VIP Olympics: In-out Royal Mail: Jobs for the crims: Zom-bees: Old suit: Useless museum: and Hybrid jaws.

Cold, clear and crisp at the Castle this morn, the study is bristling with broken bodge-ups and his Maj has discovered the wonder of the toilet bowl.

It seems that:

While spectators are being urged to abandon their cars and embrace public transport

The four ring knobhead have ordered 4,000 brand new BMWs to escort dignitaries and officials to events.

The fleet of the German cars will include more than 3,000 BMW 3 and 5 Series saloons, which will be permitted to beat the traffic by using especially reserved games lanes across the capital.

The vehicles will be shipped into Britain from BMW’s factories over the next six months.

At least 250 VIPs are expected to be designated their own BMW, exclusively for their use during the games, complete with a personal chauffeur.

Several thousand other member of the so-called Olympic family, including officials, sponsors, dignitaries and athletes will share the remaining cars, worth up to £30,000 each.

Do BMW make cycles?

And; allegedly some postman plonkers have been faking ‘SORRY YOU WERE OUT’ CARDS’

Many customers claimed postmen had not even rung the doorbell before leaving the cards – called P739 forms – to speed up their postal rounds and make the job easier.

Last year 32,000 people complained to Royal Mail about being left a form when they were in – a 14 per cent rise since 2009.

Between June and September last year alone, 8,500 protested to the Royal Mail about it – a 37 per cent increase on the same period in 2009.

A spokesman for postal watchdog Consumer Focus said: “We know these cards are a particular bugbear for consumers and we understand the frustration felt by many when one is pushed through the door when they are actually inside the house.

Make that “many” plus one...

And: Old fart Ken Clarke

Has come up with a “cunning plan” to stop prisoners lying in their cells watching TV, he is going to give them jobs.

Our Ken has just announced tough plans to double the number of inmates working full-time because they are ­currently a “wasted resource”.

Welding, plastering, motor mechanics and printing will be among the jobs they will have to do.

About 10,000 prisoners work a full week at present but this will rise to 20,000 under the new scheme. That represents about one in four inmates in England and Wales.

Every prisoner at HMP Featherstone in Wolverhampton – one of a number of jails tying out the idea – is in full-time employment and gets paid up to £17 a week.

Ninety per cent of their work is making things like beds and ­cabinets for the prison but the jail is trying to attract more ­private firms to get involved. Training in construction, literacy and mechanics is also given.

Once released, almost six in 10 of them – about 50 per cent higher than the national average – go on to find a job or take part in ­further training or education.

There is no way I would encourage young unemployed people to commit a crime just to learn a trade, and all in all it is probably a good idea-except for the ‘printing’ bit.

All around my hat

Apparently Honey bees are abandoning their hives and being turned into “zombies” by a deadly fly parasite in their stomachs.

The parasite makes the bees flee their hives and then walk round and round in circles before dying. It also makes them seek out bright lights.

The parasite lays its’ eggs inside the abdomen of the honey bee. About a week after the bee dies, the pupae emerge from the throats and heads of the dead bees.

Scientists discovered the parasite by accident but they believe it may help them discover what is causing colony collapse disorder which is devastating honey bees in Europe and America cutting some populations in half.

Biology professor John Hafernik, of San Francisco State University, discovered the parasite when collecting bees. Researchers found that after being invaded by the parasite, the bees abandon their hives in what is literally a flight of the living dead to congregate near lights.




That’s put me right orf honey....

Over to the land of the stiff and the home of the aged

An age suit has been developed at MIT which allows the people wearing it to live life as an aged person.

The MIT AgeLab is a part of the Engineering Systems Division, and works on improving the way services are delivered and products are designed for the elderly. The recent creation of the AgeLab is AGNES (Age Gain Now Empathy System), a suit designed to provide an experience of the flexibility, dexterity, strength, motor and visual skills of a person in their mid-70s. AGNES comes at a highly relevant time, when the population of people over 65 years of age has been rapidly on the rise. It is expected to hit 72.1 million by the year 2030. This increases the design challenges faced by engineers and designers to create products that cater to the older demographic.

So put on the suit, and you will know exactly what it feels like to be a 75-year-old. Various bands and gadgets are fitted to the suit to mimic joint stiffness, curved spine, limited movement and more. A helmet worn along with the suit restricts vision and ear plugs provide a loss of hearing. Researches make use of the suit by wearing them and going out to grocery stores to shop for products used by the elderly.



That’s something to look forward to……

Right a lot to where it isn’t Germany 

 An unsuccessful Austrian inventor has won a £400,000 government grant to set up a museum of failed inventions.

Fritz Gall dreamed up the idea of a museum dedicated to the flops and disasters created by other would-be entrepreneurs.

Now - thanks to the grant - he and partner Friedl Umscheid have opened the Museum of Nonsense in Herrnbaumgarten, Austria.

