May-be she’s telling porkies: Three core still doesn’t get it: Smokin motor: Parting the moat: Hole in one: and an alien on ice.

Cold, dark, dingy and leafy at the Castle this morn, the study is nicely packed with defunct do-dahs and fat teenagers are sliding into the furnace like shit orf a shovel.

I see that Theresa May (be telling porkies)

Is back on the front pages after Sir Michael Scholar made a rare intervention after crime reporters were told that more cocaine and almost double the amount of heroin were detected between April and September of this year than in the whole of the previous 12 months. They held the briefing on 4 November for publication three days later.

But the department's official Statistical Bulletin showed the amount of heroin seized in England and Wales had actually halved in 2010-11 compared with 2009-10, while the amount of cocaine found was down by one-quarter.

The UKBA described the statistics as "management information" rather than fully audited figures and stood by the decision to release them.

 Lying bollocks-resign May.

And:

According to three core Cable

Motorists should not to expect “freebies” on fuel duty from the Government.

Mr Cable told the Daily Telegraph that the Government “isn't in the position to do a lot” on fuel duty. “We've got a very big budget deficit and the top priority is getting that down,” he said.

Because of changes already made by the Coalition, petrol prices are 6p a litre lower than they would have been, he said.

The Business Secretary, a Liberal Democrat, insisted that ministers have already done “quite a lot” for drivers and do not have the money for more help.

Sigh.......

And:

 

Staying with the motoring theme

According to the BMA (British Motoring Medical Association) all smoking in cars should be banned across the UK to protect people from second-hand smoke, doctors say.

The British Medical Association called for the extension of the current ban on smoking in public places after reviewing evidence of the dangers.

It highlighted research showing the levels of toxins in a car can be up to 23 times higher than in a smoky bar.

The doctors' union said an outright ban - even if there were no passengers - would be the best way of protecting children as well as non-smoking adults.

More nanny bollocks, why don’t they change tack and do something about the Piss Poor “doctors” out there that are killing and maiming patients and then walking away without any form of “punishment”.

Over to the below sea level land

Tourists are flocking to a Moses-style bridge where visitors can miraculously part the waters and walk across an historic moat.

The bridge features a sunken walkway beneath the water level surrounding a Dutch fort.

Architects were keen not to step on the toes of their forefathers by building a bridge over a moat.

Ad Kils, a spokesman for RO & AD Architects, said: 'It is, of course, highly improper to build bridges across the moats of defence works, especially on the side of the fortress the enemy was expected to appear on. That's why we designed an invisible bridge.'

The water forms part of the West Brabant Water Line, a series of moats and fortresses built in the 17th century in the south-west of the country to provide protection from invasion by France and Spain.

Falling into disrepair in the 19th century, the water line was finally restored and an access bridge was needed to Fort de Roovere.

Let’s hope there is a small boy available just in case, I Googled “finger in the Dyke” for the pic......some photos made even me blush....

Right a bit to the place where cheese has ventilation

A Swiss motorist baffled police by driving her van straight down a five foot hole surrounded by crash barriers without another single vehicle on the road.

Driver Ingrid Schneider, from Herisau, told police she'd been concentrating so hard on avoiding the roadwork’s she found herself being drawn straight towards them.

"She said the more she thought about it the closer it seemed to be dragging her in, like some kind of black hole," explained one officer.

"There wasn't another car in sight, she didn't need to swerve, and wasn't distracted. She just drove right into the middle of it."

How close to CERN is it?

And finally:

Right even more

A woman claims she has kept an alien in her freezer for two years after its module crash landed outside her house. Marta Yegorovnam wrapped the two-foot long body with a huge head and stick-like arms in plastic and hid it away.

She finally revealed her “secret” to the authorities and the pictures have sparked an internet frenzy with stargazers claiming they are proof there is other life out there.

Marta told investigators she found the alien after hearing a crash outside her home at Petrozavodsk, Russia, in 2009.

She claimed the body lay among the burning wreckage of a UFO.

Looks like son of a B.....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) Osborne...

That’s it: I’m orf to get the drill out-I may be quite a while...

 And today’s thought: Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.

