Nudge-nudge: Full English chocolate: Chevy Fatwa: Icelandic Lagarfljótsormurinn fishing net: Hanging about in Utah: and the Wootton pheasant.

As cold as the coldest thing you can think of at the Castle this morn, the deep, crisp and even has turned into a bumpy ice skating rink and I have to go dahn to Tesco for some stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food.

The Gallic flu has flared up and I have this urge to install a bidet... 

Despite the imminent ice-age, people dropping dead form lack of heat, austerity and patients popping orf in ’orspital the “Top story” on the Beeb news is that some Italian bloke who earns £6 million a year has resigned from his job as manager of something called The English football team over another bloke that allegedly made racial remarks about yet another overpaid diva.

So?

Meanwhile; according to the arse of Lords

Plans to get people to adopt healthier lifestyles will not work unless the government is more prepared to use legislation, peers believe.

The House of Lords science and technology committee said ministers seemed to be mistaken in their use of what is known as the nudge theory.

Nudging people is about getting them to change their behaviour without necessarily banning activities.

But the group said that did not mean legislation should not be used at all.

Committee chairman Baroness Neuberger said: "There are all manner of things that the government want us to do - lose weight, give up smoking, use the car less, give blood - but how can they get us to do them?

"It won't be easy and this inquiry has shown that it certainly won't be achieved through using nudges, or any other sort of intervention, in isolation."

 

Methinks big brother is about to stamp his feet...

“Scientist” have discovered that

Eating chocolate cake as part of a full breakfast can help you lose weight, new research says having dessert - along with the traditional fry up - burns off the pounds.

Morning is the best time to consume sweets because that's when the body's metabolism is most active - and we have the rest of the day to work off the calories, a new study shows.

Eating cookies or chocolate as part of breakfast that includes proteins and carbs also helps stem the craving for sweets later.

Amen to that...

  

East-ish to the land of big stone pointy things

Allegedly one of the spiritual leaders of Egypt issued a fatwa (law, regulations) which banned Muslims from driving Chevrolet vehicles. According to the new law, Muslims must not drive Chevrolet cars because the logo of the company is a Christian cross.

There are several theories about the origin of the Chevrolet "cross." One of them says that the designer of the logo was inspired with the pattern on the wallpaper of one of Paris hotels. Another one says that the author of the logo borrowed the idea from an American coal company. Some people say that the designer tried to make a logo that would look like a bow-tie.

Wouldn’t drive a Chevy anyway...

Left a lot to the dusty land

A cameraman has shot footage of what appears to be a giant serpentine creature weaving its way through the icy waters of Lake Lagarfljót in east Iceland.

While there have been several sightings of the Lagarfljótsormurinn or “Icelandic worm monster” in modern times, sceptics have suggested this latest iteration is probably just fishing net caught in the tide.

Legend has it that the Lagarfljótsormurinn started life as a tiny worm placed under a gold ring.

As a fully grown monster, it roamed the countryside, spitting poison and terrorising the local villagers.

While it was eventually thrown into the lake, it was never destroyed, and continues to bring bad luck to everyone it encounters.



Sounds a lot like the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition...

Left even more and down a fair way

British climbers Tom Randall, 32, and Pete Whittaker, 20, put themselves through two years training in a cellar to become the first to complete one of the toughest rock climbing challenges in the world.

The duo travelled to the Canyonlands National Park in Utah to take on a geological feature known as Century Crack – a 49m (160ft)-long gap between two huge rock formations to hang upside down.

The pair had already completed an arduous training programme using a replica of Century Crack built in Tom’s basement.

They completed 5,300m (17,500ft) of horizontal, upside-down climbing, 42,300 pull-ups and bicep curls, and almost 16 hours of static abdominal holds during their six-days-a-week regime.





Sounds a bit batty to me....

And finally:

Back in pheasant filled Blighty

A village postman has resorted to arming himself with stick to deter an aggressive pheasant who lives at the bottom of a resident's garden.

Villagers in Wootton, Staffordshire, are being terrorised by the bird, which regularly attempts to peck anyone who comes near.

