One class Post: CHunt and Medics: U-Turn Cam’s gangs U-Turns: An Icedickle: Chicken shit court case: Elfandsafety cancels1066: and a Pillock of a Pussy.

Volumous amounts of atmospheric movement, vast stocks of skywater, vestiges of lack of cold and very little solar activity at the Castle this morn, orf out to find somewhere that actually has any shops left with free parking and covered walkways-I may be gorn some time....

 

According to Ofcom

First class stamps could be a thing of the past, “they” want to axe the two-tier system of first and second-class postage and put an end to next-day mail.

Instead a single stamp would cost 53p with letters taking two days to arrive.

At present a first-class stamp, which should mean post arrives the next day, costs 60p while second-class, which takes up to three days, is 50p.

Ofcom is thinking of making the change after surveying customers.

The poll revealed that six out of 10 users want Royal Mail to drop the two classes of stamp.

Allegedly given a choice, 58 per cent of firms questioned preferred a single two-day service.

Researchers found that the public relies less on post in favour of the internet, email, phone and text.

The number of postal items sent by customers each week has more than halved from an average of 3.5 items to 1.5 items over the past six years. And nearly a quarter of consumers expect to send even less mail in three years' time.

The proposal is subject to a public consultation, which closes on December 18. 

Wouldn’t make a difference, I don’t think I have ever got a letter the next day after posting even with a ‘first class stamp’.

 

All over mistreated Blighty

During the last month of this year the UK's 220,000 doctors will have annual appraisals, with a decision taken every five years on whether they are fit to continue working.

But it will be April 2016 before the vast majority of the first round of checks has been done.

Elf secretary Jeremy CHunt said it was about addressing "deficiencies" in skills and reckons that if doctors failed to satisfy the standards of the General Medical Council (GMC) they would be prevented from practising.

But he said the new system was about identifying where there were "gaps" in knowledge or skills and giving doctors a "chance to put it right".

He said the vast majority of doctors "do a brilliant job" but when the government carried out a survey last year of 300 health bodies, there were "serious concerns" with 0.7% of doctors - a figure Mr Hunt described as "significant".

"At the end of the day if the GMC is not satisfied that someone is up to speed then, yes, they will be prevented from practising," he told BBC Breakfast.  

According to Niall Dickson the top knob at the General Medical Council "This is an historic moment. It is the biggest change in medical regulation for 150 years [since the creation of the GMC]."

He said the system should help improve quality, but he admitted the health industry had been "slow to recognise" the importance of such checks.

The introduction of regular checks - dubbed a medical MOT - has been talked about for more than 30 years.

Serious consideration started being given to the issue in the mid-1990s.

 

 So after thirty years “they” have finally got orf their arses and come up with a scheme which will do bugger all to stop patients being maimed and killed by Piss Poor Medics because:

 

Each NHS organisation from hospitals to local networks of GP practices will have a responsible officer, such as a medical director, in charge of revalidation.

They will assess the annual appraisals along with feedback from patients and colleagues to make a recommendation about revalidation to the GMC every five years.

Minor issues that do not constitute a risk to safety may lead to revalidation being deferred for a short period, but major problems will result in the doctor not having their licence to practise revalidated.

 

Waste of time and money...if your medic tries to kill you forget about the complaints procedure (it doesn’t work) just sue the bugger and refer him/her to the Piss Poor GMC.

 

Back in the day Thatcher the snatcher refused to do a 180

 

But it seems that the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition do not have the same strength of will.

Here is the full list of government u-turns from the Torygraph:

Destruction of buzzard nests, Pasty tax, Caravan tax, Secret justice, Euro veto, Employment law reform, Joint strike fighter, Sentencing, Health reforms, Forest sell-off, State retirement age for women, Anonymity for rape defendants, Personal photographer on public payroll, Free school milk cuts, Bookstart funding, Financial Inclusion Fund, Housing benefit cut for jobless, Immigration pledge, Coastguard cuts, Circus animals ban, World Service cuts, Mobility benefit cut, Youth Justice Board, Chief coroner, Knife crime sentencing, Domestic violence protection orders, Ofsted snap school inspections, Child benefit, Video games tax relief, NHS targets, Plans to recall MPs, Charity Tax, Petrol duty, Assault payouts, West Coast mainline, and Energy tariffs.