Angus

Nepalese nest egg: Our chance: U-Turn Cam-reality check: G’day Dave: Wombling Crimbo: Getting Nun: and Larry has PMs Confidence.

Cold, damp, dismal and dodgy at the Castle this morn, the study is filling up nicely with things that do not work, his Maj has finally stopped bringing me worms and the garden is still in need of the rest of the vandalism I have had to postpone.

 

I see that dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire

The Castle’s local council is to receive the "majority" of a £1.5m fund set up to ease the pressure on resources amid an influx of former Ghurkha soldiers.

Up to 10% of the population of Rushmoor Borough Council, whose area includes Aldershot, is now Nepalese after a legal ruling allowing them to stay.

In 2009 the government allowed Ghurkha soldiers who had retired before 1997 to settle in the UK, which followed a high-profile campaign lead by actress Joanna Lumley.

I used to like Lumley...

Apparently last night U-Turn Cam described the EU as "out of touch" with reality, but insisted that Britain would be worse off if it left the 27-nation club.

In his annual foreign policy speech, the Prime Minister said the crisis in the eurozone offered an opportunity to "refashion" the EU. Describing himself as a sceptic, he attacked the union's "grand plans and utopian visions" and said: "For too long, the European Union has tried to make reality fit its institutions. But you can only succeed in the long run if the institutions fit the reality."

 

That does sound familiar-out of touch with reality, grand plans and utopian visions-ah, yes it is the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

 And:  

A bit of Dave-ja vu

Brussels has become ‘out of touch’ with ‘pointless interference, rules and regulations that stifle growth not unleash it’, the prime minister said.

However, he insisted that with European countries accounting for half of Britain’s trade, ‘leaving the EU is not in our national interest’.

Meanwhile, the Bank of England is expected to slash its growth forecast today from 1.5 per cent to one per cent amid fears the crisis will drag Britain into a double-dip recession.

Unemployment figures, out on Wednesday, are expected to show youth unemployment has hit one million

It’s all going well then Dave.....

And staying with the Arse

U-Turn Cam was met with laughter and applause for his attempt at mastering the Australian accent while recounting a meeting with our very own Prime Minister Julia Gillard

In his annual set piece foreign policy speech to the Lord Mayor of London's banquet, Cameron described the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting in Perth as one of the highlights of his year.

Cameron labelled the meeting's decision to allow first-born daughters the right to the British thrown as an 'historic agreement' and preceded to relate a conversation with Gillard.

'At the end of this meeting I turned to the Australian Prime Minister and said thank you very much Julia for allowing us to have this meeting in Australia,' Cameron said.

'And she said, I can't quite do the accent but I'll try - 'Not a bit David, this is good news for Sheila’s everywhere'.' 

He isn’t doing much of a job mimicking being a politician either....

Up in Wimbledon

Britain’s furriest eco-warriors The Wombles have decided to take on the TV talent contest after their Glastonbury performance became the surprise hit of this summer’s festivals.

The video for Wombling Merry Christmas, which charted at No.2 in Christmas 1974, sees the novelty stars send up former X-Factor hopefuls Jedward as they perform to judges, including a Womble Simon Cowell.

A greatest hits album, The W Factor, will also be released on December 12, featuring singles such as Remember You’re A Womble.

Uncle Bulgaria, star of the children’s TV show that spawned the band, said: ‘I don’t watch much television – I leave that to the young Wombles – but I hear The X Factor is jolly popular.

Not in the Castle it isn’t.....

Over in the land of Casinos and credit cards

A nun has narrowly avoided jail in the US after she admitted stealing £620,000 to gamble in slot machines.

Sister Marie Thornton, 65, took the cash from a Catholic college where she worked as a financial officer, reports The Mirror.

Manhattan federal court heard she would regularly lose more than £3,000 in one session in casinos in Atlantic City.

She submitted false invoices and arranged for Iona College in New York to pay her credit card bills. The college has clawed £300,000 back through insurance.

Thornton admitted stealing over 10 years and said she was "deeply sorry" for the embarrassment caused to her religious order and family.

A judge ordered her to complete 2,000 hours of unpaid work and pay back £217,600, saying it appeared she had been rehabilitated.

