U-Turn Cam’s empty Piss Poor Policy: Up, up and.......nicked: Stumpy Numpty: Glowing motors: Crash test Focus: and Hanging out is good for you.

Oodles of sky water, mixed in with thunder at the Castle this morn, his Maj has been out to do his business and is now curled up on my lap with steam rising from his soaked fur.

The study is 50/50 with defunct do-dahs, and at 187 miles on 14 and a bit litres of go juice the Honda is doing 57 and a smidge to the imperial gallon, all I have to do now is raise the cash to put another twenty squids worth in.

 After the “referendum” balls up and the Eurozone debacle: 

U-Turn Cam and the rest of the Piss Poor Policy Tory tosspots warned that they might demand Britain's exemption from European employment protection laws as a condition for any treaty change needed to help save the euro.

Education Secretary, Michael Gove, said he would like to see regulations governing "whom we can hire, how we can hire and how long they work" taken away from Brussels.

He added: "I would like to see a change in this Parliament... We need to win [back] more [powers] and that process will require careful negotiation."

But, the Prime Minister's official spokesman said later that neither Mr Cameron nor Mr Gove were speaking for the Government on the issue.

?????

Dahn Unda

Letting go of a single balloon deliberately will now get you in trouble with Sunshine Coast Council after it approved a raft of new laws including regulation of balloons and dogs in dining areas.

In a shock move Mayor Bob Abbot back-flipped on his feelings about dogs in cafe and supported the motion, instead tabling his concerns in a document because he didn't wish to be 'disrespectful'.

In front of a packed gallery, Division 12 Cr Lew Brennan put forward a motion to remove the balloon law because he said it was 'meaningless'. 

Nice to see that they are concentrating on the important things.....

Over to the warm sunny bit of the Americas

Authorities in Southern California say they rescued a man stuck inside a hollow tree trunk by following the sounds of his screams down into a creek bed.

The Orange County Register (http://bit.ly/rLUnFV) reports that Orange County sheriff's deputies found the man stuck up to his chest inside a narrow hole in the trunk, which extended about four or five feet underground.

The newspaper says fire-fighters took about 90 minutes to free him once they found him Tuesday morning.

Lt. Roland Chacon says it's unknown why the man climbed into the hole near the base of the tree.

 

Because he’s a stumpy Numpty of course.

West even more

Used-car dealers in Japan are sitting on hundreds of vehicles contaminated by high levels of radiation from the nuclear meltdown at Fukushima earlier this year.

And some unscrupulous salesmen are disguising this fact by re-registering and selling them to unsuspecting customers.

One vehicle in particular is "so radioactive that sitting inside it for two hours a day will expose the occupant to more than the Government’s recommended maximum dose over the course of a year".

A car dealer who bought a contaminated vehicle told the paper: "I decontaminated repeatedly after the test, and retested the filter of the air conditioner, the wipers and tyres, replacing them thoroughly, but the radiation level dropped only to 30 microsieverts per hour. I decided to sell the vehicle in Japan because I couldn’t afford to lose the money."

Vehicles that emit radiation higher than 0.3 microsieverts an hour are banned from export.

Harbour authorities barred 660 cars last month because they exceeded the limit.

Glowing testimonial?

Dahn at MIRA in Blighty

Channel Five's motoring show Fifth Gear wanted to see what would happen in a head-on collision at120 mph, reports the Daily Telegraph.

Organisers refused to use expensive crash test dummies and instead opted for cheaper mannequins for the experiment.

The complex operation saw engineers from MIRA setting up a winch which would thrust the Ford towards the wall using 16 times the pulling power of a Bugatti Veyron.

As the contraption was activated, the Ford Focus hurtles towards the concrete wall and is obliterated on impact.

Within just 60 milliseconds, the car went from 120mph to 0mph with the mannequins subjected to forces of up to 400g.

Ellie Pearson from road safety charity Brake praised Fifth Gear for carrying out the test which demonstrated the potential risk of high-speed driving.

