The EU rules: Housey-housey: U-F-O BBC: Human show jumping: Munich motor: and Lego my Batcave.

The butler is stuffing fat, carbon neutral teenagers into the furnace as fast as he can to compensate for the lack of warm at the Castle this morn.

Too dark to report on the rest of the wevver conditions, but his Maj has returned from doing his business with not a jot of wet stuff on his coat.

Finally finished the loo, bathroom, landing and master bedroom, just the stairs and lobby left to do, more knackered than the most knackered thing you could think of.

 

The Irritable Bowel Twins are not very happy

Because the EU is insisting that European immigrants should be able to claim handouts and pensions without first having to pass a test proving that they have settled in multicultural Blighty.

The demand is the latest response in a continuing row after Iain Duncan Smith said that such a system would mean immigrants could get benefits on the first day of entering Britain.

The knob at the top of the Dept of Witless Pillocks said last month that it would cost taxpayers £155 million a year if the UK was forced to get rid of the “habitual resident test”.

The test makes sure that foreigners have genuinely lived and paid taxes in the country before they can claim welfare payments.

His department has been holding talks with the European Commission for months in an effort to find a solution, but sources said on Thursday that Brussels was preparing to sue Britain by the end of this year unless the test is scrapped.

 

On Thursday night, a spokesman for the Department of Work and Pensions said: “The EU has no right to interfere in this way and we will continue fighting it.”

 

That’ll teach em.....

 

And all over building-less Blighty

Allegedly efforts to reduce people’s dependency on benefits could be undermined by the Government’s own flagship housing scheme, an influential committee of MPs has warned.

The £1.8 billion Affordable Homes Programme risks sucking poorer people further into a “benefit trap” and threaten the Government’s plans to “make work pay”, according to the cross-party Public Accounts Committee.

The initiative, launched two years ago, aims to build 80,000 new homes by 2015 to tackle a national shortage.

Affordable housing providers are given Government grants averaging £20,000 per home to build new housing to let out to social tenants.

But, because the grants are only about a third of the value of those provided under a previous scheme, the providers are being allowed to charge higher rents to the new tenants.

Meanwhile those who do are likely to end up simply claiming more on housing benefits, the committee found.

But Mark Prisk, the housing minister, said: "Today's report fails to recognise the flexibility that the new system of Affordable Rent offers landlords, giving them the option to set rents to ensure a fit with local circumstances.

"And anyone eligible for full housing benefit will have their Affordable Rent paid in full.”

"This new Affordable Homes Programme will lever in £10 billion of new private investment, ensuring we deliver 53,000 more affordable homes than we could have done under the previous funding models."

 

Still all this building will give the Polish economy a big boost....

 

West to the home of aliens and the land of “security”

 

A BBC film crew was held at gunpoint after trying to sneak into Nevada's Area 51 military base with UFO conspiracy theorists.

Irish comedian Andrew Maxwell and UFO expert Darren Perks sneaked past the border at the site - and were forced to lie on the ground at gunpoint for three hours while the FBI checked their credentials.

It is the same 'documentary' team that caused outrage in Britain last week when they suggested that the 7/7 London bombings were part of a government conspiracy to boost support for the Iraq war.

The crew 12 people in total were investigating Area 51 in Nevada - where the U.S. military allegedly hold the bodies of aliens and the remnants of ships which crashed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947.

As they crossed the border, military officers arrested them, confiscating their phones, wallets and identification.

Darren told the Mail Online: 'Basically the concept of the trip was to tour across California, Arizona and Nevada with comedian presenter Andrew Maxwell and four people who had an interest in the UFO phenomena.

'We went to Area 51 in Nevada firstly because it’s related to the UFO phenomena and secondly so we could do a night time sky watch to see if we could spot anything unusual.

 

Nice to see that our license fee is being used to bring us such “interesting” programmes and that the twonks Auntie employs are illiterate.

 

All across the World

There is a new “sport”; you don't have to wear a saddle or have steel shoes nailed onto your feet, in fact you don’t even need an ‘Orse, oh yes we now have Horseless show jumping.