 

I make that 36 times that the tossers have changed their minds since they were not elected into power.

 

Makes you proud-doesn’t it?

 

Right a bit to-somewhere

 

A "man" is standing in a garden in just his swimming trunks next to a frozen pool.

Clearly revelling in his moment in front of the camera, the confident showman gets down on one knee as he takes a second to admire his own muscle-bound physique.

After striking a rock star pose followed by a Usian Bolt lightning strike, the German-speaking man then launches himself at full speed towards the frozen pool.

Said Numpty fails to break the ice, landing on the slippery surface with a loud thud.

 

Bet that hurt, at least I hope it did...

 

Right even more to the place that used to be Rhodesia

A Zimbabwean man assaulted his wife and dragged her to a village court last week where she was found guilty of disobeying custom by failing to give him the juiciest pieces of chicken.

Nomusa Sibanda, 24, gave her husband the gizzard, wings and one drumstick and ate the chicken breast and second drumstick herself, according to local newspaper, The Sunday News.

Jabulani Ncube, 40 was incensed and beat up his wife who fled to her grandmother's house.

The next day, he forced her to attend the village court where he complained to the traditional leaders in the Nkayi Communal Land, 100 miles north east of Zimbabwe's second city Bulawayo, that his wife was "uncultured and disrespectful".

He warned that he would seek a divorce if she again failed to give him the drumsticks and breast which in traditional culture are due to the man of the house.

Mrs Sibanda was unrepentant and told the court: "How long shall I slaughter chickens and not taste the back portion?"

 

Till you manage to reach the twenty first century mate....

 

And back in Blighty and dahn to Sussex

 

The Normans and Saxons didn’t manage to re-enact the battle of Hastings in Sussex on Sunday.

English Heritage said the recreation of the famous 1066 battle, held on what is believed to be the original battlefield, could not go ahead because- of  Elfandsafety: 'Although the forecast was for fair weather, unexpected torrential rain over several hours resulted in unacceptably high levels of mud both on the battlefield and on public areas,' a spokesman said.

'For safety reasons, the event cannot go ahead.’

 

Nothing worse than rusty armour....

 

And finally: 

Back over to the right a bit

 

A Pillock of a puss managed to get stuck up a tree, then on a roof and finally ending up in the ventilation system of a block of flats where she had to be freed by firemen.

Fleck, was first spotted by anxious residents hanging from the top of the tree, tenants at the block of flats raised the alarm and called their local fire brigade; however - by the time her rescuers arrived, the cat had managed to scramble onto a nearby rooftop.

When firemen tried to free the pet from the roof they discovered Fleck had vanished and assumed she had made her own way to safety.

But a short while later they were called back again when locals realised the cat had got into the ventilation system of the block of flats, in Essen, Germany.

Fire Brigade spokesman Mike Filzen said: "We could hear her calling and getting deeper and deeper into the building all the time.

"Eventually she seemed to get finally stuck in a bathroom in one of the flats so we resorted to a hammer and chisel to make a hole in the wall, and then used a linen basket to catch her and bring her to safety," he added, speaking to the Austrian Times.

Fleck was then reunited with her owner Katarina Schell, 36, who also agreed to pay a builder to fix the hole in the wall of the bathroom.

 

I do like a pussy with character...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to get the tape measure out.

 

And today’s thought:

It comes to us all-eventually

 

 

Angus

Dopey’s rent block: Ryanair girls: Freya and Larry fight over Downing Street: Accident prone Dave: BUPA bondage: and Damien’s dead “art”.

Minor amounts of lack of cold, major amounts of atmospheric movement, middling amounts of skywater and bugger all solar activity at the Castle this morn.

The painty thing on vertical and horizontal surfaces is finally over, everything has been cleaned with my super-duper steam thingy (which is really good at getting paint out of carpets) and all the do-dahs have been put back in place, time to have a “Dave” chillax... 

And Blogger has decided it doesn't want to play nicely this Thurday morn.

 

Next to the leaning tower of Westminster

 

The Bercow tweeter is apparently in a bit of a huff because he allegedly tried to block the publication of details of MPs' expenses payments which could show if they are renting taxpayer-funded homes to one another.

According to the most intellectually challenged Dwarf doing so would pose a security risk, and that publication of landlords' names "could involve causing unwarranted damage and distress" to MPs.

