Royal dictators: Off the rails: Park and pay, and pay, and…..: Changing room rage: Hanging out in Austria: National trait: and Poo paper.

Pleasantly cool at the Castle this morn, unlike last dark thing when it was like trying to sleep in a sauna, I was woken early this morn by a passing thunderstorm which unfortunately-passed but I did get to see the lightning and hear the thunder, so off to water the hanging baskets, the wall boxes and the pots-again.

Apparently there is to be some sort of “Royal” bash next Friday, it seems that a tall, thin, balding bloke with big teeth is getting hitched to some common bird.

Angus hasn’t received his invite-just an oversight I’m sure, but among those “Lucky” enough to attend will be the Crown Prince of Bahrain whose Gulf state has violently suppressed democracy protests in recent months.

King Mswati III of Swaziland, who has been criticised by Amnesty International after using armed security forces to crush peaceful demonstrations.

And someone from Saudi Arabia.

Libya's UK ambassador had his invitation rescinded after fighting began, but Zimbabwe's ambassador to Britain, Gabriel Machinga, remains invited.

Former Labour Prime ministers Tony Blair and Gordon Brown have been overlooked.

Glad I am not going.

Allegedly Network Rail may be broken up as leaked review outlines drastic measures to cut £5bn subsidy.

Apparently millions of rail passengers face misery under dramatic plans to allow fares to rocket while closing ticket offices and firing on-board staff, The Independent on Sunday has learnt.

Leaked documents reveal that a government rail review will suggest that ticket pricing is too complex, too subsidised, over-regulated and inadequate at managing rush-hour demand. It sets out plans to slash staff numbers while proposing the de-centralisation of Network Rail and its possible break-up.

Remember-“We are all in this together”.

And continuing with rip off Britain

New figures show more than 40 councils across Britain are adding metered spaces or permit zones to streets where drivers currently park for free.

Liverpool, Gloucestershire and Blackpool are among those facing the biggest increases, in a sign that "residents parking zones" and other cash-producing charges are spreading beyond the centres of the busiest cities.

In total, at least 63 miles of new restrictions are planned – enough to stretch from London to Northampton.

"Councils are treating motorists as an easy source of revenue, using price rises to fill empty coffers," said Nigel Humphries, spokesman for the Association of British Drivers.

Official estimates made by councils indicate Britain's 30 million motorists will pay a record £1.48bn in pay-and-display charges, permits and fines this financial year, equivalent to £50 each.

It comes on top of a sharp rise in car insurance premiums in the past year while petrol was last night at an all-time high average price of £1.36 a litre. In some areas it is significantly more expensive.

The average price of two hours' on-street parking across Britain is to rise eight per cent, from £1.34 to £1.44, with more than 40 councils proposing price increases.

Critics say councils are using drivers as a cash cow, imposing inflation-busting rises to make up for severe losses in income from central Government and a freeze in council tax.

You think?

Still in busted Blighty

According to a new study three-quarters of women suffer from 'changing room rage' when they are shopping,

Cramped, cluttered and exposed fitting rooms can make trying on clothes such a traumatic experience that it manifests itself in feelings of anger, disappointment and bouts of bad temper.

The condition - dubbed CRR - can sometimes lead to shoppers snapping at retail assistants, storming out of stores and even losing self-confidence, according to the study of more than 1,200 women for isme.com.

Around 75% of shoppers questioned said they had stopped trying on clothes due to the state of changing rooms and half said they waited to try clothes on at home.

I used to quite enjoy waiting in the “clothes” shop when “M” was on a crusade to improve her wardrobe; exposed fitting rooms weren’t a problem for me….

Over to the land of-whatever

An Austrian couple tied the knot in the buff after trying to find a way to make sure they would never forget their wedding day.

Bride Melanie Schachner, 26, wore just a veil while groom Rene Schachner, 31, sported nothing but a top hat to cover his modesty when they got married in Feldkirchen.

"We're not ashamed of our bodies and we wanted to do something different. It certainly saved on a wedding dress," explained Melanie.

"It will certainly be a wedding our guests will never forget," added Rene.

The pair got hitched in a register office service in front of friends and family before celebrating in a castle.

No it wasn’t……..

British traits

More than a quarter of Britons think getting drunk abroad is a national characteristic, according to a survey released to mark England's national day.

