Thursday 22 March 2012

Budget Wibble- See how you are being screwed: Flying Dutchman; and he’s not a lumberjack....


Finally, finally managed to find the time and strength to put finger to keyboard, been a busy week-oodles of vandalism in the garden (photos to follow) and after two days in the car orspital having all its stopping bits replaced the Honda has passed its MOT at the cost of an arm and a leg (plus other body parts).
Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food (which has gorn up by 50p since last week) run dahn Tesco-only another few months till Morrisons opens.

 And yet again apologies to those who have commented/emailed-I will get round to it...




Not a lot-typical Tory thinking-give those on more than enough even more, have yet another go at smokers, drinkers, drivers and the old.
But if you can summon up the energy click on these links to find out how you will do.


Or



And then have a cogitate about who we didn’t vote into office...




Allegedly British university educated engineer Jarno Smeets claims to have achieved birdlike flight with a set of man-made wings in a video that has spread rapidly around the internet.
Claiming to have based his bird-like contraption on sketches from his grandfather, the project can be traced from its origins on the Dutch mechanical engineer's website.
After studying at the University of Coventry, Mr Smeets claims to have worked with neuromechanics expert Bert Otten to create a design based on the mechanics used in robotic prosthetics which helps to give his muscles extra strength.
However, according to the former Coventry student, his own body strength was only capable of providing five per cent of the necessary power so to make up the shortfall he fitted extra motors to the wing suit.
When he landed after the 60-second flight, he said: “At one moment you see the ground moving away and then suddenly you’re free, a really intense feeling of freedom.
 The true feeling of flying; A ******* magical moment. The best feeling I have felt in my life.”
 

Good luck with that....Studied in Coventry-isn’t that in the area where “that’ll do” British Leyland was based-and we all know how well that went...


And even more finally (for a while):



An amateur lumberjack has been caught on video trying to cut down a huge tree just feet from his home - with disastrous consequences.

In the clip, uploaded to YouTube, four wedges are driven into the trunk before the man takes to the evergreen tree with an axe.

Seconds later, the creaking and groaning of timber can be heard - before the giant conifer slowly crashes down directly onto the one story house.

The axe man seems 'stumped' for a moment and then shouts, "my house!" and a few seconds later "my bedroom!" along with “shit”.
 

I do love a Numpty...


 

And today‘s thought:


Nature does flying much better.



Angus


Sunday 18 March 2012

The wrong trousers: Tory Wibble Wankers: and Up-up and not away...


‘tis pleasant at the Castle this morn, sunny, warmish, calm and clement, finally finished the second course of non-penicillin antibiotics a couple of days ago, feeling much, much better and able to put digit to keyboard once again (told you not to get excited..) and apologies to those friends who commented/emailed with nice things to say and whom I ignored over the last week or so.

Not quite firing on all cylinders yet but there will be a post every couple of days...

And I have a Dedaw in the garden.




It seems that according to Auntie the biggest story of the Sabbath is that some overpaid foreign ballerina has managed to have a heart attack whilst chasing a bag full of air around a bit of grass; look, sorry for the poor bloke he is only in his twenties but such is life, there are far more important things to worry about such as the state of Blighty, the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition, where are all my missing socks and why is “Royal Mail” so useless as delivering things.



Son of a B......aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I want to cut my own tax bill) Osborne allegedly wants to scrap the 50% tax on those poor souls who earn more than £150,000 per annus horriblis.
Supposedly it was going to produce revenue of £2.6 billion, which is likely to be reduced to several hundred million when the Treasury completes its sums.
So it seems that the Chancer wants to help those who have more than a lot but doesn’t want to reduce VAT, go juice or other fuel prices.


Typical Tory-can’t see the economy for the cost of living...



And finally in this truncated post:



A 1954 Aerocar is being sold by Rockford, Illinois-based Company Courtesy Aircraft as one of only five which are known to still exist today.
And you could own it for a measly £800,000.
Despite being 'out of warranty' the collector's item could prove to be a popular investment, although it is in need of some maintenance as its last inspection was over 14 years ago and it has not taken to the sky in quite a while.
The Wall Street Journal reported that the flying car is not missing any major parts and is still in a good enough condition to see it take flight again.
With enough room to take two people up into the clouds, the 150-horsepower vehicle has a cruising speed of 100mph and a 300-mile range.


