Cutting the Cuts: Hip hop surgeon sent home: Ring fencing the posts: The Cancum beetle: Turkeys get their own back: How to spend a Billion Dollars: and Silence on court.

Sunny, dull, warm, cool, windy, calm, damp and dry at the Castle this morn, just the usual then.

A tad late this day, had to go to Tesco to stock up on stale bread, gruel and pussy food, normal service has resumed-a bloody shambles.

 I see that Glastonbury has opened for the Festival-that should bugger up the weather this weekend, and almost half of police officers and three quarters of paramedics told a survey that they had been unable to intervene in a situation because of Elfandsafety regulations.

I spit on Elfandsafety...

According to “experts” U-Turn Cam may have to “rethink” public spending cuts as Britain faces the toughest economic times in a generation.

Paul Johnson, director of the Institute for Fiscal Studies, said the Prime Minister may “balk” at the consequences of the cuts, the scale of which have not been attempted in a generation.

I won’t hold my breath.

And 57-year-old David Nunn, the Orthopaedic surgeon blamed for startling the Prime Minister and his deputy, has unexpectedly gone on leave, and his NHS patients now face longer waits to be seen by Mr Nunn's hard-pressed colleagues.

The hospital yesterday insisted that Mr Nunn's sudden departure was at his own request. But a patient told The Independent a doctor in the orthopaedic department had used the term "gardening leave" to explain Mr Nunn's absence and claimed he had been "reprimanded" by managers at the trust. 

And the moral? Don’t diss Dave...not.....

 Up North

Council bosses have admitted scoring an "own goal" after a fence was built through the middle of football goalposts in a park in York.

The new fencing was installed at a cost of £6,000 on playing fields in Heworth.

It was erected before £37,000 worth of new play equipment is phased in at the park over the next few weeks.

Dave Meigh, City of York Council's head of parks and open spaces, said: "We recognise that the failure to relocate the goalposts is a real own goal."

It has left local people who use the park to play football confused.

 I would have thought that people who are into football would be confused by an in/out sign.

West a fair bit and down a smidge.

A concrete Volkswagen Beetle is parked underwater amongst the sculptures off Cancun.

The life size 8 ton cement replica of the classic Volkswagon beetle has been sunk at a depth of 8 metres on the Manchones Reef, Cancun, Mexico 

That should amuse the fish.

Up more than a touch

In Celine Dion land, Barrie city officials are calling for a solution in the midst of wild turkeys attacking vehicles and chasing people.

John Brassard, a Barrie, Ont., city councillor, fears the pesky birds could even hurt someone.

“They attacked my car,” he said. “I stopped, honked my horn, but they started pecking at the grill."

Brassard said he was able to drive away without further damage.

“It's getting to the point of being ridiculous,” Brassard said. “Something has got to be done or somebody is going to be hurt. People are getting out of their cars and the turkeys are chasing them back.”

Coun. Alex Nuttall raised this matter at a council meeting on Monday, but was told by city staff that wild turkeys are a protected species and little can be done. Staff are looking into the matter anyway.

Revenge is a dish best served hot-with roast potatoes, peas, stuffing, gravy and maybe some parsnips....

 A British woman who won a reported $1 billion in one of the biggest divorce settlements in history has filed for bankruptcy in the US.

Patricia Kluge, a 62-year-old socialite, winemaker and one-time adult film actress, reported debts with her third husband of about £30 million, despite selling her 300-acre estate in Virginia.

She admitted defeat after a £10 million fire-sale last year of paintings, Roman statues, Qing dynasty antiques, a Chippendale commode, a four-poster bed from Hedingham Castle and a George III crystal chandelier.

Liquidating jewellery including 64 carats worth of diamonds, platinum and diamond earrings, and a sapphire-and-diamond Cartier watch, also failed to keep her afloat.

Asked last night where all her money had gone, Miss Kluge would only say: "That's a very long story". Her husband, Bill Moses, has said: "We spent too much, too fast."

 No shit....

