Not even a plan A (part trois): Bercow-no oil painting: Mar-M1-te: We fight back: Political cow piss: Exploding tofu: and a smart-phone motor.

A smidge warmer at the Castle this morn, no white crusty stuff but ample amounts of the wet stuff, the study is empty of any sort of defunct digitizers and his Maj is still bringing me worms.

And the interweb thingy is exceeding slow this Tuesday.

Today is of course “Autumn Statement” day

Son of a B.....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I'm glad I am a rich man) Osborne will try to convince us that “we are still all in this together” and that plan A is well on target.

He is expected to confirm that growth will be lower and borrowing much higher than planned.

And allegedly unveil further savings in the welfare budget - by not increasing all benefits in line with September's 5.2% inflation figures - or by a squeeze on working tax credits.

 

When plan A fails and plunges us back into the second bit of a double dip recession he will blame:

The Eurozone.

The snow.

The heat.

China.

America.

Public sector workers.

The price of sausages.

And us...

  

Still in La-la land

Dopey Bercow has had his picture taken; the painting will hang alongside those of his predecessors Baroness Boothroyd and Lord Martin in Speaker's House.

A £22,000 commission was paid for the portrait, while £15,000 was spent on "framing and heraldic painting", the Commons says.

British artist Brendan Kelly said he wanted to catch the Speaker "mid-action" in the Commons chamber.

Should have used a digital camera then-but don’t forget---you know the rest....

  

Up a bit to non Lancashire

A large-scale clean-up operation was under way after a tanker carrying more than 20 tonnes of yeast extract - believed to be Marmite - overturned on a busy motorway.

Police shut a section of the M1 in South Yorkshire at around 10.15pm last night following the incident, which saw the vehicle crash and spill its contents onto the carriageway.

Love it, wonder how they knew it was Marmite....

 

Over to the long warm bit of the non Marmite world

A group of men who were forced to pay for entry to a Playboy party in Los Angeles while women were admitted for free is suing the company, claiming sex discrimination.

According to the suit, men were charged $1,000 for admission to the "Leather Meets Lace" party at the Playboy mansion, while women were ushered in free of charge, TMZ reported.

The entry policy "promotes harmful, negative stereotypes," the suit alleges.

Damn, I missed that one....

 

East a lot to the sub continent

The Cow Protection Department of the Rashtriya Swayamsevak Sangh (RSS) is working on a soft drink made out of cow urine.

According to the RSS, cow urine can be used to treat a variety of ailments, such as liver disease and cancer. In fact, Prakash feels that despite the enormous advertising budgets of popular soft drinks Coca-Cola and Pepsi, his cow urine concoction will be able to hold its own due to being “good for mankind.”

Known in Sanskrit as “gau jal,” which means “cow water,” the soft drink should be available for human consumption by the end of the year. According to Om Prakash, the head of the department in charge of political cow piss, the drink will actually be “tasty.”

Bull shit....

 

Back over to the land of the chef and the home of cooking on gas

Just after 8:15 p.m. fire crews were called to an apartment building in the 300 block of Northwest Fifth Avenue in the heart of Old Town Portland Oregon.

A woman was cooking tofu and had rinsed out the pan with water when there was explosion. The blast was so powerful that it blew a 4 by 6 window out of the building and onto the street.

"When they arrived they found a woman sitting outside crying," Corah said. "She said there'd been an explosion and she was upset. She had a slight burn on her left hand, but was otherwise not hurt."

Another reason not to wash up....

And finally:

East to the place where the Japanese live

Toyota has unveiled the 'Fun-Vii', a futuristic interactive concept car that features a touch-screen door.

The experimental Fun-Vii - which stands for Fun - vehicle, interactive, internet - was being shown to the public for the first time ahead of the Tokyo Motor Show which opens this weekend.

Designed to show off how the strides being made in technology, the concept car works like a personal computer device, recognising and greeting its driver and allowing them to connect on the move, either with a tap of a touch-panel door, or through an in-car interface.

Bloody great; how the hell will I get that in the study when it goes tits up?

 

That’s it: I’m orf to Stonehenge to search for pits.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Pipped at the post: You pays your money: Washington water feature: Cut to build: Mobile rabbit: Bad advice: Adventurous Aussies’: and Time to tell.

More than cold at the Castle this morn, white crusty stuff all over the Honda as well as on the inside, the study is rapidly filling up with extinct enumerators and the butler is out gathering fat teenagers for the furnace.