The museum prides itself on utterly useless creations like the 'portable anonymyser' - a piece of black card on a stick so people who don't want to be in the public eye can black out their own eyes.

Or there are the pencils with no lead for cautious civil servants , a padded rolling pin to meet even the toughest health and safety standards and a fully transportable hat stand.

Other batty brainwaves include a bristle less toothbrush for people with no teeth, and a fits-anyone jumper with sleeves in various lengths.

The museum will move to a new expanded home later this year so it can cope with the thousands of visitors who now flock to it every month.

"We have government funding and some private backing and we hope the people out there like nonsense just as much as we do," he added.

My favourite is the portable hole-rectum?...nearly bloody did...

And finally:

Dahn Unda

Scientists have found the world's first hybrid sharks in Australian waters.

Leading researchers in marine biology discovered 57 animals along a 2000 km stretch from Queensland to NSW.
The predators are a cross between the common blacktip shark and Australian blacktip shark, two related but genetically distinct species.

The scientists say interbreeding between the two shark species is a sign the animals are adapting to climate change.

They also warn that hybridisation could make the sharks stronger.

Dr Jess Morgan, a researcher at the University of Queensland researcher, told The Australian that it was unusual for sharks to breed in this way.

"Sharks physically mate, which is usually a good way to make sure you don't hybridize with the wrong species," she said.

Colin Simpfendorfer, of James Cook University's Fishing and Fisheries Research Centre, said: "The results of this research show that we still have a lot to learn about these important ocean predators."

Think I’d rather stay ignorant...

That’s it: I’m orf to copy Vinnie

And today’s thought:

Angus

The end of excess: Banger tax: The end of men: Dessert Numpty: Pussy on a leash: and ET floats home.

Gale is howling and Dawn’s crack is nowhere to be seen at the Castle this morn, the sky water is moving horizontally across the vista and his Maj has discovered the joy of shoving his nose into my ear and purring to wake me up.

And as Blighty returns to "normal" after what seems like two weeks of "celebration".

Allegedly U-Turn Cam and the rest of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Sideboard

Is going to “tackle excess in the City”, with the same energy that it is clamping down on benefits cheats, and bring down the deficit this twenty eleven plus one.

Our beloved Prime Monster is going to be “bold, confident and decisive” about the future.

Knob head Dave is pinning his hopes on the Olympics and her Maj’s diamond jubilee to fill in the black hole that his Piss Poor Policies have created.

Meanwhile more than five hundred health workers have been vaccinated against smallpox enabling them to deal with a biological terror attack at this year’s Olympics.

And our barmy “justice” system has decided that a trainee accountant from Bangladesh who came to Britain to study has been granted permission to remain in the country after successfully claiming that he had made friends and played cricket on Sundays.

While the Home Office turned down Abdullah Munawar’s initial bid to stay on in the UK after graduating, the courts overturned the decision and ruled that he could continue to enjoy a “private life” in this country under Article 8 of the European Convention of Human Rights.

And just to cap it all; hundreds of thousands of elderly people are being robbed of their dignity by England’s failing social care services and left at risk of “terrible abuse and neglect”, U-Turn Cam has been warned.

Thousands are forced to sell their homes and use up their savings to pay rising care bills each year, while businesses are losing experienced staff who are forced to quit to look after their relatives.

In a letter published in The Daily Telegraph on Tuesday, the experts say that a lack of “political leadership” must not be allowed to condemn 800,000 frail pensioners to a life of loneliness any longer.

 

Oh to be in England now that aliens rule...

And to help bring down the deficit

Large vans and minibuses which are more than 10 years old are facing a new charge of £100 a day in Greater London, if they fail to meet pollution limits.

It is the first time the vehicles have fallen under the Low Emission Zone, which covers most roads inside the M25.

From today tougher restrictions will also mean £200 daily fees for Lorries, buses and coaches which fall short of European Union standards on pollution.

Also among the new regulations is a ban on black cabs which were produced more than 15 years ago.

This means about 2,600 vehicles, or 10% of the total fleet, will become unlawful as their licence plates expire.

And a "no-idling" campaign will be launched this month, to encourage all drivers to turn off their engines if stationary.

No more driving to the Smoke for me then....

Over in the rich bit of the Eurozone

Scientists have made a major breakthrough that could soon see human sperm grown in the laboratory.

The development opens up the possibility of infertile men being able to father their own children rather than using donor sperm.

Researchers in Germany and Israel were able to grow mouse sperm from a few cells in a laboratory dish.

In a world first a team headed by Professor Stefan Schlatt, at Muenster University in Germany, were able to grow sperm by using germ cells. These are the cells in testicles that are responsible for sperm production.

Scientists grew the sperm by surrounding the germ cells in a special compound called agar jelly to create an environment similar to that found in testicles.