Locals have now discovered the only way of pacifying the bird is to feed him raisins soaked in rum.

Not a pheasant plucker, but a.....

That’s it: I’m orf to wait for America and Eurasia to join up (I may be some time).

And today’s thought:

Angus

Gassing up#2: Chase me plod: 3p demo: Fly away in Bryansk: Happy Bull testicle day: Frozen sauerkraut: Too good to be true: and Win Sein Taw Ya.

Bloody freezing at the Castle this morn, his Maj has got so close to the radiator in the kitchen that he has become surgically attached and the butler is spending so long in the dungeon shoving fat drunk teenagers into the furnace that he is turning into a troglodyte.

Apparently wholesale gas prices touched a six-year high of £1 a therm yesterday.

Supply shortages and a huge surge in demand have pushed up prices while Brent crude hit a six-month high of $116.70 as Italy turned to burning oil to produce electricity.

Tensions with Iran also pushed up oil prices as the United States tightened sanctions by giving the banks new powers to freeze assets which are linked to the Persian Gulf state.

Problem is that there is too much information available too quickly nowadays.

Dahn in Sussex

An undercover police officer "chased himself round the streets" for 20 minutes after a CCTV operator mistook him for suspect.

The junior officer, who has not been named, was monitoring an area hit by a series of burglaries in an unnamed market town in the country’s south.

As the probationary officer from Sussex Police searched for suspects, the camera operator radioed that he had seen someone “acting suspiciously” in the area.

But he failed to realise that it was actually the plain-clothed officer he was watching on the screen, according to details leaked to an industry magazine.

The operator directed the officer, who was on foot patrol, as he followed the "suspect" on camera last month, telling his colleague on the ground that he was "hot on his heels".

They don’t call them woodentops for nothing...

East to the land of dodgy motors

Cheapskate motorists paid the price for a cheap parking spot in China - when they discovered it was next to a demolition site.

More than a dozen cars were badly damaged when bungling builders on the site used a demolition ball on the wall, sending it crashing down onto a row of cars in the 3p a day car park in Xianyang, Shaanxi province.

"I chose the parking spot because it was very cheap - and now I know why," said taxi driver Yu Lin, 48.

"I knew they were building something new next door but I didn't think they would be using such a massive crane to smash down such a tiny wall.

"I don't think my insurance will cover this," he added.

The building firm meanwhile defended its actions - saying the wall was unsafe and needed to be knocked down before it killed someone.

Ah-the old Elfandsafety excuse....

Left more than a whimsy

A military official in central Russia has sold an airfield for a bribe.

Andrei Usok, a procurement officer with the Defence Ministry, sold to an unspecified company some 4,000 slabs of concrete making up the landing strip of a military airfield in Bryansk region, prosecutors said on Tuesday.

Usok made 1 million roubles ($33,000) on the deal, but the damages, which rendered the airfield unusable, stood at 48 million roubles, the Prosecutor General’s Office reported on its website.

The officer is facing up to 12 years behind bars or a fine of between 70 million and 90 million roubles over the case. The investigation is ongoing.

Psst, wanna buy a cheap airfield....

Back in Bullsed up Blighty

Yet another “treat” for Valentine’s Day crawls out of the primeval ooze, the aptly named 'Cock and Bull Pie' from artisan ready meal firm Charlie Bigham’s contains only ingredients selected for their aphrodisiac and arousing qualities.

As such the £7.99 pie -- available exclusively from Ocado -- features ‘Mama Juana’ liquor and Ginseng alongside the bulls’ testicles.

The pie’s succulent steak pieces have been marinated in the ‘saucy’ ‘Mama Juana’ liquor, originally prepared by the native Taino Indians to get them in the mood for love.

The brand’s founder, Charlie Bigham, comments: "Having specialised in ‘twosome’ cuisine for over 15 years, we understand what it takes to bring partners closer together.

"After a busy day at work couples are often too tired to cook, which is why we have developed the romantic Valentine’s version of our popular pies, taking the stress out of cooking this Valentine’s.