A spokesman for Ipsa said: "We are committed to transparency as is shown by our regular publication of all claims by all MPs. We have a duty to balance that against the risk of compromising security."

 

Bollocks...

 

The pay to pee airline has published next year’s calendar

 

Last year Ryanair found itself in hot water with the Advertising Standards Authority after their sexy staff stripped for a charity calendar, so they have done it again.

 

Featuring 12 of Ryanair's real cabin crew stripped down to swimmers or underwear, the girls of Ryanair cabin crew charity calendar 2013 aims to raise £100,000 for Polish charity TVN.

The 2012 calendar drew hundreds of complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority. Most complained about the sexually suggestive nature of the photographs after they were printed in an advertising campaign run in a British national newspaper.

However, the ASA didn't like this and released a statement saying: "We also considered that most readers would interpret these images, in conjunction with the text 'Red hot fares & crew!!!' and the names of the women, as linking female cabin crew with sexually suggestive behaviour."

Ryanair found a simple solution - they pulled the ads but still sold the calendar onboard their flights, which is what they looking to do again.

 

And the problem is?

 

Up in the bike gate part of the Smoke

 

Apparently someone in Downing Street has denied rumours of a feud between cats belonging to the chancellor and prime minister after they were pictured fighting.

George Osborne's Freya was photographed slugging David Cameron's Larry with a nasty-looking left claw, the evidence being posted on Twitter.

But the PM's spokeswoman insisted the two tabbies were able to "co-exist".

She added that she would not "get into commenting on the adventures of our feline friends".

 

A bit like the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition then....

 

It seems that Dave is not a lucky chap

 

Accident-prone Dave’s are more likely to trip and hurt themselves, pull muscles at work or cut themselves.

David is top of the nation’s bad luck league, as more men who share his name make personal injury claims than any other blokes. 

Allegedly the unluckiest male names are

1. David

2. James

3. Stephen

4. Andrew

5. Chris

6. Mohammed

7. Michael

8. John

9. Daniel

10. Alex

Unluckiest female names are

1. Joanne

2. Emma

3. Clare

4. Karen

5. Lisa

6. Laura

7. Helen

8. Rebecca

9. Hannah

10. Julie

Unluckiest years of birth are

1.1989

2. 1987

3. 1991

4. 1986

5. 1988

 

No surprise there then, so if your name is Dave and you were spawned in 1989, stay in bed...

  

Somewhere in the BUPA-sphere

 

Manager of a Bupa care home, Lesley Weir, exposed herself to two pensioners and boasted of enjoying 'unspeakable' sadomasochistic sex acts, a hearing has been told.

Lesley Weir, who also bent a colleague over a desk to spank him, faces being struck off.

She boasted of “unspeakable” bondage sessions and showed colleagues marks on her breasts, buttocks and upper thighs during staff briefings, the Nursing and Midwifery Council ruled.

Another former colleague at the Amerind Grove home, in Ashton, Bristol, told the hearing that Ms Weir had showed off bruises on her buttocks and breasts and talked of the “unspeakable things” she liked having done to her.

Ms Weir had lifted her skirt at two pensioners as they visited a friend at the home, the hearing was told. Terry Lewis, 76, said he had complained that underwear belonging to their 93-year-old friend, who suffered from dementia, had gone missing, to which Ms Weir replied that he should be “on knicker inspection”.

She then told the man he could inspect her underwear first “because I’m not wearing any”, before lifting her skirt.

The council must now decide whether her actions while manager between February 2008 and August 2010 amounted to misconduct and whether her fitness to practise is impaired.

 

You think?

 

And finally: 

Up in the Smoke to the Tate thingy

Damien Hirst has come under fire after it emerged that more than 9,000 butterflies died as part of an art work in his latest exhibition.

Visitors to the exhibit at the Tate Modern in London observed the insects close-up as they flew, rested, and fed on bowls of fruit.

Figures obtained from the Tate reveal that more than 9,000 butterflies died during the 23 weeks that the exhibition was open.

Each week it was replenished with approximately 400 live butterflies to replace those that died – some of them trodden underfoot, others injured when they landed on visitors’ clothing and were brushed off.

The exhibit used butterflies of the Owl and Heliconius species, which come from tropical regions and live for up to nine months in the wild. Those used in the exhibition are believed to have survived for between a few hours and several days.