I watched the final Grand Prix of the season on BBC1 yesterday, because of the cuts next year Auntie will only be showing ten of the twenty races live-the other ten will be “highlights”, but they have managed to “save” enough dosh to continue to pay ‘celebs’ to dance around at our expense.

For certain readers-Pippa Middleton has signed a six-figure publishing deal worth £400,000 to write a guide to party planning, which will be released in time for Christmas next year.

The book will be a guide to being the perfect party hostess. It will include recipes, anecdotes and details of how to throw a range of different types of event.

 Can’t wait....

Dying to get into hospital?

Click on the link above to find out if you will be dying to get out again....

Over in the Eastern states

Apparently “our” man in Washington “Sir” Nigel Sheinwald has splashed out £2,644 on a fire place and water feature to spruce up his office.

As a man who was brought in to preside over a new period of austerity, Sir Nigel raised eyebrows within the diplomatic world with his sumptuous office. “It looks like a James Bond villain’s lair,” whispers one. “It had to be refurbished in the final days of his predecessor, Sir David Manning, causing him great inconvenience.”

It remains to be seen whether Sir Nigel’s successor will retain the chauffeur-driven Rolls-Royce, with its white leather seats and built-in passenger television sets, as his official car.

All together now....”we are all in this together”...

Back in bollixed up Blighty

Son of a B....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I can count the number of cock ups on all three hands) Osborne is expected to announce another £5bn in spending cuts to pay for new building projects.

Badfart Snufflebum as he known among the rest of the extraterrestrial sideboard is to set out plans for a £30bn national infrastructure programme as he tries to breathe new life into the stalled economy.

A deal struck with pension funds will see £20bn invested in the decade-long programme, with the remaining cash coming from further spending cuts.

The first £5bn will come from spending cuts during the current spending period - up until the financial year 2014-2015.

A further £5bn will then come from spending cuts in the following spending period.

Schools, roads, power stations and high speed broadband will be some of the areas to receive a boost.

 There go even more of our pension funds....

Back over to the mild West

Lakeysha Beard, talked for more than half a day while on an Amtrak train going from Oakland, California, to Salem, Oregon. The loud mobile conversation lasted sixteen hours last Monday, after which police stopped the train for twenty minutes to arrest the woman.

In the train's car, a few passengers asked the woman to put the phone away or to stop a few times during the conversation prior to notifying the train staff. Staff members were unable to convince the woman to end the conversation and stopped the train to arrest the woman and halt the disruption.

 I just want to know which mobile has sixteen hours talk time....

And the newest member of the Royal Family

Is allegedly taking beauty tips from her stepmother-in-law, Duckess Kate has been receiving treatments from Deborah Mitchell after Duckess Camilla, the old nag wife of Prince Charles, recommended the beautician's bee sting facial.

Apparently Deborah has been treating Camilla for six years now. Like any customer who finds something good, Camilla has told her friends and in-laws, including Kate. Now she visits the Royal Family wherever they are in residence.

Which explains quite a lot....

Dahn Unda

Traditional beer sales are dropping as Australians are tempted not only by wine but by an increasingly varied range of other alcoholic drinks like trendy ciders and locally brewed ales.

Beer consumption per head has now slumped to a 60 year low according to recent figures released by the Australian Bureau of Statistics.

It was the Foster's TV ads of the 1980's featuring actor Paul Hogan as the stereotypical Aussie bloke, which helped plant the image of Australian men being huge fans of the "amber nectar".

However even that iconic Australian brewer has hit on tough times and Foster's now looks set to be sold to a London based company, SABMiller.

Do I give a XXXX...

And finally: 

As time moves on

Did you know?

As far as we know, time began with the formation of the universe in the instant of the Big Bang 13.7 billion years ago.

 Our Sun is about five billion years old. The Earth is estimated to be 4,540,000,000 years old.

Earth was created on the evening of Saturday, October 22, 4004BC, according to James Usher the 17th Century Archbishop of Armagh who came to this conclusion by adding up the family histories mentioned in the Bible - such as Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel.

The oldest rocks yet discovered on Earth are crystals of zircon from Western Australia, which are more than 4.4 billion years old.

Between 1929 and 1940 the Soviet Union changed the length of the week t h re e times. In 1930 Stalin abolished weekends to fulfil work quotas. In 1931 it went to a six-day week and back to a seven-day week in 1940.

