Ooh Aar Tourist tax: Toothy, toothy Crems: But is it art?: Hamster abuse: Shrek gets stuffed: and Upwell Elfandsafety.

Bit iffy at the castle this morn, cloudy, more than a bit cold but calm, his Majesty has now discovered the joy of diving under the duvet and attacking my feet at three in the am, the kitchen is full of ailing thingymajigs and it seems we are heading for a drought.

No politics today, same old, same old, but I see that the Church is not happy with the Millionaires Club Coalition, the Piss Poor Policy of welfare to work begins today, and: Prince Phil has decided that now he is Ninety he will “slow down” and have a bit of a rest.

Considering he has done fuck all “proper” work for the last seventy years his life won’t change that much.

Down in the County of surfing, extortionate car parking charges and lots of hills

It seems that the knobs want to rip off tourists even more. Under plans disclosed on Thursday tourists could be charged £1 for every night they stay throughout the county.

Town Hall bosses are investigating the tax proposals that they say will help pay for up-keeping infrastructure as the number of visitors dramatically increases in the summer months.

The council estimates such a “tourist tax” will raise an extra £25 million in revenue.

According to latest council figures, Cornwall's population swells from about 500,000 to more than five million during summer months. This, the council argued, places enormous pressure on the county and local services.

That should make Devon a lot more tempting...

And apparently it is going to cost even more to die

The cost of cremations is going up – because of toxic mercury fillings in the teeth of the dead.

By 2013 all UK crematoria must have filters to stop the metal leaking into the atmosphere when bodies are burnt.

Already Barnsley Council has increased fees by £18 to cover the added cost.

Do you get a discount if you have dentures?

Up in the smoke

When park workers removed a graffiti-covered discarded mattress, they had no idea they were dismantling a piece of modern art worth £1,000. The apparent rubbish was a work by Johnny Doe as part of the Art Free For All exhibition in Alexandra Park, north London. One of the organisers realised the workers' mistake in time and stopped them before they reached the tip.

The exhibition features works by 35 artists dotted around the park. Telegraph photographer Eddie Mulholland wandered around Alexandra Park taking pictures of objects that caught his eye.

Load of old bollocks (and rubbish).

Across the channel

The European Union's highest court officially reprimanded France for not doing enough to care for hamsters.

The Court determined the country had shown a lack of due care towards its dwindling population of the rodents

Things may be looking up for Frogs....

Dahn Unda and right a bit

Museums are vying to display the remains of New Zealand's most famous sheep, Shrek, and a church memorial in his honour has been postponed to accommodate global media interest, reports said Friday.

The merino became a celebrity in 2004, when he was found in a mountain cave six years after wandering off from his flock. He was sporting a massive fleece that made him appear three times his normal size.

The fleece was sheared for charity and weighed in at 27 kilograms (60 pounds), around six times the wool normally gathered from the average merino.

News of Shrek's death this week made the front pages of New Zealand newspapers and led television bulletins in a nation where sheep outnumber the human population of 4.3 million by almost 10 to one.

Mindful of the sheep's immense popularity, museums are reportedly keen to put Shrek's body on public display, a move that would confirm his status as a New Zealand icon alongside 1930s racehorse Phar Lap.

The country's national museum, Te Papa in Wellington, told the New Zealand Press Association (NZPA) it was in negotiations to exhibit the famous ovine.

Mutton dressed as a cardigan?

And finally:

Back in Blighty

Upwell Primary school plans to ban mums and dads from the annual sports day because of some parents’ concerns about their children mixing with “strangers”.

Now the Norfolk school could hold it behind closed doors for the first time in its 130-year history

Many parents are furious at the proposed ban which comes after members of the public attended a kids’ art event at Upwell – some parents kept their kids at home over concerns for pupils’ safety in mixing with visitors.

One angry mum said if the sports day ban went ahead many would keep their kids off school in protest. She fumed: “This is going to upset parents even more.”