As an act of contrition, the nun now spends her days and nights in solitary confinement in a small room inside a Philadelphia convent.

A really bad habit-sorry......

And finally:

Back in number ten

Downing Street defended its resident cat Larry on Monday after Prime Minister David Cameron reportedly flung a fork at a mouse that had escaped the tabby's attention.

The Daily Mail newspaper said Cameron saw the mouse during a dinner with Cabinet colleagues at 10 Downing Street in central London and hurled a silver folk at the rodent as it scuttled across the floor.

Larry was recruited from a strays' home as Downing Street's "mouser-in-chief" in February after a rat was spotted in television news bulletins scurrying around outside the famous black door of the PM's residence.

Asked whether Larry should resign, Cameron's official spokesman said only: "Larry brings a lot of pleasure to a lot of people".

Unlike the rest of the residents....

That’s it: I’m orf to put a filter on the moat. 

And today’s thought: Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

Angus

Offensive U-Turn Cam: Dying to be sacked: Pippa’s Padded pants: Naked Numpty: and a Nude nut up a tree.

More than a whimsy of lack of liquid metal vertical distance at the Castle this morn, luckily there is an ample supply of fat teenagers for the furnace; no post yesterday after having a peruse of the internet thingy and even managing to leave one comment on a blog-the magic signals refused to travel down the BT line to my router and stayed that way until this morn.

But I did manage to visit “Ms” sister in the smoke on the first day of the weekend, the journey was “interesting”, fog, an accident on the three lane tarmac thing, detour to Twickenham where there was an oval ball to-do and the Lord Mayors parade made extra time on the tonk.

And, every time I went under an underpass my satnav lost its signal so as I came up to a roundabout with fifteen exits I had no clue as to which way to turn.

I eventually arrived and travelled the 16 floors on the stairway to heaven (lift) and spent a nice morn/afternoon chatting and looking at the view of the Thames, Kew gardens and the smoke through the fog from the back wall of the living room.

When I returned to the Castle there was a large envelope from the NHS on the mat, who have informed me that as I have now staggered over the official old farts line of sixty they will send me a Bowel Cancer test kit in two weeks-oh joy.

So while the Piss Poor Millionaires Club Coalition has left me devoid of a pot to piss in at least I will have one to poo in.....

Apparently a senior Tory MP is considering legal action after he was reported to have made a series of offensive comments about David Cameron.

Patrick Mercer allegedly described the Prime Minister as an “a---” who was incapable of making “a sensible decision”, and suggested that he would be forced out of Downing Street within months.

Mr Mercer, who represents the rural constituency of Newark in Nottinghamshire, has referred the matter to lawyers after claiming that his comments, allegedly made at a private party, had been obtained by “subterfuge”.

Conservative sources said the party was unlikely to take disciplinary action against Mr Mercer, whose critical views of Mr Cameron are well known.

“Arse”, that the best he can do-how about dickhead, wanker, tosser, rich bastard, inept, alien, waste of air arrogant prick.....

And NHS managers have been banned from rationing treatments while patients wait to die or go private after Andrew Lansley, the Health Secretary, admitted that some hospitals were delaying operations.

It comes after a damning report found NHS trusts were “imposing pain and inconvenience” by making patients wait longer than necessary for treatments in order to save money.

It is feared health service bosses have artificially increased waiting times as a way of making savings for many years.

But the practice had become “endemic”, the NHS Co-operation and Competition Panel found, as the health service struggles to make savings worth £20 billion over four years.

Mr Lansley said in future NHS bosses could be sacked if it was found their organisation was using such tactics.

Why is it always Mañana with this bleeding Government, sack the bastards now.......        

 And for certain readers

There has been a rush on sales of padded pants to women who want to create for themselves the same sculpted behind as Pippa Middleton.

Department store Debenhams has created the £18.99 Invisible Shaping Bum Boosters which, it claims, adds two inches to the vital statistics of the wearer’s rear end and a whole 15 degrees of curvature.

At the store’s branch in the Ocean Terminal shopping centre in Leith, the pants have been flying off the shelves.

