Dorries dumps Dahn Unda: Ex Nazi El Papa wants to change history: Proof of education: No! No! Dad: Dumb ways to die Dahn Unda: and the World’s longest word.

Not a lot of vertical amounts of liquid metal in the gauge, more than a puddle of skywater, just as much atmospheric movement and sod all solar stuff at the Castle this morn.

Orf to do the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco later, and then back into the study for the final fling.

 

Sadly there is bad news from Dahn Unda

Nadger Nadine Dorries has managed to escape the spider infested jungle with help from the public, after only 12 days the MP without lash was voted out.

Dorries reckoned that "I actually came here self-important... but I'm not now," the Mid-Bedfordshire MP said after the show's public vote.

Before it began, Dorries said she wanted to use her appearance to raise awareness of issues she is interested in, such as reducing the time limit on abortions from 24 weeks to 20 weeks.

When asked by presenters Ant and Dec if she felt she had achieved her aim, she said: "I don't know what people have seen but I have had some fascinating conversations in there. It's been a fascinating experience.

"I think it is important that MPs realise that you need to go where the public go. More people vote on X Factor and I'm A Celebrity than they do in the general elections. MPs need to go where people vote."

 

And the last time I was in the Jungle-now let me see.......at least it will save money on the phone bill.

 

According to creepy Ex Nazi El Papa

The entire Christian calendar is based on a miscalculation; he claims in a new book that Jesus was born several years earlier than commonly believed.

In his “new” book-'Jesus of Nazareth: The Infancy Narratives', the 85 year old Ex Nazi reckons that the 'mistake' was made by a sixth century monk known as Dionysius Exiguus or in English Dennis the Small.

Dennis the Small, who was born in Eastern Europe, is credited with being the "inventor" of the modern calendar and the concept of the Anno Domini era.

He drew up the new system in part to distance it from the calendar in use at the time, which was based on the years since the reign of the Roman emperor Diocletian.

The Ex Nazi old fart also reckons contrary to the traditional Nativity scene, there were no oxen, donkeys or other animals at JC's birth.

 

So does that mean that it is 2015 then? In that case I claim my bus pass and winter fuel allowance.....

 

Back in barmier Blighty

A school has hired proofreaders to check the spelling and grammar...of the teachers.

The 1,720-pupil high school has hired “copy editors” to correct mistakes in pupils’ school reports.

A job advert wanted people to “check and amend the electronic reports to ensure that they are well written before being released to parents”.

The school hopes to stop “spelling mistakes, poor or missing punctuation, incorrect capitalization [sic] and word spacing”.

They will be paid £14.02 an hour to work up to 20 days a year. Proofreaders will also advise staff how to improve their use of English

David Hutton, head of Northgate High School in Ipswich, said the school’s excellent exam results proved they had great staff.

He said: “Between them they produce literally thousands of well-written comments each year that keep parents informed about the progress of their children.”

“Making a final quality check prior to publication indicates the high level of professionalism we strive to achieve.”

 

Never heard of spell-check then?

 

And how to “advise” your older kiddlies on driving habits.

 

 

 

 

Back Dahn Unda

 

An online video featuring cartoon creatures killing themselves in a variety of ways as part of an Australian transport safety campaign has gone viral, with almost 12 million YouTube views in a week.

The Melbourne Metro Trains video "Dumb Ways to Die" features colourful, round cartoon characters dying in improbable circumstances ranging from poking a stick at a grizzly bear to using "private parts as piranha bait", and selling both kidneys on the Internet.

The final chorus depicts what is said to be the "dumbest ways to die" -- standing on the edge of a rail platform, driving through level crossing gates and running across train tracks.

 

Candidate for the “Darwin” awards?

 

And finally:

 

The longest word......in the world.....

 

 

The full chemical name of the world’s largest known protein has 189,819 letters and is considered the longest word in any language. If you’re one of those people who love to watch paint dry, you can even watch a 3.5-hour video of a guy pronouncing the whole name.

Titin, also known as connectin, is a giant protein composed of 244 individually folded protein domains connected by unstructured peptide sequences. Also, the gene for titin contains the largest number of exons (363) discovered in any single gene. Titin is important in the contraction of striated muscle tissues, but it’s mostly known for its technical name, which is sometimes referred to as the longest known word in any language. The name “titin” is derived from the Greek “titan” (a giant deity, anything of great size), but it’s the full chemical name that really does it justice.