An Opinium Research poll of 2,012 British adults found that 60 per cent thought drinking tea was a national trait, closely followed by talking about the weather.

Forty per cent associated a "stiff upper lip" mentality - stoicism in the face of adversity - with being British.

Meanwhile 32 per cent thought supporting the royal family was a British characteristic, as the country gears up for the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton on Friday.

Twenty-eight per cent thought that getting drunk abroad was a British attribute, while fewer than one in three thought working hard made people British.

"Our research has revealed that it's hard to pin down what it means to be British," said Opinium Research managing director James Endersby.

"With several stereotypical attributes making the list as well as wider personality traits, it goes to show that Britishness is a complex mix of characteristics."

Fewer than half of those surveyed in England knew April 23 was Saint George's Day.

Just 48 per cent knew the date celebrating England's patron saint - yet 57 per cent knew that Saint Patrick's Day, the Irish national day, was March 17.

In Northern Ireland, 100 per cent of those surveyed knew when Saint Patrick's Day was, while eight in 10 in Wales knew when Saint David's Day fell.

Despite the majority not knowing when Saint George's Day was, 61 per cent of English people described themselves as English rather than British.

Funny lot aren’t we……

And finally:

Forget recycled paper

The latest “green” stationary is made of Elephant crap, Michael Flancman runs the Great Elephant Poo Poo Paper Co., a unique, environmentally conscious company based in Thailand that specializes in turning elephant dung into paper goods and stationery.

Every week, Flancman and a team of employees visit elephant conservation parks near Chiang Mai to collect naturally dried elephant droppings.

After the poo is gathered, Flancman said it's carefully rinsed with water, leaving only the fibrous materials from the grasses, bamboo and fruits the elephants have eaten but couldn't digest.

Then, Flancman said, those fibers are thrown into a giant pot of boiling water to ensure an even more thorough cleansing and sterilization, leaving the fibers primed and ready to be made into paper.

Once additional fibres from pineapple plants and trees are thrown into the all-natural mix to add thickness, Flancman said his team separates the moist pulp into small cakes that are then spread over a mesh-bottomed tray and left out to dry naturally under the sun for several hours.

Once dry, the cakes transform into sheets of paper, and Flancman and his crew are able to peel them off the tray and start making Poo Poo Paper products.

Just don’t wrap your lunch in it…..

That’s it: I’m orf to laser the Honda.

And today’s thought:

Top Ten Reasons to Celebrate Easter

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments".

9. You look really, really good in yellow.

8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge.

7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad.

6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies.

5. It's a good time to check out your neighbourhood church and not be noticed.

4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason.

3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play."

2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot.

1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

Angus

Track a pledge: Piss Poor Policy Dave C and the old boys club: Think of a number: Holyrood no-go: The cars not to buy: and the Rattlesnake roundup.

‘Tis another spiffing start to the day at the Castle this morn, the hanging baskets and wall boxes have been watered, the birdbath has been refilled and as I sit here the Blue Tits are happily splashing away and having a drink. I spent quite a while on the sun lounger yesterday and even managed to take a few pics of the growing things.

Fed up with the Coalition millionaires club taking the piss?

The Guardian has come up with a cunning plan to track how the “Government” is doing on its pledges, click HERE to start the Pledge Tracker.

If you can be bothered……

And PPP Dave C has decided that it OK for middle-class families to give children a 'leg-up’ by exploiting their contacts — despite the practice being condemned by the deputy Prime Minister-what’s his name.

See above……

The latest bit of technology to come out of the colonies is a way to place a call on a cell phone (mobile) using just your thoughts.

The new brain-computer interface is almost 100 percent accurate for most people after only a brief training period.

The system was developed by Tzyy-Ping Jung, a researcher at the Swartz Center for Computational Neuroscience at the University of California, San Diego, and colleagues. Besides acting as an ultra portable aid for severely disabled people, the system might one day have broader uses, he says. For example, it could create the ultimate hands-free experience for cell-phone users, or be used to detect when drivers or air-traffic controllers are getting drowsy by sensing lapses in concentration.

First you have to be able to remember the bleedin number.

North of the border

Apparently hearses have been banned from driving through Holyrood Park because they are judged to be "commercial" vehicles.