And finally:

I see that the Wimbledon grunting debate has started up again

Ian Ritchie, the chief executive of the All England Lawn and Tennis Club, has lambasted female tennis players for grunting, claiming that it spoils the game and annoys spectators.

The claims come after Belarusian Victoria Azarenka managed to howl out at an astounding 95 decibels on the first day of the tournament. In the same match, battling against Slovakia’s Magdalena Rybarikova, Azarenka let out a shriek that lasted a second and a half.

Is there some sort of tennis thing on then?

 That’s it: I’m orf to cancel my eBay account. 

And today’s thought: Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

 Angus

U-Turn Cam on the Euro: Up your deficit: Dirty Rat: Tambourine care: Mountain walk: and some cute animals.

Usual again at the Castle this morn-dull, damp, dingy and nippy, the lawn needs lawning, the hedges need hedging, the shrubs need shrubbing and the borders need bordering, but it is too wet to do anything, nightmare of a day yesterday; I spent ten hours reinstalling bloody vista on a desktop, seven of which involved waiting while fucking Microsoft downloaded 104 “updates”, I hate computers.

I see that a third of drivers are making fewer journeys, which could have something to do with the fact that around two thirds of the cost of go juice is tax, and that Old Farts should drink less, that’ll cheer them up-poxy pensions, having to wait till they are 95 to retire, bodies dropping to bits and now no booze, who said retirement is the chance to do things you never could while working and giving the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition all that money?

 According to U-Turn Cam

The Eurozone will not be allowed to collapse, since the countries using the single currency have so much "invested in it".

Yeah right, watch and wait Dave...

And Alien Reptilian in disguise, son of a B...aronet George Osborne has managed to allow our deficit to rise to £27.4 billion so far this year.

January's rise in VAT helped May's tax receipts grow 8.2pc on the previous year to £38bn, outstripping a 2.3pc increase in public spending to £51.7bn.

It also expects the Treasury's coffers to be boosted in coming months by the impact of the introduction of the 50p tax rate on incomes over £150,000 as well as the increased levy on North Sea oil and gas production.

Chancellor George Osborne said the Government's plan to cut the deficit is still "on track" but economists said he would struggle to meet his target for reducing borrowing for the whole financial year to £122bn, against to the previous year's £143bn.

The Office for Budget Responsibility (OBR), the independent fiscal watchdog, said that spending is going up faster than projected because the UK is paying higher interest payments on gilts – government bonds – which are linked to inflation, while tax receipts are not yet growing at the expected pace. 

That’s working then........

Over in the land of Mormons

A Utah man faces an animal cruelty charge after a Facebook video surfaced showing him eating what appeared to be a live baby rat. 

Thirty-one-year-old Andy Ray Harris of Tooele was charged with the misdemeanour in April after authorities viewed the video. 

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals reported it to police. 

PETA's Martin Mersereau says the organization received complaints about the video in March. 

Toole authorities say they recognized the man in the video as Harris from his previous interactions with police. 

The video shows a man putting what appears to be a tiny, hairless rat in his mouth, chewing it up and swallowing it. 

Harris has pleaded not guilty to the charges.

  

Cheaper than a Big Mac I suppose.

Back in Blighty

Staff in a British nursing home has apologized to patients and their families after placing a tambourine in a day room to be used in case of an emergency.

The Daily Mail reports a relative was furious after also finding a pair of maracas in the room at Cardiff Royal Infirmary in Wales and was told they were to be used if the tambourine broke.

An executive director of the home said a new bell has been installed in the room for patients to use. Ruth Walker said "well-meaning staff" came up with the tambourine idea after a hand bell was deemed too heavy.

"Sadly the solution, while well-intentioned, was not appropriate," she told the Daily Mail.

 You think?

Across to the right to the land of Bamboo scaffolding

Workers building a wooden path on the side of a sheer mountain in China are putting a brave face on one of the most dangerous jobs in the world.

Each day, they work on the precarious project thousands of metres above the ground knowing one slip would be their last.

The wooden path, on Shifou Mountain in Hunan Province, will be nearly two miles long when finished, the longest of its kind in China.