Visitors saw the butterfly pupae pinned to white canvases while adult specimens flew freely around the rooms, feeding on flowers and sugar water as well as fruit.

The Tate’s description of In and Out of Love said “the themes of life and death as well as beauty and horror are highlighted, dualities that are prevalent in much of the artist’s work”.

 

Cruel bollocks...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to shove a nanoelectromechanical resonator into my mobile

 

And today’s thought:

Where’s Dopey gorn?

 

 

Angus

Universal Rodney’s: “Art” Dahn Unda: Dream Machine: Shotgun engagements: and the Battersea bless...

Rainy rain, windy wind, warmy warm and invisible solar stuff at the Castle this morn, finally finished the painty coloured stuff on anything that doesn’t move, that is the smallest room, bathroom, landing, stairs, lobby and the kitchen sorted, all I have to do now is put all the bits back that had to be removed and have a cleanup.

 

Up in the place next to the leaning tower of Westminster

 

Apparently the irritable bowel twins plan to introduce “universal benefits” (new benefits system set to replace a number of key current benefits, including some Income Support; Income based Job Seekers Allowance, Housing Benefit and Tax Credits) is causing a bit of a problem, according to an inquiry led by Baroness Tanni Grey-Thompson up to half a million disabled people and their families will be worse off.

Cuts to child disability payments and to support for the most severely disabled are likely to result in people struggling to pay for essentials such as food and heating, says the report which is backed by The Children's Society, Citizens Advice and Disability Rights UK.

Many disabled people who are already finding it difficult to make ends meet face further hardship under the new benefit system, it adds.

The report warns that up to 230,000 severely disabled people who do not have another adult to assist them will get between £28 and £58 less in support every week. It also reveals that 100,000 disabled children stand to lose up to £28 a week, while 116,000 disabled people who work risk losing up to £40 per week from payments towards additional costs of being disabled.

 

Universal Rodney 1

 

And U-Turn Cam’s alien reptile in disguise

Is under fire from the other bit of the non elected Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition because son of a B........aronet George (I am looking forward to my massive pay rise) Osborne wants to freeze state benefits for the unemployed and poor from next April to compensate for what he regards as a generous 5.2 per cent increase in benefits in April this year.

What’s his name who is allegedly the deputy Prime Monster is going to “negotiate” with the Chancellor ahead of the statement on 5th December and is expected to argue for most benefits to rise in line with the CPI. 

Universal Rodney 2

 

Which brings me to old farts

The basic state pension will rise by a minimum of just under £2.69 a week or 2.5 per cent next year despite todays lower inflation figures.

The rate of consumer prices index (CPI) inflation in September is traditionally used as a measure to determine next year's benefit increases, and today's figures showed that CPI fell to 2.2% in this month, the lowest level since November 2009.

But under a Government guarantee put in place when it changed the way it calculates state pension increases, pensions must rise by at least 2.5 per cent.

This still works out, however, at around £5.20 less a year for pensioners than if the Government had used the often faster-rising retail price index (RPI) inflation measure, which was previously used to calculate pension rises.

This means an increase of £2.69 a week next year on the current basic state pension for a man or a woman of £107.45 a week.

Or 38p a day...

 

Which won’t even cover the cost of a second class stamp... 

 

Dahn Unda

 

There is an elephant in the room because of the cost of a new bit of “artwork” in Queensland, A statue of an elephant tipped on its head and eyeballing a water rat is the latest artwork to be condemned as an "appalling waste" of money by the Newman Government.

The five-metre high bronzed statue was commissioned for Queensland's Gallery of Modern Art by the ousted Bligh government at a cost of just over $1 million.

Former gallery director Tony Ellwood, who left the state this year, had previously praised the work as "simultaneously contemplative and humorous" and predicted it would become an "enormously popular emblem" for GOMA.

 

No wonder he pissed orf...

 

Left to the big bit of fruit

A couple of scientists have built a sleeping mask designed to allow people to have lucid dreams that they can control.

The Remee has been billed as a special REM (Rapid Eye Movement) enhancing device that is supposed to help steer the sleeper into lucid dreaming by making the brain aware that it is dreaming.

The goal of the product is to allow people to have the dreams of their choice, from driving a race car to flying to having lunch with Abraham Lincoln.

The ‘futuristic’ invention is the brainchild of Duncan Frazier and Steve McGuigan, both aged 30, who have started a company named Bitbanger Labs.