"The Cock and Bull pie will give partners the opportunity to ditch the asparagus and oysters this year and create that perfect ‘twosomes’ moment with our one-off passion inducing pie."

Num, num...

Across to the land of the Frankfurter

Piles of sauerkraut tumbled out of a truck on a busy German motorway and quickly froze to the autobahn surface, causing a massive traffic jam near Frankfurt during Tuesday's morning rush hour, police said.

A truck carrying hundreds of packages of the famous German pickled cabbage delicacy crashed into another vehicle before dawn near the western town of Friedberg near Frankfurt and scattered its contents across the motorway.

With temperatures far below zero for the last week, the sauerkraut froze almost instantly and created impassable obstacles, causing traffic to back up for 10 km. The motorway was completely shut down for four hours while authorities struggled to scrape the frozen sauerkraut away.

Frankfurter and sauerkraut; num, num, num, num, num....

Back in cynical Blighty

Cash was offered by five women to commuters at busy bus stations up and down the UK but an average of only eight people at each station, out of thousands of bus travellers, took up the offer.

Women wearing a sandwich board that read "Ask me to pay your bus fare and I will" were positioned at bus stations in Newcastle, Medway, Manchester, Perth and Leicester, but were mostly just ignored.

The experiment ran during morning rush hour each day for a week and just 38 people in total across the country accepted the offer.

When questioned, the minority who did eventually accept the free cash admitted they were reluctant at first because they thought the offer was too good to be true.

Those who did accept were generally teenagers, suggesting that the older we get the more cynical of goodwill gestures we become.

Bollocks-if someone offered me free cash I’d snatch their arm orf...

And finally:

East again

Win Sein Taw Ya is the largest reclining Buddha in the world and at 30 meters high and 180 meters in length can be seen for miles.

Located opposite of the Buddhist shrine of Kyauktalon Taung, the reclining Buddha is filled with rooms that showcase dioramas of the teachings of Buddha and a shrine. When visiting the giant Buddha it should be remembered that despite the odd novelty of walking into a giant head, it is still a place of worship, and shoes should be removed before entering the shrine.

Wouldn’t work in Blighty everyone wears the same trainers....

That’s it: I’m orf to sort out the Zebra mussels in the moat.

And today’s thought:

Finally got it in Bernard

Angus

Killing us costly: Mona-Mona: Iranian Ninjas: Pricy motor: Nude birds: and useless objects.

Hard, shallow and crusty with a lack of warmth at the Castle this morn (just like the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition), his Maj has decided that he will wait until spring before he ventures out again and the butler is up to his knees in alcohol soaked, fat teenagers.

La grippe is making me feel a lot hoarse, and I have this urge to kiss people on both cheeks-up or down.

In cocked up Coalition Blighty

Allegedly the NHS faces a £15.7 billion bill to settle a rising number of clinical negligence claims.

The money has been signed off to pay for the care in future years of tens of thousands of patients who have suffered due to blunders in Britain’s hospitals.

Last year, more than 8,500 clinical negligence claims were received by the NHS, an increase of more than 30 per cent on 2009/10.

This clinical negligence bill is a calculation, based on the number of claims the NHS believes it will not be able to defend, the severity of the claimed errors and how much a victim would be paid out for these mistakes.

It therefore includes an estimate of the cost of mistakes that have not yet been claimed for.

Officials admit that the £15.7 billion compensation bill could be an underestimate if the NHS loses more cases than predicted.

Here’s an idea-why not make the knobhead “doctors” who kill and maim patients because of their errors personally liable....

Right to the land of warm winters

The Mona Lisa at the Prado in Madrid was thought to be just another copy, with added eyebrows and an odd black background.

But curators at Spain's national art museum yesterday announced that the painting was actually executed by an artist in Leonardo da Vinci's workshop at the same time as the original.

The copy has belonged to the museum at least since the 1666, first as part of the royal collection and then as a state treasure. It was first thought to have been produced by a Flemish hand after da Vinci's death. Then it was believed to be a later Italian copy.

But is it art?

