Blighty is broke: Fuelling poverty: Golf gamble: Lexicon of regionalisms: Winnebago parking: and Rhubarb, rhubarb.

Warm and wet with a whimsy of opaque air at the Castle this morn, the fallic Glu has really taken hold again-I have this urge to find a Portuguese Tart and I am up to three boxes of Lemsip’s a week.

According to

Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I can’t find my purse) Osborne has finally discovered that the Government 'has run out of money' and cannot afford debt-fuelled tax cuts or extra spending.

George (I want to go back to my own planet) reckons that there is little the Coalition can do to stimulate the economy.

So after what seems like a decade in “power” George (I may have to sack two servants) has laid the blame on “that lot who spent all the dosh”-Labour for his lack of fiscal know how. 

But George (My pension would only be £32,977) has decided that he will stand firm on his effort to balance the books by refusing to borrow money. “Any tax cut would have to be paid for, in other words there would have to be a tax rise somewhere else or a spending reduction.”

“In other words what we are not going to do in this Budget is borrow more money to either increase spending or cut taxes.”

In other words George-fuck orf and take the rest of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition with you....

And just to add another joy to existing in Blighty

According to “campaigners” more than nine million households will be living in fuel poverty within four years unless the Government directs £4bn a year from carbon taxes to families in greatest need.

More Britons die every year from living in a cold home than on the roads, they said, with the situation expected to worsen sharply because of soaring utility bills.

A new study has revealed that there are a million more households already living in fuel poverty compared with previous estimates, taking the total to 6.4 million. The study, by energy efficiency experts Camco, suggests that the total will hit 9.1 million by 2016.

A petition is being launched today at www.energybillrevolution.org to raise support for the Energy Bill Revolution campaign. It is already backed by more than 50 charities, unions, consumer groups and businesses, including Save the Children, the National Pensioners' Convention, Consumer Focus and the Co-operative Group.

The good news is-actually there isn’t any......

East to the bit of land between the top and bottom bits of Korea

Is Camp Bonifas’ golf course in Panmunjom, featuring only one hole — a 192-yard par 3 —designed to give some of the 50 soldiers stationed there a bit of entertainment.

Instead of “members only” signs there is a nice reminder- “Danger! Do not retrieve balls from the rough; live mine fields” greets visitors before they step onto the course, which contains an Astroturf putting green and, for some reason, a gun tower.

The minefields surround the hole, and at least one mine is said to have exploded due to an errant slice.

The course was named after U.S. Army Captain Arthur Bonifas, who was one of the few American soldiers killed during the ax murder incident of 1978.

I can think of a few sideboard Ministers that should try it-after the sign has been removed...

West to the home of the accent and the land of the other English language

Language lovers are celebrating the nation's diverse and colourful lexicon with the soon-to-be-published final volume of the Dictionary of American Regional English, also known by its acronym, DARE.

Which contains such gems as- a drinking fountain is called a bubbler in Wisconsin, a dry-land fish to Kentuckians and Tennesseans is an edible mushroom. A tadpole is a pinkwink on Cape Cod. And a toad-strangler in the Gulf States is a turd-floater in Texas and Oklahoma and a fence-lifter in the Ozarks; all three describe a heavy rain.

And ask for a pickle in Nebraska and you might get a lottery ticket.

Super, as the old saying goes- Blighty and America-Two nations divided by a common language

Still in the place where parking spaces are at a premium

Fishermen participating in the annual Lake Winnebago ice fishing contest over the weekend found themselves scouting for their modes of transportation after 36 parked vehicles went through the ice, authorities said Sunday.

"We had some cars that got wet," a dispatcher with the Winnebago County Sheriff's Department said. "We had cars parked on the ice like it was a parking lot. Usually they do park out on the ice. That's not unusual. It's just that they parked too close together. It was too much for the ice conditions this year."

Tournament organizers for the Battle on Bago reportedly warned people about parking on the ice Saturday, but some had trouble finding spots elsewhere and parked on the lake anyway. Of about 50 cars parked on the ice, four were submerged more than half way, 18 were partially submerged, and 14 sunk to the top of their wheels, according to the sheriff's department.