According to Phil Rozon, a Canadian jumper judge who officiated at both the horseless horse show and the American Gold Cup Grand Prix that followed. "We judge them just like horses."

Indeed, the young competitors are judged just as horse and rider combos would be in standard show jumping classes—placing according to speed or the time taken to complete a given course. The fastest time wins, but penalties are incurred for faults such as knocking down a rail.

 

My brain hurts...

 

Over to the place where beer festivals abound

A man in southern Germany has been reunited with his car two years after forgetting where he parked, Bavarian police said on Thursday.

After a night of drinking in December 2010 and an unsuccessful search the next day, the vehicle's owner reported his car as missing to the Munich police.

Authorities discovered it by chance last month after a traffic warden noticed that its inspection stickers had expired - 4 km from the spot where the now 33-year-old craftsman originally thought he had parked.

"The weird thing is that it turned up so far away, although the owner was pretty sure of where he had left it," said police spokesman Alexander Lorenz.

In the trunk were 40,000 Euros ($51,600) worth of tools including power drills and electric screwdrivers, Lorenz said.

 

I don’t need to be drunk to forget where I parked...

 

And finally:

 

Somewhere in an alternative universe

 

Carlyle Livingston II and Wayne Hussey stand behind their massive Lego creation. (Flickr)When it comes to expansive Batman and Lego creations, most of us are content to stick to the video game offerings.

But Carlyle Livingston II and Wayne Hussey have taken things a giant leap forward, creating a spectacular replica of the Batcave using more than 20,000 individual Lego pieces.

The pair debuted the creation at the 2012 Emerald City Comicon. They uploaded several dozen photos and three videos to Flickr detailing the construction of the cave, home to the comic-book character Batman. In the photos you can also see some of their other creations, including several "Star Wars"-themed spaceships.

The Brothers Brick site notes that it took Livingston and Hussey more than 800 hours to assemble the 20,000 pieces, with the final model weighing more than 100 pounds.

Their Batcave even comes with its own lighting and a rotating turntable at the centre of the cave. The Laughing Squid site notes that a single battery powers the entire Lego Batcave, wired to several different lighting sources, including Christmas and flash lights.

 

Think they have Lego of reality...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to cash in on a “Super Earth”

 

And today’s thought:

Auntie’s new headquarters.

 

 

Angus

Just resign Mitchell: Boost your baggy bum: Golden Spurtle: Teen Brothel Bandits: Hubble Bubble trouble: and Hit me with your rhythm stick (but not too hard).

Usual lack of warm, usual non movement of the atmosphere, usual dearth of solar stuff and unusual amounts of skywater at the Castle this morn.

Still applying coloured stuff to parts other paint pad systems cannot reach. 

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, what can I say...?

 

And his Maj has conquered Virginia...

 

 

Up in the leaning tower of Westminster

The seemingly endless saga of foul mouthed Andrew Mitchell drags on like piles on a chimpanzee, the latest instalment is that the Chief Flogger will meet with “rank and file” coppers tomorrow to “decide his fate”. 

Now:

If the psychotic cyclist had any gonads he would have done the decent thing and walked away with his golden handshake firmly clutched in his “non plebbish” hand, but it seems that like all arrogant Tory twats he is determined to hang onto the “title” and prestige of his Piss Poor ‘job’ despite being caught in flagrante delicto as it were. 

If I were daft enough to use rude words and insults to a member or two of the Peelers I would be whisked orf to the nearest nick in the back of a transit faster than you could say “fair cop guv” and fined more than a few quid for the privilege. 

But it seems that “them at the top” are immune from the same “justice” as the rest of us because “they” are obviously better than we “commoners” and are able to take liberties with liberty with impunity backed by the second highest “ruler” in backward Blighty. 

So:

A hint to all those who occasionally visit the “seat of Government” in an official capacity-you may have more money and power than us, you may have spent your formative years being beaten and buggered in posh schools, you may have the “right” contacts, but we are better people, we know what hard work really is, we know what life is really like and we know that eventually you will disappear from our lives while we continue to cough up endless amounts of dosh so that the next lot of tossers can “lord” it over we “Plebs”.