The two friends put up their project on the crowd funding website Kickstarter with the goal of raising $35,000. By this week, more than 6,550 people pledged $572,891 to fund Remee.

The inside of the sleeping mask features a series of six red LED lights that are too faint to wake the sleeper up, but visible enough for the brain to register them.

The lights can be programmed to produce a sequence designed by the user.

McGuigan said that he uses his Remee several times a week, but he admitted that reaching a state of lucidity can be 'hard' and does not happen every time.

Think I’ll wait for the Remee 2, or 3 or maybe 4...

 

Still in the land of the right to bear arms

A jewellery store in Iowa is offering an engaging deal — a free hunting rifle to customers who purchase a wedding engagement ring.

The official promotion rules require a customer to spend at least $1,999 on an engagement ring purchased before October 31, 2012. They will then receive a voucher for a Remington 870 hunting rifle that can be redeemed at local retailer Fin and Feather. A standard Remington 870 can typically be purchased for under $500, those there are more expensive options available, including those with accessories such as scopes. The Remington 870 is typically used for hunting and sport shooting but is also kept by some as a means of home defence. The 870 is also popular with military and police organizations around the world. In the U.S. it is employed by the Military, Secret Service, Coast Guard, Border Patrol, IRS and even the Department of Education.

 

Now, shotguns in the classroom I can understand....

 

And finally:

 

Back in Blighty and up to the place that used to have a power station

An abandoned kitten and puppy at Battersea Dogs & Cats Home have dispelled the age old saying ‘fighting like dogs and cats’ by becoming best friends.

At just weeks old, Buttons the dog and Kitty the cat were both abandoned. Now they are now being hand-reared together at the animal home and have become very close.

In fact the inseparable pair are so close they sleep together, play together and even feed together.

Battersea Veterinary Nurse Sascha Taylor. She says: "Normally we’d hand rear puppies and kittens separately but we thought we could try putting them together as they are both so young.

 

Kitty looks like his Maj.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to get some pirated fish

 

And today’s thought:

I know I put my glasses somewhere.

 

 

Angus

 

IPSA and austerity: £1.5 billion sprouts: Dahn Unda fuels: Rainwater tax: Smart E Pants: and a Big bike.

Out of atmospheric movement, oodles of lack of warm, overdone on the solar stuff and only a smidge of skywater at the Castle this morn, last day of putting white glossy stuff on the woodwork-just one door and a few yards of skirting to go.

 

Next to the leaning tower of Westminster

Allegedly IPSA (the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority) has come up with a cunning plan to increase costs during this age of “austerity”, they want to bump up MPs salaries from £65,738 to £92,000 per horriblis annum from 2015 under plans to link politicians’ pay to average earnings.

In a consultation document yesterday Ipsa dismissed the idea that their salaries should be linked to those of higher-earning public sector professionals, such as doctors or head teachers.

It said, however, that there could be a case for a “simple formula” to determine MPs’ pay increases during a five-year parliament.

“There have been suggestions that we could base the level of MPs’ pay on a multiple of national average earnings. We could then also index MPs’ pay so that it would remain at the same multiple of national average earnings each year,” it said.

“At the moment, MPs’ annual salary is approximately 2.5 to 2.9 times national annual average earnings, depending on which measure is used.”

Its review said suggestions for the appropriate multiplier for calculating salaries had ranged “from 1.5 to 4 times national average earnings”.

On the basis that the current average pay is £23,000 a year, four times that amount would produce a pay packet of around £92,000 for MPs.

It also rejected the notion of basing remuneration on performance or time served in the Commons and suggested a link to earnings before entering parliament would “disadvantage some candidates”.

 

But don’t forget- we aren’t all in this together...

 

And right a bit to the place of pointless Pillocks

Apparently bollixed up Blighty may face an extra £1.5 billion bill to pay for the increased costs of Brussels bureaucracy, as governments warn that the cost of pensions for EU officials is set to double.

According to the Torygraph they have seen a confidential letter, signed by Britain and seven other governments, which reveals that they are "very concerned" because the cost of EU pensions is forecast to double to more than £2 billion a year by 2045.

Eurocrats already retire on a gold-plated 60 per cent of final salary scheme – on average £57,000 each – which costs the cash-strapped national governments almost £1 billion a year. But it is growing fast because of the increased number of staff employed as the EU expanded from 15 to 27 countries since 2004.