East to the land where nuclear power is just that allegedly

Thousands of Iranian woman are training to be ninjas.

According to The Atlantic, roughly 3,500 females regularly change from their traditional garb to dress the part of high-kicking, wall-climbing, metal star-throwing fighters.



That’ll put the wind up Silly Billy Hague...

Back in barmy Blighty

A classic Ferrari has become the most expensive car ever sold in Britain - changing hands for £20.2million.

The legendary Ferrari 250 GTO is the world’s most sought-after car, especially as there were only 39 models built between 1962 and 1964.

This 1963 model - number 5095 - is believed to have been sold by British businessman Jon Hunt, who bought it in 2008 for what was then world-record at £15.7million.

When it was launched in the 1960s by Enzo Ferrari, the 250 GTO came with a price-tag of a relatively small £6,000.

The 250 GTO was fitted with a 3-litre V12 engine developing 300bhp - meaning a 0-60mph time of 6.1 seconds and reach a top speed of 174mph.

 

Wonder how much I could get for the Honda.....

East again to the land of oppressed people

An Israeli geneticist, Avigdor Cahaner, created the world’s first featherless chicken at the genetics faculty at the Rehovot Agronomy Institute near Tel Aviv, Israel. The bare-skinned bird was created by cross breeding a broiler with a species that has a featherless neck.

The idea behind the development of this naked bird is that it will create a more ‘convenient’ and energy efficient chicken which can live in warm countries where feathered chickens don’t do well and cooling systems are too expensive to be commonly affordable. And of course, the bird doesn’t require plucking, saving additional money in processing plants.

Well; pluck a duck.....

And finally:

 

Some useless objects.

That’s it: I’m orf to print out a spine for Nick Clegg

And today’s thought:

Angus

Money in the bank: Too rich to list: Digital socks: Brothel botherer: Manhole Numpty: and Books of wood.

Shallow, slushy and rough at the Castle this morn (just like the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition), just got back from the stale bread, gruel and pussy food run at Tesco, the roads are fine-no frost no wind, I can’t see what all the fuss is about.

The French farce continues with a longing for an equine steak...

Up to the part of the Smoke that isn’t

Allegedly the Bank of Blighty Monetary Policy Committee is set to announce on Thursday that it is expanding its Quantitative Easing programme from £275bn to £325bn.

Several members of MPC signalled at their January meeting that they would vote for a further round of QE this month.

City economists had thought the committee would approve a further £75bn of asset purchases this month, but services and manufacturing surveys have suggested that the economy performed slightly better than expected in the early weeks of this year.

Yippee-I claim my share.....

And apparently Councils have given Eric (if it moves I’ll eat it) Pickles the middle finger

Despite ordering them to identify staff earning more than £58,200 a year and any spending of more than £500 council chiefs said they had so many well-paid staff the cost of listing them and their responsibilities could run into hundreds of thousands of pounds. They also said staff safety would be at risk if the public knew how much they earned.

Other councils claimed that taxpayers lacked the “evaluation skills” to decide whether spending was good value for money and would fall victim to “misunderstandings”. Several insisted there was little demand locally for information on how they spent public money.

 Oh shit.....

Over to the left where bits of sand make billions

The latest fashion accessory is flamboyantly coloured, audaciously patterned socks; it seems that wearing flashy socks is more than an expression of your personality. It signals that you are part of the in crowd. It’s like a secret handshake for those who have arrived, and for those who want to.

Lee Sylvia, a sock buyer at Sockshop and Shoe Company, which has stores in San Francisco and Santa Cruz, Calif., said that sales of wild socks were up, an observation echoed by other local sock specialists.

Selling particularly well are geometric patterns, pink and purple, orange and black for the San Francisco Giants, socks with words like “bacon” and “beer,” and “anything with ninjas,” she said.

The most popular styles cost $12 to $40 a pair and are made of combed cotton or wool by companies like Happy Socks, Anonymousism, Paul Smith and Corgi.

Sock it to me?

Dahn Unda

A firm of private investigators in Australia has been advertising for a £50,000-a-year 'brothel inspector'.