"They all started early in the morning. Throughout the day with the sun and everything else, vehicles started to sink," the dispatcher explained.

The ice was about a foot thick.

The lake is shallow where the cars were parked, and tow trucks were called in to pull out the cars. No one was in the vehicles and no one was injured, the dispatcher said.

The tournament was Friday and Saturday. Sturgeon spearing season on Lake Winnebago ends Sunday.

Several other cars had broken through the ice earlier in the month, authorities said.

  

Probably thought the ‘no parking’ sign meant ‘car wash’ in Wisconsin...

And finally:
 

Back in burgled Blighty

The woodentops in the Smoke has published a list of 30 plants that can help homeowners protect their gardens from thieves, including giant rhubarb and gooseberry bushes.

The guidelines on "How to stop garden thieves" state that people can 'make their home more secure' by planting giant rhubarb - which has 'abrasive foliage' - and 'spiny' gooseberry bushes.

The advice - which even gives the Latin name for the plants and bushes - states: "Your garden, as well as your house, has valued possessions that thieves would love to steal.

"It also has equipment that could help them break into your house.

"Most burglars are lazy. They look for easy ways of getting into a house or garden (and) by taking a few simple precautions you can reduce the risk of being burgled and make your house and garden more secure."

It then lists all 30 plants, stating 'Here are some suggestions for plants to use', adding jokingly: "We have tried to identify the plants mentioned by their correct botanical name, but we cannot guarantee that the plant you buy will not grow into a small, fragrant flowering shrub with no more thorns than a daisy."

Here are some of the Mets suggestions:

Creeping Juniper, Blue Spruce, Common Holly, Giant Rhubarb, Golden Bamboo, Chinese Jujube, Firethorn, Shrub Rose, Pencil Christmas Tree, Juniper, Purple Berberis, Mountain Pine, Blue Pine, Oleaster, Blackthorn and the Fuschia-flowered Gooseberry.

And you could also have Aralia, Chaenomeles, Colletia, Crataegus (including hawthorn/may), Hippophae (sea buckthorn), Maclura, Mahonia, Oplopanax, Osmanthus, Poncirus, Rhamnus, Rosa (climbing & shrub roses), Rubus (bramble), Smilax Prickly ash (Zanthoxylum).

And in many years you will have a burglar proof garden-I prefer the electrified fence but I have got a twelve foot mock orange-if you can dig the bloody thing up you can have it.....

That’s it: I’m orf to get some new specs

And today’s thought:

Golfcraft carrier.

And now back to bed...

Angus

Boris lets rip: McApprenticeships: Big banana de-daw: How big is the Universe and everything?: We are all doomed!: and Home to a TV relay mast.

Warm, wet and wibbly at the Castle this morn, I carried out yet more vandalism on the mock orange yestermorn with my giant “pruners”-it’s still there.

The Fallic Glu has returned with a vengeance-I have this urge to change my francs for Euros.

And after a trip to Tesco for stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food I am going back to the four poster.

According to Boris

The loony Left had reached rock bottom, there are so-called socialists in London who are now taking active steps to scupper young people’s chances of finding employment.

They are told they can’t get a job unless they have some work experience; and they can’t get any work experience unless someone is willing to give them a job.

“The Coalition has come up with a scheme to help them into places of work, and to give them at least some of the confidence and the credentials they crave. Instead of just drawing benefits and sitting at home, waiting for their luck to change, they are given the option – the option – of getting some practical understanding of what it is like to be an employee. Since January last year about 34,000 people aged 16-24 have been given their Jobseeker’s Allowance and travel costs while doing work experience in a huge range of businesses. They are not forced to do it, and they can pull out of it within a week if they don’t like it – with no loss of benefits.”

Sounds good Boris.

 

But-according to the Mirror

McDonald's has ­pocketed £10million of public money for an ­apprenticeship scheme ...but has not created a single new job with it.

Instead, the multi-national fast-food giant has spent the whole sum on ­“career progression” for 18,000 existing staff.

A Sunday Mirror investigation has found that among nine other major firms which take the most money from the scheme, ­£20million has been spent to create just 2,559 new jobs.