Or you could buy a Honda and save £790,000 to spend on petrol...





And today’s thought:

There are some good points to budget cuts.



Angus

Sunday 11 March 2012

Wibble Wankers: Korean Kamikazes: Hanging out in Lima: and More Wibble Wankers.


Coldish, cloudyish and calmish at the castle this morn, after almost two weeks of rest and recuperation which included five days in the four poster sniffing, sneezing, sweating coughing, farting, vomiting and expelling stuff from the rear exit; a course of non penicillin antibiotics, more than a lot of Lemsips and gallons of Tussis medicine I have finally managed to fire up the laptop and see if my one remaining brain cell is capable of stringing more than two words together.

Don’t get too excited-this is a “practise” post, just to see.....


Anyway: 


Where that bunch of gutless, lying, backstabbing, unelected bunch of purveyors of Wibble otherwise known as the LibDems have gathered to try to convince themselves that they are actually in power.

U-Turn Dave’s fag is apparently telling the rest of his “party” that he will soon launch the Youth Contract - a programme designed to help young people into work and slash unemployment.
Calling it a "Liberal Democrat drive for youth jobs", do dah said the £1bn scheme will help get every jobless youngster "earning or learning".
But he will also robustly defend the controversial welfare reforms, arguing that benefit claimants "owe it to the nation" to "strain every sinew to find a job".
And will insist that the financial statement later this month has to slash taxes for ordinary workers and be a "budget for fairness".
However what’s his name’s speech will contain no major new policy announcements but is expected to focus instead on "positioning" the party and outlining its achievements in Government.


That’s going to be a very short speech then.....




While “working” for Top Gear and supposedly filming a speeding Corvette in Korea two pilots from the film crew found themselves careering towards the ground as they lost control of their helicopter.

Captured on camera by local man Steve Esparaza, the chopper is seen nose-diving before smashing into the ground.

Luckily the pilots were able to walk away from the crash - even remembering to turn off the engine.


Hope the cost of the chopper doesn’t come out of my license fee....





Hundreds of scantily clad and nude cyclists took to the streets of Peru's capital, Lima, to call attention to safety conditions on the city's roads.
Campaigners say that thousands have been killed on the roads because of reckless driving.
Many of the cyclists painted slogans and signs on their bare skin.


No wonder they are getting wiped out-not a helmet in sight-at least on their heads....


And finally:



Liberal Democrats at the party's spring conference have decided not to vote on the future of controversial health reforms.
Members voted not to take an emergency motion which urged the withdrawal of the Health and Social Care Bill, which is nearing the end of its passage through Parliament.
Campaigners against the NHS changes won enough support to have their "kill the Bill" emergency motion debated on Sunday at the party's spring conference in Gateshead.
But, under the party's alternative vote system, the attempt failed on second preferences.
Instead a rival motion on the same Bill that calls on Lib Dems to support the changes was selected.
That was put forward by Baroness Williams, who initially had opposed the proposals.


Couldn’t organise a vote in a ballot box....




And today’s thought:





Angus

Wednesday 29 February 2012

Orf for some R&R


No posts for the next few days-having a rest.

Back soon.

Angus

Tuesday 28 February 2012

Blighty is broke: Fuelling poverty: Golf gamble: Lexicon of regionalisms: Winnebago parking: and Rhubarb, rhubarb.


Warm and wet with a whimsy of opaque air at the Castle this morn, the fallic Glu has really taken hold again-I have this urge to find a Portuguese Tart and I am up to three boxes of Lemsip’s a week.