Historic Scotland, which manages the park, has confirmed that funeral directors are being told that they are not allowed to drive through the park without special permission - and any hearses caught risk being stopped and slapped with a £30 on-the-spot fine.

They join taxi drivers, van drivers, mail delivery vans and coaches in being banned from the royal park.

News of the hearse ban came as police today released figures showing that 25 fixed penalty notices have been handed out to drivers of commercial vehicles since the crackdown was launched at the beginning of last month.

“They” even get you after you are dead.

‘Ello John; got a new motor?

Should have gone to swiftcover.com, looking at stats running from November 2009 to November 2010, it's worked out which cars are most likely to fall victim to petty damage inflicted by jealous troglodytes. And as you might suspect, it turns out this isn't entirely indiscriminate.

The vast majority of cars featuring in the top 10 slot into the executive class - with swiftcover.com even going so far as to label them status symbols. Contrast this with the UK's most popular car, the Ford Focus.

And in reverse order:

10-BMW 530.

9-BMW 525.

8-Skoda Octavia.

7-BMW X5

6-Maxda MX-5

5-Audi TT

4-Mercedes CLK

3-Mini One

2-BMW Z4

And the number one for vandalism is-

The Lexus IS.

No surprises there then, apart from number 8: you have been warned.

And finally:

Over the wet salty wobbly thing to Sweetwater.

The worlds largest Rattlesnake Roundup is underway in Sweetwater, drawing visitors from all over.

Here's what you need to know if you'd like to go to the 53rd Annual Rattlesnake Roundup

Gates Open: 8:00 am Saturday and Sunday Tickets: $7 adults and $4 kids 10 & under Nolan County Coliseum in Sweetwater Rattlesnake Dance: Saturday 9 pm - 1 am at "The Barn" on 4TH Street & Cypress Street

The roundup is going on all weekend.

Sounds like something to avoid like the plague.

That’s it: I’m orf to wait for Lyrids.

And today’s thought: Don't let aging get you down . . . It's too hard to get back up.

Angus

Three core Cable backs down: May-be May-be not: Holy pizza: Hop it with a fine: Dead Alien isn’t: and Fuelling a Numpty.

Yesterday’s meteorology didn’t turn out too well, it was cloudy for most of the day and cool-ish, but it did allow me to mow the grass, hedge the hedges, border the borders and shrub a few shrubs.

But today is spiffing at the Castle this morn, which will allow me to do sod all and just sit in the garden admiring my handiwork, apparently today is “Good Friday”, which didn’t turn out too well for JC, and as a sop to those who believe in such things it appears that “himself” has made a second coming on a Pizza which you can’t own by bidding on Ebay, because it has been snapped up for AU $153.

Each to his own…..slice.

Three Core Vince Cable has decided that he will stay in the Coalition Sideboard as “Business Secretary” After openly attacking the prime minister's stance on immigration and appearing alongside Mr Miliband, former Labour home secretary Alan Johnson, Green London Assembly member Darren Johnson and union leader Billy Hayes.

Not all good news then…..

And Theresa May has insisted she will not take in any of the migrants fleeing turmoil in northern Africa as concerns grow that they could head for UK shores.

The Home Secretary has told her EU counterparts that Britain is not prepared to join any “burden sharing” as tens of thousands of people cross in to Europe, The Daily Telegraph can disclose.

Italy, where the refugees are arriving on a daily basis, has urged its EU partners to help ease the pressure by accepting some of the migrants.

But at a meeting of her justice and home affairs counterparts last week Mrs May said Britain will only offer support to Italy to help deal with the issue there.

She will repeat her firm stance when the EU Justice and Home Affairs Council meet again next month.

Yeah right….why is it that I don’t believe anything the members of the Coalition Millionaires Club says?

Up North

A disabled man was given a £70 parking ticket after he pulled his car over because his false leg had fallen off.

Lee Scarrott, 47, had stopped his car to search for a suction cup that came off just before he drove away.

But he returned to find himself hit with the fine.

Mr Scarrott, who lost his right leg in a motorbike ­accident in 2007, said: “I was only gone for five minutes.”

Nottingham City Council initially rejected his appeal, but backed down when he threatened to go to the Traffic Penalty Tribunal

He will probably be targeted by the Dept of Witless Pillocks now; after all he could work as a one legged arse kicker…

Over to the cold bit of Europe

A video of the find shot by Timur Hilall, 18, and Kirill Vlasov, 19 - supposedly showing the alien's mangled body frozen in snow in Irkutsk, Siberia - became a world-wide sensation after appearing on YouTube.