With unemployment hitting 2.67million PM David Cameron has pushed apprenticeships as a way to get young people back into work. In July he revamped the Skills Funding Agency to work directly with employers and recently said: “Apprenticeships are at the heart of the kind of economy we want to build: one where many more young people have the chance to learn a proper trade.”

Taxpayers have so far paid out £30,934,034 to create jobs which cost £12,088 each. But anyone on an appren­tice’s minimum wage takes home just £5,200 a year

A McDonald’s spokesman said: “Our apprenticeships’ scheme is about supporting and enabling career progression, not job ­creation. Since we started our apprenticeships programme, 11,000 employees have ­completed it and a further 7,000 employees are currently studying towards the qualification.

“We invest £36million every year in ­training. Like many UK employers, we receive some government funding in addition to our own investment, which enables us to adapt our training into nationally ­recognised, transferable qualifications.”

She said the firm hoped to create 2,500 new jobs this year

Glad I never “eat” at McDonalds....

North of the border

A terrified shop worker screamed when she found a venomous spider crawling out of a bunch of bananas.

The Asda worker discovered the ctenidae spider, commonly known as the banana spider, on Tuesday.

A colleague at the supermarket in Chesser, Edinburgh managed to get the adult female and its 10cm leg span into a plastic jar and called the Scottish SPCA.

Animal rescue officer Fiona Thorburn collected the spider and took it to Edinburgh Butterfly and Insect World. However, the creature died overnight.

Ms Thorburn said: “The spider was found in a box of bananas that originated from Colombia. Although she was not very large, she was quite an impressive-looking creature, so we can understand why the person who found her let out a loud scream.

Kevin Thom, from Edinburgh Butterfly and Insect World, said they often get exotic spiders handed in to them from shops which receive deliveries from abroad.

He added: “It isn’t deadly but its venom contains high levels of serotonin. If bitten you would experience pain, swelling, muscle spasms and flu-like symptoms which could be very unpleasant depending on the amount of venom that was injected.

“These spiders can survive transport from abroad by shutting down and becoming very cold. They awaken when they warm up which is often under bright shop lights.

 Glad I don’t shop as Asda...

Dahn Unda

Someone has worked out why the universe is 95 billion light years across when it has only been in existence for approx 14.3 billion years.

According to Professor Paul Francis from the Australian National University's Mount Stromlo Observatory  the best estimate for the age of the universe from the Big Bang to now is 13.75 billion years give or take 0.11 billion years.

If the universe was static, you would theoretically be able to see 13.75 billion light years in any direction because that's how far photons moving at the speed of light (about 300,000 kilometres per second in a vacuum) have travelled since shortly after the universe began.

With Earth at the centre of the cosmos from our point of view, that would make the universe about 28.5-billion light-years wide.

But the universe isn't static.

"[Since the Big Bang] the universe and space-time itself has been expanding,"

"We know space is expanding it's getting bigger and by extrapolating that backwards we can work out when everything we see was in the same place, and that gives us a rough age of the universe."

"The trouble is the universe may not have been expanding at the same rate, so extrapolating backwards may not be very accurate," says Francis.

According to Francis, the universe is currently expanding at 70 kilometres per second per mega-parsec (1 parsec is 3.26 light-years or 31 trillion kilometres).

Yeah right-my brain hurts....

Left to the land of the end of the world

Relatively mild drought conditions may have been enough to cause the collapse of the Classic Maya civilisation, which flourished until about AD950 in what is now southern Mexico and Guatemala.

Scientists have long thought that severe drought caused its collapse.

But Mexican and British researchers now think that a sustained drop in rainfall of only 25-40% was enough to exhaust seasonal water supplies in the region.

The findings were published in the journal Science.

The research was conducted by the Yucatan Centre for Scientific Research in southern Mexico and the University of Southampton in the UK.

Scientists used advanced modelling techniques to estimate rainfall and evaporation rates between AD800 and 950, when the classic Maya civilisation went into sharp decline.

They found that a relatively modest decline in rainfall was enough to deplete freshwater storage systems in the Yucatan lowlands, where there are no rivers.

That’s us in the Sarf East stuffed then.....