She said: "Modern cars are capable of reaching immense speeds and it is important that people realise how dangerous high speed driving is.

"This footage demonstrates the utter destruction of a high speed impact and hopefully anyone who sees it will think twice about their speed the next time they drive."

Go on-click the link; it will make you cringe.

And finally:

Apparently

Being naked really is good for your skin, according to research released today.

According to a leading dermatologist, naturists who exposed their bodies to the elements whatever the season, were found to be more aware of their skin’s needs.

Nearly half (45 per cent) applied sun protection every day, 82 per cent examine their skin for any abnormalities on a regular basis and eight out of 10 naturists feel that wearing natural fibres such as cotton provide comfort for their skin.

The research carried out by Comfort Pure, showed that those who prefer the fully clothed route do not give their skin the same level of care as naturists, with only a third using fabric softeners to leave clothes soft on skin.

54 per cent of naturists that took part in the study feel very confident about the look and feel of their bodies, compared to only 1 in 10 of their fully clothed counterparts.

 Think I’ll try it in the Castle; problem is that I haven’t seen the lower half of my bod for years......

 That’s it: I’m orf to do a bit of patent trolling.

And today’s thought: If you have to choose between two evils . . . pick the one you've never tried before.

Angus

No choice: Lord Young returns: Million miles Honda: ‘Ampshire Zombosium: Life on Earth: and fat cats.

Not a clue about the meteorological conditions at the Castle this morn-too dark to see, but it is warmish and calmish.

The study is chock a thingy with ailing do-dahs, his Maj is stalking things in the lack of light and I have to go to Pets’ City/smart/at home for some pussy litter.

Democracy?

It is with a heavy heart that I see that the EU referendum was shot down by the new Lib/Con/Lab Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

It seems that 483 anally retentive “MPs” have decided that 62ish million people in dear old Blighty will not be given a voice over whether or not to stay in the money pit known as the “European Union” which of course started out at the “European Economic Community” a free trade pact designed to allow countries to carry out business without political interference.

I think it was on “Question Time” last week that a point was put to the “panel”-“now that the dictator in Libya has gone: when will ours go?”

Order! Order.

And:

11 months ago “Lord” Young shuffled out of no10 after telling us that we  had "never had it so good" declaring that low interest rates meant home-owners were actually better off thanks to the "so-called recession".

Allegedly the 79-year-old Conservative is returning to his former Downing Street role just 11 months after he stepped down, according to The Telegraph.

Officials have reportedly converted a No 10 meeting room into an office for the peer to use in his unpaid role that will focus on finding ways of removing barriers to growth for small and medium size companies.

Downing Street said it was unable to confirm the appointment. It is understood, however, that an announcement is expected shortly.

Hopefully that the whole bloody useless lot of them are being evicted.

Left a lot to the land of straight roads

LoCicero, 53 was honoured with a surprise parade and given a 2012 Accord on Sunday afternoon after racking up more than 1 million miles on his trusted older model, nicknamed “True Blue” for its light-blue exterior.

He is the first person documented by the car manufacturer to have driven a Honda to the million-mile mark, according to a company spokeswoman.

LoCicero said he’s not sure what he’ll do with the 1990 Accord now that he has a new model, also made in Ohio. He’s tried to sell the older model to a few car dealers recently for $1 million, hoping they’d want to display it to advertise the longevity of Honda vehicles. 

I do like an optimist......

Dahn in ‘Ampshire

The University of Winchester is to hold a Zombosium on Friday, 17 speakers will give talks on how the living dead have infected popular culture.

‘The conference has a serious purpose,’ said organiser Dr Marcus Leaning, lecturer in the school of media and film. ‘You should study popular culture if you want to understand society. Zombies reflect the anxieties and concerns people have. One idea is that it’s due to austerity, another that it stems from the ‘‘climate of fear’’ after al-Qaeda. No-one really believes in zombies but it’s a way of thinking about big scary things such as a terrorist attack. It’s cathartic.’

No it isn’t; its bollocks.....