Discreet, cheek-enhancing structures built into the back of the lining give extra bulk and curvature to the wearer, turning a flat bottom into a competitor for rear of the year.

Control panels at the front also flatten the tummy to emphasise the effect, while invisible seams remove all outlines of the garment when worn underneath clothes.

Already got some, Boots call them incontinence pants.....

Dahn in Dorset

A man has been arrested after being rescued naked from the sea in Dorset.

Coastguards received reports of a man in the water in Poole Harbour off Poole Town Quay in the early hours of Saturday.

The town's inshore lifeboat was launched to help the man but when the crew pulled him from the water they discovered he was naked.

The man, who was not injured, was arrested by police on suspicion of being drunk and disorderly.

 Pickled Walnut comes to mind.

And finally:

Staying with the naked nut theme

A man has been arrested after police discovered him naked and up a nut tree.

The Salem authorities received several 911 reports of a man without any clothes roaming the area, KGW reports.

When they arrived in the early hours of Thursday morning, police captured the naked man in a Filbert orchard wearing only tennis shoes.

Stephen James Ellingsworth, 28, of Silverton, who also goes by the last name Frolov, was taken into custody and given a warm blanket due to the cold early morning temperature.

The man told investigators that he had been out drinking with his friends the night before and had no idea how he ended up naked in a nut orchard.

He was booked into the Marion County Jail on three counts of public indecency, with bail set at $15,000.

Hope he doesn’t have a Filbert allergy...

That’s it: I’m orf to book a flight to Japan. 

And today’s thought: Things NOT to Say to a Naked Man... Well, that explains the padded pants.

Angus

Hell of a “Lord”: Cutting council cuts: Cactus cat: I me wed: Lot of photo: and Panda poo tea.

Not bad at the Castle this morn, warmish, dampish and calmish, the study is void of any broken what-knots, and I am finally orf to visit “Ms” sister in the smoke.

And today’s worm pic-getting a bit fed up with it now.

Poor old thieving Lord Hanningfield

Who stole £14,000 from us has told auntie that “he has been through "hell" for two years over his expenses.”

The former Essex County Council leader said he slept better in prison than he had during the police investigation and said: "I've paid my debt."

He said he did not believe at the time he was doing anything wrong in making claims for overnight stays in London when he actually returned to Essex.

He was jailed for nine months in July but was released on licence in September and currently wears an electronic tag and observes a 1915 GMT curfew.

 Oh dear, what a shame.....

Over the Solent

Two disabled men who faced losing their right to care won a landmark High Court case yesterday over cost cutting by their council. It was the latest in a series of rulings that threatens to disrupt the Government's attempts to slash local authority spending.

Campaigners said the judgment, in which the Isle of Wight council's plan to reduce its adult social care budget was ruled unlawful and quashed, should serve as a warning to every council that is planning cuts.

It is the second High Court ruling this week to deal a major blow to local authorities seeking to save millions of pounds by targeting adult social care in the wake of massive central government cuts to their budgets.

Mrs Justice Lang, sitting in London, ruled against the Isle of Wight's plan to restrict access to social care by making it harder for people to meet eligibility criteria. The judgment makes it unlawful for councils trying to make cuts to adult social care to ignore the impact this will have on a person's quality of life.

Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition take note.

Way over to the left

An Arizona kitty was perched atop a giant saguaro cactus for at least three days before finally coming down on its own.

Residents living in a desert area northeast of Phoenix noticed the black cat with white patches at the very top of the 30- to 40-foot cactus.

At times, the feline would stand up and survey the area, possibly trying to figure out how to get down _ or how it got up there.

Helicopter video shows the cat eventually climbing down the cactus Friday. It started making its way down head-first before turning around and scooting backward. It finally took a big leap and landed on its feet before wandering into the desert.

Cactaceae cat.

West even further

Apparently thirty-year-old Wei-yih Chen, an office worker from Taipei, was uninspired by the men she had met from whom she would have picked a marriage partner.

So she decided to get married-to herself.

She posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, hired a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends. She even paid for a solo honeymoon to Australia!

“Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do? It’s not that I’m anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition,” said Chen.