Son of a B.....aronet and alien reptile in disguise George (I can’t find my purse) Osborne has finally discovered that the Government 'has run out of money' and cannot afford debt-fuelled tax cuts or extra spending.
George (I want to go back to my own planet) reckons that there is little the Coalition can do to stimulate the economy.
So after what seems like a decade in “power” George (I may have to sack two servants) has laid the blame on “that lot who spent all the dosh”-Labour for his lack of fiscal know how. 

But George (My pension would only be £32,977) has decided that he will stand firm on his effort to balance the books by refusing to borrow money. “Any tax cut would have to be paid for, in other words there would have to be a tax rise somewhere else or a spending reduction.”
“In other words what we are not going to do in this Budget is borrow more money to either increase spending or cut taxes.”


In other words George-fuck orf and take the rest of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition with you....




According to “campaigners” more than nine million households will be living in fuel poverty within four years unless the Government directs £4bn a year from carbon taxes to families in greatest need.
More Britons die every year from living in a cold home than on the roads, they said, with the situation expected to worsen sharply because of soaring utility bills.
A new study has revealed that there are a million more households already living in fuel poverty compared with previous estimates, taking the total to 6.4 million. The study, by energy efficiency experts Camco, suggests that the total will hit 9.1 million by 2016.
A petition is being launched today at www.energybillrevolution.org to raise support for the Energy Bill Revolution campaign. It is already backed by more than 50 charities, unions, consumer groups and businesses, including Save the Children, the National Pensioners' Convention, Consumer Focus and the Co-operative Group.


The good news is-actually there isn’t any......



Is Camp Bonifas’ golf course in Panmunjom, featuring only one hole — a 192-yard par 3 —designed to give some of the 50 soldiers stationed there a bit of entertainment.
Instead of “members only” signs there is a nice reminder- “Danger! Do not retrieve balls from the rough; live mine fields” greets visitors before they step onto the course, which contains an Astroturf putting green and, for some reason, a gun tower.
The minefields surround the hole, and at least one mine is said to have exploded due to an errant slice.
The course was named after U.S. Army Captain Arthur Bonifas, who was one of the few American soldiers killed during the ax murder incident of 1978.


I can think of a few sideboard Ministers that should try it-after the sign has been removed...



Language lovers are celebrating the nation's diverse and colourful lexicon with the soon-to-be-published final volume of the Dictionary of American Regional English, also known by its acronym, DARE.
Which contains such gems as- a drinking fountain is called a bubbler in Wisconsin, a dry-land fish to Kentuckians and Tennesseans is an edible mushroom. A tadpole is a pinkwink on Cape Cod. And a toad-strangler in the Gulf States is a turd-floater in Texas and Oklahoma and a fence-lifter in the Ozarks; all three describe a heavy rain.
And ask for a pickle in Nebraska and you might get a lottery ticket.


Super, as the old saying goes- Blighty and America-Two nations divided by a common language



Fishermen participating in the annual Lake Winnebago ice fishing contest over the weekend found themselves scouting for their modes of transportation after 36 parked vehicles went through the ice, authorities said Sunday.
"We had some cars that got wet," a dispatcher with the Winnebago County Sheriff's Department said. "We had cars parked on the ice like it was a parking lot. Usually they do park out on the ice. That's not unusual. It's just that they parked too close together. It was too much for the ice conditions this year."
Tournament organizers for the Battle on Bago reportedly warned people about parking on the ice Saturday, but some had trouble finding spots elsewhere and parked on the lake anyway. Of about 50 cars parked on the ice, four were submerged more than half way, 18 were partially submerged, and 14 sunk to the top of their wheels, according to the sheriff's department.
"They all started early in the morning. Throughout the day with the sun and everything else, vehicles started to sink," the dispatcher explained.
The ice was about a foot thick.
The lake is shallow where the cars were parked, and tow trucks were called in to pull out the cars. No one was in the vehicles and no one was injured, the dispatcher said.
The tournament was Friday and Saturday. Sturgeon spearing season on Lake Winnebago ends Sunday.
Several other cars had broken through the ice earlier in the month, authorities said.

  

Probably thought the ‘no parking’ sign meant ‘car wash’ in Wisconsin...