A nice picture of Human life on Earth.

And fat cats.

That’s it: I’m orf to grow some meat

And today’s thought: "Law will be simplified over the next century. Lawyers will have diminished, & their fees will have been vastly curtailed." - Journalist Julius Henri Browne, 1893

Angus

U-Turn Cam’s vow: Ed-EU-cation: Rent a Crimbo tree: Producer gobbled up: and Cheesy thefts.

Sunny, warmish and damp at the Castle this morn, there was some sky water over the dark thing and more is expected later.

The study is filling up nicely with no-go computers and I carried out even more vandalism on the garden yestermorn.

Been to Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and Pussy food run, I purchased one of those “fake” pounds so that I could use the trolleys, but they only seemed to come in twos, so I ended up with a basket-again....

A touch late today, the elbow is now locked and to be honest I can’t be arsed....

Not a lot of “interesting” stuff in the media this Monday, but apparently French dwarf Sarkozy had a bit of a pop at U-Turn Cam over the Euro debacle-do I give a toad’s todger-no...

And talking of U-Turn Cam

It seems that the leader of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition is going to demand more British control over employment and social laws in return for supporting a new European treaty to shore up the single currency. 

And next week U-Turn Cam is going to solve the problems with the economy by feeding the whole of the country with five loaves and a fish-or three........

Apparently: 

The EU spends 2.4 billion Euros

A year promoting itself and its central aim of 'ever closer union', in 2008 alone, it spent more than 2.4 billion Euros. That is more than Coca Cola spends on advertising each year, worldwide.

As well as a sophisticated information and communication strategy designed to 'sell' the EU and its political message, the EU also spends billions of Euros a year on efforts to engender a common European culture and citizenship, with the explicit aim of increasing people's attachment to the EU project.

The EU pours hundreds of millions of Euros a year into think-tanks and lobby groups which promote its policies and campaign for further EU integration, and many of its efforts are directed very deliberately at young people.

Bloody foreigners......

The latest December the 25^th birthday celebration “must have” is

Rent a Crimbo tree, people will be able to “rent” Christmas trees under a scheme that aims to reduce the number of cut trees which are thrown away every January.

The hire scheme provides people with a pruned and potted Christmas tree for the festive period, before it is collected in the new-year and replanted to be rented out the following Christmas.

Once the tree grows too big for homes, it will be planted in sites including schools and nursing homes, where it will absorb a tonne of carbon, according to the Little Tree Company.

Figures suggest some six million real Christmas trees are dumped after the festive season each year, only 10 per cent of which are recycled for composting and wood chipping with the rest ending up in landfill.

Think I’ll stick to the fake one that hasn’t left the loft for six years.

Over in the land of thanksgiving

A TV producer checking out reports of wild turkeys bullying a peaceful neighbourhood east of California's capital city is herself chased by a gobbler taking no prisoners.

 Well. What did the dozy mare expect?

And finally: 

It seems that the most commonly stolen food around the world is cheese

Cheese has is now classed as a “high-risk food” due to the rate of theft, Sky News reports.

In the UK, almost £5 million of cheese has been stolen in the last year.

Allegedly, a large percentage of thefts from stores are by the workers, at almost 40 per cent.

The most commonly stolen items from supermarkets after cheese are razorblades, alcohol, coffee and CD’s and DVD’s.

Cheddar Gorge?

 That’s it: I’m orf to update Google reader

And today’s thought: "The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them." - Albert Einstein

Angus

Euro empire: Not a bleedin clue: Lambo letdown: $1 history: Chevy comes home: and Brazil nuts.

‘Tis pleasantly clement at the Castle this morn, sunny, calm and dry, the elbow is getting worse and his Maj is up the flowering cherry tree.

Still here; it seems that Armageddon was yet another balls up by old fart Harold Camping

Oh well; third time lucky?

I see that yet another satellite has crashed and burned, this one is the German Roentgen Satellite (Rosat) which re-entered the Earth's atmosphere between 01:45 and 02:15 GMT this morn.