Her wedding, costing NT$50,000 (approx. US$1,500), has generated much online attention in the form of more than 1,800 mostly sympathetic comments.

Bet her wedding night was a blast....

 

Right more than a smidge and a bit

A 1999 photograph of the Rhine River by German artist Andreas Gursky has sold for $4.3 million in New York City, setting a record for any photograph sold at auction.

Titled "Rhein II," the chromogenic colour print face-mounted to acrylic glass, had a pre-sale estimate of $2.5 million to $3.5 million.

It sold Tuesday at Christie's. The buyer was not disclosed.

The previous record for any photography sold at auction was Cindy Sherman's "Untitled," which fetched $3.8 million at Christie's in May.

Gursky's panoramic image of the Rhine is one of an edition of six photographs. Four are in major museums, including the Museum of Modern Art in New York and the Tate Modern in London.

 

Must have a look through the old photo albums for the most boring pic I can find.

And finally:

Back over to the East

College lecture An Yanshi has collected five tons of panda excrement to create a new type of tea.

He believes the rich fertiliser will give rise to a unique aroma that will make his brew a connoisseurs' favourite, which he will be able to sell for up to £50,000 per kilo.

'Pandas have a very poor digestive system and only absorb about 30 per cent of everything they eat. That means their excrement is rich in fibres and nutrients,' Yanshi explained.

'It has a mature, nutty taste and a very distinctive aroma while it's brewing.'

Yanshi, who collects the poo by the lorry load from the Giant Panda breeding centre in Chengdu, Sichuan province, southern China, aims to secure the Guinness World Record once his first batch of the expensive blend is ready for sale.

Can’t wait to see that in Tesco’s.

That’s it: I’m orf to the centre of the Earth. 

And today’s thought: Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet.

Angus

Pippa on the pull: Ripped orf-again: Fine for EDF customers: Talking pets: False airbags: Smashing learner: and iPhone the cops.

Damp, dingy, dismal and dodgy at the Castle this morn, didn’t get to the smoke yesterday, I managed to break my only pair of glasses so I had to go to “Specsavers”, had an eye test while I was there and discovered that the old peepers are healthy but in need of a bit more help to function.

So I look forward to getting my “new” driving glasses next Saturday at the knock down cost of £143. But they did repair my old specs for free.

And today’s worm pic.

For those that are interested

Pippa Middleton is single again after ditching her doting boyfriend Alex Loudon.

Apparently Britain's most sought-after date has not been seen with the professional cricketer turned City broker for weeks.

One source close to Old Etonian Alex said: "Pippa has become very high profile and it's put a strain on things. They're moving in different circles."

Pippa shared a three-hour romantic meal with George — son of the fabulously wealthy Duke of Northumberland — at Le Cercle restaurant near London's Sloane Square last week.

They sneaked back to his posh pad and did not emerge until 2am when George, 26, walked Pippa to the lobby and gave her a goodnight hug.

Hope he’s wearing body armour.....

Allegedly Brits pay nearly £300 each in excess motoring taxes, a report reveals.

A whopping £31.5 billion is raised by the Government each year through fuel and vehicle excise duty.

But just £13.4billion is spent on roads and repairing environmental damage caused by traffic. That means the Treasury's coffers are swollen by an extra £18.1billion — or £293 per person.

Taxpayers' Alliance director Matthew Sinclair said: "British motorists are hit unfairly hard by motoring taxes that are far too high.

"The Chancellor should freeze duty for the rest of this Parliament. And politicians should stop ripping off British motorists with the highest taxes on petrol in the EU."

A YouGov poll for The Sun yesterday revealed 85 per cent of Brits want fuel duty frozen.

Make that 85 per cent plus one.

And:

Energy giant EDF has been fined £1.3million for spying on Greenpeace

EDF was found guilty of espionage aimed at Greenpeace.

Two of the company’s security executives were jailed, along with three others recruited to carry out the spying.

Campaigners hailed the verdict as ‘a strong message to the nuclear industry that no one is above the law’.

The verdict was reached on the day that EDF, one of seven top-tier 2012 Games sponsors, brought in price rises for its 5.7million British customers.