And finally:

 

Dahn in Welsh Wales

There is a Bungalow for sale with 'superb county and coastal view', According to the estate agent’s particulars; the bungalow commands superb country and coastal views across a swathe of the Irish Sea.

The three-bedroom bungalow, near Llanddona on the island of Anglesey, north Wales, is on the market for just under £200,000.

Its selling agents, Williams and Goodwin, are gushing in their description of the property.

They say: “An excellent opportunity to acquire a detached bungalow, situated in an exceptional elevated position enjoying superb coastline views over Anglesey towards Point Lynas.

''The property offers tremendous opportunity for further expansion subject to the necessary consents and is situated in a generous sized garden bordering onto and overlooking open countryside. Viewing recommended.”

What they don’t mention is the 350ft high TV mast and sub-station standing only a few yards from the property’s back garden.

 

Viewing is recommended-but at least you will be able to get decent digital reception...

That’s it: I’m orf to un-jam my GPS 

And today’s thought:

Angus

Western water: Tight Tories: Frankfurt sausage scene: cooking with poo: and a whiff of Rosemary.

Dark, damp and decidedly dismal at the Castle this morn, the butler is back shoving fat teenagers into the furnace, the mock orange is still in situ and I am running out of letters.

Left to the counties past Zomerzet

Apparently water bill payers in the West Country are to receive £50 a year from the Government under plans to be unveiled this week.

David Cameron says financial help is needed because the region has "paid unfair charges to provide clean beaches for many of us who do not live in the South West". Thirty per cent of England's coast is within Devon and Cornwall, but the bill is picked up by just 3 per cent of the population.

And I should subsidize them because?

Right a smidge to the city of screaming pyres

An Oxford Tory club has been expelled by the University after it failed to pay a £1,200 charity black tie dinner bill at Cavalry and Guards Club where Liam Fox was guest of honour.

The charity dinner boasted a party frontbencher as guest of honour and appeared perfect to reinforce the Oxford University Conservative Association’s status as a training ground for Cabinet ministers.

Instead, it has led to the 88-year-old society suffering the indignity of being stripped of its university recognition after the bill went unpaid.

The association, which counts Baroness Thatcher as its patron, has lost the right to use Oxford’s name after it failed to settle a £1,200 debt for the black-tie banquet, attended by the former defence secretary Dr Liam Fox.

The society, whose former members include five current Cabinet ministers, held the dinner for 32 in support of the Army Benevolent Fund at the Cavalry and Guards Club on Pall Mall in June 2009.

 

Wonder where Werritty is......

Right even more

On the boardroom floor of the Frankfurt headquarters of Commerzbank in Germany is the loo with a view, male Wbankers can literally take the piss from a great height.

Yesterday, a debt-for-equity swap was announced by Commerzbank and is already being eyed by other European banks as a potential blueprint to improve their balance sheet.

The other thing about it is that it is high enough to do some damage if it all goes tits up.....

Somewhere on the globe

Cooking with Poo and Estonian Sock Patterns All Around the World are just two of the bizarre books up for the prize of the oddest book title of the year.

In its native Thailand the title of the cook book by Saiyuud Diwong is not as strange as it sounds, as 'Poo' means 'Crab' and is also the chef's nickname.

Aino Praakli's book on socks is also shortlisted alongside The Great Singapore Penis Panic: And the Future of American Mass Hysteria by Scott D Mendelson, which details the 'Koro' psychiatric epidemic that hit the island of Singapore in 1967.

Mr Andoh's Pennine Diary Memoirs of a Japanese Chicken Sexer in 1935 Hebden Bridge by Stephen Curry and Takayoshi Andoh is also in the running for the odd accolade.

Taxonomy of Office Chairs, The Mushroom in Christian Art and A Century of Sand Dredging in the Bristol Channel: Volume Two are also among the favourites.

 

Must pop dahn to W.H. Smiths...

And finally: 

Brain cell struggling with that puzzle book?

Worry not, allegedly the smell of rosemary could enhance your time on a crossword puzzle, a component of rosemary oil in the bloodstream is the reason.

You can also use this magical substance to rinse your hair and repel cats.