Experts calculate that perhaps as much as 1.6 tonnes of wreckage - more than half the spacecraft's launch mass - could ride out the destructive forces of re-entry and hit the planet.

It is not clear whether any pieces have yet reached the Earth's surface.

 Oh yeah-what’s this then...

And allegedly:

European Union chiefs are drawing up plans for a single “Treasury” to oversee tax and spending across the 17 eurozone nations.

The proposal, put forward by Herman Van Rompuy, the European Council president, would be the clearest sign yet of a new “United States of Europe” — with Britain left on the sidelines.

 Good.......

 

And apparently;

Dustbin diver Oliver Letwin is to beg the public for help on how to run the Government.

The Cabinet Office minister told Tory MPs earlier this year they would be “out of ideas” after 2012. Now, he and fellow Cabinet minister Francis Maude will launch a bizarre “tell us how” campaign, asking for advice on delivering better policies.

Details of the scheme emerged just days after Mr Letwin was photographed dumping sensitive ­documents in St James’s Park litter bins, across the road from his Whitehall office.

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition gets even more Piss Poorer.

 

Over to where they drive on the wrong side of the road

A $400,000 Lamborghini was left a mangled mess after a test drive through the city went horribly wrong.

The prospective buyer was behind the wheel of the white Lamborghini Gallardo when he lost control of the vehicle, hitting a barrier on the Macquarie St entry to the Cahill Expressway about 9am yesterday.

Lamborghini Sydney salesman Ian Watts, who was in the passenger seat at the time, had the nerve-racking job of calling his boss and telling him about the damage caused to the luxury vehicle.

The front of the car was a complete wreck, with the impact ripping the front right-hand wheel from its axle and the bonnet from its hinges.

Lamborghini Sydney managing director Andrew Smith said that, luckily, the car was insured.

That’s another couple of Dollars on the insurance premium then....

And in Iowa

Those interested in buying Mason City’s historic Egloff House can get it at a steal for $1. But city officials say it will cost at least $300,000 to dismantle, move and repair the flood-damaged house.

The house, built in 1939 by Dr. William C. and Margaret Egloff, was damaged in the June 2008 flooding.

Last year, the city bought it for $314,000 through a government buyout program and has been trying to find ways of saving it ever since.

The Mason City Globe Gazette reports that a study team consisting of house movers, an architect, structural engineer, architectural historian and a contractor recently determined the house can be moved.

But to do that, the family room and garage would need to be detached from the main structure.

$300,001; cheap at half the price....

Still where they drive on the wrong side of the road

A Missouri man and his beloved classic car have been reunited 16 years after the vehicle was stolen.

Edward Neeley, of Jefferson City, Mo., picked up his red 1969 Chevy Camaro in Salt Lake City on Tuesday after tracking it down in Utah last month.

Neeley contacted Utah authorities after he saw the Camaro listed for sale online, the Deseret News of Salt Lake City reported (http://bit.ly/raLn1d).

The seller, Brent Dockery of Syracuse, bought the car four years ago on eBay and also is a victim, investigators said. He was unaware its vehicle identification number had been switched.

Davis County detectives obtained a search warrant and found the authentic VIN in the door panel, which confirmed Neeley's suspicions.

After an investigation, the Utah Motor Vehicle Enforcement Division returned the car to Neeley, who was determined to be the rightful owner.

Chevy chase?

 And finally:

Brazil has been invaded

A picture which purportedly shows an alien lurking in the Amazon is being put forward as evidence that there is supernatural activity on earth.

The image, which shows an unidentified being standing with its back arched a few feet from what looks like a floating orb of light behind a group of children, was apparently taken from video footage captured by two British tourists visiting the Mamaus region of the Brazilian rainforest.

The video was obtained by noted paranormal writer Mike Cohen, who says the area is known for its 'intense UFO activity'.

He said: 'This is highly compelling footage that will be hard to discredit.

'It comes from an area known for experiencing intense UFO activity. It is rather apparent that aliens are interested in this region due to its biological diversity.