The post involves "partaking of sexual services" undercover on behalf of local councils in New South Wales.

The Lyonswood Investigations and Forensic Group in Sydney placed the ad for a 'Brothel Buster Investigator' in My Career magazine.

Applicants were required to be unmarried and preferably single, willing to have protected sex with prostitutes and to provide sworn evidence in court.

Lyonswood operations manager Lachlan Jarvis said the job involved visiting suspected illegal brothels and gathering evidence to prove they were offering sexual services.

"Some jobs require the offering of sexual services, some actually require the partaking of sexual services... because it is considered the most convincing evidence," he said.

Mr Jarvis said the ad had proved popular with Sydney job seekers.

"We had dozens if not more than that apply, it was certainly a popular job," he said, "the perfect job for a male."

I could do that-if I had some blood pressure pills...

Up a fair way to the land of brain dead parents

How not to teach your kids about explosives...

And finally:

Left to the place that looks like a high heel

In Padova University is the collection of wooden books, once a collection of roughly a hundred, nearly half of these rare wooden books have been lost or destroyed since their creation in the late 1700s or early 1800s, leaving only 56.

These books are both about trees and constructed of them, each volume is about a different species of tree, with its cover made from the wood of that tree, showing both wood radial, longitudinal, and cross profiles. And on each spine is a section of the tree's bark.

Inside are the book's contents - but rather than paper describing the tree, each book holds bits of the tree itself. Seedlings, leaves, roots, sawdust, charcoal, flowers, and seeds are all fastened in place and numbered. Each book is accompanied by a handwritten piece of parchment with a legend explaining what each sample is.

Now there’s somewhere to visit-if you are tired of life....

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at Cetus.

And today’s thought:

Angus

Shit for brains Numptys: Get on my land: Cheers: Weighty problem?: Bottom rockets: and Her Maj’s old bag.

Oodles of deep, crisp and even stuff at the Castle this morn, his Maj seems to like the white fluffy stuff, and the dungeon is stacked to the rack with drunk, fat teenagers for the furnace.

Despite the warnings

And that we all know that more than a whimsy of snow will bring Blighty to a standstill, hundreds-nay thousands of shit for brains “motorists” ventured out on “important” business.

Up to 100 vehicles were stranded on the M40 between Junction 4 High Wycombe and Junction 9 Bicester for several hours and snow ploughs were brought in to help clear the roads.

One motorist told BBC News he had spent more than seven hours stuck in traffic in his car on the M25 in Hertfordshire.

Knob heads.....

 

In the part of Blighty that needs faster transport

Landowners and farmers are to be paid £1,000 each to allow contractors involved in the high speed rail project onto their property.

The payment will be to allow HS2, the company responsible for scheme, to carry out environmental surveys along the route, which will initially run from Euston to Birmingham before being extended to both Manchester and Leeds.

It is the latest move to appease those who live on the route which will see trains hurtling through the Chilterns, Warwickshire and Northamptonshire.

If further inspections are needed additional payments will be made under an agreement reached between HS2, the Country Land and Business Association and the National Farmers Union.

In the case of tenant farmers, the money will be shared with the owner of the land. In addition HS2 will pay for any damage caused to the land as a result of the survey work.

"We recognise that many CLA members would rather HS2 was dropped," said Harry Cotterell, the CLA president. "But now it is confirmed we owe them a duty of care to ensure the work is carried out with as little damage and loss as is possible."

 

High speed bonus...

 

For those who like to imbibe a bit

An 1825 formula that gives you a pint of beer for just 11p a pint has been "discovered".

It was written by ale lover Thomas Denton, who was determined to recreate his favourite tipple, London Porter.

For 72 pints of stout, you will need a peck of barley, 4oz of hops, 7lb of treacle and several gallons of boiling water.

Mr Denton, of Goole, east Yorkshire, also recommended letting the potent brew ferment for seven days.

 

Good luck with that...

Over in the place where Romanians come from

A model with a waist of just 20 inches has insisted she eats three square meals a day, including fatty foods such as crisps, pizza and kebabs.