 

From the ether

 

I was sent this video in an email for “older people” on how to “improve” my saggy, wrinkly old bum.

 

They are joking.... aren’t they?

 

Norf of the border

For the first time in the history of the world yesterday an Englishman was crowned World Porridge Making Champion.

Ben Horsburgh, who was born in London but lives in Germany, took the title and the prestigious Golden Spurtle at the 190th event held in Carrbridge ­yesterday.

In a bid to soften the blow to Scots, Horsburgh, 45, said: “I’m from Scottish roots. I can trace my family back to the 1390s to the Peebles area. So I suppose today I was flying the flag for the old country.”

He went on to explain how he makes award-winning porridge in four easy stages.

“First of all you must have a good pot. It is vitally important,” he said.

“Next choose the oats that you like. Then keep stirring and add salt as you go along. Finally keep tasting and when you like it, stop.

“It is also important to be relaxed and tranquil when you are making it”.

 

Can’t afford the gas or time, can’t eat too much salt so I think I will stick to Reddybrek.

 

Right a Reich or two

Two 14-year-old boys who stole some of their mother's jewellery to pay for visits to a brothel have been charged with theft in Germany.

The youngsters sold £2,500 worth of gold and gems for just £250 to a gold dealer in their home city of Karlsruhe, say police.

They spent the proceeds on pizza, kebabs - and two visits to a brothel in the city's red light district.

Officers said the pair had been caught in a "delirium of hormones", and had got only a tenth of the value of the jewels.

"You could still see the delighted smiles on their faces while they were being interrogated," said police spokesman Ralf Minet.

"They've been told that damages will be awarded against them and they will have to pay it out of their pocket money," he added.

 

I don’t know; teenagers eh?

 

East a lot to the land of Arabia called Saudi

Smokers of the hubble-bubble water pipe have until Saturday to indulge their fondness for sweet flavoured tobacco in Jeddah's cafes as the Saudi city prepares to enforce a public ban on the habit.

A law against smoking the pipes, known in Arabic as shisha, in public places has been in place for years in some other Saudi cities, but it is only now being implemented in Jeddah, which is known as more socially liberal than the capital Riyadh.

"It's a big problem for our cafe. More than 80 percent of our customers come to smoke shisha. Now they complain as soon as they walk through the door when we say we won't have shisha," said Ghassan Mohammed Mansour, the manager of Jeddah's upscale Caffe Aroma in a phone interview.

English-language daily Saudi Gazette reported on Wednesday that more than 35 businessmen with investments in restaurants and cafes had complained to the city's chamber of commerce about the ban, demanding it protect their interests.

The pipes have been banned on health grounds, alongside other forms of smoking, with the Health Ministry campaigning for tougher measures against the habit for years.

Shisha smoking is popular in Saudi Arabia, but it is frowned upon by clerics of the austere Wahhabi school of Islam that dominates the world's top oil exporter.

 

Smokin!!!

 

And finally:

 

Back to the land of Teutons

 

A German dominatrix has been forced to pay 200 Euros (£160) to a local charity as a penance after her client, an undertaker, accused her of hurting and robbing him.

Cologne district court spokesman Dirk Esser said the plaintiff had accused the woman he hired for sex last month of holding a kitchen knife to his throat before demanding his debit card and PIN number.

The plaintiff, a 49-year-old undertaker, also said the woman had detained him against his will for five hours.

The German court decided that it was impossible to know for sure what really happened because both parties had consumed too much cocaine during their encounter.

It dropped the charges but ordered the prostitute to pay the "penance money" to a charity that supports crime victims.

The 35-year-old mother of four has been in pre-trial custody for the past five weeks, but declined to be compensated for time spent in jail, Mr Esser said.

The dominatrix denied keeping the man against his will.

 

 Maybe she should be chief Tory whip....wonder if she has a bike?

 

That’s it: I’m orf to draw an ammonia sensor.

 

And today’s thought:

Hope it's not too windy

 

Angus

The Edge of Reason: How to swallow a football: Rodney Hamilton: Woman on an ‘Orse: Heaven exists: and a Giant Hamster water wheel.

