Home alone: U-Turn Cam and Clarkson: No coins for the meter: Nuckin Futs: Solar Numptys: and a fat cat.

Lack of low levels of liquid metal at the Castle this morn, the white crusty stuff has been replaced with damp, drizzly downpours, the study is overflowing with ornery ‘orrors and his Maj has presented me with a new stick.

The latest “idea” from the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Is to ‘encourage’ those of us who are not as young as we would like to be to move into smaller properties so that councils can rent out our homes to families.

The scheme - announced by Housing Minister Grant Shapps - is intended to ease pressure on young families at a time when many are struggling to find affordable accommodation.

Under the plans, local authorities would offer to help pensioners living in family homes to find more suitable places to live.

The councils would then take over responsibility for maintaining the property and renting it out at affordable rates, returning any profit to the elderly person or their estate.

Just remember you ignorant, arrogant tosspots-every old fart has a vote....

And U-Turn Dave

Has resolved to distance himself from the Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, after embarrassing him once again, Cameron has decided to put as much clear blue water as possible between himself and Jeremy Clarkson, whose latest jape was to involve the Prime Monster in an edition of Top Gear which resulted in a complaint to the BBC from the Indian High Commission over its lack of cultural sensitivity. “The Prime Minister has no plans to see Mr Clarkson in the foreseeable future,” one of Cameron’s most senior aides said.

Clarkson joins a growing list of individuals that the PM is now straining not to be seen with. It includes Rebekah Brooks, the disgraced former News International boss, and her one-time colleague, Andy Coulson, whom Cameron hired as his director of communications because he felt that he deserved “a second chance.”

When he last encountered Clarkson, unexpectedly, at a private gathering in Chipping Norton on New Year’s Eve, not long after he had seen the crass Indian edition of Top Gear and decided that he “did not like it,” Cameron turned on his heel.

Still U-Turning then.....

 

The Royal Mint

Has come up with a way to stop us going to town, snacking and making phone calls; millions of 5p and 10p coins could be rejected by parking meters, vending machines and payphones as the Royal Mint rolls out new-sized coins from this month.

The new coins will be slightly thicker, and customers will be left fumbling through their change to find a coin that will be accepted, since some machines will no longer take the old-style coins while others will reject the new ones.

The new coins were originally meant to be introduced last year, but were delayed because of a campaign from the vending industry. They are a cost-saving exercise for the Government, because the current coins are made of an alloy of copper and nickel, which has become more expensive. The new coins, which the Royal Mint started to produce at the beginning of January, are made of steel.

According to the Government’s own impact assessment of the introduction of the new coins, they will save the Treasury between £7m and £8m a year. However, the cost to industry and local councils of the transition will be around £80m over two years.

 

Who voted these wankers in to power? Oh yes-no one....

Dahn Unda

A snack called Nuckin Futs will go on sale after a lawyer's successful argument that the word "f..." is a normal part of Australian speech and so cannot be deemed offensive under trademark rules.

The trademark application for "Nuckin Futs" was at first rejected by the register as being scandalous and offensive due to its similarity to the phrase "f...ing nuts".

The Trade Marks Examiner ruled that "Nuckin Futs" was an "obvious spoonerism" and deemed it ineligible for registration under section 42 of the Trade Marks Act.

Under the law such terms must be rejected if likely to be regarded as shameful, offensive or shocking to the ordinary person.

But solicitor Jamie White, Director of law firm Pod Legal, who submitted the application on behalf of his Gold Coast client, argued that "Nuckin Futs" was not offensive because it was commonplace in everyday Australian language.

In a five-page legal document, seen by news.com.au, which catalogues the history of controversial product names, Mr White argued the words "f..." or "f...ing" were "now part of the universal discourse of the ordinary Australian".

Mr White assured the Examiner that the product, mostly comprising of edible nuts, would not be marketed to children as his client only intended to sell it in pubs, nightclubs and other entertainment venues.

The trade mark is due for registration in April 2012.

Cupid Stunts...