If you have the odd three and a half hours feel free to watch the video, but I can tell you that it begins with “me”.

Or you could download it from here, good luck.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to check for Titpox.

 

And today’s thought:

Gone to the dark side

 

 

Angus

Eastern promise: No satellite for crims (maybe): Airbag with a “car” inside it: Choccywoccy choo-choo: Facing the cameras: and The International Banana Club Museum.

More than a drizzle of skywater, less than 60 watts of solar stuff, much less than a Sandy of atmospheric movement and a definite lack of lack of cold at the Castle this morn, the saga of the study has finally ended, all I have to do now is sort out the three bin bags of “useful stuff” I have put to one side.

 

From the land of copies to the land of Cons and Dems

 

Allegedly the Conservatives and Liberal Democrats have taken more than £18,000 in donations from Huawei, a controversial Chinese company accused of posing a threat to US national security.

Apparently Huawei's UK arm paid more than £8,600 to send executives to a networking event at the Conservative Party conference, in the same week US politicians said its technology should be blacklisted from American government systems.

The company also paid £10,000 to the Liberal Democrats to sponsor a reception at its conference in Brighton.

Fuckwit U-Turn Cam has it seems secured more than £850,000 from donors who attended private lunches, dinners and parties at Number 10 and Chequers between April and June 2012. The Prime Minister has also hosted a dinner at Highclere Castle, the setting of television drama Downton Abbey.

Huawei, which denies any link to the Chinese state or posing any security threat, says it attended all three party conferences, including the Conservative business dinner in Birmingham.

A Conservative spokesman said the donation had been “fully and transparently declared to the Electoral Commission”.

“Huawei attended a dinner for which, under Electoral Commission rules, a proportion of the price paid was required to be declared,” he added.

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said: "The Company has donated to all three political parties, in our case sponsoring a reception at party conference. The donation was declared and approved by the Electoral Commission meaning it met all the criteria set down for political donations."

 

Oh well, that’s alright then...

 

From “pay up” Auntie

All prisoners in England and Wales ‘could’ be banned from watching channels such as Sky Sports in their cells, a government minister has indicated.

Offenders in private prisons are able to access pay-TV channels for a small weekly fee, but inmates in publicly run jails can only watch free-to-air ones.

The latest figures available, for December 2009, show that 4,070 prisoners in contracted-out jails had access to such channels in their cells - about 40% of inmates who were then held in private jails.

Since then the number of private prisons in England and Wales has risen to 14, while the prison population has also increased.

The security firm G4S - which runs six prisons - said prisoners did not enjoy an automatic right to TV in their cells.

"The provision of in-cell TVs... is a privilege which has to be earned," a spokesman said. "Poor behaviour will result in its removal."

 

Oh well, that’s alright as well then-I can’t afford Sky stuff....

 

East a lot to the radiation free land

 

Hiroshima University-affiliated startup business Humanix has recently revealed a three-wheel electric vehicle, called iSAVE YOU, which is covered with an airbag-like cushion material that springs back to its original form after absorbing impacts.

And you could own one for a mere 790,000 yen ($9,740 USD).

Professor Tsutomu, president of Humanix, told Japanese magazine Sponichi Annex that “the car will be perfect for our rapidly aging society and that there are already many requests for it from the elderly and disabled.” The cushions covering the vehicle are made of a tent fabric and sponge, and will absorb shock waves in case of an impact, protecting both the passengers and pedestrians. The iSAVE YOU can run up to 30 km on a single charge and can be recharged from any regular household electrical outlet.

The iSAVE YOU vehicle can be registered as a Trike (a bicycle with a light side-car) and it only requires a single, simple (almost free) inspection and registration procedures at the Light Motor Vehicle Inspection Centre rather that the regular, instead of the regular “Shaken” registration which costs over 100,000 yen ($,1000+).

Spiffing, can’t wait, sooo excited….

 

Back over to the left and visiting the land of……..something

Created by master chocolatier Andrew Farrugia, from Malta, this edible train model has set a new Guinness World Record the longest chocolate structure in the world. It measures a whopping 34 meters in length and features every detail of a classic steam-powered chuff-chuff.