Ioana Spangenberg, 30, measures in at 5ft 6 inches tall, weighing six stone.

The model told The Sun: 'No one seems to believe it, but every day I eat three big meals and I snack on chocolate and crisps all the time.

'I just have a small stomach. It's a bit like a gastric band, if I eat too much I feel sick'.

Yeah right....

Left to the land of rear exits and the home of the lawsuit

A college student claims he was injured when a fraternity member in a “drunken stupor” decided “that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus,” and did so, “but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in the defendant’s rectum, and this startled the plaintiff and caused him to jump back,” and fall off the fraternity’s deck.

The student is now suing the fraternity, Alpha Tau Omega, for failing to provide a railing for the deck as well as the frat brother who lit the rocket in question.

 Bum deal....

 And finally:

Her Maj’s old bag

And no I am not talking about Charlie’s darling, the secret is out, Sally Bedell Smith, author of Elizabeth the Queen: The Woman Behind The Throne has revealed what is kept in the royal baggage (and no I am not talking about horse face Camilla).

Apparently there is a portable hook, which is used to hang it discreetly under tables, a mirror and lipstick, reading glasses, mint lozenges a fountain pen and a crisply folded £5 note to donate to the church collection on Sundays. 

Now we know...

That’s it: I’m orf to piss in the wind

And today’s thought:

Angus

Gassing up: Gassing down: Money talks: NIMBY Owen Jones: Ferrari box: Biting the bullet: and Iglu-Dorf.

Even colder at the Castle this morn, the butler has stoked the furnace to the brim with drunk, fat teenagers and the ground is so hard that I have had to issue his Maj with a pick so that he can do his business.

Le Lurgy is still hanging around and I have this strange urge to wear a beret and built up shoes.

Over in Eastern Europe things are getting hot

According to “officials” the freezing weather sweeping across Europe has led to a shortage of vital Russian gas supplies to several countries.

Poland, Slovakia, Austria, Hungary, Bulgaria, Romania, Greece and Italy are allegedly seeing gas supplies decrease.

Gazprom, the Russian gas export monopoly, said on Friday it was supplying as much gas as it could spare.

"We are doing everything possible... all the systems are working in a stable manner," spokesman Sergey Komlev said.

Time to get the “Snuggly” out....

And talking of hot air

The new Energy secretary Ed Davey has pledged to tackle soaring power bills in the first few weeks of his new job.

He will set out new plans that will allow homeowners to group together to buy cheap gas and electricity at knock-down rates. Bills have soared over the past five years.

The plans are based on the principles of the ‘Groupon’ website, which features discounted gift certificates for members that can to buy expensive products cheaply.

That’ll help-not....

Meanwhile over in the street where the millionaires live

A Freedom of Information Act request has disclosed that in the year after the general election, £32,651 was spent on refurbishing the Chancellor’s traditional residence and the flat at No 10 where reptilian alien in disguise George (my wallet is so full I have to use a van to move it about) Osborne actually lives.

David Cameron was previously forced to publish details of a £64,000 makeover of the flat in 11 Downing Street, where the Prime Minister and his family live.

Allegedly £32,651 was spent on “maintenance works” at the state rooms, offices and the No 10 flat.

Work carried out specifically on shit faced Osborne’s flat in 10 Downing Street included “electrical works and plumbing, structural improvements, general maintenance and restoration and flooring”.

A Treasury spokesman said last night: “No. 11 Downing Street is a Grade I-listed building and as such the Government is obliged to ensure that it is maintained to an appropriate standard.

 

Ah... the old if it’s old throw money at it excuse-unless you are a pensioner....

Dahn to the land of lurgy

The former head of cosmetics giant L'Oreal, Lindsay Owen-Jones, has asked a court in France to shut down a chip stand near his apartment in the ski resort of Val d'Isere.

Owen-Jones, a British citizen who led L'Oreal from 1988 to 2006, filed a complaint along with three neighbours in October asking a court in nearby Albertville to order the chip stand closed as a neighbourhood nuisance.