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Solar panels were fitted on a council house – facing AWAY from the sun.

Tenant Gerald Evans pointed it out to the fitters but claims he was ignored.

The retired labourer said he pointed out that the panelling would be best at the front of the property where it would be exposed to the majority of the sunlight during the day

But he said: "I was told the correct positioning had been assessed using a compass."

They continued with the original plan of putting the panels at the rear of his home, on the roof over a bedroom and kitchen.

The contractor, social housing refurbishment specialists, Forrest later apologised for the error on a bungalow in Chirk, near Wrexham.

They have agreed to fix them the right way round free of charge.

And buy a new compass...

And finally:

Over to the left

The Fredericton SPCA is fundraising to help Tiny the cat live up to his name.

Margo Bird, the executive director of the Fredericton SPCA, said Tiny was dropped off in a box on Dec. 30.

But she said staff members originally assumed the box contained a donation of office supplies or pet food: until the box meowed.

“Lo and behold, there was our 30-pound wonder. Tiny and another normal-size cat Rapunzel, he was tucked underneath Tiny. So, I think, they were happy to get out of the box, to say the least,” Bird said.

Tiny is a friendly male with long grey fur and green eyes and, the SPCA says, he weighed 13.5 kilograms when he was dropped off.

Tiny is the largest cat they have ever seen at the Fredericton SPCA. He is three times the size of an average cat.

Tiny moved to a foster home on Thursday and a local veterinarian has volunteered to monitor his diet free of charge.

The Fredericton SPCA has launched a weight loss challenge to help fundraise to pay for Tiny’s food.

The canned cat food is estimated to cost $4 to $5 per day.

Bless.....

 That’s it: I’m orf to build a Lough generator in the moat.

 And today’s thought:

Angus

Fromage a la Smoke: Beeb bonuses: Big Apple-big bills: Matchstick man: BMW box woes: Museum of moving lingerie: and a Bum gun.

‘Tis cold, crispy and calm yet again at the Castle this morn, the study is overwhelmed with wonky what knots and his Maj has discovered the joy of shredding the shower curtain. 

I spent an hour or so in the garden trying to move a large “mock orange” shrub, after digging all the way round the roots and then attacking the hole with my new axe, shoving a pry bar underneath it and jumping up and down on the handle, digging even more soil out around the blessed thing it hasn’t even moved a smidge-think I need a plan “B”.

And a happy 70^th birthday to Mohammed Ali-he was the greatest.

Up in the Smoke

There is a new experience; L'Art Du Fromage, the first speciality cheese restaurant in Britain. The menu is built around cheese-based dishes: there are fondues, raclettes, a glorified version of cheese on toast and even cheese ice cream.

Mr Ledogar and his business partner Jean-Charles Madenspacher, who are both 24, have left their village outside Strasbourg, Alsace, to move to the UK. Their mission: to banish the British obsession with mild cheddar and ignite an altogether fierier relationship with aged milk curd.

Their restaurant, off London's King's Road, near Chelsea, has just opened for business.

The cheeseboard offers Roquefort (replete with the Penicillium roqueforti fungus and its "healing properties") and Langres (bathed in Champagne), and one of the dearest, the Salers de Buron.

Opening day didn’t go too well, the sole couple tucking into their cheeseboard lunch at L'Art Du Fromage were actually French relatives of the proprietors.

 

Good luck with that-I hope Worrall Thompson doesn’t get a whiff.....

Staying in the capital

Allegedly four senior BBC executives have been paid hundreds of thousands of pounds in bonuses despite a pledge by the director-general to scrap the payouts.

The managers shared around £275,000 in top-up payments last year, Chris Kane, receiving £155,000 in addition to his £206,000 salary, according to the flailing sail, Chief technology officer John Linwood received a bonus of £70,000 last year, making his total pay £358,000 - a total which included a pay rise of £40,000.

On Demand general manager Daniel Danker, who is responsible for the "strategy and delivery" of the iPlayer catch-up service and Red Button interactive services, was awarded £40,000, taking his total pay package to £213,000.