Unveiled at the “Brussels Chocolate Week”, in Belgium’s capital city, this tasty masterpiece had everyone drooling. Made of 2,755 pounds (1250 kilos) of the finest Belgian chocolate, donated by chocolate brand Belcolade, this 34-meter-long steam train replica took Maltese chocolate artist Andrew Farrugia a painstaking 784 hours to complete.

 

Wonder how long it would take to eat it?

 

Left even more to the home of security and the land of insecurity

At least one law enforcement agency in San Diego is currently using software developed by FaceFirst, a division of nearby Camarillo, California’s Airborne Biometrics Group. It can positively identify anyone, as long as physical data about a person’s facial features is stored somewhere the police can access. Though that pool of potential matches could include millions, the company says that by using the “best available facial recognition algorithms” they can scour that data set in a fraction of a second in order to send authorities all known intelligence about anyone who enters a camera’s field of vision.

“Up to 4 million comparisons per second, per clustered server” — that’s how many matches a single computer wired to the FaceFirst system can consider in a single breath as images captured by cameras, cell phones and surveillance devices from as far as 100 feet away are fed into algorithms designed to pick out terrorists and persons of interest. In a single setting, an unlimited amount of cameras can record the movements of a crowd at 30-frames-per-second, pick out each and every face and then feed it into an equation.

Speaking to reporters with Find Biometrics in August, Rosenkrantz president and CEO of FaceFirst said that the system is already in place in Panama, where computers there process nearly 20 million comparisons per second “using a FaceFirst matching cluster with a large number of live surveillance cameras on a scale beyond any other system ever implemented.”

“Within just a couple of seconds whoever needs to know receives an email containing all the evidence and stats about the person identified along with the video clip of them passing the camera so they may be approached then and there,” he says. …

 

That’s us fucked in a couple of years then….

 

And finally:

 

Still in the place where fruit comes in yellow packages

It all started at a photography convention in 1972, when Ken Bannister, VP of a manufacturing company, passed out Chiquita banana stickers to people he encountered. The goal, he said, was simply to get people's attention and to make them smile. After all, what better way to garner a grin than by using the fruit that's "shaped like a smile."

Soon after, Bannister started receiving banana-related paraphernalia -- or "banana-phernalia" -- in the mail. Inspired by his banana publicity, and eager to keep people smiling, Bannister then began referring to himself as "Bananaster" and "T.B.," short for "Top Banana." The nicknames stuck and "Bananaster" eventually became the founder of the first ever International Banana Club.

Bannister received so much banana-phernalia that he decided to open the club's first and only museum, the International Banana Club Museum, in 1976. Today, the museum is home to 17,000 banana collectibles, all of which have been donated by members of the club. Objects range from a gold-sequined Michael Jackson banana to the world's only petrified banana. With so many objects, the museum holds the Guinness Book of World Record's title of "World's Largest Collection" devoted to one fruit.

Membership to the club is a flat rate of $15 and, just like Bananaster; members can come up with their own nickname. Additionally, members can climb up in social ranks; the more banana-phernalia one donates, the higher the "B.M." (Banana merit) they are rewarded, such as PHB, Doctorate of Bananistry Degree. Banana Club members are said to get extra discounts when presenting their Banana Card Clubs in public, though a simple smile is what the club strives for. And if the smile isn't enough, members can also brag about their fellow famous Banana Club-ers: Jay Leno and former US President, Ronald Reagan.

 

And their theme song:

 

 

 

That’s it: I’m orf to find some rainbows on the Nanoscale

 

And today’s thought:

Now that’s what I call airbags

 

 

 

 

Angus

Dorries Dahn Unda: McAlpine goes after ITV: The Pax is back-nearly: TOTO and doo-doo: Insect watches: and Santa hangs about.

Volumes of ex-skywater, very little solar stuff, even less lack of cold and vast amounts of opaque stuff up above at the Castle this morn.

Last trip (or two) dahn the dump this day, loaded the Honda up yestermorn with all and sundry stuff, a pile of old wood, an old office chair and about ten empty paint tins, ain’t life grand...

 

Dahn Unda

Dorries has been put in a box with oodles of flies and things to move washers about with a magnet.

 

Oh joy, shame it wasn’t U-turn Cam’s other bollock....