Minor amounts of lack of cold, miniscule amounts of atmospheric movement, meagre amounts of solar stuff and miserly amounts of skywater at the Castle this morn. 

Did a bit more putting coloured stuff on me and the floors, I even managed to get some on the walls yestermorn, having a day orf today to rest my poor old knees.

 

Up in the place where they speak Brummie

It seems that U-Turn Cam is going to let us know that Blighty is about to slowly sink into the Norf sea unless we come up with the core values of “hard work, strong families, taking responsibility and serving others”.

Allegedly shit for brains Dave will say: “Unless we act, unless we take difficult, painful decisions, unless we show determination and imagination, Britain may not be in the future what it has been in the past” at the CONTory gathering.

Apparently the Prime Monster reckons “The truth is this, we are in a global race today and that means an hour of reckoning for countries like ours. Sink or swim, do or decline.”

And Cupid Stunt Cameron will claim that “it’s not complicated” to tackle the major economic problems, providing the set of core values are followed and there is determination to act. He will also stress that Britain faces a bright future amid signs that the economy is finally beginning to heal.

 

Now:

Plan “A” didn’t work, plan “A”+ “a” isn’t working and Plan B to Z won’t work either because there is a slight flaw in the CONS cunning plan.

By taking money away from the electorate whether it be in benefits, pay cuts, pay freezes, extra taxes and price rises in travel, go juice and fuel the economy will not grow, if we can’t buy things/services companies will lose money, staff will be made redundant, welfare costs will rise and the extended recession will continue.

Those who have work are already working hard (for less pay), there are millions out there who give time for nothing by volunteering, those without work are trying to exist on the pittance handed out by the Irritable Bowel Twins while housing benefits are declining faster than U-Turn Cam’s rating and finding out that there aren’t a lot of jobs going round (graduate takes job as a scarecrow), the retired are concentrating on keeping warm and feeding themselves rather than buying a nice new 3d TV/furniture/car/gadgets and giving the economy a boost.

The banks have Billions of our loot, a large proportion of which is being used to repay the rip orf PPI thingy, while Son of a B.......aronet George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne is intent on lowering our standard of living to that of Eritrea.

 

The CONS really need to rethink, the CONDems really need to “wake up and smell the coffee (as they are the only ones who can afford it) and we really need to get rid of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition, get rid of the EU and get rid of inept, overeducated, inexperienced posh twats that couldn’t find their rear exits with a wind turbine powered torch.

 

Up in the ‘Ackney part of the Smoke

 

A sports firm is warning that a football bigger than an adult's head could be a potential choking hazard to young children.

The flyaway plastic balls come with the caution: 'Warning! Not suitable for children under 3 years. ‘Choking hazard.'

Irish manufacturer Bellco Sports has defended the warning, claiming it is required under by EU health and safety laws.

 

Load of old balls?

 

Somewhere among the twitter twats

Formula One driver Lewis Hamilton has been forced into an embarrassing climb-down, after accusing his British teammate of showing him a lack of respect on Twitter.

The 27-year-old, who has incurred the wrath of officials at McLaren for his use of the social micro blogging network, condemned Jenson Button for apparently “unfollowing” updates from his account on the site, describing it as a “shame.”

However, after realising Button had not been following him in the first place, Hamilton issued an apology and said he would try to log on more frequently in future to avoid making a similar mistake.

 

What a Rodney-Good luck Mercedes...

 

West to the place where corn is very expensive

 

Police were dispatched after a report of a bull on the loose headed eastbound in Des Moines, Iowa Monday afternoon.

The bull was spotted in the area near the intersection of Southeast 30th Street and Scott Avenue, which is near the Iowa State Fair.

Five horseback riders and four dogs were called in to help search for the bull after it disappeared into a cornfield.

One rider could be seen almost gliding above the cornfield as she stood on top of her horse as it moved through the field.

The bull was found about 2:45 p.m.

Is it a kind of magic?

 

Still in the home of ever after and the land of happy

Apparently there is a heaven; Dr Eben Alexander, a Harvard-educated neurosurgeon, fell into a coma for seven days in 2008 after contracting meningitis.