Human resources director of vision, north and nations Claire Dyer received an additional payment of £11,000.

Nice to see that our license money is going to good causes....

Left to the land of the sick and the home of the computer error

Patients at a Bronx hospital are getting billed for tens of millions of dollars because of a computer error.

Alexis Rodriguez says he almost had an asthma attack when he received a bill for $44.8 million from the Bronx-Lebanon Hospital Centre.

Rodriguez told the New York Daily News that he was hospitalized last spring with pneumonia and was afraid the bill was legit.

Turns out the company that prepares the bills had mistakenly put the invoice number in the space where the invoice amount should go.

The billing company is telling patients to ignore the multi-million-dollar bills. It is sending out corrected ones.

There was no immediate response from the hospital on Monday, which was a holiday.

That’s one way to cut the waiting lists....

Right more than a lot

Bulgarian artist Plamen Ignatov, has spent the last 16 years of his life making a detailed matchstick model of the Rila Monastery, from around 6 million sticky things that come in small boxes.

Rila Monastery is the largest and most famous Orthodox monasteries in Bulgaria, and is regarded as one of the most important cultural and historical monuments in Southern Europe. It is also listed as a UNESCO World Heritage Site. 

Never heard of it, and I hope he has fire insurance…

And talking of things that come in small boxes

Nearly 30,000 Mini Coopers are to be recalled in Britain after makers detected an electrical fault which could lead cars to catch fire.

German car maker BMW said the recall concerns 235,000 vehicles worldwide.

Safety checks revealed a problem which can cause the water pump to fail, potentially causing the car to overheat.

Manufacturers are investigating one case in Britain where a fire is being linked to the water pump, a spokesman said.

The recall relates to two models - the Mini Cooper S and the Mini John Cooper Works.

The company said owners will be issued with a recall notice in the next few weeks.

But a spokesman insisted the vehicles remain safe to drive and there is a "very low incidence" of the fault.

It seems that BMW are getting very close to British Leyland’s “that’ll do” mantra.

Right a whimsy to the land of cheesy museums and a big metal tower

Paris's Musee D'Orsay is threatening to sue a lingerie company after three models paraded around the museum in bras and knickers.

Works by artists such as Van Gough and Renoir had to compete with models from lingerie firm Etam for the eyes of bewildered spectators.

The models were filmed for a video intended as a viral marketing campaign. It starts with the girls waiting outside the art gallery in trench coats.

Once the models are inside the gallery they shed their overcoats to reveal their scantily-clad bodies to astonished art lovers.

However, the museum was not amused by the stunt and has called the incident "a serious infringement of the Orsay's rights and the rights of others".

The museum's director has reportedly threatened legal action against Etam if the lingerie maker does not remove the video from its website.

Now that is art…..

 And finally: 

Back over to the right to bear arms place

Police in Georgia believe that despite multiple searches after a traffic violation , a suspect managed to sneak a 10-inch gun into a prison last Monday by concealing the weapon in his rectum.

One day later, officers confiscated the .38 revolver from the jail cell of Michael Leon Ward, arrested Jan. 9, a statement from the Onslow County Sheriff's Office explains.

They'd performed a strip search on Ward and even required that he "squat and cough" to see if he held any contraband, but nothing turned up, according to MSNBC.

He was initially arrested because police allegedly found drugs and related paraphernalia during the traffic stop.

Jailhouse guards discovered the handgun in the toilet after other inmates reported Ward.

 

Ye gods! I pity the poor sod that has to clean it.

That’s it: I’m orf to get me face scanned.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Yacht an idiot: Silly Billy wants war: Cannibal harlequins: Bombing Montecristo: some Chinese bodyguards: and a twenty first century ditty.

Cold and crusty yet again at the Castle this morn, the study is overpopulated with dodgy difference machines, the boiler is nearing the temperature of the sun and his Maj has discovered the joy of putting things in his water bowl.

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run at Tesco, the Elfandsafety would have a field day...

My lovely young lady has just trimmed my locks, and; A couple more inane pics:

  

His Maj skating on the frost.