'The area was also the focus of a high-level Brazilian government investigation known as Operation Prato, where the army was sent in to monitor and confirm an alien presence in the region.'

 Absolute bollocks-everyone knows that all the aliens are in the Houses of Parliament....

 That’s it: I’m orf to hunt for the Stuxnet worm. 

And today’s thought: Very funny Scotty . . . now beam up my clothes.

  Angus

Flat battery: Aid loans: Armadillo attack: Crap alchemist: Big burger: and the Patterdale Blob.

Coldish, calmish and cloudyish at the Castle this morn, the study is devoid of all things broken and bollixed up and his Maj refuses to use the very expensive cat door installed in the rear exit so I sit here wrapped up in a blanket until the heating can go on. 

Inflicted even more vandalism on the garden yesterday, the trellis that the Virginia Creeper was growing on had rotted so it had to go, spent about an hour cutting the creeper back-a bit like unravelling spaghetti, and I made a fence out of the good bits which is just at the right height to put my feet up on while sitting on the folding chair.

The fifteen foot high Lilac “tree” was beginning to be infected with the same viral disease that killed the California Lilac and that went as well, I now can’t move my right elbow because of all the sawing-should have changed hands.......

I see that up in Brum

Inmates at the first UK prison to be transferred to the private sector were locked in their cells for almost a full day after a set of keys fitting every cell door went missing.

Staff at Birmingham Prison, which houses 1,450 prisoners and was taken over by the private security firm G4S this month, noticed the keys were missing on Tuesday. It is not known if they have been found, or what action has been taken by the prison, but the firm insisted there was no risk to public safety.

A G4S spokeswoman said: "All prisons have well-established contingency plans to deal with incidents of this nature."  

Like locking all the guests up.......

Meanwhile:

Still in Blighty

A government plan to make 2011 "the year the electric car took off" appears to have stalled, with uptake of a scheme to promote sales of environmentally friendly vehicles falling dramatically.

The "plug-in car grant", conceived under Labour and launched by Philip Hammond in January when he was Transport Secretary, offered an incentive of up to £5,000 to buy an electric car.

The number of vehicles sold through the scheme has dropped significantly since its launch, with only 106 being bought in the third quarter of 2011, down from 465 in the first quarter of this year, and 215 in the second. Despite an increase in the total number of electric cars being sold in Britain – from 167 in 2010 to 940 in 2011 according to the Society of Motor Manufacturers and Traders – environmental campaigners have criticised a lack of infrastructure for its failure.

Or maybe it’s because NOBODY HAS ANY BLOODY MONEY!

 And: 

Up in Whitehall

The Government is to begin phasing out aid to India and gradually replace it with loans to small businesses in some of the country's poorest areas.

Details of the pilot scheme, which is being pioneered in India by the Department for International Development, emerged on Friday amid continuing questions over why Britain gives any aid to the world's second fastest growing economy. India is currently growing at up to eight per cent while Britain's growth forecasts have fallen below one per cent.

The decision to use India as a test case for replacing donor aid with recoverable loans was taken after Andrew Mitchell, the international development minister, voiced doubts earlier this year that British aid to India would continue "for very much longer." The Indian government has been indifferent at best to Britain's aid contribution and increasingly sees itself as an aid donor – it has pledged to give more than $500 million in aid to Afghanistan and is set to launch its own international aid agency.

 

No budget cuts for this “agency”. 

Wonder what Andrew Mitchell has got on Dave?

Over in the lone star State

Dallas police are on the hunt for a man who is accused of attacking a woman with a frozen armadillo. The Sept. 29 altercation occurred in the parking lot of an apartment complex, where the 57-year-old was buying the carcass from the suspect so that she could eat it. An argument over the price led to the man allegedly throwing the dead animal at the woman—not once, but twice, MyFox Austin reports. She was reportedly bruised when it struck her in the leg and chest, and the man could face assault charges if located.

Is that the way to Armadillo?