The letter, from the eight countries that pay more into the EU budget than they get out of it in benefits, also reveals that the European Commission is demanding a 26 per cent increase to pay for the costs of its civil service for the next seven year budget period.

The proposed 2014 to 2020 budget would take the cost of the European civil service from £45 billion to £57bn, an increase that countries say is wrong at a time when national public sector workers are facing job losses and pay freezes or cuts.

 

Fuck orf!!!

 

Dahn Unda

 

An Australian Institute of Petroleum weekly report shows the national price for unleaded petrol rose 0.8 cents to an average price of 146.5 cents a litre for the week ending October 14.

The metropolitan price rose 0.5 cents to 145.1 cents a litre, while the average regional price increased 1.1 cents to 149.3 cents a litre.

CommSec economist Savanth Sebastian says fuel prices are near the highest prices in five months and the likelihood is for more petrol rises.

"The terminal gate (wholesale price) has risen by a further two cents over the past week and it is likely that fuel prices will track highly over the coming fortnight," he said.

The average national terminal gate price for unleaded petrol was 137.9 cents a litre on Monday, up 2.0 cents on a week ago, CommSec said.

He said CommSec forecast the national average petrol price could rise between two to three cents a litre over the next fortnight.

Melbourne had the cheapest unleaded fuel last week, down 1.7 cents to 142.2 cents a litre*, while Darwin remained the dearest, up 0.3 cents to 161.6 cents a litre.

 

*which works out at 90.48p per litre of go juice, lucky buggers, think I will move to Oz and get a job as a barman....

 

Back in united Europe

To the land where they are all in Blighty the Polish Gov is considering a draft law, which stipulates a tax for rainwater. Common citizens, who own a house or an apartment, as well as businessmen and traders, will have to pay for rain. The amount of the tax will directly depend on the square footage of the roof that they have in their property, Noviye Izvestia reports.

The bill was prepared by the ruling party of Poland, Civic Platform. In reality, it does not go about rain - the bill targets the collective disposal of sewage. During rainfalls, the sewage system deals with a significant load which is particularly high at such places as car parks, near major shopping centres and in industrial areas, reports The 8^th Channel.

As an experiment, this procedure has already been introduced in several cities of the country. The majority of ministers believe that the experiment was successful. The residents of Poznan, Koszalin, Bielsko-Biala, Bytom and Vrotslav have paid the tax. They pay an average of $10-15 per year, whereas the municipal budget receives $1.5-2 million, Vesti.ru reports.

 

Do not even think about it Prime Monster...

 

Left to the home of the immovable and the land of the irresistible

Scientists have developed underwear with built-in electrodes that deliver small electric shocks to combat bed sores in patients who are in a coma or who have injuries that have immobilised them.

At the annual meeting of the Society for Neuroscience in New Orleans on Monday, they reported results from a trial of the "Smart-e-Pants" system, a way to reduce the incidence and costs of treating bed sores – also known as pressure ulcers – by electrically stimulating the buttock muscles of patients.

Sean Dukelow of the department of clinical neuroscience at the University of Calgary in Canada, who led the study, said the pants worked so well in the small trial that none of the patients involved got pressure ulcers for the month of the experiment. "Most of them wanted to keep the device after they were done," he said.

 

Wonder if you can wear them back to front?

 

And finally:

 

Right to the place where water-water is everywhere

At 1,650 pounds, this bike built by Wouter van den Bosch of the Netherlands is the heaviest rideable bike in the world -- and was ridden in Arnhem (also in the Netherlands) back in 2010.

 

He’s been smoking some good shit....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to check out Spintronic technology

 

And today’s thought:

Jim fixed it for anyone he could get his hands on

 

Angus

Three Core War: Minister of nit-picking: Free-fall bears: 11,721,000,000,000,000 Euros phone bill: and the fastest pram......in the world...

Lack of lack of cold, less solar stuff, limited atmospheric movement and lower amounts of sky water at the Castle this morn.

Took a day orf yesterday, back to putting non coloured stuff on both sides of eight doors, the woodwork dahn the staircase and twenty yards of skirting boards today.