 

And after Auntie (we) got stung for a lot of dosh

The lawyers of the lord of the building site McAlpine have decided to go after ITV for more than the £185,000 they took from our license fee. They contacted ITV after presenter Phillip Schofield handed the prime minister a list of alleged abusers live on the This Morning show on 8 November.

An ITV spokesman said: "We have received correspondence from Lord McAlpine's representatives and we will be responding in due course."

 

Others in the money magnet firing line include:

Comedian Alan Davies who has apologised to Lord McAlpine for naming him on Twitter in relation to the allegations.

Davies tweeted: "I've just written to Lord McAlpine to apologise for retweeting his name in relation to false allegations following a BBC investigation."

And a large number of Twitter users who made false claims.

 Wonder how much of our money he donated to “Children in Need”.

 

And talking about things that were untrue

According to Paxman who has apparently been orf shooting other television series.

He will definitely return to Newsnight, 'I have been away filming, but I will definitely be there on Wednesday (November 21),' he told the Sunday Telegraph.

 

Can’t wait for that...

 

East a lot to the land that has never-ever been affected by nuclear stuff

They are found in more than two-thirds of Japanese households and visitors to the country have marvelled at their heated seats, posterior shower jets and odour-masking function.

But for the company that has sold over 30 million high-tech toilets, commonly known as Washlets, global lavatory domination remains elusive, especially among shy US consumers.

The Washlet's functions, laid out on a computerised control panel with pictograms, include water jets with pressure and temperature controls, hot-air bottom dryers and ambient background music.

Another function produces a flushing sound to mask bodily noises -- a hit among the easily-embarrassed -- while some models have a lid that automatically swings open when users enter the restroom.

Others feature seats and lids that glide back into horizontal position, possibly solving gender battles over flipped-up toilet seats in the home.

Allegedly middle aged “Pop diva” Madonna gushed about Japanese culture during a 2005 visit and pointed to the Washlet as a key draw, saying "I've missed the heated toilet seats'' -- the kind of free marketing most companies dream about.

 

That’s got to be enough reason not to get one...

 

And still in the land of hygiene 

 

Tokyo Compression is an ongoing photo series by German-born artist Michael Wolf that shows daily commuters with their faces pressed against the steamy windows of Japan’s overcrowded subway trains.

Japan has one of the highest population densities in the world. Tokyo, its capital city, and the surrounding metropolitan area has a population of over 35 million, living in an area just 8,000 square kilometres in size.

 

They could do with a TOTO...or two...

 

Left a lot to the city of wind

 

JM Gershenson-Gates is a Chicago-based jeweller who creates accessories from discarded watch parts and old light bulbs, in a bid “to show the beauty of the mechanical world, a place generally hidden from the public behind metal and glass.”

On his website, Jason Gershenson-Gates says he has always been fascinated with mechanical things. The son of a “gearhead”, and the grandson of a railroad man, he used to always take apart his toys to see how they worked, but never seemed to be able to put them back together again. Nowadays, he takes apart old watches collected from all over the world and rearranges their parts into creepy crawly designs.

 

Rolled up newspaper time….

 

And finally: 

Back in bearded Blighty

Officials at Broad Street Mall in Reading, England say that Santa Claus chose to dangle from the ceiling on Saturday for at least 30 minutes instead of disappointing hundreds of children by removing his beard after his whiskers got stuck in a rappelling accident.

British Army soldier Steve Chessell had been commissioned to play the part of Santa and rappel through a mall skylight during the annual Christmas-lights switch-on show when things went horribly wrong, according to The Reading Chronicle.

“He could have just taken his beard off and let himself down but he was such a professional and he didn’t want to let the children down,” Broad Street Mall marketing manager Stephanie Maynard told the BBC. “He lost his footing as he came through the hole in the ceiling and there was a sudden jolt and he got caught in the clip on the rope.”

 

I would like to point out to anyone that believes in the Crimbo King that the very slim person in Santa’s suit is an imposter because the real one is busy at the Norf pole abusing dwarfs, elves and reindeer.

 

That’s it: I’m orf to have a look at “super Jupiter”

 

And today’s thought from my old mate Bernard

 

Wonder if it available for all MPs?

 

Angus

Clone “B” goes Maggie: Green and unpleasant bills: Rubbish council: Fossil surfing: Paper boy gets Voldrmorts’s goat: and diving pigs.