In the International Fixed Calendar, invented by Englishman Moses Bruine Cotworth in 1859, there are 13 months - with the extra month called Sol.

In 1836 John Belville began to sell time. He set his pocket watch at the Greenwich Observatory where he worked every morning and would sell the precise time to clients in the City. The family business went on until 1940.

Mice normally live to a maximum of three years of age, chickens to 10, cats to 21, horses to 40, goldfish to 49, elephants to 70, giant tortoises to 150 and whales to 200.

 A nanosecond is one billionth of a second... a long time compared to the femtosecond, the attosecond and the shortest possible unit of time - known as Planck time.

 The Julian calendar assumed a year is exactly 365.25 days - about 10 and three quarter minutes too long. By 1582, it was 10 days out of sync, so Pope Gregory XIII decreed that 10 days should be lost to put things right.

 Rock beneath Niagara Falls is worn away at a rate of about a metre a year by the flow of water from Lake Erie 165ft above.

 When the railways first reached Bristol trains seemed to leave 11 minutes early. The problem was the drivers had come from London, 200 miles west, where sunrise is 11 minutes earlier. The only sensible solution, applied in 1940, was for all UK trains to use London time or "railway time".

Beans, peas and tomatoes are said to grow best if planted in the second week after the new moon.

Count the seconds between seeing a flash and hearing thunder. Three seconds' delay means the lightning strike is 0.6 miles away.

Hummingbirds beat their wings 90 times a second when they are hovering. Flies can beat theirs more than 1,000 times a second.

Legend says the first Roman calendar came from Romulus, who was raised by wolves with twin brother Remus and founded Rome in 735BC. He was keen on the number 10, so his years had only 10 months.

At Julius Caesar's command in 46BC two new months were introduced - July named after him and August after his successor Augustus. This Julian calendar also had leap years.

Easter is the first Sunday after the first full moon after the spring equinox.

If Earths history were compressed into 24 hours then the first humans would appear just 40 seconds before midnight.

Bristlecone pines are the oldest single organisms on Earth. Some have lived more than 5,000 years.

Info from The Book of Time, published by Mitchell Beazley, £20, www.octopusbooks.co.uk

That’s it: I’m orf to the Robot Olympiad.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Not even a plan A (part Deux): Oftwat: Dopey’s missus aims at Brighton: Frosty parade: Septic loo paper: Yeti isn’t: and a Folding pussy.

Cold and clammy with vast amounts of high velocity atmospheric movement at the castle this morn, the study has a couple of Macs awaiting a blow through and his Maj has discovered how to open doors by hanging on the handles.

I see that son of a B...aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (I failed my O level maths) Osborne is thinking about using £10 billion of our money to underwrite loans to small businesses.

Under the "credit easing" scheme, aimed at boosting growth, the government would underwrite banks' borrowing so they could borrow more cheaply.

I may not be very bright but isn’t “growth” so piss poor because the electorate doesn’t have any money to spend, thus we are buying less which leads to manufacturing decreases, which leads to more unemployment which leads to even more of us having less money to spend, which leads to....

Solution: we need more money-reduce VAT and go juice tax, ban above inflation rises by “energy” suppliers and transport movers then we could begin to spend again and maybe despite the Piss Poor policies Millionaires Club Coalition’s efforts to totally balls up Blighty the economy might begin to recover.

But then again, I may not be very bright.

 And talking of rip orf “providers”

Household water bills will rise by up to 10 per cent next spring, heaping further misery on consumers and adding as much as £60 to annual bills.

The price rises will further dent families’ disposable incomes, which are already depleted by rising petrol, heating and food prices.

Household water and sewage prices are fixed every April by the UK’s 22 water companies. The utility firms base their prices each spring on the previous November’s RPI inflation figure, meaning that next year’s bills will increase by the current rate of inflation, which is running at a near-record high of over 5 per cent. This alone will add £20 to the average household water bill of £356.

However on top of the inflation-based increase, industry regulator Oftwat allows water companies to raise prices by an additional amount each year.

These above-inflation allowances, which are pre-arranged by Oftwat every five years, will push many bills up significantly further.

For example Thames Water, which provides water to 9 million people in London and the Thames Valley, is allowed by the regulator to raise next year’s prices by 4.6 per cent above inflation. This means that a typical water and sewage bill in London could rise by £30 to £350 in total.