Prof. Mahmoud Huleihel, who also grew the sperm at Israel's Ben Gurion University in Beersheba, said: "I believe it will eventually be possible to routinely grow human male sperm to order by extracting tissue containing germ cells from a man's testicle and stimulating sperm production in the laboratory."

Nice, still as long as the Ladies can’t open pickle jars we are safe....ish.

Back in the smoke free Smoke

A  Numpty with far too much money has tucked into the world's most expensive dessert, which he bought for $33,500 to cheer himself up after he was dumped by his girlfriend.

Diamond merchant Carl Weininger, 60, splashed out on the extravagant pudding as a "pick-me-up" after she ended their three-year relationship.

The chocolate-laced pudding was styled like a Faberge egg and its list of ingredients included edible gold, champagne and caviar.

It contained a gold bracelet and spoon set and the cherry on top was a two-carat diamond.

Weininger took the pudding to the Aviators' Ball, at the Sofitel Hotel at London's Heathrow airport, where lucky guests sampled the luxury dessert.

Each mouthful cost about $1200 and the whole dessert took just 15 minutes to devour.

Cheap at half the price...

And all around the big round thing

How to train your pussy to go for a walk:

Whether your cat is exclusively indoors, or an indoor-outdoor variety, there are times you'll need to keep him confined with a leash. Even older cats can be trained, given patience.

Difficulty: Average

Time Required: Varies

Here's How:

1.Purchase a comfortably-fitting harness and lightweight leash with a secure clip. Do not use a collar, as the cat may be able to slip out of it. You want the leash to pull from the chest rather than the throat. The cats' Walking Jacket is a fine alternative to a harness, virtually escape free, and with the leash attached mid-back, for comfort.

2.Put the harness and leash somewhere near kitty's sleeping area and leave it there for several days to accustom him to its appearance and smell.

3.Wait until just before his normal mealtime, and then put the harness on the cat. You should be able to comfortably slip two fingers between the harness and his skin.

4.Immediately feed him his favourite meal and praise him when he is finished.

5.Let him wear the harness for awhile. If it seems to bother him, distract him by playing with a favourite toy.

6.When your cats seems to be accustomed to the harness, take it off.

7.Repeat steps 3 through 6 for several days, leaving the harness on longer each time.

8.Next, attach the leash to the harness and let kitty walk around the house, dragging the leash. Watch him carefully that he doesn't get tangled up around furniture.

9.Praise him for being such a good cat, and give him some loving hugs.

10.Repeat steps 8 and 9 for a few days, until the cat seems to accept the harness and leash.

11.Now, let him walk around as usual, but pick up the business end of the leash and follow him in his wanderings. Keep the tension slack, so as not to restrict his movement.

Practice step 11 for a few days.

12.Teach kitty to follow you by talking to him in a cajoling manner and lightly pulling on the lead. Don't fight him. Leash-training should be a pleasurable experience for the cat, not an adversarial one. On the other hand, if he tugs at the leash, simply stop until he relaxes, then move on.

13.You're ready to move outdoors now. Do it gradually, and take your first short excursions in your own back yard, or in a quiet area.

14.Gradually increase his exposure to the sights, sounds and smells of the outdoors. Soon, the two of you will be able to enter walkathons together.

Yeah right.

And finally: 

Dahn at the bottom of ‘Ampshire

Pensioner Margaret Wells, 76, is delighted to have been reunited with her beloved E.T. which was handcrafted by her daughter nine years ago.

It was stolen - along with a haul of jewellery and an iron - from Mrs Wells' home in Cosham, Hants, in September.

Police have now ensured the extra-terrestrial came home after it was spotted in the sea five miles away off Old Portsmouth, Hants.

A walker dialled 999 after spotting it floating near the shore last Thursday.

Police and coastguard attended the scene and quickly realised it was not a human, but the alien model.

Mrs Wells said: 'There's only one in the whole of England and that is mine. "The police rang and said somebody has found a body in the Solent and it belongs to you - it's E.T.'

"I always knew E.T. would come home.

And I thought he could fly....

That’s it: I’m orf to tickle a Gorilla

And today’s thought:

Angus

Cop that: Stocking up at Crimbo: Sick of travelling: Ride ‘em fat boy: and the Eden pasty.

Cold, wet, windy and more than wobbly at the Castle this morn, the furnace is firing nicely on fat teenagers and his Maj has discovered the joy of hiding in the washing machine and then attacking when I pass by.

I’m orf to Tesco on the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run when they finally open their doors, and after that a lot of cleaning of the upstairs-that should make it snow...

In brutalised Blighty

Apparently while the plod is out hiding behind anything large enough to disguise their nice warm BMW’s and Volvos, naughty persons are raiding the empty nicks.

Hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of equipment and personal belongings have been stolen from police stations across Britain, it has been revealed.

Thefts in the past five years include handcuffs, uniforms, speed guns, dogs, riot shields, and even patrol cars.