The narrow walkway is held up by wooden supports which sit in holes which the workers must first drill into the cliff face.

Yu Ji, 48, said he had been working on high cliffs building such roads for more than 10 years.

"Young people don't want this job, as it means we have to stay deep in the mountains for months, sometimes even years," he said.

"But I don't feel it's so different from any other job. It's not as dangerous as people think. You just wear the ropes, and then everything is okay." 

Where’s Elfandsafety when you need it?

 And finally: 

Some “cute” animals.

That’s it: I’m orf to move to Jersey.

 And today’s thought: its funny how most activists are pacifists.

 Angus

Big silver bird: Dead seas: Lambo Numpty: T up your phone: Wired for sun: and Thar’s gold in the Big Apple.

Usual again at the Castle this morn-dull, damp, dingy and decidedly cool, the study is overflowing with broken things, and his Majesty is chilling out.

 

I see that Old fart Ken Clarke has done a Coalition U-Turn over the prison discount whatnot, and it appears that you only have a 50/50 chance of surviving a fire if you have smoke alarms.

Boeing have built a big silver bird,  The 747-8 is the largest plane ever built by the US aerospace giant, which makes it an ideal people-mover on a grand scale.

The "dash-eight", as they call the plane, flew straight into an order-flurry that saw it clock up some $5.4bn (£3.3bn) worth of deals at list price during the first day of the Paris air show.

With 17 fresh orders for the 747-8 Intercontinental, Boeing has pulled in 50 firm and five conditional orders for the passenger version, in addition to some 70 orders for the 747-8 windowless freighter.

 Let’s hope it is more reliable than the Airbus A380.

According to “experts”

A preliminary report from an international panel of marine experts said that the condition of the world's seas was worsening more quickly than had been predicted.

The scientists, gathered for a workshop at Oxford University, warned that entire ecosystems, such as coral reefs, could be lost in a generation.

Already fish stocks are collapsing, leading to a risk of rising food prices and even starvation in some parts of the world.

The experts blamed the increased amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere for pushing up ocean temperatures, boosting algae so there is less oxygen and increasing acidity of the water.

The conditions are similar to every previous mass extinction event in the Earth's history.

 Oh well, it was nice while it lasted.....

East to the land of  many, many people

A Chinese man who transformed his old Nissan car into an eye-catching Lamborghini had it confiscated by police on its maiden voyage.

Liu Yuandong, of Kunming, in southwest China's Yunnan province, spent more than £8,000 on the transformation.

But he was pulled over by the police within minutes of taking the 'sports car' for its first spin around the cities streets.

Police spokesman Pu Weiping said: "His car is not registered, and should not be driven on the road.

"It appears to have been rather roughly put together and we were concerned it wouldn't meet health and safety standards."

The car is currently being held by local traffic officers who will decide whether or not to return it to Liu after a thorough inspection. 

That’s the problem when you copy something-always a flaw, in this case the Numpty behind the wheel.

Up in Glastonbury

A prototype T-shirt has been designed to power mobiles while festival-goers watch bands in action.

Users can plug their phone in to the shirt, which uses noise-responsive technology, for a quick top-up charge whenever they need it.

Mobile phone giant Orange will be conducting live testing of the device on site at the festival this weekend to see which acts and beats are the "best to charge to" around the Spirit of 71 stage.

Tony Andrews, co-producer of the Spirit of 71, said it could provide "a real solution to mobile phone charging" while on the go.

"Sound vibrations, particularly bass frequencies, will create enough shaking to produce electricity from a material as simple as piezoelectric film," he said.

How does that song by the Move go? I’m just sitting charging mobiles in the rain....

Over to the later York

A New York woman has launched a lawsuit because she says her bikini was too hot.

Robin Corrente, 50, claims the underwire in her black swimsuit top heated to the scorching point when she was sunbathing in 32 C weather in August 2008, causing third-degree burns and blistering after about an hour in the sun.

Corrente reportedly sought medical attention and doctors removed a piece of flesh about the "size of a dime" from her right breast.

She's filed a lawsuit in Manhattan Supreme Court against Swimwear Anywhere, manufacturer of the Coco Reef bikini. 