So that the customers can pay the fine for them...

 Dahn Unda

80pc of Australians think they can understand pets and believe they know their pets well - and can communicate"

The survey of 800 Australian pet owners found more than 95 per cent of dog owners talked to their pets, while just over 89 per cent spoke to their cats.

And 87 per cent said they understood what their pets were trying to say, according to the survey commissioned by an animal healthcare company.

I aked his Maj about this-no comment.

North of the border

Lisa Somerville, 28, was driving home in a rainstorm when she lost control and careered head-on into another car.

She was cut free by fire fighters and rushed to hospital with a punctured lung, four cracked ribs and a broken nose.

Doctors later told her the silicone pads she used to boost her then AAA bust had saved her life by acting like airbags.

Ms Somerville said: ‘I suffered a punctured lung and cracked ribs but thanks to my chicken fillets, I was still alive.

‘I was told otherwise my ribs would have pierced my heart.’

After the crash near her home in Kirkintilloch, near Glasgow, she came round moments later with shooting pains in her body.

But luckily she was ‘doubling up’ – wearing two silicone implants on both sides.

She said: ‘I was in a bad way but I was still breathing. As doctors peeled back my clothes to get a better look at the damage, they noticed the skewered chicken fillets inside my bra.’

After recovering, Ms Somerville paid £4,000 to upgrade her breasts from a triple A to a 30E.

She said: ‘I’m ten times more confident and happier than ever. I’m giving my new boobs a birthday celebration.’

Wonder if my Moobs will work as well?

East to the land of fireworks and Crimbo toys

Learner driver Wen Le had one 'L' of a time learning how to park during her lesson in Xiaolan, Guangdong province, southern China.

After hitting the accelerator instead of the brake she shot through a wall leaving the car stuck half in and half out of an alley.

"She was slightly hurt but luckily no-one was standing on the other side of the wall when she came through," said a police spokesman.

Wen added: "I don't know what happened. I was parking very carefully and the car just took off."

That’s a fail then....

                                                 

 And finally:

Over to the not so wild west

Michael Alan Skopec phoned the police five times because his iPhone wasn’t working. The 48-year-old man from Bristol, Illinois, allegedly made the calls to complain, according to a Kendall County Sheriff's Office report shared by The Smoking Gun.

Officers went out to Skopec's home around 1 a.m. Wednesday to investigate and said Skopec "refused to comply with orders from deputies," according to a sheriff's spokesperson, and he was arrested for obstructing or resisting a peace officer.

Should have bought a Blackberry, or a Samsung or an HTC....

That’s it: I’m orf to have a piss on the Leccy meter

And today’s thought: “If we go into the red next year... I shall have to give up polo.” 1969.-Prince Philip.

 Lest we forget-11-11-11.

 Angus

Schools out: Bad maths: Tyred bull: Flying porn: Chickenpox lollies: and a Piss Poor Pilot.

‘Tis a bit nicer at the Castle this morn-warmish, dryish and calmish, the study is devoid of non adding machines, and his Maj has brought me his first catch-a worm.

I’m orf to the smoke later to visit “Ms” sister up near Kew Bridge, should be interesting, I don’t do heights and she lives on the sixteenth floor.

And here is a nice pic of the asteroid that didn’t hit us the other night.

Allegedly head teachers are about to go on strike over their pensions

But union chiefs say it is still "not too late" to resolve the public sector pensions impasse.

Members of the National Association of Head Teachers (NAHT) voted by three to one in favour of the November 30th walkout over the coalition's plans to slash teachers' pensions. Turnout was 53.6%.

The 'yes' vote is a historic moment for NAHT, which had not previously backed strike action in its 114-year history. Its members hold leadership positions in 85% of primary schools and over 40% of secondary schools.

Should be given detention.

And staying on Education, education, education

Apparently too many children leave school unable to add, subtract and divide after being put off by “flawed” maths lessons, according to a leading examiner.

Mark Dawe, chief executive of OCR, one of Britain's biggest exam boards, said growing numbers of young people struggled to function in further education or the world of work after failing to “acquire the maths skills that society demands” at school.