Right a lot

A man from Northern Ireland has been jailed after an experiment in which he attempted to turn his own faeces into gold went wrong and started a fire in a block of flats.

Yahoo news reported that Paul Moran will now serve three months in jail and a further 12 months on license after the failed experiment caused a fire at his Housing Executive home in Derrin Park, Enniskillen.

Moran admitted arson and endangering the lives of others in the fire, which reportedly caused over £3,000 worth of damage.

It is thought that as part of the bizarre experiment Moran left his faeces, along with other waste products such as fertiliser, on a heater.

In his ruling Judge McFarland told Moran: “Rather bizarrely you were attempting to make gold from human faeces and waste products.

“It was an interesting experiment to fulfil the alchemist’s dream, but wasn’t going to succeed.”

Moran’s barrister mentioned that his client was a man of ‘considerable intellectual ability’.

And the IQ of a turd....

 
 

 Back over in the big bit of land on the left

A Detroit-area restaurant has cooked up another giant burger.

The Detroit News reports that Mallie's Sports Grill & Bar in Southgate made a 338-pound "Absolutely Ridiculous Burger" on Thursday. A crowd of people gathered to salivate over the unveiling of the massive $2,000 menu item.

The 3-foot-high sandwich packs 540,000 calories and takes 22 hours to cook. Manager Jason Jones says it comes with fries and a drink.

Over the years, Mallie's has drawn attention for cooking up monstrous burgers. In 2008, the restaurant produced a 134-pound burger. Six months later it made one weighing 164 pounds. In 2009, it built 186-pound burger and in January it created one that topped the scales at 319 pounds.

 

Hope Eric Pickles doesn’t hear about it.

And talking of Eric Pickles

Up in the Lake District walkers have been left baffled by a quivering, translucent mass, nicknamed Star Jelly because it reputedly fell to Earth from meteors.

The latest bizarre sightings were on hills and pastures in Patterdale, Cumbria, where holiday-cottage owner Rob Shephard said: “I came across about 10 blobs floating on top of some puddles.

"They were the size of my foot. I didn’t touch the jelly, I just took some snaps.”

Village store owner Tom Driscoll, 53, has also been left perplexed, saying: “I was walking with my partner when we came across six or eight piles of the stuff.

“My initial thought was that it could be frog spawn, but when I had a closer look I realised this was not the case.

“I touched it and it had the consistency of frog spawn but some of the pieces were as big as a person’s foot and I didn’t think it was anything that a human or animal could make.”

Royal Botanic Garden Edinburgh algae expert Dr Hans Sluiman investigated a 2009 sighting in Scotland, which was linked to stags’ rutting season.

He said: “I did discover the jelly is made up almost entirely of water but was not able to find out exactly what it was. It may be toxic frogs that have been eaten by other animals and then spat out. But nobody knows for sure.”

Obviously Pickles didn’t have a hanky to hand......

That’s it: I’m orf to have an ice cream sandwich. 

And today’s thought: I went into McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." And the girl behind the counter says, "Would you like fries with that?"

Angus

Longannet power station cancelled: Up your Councillors: Breast slapping: Bruton sat-nav Numpty: 64 days in Tesco’s: and a big family.

Cold, calm and sunny at the castle this morn, the butler is inserting fat teenagers into the furnace, his Maj took one sniff of the day at the rear exit and jumped onto the chair by the radiator and the Honda is covered in white crusty stuff for the first time this year.

Bit late this Friday-overslept.

I see that Gaddafi is a goner-oh dear what a shame, now our forces can come home and join the dole queue, and allegedly the world has heated up by one degree C since 1800, only another 211 years before the heating bill comes down then.

  And:

The “new” all singing, all dancing coal fired power station at Longannet north of the border has been cancelled.

The flagship project at Longannet, the huge power station on the Firth of Forth, fell apart after the consortium planning to build it, headed by Scottish Power and including Shell and the National Grid, demanded considerably more investment than the £1bn which the Government had set aside for the scheme.