Sun? I have heard of it, but apparently it is banned from Blighty.

 And finally: 

An unemployed jewellery setter has taken to combing the streets of New York with a pair of tweezers to cash in on dropped gems and gold.

Raffi Stepanian, 43, has begun crawling around the New York 'Diamond District' on his hands and knees, plucking jewels and fragments of precious metals from between the slabs.

Armed with a pair of tweezers, Mr Stepanian, an unemployed diamond setter from Queens, claims to have collected $1,010 (£623) worth in the past fortnight.

His haul so far has included chips of diamonds and rubies, bits of platinum and gold fragments from watches, earrings and necklaces.

He has sold most of his discoveries to metal refiners or diamond sellers, while keeping some gold with a view to melting it down for future use.  

Should have kept quiet about it....

 That’s it: I’m orf to add a new nose to the Honda. 

And today’s thought: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

 Angus

Eight million gallon pee: Prince Phil’s in truffle: Hanging out in Wales: The Ugly truth: Darwin Numpty: and Lord have mercy on the frozen man.

Seems to be the “usual” at the Castle this morn-dull, cold, cloudy and damp, the phone calls have started from “users” wanting their “fix”, and I have cleared a space in the study for the new arrivals.

Just got back from Tesco and something is terribly, terribly wrong, they had ample supplies of stale bread, gruel and pussy food, I hope they are not getting organised....

Up in Womble land the strawberry and cream set are preparing for two weeks of rain, and even further North Dick Heads are driving into the sea.

Over the Briny to the left

Eight million gallons of water had to be drained from a reservoir in Oregon after a man urinated in it.

The operation is costing the state's taxpayers $36,000 (£22,000) and was ordered after Joshua Seater, 21, was caught on a security camera relieving himself in the pristine lake.

Health experts said the incident would not have caused any harm to people in the city of Portland, who are supplied with drinking water from the reservoir.

They said the average human bladder holds only six to eight ounces, and the urine would have been vastly diluted.

But David Shaff, an administrator at the Portland Water Bureau, defended the decision to empty the lake.

 I wonder if fish pee.

 And: 

Phil the non-Greek will have to reach his century if he wants to sample his Truffles

His attempts to cultivate the delicacy at a one-acre 'truffiere' in Sandringham have so far been thwarted, and he has now been advised that is likely to another decade before the expensive fungus emerges.

The Duck was left disappointed after two Italian hounds again failed to sniff out any truffles in the orchard. They will have another try this autumn, though he has been told it will probably yield nothing again.

It is now five years since the Duck spent £5,000 on special truffle-impregnated trees.

"I am afraid the dogs have still failed to find any truffles - but these things can take time. It can be as long as 10 to 15 years," said a spokesman for Sandringham.

Undeterred, the Duke has told staff that he will press on in the hope that his cottage industry on the Norfolk estate will one day produce a crop of truffles,

 Bloody hell! Not another ten years of the wrinkled, racist old git.....

Left to Welsh Wales

Four hundred people set a world record Sunday on a beach in Wales for number of people skinny dipping at one time, officials said.

Four hundred people from around the world got naked and ran into the sea at Rhossili Beach in Swansea, Wales, at 8 a.m. Sunday, WalesOnline.com reported.

Organizers of the event said the biggest challenge was getting verified by Guinness, but they are confident they beat the previous record of 250 skinny dippers.

 Pickled Walnuts and dried out peaches come to mind.....

Somewhere on the W.W.W.

A social networking site for "beautiful people" has been hit by a "Shrek" virus that allowed tens of thousands of "ugly" applicants to sign up.

Members of BeautifulPeople.com must traditionally pass a strict "rating" stage where existing users vote on whether someone is attractive enough to be accepted into the online community. But this screening process was brought down last month, allowing anyone to join.

Owners have apologised to more than 30,000 "unfortunate" people who were "wrongly admitted". It is believed a former employee may have been responsible for the virus.

Oops!

Dahn Unda

A Darwin man is standing trial for allegedly causing serious harm to his tenant by slashing him with a samurai sword.