Of the UK’s 22 water companies, just six have been set targets by Oftwat to reduce their prices after inflation next year.

 Point made.... 

Meanwhile: 

House of Commons speaker Bercow’s bride

Wants to be an MP; Dopey’s better half marked her birthday last week by declaring she is ready to throw her "hat into the ring" to become a Labour MP. But, after confiding she didn't fancy all the "slogging around" looking for a seat, she has hopes of winning back a marginal for Labour.

Apparently "Brighton could be one, because I don't think they are into identikit politicians," she told The Argus newspaper in the city. "I know Brighton very well. I was brought up in West Sussex, and I love Brighton to bits."

Nice to see that bed sheet Sally is fully committed....

More than a smidge over to the left

A man in a "Frosty the Snowman" costume was arrested Saturday during the annual Christmas parade in Chestertown, on Maryland’s Eastern Shore. He’s accused of scuffling with police and kicking at a police dog.

Sgt. John A. Dolgos tells The Star Democrat of Easton that 52-year-old Kevin Michael Walsh became agitated when a dog-handling officer tried to escort him away from the crowd.

Bit of a frosty reception then...

And further down the Americas

Federal prosecutors in Florida say at least three people working for a septic tank company duped customers into buying about $1 million in unnecessary products -- in some cases enough toilet paper to last more than 70 years.

More than a dozen customers were told they needed special toilet paper to avoid ruining their septic tanks because the federal government changed regulations on toilet paper. The federal government does not regulate septic tank products.

The trio pleaded guilty in federal court to conspiring to commit wire fraud.

The Miami Herald reported that they worked for FBK Products. A phone number for the Riviera Beach-based company was not working Saturday.

The trio faces up to two decades in prison when they are sentenced in February.

Hope the toilet paper in jail is soft.....

Right a lot to the other side of the non-existent iron curtain

Last month a group of international scientists made headlines last month after suggesting they were "95 percent" certain they'd found evidence that the elusive Yeti -- or fabled Siberian Snowman -- really exists.

But one scientist who was part of the big snowman hunt tells The Huffington Post that local Siberian officials staged the entire snowman scenario -- all for publicity.

 Oh Yeti is....

And finally:

Back over to the land of the pet and the home of the vet

A rare breed of feline descended from a Perthshire barn cat has become the hottest new pet in Hollywood.

The Scottish Fold – distinctive because its folded down ears give it an appealing “owl-like” appearance – has become one of the most desired cat breeds in America, with celebrities including Kirsten Dunst, Mia Farrow and country music megastar Taylor Swift – who tweeted pictures of her new Scottish Fold kitten last week – shelling out thousands of dollars to get hold of one.

The exotic breed is descended from a white barn cat that lived on a farm near Coupar Angus in 1961, when its unusual folded-ear appearance, believed to be the result of a spontaneous genetic mutation, caught the eye of local shepherd William Ross. He asked for a kitten from the litter for breeding purposes and every Scottish Fold is believed to be descended from that one animal.

Scottish Folds cannot be bred with each other without causing severe genetic mutation, meaning it is common for a litter to contain only one cat with the true folded ear appearance. As a result they regularly change hands for up to £1,000. Prospective owners are often placed on waiting lists or even entered into lotteries for available kittens.

Nowt to do with me.....bless....

That’s it: I’m orf to check for fakes.

And today’s thought: 

Angus

Taxing jobs: GCHQ for sale: Horoscope Employer: Ghost tea-leaf: Pedestrian roller coaster: and Crimbo in Brighton.

Clear, cold and curmudgeonly at the Castle this morn, yestermorn something wondrous happened; the 48 day old mist lifted and the big bright yellow thing appeared in the endless blue thing, so Angus of the Dei and his Maj tentatively stepped into the garden and thirty seconds later five thousand midges descended for a feast-shortest bit of sunbathing ever.... 

The study is a vacuum for any sort of disassembled machines; the butler is frantically stuffing fat teenagers into the furnace and my ballcock needs replacing-again.

In receding Blighty

The deputy Prime Monster reckons that the £1 billion plan to tackle high youth unemployment will apparently be paid for by taxes on "people with the broadest shoulders".

Speaking on BBC Radio 4's Today programme, Mr Clegg would not specify where the money would come from to pay for the plan, which will cost £1 billion over three years.