The project's collapse is a blow to Britain's declared aim of being the first country with a full-scale generating plant employing carbon capture and storage (CCS) – a complex new technology which takes CO2 out of power station waste gases, liquefies it, and buries it deep underground, or in this case under the North Sea. CCS is seen as a crucial technique in reducing carbon emissions, which Britain has pledged to cut by 80 per cent by 2050.

The Energy Secretary, Chris (no nuclear/yes nuclear) Huhne, was quick to point out yesterday that CCS remained a key part of Britain's energy strategy and that the £1bn would remain available for other CCS projects.

 

Or maybe not........

And:

While the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition ponders on cutting the 5 per cent increase in benefits because it is “unfair” to those lucky enough to have a job.

Members of Cambridgeshire County Council will see their allowances package increase from £7,610 a year to £9,500 after they approved the deal.

The decision attracted condemnation from union leaders, who branded its timing “incredibly insensitive”, while council workers were being made redundant.

Under the changes, approved by 33 votes to 29, the Tory council’s leader, Nick Clarke, will enjoy a £38,000 annual allowances package – up from £29,856.

Other councillors with additional responsibilities for holding cabinet posts and chairing committees will see larger increases in their pay.

 Tory see, Tory snatch.....

Over in the land of some odd “medicines”

Apparently for those women who want bigger headlights there is a new craze.

 The government of Thailand is promoting the controversial technique known as “breast- slapping” which involves kneading, massaging and hitting breasts as well as the buttocks in order to firm the rear.

One beauty shop in Bangkok has been licensed to perform the non-surgical treatment and owner, Khemmikka Na Songkhla, better known as Khunying Tobnom, claims that proper application of the technique, which involves six ten-minute sessions, can be painful but effectively boost breast size by up to two inches.

Government approval came after the Health Ministry of the Thai government conducted a six-month study about this procedure after one client erroneously claimed she developed breast cancer from the technique.

Results indicated that the vigorous massage did increase the size of the breasts of those women who volunteered for the study with no health-related consequences.

The Ministry not only endorsed her procedure, they even sponsored a special program urging women to learn how to slap their own breasts.

 

The breast slapping clinic is open seven days a week from 8 till 5 at the Castle....

Dahn in Zomerzet

A lorry driver ended up with a face as red as the cab of his truck after a satnav blunder left him stuck in a narrow alley in the village of Bruton.

The driver, who remains anonymous, was delivering soft drinks in the sleepy village and was searching for a parking space when his lorry became stuck between a house and an estate agents.

Thanks to the lanes steep incline, he was unable to reverse back up the street and had no choice but to stay put and endure the taunts of the locals, who found the whole incident much more amusing than his boss.

The driver was forced to sleep in his cab overnight while a rescue team was sent out to tow him back up the street, causing minor damage to property, and has since been suspended from his job at Ian Crank Soft Drinks.

 

Cranky sat-nav?

Allegedly

We spend 64 days of our life walking around supermarkets, a study has found.

The average Briton covers 22,784 miles – equivalent to going around the globe – travelling to stores and traipsing the aisles.

Some 47 per cent are so obsessed with finding grocery bargains they visit at least two supermarkets a week.

And one in 20 now spends up to 30 minutes seeking deals on price comparison websites before heading out.

Saving on household goods such as toilet rolls is a priority for 76 per cent, according to the research by Sainsbury’s.

Cheap meat and poultry is our second target followed by fresh fruit and veg, toiletries and canned and packaged goods. But 55 per cent say they get frustrated and annoyed by the whole experience.

 Join the club....

 And finally: 

East a fair way to the land of huge amounts of Blighty aid and nuclear weapons

Ziona Chana is head of the world’s largest family, which has 181 members – him, 39 wives, 94 children, 14 daughters-in-law and 33 grandkids.

Although the construction worker, whose youngest child is five, certainly has his hands full – and, in one of our pictures, his head in his hands – he insists he is blessed. Ziona, 67 said: “I consider myself a lucky man to be the husband of 39 women and head of the world’s largest family.”