Peter Raymond Mundy, 68, has pleaded not guilty to injuring his tenant in June last year.

It is alleged the tenant, who was renting a bedroom from Mundy, arrived home one night to find him sitting at a table in his underwear.

Mundy then went to his room after his tenant allegedly told him he did not like seeing his semi-naked, hairy body.

Police say Mundy then turned off power to the tenant's room to silence loud music.

They say the tenant subsequently kicked open the door of Mundy's room and was allegedly slashed across the neck with a samurai sword.

The court was told Mundy will argue it was done in self-defence.

Darwin Numpty of the first kind.

And finally:

Over to Boulder

The Nederland Area Chamber of Commerce in Colorado is offering to sell the rights to a celebration of a frozen dead guy.

Bredo Morstoel's corpse has been packed in dry ice in a shed at the mountain town since 1993. He died in 1989 at age 89 and his Norwegian family preserved his body in hopes technology will be developed to bring him back to life.

The 10-year-old festival attracted 15,000 people in March. It features a parade of hearses, frozen salmon tossing and coffin races.

Interim chamber president Blue Hessner says the chamber wants to sell rights to the event and concentrate on business development.

According to the Boulder Daily Camera, the event has become too expensive and the chamber believes an event company could do a better job.

Nice......

That’s it: I’m orf to expose a Badger.

And today’s thought: The only way not to think about money is to have a great deal of it.

Angus

We are all in this together-aren’t we?

Another odd start to the morn at the Castle this Sunday, sunny/cloudy, warmish, calm and dry, every time I went out yestermorn it rained, every time I came in the sun came out so I tried to fool “it” by walking out backwards-didn’t work, I still got soaked. 

Can’t seem to find any “interesting” news so a selection of articles that prove that “they” are all together and “we” are in it.

 First up:

While we are paying near on six quid a gallon for go-juice, Old Fart Ken Clarke has spent £212,991 on his ministerial car in the past year.

The 70-year-old's extravagant use of the official perk comes despite orders from David Cameron for Ministers to use public transport if possible.

The Justice Department refused to break down the cost of Mr Clarke's car into individual journeys, stating only that he 'had an allocated car which other members of the ministerial team make use of where possible'.

Figures released to Parliament show Mr Clarke did not use public transport for any official duties.


Strike one.

While housing benefit is being cut Reptilian alien in disguise George (son of a b.........aronet) Osborne spent £51,322 on his grace and favour slum Dorneywood in 2010, The total costs for running the Queen Anne-style house, which is set in 200 rolling acres of Buckinghamshire countryside, were £413,420, compared with £332,791 in 2009, according to the charitable trust that looks after the property.

Heating and lighting costs at the house, which was given to the National Trust by Lord Courtauld-Thomson in 1947, also rose, from £30,699 in 2009 to £49,591. 

Strike two.

While legal aid is being “minimised”

Indefensible legal claims for mistakes by doctors and nurses are being contested unnecessarily by "macho" NHS lawyers, the head of the Law Society warned as the bill for damages exceeded £1bn for the first time.

Linda Lee, the society's president, told The Independent on Sunday that court battles – and costs – over medical blunders were being drawn out by health trusts when they should settle early "for the good of the patient". She warned that plans by Kenneth Clarke, the Justice Secretary, to scrap legal aid for clinical negligence cases will limit access to justice for thousands of victims of botched operations and misdiagnosed illnesses.

Ministers are determined to halt "a rising tide of litigation" in the NHS, and will publish plans to abolish legal aid for all clinical negligence cases within weeks. Patients will be told to use "no win, no fee" lawyers instead.

Last year, a quarter of all clinical negligence claims were funded by legal aid, with a third of legal aid cases brought on behalf of children. Mrs Lee said the removal of legal aid would increase "hurdles" for claimants. "I don't believe that people should say 'this is too expensive for the Government so they don't deserve their chance'." 

Strike three.

 While benefits are being cut.

Taxpayers are being kept in the dark about millions of pounds of benefits shelled out to foreigners.