During his illness Dr Alexander says that the part of his brain which controls human thought and emotion "shut down" and that he then experienced "something so profound that it gave me a scientific reason to believe in consciousness after death." In an essay for American magazine Newsweek, which he wrote to promote his book Proof of Heaven, Dr Alexander says he was met by a beautiful blue-eyed woman in a "place of clouds, big fluffy pink-white ones" and "shimmering beings".

 

I’ve been there mind you it was after having a few mushrooms with my bacon and eggs....

 

And finally:

 

 Back to the land that inspired the American “language”

 

A Wiltshire man has abandoned his bid to walk across the Irish Sea, after his giant floating hamster wheel sank.

Chris Todd, from Bromham, gave up 10 hours after starting out from north Wales for the Irish Republic when the rudders on his "Tredalo" failed.

He planned to try again, but the Tredalo broke up and sank in heavy seas as it was being towed back for repairs.

"So I'm afraid I don't have the Tredalo any more - but I've solved the problem of where to store it," Mr Todd said.

It took the 35-year-old engineer just under a year to build the raft in his back garden.

Mr Todd had hoped to make the crossing from Trearddur Bay near Holyhead to Greystones Harbour by walking the wheel for up to 48 hours

 

Knowing that has enriched my life...

That’s it: I’m orf to try out a dog’s breakfast

 

And today’s thought:

Read and digest U-Turn Cam

 

Angus

A shitty rant: ‘Ampshire accident: Cycle of cupid stunts: Touting the law: Potty old farts: and a Dead Roach Gobbler.

Vast amounts of lack of warm, volumes of non atmospheric movement, very little solar activity and vadose precipitation of skywater at the Castle this morn.

 

First a rant:

After plastering over the whiplash marks on the master bedroom walls yestermorn I settled dahn with a nice cup of milky coffee to watch the lying, greedy, inept, brain dead CONTories (think I spelt that right, should there be a U in there somewhere?) on the TV.

And what should drop onto the portcullis welcome mat but this:

 

A missive from fucking Thames Water who want to build a ‘super sewer’ forty miles away from the Castle in the shitty Smoke to rid the big watery thing of floating human logs.

Fair enough I thought as fucking Thames Water somehow manage to treat the Castle’s nasty stuff, it was very nice of them to let me know.

Then I read on-“sewerage charges (which you pay as part of your overall water bill) will need to rise from current levels to pay for this work. It is estimated to be in the range of £70-80 per year).

Apparently “work is due to start in 2014 and finish in 2023 (har fucking har) and is “necessary” because the E-fucking-U has set new ‘legal environmental standards’

 Now:

As stated the Castle is some forty miles from what is laughingly called the “Capitol” and even I won’t visit the shithole let alone send my turds there, and they want me to cough up £560-720 so that the eight million squatters in London can flush their toilets in line with fucking EU directives.

Apart from the fact that I can’t afford the money, and that I will probably be an ex-Angus by 2023 I lean towards the idea that those who actually live in Turdtown should pay for the ‘Super Shit Tunnel’ not those who reside in ANOTHER FUCKING COUNTY more that a marathon’s worth of mileage away.

 

Rant over-fucking Thames Water...

 

Still in expensive ‘Ampshire

Apparently motorists are facing chaos today after a dramatic accident forced the closure of one of the south’s major roads.

The A34 has been closed in both directions after a car transporter being towed by a recovery truck broke free and smashed through the central reservation barrier.

The accident happened at Whitchurch just after 11pm last night also sent cars on the transporter spilling across the road.

As a result police have said that the road, which links the M3 with the Midlands will be closed for most of the day for repairs.

Diversions have been put in place but a police spokesman urged drivers to find alternative routes as the road is likely to remain closed for most of today to allow for repairs to the road surface and barriers.

 

Probably is a relief for those who have to go to the midlands...

 

Up a bit to another Shire

 

One cyclist enjoys tons of room to ride over the daftest footbridge crossing in Britain – while pedestrians struggle to stay close to the railings on either side.