Now the pair has admitted it was a prank after being quizzed by police over the stunt.

A Russian interior ministry spokesman said: 'We found the alien in one of the student's homes.

'It was lying under his bed and an examination of it revealed it had been made of bread crumbs which were then covered in chicken skin.'

Chicken shit Alien?

And finally:

Numpty-ism is a world wide affliction

Police say a Connecticut man poured about $200 worth of gasoline onto a city street then went to a scrap metal yard and tried to sell the empty container worth $60.

Emilio Valentine of Bridgeport was charged Tuesday with illegally dumping hazardous material. He was released on a promise to appear in court.

Stephen Scholz of PC Metals tells The Connecticut Post that the 52-year-old Valentine dumped the fuel as he was driving and the metal container was still dripping when he pulled into the scrap yard. Scholz told Valentine to leave.

Police say Valentine admitted dumping the gas only after failing in efforts to sell it.

The state Department of Environmental Protection cleaned up the mess.

A number for Valentine couldn’t be located.

Thank what’s his name for idiots.

That’s it: I’m orf to have a frack.

And today’s thought: "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on". - Sam Goldwyn.

Angus

Her Maj at 85: EU bollocks: Parlez vous francais?: Village idiots: Pussy up a tree: and Dear Dwarfs.

Yet another scorcher in the offing at the Castle this morn, still haven’t “done” the garden, or washed the windows, but I have cleared the kitchen of broken thingy’s for the Easter weekend.

As promised, the sad tale of the Rover and the Honda.

Last Tuesday I drove down the town and parked in the “open air” car park, paid my ransom to the council and did a bit of shopping.

About an hour later I returned to the Rover to find that some kind person had hit both nearside doors and driven off without leaving a note.

I rang my “Insurance Company” who told me that they wouldn’t pay up because I didn’t have anyone to blame and I could go away and procreate with myself.

That’s the bad news, the good news is that whilst on holiday at my sister’s place in Welsh Wales I mentioned that I was looking for a “new” car and it turns out that a Honda Civic was up for sale just down the road.

I had a look and the result is below, the thing that clinched it was the last bit of the number plate-very apt for a Dei.

That’s the good news.

Despite all the hardship, terrible living conditions and being married to Phil the Greek for all those years, her Maj has managed to make it to 85.

Click on the link above to see lillibet in pictures.

Bet Charlie is not a happy bunny this morn.

The EU money pit continues to siphon our cash

Here are some of the things we are paying for-

£94billion

The nine tenths of the EU's budget in 2009 that was “materially affected” by irregularities, projects that included the spending of more than £350,000 “improving the lifestyle and living standard of dogs” in Hungary.

£2billion

The annual cost of paying pensions to Eurocrats by 2040, British taxpayers will end up paying £350million of the total.

£136million

The amount British taxpayers paid for EU pensions in 2010, giving the average retired Eurocrat an income of almost £60,000.

You can see the rest by clicking on the link at the top, if your heart can stand the strain.

Over "la Manche"

The entire workforce of a British-owned factory in France is taking strike action because managers only speak English.

Around 184 French staff at the insulation firm are staging walk-outs because it is impossible to discuss wage rises and working conditions.

Shop steward Thierry Juvin said bosses could only say “bonjour” before talks broke down.

Staff has been downing tools three times a day since the English management took over.

France’s CGT union representative Pierrick Dumont said: “I don’t think it’s up to us to make the effort to speak English. We’re French workers based in France. Every meeting is an ordeal.

"We have to have someone who translates everything into English and then anything our boss says has to be translated into French. This makes dialogue extremely slow, if not impossible.”

The former director left Thermal Ceramics, which makes ceramic fibre insulation at Saint-Marcellin-en-Forez near Lyon, in January and an English acting chief who can’t speak French was appointed.

France has a notoriously nationalistic workforce, with staff frequently complaining about the growing Anglicisation of working practices – from English being used as the exclusive language of business to reduced lunch breaks.

Thermal Ceramics is part of the British Morgan Crucible Company and has four factories in France.

Well Baise-moi.

Back in British Blighty

Thieves hit a new low when they pinched the lead roof from a building in a model village.