In the study, a cohort of 20 subjects were exposed to varying levels of the aroma, and then given a battery of cognitive tests and mood assessments. Apparently the cognitive performance of the subjects increased, with a corresponding mood increase of lesser magnitude. However, the real surprise came when the blood tests were processed.

The results showed absorption of 1,8-coneole into the bloodstream, meaning the natural compound was absorbed through the nose and into the blood plasma. For Moss, this means there is a more traditional biochemical explanation for the increased cognitive performances previously demonstrated. 

I don’t know anyone called Rosemary, and if I did I don’t think I would want to smell her.....

That’s it: I’m orf to check out Norwegian fjord rock disposal

And today’s thought:

Tits up Banker

Angus

No fuel like an alien reptile fuel: Sin bin schools: Grounded old farts: Gas bags: The last glass eye maker: and The Vulgar Tongue dictionary.

Warmish and more than wettish at the Castle this morn, the fallic glu is still hanging on-I have this urge to buy a Gite and start brewing moonshine, the butler is enjoying the lack of fat teenager insertions into the furnace, and his Maj has discovered the joy of ambush from the kitchen windowsill.

And I popped dahn to a local plant place to replace the mock orange, parking was bit iffy...

As we look forward to next month’s budget

Alien reptile in disguise George (I need hearing aids in both ears) Osborne has allegedly decided that he won’t cut fuel duty.

Diesel prices hit 143.5p this week and a planned rise in fuel duty in the forthcoming budget has led to calls for protests at Westminster next month.

The Chancellor is set to raise fuel duty by 3p in August, after having deferred the rise from January. But his aides have said that the rise must go ahead as planned, in order to fund business tax cuts demanded by many in the Conservative Party. "Petrol prices have remained within a 5p range for some time," an aide to Knob head Osborne told the Financial Times.

"The price is a lot lower than it would have otherwise been if we had not intervened. We have no plans to change what we said at the autumn statement."

I would like to point out that I didn’t vote this load of shirt lifting tosspots into power-then again nor did anyone else...

And the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Has come up with yet another spiffing plan-Disruptive children are to be educated in “sin bin” schools that will concentrate on basic skills with longer teaching days.

Ministers will this week announce that the schools, to be known as pupil referral units, will be able to become academies with the power to set their own timetables, curriculum and staff wages.

They are designed to tackle what ministers have branded the “educational underclass”.

Head teachers have already been given powers to make it easier to expel unruly children. It is hoped that the disruptive pupils can be moved more quickly to the special units.

Bet there won’t be a stampede to move to those catchment areas....

Still in age related Blighty

The British Civil Aviation Authority said a LOT Polish Airlines flight from London to Warsaw was grounded when both pilots were found to be over 60.

The agency said inspectors had the flight grounded at London's Heathrow airport and passengers had to wait 5 hours for a reserve pilot to be flown in from Poland after inspectors discovered both pilots were over the age of 60, a violation of international air regulations, The Daily Telegraph reported Friday.

In 2006 the International Civil Aviation Authority required pilots over the age of 60 to be paired with pilots under 60 after it extended the maximum age to 65.

They could always get jobs as plumbers....

East to the land of wooden cutlery

At an oil/gas well near the west end of Huanghe 12th street in Binzhou, Shandong Province, oodles of villagers were using large plastic bags to carry natural gas.

On the morning of the 20th, when reporters first arrived, the oil extraction machinery was operating normally; a gas canister and large gas furnace were beside the machine with no people standing guard. At 10 am, a middle aged woman brought a large plastic bag to the machine. The woman skilfully opened the valve to the gas and connected it to the bag she was carrying; the plastic bag quickly rose and grew to be a 6 meter long, 1 meter wide balloon. After about 4 minutes the bag was full.

According to reports, there is more than one oil well in Binzhou; many other villages near oil/gas wells also had cases of villages self-filling gas. “Some villages directly connect the oil pipe to the village and divide it among the household. Once there was a power outage to the pipeline, uninformed villages continue to use gas to burn stoves, by the time the pipeline came back on, the rush of gas ignited the fires causing an explosion,” recalled an oil worker at Shengli Oil Field in Binzhou.