But he said: "We will do everything we can to make sure the poorest are protected. We will not balance the books of this country on the backs of the poorest".

Liar, liar wallets on fire....

And:  

Apparently GCHQ is to explore commercial applications for their top secret expertise in a move designed to help the country fight off cyber attacks.

The move is part of the government’s new “cyber security strategy” which is seeking to make better use of the expertise at the Cheltenham listening centre.

The strategy says that GCHQ is “home to world-class expertise in cyber security” and it wants that to be used to support the private sector “without compromising the agency's core security and intelligence mission.”

The agency has agreed for the first time to “work with private sector partners to explore the potential commercial applications for GCHQ's unique expertise.”

It will also explore “strategic vehicles” for bringing together industry, academia and government to exploit the latest innovations in cyber security.

A major new development could see GCHQ developing a venture capital “model” to help fund innovation in cyber security in small and medium-sized enterprises, based on a model developed by the CIA.

Oh well if America does it then we have no problems-look at how well the toxic mortgage thing went... 

East more imperial units than I can count

According to the job posting of a Chinese employer long-haired freaky people need not apply for jobs, and Scorpios or Virgos aren't wanted either.

The unusual job ad was posted at a university in Wuhan for an unidentified English-language training firm.

"We don't want Scorpios or Virgos, and Capricorns," the job posting says, according to the newspaper.

A woman at the company said she's found Scorpios and Virgos to be feisty and critical.

Virgo’s feisty and critical-never-I’m a Virgo....

Keep going East even more

A former police officer accused of theft in the US stunned a court when he blamed a ghost in his basement.

Joseph Hughes, from Mount Gilead, Ohio, faced 21 charges against him, including stealing 12 air conditioning units, a 6,000 watt generator and a welder.

All are believed to have been taken from the Morrow County sheriff's office - one air conditioner was even labelled 'auditor' in thick black marker.

But after the stolen articles were found in Hughes's basement, he gave a paranormal defence for why he didn't know they were there.

"It's going to sound kind of ridiculous, but we believed that there was some kind of paranormal presence in the basement," Hughes said in court.

Ghosts that install air conditioners and weld things-no wonder the job market is so bad....

Back in what’s left of Europe

Designed by Hamburg-based designer duo Heike Mutter and Ulrich Genth, the walkable roller-coaster titled Tiger & Turtle - Magic Mountain is 45 meters high and consists of 249 steps. Visitors can climb on the curved sculpture and walk around, and take in the surrounding views from the spiral walkways in their own pace.

The structure is located on top of a mining waste tip at the Heinrich-Hildebrand-Height in the Angerpark, overlooking the Rhine in Duisburg, Germany.

About 120 tons of galvanised steel were used to make the sculpture which is supported by 17 posts. At night LED lights illuminate the handrails.  

Sort of defeats the object, and how do you get round the loop....

And finally: 

Dahn by the sea in Blighty

Brighton woman Fiona Turton is renting out her stable for £12 a night during December - complete with straw bed, manger and resident donkey - in an effort to get Brits to rediscover the magic of Christmas.

With the proceeds of the venture going to Leukaemia and Lymphoma Research, the modern version of the birthplace of Jesus Christ features mood lighting, electricity, heating and an ornamental fireplace and bookcase.

In addition to a straw bed for two, a manger and resident donkey, the little Bethlehem - located 2,300 miles away from the real deal on an organic farm in the South Downs - comes complete with tea-making facilities and an armchair.

Shepherd costumes, bath towels and WiFi are available at an additional cost, but traditional yuletide lessons are free of charge.

Think I’ll stay in the Castle this Crimbo.

That’s it: I’m orf to suss out somewhere to retire to.

And today’s thought:

 Angus

Not even a plan A: Driving up the costs: Suicidal turkey: Naked brain power: Dick ring and other Numptys: and Unsafe sex.

No mist at the Castle this morn, instead we have sky water-lots of it, the study is empty of damaged do-hickys, the garden is in need of a good hoovering to remove all the leaves, the elbow is almost fixed and his Maj is still bringing me worms.

After what seems like a decade since its inception

Next week on the same day that the “Chancellor”, son of a B....aronet  George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne, delivers his Autumn Statement on the economy the independent Office for Budget Responsibility is expected to downgrade its previous prediction that public sector job cuts will be outweighed by a significant expansion in the private sector.