Less than a foot has been left for pushchairs, wheelchairs and mobility scooters – and locals at Stevenage have protested to Hertfordshire Highways that it is impossible for many users not obstruct the cycle lane.

Salesman Luke Pygle, 26, said: “You would have to be pretty slim to walk within the lines.”

A highways spokesman said: “The lines are there to stop cyclists careering into railings.”

And they have promised to turn a blind eye to non-cyclists using the lane.

 

Nice of them....

 

Dahn Unda

 

A Brazilian student is auctioning off her virginity to raise cash to build homes for poverty-stricken families.

Catarina Migliorini, 20, is set to plough the money into a fund to build modern houses for the needy in her home state of Santa Catarina.

Director Justin Sisely will record her emotions before and after her first sexual encounter. A male virgin called Alexander is also being followed.

Miss Migliorini will receive £12,500 and 90% of the final auction price, currently standing at £120,000, which ends on 15 October.

The encounter will take place on an airplane flying between Australia and the US, to circumvent prostitution laws.

The student will be followed every step of the way by an Australian film crew for a documentary film called Virgins Wanted.

She told Folha newspaper: "I saw this as a business. I have the opportunity to travel, to be part of a movie and get a bonus with it.

"If you only do it once in your life then you are not a prostitute, just like if you take one amazing photograph it does not automatically make you a photographer.

"The auction is just business, I'm a romantic girl at heart and believe in love. But this will make a big difference to my area."

 

I would be quite happy to make a difference to Catarina’s "area" but: a) I don’t have the money and b) I don’t have the money...

 

Back in potty Blighty

Police have seized a giant marijuana plant from an elderly couple who unwittingly bought it at a car boot sale.

The couple were shocked to find that their carefully tended shrub was in fact a gigantic cannabis plant.

Police officers in Bedford said it was the biggest plant they had ever seen, reports the Daily Mail.

Bedfordshire Police took to Twitter to comment on their find and post a photo of the huge bush growing in the suburban garden.

The tweet from Bedford Borough's local policing team read: "Seized today. Elderly couple bought shrub at car boot sale, tended carefully.

 

Yeah right of course they did...

 

And finally:

 

Left to the Home of snacks and the Land of infestations

 

Edward Archbold won a giant cockroach eating contest and then dropped dead, according to the Broward Sheriff’s Office, Archbold, of West Palm Beach, and several other contestants signed up to eat a variety of insects at Ben Siegel Reptiles in Deerfield Beach. After eating dozens of giant cockroaches, Archbold was declared the winner of an ivory-ball python.

But after winning, Archbold felt sick and started vomiting. He then collapsed in the store and was later pronounced dead.

The medical examiner’s office is conducting tests to determine a cause of death.

 

Stupidity comes to mind....

 

That’s it I’m orf to check out our politicians minds

 

And today’s thought:

Fucking Thames Water

 

Angus

Tosspot CONference roundup: Worzel degree: Hot Tug: and Sorry-not!

Not much lack of cold, even less atmospheric movement, quite a lot of skywater, and not a glimmer of solar stuff at the Castle this morn.

Just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco, still a mess, still expensive but there are fewer “shoppers” staggering about and even less interweb trolley robots.

A slight pause in putting the coloured stuff on me, the floors, walls and ceilings due to the unfortunate fact that I need to do a bit of plastering in the bedroom and the stairwell, but the good news is that I have finally got the hang of the ‘super duper’ paint pad system thingy...

 

And as the unelected bunch of rich bastards gather in Birmingham to let us know how they are going to screw us even more.

U-Turn Cam informed Mandrew Arr on Auntie yestermorn that there would not be a “mansion tax” on houses valued at over two squillion squids, instead together with the other unelected bit of the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition will be targeting the rich with new measures to help balance the books.

The Prime Monster said his party would "level" with the public about the need for another £16 billion of spending cuts in 2015-16.

"We have to find these spending reductions and if we want to avoid cuts in things like hospitals and schools, services that we all rely on, we have to look at things like the welfare budget," he said.