The list was revealed as a result of freedom of information requests by the Press Association.

Greater Manchester Police was the worst hit, with thieves taking a £10,000 patrol car and £30,000 private vehicle.

Among the more unusual stolen items were a small fridge from Dunstable, CCTV footage and a TV from West Oxfordshire, a packet of crumpets from Priory Road police station in Hull and a fern and plastic plant pot from Lancashire Police.

A £20 mannequin was stolen from Essex Police's kennels at Epping, a 20-pack of toilet rolls vanished from West Mercia, while at Pontefract police station, in West Yorkshire, a thief made off with a £48 tea float.

A terrier and a lurcher were taken from a police station in Blackburn in Lancashire and on Merseyside seized pit bulls were taken.

Amongst the low-value items were coffee worth £2.50 from Byker police station in Newcastle, a cap badge from an officer's hat in Widnes and a copy of an antiques guide worth £5 from Basildon in Essex.

Six pints of semi-skimmed milk were stolen from Cambridgeshire Police HQ in Huntington, and a £1 cereal bowl and empty lunchbox worth £3 from Hucknall police station in Nottinghamshire.

In Devon and Cornwall, items included a betting slip, bail sheet, unwritten parking ticket and a Peter Storm fleece jacket worth £60.

I’d check the boots of the nice warm BMWs and Volvos if I were in charge.

And over the New Year big wet salty thing on the left

It seems that the bestest Crimbo pressie is a gun.

According to the FBI, over 1.5 million background checks on customers were requested by gun dealers to the National Instant Criminal Background Check System in December. Nearly 500,000 of those were in the six days before Christmas.

On Dec 23 alone there were 102,222 background checks, making it the second busiest single day for buying guns in history.

The actual number of guns bought may have been even higher if individual customers took home more than one each.

Ah; the season of peace and goodwill, as long as you are armed....

In the skies over everywhere

Recent studies have shown how easily the infamous cruise ship bug, norovirus, can be transmitted on planes.

After a passenger puked on an Air New Zealand flight, crew members tidied up then clocked out after the plane landed. “Not only did the crew that cleaned up the mess get sick, but on every successive flight at least one or more crew members got sick with typical symptoms of norovirus.”  Said David Freedman, of the University of Alabama at Birmingham, at the recent meeting of the American Society of Tropical Medicine and Hygiene.

In fact, almost half of all crew members that worked the plane over the next five days picked up the virus. Planes aren’t scrubbed thoroughly between flights, and norovirus can linger on surfaces for days. But “in looking at the typical disinfectants that are used by airlines, none of the routine disinfectants would be considered effective against norovirus.”

So, when travelling, wash your hands often, keep your fingers and legs crossed, and keep a carrier bag to hand.

Back over to the land of the bow backed horse

In a sign of America's growing girth, dude ranches and hunting camps in the Northern Rockies are adding heavyweight horses and super-large saddles to seat swelling numbers of outsized clients.

With the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention reporting that a third of U.S. adults and 17 percent of children are obese, Western wranglers and outfitters say they are doing all they can to accommodate the widening of waistlines and other anatomical areas.

"To put it bluntly, we call them the big-butt saddles," said Lee Hart, owner of Broken Hart Ranch in Montana. The business near Yellowstone National Park seasonally provides trail rides and guided hunting by horseback to nearly 2,000 people from across the country.

Hart and others said the 18-plus-inch saddles they now stock were all but nonexistent 30 years ago, when just 15 percent of American adults were considered obese. At that time, a 16.5-inch saddle would have been considered ample enough for a stout rider.

Guest ranches and outfitting operations also are bulking up on riding stock crossbred with draft horses -- weighing in at roughly 1,500 pounds -- to fit their super-sized customers.

"We have to seat 400 fat people every summer," said B.J. Hill, co-owner of Swift Creek Outfitters and Teton Horseback Adventures in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

The operation has established a weight limit of 275 pounds for trail rides and pack trips in an effort to prevent injury to both horse and rider.

The extra-large animals and saddles come as other U.S. industries, including airlines and healthcare companies, have in recent years adopted policies or retrofitted equipment to address the rising ranks of plus-size people.

At least they are trying to get a bit of exercise....

 And finally: 

Dahn to the bottom bit of Blighty

Cooks from around the world will head to Cornwall in March for the first World Pasty Championships.

The event will be held at the Eden Project, St Austell, to celebrate the popular local delicacy, which was given protected status under EU law earlier in 2011.

The Cornish Pasty Association, which is backing the event, hopes people locally and across the world will take part.

It will be held on 3 March, the Saturday before St Piran's Day.

Families in Cornwall have passed down the recipe for a Cornish pasty through the generations.

Phil Ugalde of the Cornish Pasty Association said: "If you know anything about Cornwall, you know that pasty-making is a very emotive subject.

"People feel very proud of it - this was the original fast food."