The complaint said the stand was a visual, auditory and olfactory nuisance and was violating local planning by-laws. The plaintiffs are also demanding compensation for a decrease in their property values.

 

Because he is worth it.....

Right a whimsy to the land of red F 0.5 motors

Ferrari unveiled their ‘Scuderia Ferrari 2012 single-seater’ on the team’s website after snow disrupted plans to launch in front of a selected audience on Thursday.

However, although Ferrari’s driver Felipe Massa described the new car as ‘aggressive’ looking, F1 enthusiasts flooded social networks and message boards with criticism over the ugly 'boxer's nose' design.

‘Ferrari F2012 is not a looker. Back to ugly noses like the shovel experiments of the 70's,’ said one Twitter user.

‘Ferrari F2012 is one ugly F1 car. Is it the ugliest car to ever wear the Ferrari badge?’ asked another.

Drivers Massa and Fernando Alonso were on hand at the unveiling to chip in with their less than overwhelming take on the new design.

‘We still need to get used to his new nose which is very strange, but apart from the nose the car is very aggressive, very nice, and hope we are going to see a very competitive car from beginning to end,’ said Massa.

While Alonso said: ‘With the new car the first feeling has been very good from the beginning.

'I like the creative shape that we see in this new car and I think when a car surprises you from the first look it is usually a positive thing. I quite like the car, I hope it is fast.'

Designed by BMW?

East to the land of whatever

A 74-year-old man died when he swallowed his dentures during a sex session with a prostitute.

The pensioner collapsed at the end of a 30-minute session with the 62-year-old hooker.

Paramedics rushed to the scene but the man, known as Chen, was pronounced dead by the time he arrived at hospital.

Medical staff later found his dentures stuck in his throat, following the incident in New Taipei City, Taiwan.

The prostitute told authorities: "He fell back onto the bed. His eyes were open but he was not moving although I shook his body and tried to wake him up."

At least he went with a smile in his neck....

And finally: 

Back to the cold bit of Europe

Iglu-Dorf- a concept hotel that offers igloo villages in seven locations in Andorra, Switzerland and Austrian which are rebuilt every year, using 3,000 tons of snow from the Pyrenees and the Alps.

At first, the igloos were built block by block, the old Inuit way, but that took a team of five people two weeks to build just one 8-foot-wide and 8-foot-tall igloo, and they could only open the resorts at the end of January. They had to come up with a faster way, and found balloons were the best option. They filled up these big balloons, covered them up with snow and waited until it hardened, then simply deflate the balloons and voila, perfect igloos.

Although Iglu-Dorf does offer heated rooms with a stove, most of the snow igloos are only equipped with sleeping bags to keep you warm, but there is the cheese fondue fountain, or you can jump into the hot-tub built right in the snow.

Prices start at €99 per night, and go all the way up to €439, on New Year’s Eve.

Think I’ll stay in the Castle…

That’s it: I’m orf to plug the laptop into my rear exit 

And today’s thought:

Angus

Thar’s gold in the FSA: Spent Justice: ASDA cheap and cheerful-not: The Face Slimmer: The Gadabout TM 1050: and where to send your nipples to recover.

Cold enough to freeze the monkey orf its brass balls at the Castle this morn, his Maj managed to go out, do his business and get back in within a minute, the butler has changed the furnace fuel to fat, drunk teenagers because they burn for longer and the mock orange is still in place despite reaching plan “F”.

The Francaise malaise has progressed to the point where I am coughing up snails and have a permanent baguette, and today is the first time I haven’t had to go out somewhere.

Somewhere in the murky depths of the world of money

Allegedly the Financial Services Authority will cost an extra £78million next year, the 15.6% rise, three times the rate of inflation and will take the cost of running the Financial Services Authority from £500million to £578.4million.

This is despite the regulator, which employs 4,000 staff, failing to prevent the crises at Royal Bank of Scotland, Northern Rock and Halifax Bank of Scotland.

Combined with the cost of running three other bodies designed to protect customers, the total bill will rise by £121million to £1.2billion in the 12 months from April.