And a cold statue.

According to the erudite education secretary

We should stump up more than a few million squids to present her Maj with a nice new “Royal Yacht”; Michael Gove believes the present would ‘recognise the Queen’s highly significant contribution to the life of the nation’.

He has written a private letter to Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt, who is overseeing the celebrations, and to the Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg, suggesting celebrations for the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee ‘should go beyond those of previous jubilees and mark the greater achievement that the diamond anniversary represents’.

Bollocks, give her a medal instead-much cheaper.

And:

According to the Express

Silly Billy (baseball cap and room sharing, but not gay) Hague reckons that military action against Iran cannot be ruled out as the rogue state steps up its nuclear threat.

Western governments, including Britain, have moved to step up sanctions over Iran’s nuclear programme, threatening an embargo on its vital oil exports. In response, Tehran has talked of blocking the Straits of Hormuz oil shipment route.

silly Billy said: “We are clearly not calling for or advocating military action. We are advocating meaningful negotiations, if Iran will enter into them, and the increasing pressure of sanctions to try to get some flexibility from Iran.’’

“We have never ruled anything out. We have not ruled out any option, or supporting any option. We believe all options should be on the table, that is part of the pressure on Iran,” he said.

No option then....

And in the gardens of Blighty

There is a real war going on, an explosion in the number of harlequin ladybirds has led to people's homes being infested with the creatures – and threatened native ladybirds.

While the two-spotted and seven-spotted varieties are emblematic of the British countryside, the larger harlequin, first seen in the UK in 2004 and now numbering billions, has become the nation's most abundant species. Rather than feasting on aphids and greenfly, the harlequin also eats lacewings, hoverflies and even other ladybirds.

Rolled up newspaper time.....

Over in the Med

The Island of Montecristo is to be bombed with poison after rat infestation, the uninhabited island, a protected nature reserve lying between the coast of Tuscany and Corsica has been invaded by thousands of black rats.

The rodents are believed to have arrived on the four-square-mile island as stowaways on boats a few years ago but have now multiplied.

Authorities are planning to use aircraft to bombard the island with poison pellets in a bid to tackle the infestation.

The plan is to drop around 26 tonnes of pellets on the island at the end of this month.



Who ‘counted’ the rats on Montecristo then.....

Over to the land of loads of oil and even more people

Female bodyguards from Tianjiao Special Bodyguards/Safety Consultants Limited had their “devil day” training.

This is the company’s first public female bodyguard training session. Tianjiao Special Bodyguards currently has 20 female bodyguards, the majority of them being university graduates. The girls need to undertake 8-10 months of professional training to master enough defence and protection skills in order to provide better service to clients.

Tianjiao Special Bodyguard Company will send the members of this squad of female bodyguards with the best performance to the Israeli International Security Academy to undergo even more professional skills training.

Not that tough, have a look at the pic...

And finally: the reason why I am a bit tardy this day:

Take me back to the old days

In days of yore when I were young

And we were taught to hold our tongue

When state provided heat and light

And chuff chuffs too-coo what a sight

When jobs were many, housing too

And life was simple-unlike ‘noo’

When go juice cost us just a bit

And cars were rare as phoenix shit

And schools were just as bad as now

Apart from caning-what a cow

And phones were things attached by wire

When black hard stuff were used on fire

When the box had just three channels

And our best programmes came in annals

When summer came and summer went

And global weather wasn’t bent

When MPs didn’t seem as bad

Its really changed since I were’ lad

I wish I could go back to then

And keep with me the current gen.

  

That’s it: I’m orf to search for planets

And today’s thought:

Angus

Wineing MPs: Bung-a-low price on two faced Minister: Fine lines: Bum auction lot: Magnetic stools: Flying pussy: and Rodent retrieval.

Cold, crisp, crusty and calm at the Castle this morn, the butler is feeding the furnace with fat teenagers like there is no tomorrow and his Maj has discovered the joy of sleeping on my head during the dark thing.