 

Up where the intellectually challenged “leaders” infest

According to Three Core Cable what is left of Europe could be plunged into war if the Euro goes tits up, he thinks that “the consequences would be “incalculable” and added there was “no automatic guarantee” that Europe would not disintegrate into conflict.” 

 Just one thought; which countries can afford to go to war? Most of the European population is in Blighty.

 

And still in the place of pedantic Pillocks

 

Tory minister Owen Paterson is busy getting everyone around him up to speed… on the use of grammar.

The new Food Secretary has issued a strict guide detailing exactly how staff should draw up his paperwork – including the proper use of semicolons

Privately educated Mr Paterson is accused of losing sight of the big picture after instructing Whitehall mandarins never to start a sentence with “and” or “but” – and insisting neither word must appear next to a comma.

They are also told to “maximise the use of semicolons to link related clauses” and “there should be a verb either side of the semicolon”.

In the document, revealed under freedom of information laws, staff have been ordered to avoid dashes, limit colons to lists and “minimise the use of brackets”.

They are warned: “You will only ever get away with one set of brackets in a sentence.”

Mr Paterson, 56, who studied at £30,000-a-year Radley College and Cambridge, produced his nit-picking charter after David Cameron promoted him in last month’s Cabinet reshuffle following the sacking of Caroline Spelman.

 

Pillock Paterson's rules

Keep sentences short – the simpler the better

Avoid jargon, dashes and brackets

Use maximum of one ‘and’ per sentence

Never begin with ‘and’ or ‘but’ and never use them with a comma

Maximise semicolons to link related clauses; use a verb either side

Use colons to start lists; commas between items 

Nice to see that the Tory Tosspot has his priorities right, “if” he read-this blog; he would have a seizure: (wanker)....

 

Left to Montana

 

Forget about the lunatic that threw himself out of a balloon 23 miles up, here are some real free fallers, Montana wildlife officials on Thursday had to sedate a black bear and her two cubs after they had climbed up a tree on the grounds of a hotel in Missoula. The bears fell into a net, and the hotel even provided pillows to help break their fall. 

Proper Job..,

 

Right a bit to the land of our nearest “neighbours”

Solenne San Jose, from Pessac, in the Bordeaux region of France, terminated her contract with Bouygues Telecom in September, reports the French newspaper Sud Ouest. When she got her bill on Sept. 28 with the cancellation fee, she said she "almost had a heart attack."

She was told 11,721,000,000,000,000 Euros — which is about $15 quadrillion or nearly 6,000 times more than her country's GDP — would automatically be withdrawn from her account.

"It was so many zeroes I couldn't even figure out how much it was," she told the newspaper.

Eventually, Bouygues admitted the amount was a mistake, but not before many frustrating hours of San Jose pleading and arguing with customer service reps on the phone.

One operator told her she could pay in instalments — 11,721 million, million of them.

 

Finally, they admitted the error. Her actual bill? $149.

 Well; if you don’t ask.....

 

And finally: 

Up a whimsy to the shire of Lincoln

A lazy new dad has built the world's fastest motorised pram to save the effort of having to push it.

Plumber Colin Furze added a powerful engine to his silver metal pushchair, giving it an incredible top speed of 50mph.

But the 33-year-old, from Stamford, Lincolnshire, says it's too powerful to go at top speeds with baby son Jake.

He spent four weeks and £450 designing and making the pushchair, which has a 125cc motorbike engine hidden between the wheels.

Mr Furze uses an accelerator and brake levers to control the speed, gears to go up hills, and the handle to steer.

 

Worzel Furze?

 

That’s it: I’m orf to make my electronic stuff invisible

 

And today’s thought:

Time to get a life

 

Angus

Driving us to death: Mechanical morons: Sam Cam’s old motor: Car kids: Welsh Wanker: Eye-eye what’s this then?: and a Good Neighbour.

Loads of lack of warm, little atmospheric movement, less solar activity and lean amounts of skywater at the Castle this morn.

Going to “do” the last bit of splashing coloured stuff on the vertical bits, some of the high horizontal bits and low flat bits this weekend, the ladder is out and I have a parachute and safety net at the ready.

 

According to the Torygraph

Motorists are putting off essential maintenance on their cars because of the rising cost of driving, a survey has discovered.