 

Too fucking late knobhead, and let me guess who will not have to pay the “mansion tax”-U-Turn Cam, George (alien reptile in disguise) Osborne, the Irritable Bowel Twins and probably most of the rest of the Downing Street sideboard.

 

Still do not forget-WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

 

And staying with the CONtossers

 

 

Son of a.....Baronet George (my mansion’s bigger than your mansion) Osborne is apparently going to thrill the young, sick, needy and unemployed with a cunning plan to hack yet another £10bn orf the cost of welfare.

Apparently George O has reached an agreement with the Irritable Bowel Twins to reduce welfare spending by another £10bn by 2016-17.

The planned £10bn cuts will be in addition to the reduction in welfare spending of £18bn by 2014 which the “Chancellor” announced in the Budget in March. They will be driven through in conjunction with the introduction of the Universal Credit, which replaces means-tested benefits and tax credits and will be rolled out from next year.

 

I suppose the only good bit is that by 2016 there may not be a Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

 

And the third part of the CONfused Coalition conference CONnflab

Is that the Irritable Bowel Twins have drawn up proposals for a significant reduction in benefit payments after 2015.

Young unemployed people could be forced to live with their parents rather than be allowed to claim housing benefit, and there are plans to cut the benefits of unemployed families who continue to have more children, and child benefit, income support or tax credits could be withheld from jobless families.

According to the GridIron nearly 1.2 million working adults will for the first time next year face losing some of their benefits if they do not comply with new state requirements to work longer hours, find an additional job or seek higher wages.

 The aim is to increase the incentives to work but it means that people will lose money if they don't find extra work, even if there is none available where they live.

There are currently 1.4 million people working part-time because they are unable to find full-time work – compared to 500,000 in 2004.

 

Don’t blame me-I didn’t vote for this load of dickheads, then again nor did anyone else...

 

That’s the end of the “serious stuff”...

 

Up in the opposite of Southfolk

Jamie Fox a graduate in music and English has bagged himself a Worzel of a job as a temporary scarecrow; he spends his days sitting, reading and strumming his ukulele and then leaps into action when birds begin to circle, scaring them with his bright orange coat, accordion and cow bell.

Jolly Jamie is halfway through a fortnight-long stint scaring partridges from a field of oilseed rape near Aylsham, Norfolk.

He said: "I get to sit and read for a lot of the time, but whenever the partridges appear I have to get up and scare them off.

"I ring a cowbell and I've even played the accordion, but the ukulele doesn't seem to have any effect on them."

Mr Fox, who lives in Aylsham, earns £250 a week for his efforts policing the 10-acre field for eight hours each day. He is saving for a planned trip to New Zealand next year.

 

Worth every penny of his thirty grand “education”...

 

From the land of very tall, very old people

 

Comes the HotTug, a floating thingy with about 2000 litres of water on board and a wood stove in the front of the boat to heat the water in about 2.5 hours up to 38 degrees Celsius (100 degrees F.) just by making a little fire with normal logs.

And you and up to seven “friends” can enjoy this experience for as little as € 8.950, or if you want to go the whole log € 16.450 for the HotTugboat E-power+ Boat + stainless steel wood burning heater + electric Minnkota RT 160 EM, 4 Zenith batteries of 6 volt / 400 Ah + charger. 

I kid you not.....

 

And finally:

 

Ever wanted to say the hardest word?

This isn’t the way to do it.

 

 

That’s it: I’m orf to tweet U-Turn Cam but I don’t think 140 characters will be enough.

 

And today’s thought:

Think he is going to need a bigger boat...

 

Angus

All about All and Sundry

Can’t tell you what the wevver is doing this Sunday because there is more than a touch of Keats (without the mellow fruitfulness bit) at the Castle this morn.

 

Having a day orf from putting coloured stuff on the walls, ceilings, me and the floors, didn’t wake up until 9.30 of the am, had some brekky, did a bit of tidying up, changed the duvet cover (with not a lot of help from his Maj) had a shower and am now sitting in front of the TV (after hearing the result of the Japanese GP before the morons at Auntie actually showed the highlights of the bleedin race) a bit more than miffed. 