Up in the smoke

Allegedly The House of Commons has spent £275,000 over the past two years on taxpayer-subsidised wine and champagne.

The Commons wine cellar was filled with 44,000 bottles for MPs and their staff to enjoy in the Palace of Westminster’s unlicensed bars and restaurants.

It includes £28,000 on 1,838 bottles of champagne and £11,100 on 1,470 bottles of sparkling wine.

The wine was bought by the House of Commons catering and retail service, which has received a state subsidy of £11.5m over the past two years.

It amounts to a top-up of 42 per cent - meaning the taxpayer contribution to the wine bill was the equivalent of £115,000, or £176 per MP.

No fewer than 69 different wines were bought, including 47 bottles of the highly-rated Chateau de Fonbel 2003, at a cost of £932; 144 bottles of Joseph Drouhin Cote de Nuits-Villages, costing £1,854; and 204 bottles of Sancerre Domaine de Raimbault, costing £2,455.

The authorities also spent more than £40,000 on 7,300 bottles of sauvignon blanc and £24,000 on 5,000 bottles of Merlot.

The taxpayer subsidy means MPs can enjoy drinks at prices far lower than those found in high street wine bars, with wine from £2.35 a glass.

Which does explain some of the “Pissed” Poor Policies being made law at the tipsy temple of sots.

And up a smidge from the Smoke

Apparently a Cabinet minister sold her home close to the proposed High Speed 2 rail link just two months before the Government gave the go-ahead to the controversial project.

Cheryl Gillan, the Welsh secretary, sold the house in Amersham, Bucks, last November for £320,000 – just weeks before the Government gave the go-ahead to the £32 billion scheme.

The 17th century terraced house lies 500 yards from the proposed Birmingham to London train route.

Mrs Gillan had been one of the leading opponents to HS2 on the Tories’ benches and had previously threatened to resign if the project was given the green light.

However, after the government signalled its intention to press ahead with the scheme last Tuesday, Gillian emphasised the “good progress” that has been made in mitigating the effects of the new rail route in her constituency with longer tunnels.

A spokesman for the Welsh Secretary confirmed that the house was sold in November last year for 20% below the asking price after being on the market for 18 months.

He said that Mrs Gillan had decided to sell the property because she and her 84-year-old husband have difficulty climbing stairs.

Two faced inside deal?

Up a whimsy more

Patrick McCrystal was given a £70 ticket after double yellow lines were painted underneath his parked Ford Fiesta.

Mr McCrystal, from Derby, was further angered when he spotted flecks of yellow paint on his front bumper.

The 49-year-old petrol station worker - who regularly parked between the gaps in the lines - said yesterday: 'I couldn’t believe my eyes. They had extended the existing set of lines underneath my car, and then a warden had slapped a ticket on it.

'When I parked there were double yellows in front of my car, double yellows behind my car, but nothing in between.

'It has been my regular spot for two years and there was nothing to indicate I couldn’t park there.'

Although fine has since been rescinded, Derby City Council admitted the ticket was issued in error.

David Gartside, the council’s head of traffic and transport, said: 'It appears that there was a communication breakdown between our contractors undertaking the lining work and our enforcement officers.

'We apologise for any inconvenience.' 

Ah, the old miscommunication excuse-maggots....

Dahn Unda and right a touch

Tina Beznec, 23, placed an ad on the Trade Me website under the title 'YOUR Tattoo on my Bum!!' which offers a 9cm by 9cm square of flesh.

The highest bidder can have anything they like inked on the spot and will receive a framed photo of the finished work. They can even go to the tattoo parlour to watch it being done.

Tina, of Lower Hutt, admitted in her ad that people may think she was 'crazy', but insisted she needed the money.

'Ok so 20% of the auction winnings will go to a Charity of your choice and the rest will go to me, I deserve it, I have been made redundant TWICE over the past year,' she said.

Her idea has attracted plenty of public interest and the bidding in the auction, which ends on January 20th, has already topped the NZ$10,000 (£5,180) reserve price.