And finally:
 


The woodentops in the Smoke has published a list of 30 plants that can help homeowners protect their gardens from thieves, including giant rhubarb and gooseberry bushes.

The guidelines on "How to stop garden thieves" state that people can 'make their home more secure' by planting giant rhubarb - which has 'abrasive foliage' - and 'spiny' gooseberry bushes.

The advice - which even gives the Latin name for the plants and bushes - states: "Your garden, as well as your house, has valued possessions that thieves would love to steal.

"It also has equipment that could help them break into your house.

"Most burglars are lazy. They look for easy ways of getting into a house or garden (and) by taking a few simple precautions you can reduce the risk of being burgled and make your house and garden more secure."

It then lists all 30 plants, stating 'Here are some suggestions for plants to use', adding jokingly: "We have tried to identify the plants mentioned by their correct botanical name, but we cannot guarantee that the plant you buy will not grow into a small, fragrant flowering shrub with no more thorns than a daisy."

Here are some of the Mets suggestions:

Creeping Juniper, Blue Spruce, Common Holly, Giant Rhubarb, Golden Bamboo, Chinese Jujube, Firethorn, Shrub Rose, Pencil Christmas Tree, Juniper, Purple Berberis, Mountain Pine, Blue Pine, Oleaster, Blackthorn and the Fuschia-flowered Gooseberry.

And you could also have Aralia, Chaenomeles, Colletia, Crataegus (including hawthorn/may), Hippophae (sea buckthorn), Maclura, Mahonia, Oplopanax, Osmanthus, Poncirus, Rhamnus, Rosa (climbing & shrub roses), Rubus (bramble), Smilax Prickly ash (Zanthoxylum).


And in many years you will have a burglar proof garden-I prefer the electrified fence but I have got a twelve foot mock orange-if you can dig the bloody thing up you can have it.....




And today’s thought:

Golfcraft carrier.


And now back to bed...

Angus

Monday 27 February 2012

Boris lets rip: McApprenticeships: Big banana de-daw: How big is the Universe and everything?: We are all doomed!: and Home to a TV relay mast.


Warm, wet and wibbly at the Castle this morn, I carried out yet more vandalism on the mock orange yestermorn with my giant “pruners”-it’s still there.
The Fallic Glu has returned with a vengeance-I have this urge to change my francs for Euros.
And after a trip to Tesco for stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food I am going back to the four poster.




The loony Left had reached rock bottom, there are so-called socialists in London who are now taking active steps to scupper young people’s chances of finding employment.
They are told they can’t get a job unless they have some work experience; and they can’t get any work experience unless someone is willing to give them a job.

The Coalition has come up with a scheme to help them into places of work, and to give them at least some of the confidence and the credentials they crave. Instead of just drawing benefits and sitting at home, waiting for their luck to change, they are given the option – the option – of getting some practical understanding of what it is like to be an employee. Since January last year about 34,000 people aged 16-24 have been given their Jobseeker’s Allowance and travel costs while doing work experience in a huge range of businesses. They are not forced to do it, and they can pull out of it within a week if they don’t like it – with no loss of benefits.”

Sounds good Boris.
 


McDonald's has ­pocketed £10million of public money for an ­apprenticeship scheme ...but has not created a single new job with it.
Instead, the multi-national fast-food giant has spent the whole sum on ­“career progression” for 18,000 existing staff.
A Sunday Mirror investigation has found that among nine other major firms which take the most money from the scheme, ­£20million has been spent to create just 2,559 new jobs.
With unemployment hitting 2.67million PM David Cameron has pushed apprenticeships as a way to get young people back into work. In July he revamped the Skills Funding Agency to work directly with employers and recently said: “Apprenticeships are at the heart of the kind of economy we want to build: one where many more young people have the chance to learn a proper trade.”
Taxpayers have so far paid out £30,934,034 to create jobs which cost £12,088 each. But anyone on an appren­tice’s minimum wage takes home just £5,200 a year
A McDonald’s spokesman said: “Our apprenticeships’ scheme is about supporting and enabling career progression, not job ­creation. Since we started our apprenticeships programme, 11,000 employees have ­completed it and a further 7,000 employees are currently studying towards the qualification.
“We invest £36million every year in ­training. Like many UK employers, we receive some government funding in addition to our own investment, which enables us to adapt our training into nationally ­recognised, transferable qualifications.”
She said the firm hoped to create 2,500 new jobs this year


Glad I never “eat” at McDonalds....