Gaynor Coley, managing director of the Eden Project, said: "The pasty is one of the great icons of Cornwall and also one of its best exports, carried in the hands of all those hardy mining families who left this coast and who took their skills - and their favourite food - across the world."

Judges will be looking for the best Cornish pasty made to the traditional recipe.

 The Oxford English Dictionary suggests the pasty was first identified around 1300.

Yep. That’s the one I had last time I travelled on a chuff-chuff.

That’s it: I’m orf to deliver my mail.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Non white and non Christian Blighty: The middle aged old boys’ club: The million dollar Numpty: Taxi!: Blackpool bubbles: Buggy bread: and the PC crossing.

‘Tis warmish, wettish and not a jot wobbly at the Castle this first day of twenty eleven plus one, the study is bulging with busted ex adding machines and his Maj has discovered the joy of  stealing one of my slippers and hiding it whilst I am in the land of nod. 

I would like to wish all visitors, commenter’s and blogosphere friends a very, very happy and prosperous new 2012.........well you never know.

North of the border

There is allegedly a bit of a hoo hah at the Al-Maktoum College of Higher Education in Dundee, Professor Malory Nye, 47, claims he was dismissed from his job because its hierarchy viewed his race and religion as a threat to its Muslim values.

His wife Isabel Campbell-Nye, 42, alleges she was also forced out of her position as head of the college’s English language centre because she brought in too many students who were not Muslims or Arabs.

Or in other words white and Christian.

The independent college, which operates as a charity in partnership with the University of Aberdeen, advertises in its prospectus that “multiculturalism is at the centre of our vision and structure”.

According to a “spokesperson” “The Al-Maktoum College will vigorously defend its reputation as a centre of excellence within the higher education sector and the good name it has won over the last ten years here in Dundee, nationally and internationally.”

“Professor Nye was dismissed from his post as Principal at the College following a period of suspension on full pay and an inquiry conducted by the College Chancellor.”



Which way is East?



And:

U-Turn Cam is in the do-do yet again

By dishing out special privileges to 'his friends in the City' following the news that Mr Ruddock is to be knighted.

Shadow Cabinet Office minister Michael Dugher accused the Prime Monster of going back on his promise to 'clean up politics'.

Mr Ruddock is known for using a tactic described as 'short-selling' in the wake of Northern Rock's share price crash, after which it had to be saved by the taxpayer.

This involves allowing the price of stock to plummet before buying it back at a rock-bottom price.

Mr Ruddock's donations to the Conservatives – which total almost £500,000 – date back to 2001.

He has been handed a knighthood for services to the arts and philanthropy, on the back of his roles as chairman of the Victoria and Albert Museum in London and as a trustee of New York's Metropolitan Museum of Art.

 Meanwhile a Cabinet Office spokesman defended the decision to award Mr Ronson with the honour.

'If someone has served their time and gone on to do wonderful works, I don't think that prevents someone from receiving an honour,' he said.

Mr Ronson is also known for bringing self-service petrol stations to the UK and building the Heron Tower, the City of London's tallest structure.

Oh well; that’s alright then.......

Over the wet thing on the left where twenty eleven plus one occurred a few hours later

A Lexington man is accused trying to use a fake $1 million bill to pay for his purchases at a Wal-Mart.

Michael Anthony Fuller, 53, of 3 Parker St., walked into the Wal-Mart on Lowes Boulevard in Lexington on Nov. 17. He shopped for a while, picking up a vacuum cleaner, a microwave oven and other merchandise, totalling $476, an arrest warrant says.

When he got to the register, Fuller gave the cashier the phony bill, saying that it was real.

Store staff called police.

Fuller was later charged with attempting to obtain property by false pretence and uttering a forged instrument, both felonies, court records show.

The largest note ever printed was the $100,000 bill, which featured President Woodrow Wilson. The bills, which were not available to the public, were printed from Dec. 18, 1934, through Jan. 9, 1935, and were used for transactions between Federal Reserve banks.

Fuller was being held Friday night in the Davidson County Jail with bond set at $17,500. He is scheduled to appear in court Tuesday.

 

Sod it, does that mean my stack of sixty two pound notes is a bit dodgy then....

Back in beautiful Blighty

To the posh bit of the Smoke, a minicab complete with “driver” managed to lurch down a slope and land on top of a parked car in Hampstead, North London. No one was hurt.

Karel Asiyo, who owns the VW, said: “I normally park on the other side of the road – I wish I had this time.”



Still; at least she has a taxi to get about in while the insurance is sorted out....

And up a smidge and a bit

Blackpool residents have been left baffled by a mysterious foamy substance which has blown in from the sea, carpeting a number of roads.

The foam is piled several feet high in areas closest to the sea, making driving conditions particularly treacherous.

Locals have expressed worries that the phenomenon is caused by polluting detergents, and said it is forcing people to stay at home.