The gang scaled a 9ft wall, cut through barbed wire and dodged security cameras to break into Merrivale Model Village in Great Yarmouth.

But despite their efforts, it’s ­estimated they’ll only make about £30 from the stolen slate.

Times are hard…..

Across the wet thing to the left

Buster has finally come down from a 150-foot pine tree in northwestern South Carolina after nine days, but the cat's owners aren't happy with local officials.

Linda Megretto told the Anderson Independent-Mail she expected to find the cat dead Monday, but her husband climbed a 40-foot ladder and coaxed the cat down.

Megretto says Buster stayed in the tree through two storms after becoming afraid when a neighbor chased the cat from his barking dog.

She says she called the Humane Society, fire department, police and animal control and got no help.

Sheriff's spokesman Chad McBride says there's no record she called.

Fire Chief Billy Gibson says firefighters no longer respond to such calls because of liability issues. Gibson says putting food at the base of a tree usually works.

Ah-the old Elfandsafety ploy….

And finally:

Right a fair bit to the North-ish bit of our green and sunny land.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will make do with child actors wearing masks instead when it runs at the Wolverhampton Grand Theatre in December, to keep costs down.

Theatre-goers said they felt cheated by the austerity measure while one dwarf actor, who was originally billed to perform, was said to be “devastated”.

The pantomime, starring former glamour model Linda Lusardi as the Wicked Queen, is now looking to recruit child actors to fill the seven slots vacated by dwarfs.

Jonathan Kiley, the executive producer of the show staged by QDos Entertainment, said: “Shows have become incredibly expensive.

“Audiences expect amazing effects and the sound quality they would get from the stereo in their homes.

“We want the shows to be as fantastic as possible and we spend a lot of money on effects.

“It costs hundreds of thousands of pounds to put the show on but we have to balance that.

“Money isn’t limitless and dwarfs are very, very expensive.”

Bet Dopey is a bit Grumpy.

That’s it: I’m orf to get a rolled up newspaper.

And today’s thought: I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there- Billy Connolly



Angus

Piss Poor Policies Dave C is a liar: Silly Billy is a liar: Man bites dog: Cramper van: Load of old PC KIKI: and a verbose rejection.

‘Tis going to be another scorcher at the Castle this morn-according to “them”, the garden still needs gardening, the hedges still need hedging, the borders still need bordering, the lawn still needs lawning, the shrubs still need shrubbing and I need another holiday.

Tomorrow I will update All and Sundry on the doings before my Welsh Wales break-with pics, sad, sad story….

On the 12^th of April this year PPP Dave C said “that the government will not take risks with the NHS in England”.

Today the Torygraph has this-Almost half of trust finance directors questioned by a leading health think-tank said they would lose beds and reduce treatments as the NHS seeks to save £20billion.

Others said they would cut their workforces, prescribe fewer drugs and try to ensure inpatients are discharged more quickly.

Few thought they could save money through “politically popular” reductions to back office functions despite the Government’s insistence that savings can be made without front-line services or clinical staff being lost.

Prof John Appleby, Chief Economist at The King’s Fund said: “With hospital waiting times rising, the NHS faces a considerable challenge in maintaining performance as the financial squeeze begins to bite.”

The think-tank questioned 26 finance directors from hospitals, mental health bodies and Primary Care Trusts from across England how their productivity plans were progressing.

It found that most had achieved their targets for the current financial year but 18 were “uncertain” about meeting “more ambitious” goals for 2011-12.

Asked what challenges they were facing, “many panel members stressed the difficulty in trying to manage increased demand for care with reduced capacity and the need to continue to meet targets and maintain quality while keeping within reduced budgets.”

In listing their top three ways for meeting the targets, 12 of the 26 NHS finance directors mentioned “ward closures and bed reductions” as well as “the closure of services”.

In addition, 16 said they would look at “headcount reduction through rationalization” and plans to “stop agency dependence”.

Twenty said they hoped for “length of stay reductions” and planned a “review of prescribing” while five were going to use “demand management” to “reduce activity”.

One panel member said: “A saving is not a saving until the activity has reduced and the beds or theatres have been closed and the jobs taken out.”

Liar, liar Dave C’s pants are on fire.

And talking of liars

Back on the 4^th of April this year silly Billy Hague said on Libya- "We're sticking very closely here to the United Nations resolution...which makes it very clear there must be no foreign occupation of any part of Libya and we will stick to that."