Lots of scrapey, scrapey stuff on the Honda, even more solar stuff, not a cough of atmospheric movement and a dribble of condensed skywater at the Castle this morn, the saga of the study is finally coming to an end-just a few more trips to the “recycling centre” a dash of furniture movement and I can close the door on the bleedin place.

As the wevver was clement-ish yesterday I took a day orf and went somewhere nice for a while, I must remember to take the camera next time.

And his Maj has discovered the top of the kitchen cupboards.

 

Somewhere in the alternative universe known only to politicians

Clone “B” has apparently had a psychotic break and thinks that he is Margaret (I fucked up Blighty good and proper) Thatcher, and is allegedly trying to emulate her appeal as a "conviction politician" at the next general election.

The Ed Mili-band compared his call for an end to the "irresponsible capitalism" resulting from the political consensus since the Thatcher era with the former prime minister's economic reforms following the 1978-79 "winter of discontent".

And reckons that in his quest for radical change, he was inspired by his late father, Ralph Miliband, a Marxist academic.

 

Make your fucking mind up Tosspot...

 

And all across buggered Blighty

According to “Power firms” a new government “green” charge will add significantly to household energy bills, the energy industry has accused ministers of underestimating the impact on households of its Energy Company Obligation (ECO) rules.

They will force companies to provide energy efficiency technology and home improvements to low-income households and others considered to be at risk of fuel poverty.

The scheme, due to start next year, will oblige firms to fund expensive modifications including cavity wall insulation.

Energy firms say ministers have understated the costs of the work, which will be recouped from other customers.

Energy UK, which represents the industry, is expected to publish a report by independent economic consultants suggesting the scheme will add as much as £50 to the average household bill.

That contradicts assurances from the Department for Energy and Climate Change, which is insisting that the changes will not mean additional costs for consumers.

 

Thanks a lot chaps: pot calling the kettle black? More like the kettle calling the kettle a kettle....

 

Up Norf-ish

Council staff have removed a litter bin - after installing it around seven feet in the air attached to a bus stop sign in London Road, Stoke on Wednesday afternoon.

 

Don’t know why she is bothering, that Kiddly will never fit in the slot....

 

Left over the big, not quite so windy thing on the left and West even more

Some surfers made a discovery near Santa Cruz, Calif., yesterday, when they found what looked to be a fossilized row of vertebrae jutting out of some rocks during an "extremely low tide."

Apparently the bones are from an “extinct” Whale.

One surfer, Reddit user "Donkahones," snapped a picture of the old bones and uploaded it to the social news site with the light-hearted headline, "So I went surfing and saw a dinosaur."

 

Oh har-har-har, I almost started laughing...

 

East a bit

 

14-year-old Jason Gessel was cycling along throwing papers into front gardens on his routine paper route when he was viciously attacked by Voldemort, the 18-month-old neighbourhood fainting goat In Smithfield, Utah.

Voldemort forced Gessel off his bike by head butting him, and then trampled him with his hooves.

“”It just freaked me out when it stood up on its hind legs and just wrapped its front legs around me and pulled me off,’” recounted Gessel.

The paperboy managed to get away but was then chased up a tree by Voldemort where he remained until being rescued by local police.

 

Should have gone-BOO!!!

 

And finally:

 

East even more to the place where land rovers will come from

According to Huang Demin a farmer in Guanshan village, Ningxiang County, in China’s Huang Province encouraging his pigs to dive headfirst into a pond each day makes them taste better.

And reckons that his diving pigs also bring visitors flocking to his farm. He built a 10ft tall wooden diving board close to his pigsty so his livestock can enjoy a dive into the pond every day.

He thinks it makes the animals grow healthier and faster - and says they love it, although some of them need a gentle nudge.

And Huang says their aquatic antics improve their flavour so much he is able to charge three times the price of normal pork for their meat.

 

No wonder bacon is so bleedin dear....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to connect my left handed brain cell to my cursor

 

And today’s thought:

Maggie Miliband.

 

 

Angus

Commissioned apathy: Charlie does a dance Dahn Unda (and right a bit): Adopt a gargoyle: Kung fu nuns and God’s particle: and how to warp the universe.

Warmish, chucking it dahn, calmish and quite a lot of Keats at the Castle this morn, and below is a tribute to my aching knees and dodgy left hip from the saga of the study which is the room next to the master bedroom.