Head teacher James McBurney said it had been a tough decision. He said: “It is with the greatest and sincerest regret that, in light of recent events, Sports Day is likely to take place without parents being invited.

“But we are prepared to postpone Sports Day until June 29 and decide nearer the time.”

Paranoid or what?

That’s it: I’m orf to cancel my Olympic tickets.

And today’s thought: Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.

Angus

The Police are revolting: U-Turn Cam on Justice: Homeless Coalition: Dead Weasel: Goosey, Goosey sandals: The Wrong shoes: and a Beer crate bike Numpty.

Sunny, calm and pleasant at the Castle this morn, the Strawberries are just about ready to pick, and I have just returned from Tesco’s with the stale bread, gruel and cat food.

Nightmare of a day yesterday, hence no post-fucking Microsoft decided to download an “update” while I was backing up my laptop and it froze then crashed, I couldn’t repair it so I spent 12 hours re-installing Vista(again), but I have lost the last three years of blog posts, picture, emails and my backup hard drive is stuffed as well.

I can recover the lost data if I am willing to pay $89 which I am not, so a truncated post today.

Anyone got a Mac they don’t want?

Apparently the “law” is revolting

Over 2,000 frontline police officers are to demonstrate against police budget cuts in London next month.

The rally will be the police's biggest protest in the capital for three years and will be held by the Police Federation of England and Wales at Methodist Central Hall on July 13th.

Wonder if they will be “Kettled”.

Old fart Ken Clarke is in the doo, U-Turn Cam doesn’t know which way to face and crims are in abundance on our streets.

Her Majesty's Inspectorate of Constabulary and Her Majesty's Crown Prosecution Service Inspectorate found that more than 100,000 criminal offences wrongly result in an “out of court disposal” every year.

The verdict was delivered as David Cameron faced calls to sack Kenneth Clarke, the Justice Secretary, over his plans to halve the sentences of many senior criminals who plead guilty.

More than a third of the 1.3 million crimes resolved by the police every year result in an “out of court disposal” such as a fixed penalty notice, a caution or a warning, a total of almost 500,000.

In a report published today, the inspectors conclude that around a third of those cases should have been dealt with in court, where magistrates or judges could impose larger fines, community sentences or a jail term.

Those who escaped court proceedings were “frequent or serious” offenders, the inspectors found.

No surprises there then....

 

And apparently the Millionaires Club Coalition is making people homeless.

Have a read, interesting article.

Over the wide wet thing to the left

Police say a man was carrying a dead weasel when he burst into an apartment and assaulted a man in Washington State.

The victim asked, "Why are you carrying a weasel?" Police said the attacker answered, "It's not a weasel, it's a marten," then punched him in the nose and fled.

Police later found the 33-year-old Hoquiam man arguing with his girlfriend at another location and arrested him after a fight.

He said he had found the marten dead near Hoquiam, but police don't know why he carried it with him.

A marten is a member of the weasel family.

The mind boggles, pop goes the Weasel?

Down a fair bit

Gator the rescue goose’s adoptive parents, Bob and Lauree Strouse, were so concerned his feet would suffer on their walks; they got him a pair of sandals.

The couple designed the footwear to combat the hot and harsh concrete in the town of St Augustine, Florida.

The trio have become a regular sight since finding Gator wandering along the edge of Lake Roy in Winter Haven, Florida.

They feared its resident alligators would gobble him up, so took him under their wing. ‘We rescued him,’ said Mrs Strouse. They called him Gator because it’s a shortening of the rather pessimistic ‘Gator bait’. That was four years ago.

They now regularly take him out for a walk but make sure he is on a lead in crowded areas to make sure he does not get into mischief.

But at heart Gator is a home body. ‘He grazes in the yard,’ said Mr Strouse. ‘He eats grass and ants and bugs,’ his wife added.

Hippy Gander...

Back in Blighty

And talking of footwear, a school that banned 17 pupils from a GCSE exam as they were wearing the wrong shoes was labelled “draconian” by parents yesterday.