He suggested that the existing curriculum was unable to cater for children with different needs, including the very brightest at one end and those that struggle with the basics at the other.

Currently, almost half of 16-year-olds fail to achieve grade C at GCSE, with just 15 per cent studying maths beyond that level.

It is also feared that as many as a quarter of economically active adults are "functionally innumerate".

Maybe the “Heads” should concentrate a little more on the pupils....

Over to the Island state on the left

A rodeo bull in Hawaii appears comfortable again after spending about 20 hours with his head stuck in a giant tyre.

The 800-pound bull, named Skywalker, couldn't eat or drink after he got his head lodged in the truck tyre that someone dumped at the Triple L Ranch in Maui, ranch owner Paige De Ponte said.

"He was uncomfortable and it took all day to get him out," she said Wednesday.

No one could get near the cranky bull Tuesday until Skywalker became exhausted enough for ranch worker Kawika Manoa to use a piece of wood to pry off the tyre, which weighs more than 50 pounds. Skywalker didn't put up a fight and then went straight for the water trough after being released from the rubber ring, De Ponte said.

Just as well that tyre is dangerous, it’s bald.....

Ryanair CEO Michael O'Leary

Is thinking up yet another cunning plan to make a bit more money by offering a host of web-based offerings to flyers via an app including gambling and even pornographic movies.

 His model is the pay TV services hotels offer guests.

O'Leary said he hopes to launch an in-flight web offer that mimics hotel room pay-TV services.

"I'm not talking about having it on screens on the back of seats for everyone to see," O'Leary told The Sun. "It would be on handheld devices. Passengers would be able to log into a Ryanair app using their iPads or smart phones." 

Numpty...

 

Back over to the other fifty states

US parents who reportedly buy mail order lollies infected with chickenpox to try to help their children build up immunity from the virus are being warned the practice could be dangerous.

The treats have apparently emerged following chickenpox "parties" - where parents get their youngsters together with an infected child so they catch it, in the belief it will strengthen their defences.

Such gatherings have become popular in recent years following health concerns related to vaccinations.

But Jerry Martin, US attorney for the Middle District of Tennessee, said he was concerned by reports in Phoenix and Nashville of people going on Facebook to find lollipops, saliva or other items from children who have chickenpox.

He said: "Can you imagine getting a package in the mail from this complete stranger that you know from Facebook because you joined a group, and say, 'Here, drink this purported spit from some other kid?'"

Mr Martin said it was a federal crime to send diseases or viruses across state lines in the post.

Nice.....

 

And finally:

 

Back in Blighty

A 71-year-old light aircraft pilot almost paid the ultimate price for wanting to spend a penny, it was revealed today.

Having eaten a light meal and downed two mugs of tea, the pilot took off from Husbands Bosworth in Leicestershire, a report by the Air Accidents Investigation Branch (AAIB) said.

After 45 minutes he decided he might need a "toilet call" but had already passed three landing sites he visited regularly.

He considered landing at Breighton airfield in North Yorkshire but decided to continue on to Rufforth, only 15 minutes further away.

The AAIB report said the pilot came in to land at Rufforth "with the toilet call still on his mind".

He was lining the plane up and then "remembered nothing else until he was crawling out of the aircraft".

Should have flown Ryanair......

That’s it: I’m orf to test drive a new motor 

And adding up today’s thought: "Students nowadays are so clueless", the math professor complains to a colleague. "Yesterday, a student came to my office hours and wanted to know if General Calculus was a Roman war hero..."

Angus

Piss Poor Olympics: No work-no benefits: Emergency toenails: Plastic Woodentop: Crossed wires: and Acapulco cocks and prostitutes.

Weather-same as yesterday plus a lot more than a whimsy of mist at the Castle this morn, the study is still full of ex parrots, and the garden is still only half vandalised because of the lack of dryness. 

Not being that interested in next year’s Olympics I didn’t bother to apply for the ticket lottery, but most of the 1.9 million people who did in the six-week first round of ticket sales ended up empty-handed.

A total of 1.2 million people received no tickets, with only 700,000 – 36 per cent – successful.

The Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition however has spent nearly £750,000 on 8,815 tickets for the “extravaganza”.