Auntie has this today-a British plan to send a military team to advise rebels fighting Col Gaddafi would harm chances of peace in the country.

UK Foreign Secretary William Hague said the move complied with a UN resolution to protect civilians in Libya, which forbids foreign occupation forces.

The team is set to provide logistics and intelligence training in Benghazi.

The BBC understands about 10 UK officers and a similar number from France will be despatched on the mission.

Silly Billy stressed the officers being sent to the eastern rebel stronghold of Benghazi would not be involved in any fighting.

They would be drawn from experienced British military officers and charged with supporting and advising the NTC [opposition National Transitional Council] on how to "improve their military organisational structures, communications and logistics".

So: how many British troops does it take to make an “invasion?”

Over the big, wet, salty thing to the left

A 33-year-old man who bit back after he was caught by a Phoenix police dog is suing police.

Erin Sullivan alleges the dog violated his civil rights and used excessive force to capture him after he ran from officers in Glendale during a burglary investigation last year.

Police say Sullivan bit the dog back, injuring it.

The lawsuit names the cities of Phoenix and Glendale and four officers.

Precursor filings to the lawsuit sought $200,000 from Glendale and $250,000 from Phoenix.

Officials in Glendale and Phoenix have declined comment.

Sullivan also alleges Glendale police refused to give him insulin to treat his diabetes. Sullivan's attorney, Keith Knowlton, has said his client suffered a diabetic seizure in a Glendale cell.

Sullivan is serving eight years for convictions in the Glendale burglary.

Biter bit the biter?

Back in Blighty

Shoppers were left bemused after spotting the world's smallest caravan being towed inside a London supermarket.

The £5,500 QTvan is small enough to be used legally on the pavement or inside a shop.

It was designed by Yannick Read, who previously built a 'Bond Bike' complete with ejector seat and flame thrower.

The QTvan is so named because it caters to three peculiarly British obsessions: caravans; queuing and tea.

As such the tiny camper is being touted as the ideal home away from home for anyone having to queue overnight for the sales or tickets.

With a bed, kettle, TV, radio alarm clock the mini 6ft by 2ft 6ins abode boasts everything needed to make a long wait bearable.

Shoppers aren’t the only ones who are bemused…..

Dahn Unda

A Newcastle woman has been asked to "show cause" as to why she should keep her personalised number plates, bearing her nickname Kiki, which means genitals in a Filipino language.

Kristen Perry is so attached to her nickname Kiki she has number plates on her car bearing that name.

But the word doesn't sit well with the Roads and Traffic Authority which says it is considered offensive in the Filipino language, Tagalog.

In that language the word is used to describe part of a woman's genitals and the RTA is now demanding Ms Perry show cause to keep the plates.

Ms Perry says she was shocked.

"I was taken aback," she said.

"At first I thought it was a joke, but then I realised it was actually quite serious and that my number plates would be taken off me if I didn't respond appropriately.

"Quite frankly it's a bit of a funny thing, but at the same time quite a bit scary that we've got people that can just report a number plate that seems quite inoffensive to 99 per cent of us out there, but one per cent has an issue with it."

Ms Perry says her nickname is linked to her Greek heritage and she is disturbed it could be considered offensive.

OMG......

And finally:

Back in bollixed up Britain

 

A driver who claimed for £42 pothole damage to his car got a 200-page rejection letter from a council.

Essex County Council sent Terry Rothery, 65, its entire roads policy when he asked for a payout.

Mr Rothery, of Billericay, Essex, said yesterday: “I thought it was a wind-up.” The council said sorry.

Nice to see that PPP Dave’s “less red tape” policy is working.

That’s it: I’m orf to jab a Badger

And today’s thought: I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

Angus  

A-V you got it yet?: Three core doesn’t care: Flaming porn: Tesco and the balloon: 3D magic: Parallel parking: and Dutch dogging.

Good morning all, I don’t expect that you have missed me but I have been away for a few days to somewhere warm and sunny-Welsh Wales to visit my sis and hordes of great nephews, nieces and future great-great nephews and nieces.

The weather at the Castle is warm-ish, sunny, calm, and the garden has grown beyond recognition in the last four days, there is some good news and some bad, but I will go into that later in the week.