There are no official records kept of how many there are, which countries they come from or how much they are claiming.

The astonishing admission came from Employment minister Chris Grayling.

He has ordered a review to find ways to ­collect data on income-related benefits paid by the Department for Work and Pensions.

The Treasury, which is responsible for child benefit payments through HM Revenue & Customs, checks its figures.

That is how it emerged 40,000 non-resident Polish children got the handout.

Non-EU nationals must live in Britain for two years before being allowed to join the 1.5 million Jobseeker’s Allowance claimants.

But EU citizens are ­entitled to immediate housing and council tax benefits if they work here.

 Strike four.

A bit more of Pippa

Pippa Middleton might be expected to enjoy the odd taste of the high life

But the 27-year-old appeared more royal than many of the Royals themselves, flying in to a charity race in a private helicopter.

In an arrival which would have been more suited to Prince Andrew – noted for clocking up air miles – she touched down at a duathlon in a £1,000-an-hour aircraft.

Miss Middleton had opted to avoid the two-and-a- half-hour car journey from Inverness, instead spending 25 minutes in the air with team mates Rosie Laing and Jake French, and a third unnamed male friend.

They boarded the helicopter, owned by PDG Helicopters, at Inverness airport ahead of the 11am start of the race, which is split into a 20-mile run and a 30-mile cycle. If they had paid the £1,000 hourly rate – the minimum booking – it would have worked out at £250 a head for the trip.

However, a PDG executive, who was also competing in the race, flew himself to the start line, along with a group of guests.

The company said one of its helicopters had made two trips to the race – one with the boss and the other a private group. It refused to say which flight Miss Middleton was on.

Strike five.

Make your own minds up.

That’s it: I’m orf to check out my black hole.

 And today’s thought: “The true hypocrite is the one who ceases to perceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity”

Angus

Olympic freebies for the Gov: By Ecc; spoiled brat: Pothole in Woodstock: Solar swimwear: proclaiming the Haggis: and a foot fire in Florida.

Bit of an odd start at the Castle this morn-cool, calm, sunny/cloudy and a bit damp, the kitchen is empty of integrated circuits, and I am going to have to move any new repairable's upstairs to the study because it is difficult to concentrate when his Majesty is sitting on/in the computers I am trying to work on.

But I did manage to recover the last three years of emails, all I have to do now is to sort them out and put them in the right folders.

I see that the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club has received 9,000 free tickets for the Olympics.

Hugh Robertson said the Government had been given more than 9,000 free tickets in total but a third of them would be used to invite "international business guests and dignitaries to make sure we secure an economic legacy to the Games".

The remaining tickets will mainly be sold through a ballot system, with 3,000 going to staff working on the Games and 2,400 sold to dignitaries from towns and cities hosting teams and events. Another 450 will be allocated as prizes for schools.

But: don’t forget “We Are All In This Together”, aren’t we?

And apparently Bernie Ecclestone's 22-year-old daughter (that’s her on the left) might have become the proud owner of America's most expensive family home.

Petra Ecclestone, who is occasionally described in print as the most spoiled girl in Britain, was yesterday named as the prospective purchaser of The Manor, a landmark property sitting atop five acres of the ostentatious Holmby Hills neighbourhood of Los Angeles. It has been on the market for two years, at an asking price of $150m (£92.6m).

The property, which measures 57,000 sq ft and boasts parking for 100 cars, will become a second home for Ms Ecclestone, who recently celebrated her engagement to Jamie Stunt, a 26-year-old entrepreneur. Last year, she acquired a £56m London home in a purchase also financed by her father.

In a subsequent "at home" interview with Grazia magazine, Ms Ecclestone said that she needed the expensive pad to accommodate her five dogs. "I need a garden for them and there aren't many properties in Chelsea or Belgravia with a private garden. Mum took me round to look at it and I fell in love."

The final amount paid by Ms Ecclestone has not been announced, and neither she nor Ms Spelling (who is "downsizing" to a $47m penthouse in nearby Century City) has yet commented on the sale. The celebrity news website TMZ reported however that they had agreed on a final price tag of around $75m, or half the original asking price.

