable in the execution of his duty.

He was also charged with contravening the Private Security Industry Act by not displaying the appropriate licensing badge.

Mike Eames, managing director of the parking enforcement company, denied the officers were in the cars when they were clamped.

‘A member of our staff immobilised two cars parked in private residents’ bays,’ he said. ‘A plainclothes police officer produced his warrant card and requested that both vehicles be released.

‘Our member of staff confirmed he would release the vehicles if the officer would provide confirmation that he was on duty. The officer declined and arrested our member of staff.

‘At no time did the police officer identify himself as a royal protection officer or make any mention of the Queen’s visit.

‘There were no officers in the vehicles during the incident and our member of staff was correctly displaying his licence.’

You decide who is telling porkies.

Across to the last red bit on the map

Bureaucrats have added insult to injury for a corn farmer south of Montreal whose fields have been damaged by near-record flooding.

Martin Reid says he's been forced to buy a fishing licence to remove carp that are swimming in a metre of water on his flooded-out fields.

He says he bought the permit to avoid the problems he faced the last time he was forced to remove fish from his flooded farmland. In 1993, Reid was fined $1,000 for illegal fishing.

"My father and I ... were charged by Fisheries and Oceans Canada," Reid recalled. "We were jointly responsible for having caused the death of fish for reasons other than sport fishing."

Reid says the fine will jump to $100,000 if he's cited a second time.

He's under strict orders to safeguard the lives of the carp once he begins to expel them. 

Oh do stop Carping on Martin.

Back in Blighty

Pig farmer Tem Sosa is giving away her pet border collie, Bob, for free and has made no qualms about the thieving, bad-tempered dog's wonky teeth and bad breath in her frank advert.

‘Evil Bob would love to find the perfect home as I have put up with him for nearly ten years and can’t take much more,’ she wrote on the second-hand sales website Preloved.

‘He is probably the worst dog you will ever meet. He started life as a failed mountain rescue dog – probably peed on the climber and stole their Kendal mint cake.

‘He has caused nothing but trouble here as he doesn’t fit in well with a large group of dogs.

‘He looks older than his years, has wonky teeth, bad breath and a bad attitude. He is terrified of cats, snaps at horses’ heels and nips pigs.

‘He should not be left unsupervised indoors as he steals food off the side, licks the cooker and pees at terrier height so as not to get the blame.’

Mrs Sosa did concede that Bob was not all bad: ‘His few good qualities are he travels quietly in the car and will lie under your desk at work all day,’ she added. 

Bless.

And finally:

Still in our damp, cold, windy land

More than 300 learner drivers and examiners were injured during driving tests in Britain last year, figures reveal.

Five examiners suffered physical attacks and 209 reported being verbally abused as stress got the better of candidates, according to Driving Standards Agency statistics obtained by windscreen repair firm Autoglass.

There was even one death recorded, although it was the result of a heart attack which was not attributed to the test. 

That’s one way to keep the maniac’s orf the road.

 That’s it: I’m orf to apply for some green incentives. 

And today’s thought: a Daft Old Fart got a call from a user. The user told him that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the Old Fart concluded that the computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her to "Unplug the power cord and bring it here and I will fix it."

About fifteen minutes later she shows up at his door with the power cord in her hand.

,

 You couldn’t make it up.

 Angus

Going out: Coming in: El Papa’s stripper: Wheelie big saw: Beanz meanz NZ: and Goosy Goosy Dentist.

‘Tis cold, dark and windy at the Castle this morn, oodles of wet stuff yesterday and last dark thing, which has made the garden smile-and me because I don’t have to drag the watering can around.

I had several phone calls from Mac owners who have acquired a virus on their “inviolate” laptops, so I downloaded the SophosLabs free antivirus for Mac, deleted the Leap-A worm and charged them double.

Why? Because I can…….

The Talk Talk internet connection is still iffy, and the rain doesn’t help, modern technology.

I see that “we must reduce the deficit” U-Turn Cam has decided that “We” can afford to give away £100 million or so to the Arab Spring countries.

British officials said that the Piss poor Polices Prime Minister, David Cameron, was ready to promise £110m in aid for such countries over four years. The initial beneficiaries would be Tunisia and Egypt.

Today's summit declaration is expected to promise a "durable partnership" with Egypt and Tunisia and any other Arab countries which overthrow autocratic rule. Cairo has asked for $10bn to $12bn (£6.1bn to £7.3bn) by the middle of next year. Tunisia says it needs $25bn over five years.  

The cost of democracy.