This is levied on the financial industry but experts warned last night that much of the extra cost will be passed on to consumers through higher fees

Thanks Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition...

And apparently Old Fart Ken Clarke

Has come up with yet another punning clan to allow killers, rapists, burglars and muggers to enter the job market.

The periods after which convicted criminals no longer have to declare their past offending are to be significantly cut in plans outlined by Kenneth Clarke, the Justice Secretary yesterday.

It will mean some rapists and killers who would normally have had a permanent record will now have it cleared after seven years at the most and possibly as low as two years.

Thousands of burglars and muggers will have their records cleared after as little as a year.

The changes centre on the 1974 Rehabilitation of Offenders Act which dictates when a conviction is “spent” and has a sliding timescale depending on the seriousness of the crime.

A “spent” conviction is when the offender no longer has to declare it on occasions such as a job application, insurance forms or visa requests.

Some periods have been cut by four fifths while others that would never have been spent now will be.

The reform means some serious sex and violent offenders could get jobs with the public without having to declare their past or a burglar could work as a plumber or gardener just a year after being punished and not own up.

However, the rules do not apply to those working with children, vulnerable adults or in other sensitive positions which require a formal background check from the Criminal Records Bureau.

Those disclosures reveal all past convictions regardless of whether they are spent or not.

The planned changes have now been added to the Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Bill, which is currently going through parliament.

Thanks again Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition...

Meanwhile with Valentine’s Day fast approaching

ASDA has come up with an “economy” card to send to a fancied one at the cost of 7p,  For just £1, a thrifty card-giver could buy one each for 14 different Valentine’s - and still have 2p change rattling in their pocket.

The supermarket chain even throws in a red envelope.

Featuring the supermarket’s “smart price” logo, the recession-busting card contains the cheeky message: “My love for you is priceless.”

Dead meat.....

East to the place where radiation is obviously affecting some people’s brains

The latest anti ageing gizmo is the Face Slimmer, a rubbery (not a lovely) thing that looks a lot like the mouth of a blow-up doll, and it supposedly solves your sagging face problem while giving you that coveted duck-face look.

Good luck with that-whatever the mouth of a blow up doll looks like...

DIY Time

Ever wanted to be in two places at once, now you can- the Cudworth-Hooper Gadabout TM 1050 is just the thing for you, a “lite-vacuum” time machine that’s economic, energy-efficient, and space-saving. It has “fully automatic space-time configurations and patented Chrono-matic Accuracy,” and is just the thing for short trips through time.

Even though the Gadabout makes time travel simple, there are still dangers involved if you operate the Gadabout improperly, so you’ll want to pay close attention to the red-bordered safety instructions. There are some of the expected warnings, like “do not immerse time machine in water” or “always turn off time machine before any maintenance or repair.” But there are many other warnings that you might not be aware of:

Do not go back in time and attempt to claim invention of time machine.

Do not connect your household vacuum to time machine.

Do not use time machine to determine ovo/Gallus domesticus order.

Do not use time machine as a hot tub.

Do not use time machine as a replacement for a moral compass.

The manual points out the useful features of the Gadabout TM 1050, like the cigar lighter, ice dispenser, and adjustable seat backs. (Ice build-up is a natural consequence of the functioning of the gravitational singularity, so Cudworth-Hooper decided to incorporate that into an ice dispenser which you can use to freshen up your passengers’ drinks.) The troubleshooting section covers what to do if you discover two of yourself when you arrive at a destination, accidentally kill your grandfather, or get stuck in a time loop. However, you’ll want to pay close attention to instructions about checking the battery charge, because there doesn’t seem to be any solution for failure of the dimensional collapse. (Recommended action: “exit the Gadabout immediately and seek shelter. If possible, communicate any final messages to loved ones.”)

So get on line and place your order for the DIY manual, a snip at $44.95 (or even cheaper if you pop back to 1953 when it was first printed) and find out if Time Travel is a breeze...but don’t forget to take your left handed smoke shifter with you.

And finally: 

Sore nipples? Send them here.

That’s it: I’m orf to collect all the moss in the garden just in case...

And today’s thought:

Angus