 As the largest private home in Los Angeles County, it boasts more than 100 rooms, one of which is devoted entirely to flower cutting.

 That works out at twenty-ish rooms per dog.....

Still in the big bit of land to the left

Across to Woodstock, seven people were sent to hospital after eating marijuana-laced brownies at a golf course.

Police said an employee of the golf course brought brownies made with marijuana to work Thursday and shared the batch with co-workers, who didn't know the brownies were laced.

The golf course was shut down after seven employees were taken to Woodstock General Hospital following complaints of feeling dizzy and disoriented. The employees were treated and released.

A 19-year-old Woodstock man is charged with administering a noxious substance, possession of a controlled substance and breach of probation.

 Well, stone me.......

Up to the Big Apple

A New York-based designer has invented a solar-powered bikini so wearers can charge their iPod or camera as they lie in the sun.

Andrew Schneider, 30, sewed together 40 paper-thin photo-voltaic panels together with soft conductive thread to produce his iKini which comes complete with USB ports sewn into the fabric.

Mr Schneider told the International Business Times that he came up with the idea during a brainstorming session at New York University.

"I didn't really have anything exciting so I leaned over to my friend and just jokingly said that I was going to make a bikini that could cool your beer at the beach," he said.

He then decided there was some merit in the idea and started work on developing a prototype - before realising there were an important stumbling block.

"The original bikini didn't have enough surface area to kick out the juice necessary to... cool the beer, so I downgraded to a lower power device. I plugged in my iPod and it worked," he said.

He is now selling the iKinis with prices ranging from £300 to £900 with each one custom-built and tailor-made for the wearer.

Just don’t go anywhere near the water while wearing it....

Back in Blighty and North of the border

Lulu and The Proclaimers have added their voices to support to Sunday's Edinburgh International Haggis Championship.

The championship is one of the first events of Edinburgh's festival season, and will raise funds for Help for Heroes.

The inaugural competitive eating championship takes place at the Art Roch hostel on Edinburgh's Grassmarket.

Lulu explained: "We've got to have a Scottish champion. I think I myself have eaten a haggis supper in less than two minutes in my youth.

She added: "Here's to raising lots of money and putting Scotland's delicious national dish firmly on the map!"

Craig and Charlie Reid of The Proclaimers described Help for Heroes as "the most worthy of causes". Scotland's most famous twins added: "Good luck with the indigestion."

The day of fun starts at 11am and vegetarian versions of haggis will be available for anyone who can't stomach oats and innards.

 Yum, yum... 

And finally:

Back across the pond

Emergency personnel were called Wednesday to a Fort Walton Beach, Fla., home where a man accidentally started a fire with rubbing alcohol and a cigarette.

The man told deputies he was sitting on his bed cleaning an infection on his foot with the alcohol about 10:30 a.m., said Battalion Chief Shannon Stone of the Fort Walton Beach Fire Department, according to the website.

Some alcohol spilled on the sheets, the man told authorities, and when his cigarette touched the spill, a fire started. Stone said he did not know why the cigarette contacted the bedclothes.

The man pulled the sheets off and left to get something to put out the fire with, the NWFDailyNews.com reported. But when he returned, the fire was much larger, and the man left the house and called 911, the site reported.

“I guess it is a little uncommon,” Stone told NWFDailyNews.com. “But that’s what he says. There’s no reason not to believe it.”

All the people in the house were able to get out safely, the website reported.

Stone told the site the single-family home suffered significant damage and was uninhabitable.

The fire was ruled accidental.

 I knew alcohol was bad for you.......

 That’s it; I’m orf to search the teapot for the Mad Hatters mate.

 And today’s thought: A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted.

Angus

Whitehall org charts: What’s his name goes Catholic: Whale whisperer: Flying Deer: The million pound moggy: and Fat fish.

Cold, claggy and calm at the Castle this morn, the kitchen is half full of broken whatnots, the lawn needs mowing after all the sky water and I have had to rearrange the furniture because his majesty has discovered how to jump on the mantelpiece and knock everything orf.