Four students refused to take off their casual footwear and missed the maths test, while 13 took it in socks.

Patrick Doherty, 15, was worried his feet would smell and sent his sister to fetch another pair – but she got back after the exam started and he was not allowed in.

Mrs Doherty has complained to governors at Cardinal Newman Catholic School in Coventry.

The school stated: “We have offered financial support to help buy shoes so there is no reason why anyone should not be in full uniform.”

Catholic school-should have been wearing chastity belts....

And finally:

Over to the land of sauerkraut.

A beer-loving inventor who created a motorbike out of a lager crate and a lawnmower engine is in hospital with after pranging the creation on its maiden voyage.

Mechanic Martin Koenig, 22, from Ober Olm, Germany, overturned the trike on a turn and was hurled to the ground, say police.

"Unfortunately he was not wearing a helmet and he hit his head. It wasn't the most stable vehicle in the world," explained one officer.

"He had built the entire thing himself from the frame to the engine.

"We don't think he'd consumed all the beer from the crate before the crash, but as he was on private land he wasn't tested for alcohol."

Just for his IQ,

That’s it: I’m orf to update the periodic table.

And today’s thought: If you think things can’t get worse it’s probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

Angus  

Aid Superpower: Guaranteed NHS: UFO files Dahn Unda Fuck Orf: Biting Beavers: Cabbage art: and The Titanic sinks again.

Not bad at the Castle this morn, sunny, coldish and calm, my day trip to friends in Cheltenham turned into a weekend away, which then became a three day break, I arrived home late last night and his Majesty was so pleased to see me that he went straight for the left ankle.

The garden is looking even rosier-

Even if the lawn does look like coconut matting. 

And I am thinking of starting a “lottery Site” for cars, it will work like this-you tell me what car you want and give me your credit/debit card number, I make you wait a couple of months then I take money out of your account, then you wait another two weeks, then I tell which car you will get.

 Got to be a winner-well it “works” for the Olympics….

According to Andrew Mitchell the “development Secretary” we Brits will love being an “Aid Superpower”.

 Mr Mitchell conceded that a growing aid budget was hard to sell to voters in tough economic circumstances, but insisted that the Government’s decisions will ultimately prove popular.

With the Department of Health, the Department for International Development is one of only two Whitehall departments whose budgets are growing over the current four-year spending round.

Overall aid spending will rise from £7.8 billion this year to £11.5 billion under a Coalition pledge to provide real increases in development funding, a real-terms increase of 34 per cent.  

He don’t know us very well do he…

And U-Turn Cam has made five “guarantees” about our poor old battered NHS.

Allegedly U-Turn will say:

•  The NHS will remain a universal service
• Changes will improve "efficient and integrated care" not hinder it
• Hospital waiting times will be "kept low"
• NHS spending will be increased, not reduced
• The NHS will not be sold off and competition will benefit patients

 Pinch of salt time…….

Dahn Unda

It seems that the Aussie UFO files have gone walkabout.

Fairfax sought access to the Australian version. But the response was more surprising than what the files might have contained - the material has largely gone missing.

The department spent two months searching its offices for files that would be captured by the Herald's FOI application, which sought a ''schedule of records held by the Department of Defence … which relate to unidentified flying objects''.

But in late May, the department's FOI assistant director, Natalie Carpenter, delivered a reply that seemed almost designed to set online chat rooms alight with conspiracy chatter.

The only file Defence was able to locate was titled ''Report on UFOs/Strange Occurrences and Phenomena in Woomera''; the others had been destroyed.

Photoshop that ain’t.

Left oodles of non metric units to the ex colonies

Game wardens remained stumped about a spate of "truly bizarre" rabid beaver attacks in and around Philadelphia.

Three people were bitten by a beaver last week in Pennypack Park in the city's north-eastern region before the animal was killed and officials determined it had rabies.

A married couple was fishing on Wednesday when the large beaver bit the woman's leg, then turned on her husband and bit him in both arms and on his chest, the Pennsylvania Game Commission said.