 

 

Dorries Dahn Unda is attracting loads and loads of votes to stay where she is (it’s working then).

 

Dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire

 

The results of the non election of top knob of coppers are in, click on the link above if you can be bovvered (I can’t) to see what happened, I will tell you that the turnout was a stonking 14.6 percent and the “winner” was someone I have never heard of-pic above.

 

Ain’t democracy wonderful...

 

Dahn Unda and right a bit

 

Charlie and his old Nag celebrated the end of their Pacific Diamond Jubilee tour by dancing with residents in Christchurch.

They took to the stage at a "dance-o-mat" that had been set up as a temporary venue after a number of dance studios in the city were destroyed by an earthquake 2010.

"He's a beautiful dancer," said one of the women after being taken for a twirl by Prince Charles.

 

Oh joy just what I wanted to see (sound effects are provided by the Beeb and moi)

 

Up a lot and left even more

 

To the land of fiats, food and females, Milan's main cathedral has put its 135 gargoyles up for adoption as it seeks to raise funds for renovations.

Donors who contribute 100,000 Euros (£80,000) to the Gothic building will have their names engraved under a gargoyle.

The cathedral's management said it wanted "to encourage the Milanese and citizens of the world as a whole to be protagonists in the history of the cathedral, a priceless treasure that belongs to all of humanity".

It is seeking to raise 25m Euros (£20m) for essential maintenance.

 

Here are some more gargoyles you could adopt from abroad, but only as long as you take them home.

 

 

Wonder if I could put the rose bushes at the Castle up for adoption...

 

Left a whimsy to the big round, underground accelerator thingy

 

 

A dozen kung fu nuns from an Asian Buddhist order displayed their martial arts prowess to bemused scientists at CERN this week as their spiritual leader explained how their energy was like that of the cosmos.

The nuns, all from the Himalayan region, struck poses of hand-chops, high-kicks and punches on Thursday while touring the research centre where physicists at the frontiers of science are probing the origins of the universe.

 

Oh yeah; that’ll help...

 

And finally:

 

My dreams of warping across the universe have had a bit of a setback

 

The Alcubierre’s warp-drive I have been waiting for has apparently got a few snags attached-the main being that it doesn’t exist, but secondary concerns are that if it did and you could warp away you could cause cataclysmic explosions at your destination due to the loads of high-energy particles which could get swept up in the craft’s warp field and remain trapped in the stable bubble.

The longer the journey lasts, the more of these dangerous particles build up. This doesn’t affect the ability of the warp drive to keep bending the laws of the universe — it’s the stopping that’s going to ruin your day.

The instant the Alcubierre drive is disengaged, the space-time gradient that allows it to effectively move faster than light goes away, all the energetic particles trapped during the journey have to go somewhere, researchers believe they would be blasted outward in a cone directly in front of the ship. Anyone or anything waiting for you at the other end of your trip would be destroyed.

 

Sod it! But let’s hope no one else has one out there....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to add up Omeagagool

 

And today’s thought:

Koala cuddles old nag., old nag says "neigh"

 

 

Angus

Dopey’s taller half in McAlpine’s sights: How to commission a non-election: Fart-proof undies: A long Cupid Stunt jump: Abusive sausage roll: and 28 women in a BMW box.

More than cold, less than damp, oodles of lack of solar stuff and not even a breath of atmospheric movement at the Castle this morn, the study saga continues, his Maj has discovered the joy of inserting his claws into my head to wake me up and after more than loads of trips to the dump I am thinking of changing the moniker to Stig. 

No Dorries Dahn Unda again today, looks like I will have to phone up more.

 

From his home somewhere in what is left of Europe

Lord McAlpine has threatened to track down and sue thousands of Twitter users who linked him to child sex abuse.

His lawyers, who have won a £185,000 payout from the BBC (us), warned Sally Bercow, wife of the House of Commons speaker, she was first in the line of a ‘very long list’ of tweeters in their sights.

They said simply deleting messages which mentioned the peer was not good enough and they were determined to ‘end trial by Twitter’.

Users with the most followers were likely to be those targeted first.

Mrs Bercow’s first Twitter response to the warning was *Gulps* but she later tweeted: ‘I guess I’d better get some legal advice then. Still maintain was not a libellous tweet – just foolish.’