But environmental experts have allayed their fears and suggested the foam could be the result of waves churning decomposing algal matter.

An Environment Agency spokesperson said: 'We have taken samples of the foam as obviously if this is caused by any kind of polluting material, we need to know about it.

'Early samples are not showing any trace of detergent so we think it could be the combination of decomposing algal matter churned with the tide and the westerly wind which is causing the foam.

It is not the first time the area has been awash with the foam, which came in from the sea like a snow blizzard following recent winds of up to 90mph.

'We know it happens occasionally and can disappear again quite quickly so we will be looking further into what triggers it,' said the spokesperson.

I blame the Frackers.

Dahn Unda

Entomologist Skye Blackburn breeds edible bugs and sells them as novelty gifts.

The businesswoman puts crickets and mealworms into lollipops or covers them with chocolate as a 'tasty' treat.

"Eating insects is a fairly new concept," she told Sky News.

"It is a little bit unique and most people wouldn't expect to get a gift like this but they have been really popular this Christmas.

"We try to put the bugs in an edible form which people would recognise."

Ms Blackburn grinds up roasted mealworms and uses the flour-like powder to make other foodstuffs like banana bread and biscuits.

She said: "We kill them ethically; we freeze them which put them to sleep so they don't feel any kind of pain.

"We keep them in a very sterile environment feeding them organic grains and vegetables which increases the flavour of the bugs themselves.

The chewy creatures, which have a crunchy, biscuity taste, have proved so popular that Ms Blackburn says she is planning to expand her menu in the New Year.

She said: "We are adding water bugs, scorpions and even tarantulas."

Yum, yum........

And finally, this first day of the Olympic year

To the county of sausages and a green colour, Lincolnshire County Council is rolling out new signs at pelican crossings in Boston, and walkers are being asked to wait for the green figure before they cross.

The authority says the signs are helping to keep the streets as safe as possible, but critics have questioned whether the change has been motivated by political correctness.

Alan Bell, senior engineer at the Lincolnshire Road Safety Partnership, said: "We need to do all we can to help keep people safe on the county's roads. These signs remind people to cross only when the green figure is lit."

He added that the wording of the signs varies across the county.

While some crossings retain the traditional green man, the crossing at John Adams way in Boston has been given a new sign asking residents to "Cross with the green figure".

Nice to see that the New Year is starting out just like the old one finished.

That’s it: I’m orf to check out some optical lattices.

And today’s thought:

Angus

The Angus Dei Cupid Stunts awards 2011

As Blighty follows 2011 into oblivion, it is once again time for the much awaited list detailing the worst and the very worst of the knobhead bastards that have robbed, screwed and taken the piss out of us over the last twelve months.

The panel (myself, his Maj and the Butler) has spent at least two and a half minutes going through the thousands, OK hundreds, oh all right, the couple of nominations for this coveted prize.

We have decided not to include the obvious such as members of  the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition, (apart from a few exceptions) or all the other thieving, useless, inept, arrogant MPs and the “we are all in this together” lying Pratts that think we are as stupid as they are. 

Instead the focus will.....well focus on those who have managed to exceed even my standard of total bollix in the last 364 days.

Starting at the end: 

Number ten:

Will be posted to The Royal Mail who has managed to cut back on deliveries and collections, close more post offices than there are managers in the NHS, bump up prices until it is cheaper to drive to the address and shove the letter under the door and take nine days to deliver a package posted in Guildford Surrey to the Castle dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire (ten miles).

Number nine:

Is transported to the bus, train and airline jonnies who have reduced services, put up prices, couldn’t keep to a timetable if our lives depended on it and give even less of a shit about us than that lot in Westminster.

 Number eight:

Is awarded to all the “energy suppliers” who have managed to bring twenty million households in Blighty to their knees with swingeing price increases, indecipherable bills, unimaginable “plans”, and Piss Poor service whilst blaming someone else for charging more. 

Number seven:

Goes to the European Union which has managed to totally balls up the “Eurozone” leaving more than a couple of countries so far in debt that they will still be bankrupt in 2050, and then has the temerity to ask us to contribute to yet another bailout fund.

Number six:

Is retailed as Tesco, who keep raking in astronomical profits while “giving” us ‘price drops’ and still manages to increase my weekly shopping bill by about five percent each seven days.

Number five:

Is emailed to “The electronic Media” such as Auntie BBC, Channels three, four, five, and even higher numbers who have managed to dumb down our viewing experience with such delights as Strictly come bleedin dancing, Britain’s got talent, Big brother, come dine with me, I’m an arsehole get me out of here, and East Enders which is even more depressing than real life.

Number four:

Has to be the BWankers that managed to lend billions to people who had about as much of a chance of repaying as finding a gold bar in the bog after a dump, and then gladly accepted hundreds of billions from us so that they could continue to pay themselves vast bonuses while we fell into the black hole.