On Thursday, a child was bitten in the same park. A short time later, a park ranger located the beaver nearby.

That animal was killed and tested positive for rabies at a Health Department lab. Game wardens are looking through the park for other beavers that could be infected.

Park officials were baffled by the location of the attacks and the fact that the mammal was a beaver -- not a raccoon or skunk.

It’s been many years since I even got near a Beaver, let alone got bitten by one…..

East about the same number of thingies

Ju Duoqi stocks up on cabbages in the Beijing vegetable market and then transforms the humble vegetables into works of art depicting beautiful women -- that sometimes leave very little to the imagination.

The 38-year-old said she started using cabbages in her work five years ago when she was looking for a way to bring her art together with everyday life.

"Cabbages come in different sizes and colours. Under different light and in different contexts, I can make cabbages into various forms and take photos of them that produce different moods," Ju said.

She often spends hours in the market picking out cabbages that reflect the curves of a woman's body, or that can be cut to make limbs or other accessories, using a combination of round cabbage and longer, slim "celery" cabbage.

Back in her studio on Beijing's outskirts, Ju uses toothpicks and knives to reshape the cabbage leaves to represent different parts of the body -- carving tiny hands, say, or using individual leaves for effect.

She then uses a combination of whole cabbages and leaves to form sculptures. Different stages of decomposition -- fresh, rotten or dry -- create different effects.

Once done, Ju photographs the cabbage woman as she reclines on her worktable, and then reconstructs her, piece by piece, using editing software.

Ju's cabbage beauties series has been shown in Beijing, London, Paris, Los Angeles and Miami. The limited edition prints sell for 2,000 to 3,000 Euros ($2,900-$4,300).

 No wonder veg is so expensive.

And finally:
 

Dahn in Dorset

When Mark Wilkinson took his new 16ft boat out for its maiden voyage, it lived up to its namesake, and sank.

Mr Wilkinson was left floundering as the vessel sprang a leak and began taking on water before disappearing beneath the waves.

Holidaymakers looked on while Mr Wilkinson, from Birmingham, was pulled out of the sea by the local harbour master.

Titanic II was was later towed out of West Bay harbour in Dorset.

Mr Wilkinson, aged in his 40s, said afterwards: "If it wasn't for the harbour master I would have gone down with the Titanic.

"It's all a bit embarrassing and I got pretty fed up with people asking me if I had hit an iceberg."

Numpty.

That’s it: I’m orf to build a warp core.

And today’s thought: It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake.

 

Angus

Oh dear-what a shame: Just in case: Half a Navy: Norfolk alligators: Empty tank: Potty superstore: and How to catch a Tiger.

‘Tis much cooler at the Castle this morn, a bit of cloud, a bit of breeze and comfy, the kitchen is empty of laptops, desktops and mop tops, the butler is on a few days holiday and his majesty has discovered the joy of badly timed jumping across huge distances and attacking ankles.

I see that “new” MPs are whingeing on about ‘long hours and workloads’

Apparently they are finding the combination of long hours and a heavy workload a struggle, and worry the job is harming their family lives, research suggests.

A survey by the Hansard Society of the 227 MPs elected for the first time in 2010 suggest the new intake are working an average of 69 hours a week. 

Tough shit: Be careful what you wish for….

Next year the Olympics could be given a bit of help

Johan Huibers, an eccentric Dutch Christian, has spent around £1 million building the "Ark" after dreaming about a great flood sweeping Holland. He saw the dream as a signal to spread God's message.

The vessel is 450ft long and 75ft wide and will be stuffed with pairs of model animals, while an aviary with free-flying live birds will take up most of the enormous deck house.

Mr Huibers, 60, who is married, found the inspiration for the project 20 years ago but only started construction on the river at Dordrecht, near Rotterdam, three years ago, against the advice of his wife.

Twenty-five barges held together by a steel frame form the base of the ship, which also holds two conference rooms capable of hosting 1,500 people.