 

No wonder her shorter other half is trying to rig the expenses thingy.

 

All over commissioned Blighty

It seems that up to around 95percent of “voters” in the Police Commissioner Elections couldn’t be arsed to stagger dahn to the nearest polling station to make their views known.

 

Or maybe they have....

 

East to the land of no radiation since 1945

Seiren has come up with a way to stop that rear end explosion from ruining other peoples’ day, they have invented fart proof undies which hunt out and kill gaseous odours with a deodorant.

Apparently Nami Yoshida, spokesperson for Seiren, said, “It took us a few years to develop the first deodorant pants that are comfortable enough to wear in daily life, but efficient in quickly eliminating strong smells. At first we thought about selling them to those who require nursing care and to hospitals, but to our surprise, lots of ordinary people, [such as] businessmen who are in positions that require them to see people on a daily basis, bought them.”

Seiren even has other products for the same purpose — products ranging from socks that will stop your feet from smelling to shirts that will cover up those sweaty armpits.

 

All they need to do now is line them with sound proof stuff and they will be perfect...

 

Somewhere over the Numpty-sphere

 

Jeremy Chips decided that he would impress his mates by jumping over a garden pool, luckily the only impression he made was in his arse cheeks, failing miserably young Jeremy landed on the nice soft concrete edge of the opposite side.

 

I do like a Cupid Stunt.

 

Norf of the border

Francis Kelly was charged with causing a breach of the peace in Glasgow earlier this year, after he gave a sausage roll to a police horse, authorities say the 41-year-old broke the law when he ignored police warnings and gave the pastry to the animal.

Prosecutors will allege that Mr Kelly behaved in a “threatening or abusive manner” by attempting to feed meat to the horse.

The court will also be told that he “adopted an aggressive stance” towards officers when told to put the food away.

Court papers say the incident occurred in the city’s south on Sept 26.

 

Should have given dobbin a deep fried Mars bar, no meat in that...

 

And finally: 

Up in the Smoke

Twenty-eight women squeezed themselves into a BMW box (which used to be called a Mini) in London, as 400,000 other people around the world attempted to break world records for the eighth annual Guinness World Records Day.

It took the group 18 minutes to wriggle into position and claim the record for Most People Crammed Into A Mini, breaking the previous record of 27 which was set in Eastbourne last November.

 

Other “achievements” across the globe include:

Kenichi Ito broke the world record for the fastest 100m running on All Fours.

In the US, athlete Tone Staubs broke the record for the Most Pogo Stick Jumps In One Minute with 265 in Stamford, Connecticut

And in Germany, 18-year-old Michael Kopp broke the record for the Longest Duration Spinning A Basketball On A Toothbrush, with the basketball-freestyler managing to keep a ball spinning for 26.078 seconds

 

28 women in a car.....ye gods, I had enough trouble with one....

 

That’s it: I’m orf to count the Beavers in the moat-just in case....

 

And today’s thought:

 

Angus

Universal cock up: Pay per tick NHS: Les épouses françaises d'armée gets em orf: Orange-dog-knife-hospital: Hanging out in Frisco: and Parachuting Pussy.

Not a lot of lack of cold, even less atmospheric movement, just as much solar stuff and oodles of condensed skywater at the Castle this morn, the saga of the study is continuing at the speed of time, another couple of trips to the "recycling centre” on the cards for today and I have just returned from the stale bread, gruel and his Maj’s food run dahn Tesco-bit of a surprise Whiskas meat in jelly (his fave) has gorn dahn to three squids from £3.68 so I stocked up, and his Dreamies have gorn dahn from one squid and thirty nine pees to £1.00.

 

Oh joy I am a happy bunny...

 

No Dorries Dahn Unda this day, maybe tomorrow.

 

According to the Independent

Online benefit claimants will from next year be asked to verify their identities by giving a password to one of a list of private organisations that includes a credit check company, international telecoms giant and a global defence company.

The Government yesterday announced its first seven partners in its controversial national Identity Assurance scheme which will allow online access next year to the new Universal Credit programme.

The initial partner organisations selected by the Department for Witless Pillocks includes: Post Office; Experian, the credit reference company; Cassidian, the defence and security division of the pan-European aerospace giant EADS; and the American global telecommunications giant Verizon.