 

No wonder my gas bill is so bleedin high….

Back in Blighty where the one eyed man is king

In a tiny room in a north London suburb, Jost Haas makes a glass eye.

He holds a glass tube over a Bunsen burner, twirling it constantly, blows through the molten glass, and turns it into a sphere.

Haas uses coloured glass sticks to match the colour of the eye - not just the pattern of the iris, but the red veins of the sclera.

He also has to make the glass eye fit the shape of Dan's bad eye, and there is only one chance to get it right.

A glass eye is not a large solid marble. It is a hollow half sphere, a thin shell that fits over the non-working eye, if it is still there. Otherwise it goes over a ball that has been surgically implanted into the eye socket and attached to the eye muscles.

Most prosthetic eyes will have a degree of movement.

Haas is from Germany, which has always made the finest glass eyes. He came here in the 1960s. But now he is close to retirement, and when he switches off his Bunsen burner for good there will be no more glass eye makers in Britain.

Thank him/her upstairs for acrylics then...

And finally: 

Somewhere on the interweb

When it was published in 1811 by soldier Francis Grose the Dictionary of the Vulgar Tongue was a hit but now it is getting tongues wagging again after being published online.

It was first available when Britain was under threat from Napoleon but it has now been re-published for free at the Project Gutenberg online digital library.

The book includes gems such as 'ace of spades' for a widow, 'all-a-mort' to be struck dumb, and 'angling for farthings', which means to beg out of a prison window with a cap or box.

Or:

ABBESS: Mistress of a brothel.

BABES IN THE WOOD: Criminals in stocks or pillory.

BLIND CUPID: Backside.

BOB TAIL: Lewd woman. Also an impotent man or a eunuch.

BREAD AND BUTTER FASHION: One upon the other. "John and his maid were caught lying bread and butter fashion."

COLD PIG: Punishment inflicted on "sluggards" who lie too long in bed — pulling off all the bedclothes and throwing cold water on them.

COW-HEARTED: Fearful.

DOCK: Lie with a woman.

DUGS: Woman's breasts.

ELBOW SHAKER: A dice player.

FLASH THE HASH: Vomit.

GLAZIER: Someone who breaks windows to steal goods for sale.

GOSPEL SHOP: Church.

HEMPEN WIDOW: One whose husband was hanged.

HOYDON: Romping girl.

INEXPRESSIBLES: Breeches.

JOLLY: The head.

KING'S PICTURES: Coin, money.

LEFT-HANDED WIFE: Concubine. Based on an ancient German custom where, when a man married his concubine or a woman greatly his inferior, he gave her his left hand.

NOISY DOG RACKET: Stealing brass knockers from doors.

OVEN: Great mouth.

PIECE: Wench. A girl who is more or less active and skilful in the amorous congress.

POISONED: Big with child.

QUEER PLUNGERS: Cheats who throw themselves into the water in order that they may be taken up by their accomplices, who carry them to one of the houses appointed by the Humane Society for the recovery of drowned persons, where they are rewarded by the society with a guinea.

RESURRECTION MEN: Persons employed by the students in anatomy to steal dead bodies out of churchyards.

RUM DOXY: Fine wench.

SHOOT THE CAT: Vomit from excess of liquor.

SHY COCK: One who keeps within doors for fear of bailiffs.

SNOOZING KEN: Brothel.

STRIP ME NAKED: Gin.

TIT: Horse or smart little girl.

TWIDDLE-DIDDLES: Testicles.

TWIDDLE POOP: Effeminate-looking fellow.

UNLICKED CUB: Rude, uncouth young fellow.

VAMPER: Stockings.

WINDOW PEEPER: Collector of window tax.

XANTIPPE: Socrates’ wife, a shrew or scolding wife.

YELLOW BOYS: Guineas.

ZEDLAND: Great part of the West Country where the letter Z is substituted for S.

My favourite is TWIDDLE POOP- a perfect description of U-Turn Cam, What’s his name Glegg and Alien reptile in disguise- George (I’ve lost my handbag) Osborne.

That’s it: I’m orf to get a TV filter.

And today’s thought:

Should have gorn to Specsavers.