The timbers are Swedish pine, a choice Mr Huibers made because Noah, the Biblical Ark's captain, was told by God to use "resin wood".

Mr Huibers recently wrote to Boris Johnson, the Mayor of London, to ask for permission to bring his Ark to London for the Olympic Games next summer and moor it in the capital. 

Boris was heard to say “Err, um, harrumph, well…”

 Now that we only have half a Navy

Britain and France are set to share an aircraft carrier as part of plans for far closer integration between the two navies, the head of France’s fleet has said in an interview with The Daily Telegraph.

Admiral Pierre-Francois Forissier also disclosed that the French navy was amazed by the swath of cuts last year that severely reduced the Royal Navy with the axing of aircraft carriers and Harrier jump jets alongside warships.

“From a French standpoint, I have to say that we were really stunned because the Royal Navy has always been a model for us and it is now faced with a very difficult situation,” he said. 

Join the club admiral.

Up in the bit above Suffolk

Police are investigating reports of two alligators being spotted at a holiday park lake - in Norfolk.

A visitor claimed he saw the reptiles on the surface of the water, reports The Sun.

Worried holidaymakers and fishermen are now keeping watch for the pair at 60-acre Waveney Valley Lakes in Wortwell.

Park manager Dave Potter, 58, said: "It has caused quite a stir. We have 90 plots for caravans and lodges, so there are a lot of people here. The police had a good look around but didn't find anything."

Norfolk Police said a member of the public reported the alleged sighting. It added: "One of our officers visited the owners of the venue to make them aware of the claim."

No one knows how the creatures may have got there. Alligator expert Dr Laura Brandt said: "It is possible they have been released or have found their way to the water." 

Have they still got water up there?-lucky buggers...

Across to Manchester

A pair of petrol thieves handed police a vital clue after their own car ran out of fuel.

The men suspected of stealing almost £1,000 worth of petrol in a spate of station drive-offs, were caught on CCTV pushing a Volkswagen Golf into a forecourt.

After filling up their tank, the pair once again drove off without paying.

Pc Pete Baldwin, of Longsight and Ardwick neighbourhood policing team, said: "This is the kind of thing you see on television and it is ironic that the two men appear to run out of petrol after we believe they have stolen hundreds of pounds worth of fuel.

"The images may be amusing to people but I can assure you the offence is serious and we are determined to catch the offenders. I would urge anyone who saw these men or any of the vehicles to contact us."

As fuel prices soar, petrol thefts are thought to be an increasing headache for police. GMP believes the two men are responsible for up to seven separate petrol station drive-offs from forecourts in West Didsbury, Hulme, Withington, Bolton, Denton and Stockport.

The CCTV image shows a black Volkswagen Golf with stolen registration plates about to drive onto the forecourt of Tesco Express in Ardwick Green just after 7pm on May 5.

The vehicle then appeared to run out of petrol as the driver and passenger got out of the car and pushed it towards the petrol pump. The main offender is described as an Asian man, in his early 20s, of slim build and 5ft 10ins. Anyone with information should contact police on 0161 872 5050 or Crimestoppers on 0800 555 111. 

Should have stolen a diesel.

 Left a lot to the shaky bit of the States

California-based company weGrow is hoping to capitalise on the state's new medical marijuana law, which allows people to apply to use the drug to treat medical conditions including cancer, glaucoma and Alzheimer's disease.

While the store does not sell the plant itself, it sells around 2,000 products and services 'for people to safely and responsibly cultivate their medicine', according to weGrow founder Dhar Mann.

Products sold at the store include soil, grow lights, irrigation trays and nutrients to help aid the growth of cannabis plants.

The 21,000 square foot store also has an on-site doctor to give patients medical approval to apply for cards authorising them to grow and use marijuana legally.

Arizona is the 16th US state to decriminalise marijuana for medical purposes, although the cultivation, sale and distribution of cannabis still remains a federal crime.

The law is a weed.