Tina also had some suggestions for what the winning bidder could choose to tattoo on her backside, including a business promotion or marriage proposal.

Or how about-“I’m an arsehole”?

Up to whacky baccy land

Dutch designer Jólan van der Wiel is making stools by mixing iron filings with molten plastic and creating the legs by "pulling" them up using magnets. When the plastic hardens you've got yourself a stool.

Gestenigd Numpty

Left a lot and dahn a lot

An elderly woman has been left fighting for her life in Argentina after a cat thrown out of a fourth-floor apartment during a heated argument landed on her head, local media reported.

The incident occurred in the Belgrano neighbourhood of Buenos Aires on Saturday when, during the dispute, a man grabbed the family cat and threw it at his wife.

She dodged the feline, which then sailed through an open window and plunged toward the ground, striking the woman, an 85-year-old neighbour.

Police told Argentine media that the victim suffered a fractured skull and was rushed to hospital, where she had to be connected to a ventilator.

The cat's condition is unknown.

 

Not funny really......

And finally: 

Up to the other bit of the Americas

More than 90 hamsters were found in one man's apartment, well-cared for and kept in aquariums, buckets and Tupperware containers.

The Boehm Street man had 94 hamsters in total and decided on his own it was just too many. He went to the MSPCA's Small Animal Shelter at Nevins Farm in Methuen last week to let officials there know he had a large number of hamsters he wanted to surrender.

"The situation was not dire, so we asked him to wait a week so we could prepare for them," said Mike Keiley, director at the Methuen shelter.

Keiley said the man planned to take a cab to the shelter to turn over the hamsters. Instead, the MSPCA officials sent a van with two workers and the city's Animal Control Officer Ellen Bistany to the home yesterday to pick them up.

"He started with one hamster, and there got to be more and more," Keiley said.

Breed like rabbits do hamsters-I hope Freddy Starr doesn’t see this.

That’s it: I’m orf to look for Phobos-Grunt.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Angus snaps: Civilian plod: EU-ooops: Old Shreddies: Carver kronid: and Automatic fire wood.

Colder than a ConDem’s heart at the Castle this morn, the falling down and lying in vomit thing seems to have gorn orf, and his Maj has discovered the joy of sitting on the top of the wardrobes.

As you may know my photography skills are a bit suspect, and like all bad workmen I blame my camera; so I have “upgraded” to a sparkly new 14mp digital do-dah with all sorts of bells and whistles.

New one-taken with the old one.

Snowdrops-which are nearly gorn.

His Maj being a vandal.

And a snippet of video.

So you can look forward to many, many more inane pics in the future...

In barmy Blighty

Apparently there are more than 2,500 citizens working for town halls and private security companies who can hand out fines, take photographs of offenders and demand their names and addresses.

These soulless Jobsworths are not accountable to the police, unless they break the law, and include car park attendants and dog wardens.

Under the scheme, which began in 2002, a chief constable can give employees of councils or private companies limited powers to carry out specific, approved roles.

For some, that means the right to hand out on-the-spot fines for offences including disorder, truancy, dog fouling and littering, stop vehicles for roadside tests and confiscate alcohol or cigarettes from children.

They have a uniform and badge, but despite having to be approved by police chiefs, they remain under the full control of their employer who dictates their role and deployment. If they are accused of misconduct, the victim has to complain to the private employer and would have to sue in the civil courts if still unsatisfied.

A Home Office spokesman added: “Our number one priority is public protection. The Community Safety Accreditation Scheme assists the police in keeping communities safe.

“Powers are limited to dealing with low level crime, individuals are thoroughly vetted and training is approved by the relevant force.”

Bollocks.

Across the Eurozone

A string of countries have had their credit ratings downgraded in a mass blitz by agency Standard and Poor's.

France, Austria, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Slovakia, Malta, Slovenia and Cyprus have all been cut in a brutal round of downgrades.

France and Austria both now hold AA+ ratings, while Italy, formerly an A-rated country, holds a BBB+.

Spain will move down to an A rating, while Portugal moves to BB, Slovakia to A and Cyprus to BB+.