Life at the family’s 100-room, four-storey house in Baktwang, India, is run with military precision, with first wife Zathiangi, 71, organising all the others when it comes to domestic chores.

 The mind boggles....

That’s it: I’m orf to apply for a Phytophtora lateralis grant. 

And today’s thought: The pen is mightier than the sword; unfortunately the sword has been superseded by the gun......

 Angus

Bollixed up internet: Vindictive Fox: Prize Euro: Plan your funeral: If at first...: we wish you a Yurt Crimbo: and Spiderman:

Sunny, calm and exceedingly nippy at the Castle this morn, the study is overflowing with ailing adding machines and his Maj has decided that the lack of temperature is a good reason to stay in.

Very late this day, the internet connection has been “dropping” in and out” since six of the am, I blame the press.

 

And talking of said news providers

Mr/Dr/The right Hon Liam Fox did his “apology” in the Commons and ended up blaming the “media” for his downfall.

In true blue Tory style knobhead, non-gay Liam said he accepted his fate "without bitterness or rancour". But he then lashed out at "vindictive" coverage of his downfall. 

Just resign your seat and give us all some peace.....

And: 

Conservative peer and major party donor Lord Wolfson

Has offered a £250,000 prize for the best method of enabling a country to leave the euro, it comes ahead of crunch meetings in Brussels this weekend of European Union leaders and finance ministers, including David Cameron and George Osborne, who will try to thrash out a deal to stabilise the eurozone.

A report from think-tank Open Europe suggested today that as much as 370 billion Euros (£323 billion) will be needed to recapitalise European banks as part of a "painful, but necessary eurozone debt restructuring" which could include a partial 60% default for Greece.

 

Simples-just tell the EU to go and procreate with itself... I claim my quarter mill.....

In the Olympic city

Vicar Carol Richards told parishioners brides should avoid organising weddings during the Games.

And, on a more sombre note, Richards told church-goers in Stratford, where most of the Olympic events will take place from July 27-August 12, that if there was a death, funerals should be planned on quiet Olympic days.

Maybe the deceased could use the “new improved” tube system....

Righteous bollocks

Harold Camping, 90, stated that ‘Judgement Day’ would take place on May 21, when Jesus would return to Earth and the “righteous” would be taken up to Heaven.

Despite the fact that May 21 came and went, the American evangelist now claims that this Friday, October 21, will be the actual Apocalypse.

Camping, who runs Christian broadcast channel Family Radio, was reportedly “flabbergasted” when no one was “raptured” on that date.

However, he maintains that “God accomplished exactly what he wanted to happen” and that a “spiritual judgement” had occurred to make way for the “physical destruction”.

At his age I wouldn’t think that it matters....

Over the pond

Splash out on a $75,000 Christmas yurt for your loved ones, a luxury version of the tent, more associated with Mongol nomads than Wall Street dealmakers, is one of the gifts available in the 2011 Neiman Marcus Christmas book.

At 18 feet in diameter, the hand-painted yurt is 'the ideal simulation of a genie's posh bottle', the catalogue reads.

The portable structure also includes one-of-a-kind designer down-filled pillows and a crystal chandelier.

Oh come all ye Yurtful?

And finally:

In the land of Toblerone

Swiss customs officers spotted six suspicious carefully-packaged boxes on an inbound flight they perhaps thought they were stuffed with drugs.

But when shocked officials broke open the cases and discovered a haul of 261 tarantulas - each of them packed in their own plastic bags.

The Mexican red-kneed tarantulas - which are mildly poisonous to humans - grow up to six inches long and live for up to 30 years.

The shipment was destined for an unidentified Swiss dealer when it was broken open.

Ten of the spiders had died on their flight over from the Dominican Republic.

When they later raided the dealer's home they discovered a further 665 tarantulas and 72 flesh-eating centipedes.

Sod that......

That’s it: I’m orf to have a brain scan. 

And today’s thought: “The Internet is like a gold-rush; the only people making money are those who sell the pans.”

 Angus