Angus

Bus pass grab: the Naked Sledging World Cup: Are you a Hyperpolyglot: Space elevator: Bog standard desk: and Big de-daws.

Warm, non wettish and much less wobbly at the Castle this morn, the butler has turned orf the furnace-until tomorrow, and I managed to venture into the garden to try plan “P” on the mock orange “tree”; it’s still there....

But there are a few flowers enjoying the lack of cold.

According to The Social Market Foundation

The best way to get bankrupt Blighty back on the straight and narrow is to take away pensioners bus passes because they are a low-priority item of spending that did nothing to improve the economy and should be scrapped.

Other “ideas” are taking away winter fuel payments and free television licences from wealthier pensioners.

And another £1 billion could be found by preventing savers from keeping any more than £15,000 in tax-free ISAs and £2.4 billion from means testing child benefit payments.

That’ll work-stopping pensioners from being able to get to the town to spend what is left of their pittance will really boost the economy....

Right a bit to the land of BMW boxes

Porn actress Mia Magma is a big winner as 25,000 packed a German village to watch the 'nude winter Olympics’

Organisers said 25-year-old was "too naked and too fast for everyone else" as she conquered the 291-foot course in temperatures just above zero. 

One way to make a point-or two...

Back in multi lingual Blighty

Ray Gillon speaks 18 languages. To be precise, he only speaks eight fluently. His grasp on the other 10 is merely conversational.

Throw anything at him in Portuguese, Thai, Turkish, Russian, Polish, Dutch, Danish, Norwegian, Bulgarian or Mandarin and he will banter back.

In the UK, where there has been a growing anxiety over the failure to learn additional languages, Gillon might seem to be a bit of an anomaly. More and more children have been giving up languages since the last government made learning foreign languages optional in England from the age of 14.

Apparently;

Up to 7,000 different languages are estimated to be spoken around the world.

Mandarin Chinese, English, Spanish, Hindi, Arabic, Bengali, Russian, Portuguese, Japanese, German and French are world's most widely spoken languages, according to UNESCO

English is related to German and Dutch, and all are part of Indo-European family of languages

2,200 of the world's languages can be found in Asia, while Europe has 260

 

I ‘ave enough trouble with English, but who says you can’t learn anyfing on this blog.....

East to the land of things that glow

A Japanese construction firm claimed Wednesday it could execute an out-of-this-world plan to put tourists in space within 40 years by building an elevator that stretches a quarter of the way to the moon.

Obayashi Corp claims it could use carbon nanotube technology, which is more than 20 times stronger than steel, to build a lift shaft 96,000 kilometres (roughly 60,000 miles) above the Earth.

The company said it would carry up to 30 passengers at a time and travel at a speed of 200 kilometres per hour for a week, stopping off at a station at 36,000 kilometres.

That’s one way to get away from the radiation...

Up a bit and left a whimsy

One inventor believes he has found the perfect way to salvage unwanted toilets - by turning them into desks for local schoolchildren.

Loo manufacturer Gao Jianguo discovered a way to transform these bog standard unused toilets into fully functional desks by turning one lavatory's cistern lid into portable lap desks.

Alternatively students can sit on top of the toilet seat backwards and work from a fixed position.

Gao, from Shijiazhuang, northern China, has now donated hundreds of the wacky toilet desks to local schools in the area.

Flushed with success-still it might do away with toilet breaks....

And finally: 

Apparently according to Journal of Anxiety Disorders

The more you fear a spider the bigger it will appear to be, according to new research.

A study of arachnophobes found the worse their condition the larger they estimated the creepy crawlies size.

The irrational fear of spiders is believed to affect as many as half of women and girls, and up to one in six males.

And the latest findings explain why many sufferers hold out their arms shrieking "it was that big" when the reality of the situation turns out to be much less scary.

Psychologist Professor Michael Vasey, of Ohio State University, said: "If one is afraid of spiders, and by virtue of being afraid of spiders one tends to perceive spiders as bigger than they really are, that may feed the fear, foster that fear, and make it difficult to overcome."

“One” always has a rolled up newspaper to hand....... 

That’s it: I’m orf to sort out the Oscillation Project with Emulsion-Racking Apparatus’s wiring.