A terrified shop worker screamed when she found a venomous spider crawling out of a bunch of bananas.
The Asda worker discovered the ctenidae spider, commonly known as the banana spider, on Tuesday.
A colleague at the supermarket in Chesser, Edinburgh managed to get the adult female and its 10cm leg span into a plastic jar and called the Scottish SPCA.
Animal rescue officer Fiona Thorburn collected the spider and took it to Edinburgh Butterfly and Insect World. However, the creature died overnight.
Ms Thorburn said: “The spider was found in a box of bananas that originated from Colombia. Although she was not very large, she was quite an impressive-looking creature, so we can understand why the person who found her let out a loud scream.
Kevin Thom, from Edinburgh Butterfly and Insect World, said they often get exotic spiders handed in to them from shops which receive deliveries from abroad.
He added: “It isn’t deadly but its venom contains high levels of serotonin. If bitten you would experience pain, swelling, muscle spasms and flu-like symptoms which could be very unpleasant depending on the amount of venom that was injected.
“These spiders can survive transport from abroad by shutting down and becoming very cold. They awaken when they warm up which is often under bright shop lights.

 Glad I don’t shop as Asda...



Someone has worked out why the universe is 95 billion light years across when it has only been in existence for approx 14.3 billion years.
According to Professor Paul Francis from the Australian National University's Mount Stromlo Observatory  the best estimate for the age of the universe from the Big Bang to now is 13.75 billion years give or take 0.11 billion years.
If the universe was static, you would theoretically be able to see 13.75 billion light years in any direction because that's how far photons moving at the speed of light (about 300,000 kilometres per second in a vacuum) have travelled since shortly after the universe began.
With Earth at the centre of the cosmos from our point of view, that would make the universe about 28.5-billion light-years wide.
But the universe isn't static.
"[Since the Big Bang] the universe and space-time itself has been expanding,"
"We know space is expanding it's getting bigger and by extrapolating that backwards we can work out when everything we see was in the same place, and that gives us a rough age of the universe."
"The trouble is the universe may not have been expanding at the same rate, so extrapolating backwards may not be very accurate," says Francis.
According to Francis, the universe is currently expanding at 70 kilometres per second per mega-parsec (1 parsec is 3.26 light-years or 31 trillion kilometres).


Yeah right-my brain hurts....




Relatively mild drought conditions may have been enough to cause the collapse of the Classic Maya civilisation, which flourished until about AD950 in what is now southern Mexico and Guatemala.
Scientists have long thought that severe drought caused its collapse.
But Mexican and British researchers now think that a sustained drop in rainfall of only 25-40% was enough to exhaust seasonal water supplies in the region.
The findings were published in the journal Science.
The research was conducted by the Yucatan Centre for Scientific Research in southern Mexico and the University of Southampton in the UK.
Scientists used advanced modelling techniques to estimate rainfall and evaporation rates between AD800 and 950, when the classic Maya civilisation went into sharp decline.
They found that a relatively modest decline in rainfall was enough to deplete freshwater storage systems in the Yucatan lowlands, where there are no rivers.


That’s us in the Sarf East stuffed then.....


And finally:
 


There is a Bungalow for sale with 'superb county and coastal view', According to the estate agent’s particulars; the bungalow commands superb country and coastal views across a swathe of the Irish Sea.
The three-bedroom bungalow, near Llanddona on the island of Anglesey, north Wales, is on the market for just under £200,000.

Its selling agents, Williams and Goodwin, are gushing in their description of the property.

They say: “An excellent opportunity to acquire a detached bungalow, situated in an exceptional elevated position enjoying superb coastline views over Anglesey towards Point Lynas.