And talking of Piss Poor Policies

Net migration in to the UK soared by almost half last year and is now close to the record levels of 2005.

It is the fifth quarter in a row that net immigration has risen signalling a worrying upward trend.

And two of the main drivers were a slump in emigration and a sharp rise in Eastern Europeans coming to the UK for work – two areas that will not be affected by the Government’s annual cap or other immigration measures.

Figures from the Office for National Statistics (ONS) yesterday also showed:

: The number of foreign workers increased by 1.7 million in the last decade and accounted for all the increase in employment levels over the period.

: Work visas increased by six per cent in the year to March 2011

: Asylum claims increased by 11 per cent

: Migrants granted settlement in the UK increased by four per cent

U-Turn Cam has promised to cut net immigration, the difference between those arriving and those leaving the UK, to the “tens of thousands” by 2015.  

Not working is it.

Apparently the ex Nazi what’s his name El Papa has shut down a famous community in Rome that organised dances by a former nightclub dancer nun and hosted VIPs like Madonna, earning the disfavour of the Vatican.

The closure of the monastery of Santa Croce in Gerusalemme, which holds some of the Church's most prized relics, was reported by Italian dailies La Stampa and Il Foglio.

The reports said the community of Cistercian monks based at the church for more than five centuries was being transferred to other churches in Italy.

Contacted by AFP, the Vatican did not deny the reports.

The basilica had become a hub for the Friends of Santa Croce, an aristocratic group, and had been criticised for some unorthodox practices including dances in which nuns pranced around the altar.

One of the nuns who performed at the church, a former disco dancer, can be seen in a YouTube video performing a modern dance with a crucifix. 

Seems like fairly normal behaviour for the Catholic Church to me.

Right a fair amount to one of the ‘Azakhstans

The world's biggest saw helps workers in Kazakhstan plough through hillsides by digging out 4,500 tonnes of coal an hour.

Towering in at just over 145 feet and weighing a staggering 45,000 tons, the massive machine obliterates anything in its path.

The saw has jagged buckets attached to the rotating blade - which works in a similar fashion to a chain saw.

The buckets dig deep into the coal seam and break off mammoth chunks - before it travels around a conveyor belt and straight into containers positioned on waiting trains.

The mammoth excavator needs a total of 27 people to operate it at any one time.

As giant as this mighty tool is, it is hindered by one flaw: it only travels at one mile every three hours.

 I pity the poor sod that has to change the blade.

Dahn Unda and right a bean

Heinz Australia will shed more than 300 jobs when it moves some of its operations in Victoria, NSW and Queensland to New Zealand, the company announced today.

The decision will result in the loss of 160 jobs at Golden Circle's Northgate plant in Brisbane, 146 jobs at Girgarre in northern Victoria and another 38 jobs at Wagga Wagga, in NSW.

Heinz will shift production of sauces, beetroot and some meals products from these facilities to its operations in Hastings, New Zealand, it said in a statement.

Heinz Australia chief executive Nigel Comer said the decision was made after an extensive review of the company's manufacturing operations. 

Or in other words-cheaper.

 And finally: 

Dahn in Surrey

A retired dentist suffered a broken leg after driving his quad bike into a tree while being attacked by a goose.

Jan Pieniazek was chased around a lake by an over-protective male Canadian goose as he tried to collect some grain from a neighbour's garden for his chickens.

He jumped on to his quad bike to escape but the hissing bird flew at him, landed on his head and knocked him off course.

Terrified Mr Pieniazek crashed into a tree and was left flat on his back in a field in Cowfold, near Horsham, until a neighbour heard his cries for help and called 999.

He said: "I went past the lake where there are a pair of Canadian geese. The female was sitting on her eggs on an island.

"The male always flaps his wings and hisses to protect the nest but on this occasion, he followed me all the way around the lake.

"Out of the blue he then landed on my head when I got on the quad and I drove straight into a tree.

"I heard a big crack in my leg bone. I was 200 yards from he nearest road so I screamed and screamed until a lady from a cottage down the road came to help me."

Paramedics and the Sussex Air Ambulance attended.

An Air ambulance spokesman said: "His tibia bone was protruding through the skin so we anaesthetised him, administered a strong painkiller and reduced the fracture.

"We then splinted his leg and made him more comfortable."

Mr Peiniazek is now recovering at home and is hoping to be back on his feet within six months,

The geese now have a family of six goslings.

A retired dentist…maybe there is someone upstairs: and at least the Goose is OK.

That’s it: I’m orf to test out my Bat Sight. 

And today’s thought: Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that." - Bill Clinton, former U.S. president.

 Angus