 And finally:

East many miles and then some

Chengdu zoo in China has been rehearsing a tiger escape using a man dressed in a furry costume.

The "Tiger" was hunted down with sticks, guns and, most bizarrely, brooms, before finally being cornered beneath some bushes.

Tigger was pinned down at gunpoint and carried off on a stretcher. 

Pooh….

 That’s it: I’m orf to interfere with light.

,
And today’s thought: With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.


Angus

It doesn’t add up: No Big Society-Yet: Great Tits: Bum cracks banned: Kebab and a bit: and Dressing down in Japan.

Yet another spiffing start to the day at the Castle this morn, sunny, warm, calm and comfy, the kitchen is almost empty of broken thingies, and the garden is looking rosy.

My Orange internet connection went live last dark thing, which is why I am a bit late because the “installation disc” that came with my new wireless router wasn’t recognised by bleedin Vista so I had to install it manually, but all is now well and I have W.W.W. speed of near light. 

I have noticed that the Blue Tits, Sparrows, Chaffinch’s and Gold finches seem to have disappeared, they no longer visit for nuts, fat balls and a swim in the birdbath.

Maybe they are on holiday….. 

And his majesty finally crashed out at about 8pm.

 OCR- the knobs that set exam questions seem to have made a Pig’s ear of one Maths problem.

An "unfortunate error" meant maths students were set a question that was impossible to answer in an AS-level exam.

Just fewer than 6,800 teenagers took the paper - set by the OCR exam body - last Thursday.

The error was in an exam paper taken in 335 schools and other exam centres in England, Wales and Northern Ireland and carried eight marks out of 72 being awarded for the paper.

OCR has said it deeply regrets the "unfortunate error" and says it has a range of procedures in place to ensure candidates are not disadvantaged.

A spokeswoman said: "We very much regret that there was a mistake... and that our quality assurance procedures failed to identify this error. 

What “quality assurance”? 

And the question:

Verify the shortest route, for two given conditions, giving values of 32.4 + 2x km and 34.2 + x km. These values should have been 34.3 + 2x km and 36.1 + x km respectively.

The error was not to have included twice the journey between A and B (0.9 km) and the journey between F and G (1.0 km) in the values given.

 Err: right….

 And U-Turn Cams “Big Society” white paper has been put on the back burner.

Apparently “problems” with NHS reforms and opposition from the Liberal Democrats have forced the paper's publication back until July.

In February U-Turn Cam wrote that the white paper would "put in place principles that will signal the decisive end of the old-fashioned, top-down, take-what-you're-given model of public services".

And he wants to place the "burden of proof" on the state to justify why it should ever hold a monopoly on any public service. 

So the NHS won’t be privatised then?

 Back to big Tits

A traffic cone has become the must-have des-res for a family of great tits, who moved into the red and white object in the main driveway of the grounds of Holt Hall, Norfolk.

Chris Blake, head gardener at the field studies centre, lifted the cone to cut the grass and found nine eggs in a nest.

Two weeks later, after a bit of tender loving care from their doting mother, they all hatched into healthy chicks.

The birds have now flown the impromptu nest, leaving the cone free for its next residents to move in - but Mr Blake might just move it to a quieter area so he can mow the lawn. 

So that’s where they have all gone.

 Over to the lone star state

There's no law in Fort Worth, Texas against wearing saggy baggy pants but a new code of conduct prohibits sagging on city buses, myFOXdfw.com reported Wednesday.

Just like the requirement for a shirt and shoes, now those who want to ride "The T" actually have to wear their pants. It's not a campaign. It's the Fort Worth Transportation Authority's new policy.

The authority said if a person refuses to abide by the rule they will be asked leave the loading premises. Otherwise they are considered trespassing.

But the two week old rule is catching some resistance.

Saggy pants fan De'Shawn Miller said he doesn't understand the problem.

"This is something we grew up into," the 16-year-old said. "That's why they don't tell us nothing about sagging. We gonna sag regardless. We ain't disrespectful. That's how we were raised." 