The Identity Assurance scheme, revealed in The Independent last month, is intended to revolutionise the use of public services without creating a Government-run national online identity system. Ministers hope the programme will become a model for Identity Assurance for online access to all public services. Online users are given a choice of which partner to identify themselves with but the information on which government service is then accessed by the user is not shared with the third party organisation.

The other digital identity partners selected by the DWP for the first stage of the project were Digidentity, a Dutch-based digital company, Ingeus, an Australian welfare to work company, and Mydex, a British personal data company. Between them the companies, plus an unnamed eighth partner organisation will be paid £25m for their involvement in the project.

Other identity partners, including the High Street banks, may be introduced to the system as it is rolled out across Whitehall. Ministers hop the new identity model will “prevent ‘login fatigue’ [from] having too many usernames and passwords” and save public money by increasing trust in online services. The system is likely to be adopted by local authorities nationwide.

 

Couple of point:-what about those who do not have access to the Interweb thingy, and what the fuck has it got to do with the Post Office; Experian, Cassidian and any other “private” company?

 

And staying with the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition

Elf Secretary Jeremy CHunt has come up with a cunning plan for hospitals to be paid according to how many patients recommend its services to others, under a new NHS 'mandate' which sets out ministers priorities for the health service.

From April next year all patients staying overnight in hospital plus those attending A&E departments will be asked if they would be happy for their friends and family to be treated at the same hospital.

In October this will be extended to all women using maternity services and 'as rapidly as possible thereafter for all those using NHS services', the document said.

For the first time results in this area will be attached to finance. The report added: "Hospitals with good scores on the 'friends and family' test will be financially rewarded.

The details of how the payments will work have not been decided yet.

 

Another half-arsed half thought out balls up on the cards then, the only good news is that if it comes in Grimly Dark ‘orspital will be well and truly fucked.....

 

Over/under the channel/Chunnel

Hundreds of French women have bared their backs in a Facebook campaign for the payment of their soldier-husbands’ salaries. The French Ministry of Defence's faulty payments system has left them in the lurch.

Their Facebook group is called “Un paquet de Gauloises en colère”. And for this group of angry French soldiers’ wives, posing semi-naked has become the only way to protest against a computer glitch that has left their husbands unpaid. The Facebook campaign, which features wives, girlfriends, daughters and supporters of serving soldiers, baring their backs, has more than 17,000 members.

 

17,000: that’s more than all our soldiers put together.

 

Over to the home of fruit and the land of fall

 

When Christopher Lilje showed up at Firelands Regional Medical Centre at about 3 a.m. Tuesday, he had a knife sticking out of his chest, a Sandusky police report said.

Lilje, 18, told police he was using the knife to peel an orange when he tripped over his dog in the kitchen of his family's Hayes Avenue home. When he hit the ground, the knife plunged about 3 inches into his right pectoral muscle, the report said.

Lilje's mother told police her son's screams woke her up. She rushed downstairs and found him lying on the floor, the knife protruding from his chest.

Lilje told the Register late Tuesday he's doing much better, other than an aching chest.

"My dog follows me around wherever go. I tripped," Lilje said. "I'm doing a lot better now, just a little sore."

 

Numpty-who uses a knife to peel an orange?

 

Still in the states

Two dozen pro-nudity activists assembled on the steps of San Francisco City Hall on Wednesday to protest a proposed municipal ban on public nakedness.

"We are here today in response to an attack on our fundamental freedom, our freedom to be ourselves in our own city," disrobed rally organizer Gypsy Taub declared as her fellow activists displayed signs saying, "Nudity is Natural" and "Nude is not Lewd."

The nude protesters, including one using a cane and another in a wheelchair, walked with DiEdoardo two blocks to the federal courthouse, where an officer refused to allow them to enter disrobed. DiEdoardo, who was fully clothed, went inside to file the court papers.

 

Naked ambition?

 

And finally:

 

The best advert so far this year

 

Swedish insurance company Folksam asked their customers how they should best advertise their services.

Customer Eva, a cat lover, asked to see skydiving cats spelling out her name in the sky while R. Kelly's "I Believe I Can Fly" played in the background.

Go on watch the video- you know you want to...

 

That’s it: I’m orf to have a dig in the garden-well you never know...

 

And today’s thought:

 

And I only came in to pay the car park charge

 

Angus