I finally managed to recover 24 and a half Gbs of “lost” data, I now have the last three years blogs, all my pictures and other documents, it only took me three hours and a lot of tweaking, just the emails to do now-I hate computers.

The Guardian has decided to publish the “Whitehall list”

It is down the bottom of the page, have a read if you want to ruin your day....

Atheist what’s his name is thinking of sending his spawn to a catholic school.

Thingamy, who has spoken of his opposition to faith schools, is understood to have toured the London Oratory, the state school to which Tony Blair sent his sons.

The Oratory is one of the most sought-after schools in the country and Mr Clegg is considering sending his three sons there even though there are several secondary’s, including a Catholic one, closer to his home in Putney, south west London.  

I do like a hypocrite, except this one.

Up in the cold bit of the world

Natalia Avseenko, a Russian scientist, allegedly stripped naked and swam with two white whales in the Arctic to tame them before they were sent to an aquarium.

Her frigid tale was reported in the Daily Mail, which said she survives the dangerously cold waters through meditation and her background in yoga.

It's necessary for her to bathe au naturale, because marine biologists believe the beluga whales do not like to be touched by artificial materials, the Mail reported.

The aquatic ballet took place in the Murmansk Oblast of the White Sea off the coast of Russia, the British tabloid said.

With sub-freezing temperatures at -1.5 Celsius or 29.5 Fahrenheit, the Daily Mail claimed that Avseenko held her breath underwater for more than 10 minutes.

Yet the newspaper didn't report what she did during the icy encounter to domesticate the mammals for their future lives in captivity.  

She can come round and whisper to my Moby Dick anytime she wants to......

Left a fair tonk

A Montana resident says an energy company has identified the cause of a brief power outage as "deer with wings." Lee Bridges says she was outside with her dogs around the time the power went out when a North-western Energy truck pulled up; giving her a chance to ask the driver what caused the problem.

She says he pointed up and said, "Apparently, we've got deer with wings."

Bridges looked up and saw a dead fawn on a power line.

It's unlikely the animal had an accident while trying to make like distant-cousin Rudolph. Bridges suspects that an eagle dropped its prey and couldn't retrieve it.

The lineman who removed the carcass from the power line said he'd never seen anything like it.

The good thing is it was already cooked......

Right even more of a tonk

A cat burglar who broke into a home and stole a schoolboy's pet cat has demanded a £1 million ransom for its safe return.

Caesar is a rare Mekong Bobtail cat but its owner - 12-year-old Dawid Kisielewski - says the pet is not worth more than £500.

Caesar was nabbed last month from the youngster's home in Myslowice, Poland.

Dawid had almost given up hope after putting up posters all over town, when the family suddenly got the mysterious ransom phone call.

"He has been beside himself with worry - he loved Caesar," said mum Jolanta, 40.

The family said it had received a phone call from a man saying he had the cat and would return it safely for £1m.

Now police say they will do all they can to find the cat-napper.

"Someone who demands a ransom for the misappropriation of property belonging to another can get three years imprisonment," said police spokesman Ryszard Padua. 

Here kitty, kitty....

And finally:

 A fishy tale

British anglers have been banned from using white bread as bait because it makes fish fat, it has been claimed.

A fishery has become the first in the country to veto white bread amid fears it is unhealthy for the fish.

Instead, fishermen have been urged to cast out pieces of whole meal and granary bread into lakes.

Experts say white bread lacks the protein that brown slices contain and too much of it leaves fish bloated, lethargic and with bad guts.

Anglers tend to throw bait onto the surface of the water to attract fish like carp to their "peg" on the bank and bread is often a popular choice.

White bread has also been commonly used as a hook-bait for centuries and is even referenced in the fisherman's Bible The Compleat Angler by Izaak Walton in 1653.

But a fishery in Hampshire has become the first in the country to take the unusual step of banning it because of the poor dietary effects it has on the fish.  

Best thing since........?

That’s it: I’m orf to examine my green ring. 

And today’s thought: Die dulci fruere.

Angus