Treasury analysis of forecasts by City experts shows that the number claiming jobseeker's allowance is set to rise from 1.6 million to 1.76 million by 2013 – an increase of 160,000.

So far our beloved “chancellor” has managed to increase borrowing, increase inflation and increase the number of unemployed.

The members of the unelected Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition are a bunch of useless, arrogant, inept, Wankers who couldn’t organise an erection in a pole dancing club....

And:

According to “a study”

The cost of owning a car has risen by more than £800 a year over the past 12 months. Drivers have been hit by soaring fuel prices, a rapid rise in the cost of insurance, higher garage fees and the fall in cars’ resale value.

As a result motorists are now paying 14 per cent more than they did a year ago to run their cars; the increase is nearly three times the rate of inflation.

The figures, produced by the RAC and based on 17 different new cars, show that the average driver is paying £6,689 a year in motoring costs, compared with £5,870 in 2010.

According to the RAC pump prices rose by 12.4 per cent last year, adding £160 to the average driver’s fuel bill.

Insurance has gone up by 14.38 per cent with the average premium reaching £551. Drivers have found themselves footing the bill for rising personal injury class, insurance fraud and accidents caused by uninsured drivers.

Oh dear.....

Over in Pennsylvania on Thanksgiving Day

A wild turkey smashed through a plate glass window at an empty western Pennsylvania restaurant and ended up where millions of its fellow gobblers did-on a table.

Penn Hills police Officer Bernard Sestili told the WTAE-TV the feathered fowl didn't survive impact when it barrelled into the dining room of the Eat'n Park in Penn Hills on Thursday afternoon. The restaurant was closed at the time.

Sestili says he responded when the building's alarm went off.

He suspects the turkey may have been roosting in a nearby tree when it "got up this morning and went for his morning flight and flew into the window."

Stuffed Turkey...

Back over to the cold bit of ex-Europe

According to “scientists” looking at naked bodies boosts brain power.

Scientists in Finland said gazing at nudes activates response regions of the brain and gives it a tune-up.

They said someone looking at a picture of a naked or scantily-clad person processed the image in less than 0.2 seconds, much quicker than the time the brain takes to process a fully-clothed person and kick-starts the mind.

Participants were shown pictures of men and women either wearing everyday clothes or nude. Males’ brain responses were stronger to nude female than nude male bodies, whereas the female participants’ brain responses were not affected by the sex of the bodies.

No shit.....mind you it does depend on the nude.....

Left a bit to the Smoke

A man who turned up at hospital with a ring stuck on his penis had to be cut free by 10 fire-fighters, according to data released today.

It took fire-fighters 20 minutes to remove the ring after staff at Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Woolwich, were unable to prise it from the man's genitals.

Two fire engines were dispatched to perform the delicate procedure, which took place on the evening of May 1.

There were three incidents in one year in which fire-fighters were called to remove a ring stuck on a penis, it was revealed in London Fire Brigade statistics covering April 2010 to May 2011.

The disclosure is one of 417 incidents attended by London's fire-fighters over the last year involving people stuck in objects, machinery and furniture not including road traffic accidents.

The calamities included a man who became stuck in a child's toy car in Kingston-upon-Thames; a youth wedged in an ironing board in Bromley; a person with their fingers stuck in a DVD player in Barking; several children with toilet seats and potties stuck on their heads; and 36 people trapped in handcuffs.

The removal of rings from fingers accounted for 160 incidents, while 74 people had "other" objects removed. 133 people had become trapped in or under machinery or other objects, and 14 people were impaled.

Ah-the good old British eccentric....

 And finally: 

Over to the warm bit of ex-Europe

A naked woman was left dangling over the edge of a banister after she tumbled over the handrail while having sex with her husband.

The 49-year-old, who has not been named, was on holiday in Tenerife at the time of the incident and tumbled while having sex with her partner in a hotel stairwell.

She dropped several feet and was only saved from hitting the marble floor below as her ankle was trapped between two bars.

Her husband contacted the emergency services and firemen freed the red-faced holidaymaker.

She was taken to hospital where she was diagnosed with a broken ankle, and to add to the embarrassment, the sirens on the ambulance weren't working so she had to be given a police escort.

A police spokesman told the Daily Mail: 'Her good luck was that getting her leg caught stopped her from falling. Her bad luck was that she broke her ankle, was naked and couldn't get free.'

He added that while the couple do not face any police charges, they have been warned to think about safe sex in the future.