Eight per cent of people admitted to delaying essential car maintenance, and 37 per cent to ignoring strange engine noises and dashboard warning lights. 47 per cent delay tyre replacement until the tread is at or below the legal minimum, and 22 per cent who do not replace brake pads. The result, if taken across total car ownership, is about one million cars on the road with unsafe tyres and brakes, said Halfords.

The survey also revealed that in order to save money 27 per cent of people said they had switched from main dealerships to independent garages.

 

Dangerously interesting...

 

Which brings me to

This: younger men are more likely to be able to bake a cake than change a tyre, a survey has revealed.

The poll in a survey carried out for JCB Toughphones showed that one in five men under 24 admitted they had never gotten their hands dirty doing DIY tasks.

It revealed that only 15 per cent knew how to jump-start a car, 17 per cent to change a tyre and only 28 per cent said they could change a plug.

But it appears the younger generation feel much more at home in the kitchen with over 70 per cent knowing how to bake a cake.

Those in the 25-34 age group fared marginally better but were similarly useless compared with older men.

Men aged 45 and older were much handier with "manly" jobs, with three-quarters of men over 55 knowing how to tackle more challenging tasks such as wallpapering.

 

Interestingly dangerous...

 

Up in the Norf-ish bit of battered Blighty

A 1971 Fiat 500 L once owned by Prime Minister David Cameron is being auctioned on November 17.

The fully restored car has been estimated at between £8,000 to £12,000 by Silverstone Auctions and will go under the hammer on November 17 at the Footman James Classic Motor Show at the NEC.

It was bought by pre-U-Turn Cam in 1998 as a surprise birthday present for his wife Samantha. The Cameron’s covered only about 1,000 miles in the 10 years that they owned the diminutive Fiat, which has a 499cc twin-cylinder engine.

The car comes with supporting paperwork confirming the prime Monster’s ownership, including a signed letter from him on House of Commons headed paper.

 

Piece of seventies Italian shite....

 

East to the dark continent and dahn to Sarf Africa

Nursery school teacher Melanie Minnie was pulled over by police in South Africa after they spotted her and more than a lot of kiddlies in her motor heading for a burger bar.

Officers found a total of nineteen passengers under the age of consent- Six children were found in the car’s boot, at least three were on the front seat and the remaining 10 piled into the back.

The toddlers were eventually removed from the car, all unharmed.

Ms Minnie told police she was in the process of ferrying a second car-load of youngsters back to the nursery.

Apparently, another 12 children had already been bundled into the Clio.

She was fined just over £100 after admitting she overloaded the motor for the bizarre trip

 

What a cupid stunt...

 

Left to Welsh Wales

Welsh bachelor Gareth Lloyd, 49, has avoided a jail term after making nearly 6,000 phone calls in three months saying his manhood was stuck in household objects including a jam jar and a vacuum cleaner.

The court heard an extensive search was launched to track down the nuisance caller.

Lloyd, of Bryn y Coed, Holywell, made 5,800 calls from an unregistered pay-as-you-go mobile phone between February and April.

BT traced the number but police could not find him.

He was only caught when his number came up on another mobile phone police were analysing.

Lloyd admitted making calls which caused annoyance, inconvenience and needless anxiety, and making calls which were grossly offensive.

He was given a 12-month community order after pleading guilty to three charges under the Telecommunications Act.

 

That guy needs a proper hobby....

 

Left to the home of big and the land of old blue eyes

Word that a giant eyeball had washed up on a South Florida beach has created a buzz on the Internet and in the marine biology community.

The huge, blue eyeball may have come from a deep sea squid or a large sword fish, said Heather Bracken-Grissom, an assistant professor in the marine science program at Florida International University in Miami.

A man found the eyeball while taking a morning stroll along Pompano Beach just north of Fort Lauderdale. He contacted state wildlife officials, who took possession of the softball-sized eyeball.

Allegedly the eyeball's lens and pupil are similar in shape to that of a deep sea squid. She noted that a deep sea squid's eyeball can be as large as a soccer ball and can easily become dislodged.

The mystery likely won't be solved until testing on the eyeball is completed at the Florida Fish and Wildlife Research Institute in St. Petersburg.

 

Well, eye’ll be buggered....

 

And finally:

 

From my old friend Bernard the news hound

Comes this interesting piece of info

Click on the pic to read the item 

 

Missed out again.... 

That’s it: I’m orf to illuminate a manuscript

 

And today’s thought:

She can change my oil anytime she wants

 

 

Angus