Obviously not with the English language, nor with consideration for others…

Back in Blighty

British chef Andy Bates says he has sourced some of the finest ingredients on the planet - including milk-fed lamb from the Pyrenees - for his creation.

The humble kebab has well and truly had a high-class makeover, with its champagne-infused mint and cucumber yoghurt, and micro cress and lettuce salad.

It also comes with gold-leaf garnish, couer de boeuf tomatoes and barrel-aged yew's feta cheese - a far cry from a few shavings from the traditional elephant's leg rotisseries in most British late-night eateries.

The impressively-expensive dish was unveiled at the launch of the Great Truck Race, a new TV programme focusing on the increasing popularity of the street food truck trend.

It was created to demonstrate how standard street fare can be given a gourmet makeover.

The man behind the king of kebabs said: 'It took a fair bit of time to source the best possible ingredients to ensure that this kebab was the most exclusive one out there, but I loved every minute.'

 And the cost of this “gourmet titbit”-£750.

 And finally: 

East oodles of non metric units

The Japanese government is trying to set a trend by encouraging people to dress casually for work this summer to save energy.

Super Cool Biz has been launched this week with a fashion show in Tokyo to promote the concept.

Models hit the catwalk with examples of energy-friendly work-dress.

Women are encouraged to wear open-toe sandals and men to ditch the traditional tie, a mainstay of Japanese business culture.

The government hopes the move will allow companies to limit the use of air conditioning systems.

"As we are lacking electricity, the Japanese government is asking for a 15% reduction in electricity consumption," environment minister Ryu Matsumoto said.

Energising fashion? 

That’s it: I’m orf to train a Vulture. 

And today’s thought: "It's so bad being homeless in winter. They should go somewhere warm like the Caribbean where they can eat fresh fish all day." - Lady Victoria Hervey

 Angus

EU-going out: UK staying in: UK-living it up while staying in: MG-NZ: Dangerous caviar: Polish sobriety upbringing law: and Hanging about in India.

‘Tis warm, sunny, calm and dry at the Castle this morn, already been down to Tesco for stale bread, gruel and pussy food, they were going to close for a week for an “upgrade” because building of the new Morrisons has started, but now it seems that they underestimated the size of the competitor’s store and have decided to postpone until they can decide what to do. 

Funny that, they can decide to put the prices up in a millisecond, but when it comes to “proper” decisions they are lost….

The Talk Talk internet connection is still misbehaving, but my new wireless Orange router arrived yestermorn-not long now…

I see that the EU is back in the “news”-again

The Torygraph has listed “some of Europe's most notorious projects.”

Click on the link if you can be bothered, but I think most of us are aware that the European Rip Off Super State is draining us dry while the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is trying to finish us off with their cuts.

And, the UK Border Agency is taking the easy way out it seems.

 So many asylum seekers have been given leave to remain in the UK that it "amounts to an amnesty", MPs have said.

Out of 403,500 cases dealt with by the UK Border Agency (UKBA), 9% resulted in removal while 40% of applicants - 161,000 - were allowed to stay.

The Home Affairs Committee also said it was "indefensible" that in one in six cases, the UKBA simply had "no idea" what had happened to the applicant.

Immigration Minister Damian Green said there was "absolutely no amnesty".

He said the government had "eliminated" a backlog of 450,000 asylum cases - the scale of which first emerged in 2006.

Mr Green denied there was any amnesty for asylum seekers, saying: "What we've done is get through to the bottom of that huge problem we inherited.

"The main thing is we've now eliminated this backlog from the system so we can now get on with the everyday job that the previous government couldn't because they had that backlog."

Always someone else’s fault with this lot.

And while some of them are waiting to leave Blighty

“They” can stay at Morton hall, the Government’s latest centre for foreign detainees awaiting deportation.

The immigration removal centre, in Swinderby, Lincolnshire, will eventually house around 400 men, including former prisoners, illegal immigrants and failed asylum seekers.