Number three:

Is the first exception; Son of a B....aronet (and alien reptile in disguise) George (my wallpaper shop is going dahn the drain) Osborne who has managed to plunge sixty odd million inhabitants of our once fair land into abject poverty using his tunnel vision and lack of common sense, foresight, fiscal knowhow,  and total absence of an IQ.

  

Number two:

Is the second exception and is given with many thanks to U-Turn Dave and his brown nosed side kick what’s his name who have decided that we will not have a referendum on staying in the EU, will see our standard of existance decline to the point where Africa is offering us aid, has managed to put more people on the dole than their predecessors, borrowed more dosh on “our behalf” than you could shake a knob at, lied and cheated their way into power and all the while seem to exist in an alternative universe.

And ending at the start:

Number one:

Is of course.......us, the general public who once again believed the lying, cheating bastards that have ruined the economy, the NHS, the housing market, the job market and screwed all and sundry without actually being elected.

So on behalf everyone in broken, bollixed up Blighty I gratefully accept this prestigious award on our behalf.

Angus

Depressed Blighty: Out-in NHS: Virtual Numptys: Jesus! It’s the Takenouchi Documents: Arse prints: and Intelligent slime.

More than a whimsy of lack of heat at the Castle this morn, the butler has returned from his Crimbo hols looking like he spent the week in Syria and is begrudgingly shoving fat teenagers into the furnace, the study is overflowing with busted bodge-ups and his Maj has discovered the joy of diving under the duvet and biting my feet.

I see that Dahn in Sussex

Police officers have been banned from charging their mobile phones and MP3 players at work in an attempt to save money.

Sussex Police is attempting to save £50m in total by 2015.

Bloody hell! I didn’t know Leccy was that expensive.....

And according to “experts”

High levels of depression are costing the country almost £11bn a year in lost earnings, in demands on the health service and in prescribing drugs to tackle the problem.

The extent of the economic damage caused by the illness emerged as new figures showed that the use of anti-depressants and sleeping pills is soaring. Last night charities said the economic turmoil, increased job insecurity and mounting unemployment have contributed to growing levels of depression over the past three years.

According to research by the House of Commons, people unable to work because of depression lose £8.97bn of potential earnings per year. The cost to the NHS of treating depression is put at more than £520m a year. This comprises £237m for hospital care, £230m for antidepressant drugs, £46m for doctors' time and £9m for outpatients' appointments. 

But the best bit is “The loss of earnings from people who commit suicide is estimated at a further £1.47bn.”

 ????

Still in brown Blighty

Allegedly the number of NHS patients who have to undergo emergency readmission to hospital within a month of being discharged has increased by more than three quarters in the last decade, the Daily Telegraph has disclosed.

More than 660,000 people were brought back to hospital last year within 28 days of leaving, statistics show, sparking allegations that patients are being “hurried through the system” so the NHS can meet waiting-list targets.

The official figures show that some NHS trusts have seen their emergency readmission rate rise more than three-fold over the past decade – while some hospitals have seen only a modest increase.

Hospitals have been accused by ministers of treating patients “like parts on a production line” after official figures suggested that hundreds of thousands of people every year are being sent home before they are well enough.

Now I know why the BUPA using Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition wants to up the private income to 50 percent in ‘Orspitals.

East to the land of fireworks, clothing, toys, china ware, beauty products, furniture, footwear, and fabrics.

A man in China recently spent $16,000 for a virtual sword on a game that has not even been released yet.

"Age of Wulin," by California-based company Snail Games has not even been released on mainland China but that isn't stopping some from spending serious cash on the game.

The game is a role-playing one that is set in ancient China and is a massively multiplayer online role-playing game, or better known as MMORPGs.

The man is not alone in his purchases. A study released earlier in the year valued the virtual economy for MMORPGs is $3 billion. 

MMMind blowing....

Dahn a bit to the place where they don’t produce fireworks, clothing, toys, china ware, beauty products, furniture, footwear, and fabrics.

Apparently according to the 1,500 year old “Takenouchi Documents,”   JC visited Japan between the ages of 21 and 33, and spent this time studying the native language and culture, before returning to Jerusalem.

And he didn’t spend a rather bad Easter there but it was his younger brother Isukiri, who took his place on the cross.

After legging it to Siberia he travelled via Alaska and arrived at the port of Hachinohe, 40km from the village of Shingo. He lived the rest of his life in the village, where he married, had three children and died at the age of 106.

The Tomb of the son of what’s His/Her name is at the top of a wooded hill overlooking the rice fields, there are  two graves, each a mound of earth marked with a wooden cross. The grave to the left has the ear of Isukuri along with a lock of the Virgin Mary’s hair. The one on the right is where the bones of Christ himself are buried.

 

Discuss......

Still in the land of biblical cock ups

Researchers at Japan's Advanced Institute of Industrial Technology have developed a car seat that carefully scans a driver's backside to verify their identity before the car will start.