 

So I thought I would explain to those that don’t seem to get the idea of this Piss Poor Blog and the so called thinking behind it. 

During my years (1951 to date) I have put up with one King, one Queen, and twelve different Prime Monsters; and to be honest sod all has changed, we are no better orf (yes we have more ‘things’), some of us are warmer in the cold bits, we have internal combustion vehicles that move us about (when we can afford to put go juice in them), we are going to retire at an older age with smaller pensions, and our NHS is on the verge of privatisation; very few of us have more money, and the elite have everything-as usual.

 

After “M” was taken I used to write for a “medical” blog where I vented what is left of my spleen against various no-mates medics, the Dept of Elf, the GMC, the Government of the hour and anybody else that I could think of.

 

Then I became more than a tad disillusioned with having a vent because although it made me feel better it produced sod all results, so All and Sundry was born which looks at the nicer side of life, a bit of a laugh, or a giggle sometimes a belly laugh and occasionally all three resulting in a follow through. 

For those that are looking for a reasoned, logical, well punctuated, precise blog-look elsewhere because that isn’t what you are going to get here.

 

Most of the posts (apart from the first one or two items) are not there to tell everyone how bad life is-we already know that, there are millions of other blogs out there that will put you on Fluoxetine; the “news” published here is slanted toward getting away from the Pointless Politicians, the sorry state of Blighty and the World, the endless banging on about “inherited deficits” and the aging population.

 

All and Sundry has a peep at the dafter side of human existence, the Numptys, the Cupid Stunts, the gormless, the hopeless and the just plain stupid. 

So there we are, all are welcome at All and Sundry, anyone can comment, I read them all but do not publish “anonymous” ones, so if you want to be published join this blog, but if there is any hint of self advertising it will go into the junk pile, and if you want to have a go-fine but there will be consequences.

 

Life is far too short (I know) to take it more than a whimsy seriously, no matter how many crusades, rants, and campaigns are fired about the Blogosphere (and well done to them) very little will make a difference, there are a few things that produce a very, very small improvement to a very, very few people, but overall “they” have got their way for centuries and “they will continue to do so.

 

So if you are reading this while snuggled up under the duvet with a nice cup of coffee, scroll dahn to other posts, enjoy, laugh, but most of all forget about “Real Life” for a while...

 

Angus

D.I.Y. Dick and other ailments.

Glassfuls of solar stuff, thimblefuls of atmospheric movement, bucketfuls of lack of warm and cupfuls of ex-skywater at the Castle this morn. 

Day-whatever into putting the coloured stuff on the walls and things (still mainly me and the floors) and I have noticed a few defects in the old bod.

 

 

 

1)      D.I.Y nipple-caused by the upping and downing of the arm whilst wearing a too tight old tea shirt

Treatment-rub very gently with Germolene, Vaseline or some other sort of cream (even better if you can find an attractive young lady to do it for you)

 

2)      D.I.Y Diarrhoea-caused by clinging to the top of a twenty foot ladder with one hand whilst painting the ceiling at the top of the stairwell with the other and accidentally looking dahn, descending said  ladder, making it to the newly painted loo and reaching the big bowl thing without pebble dashing the walls

 Treatment-don’t go up the bleedin ladder, a butt plug or keep a bucket handy

 

3)      DI.Y dementia-caused by stopping for a while to make a cup of tea, wandering into the lounge and watching the TV for an hour or so while drinking your tea, then wondering why your hands are covered in paint

 

Treatment –don’t make a cup of tea or, take the kettle and stuff to the room where you are doing the deed

 

And finally:

 

4) DI.Y Dick-caused by getting caught short for a pee, rushing to the loo and covering the old man in white gloss or emulsion

 

Treatment-bathe todger very carefully with warm soapy water to remove emulsion, or if gloss is involved-DO NOT use a brillo pad, paint remover or any other type of solvent, instead gently wipe with a soft cloth (or even better find an attractive young lady to do it for you) until clean then stick an empty plastic bottle over the dangly bit which solves both problems at once.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to find an attractive young lady with a soft cloth.

 

And today’s thought:

  

Bugger! I’ve forgotten what it was.....

 

Angus