I haven’t been near a computer for a while and have not watched the TV for days but here are some “news” items that caught my eye, and apologies for not visiting, commenting, or replying.

Apparently the Alternative Vote thingy has finally lifted off as Piss Poor Policy Dave C and Clone B (Ed millipede) go at it.

In a sign of how the campaign has driven a wedge through political parties across Westminster, Mr Miliband shared a platform with business secretary Vince Cable as well as representatives from trade unions and the Green party.

Meanwhile, David Cameron conducted an event with John Reid, former Labour home secretary.

I know which way I will be voting; hopefully the outcome will be very interesting.

And Three Core Vince Cable has said that he doesn’t care if he is sacked over the AV thing.

Neither do I.

West even farther than Welsh Wales

A man caught fire Wednesday evening inside a San Francisco porn store and was fighting for his life in the hospital after suffering third-degree burns, KCBS-TV reported.

Arson experts said it was not clear what ignited the fire but police said the man had been watching videos in a private booth when the blaze erupted.

The man ran out the front door of the adult arcade "engulfed in flames" and was spotted by police standing across the street, a police spokesman told KCBS.

"He came out of the building already on fire," Lt. Kevin McNaughton said.

Fire fighters, who luckily were only about a block away on an unrelated call, raced to the scene and doused the flames.

Must have been really hot stuff.

Down a bit to Bristol

My favourite retailer asked a mum to leave a Tesco store – because her toddler son came in with a balloon.

Dr Alicia Chrysostomou, a rubber and plastic expert, was stopped by a security guard while shopping with Sebastian, three, in his pushchair.

He said balloons were banned because they could cause a reaction if they brushed against someone with a latex allergy.

When Alicia protested she was allowed to remain, provided she removed the balloon from the handle of Sebastian’s buggy and he held on to it instead. She says the guard failed to mention the bizarre policy was in place because a member of staff at the store has a severe latex allergy.

Alicia, 44, who has a PhD in polymer engineering, said: “I’ve never heard of anyone having such a reaction that they couldn’t even walk past a balloon. Sebastian was sitting quietly with it tied to his pushchair – it’s not as if he was running amok.”

She says balloons were on show in the entrance to the Tesco Extra store at the Willow Brook centre in Bradley Stoke, Bristol.

Alicia added: “This really was health and safety gone mad. A crowd gathered with people muttering and staring. I felt like a shoplifter or something.

“If it was such a problem why not tell me as I came in rather than chase me through the store and make a scene?”

A Tesco spokesman said: “A member of staff has a severe latex allergy so we ask customers not to bring balloons into the store. There is signage at the entrance and we’re sorry for any inconvenience this may cause.”

Tesco balloon bollocks.

East a lot of non metric units

A Chinese artist, who created the world's largest 3D artwork, has created another 3D work in Shanghai.

Qi Xinghua created a 100 metre square 3D painting, the Victory Door, in front of Oriental Plaza in Shanghai, which will stay on display until next month (May).

Qi created an 892 square meter 3D painting this February in Guangzhou, southern China's Guangdong Province, and it was acknowledged as the world's largest 3D painting by the Guinness Book of Records.

Brilliant….

Dahn Unda

A Northern Territory woman's disastrous attempts at parallel parking have helped land her behind bars.

Darwin police say someone rang them after seeing the woman battling to park at the waterfront suburb of Cullen Bay just after midnight.

Police say the woman damaged another car and a gate in the process.

They say she had been drinking and was held in custody at the city watch-house while the incident was investigated.

I’m saying nothing……

And finally:

Right a bit to the land of tall people and wacky baccy

Red-faced traffic bosses are investigating how pranksters altered a set of pedestrian lights to show a couple at it whenever they turned green.

The lights - in Nimwegen, Holland - literally stopped the traffic when passers by stopped to gawp at them during rush hour.

One officer said: 'People kept pressing the button to see the couple having sex and of course every time they did, the traffic had to stop suddenly. We had quite a lot of rear end shunts from drivers who were too distracted.'

Transport officials are investigating how computer hackers managed to get into the town's traffic light system to manipulate the image.

A Town Hall spokesman said: 'We are looking at who had access and opportunity.'

Rear end shunts about sums it up.

That’s it: I’m orf to probe Gravity

And today’s thought: "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours" - Yogi Berra.

Angus