The Department for Culture, Media and Sport (DCMS) has been allocated 213 tickets for the opening ceremony, which cost £194,525, and 41 top-priced tickets for the opening ceremony, at £2,012.12 each. It has paid £71,490 for 143 tickets for the closing ceremony.

The DCMS submitted bids for tickets for the entire Government and, it is believed, its allocation will be shared out across all departments. Apart from £29,530 spent on tickets for the diving event, which will feature Tom Daley, 224 tickets have been bought for track cycling at the Olympic Park velodrome.

Hope “they” enjoy it.

And allegedly

People unemployed for more than two years could be forced to do compulsory community work or have their benefits cut, U-Turn Cam has announced.

The Prime Monster said people who failed to find work despite “intensive” mentoring for two years could be made to do 30 hours of community service a week for 26 weeks a year.

Under the “three strikes” rule, people who refuse to do the community work would initially lose their benefits for two weeks. A second refusal would cost four weeks of benefits and a third refusal would cost benefits for 26 weeks.

He said he wanted to teach people that they could not expect to claim benefits “in a generous compassionate society like ours” but not look for work.

And the jobs that the unemployed couldn't find are?

Meanwhile in A&E depts. across our generous, compassionate society

Women not being able to remove false fingernails and a man wanting his sick dog treated are just two of the “inappropriate” reasons why people go to accident and emergency, research found.

One father even rang 999 for an ambulance after being bitten on his ­finger by his guinea pig.

Other bizarre examples include a girl pleading for help after a hair dye disaster and another wanting someone to cut her toenails because she could not get a ­chiropody appointment.

One mother also took her child to A&E because he had stepped in dog excrement and she wanted staff to clean it off. And a ­distraught woman begged nurses to remove paint stuck in her hair.

Now a national campaign has been launched urging people to go to the right place for NHS help.

The Choose Well campaign ­features short films of these ­scenarios played by actors and is on YouTube.

Nice to see that Numptys are still around in force.

East past the edges of Europe

In an effort to reduce bad driving a dummy police officer holding a camera has been erected at the side of the road.

The fake police officer can be seen standing on the Zhengjiang Section of the Funing Highway between Shanghai and Nanjing in China.

It is hoped that its presence will deter people from driving unsafely.

If it doesn't, while the police officer may be fake the camera isn't and it records all the cars that pass the section of road.

 

Crafty lot those Orientals...

 

West, even further than Ireland

In Columbia, South Carolina, silver Jeep owner Andrew Jernigan connected jump-leads to 21-year-old friend Delaney Mills' red Volkswagen.

While attaching the jump cables to the batteries of the cars, they accidentally crossed the wires, attaching the positive cable to the negative terminal on the battery and vice versa.

After Andrew started his car up, the rubber melted off of the jump cables, making it impossible to remove them from the batteries of the cars. The battery of Andrew's jeep began to smoke.

"While calling 911 to report the case to the fire department, the battery caught flame. The fire began to spread very quickly across the entire engine of Andrew's car.

Within the 15 minutes that it took the fire-fighters to get to the scene, the flames had engulfed about three-quarters of Andrew's entire car and the flames reached about10 feet in height

 Mind you there was a 50/50 chance of the morons getting it right...

And finally: 

Dahn a bit

A surprise inspection of a jail in the Mexican resort city of Acapulco unveiled 19 prostitutes, two sacks of marijuana and 100 roosters for cock fighting, authorities have said.

The discovery came as 500 federal officers prepared to transfer some 60 inmates to maximum security prisons overnight Sunday to Monday, said Arturo Martinez, spokesman for federal anti-drug operations in the western state of Guerrero.

Police also found six female prisoners in the men's section of the jail, as well as sharp weapons, two peacocks, and luxury items such as plasma TVs, he said.

"We're investigating the probable culprits," said Martinez, spokesman for the federal operation which is working to stem a wave of violence blamed on organised crime in the region.

Fairly bleedin obvious I would have thought....and yes that is a picture of a “cell”.

That’s it: I’m orf to look for some dark sky with my Galileo gadget.

And todays Olympic thought: Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria.

I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

Angus