Researchers insist the method is less intrusive and more convenient than current fingerprint and iris scan technology. And drivers don't have to drop their drawers for it to work.

The system embeds 360 incredibly precise sensors within the driver's seat, the foundation of a system that is 98 percent accurate, according to researchers.

Scientists hope the sensor-filled seats will start rolling off the arse-embly line in two to three years.

Too much radiation methinks...


And finally:

Remaining in the place where mutations are rife

Toshiyuki Nakagaki, a professor at Future University Hakodate, northern Japan, cultivates slime in Petri dishes and has discovered how the brainless organism is capable of finding its way out of a maze.

The brainless organism is able to “organise” its cells to create the most direct route through a maze in order to reach a source of food, according to his studies.

The findings highlight how slime mould possesses information processing abilities shared by humans which are more sophisticated than the most advanced computers, according to Professor Nakagaki.

 

Unfortunately we only have the unintelligent form of slime in Blighty-it’s called Parliament.

That’s it: I’m orf to cross some intelligent slime with a brainless fish.

 

And today’s thought:

Angus 

Hello sailor: Stilton-not: No tomorrow: Brooming Bethlehem: and the Ball biter.

Cold, calm and decidedly non Crimbo at the Castle this morn, the new front toof is back in place anchored with what feels like a scaffold pole driven through the top of my skull, I am back to the un connected computers in the study and his Maj needs a new bed.

Dahn Unda

The Royal Australian Navy has sent a delegation to Britain to recruit some of the 5,000 Royal Navy personnel due to lose their jobs over the next four years.

It is understood that the Australian navy wants to speak directly to sailors facing redundancy to offer them “career transition options”.

Australia’s Chief of Navy, Vice Admiral Ray Griggs, promised his British counterpart, First Sea Lord Admiral Sir Mark Stanhope, that Australia will not recruit personnel needed by the British.

Royal Navy officers are said to have told the Australians they were “very comfortable” with the plan.

Goodbye sailor....

Back in Blighty

Villagers in Stilton are a bit more than miffed after an unusual law upheld by the Department for Food, Environment and Rural Affairs prevents them from naming their cheese after their home town.

The Stilton Cheese Makers Association has been fighting against the 1996 Protected Designation of Origin order, which has prevented Stilton cheese from being officially named so, outside of Leicester, Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire.

Liam McGivern, the landlord of the Bell Inn pub, said he is upset by Defra's decision to let him make the cheese but not give it the Stilton name.

'Anyone can make the cheese but they won't let us call it Stilton,' Mr McGivern said.

In the 18th century, the Bell Inn's pub owner was said to be the first to market the cheese,

Now, by law, the establishment must sell the cheese as 'blue-veined cheese made in Stilton'. Mr McGivern markets the cheese as 'Bell Blue'.

Smells a bit fishy to me.....

Shifting Samoa

Along with tiny Tokelau to the north the inhabitants of Samoa are going from midnight tonight straight to New Year's Eve.

After 119 years to the east of the International Date Line, Samoa is shifting to the west so they can be on the same calendar day as their main economic partners, Australia and New Zealand.

When Samoa went the other way in 1892, because most of its trade had shifted from Sydney to San Francisco, writer Robert Louis Stevenson was living there.

Wonder if we could “shift” Blighty about two thousand miles south, that’ll piss orf the “energy providers”.

Over to the “village” where peace on Earth began

The annual broom battle took place again this Crimbo: Palestinian police stormed the basilica of the Nativity in Bethlehem after rival groups of Orthodox and Armenian clerics clashed in a row over the boundaries of their respective ancient jurisdictions inside the church.

Armed with brooms, around 100 priests and monks came to blows during the cleaning of the church in preparation for Orthodox Christmas celebrations.

Nice to see that JC’s mantra is working so well....

And finally: 

To the place where you wouldn’t want to have a dip in a river

Jeremy Wade, 53, spent weeks hunting for the perpetrator in remote Papua New Guinea after locals reported a mysterious beast which was castrating young fishermen.

He finally unmasked the monster as the Pacu fish - known locally as ‘The Ball Cutter’ - and managed to catch one in his small wooden fishing boat.

Mr Wade wrestled the 40lb monster on to the floor of his boat and opened its snapping jaws with his naked hands - to discover a jaw-dropping array of human-style teeth.

The Ball Cutter boasts an impressive set of man-like molars, which tear off the testicles of unwitting hunters, leaving them to bleed to death.

Pacu fish are usually found in the Amazon, where they need their teeth to crack into the tough cases of nuts and seeds.

The previously vegetarian fish were introduced to Papua New Guinea 15 years ago to increase stocks.

They quickly used their special technique to chomp meat due to a lack of suitable vegetation in the waters - making short work of human testicles.

Brings tears to one’s eyes...

That’s it: I’m orf to hack a chuff-chuff 

And today’s thought:

Angus