Daft mare-should know better at her age....

That’s it: I’m orf to investigate composites. 

And today’s thought:

Angus

Eco Con-servative: Up your pension: Pecan pilferers: Ferrari under the table: Hunky Dorys: and Lip service.

Day 47 of misty, murky and miserable at the Castle this morn, and just to add to our pleasure it is muggy as well.

The study is less than half full of wonky wheelbarrows, his Maj is still bringing me worms and the bruise on the elbow has reduced to the size of the Isle of Wight and has almost stopped hurting.

Just got back from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run at Tesco-don’t tell anyone but they have His Maj’s Dreamies at £1 per pack.....

Chris (no nuclear/yes nuclear) Huhne

Reckons that although rising gas prices are set to push up costs for consumers, energy saving policies will help to save £94 on household bills by 2020,

The “Climate change Secretary” insisted the Government was meeting energy demand at the lowest cost possible by insulating homes and steering away from a dependence on fossil fuels. While the Government could not control rising world gas prices, it could "soften the blow", he told Parliament, with policies that would overall deliver a saving of 7 per cent on bills. 

Bollocks-I want to live on the same planet as him...

And as we watch our pensions quickly sink into the brown runny stuff

According to Unite son of a B...aronet “Chancellor” George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne would need to work for just 18 months to win the typical public sector pension of £5,600 in retirement.

Looking at the government negotiating team, Unite found an average public sector worker would need to work for three working lifetimes to earn Francis Maude's pension and two for Danny Alexander's pension.

The calculations are based on ministers' pension pots if they were to retire at the end of the current term of office in 2015.

 

But remember-(all together now)—‘we are all in this together’

Over in the land of the free and the home of the allergy

Hired by farmers as a private security guard, Brooks Rucker patrols thousands of acres of Georgia farmland on the lookout for thieves toting 5-gallon buckets.

He rarely comes up empty handed. Since the fall harvest began Oct. 1, Rucker says, he and two other guards have caught more than 160 culprits in the act. Some they let go. Others get handed over to police. Either way, he's recovered thousands of dollars' worth of stolen goods: mounds of pecans snatched from his employers' trees.

"It's an all-day hassle trying to keep these folks out," said Rucker. "You'll pull into a pecan grove and they'll have a 10-foot extension ladder trying to shake the pecans loose with poles. It's bad."

Prices have soared as China has developed an insatiable appetite for pecans, while withering drought in the southern U.S. has limited supplies.

In Georgia, the nation's top pecan producer, farmers and authorities say criminals can earn a tidy profit by stealing the nuts -- worth $1.50 or more per pound in smaller quantities.

Bloody China.....

East to the Isle where Napoleon once resided

A French furniture designer created a conversation piece - by encasing the wreck of a Ferrari supercar in a coffee table.

Charly Molinelli, from Corsica, was approached by a customer who wanted a talking point for her living room.

Knowing his client was a motor sports fan, he approached a friend who worked at a scrap yard that was crushing a Ferrari F40.

The finished work took two months, with Mr Molinelli using other recycled materials to complete it.

Hope he followed all the Elfandsafety rules....

West a bit and a bit more

A raunchy ad campaign featuring busty women battling it out on a GAA pitch in skimpy undies has been kicked into touch by the advertising watchdog.

Crisp firm Hunky Dorys has been skinned by the Advertising Standards Authority of Ireland for launching its sexy GAA theme just a year after it branded similar rugby ads “sexist and exploitative”.

And it accused the firm of deliberately creating the ads – featuring models in low-cropped tops and brief shorts – knowing it would get free publicity.

The SAI took action after receiving 82 complaints from people and groups who thought they were offensive, degrading and sexist towards women.

All is not hunky dory then....

And finally:

East a touch

A beauty addict has blown £4,000 on plumping jabs to have the biggest lips in the world – but says her pout is still “too small”.

Kristina Rei, 22, believed her “thin” lips made her ugly and aspired to look like cartoon character Jessica Rabbit.

In her pursuit of the perfect pout, the nail technician has had 100 silicone injections, at a cost of £40 each, but claims she still wants more.

Kristina said: “I think I look fantastic and it makes me happy.

Kristina, who is single and has never had a boyfriend, had her first injection at 17 after being bullied about her looks at school.

Prefer the “before”.                                                  

That’s it: I’m orf to change my diet.

And today’s thought:

Angus