New arrivals will be greeted by impressive lawns and extensive gardens, patrolled by a flock of ducks.

They will be housed in private rooms with access to television, games consoles and private washing facilities.

Detainees can sign up to lessons in a well-equipped computer classroom and even hairdressing classes in a mock salon.

And if they fancy some downtime, they can play football in the grounds, take a walk or simply sit on a bench and enjoy the view.

Did you watch that Panorama programme the other night?

Meanwhile, going Dahn Unda and right a bit

Is a 1948 MG TC, Robert and Lynne Douglas will hop into their beloved convertible to set off on a four month, 30,000 mile trip from Barnsley to New Zealand.

Lynne, 60, said people thought they were 'totally, completely and utterly mad' and readily admitted the car would break down at various points on their mammoth trip.

She said: 'We've had it restored twice and they're really easy to fix.

'If we did a trip like this in a modern car we wouldn't stand a chance if we broke down, whereas with this type of car we can carry basic spares and fix it on the road.

'Mechanics in places like Laos and Cambodia will also know what to do with it - whereas if we turned up with a Mercedes and the central computer had broken, we'd be stuffed.'

Good luck with that….

 

Dahn upon the Suwannee River

A 25-year-old Florida woman was left with a broken leg after a 75-pound sturgeon jumped into her boat Monday.

Three days earlier, fish and wildlife officers issued a warning about jumping sturgeon.

 This is the fifth reported case of sturgeon leaping into boats, according to the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Three of the cases resulted in injuries to passengers.

On May 14, a woman was injured after a sturgeon hit her on the back and, in the first report of the year, on April 27, another woman was showered in glass when a sturgeon jumped through her boat's windshield.

"I have seen these encounters referred to as 'attacks.' However, these fish are in no way attacking when they jump," said Allen Martin, a fisheries biologist, in a statement.

"They are simply doing what they have been doing for millions of years: jumping. They aren't targeting the boaters."

Gulf sturgeon can exceed lengths of eight-feet and weigh 200 lbs.

"They have five rows of rock-hard scutes along their sides, back and belly. When sturgeon and boaters collide, the results can be devastating," Martin said. 

Caviar that comes to you-very handy.

Across to the land of plumbers and painters

A Polish artist has been warned that he could end up in prison - for painting a supermarket shelf of cans of beer.

Police in Cieszyn seized Michal Oginski's canvas, claiming it breached the country's tough alcohol advertising laws and could encourage young people to take up drinking.

The 25-year-old painter said: "I was told by police that my work corrupts youth and promotes alcoholism. But it's just a painting of some beer cans.

"It's part of a series of paintings depicting supermarket products. I've got others of washing powder and sugar. There's nothing sinister or corrupting about it."

His lawyer Beata Lejman explained: "This is absurd and I've never heard of such a ridiculous law. Are they going to confiscate Rembrandt's pictures which show casks of wine?"

Now officials are waiting for prosecutors to say if Mr Oginski has a case to answer.

Local police Chief Kazmierz Plus said: "I don't make up the law - I just uphold it.

"And this painting breaks the Act of Sobriety Upbringing law, which is universally binding."

 What a load of Polish bollocks…

 And finally:

Fancy a job in a hot country?

Officials from the prison of Jorhat, 190 miles east of Gauhati, have a shortage of staff willing to send criminals to the gallows and have begun advertising for someone qualified in the ancient role.

The job description appears to be for only the one execution - that of Mahendra Nath Das, who was sentenced to death after committing a gruesome beheading in a busy market.

Judges in India rarely hand down a death sentence, but the court felt Das' crime deserved no less after he ran through the street carrying the bloodied head of Hara Kunt - a rival official in the local transporters' union.

There have only been two hangings in the country over the past 15 years and India's most experienced hangman, Nata Mullick, passed away in 2009 - leaving the role vacant.

So, if you fancy hanging about in India……..

 That’s it: I’m orf to send an email to my twin in NGC 6744.

And today’s thought: Which is worse: Ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?



Angus