Malta now holds an A rating and Slovenia finds itself on A+.

Austria, France, Malta, Slovakia, Slovenia, Cyprus, Italy, Spain and Portugal also had their long-term ratings lowered.

Only Germany, The Netherlands, Finland and Luxembourg kept their top-notch ratings in the cuts.

The euro fell to a 17-month low on the currency markets amid early reports of the news - the latest in the eurozone crisis - and stock markets across the world also declined.

Oh dear; what a shame...

Back in baffling Blighty

Boxes of Shreddies dating back to the early 1970s have been discovered in a village shop – and are now selling for about £160 a time on eBay.

The packs were found by 59-year-old Norma Fears behind shelves at her post office in Whitwell, Hertfordshire, and were initially rejected as feed by a customer’s chickens.  

The customer returned to the store to give back the Shreddies, but fellow shopper Dave King suggested to the woman and Ms Fears that she place the items on eBay.

Some packs still contain a free gift – stickers from the 1970 Disney film The AristoCats - making them popular bidding items online.

'When we saw the first bid at £36, we thought "that’s quite good" but then they sold for £158.98,' explained Ms Fears. 'I couldn’t believe they went for that.

Hope the Elfandsafety crunchers don’t get wind of that......

East a fair way

Kronid Gogolev is a master wood-carver who creates incredibly detailed artworks inspired by the rural and provincial life of Russia’s northern regions.

Using simple tools, he is able to turn rough pieces of wood into masterpiece depicting the way of life and the traditions of the Russian northern village, capturing its original beauty. Each of his creations has its own unique features and characteristics, but they all manage to capture the attention of the viewer, transporting him to the real-life picturesque settings of the north.

Very nice-let’s hope this next guy doesn’t get his hands on them.

Still in the land of colder than Blighty

A Russian villager discovered a stockpile of Kalashnikov assault rifles hidden in the wooden crates he bought for $15 from a stranger to use as fuel for his winter stove.

A total of 79 guns and 253 cartridges were stuffed in more than 60 wooden boxes bought by a resident of the village of Sovkhozny in Udmurtia, a region some 1,300 km South-East of Moscow, Interfax news agency reported on Friday.

The 57-year old local resident said he bought them from a random truck driver for 500 roubles ($15.81) to heat his home.

The fully functional rifles, produced in 1959-1960, were on their way to a recycling plant from Izhmash, one of the country's oldest arms manufacturing plants, the company said, when they wound up in the man's possession.

Good job the butler didn’t get hold of them…

That’s it: I’m orf to colour the Milky Way.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Duckess in the dock: British decency: Tesco Crimbo: Sonic balls-up: Cow bras: Toulouse le expensive: and Irisin arrives.

Cold, crusty and clear at the Castle this morn, the butler has set up a conveyor belt to shove fat teenagers into the furnace, the fall down and lay in vomit thing has returned, and his Maj has discovered the joy of the nice warm airing cupboard.

And the interweb thingy has gorn tits up-again, started this at 05.30, still here-08.00.

I see that the ugly sister’s female parent

Is in a bit of bovver in Turkey, a court has said it plans to prosecute the Duckess of York for secretly filming orphans in the country for a television documentary in 2008.

The court plans to accuse her of going "against the law in acquiring footage and violating privacy" of five children.

The Duckess visited the orphanage near Ankara while making a film for the ITV Tonight programme and filmed scenes of children tied to their beds and left in cots all day.

Turkish officials made a formal request to the Home Office for help as they tried to bring a case against her in the past.

British ministers refused to accede to the further request for legal assistance from Turkey so from a UK perspective the case is closed.

The reasons for refusal were that the minister considered that to provide the assistance requested would have been likely to prejudice the sovereignty, security, ordre public [public order] or other essential interests of the United Kingdom.

 

I can see millions out on the streets supporting the Duckess-not...

And the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Has “vowed” to overturn three Lords defeats on welfare reform, after peers dramatically sent the bill back to the Commons.