''The property offers tremendous opportunity for further expansion subject to the necessary consents and is situated in a generous sized garden bordering onto and overlooking open countryside. Viewing recommended.”

What they don’t mention is the 350ft high TV mast and sub-station standing only a few yards from the property’s back garden.
 

Viewing is recommended-but at least you will be able to get decent digital reception...



And today’s thought:




Angus

Sunday 26 February 2012

Western water: Tight Tories: Frankfurt sausage scene: cooking with poo: and a whiff of Rosemary.


Dark, damp and decidedly dismal at the Castle this morn, the butler is back shoving fat teenagers into the furnace, the mock orange is still in situ and I am running out of letters.



Apparently water bill payers in the West Country are to receive £50 a year from the Government under plans to be unveiled this week.
David Cameron says financial help is needed because the region has "paid unfair charges to provide clean beaches for many of us who do not live in the South West". Thirty per cent of England's coast is within Devon and Cornwall, but the bill is picked up by just 3 per cent of the population.



And I should subsidize them because?



An Oxford Tory club has been expelled by the University after it failed to pay a £1,200 charity black tie dinner bill at Cavalry and Guards Club where Liam Fox was guest of honour.
The charity dinner boasted a party frontbencher as guest of honour and appeared perfect to reinforce the Oxford University Conservative Association’s status as a training ground for Cabinet ministers.
Instead, it has led to the 88-year-old society suffering the indignity of being stripped of its university recognition after the bill went unpaid.
The association, which counts Baroness Thatcher as its patron, has lost the right to use Oxford’s name after it failed to settle a £1,200 debt for the black-tie banquet, attended by the former defence secretary Dr Liam Fox.
The society, whose former members include five current Cabinet ministers, held the dinner for 32 in support of the Army Benevolent Fund at the Cavalry and Guards Club on Pall Mall in June 2009.
 

Wonder where Werritty is......




On the boardroom floor of the Frankfurt headquarters of Commerzbank in Germany is the loo with a view, male Wbankers can literally take the piss from a great height.
Yesterday, a debt-for-equity swap was announced by Commerzbank and is already being eyed by other European banks as a potential blueprint to improve their balance sheet.

The other thing about it is that it is high enough to do some damage if it all goes tits up.....




Cooking with Poo and Estonian Sock Patterns All Around the World are just two of the bizarre books up for the prize of the oddest book title of the year.
In its native Thailand the title of the cook book by Saiyuud Diwong is not as strange as it sounds, as 'Poo' means 'Crab' and is also the chef's nickname.
Aino Praakli's book on socks is also shortlisted alongside The Great Singapore Penis Panic: And the Future of American Mass Hysteria by Scott D Mendelson, which details the 'Koro' psychiatric epidemic that hit the island of Singapore in 1967.
Mr Andoh's Pennine Diary Memoirs of a Japanese Chicken Sexer in 1935 Hebden Bridge by Stephen Curry and Takayoshi Andoh is also in the running for the odd accolade.
Taxonomy of Office Chairs, The Mushroom in Christian Art and A Century of Sand Dredging in the Bristol Channel: Volume Two are also among the favourites.
 

Must pop dahn to W.H. Smiths...


And finally: 


Worry not, allegedly the smell of rosemary could enhance your time on a crossword puzzle, a component of rosemary oil in the bloodstream is the reason.
You can also use this magical substance to rinse your hair and repel cats.
In the study, a cohort of 20 subjects were exposed to varying levels of the aroma, and then given a battery of cognitive tests and mood assessments. Apparently the cognitive performance of the subjects increased, with a corresponding mood increase of lesser magnitude. However, the real surprise came when the blood tests were processed.
The results showed absorption of 1,8-coneole into the bloodstream, meaning the natural compound was absorbed through the nose and into the blood plasma. For Moss, this means there is a more traditional biochemical explanation for the increased cognitive performances previously demonstrated. 

I don’t know anyone called Rosemary, and if I did I don’t think I would want to smell her.....




And today’s thought:
Tits up Banker



Angus