And today’s thought:

Non nude sledding.

  

Angus

Dear, old NHS: Centrica cashes in: USA UFO: Big Lobster: No pants out East: and Mirror, mirror.

Damp, dismal and a fair amount of positive numbers in the liquid metal gauge at the castle this morn, the Fallic Glu still has its hold on moi, I am “glowing” a bit more than gently and have just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, still dodging the internet robots and watching as the total on the receipt climb to new heights. 

Bit late today-having all sorts of problems with the interweb thingy..

In old, decrepit Blighty

It seems that our NHS may need an emergency cash bailout before the next general election.

And apparently it is all the fault of us old farts: Alien reptile in disguise George (you are all in it, but we are still rich) Osborne reckons that despite the £20 billion cuts and “extra money” for the old girl there will not be enough to provide care for the growing number of elderly patients and meet the rising cost of advanced medical treatments.

Well, excuse me for not shuffling orf this mortal coil.....

Still in the warm wet UK

British gas has seen a 30% fall in operating profits at its residential energy division to a mere £522m.

The firm blamed lower consumption due to good weather and improvements in energy efficiency.

"2011 was a tough year, both for Centrica and our customers," said chief executive Sam Laidlaw.

 I don’t consider a £522m profit “tough”; more like a rip orf....

Left to the home of the unknown and the land of logos

Footage claiming to feature the best UFO sighting ever recorded has been released on YouTube.

Reported to have been captured from a moving car near Roswell, New Mexico – the site of one of the most controversial conspiracy theory incidents in US history − the clip has been viewed over 10,000 times.

Stephen Hannard, of Alien Disclosure Group UK, uploaded the eerie recording of the flying saucer.

He commented: “Possible leaked footage of a UFO arriving then landing at an unknown location in New Mexico.”

His speculation continued: “Could be one of ours, CGI, or could be the real deal. As Always You Decide.”

Odd thing is that this “UFO” seems to have the American “star” on it.

Up a smidge to one of the fishing bits of the States

A giant 27-pound lobster has been caught off the Maine coast, but it won't be going into a pot of boiling water.

Maine State Aquarium Director Aimee Hayden-Rodriques says Cushing shrimp fisherman Robert Malone caught the monster crustacean in his nets Friday. He gave it to the Department of Marine Resources to deliver to the aquarium, which the DMR operates in Boothbay Harbour.

The beast weighed in at 27 pounds and measured nearly 40 inches long. It was dubbed Rocky because it was caught in the Rockland area, but Hayden-Rodriquez says it could have been named for Rocky the boxer because its claws are big enough to pack quite a punch.

Hayden-Rodriquez says Rocky will soon be released into the ocean because he'll fare better in the wild.

Rocky go home....

East to the land of pants

Last week in Taiwan, a gaggle of young girls flaunted their assets on Taipei’s MRT subway line — all in the name of saving the world, of course. Mirroring the famed “No Pants Subway Ride” that has exploded in popularity in New York due to the efforts of groups like Improv Everywhere, the women (and some men) bared legs and smiles to a sea of gawkers in order to raise environmental awareness.

The group boarded the MRT at 9am to the shock of commuters and workers alike, and were surrounded by cameras in no time. When asked about their motives, they responded that they wanted to inject some excitement and liberation into their normally monotonous life, while also promoting energy conservation and reduction of carbon emissions (presumably by attracting attention to Taiwan’s MRT).

Nothing to do with getting on the telly then.....

And finally:

Left a fair way and up a bit

Every year, for 84 days in a row, the sun would disappear behind a 1,600-meter high mountain in the town of Viganella. As a result, the town with 197 inhabitants would be plunged into near-total darkness.

Thanks to the work of Midali, a large eight metres wide by five metres tall mirror has just been installed in November to bring light to this town during winter.

Workers also installed a powerful "altazimuth" computer that would move the mirror around so as to capture the sun's rays and convey them on the town's square for up to eight hours a day

That’ll bugger up the Leccy companies profits....

That’s it: I’m orf to see if I can get cheaper water.

And today’s thought:

Eggstaterrestrial

Angus