The government proposals were branded "devastating", "severe" and indecent last night, as peers argued that the plans would effectively deprive disabled children of funds.

"The government has been defeated because quite simply they tried to cross the basic line of British decency," shadow work and pensions secretary Liam Byrne said.

"For months Labour has been determined to stop this cruel attack on cancer patients in its tracks and today the House of Lords agreed."

Welfare Minister Chris Grayling told the Today programme the government intended to strand firm.

"We have said very clearly that we will seek to reverse the amendments in the Lords when it comes back into the Commons," he said.

"We are dealing with some extraordinarily difficult economic times financially."

If the government is acting confidently, it is because it knows it has significant public backing for its welfare reforms plans.

Bollocks; so why are they going to do yet another U-turn on child benefits?

Over to the land of automation and the home of the car crash

General Motors Co has issued a recall of over 4000 of their current year Chevy Sonic subcompacts, because there is a possibility that they might be missing inner or outer front brake pads. This recall is in effect for both Canadian and US vehicles as their internal research shows that between 20 and 30 vehicles were sold with missing brake pads. The issue was discovered during some routine maintenance on a rental fleet car.

And nobody noticed?

East to the old enemy of the aforementioned

Cows in Russia's republic of Yakutia are being given hand-made fur bras.

Because Yakutia is officially the coldest place in the northern hemisphere, even the cattle need to be prepared for very low temperatures.

And with it sometimes reaching minus 55 degrees Celsius, some farmers have taken to producing hand-made rabbit fur accessories for their animals, reports rt.com.

The cow bras are said to consist of a rabbit fur pouch for their udders which is held in place through a series of straps.

Udderly wonderful, wonder if they do a ball brace for the male members of the herd....

 

Back in overpriced Blighty

My favourite retailer didn’t do too well over Crimbo; apparently like-for-like UK sales at Tesco were down by 2.3% over the festive what knot, the supermarket giant has reported.

Britain's largest retailer said the results, for the six weeks to January 7, were "below expectations and disappointing".

It also warned that it expected "minimal" profit growth for the coming year.

The supermarket's share price plummeted by more than 14% on the news.

Non-food sales were particularly bad and the fall came despite Tesco's Price Drop promotion.

Tesco chief executive Philip Clarke said: "We are disappointed with our seasonal trading performance in the UK.

If they didn’t charge three times the price for cheese as they did a year ago then Worrall Thompson wouldn’t need to “borrow” it...

 

Dahn Unda

Toulouse le plummet is a $12,000 cat - and that's not due to his breeding but the cost of surgery after surviving a fall from a seventh floor flat.

The six-year-old tom landed on his feet in the early hours of December 30, but broke all four paws. Owner Renelle Williams said it was amazing Toulouse suffered no internal injuries when he landed on the bitumen below.

"We were on the balcony and the cat would normally have a routine of jumping on to the next-door neighbours' balcony for a visit. He's gone over and probably fallen," Mrs Williams, of Surry Hills said.

Mrs Williams and her husband had to decide whether to keep Toulouse alive with an operation that required metal pins to be inserted into every toe and from his ankle through to his feet.

The cost of the orthopaedic surgery and recovery is expected to be about $12,000. She said they weighed up the decision and based it on the quality of life he would have once the bones healed.

Toulouse is recovering at home and will have the pins removed in six to eight weeks.

Sydney University Veterinary Hospital specialist surgeon Ben Landon said it was fairly common for cats to fall from apartment blocks, with the phenomenon known as "high-rise syndrome".

One down, eight to go....

And finally:

Scientists have come up with a goodie

A newly identified hormone that mimics the effects of exercise could one day help people lose weight and fight obesity-linked diseases without surgery.

Lab mice that were injected with this hormone lost weight and improved regulation of their blood sugar levels, which lowered their risk of diabetes, according to researchers in a new study. Normally the hormone, which the researchers have named Irisin, builds up in the blood of people after doing months of endurance exercise. 

I want some-now!!!!

That’s it (finally): I’m orf to the workshop.

And today’s thought:

Angus