THE INANE CHASING THE UNWANTED

Sod the “proper news”, I can’t be bothered as it will still be there tomorrow, instead here are some stories that will lift your hearts and make you feel intelligent.

Ebay-unwanted Crimbo pressies are appearing like spots during a bout of measles.

Tightwads are trying to sell things such as a golf club brush set, or a “book” by Clarkson, both with no bids, not a surprise really.

What you need to do is what I do-rewrap the gift and give it back to the moron who gave it to you next year.

Other strange news-from the Telegraph- Prince Harry has been seen drinking lager through a hosepipe while on holiday, his last 'drinks' before he becomes teetotal in 2009. Standing on a balcony, he was seen throwing back his head and putting the length of hose to his mouth before swallowing the drink in moments.

That’s one way to perk up your public image.

PC gone mad-Fire engines will have to have at least one firewoman on board in order to meet diversity guidelines, town hall leaders claim. Fire engines will have to have at least one firewoman on board in order to meet diversity guidelines, town hall leaders claim.

Personally I wouldn’t care if it was a man or a woman who doused the fire, but it can play havoc with your nails.

Vets gone mad- Throwing a stick for dog could damage its health, vet warns, Dan Brockman, a professor of small animal surgery at the Royal Veterinary College, has advised owners to use rubber toys or balls instead.

In a new report, Prof Brockman catalogued serious injuries caused by dogs being stabbed by sticks they have rushed to collect for their masters.

"When I see people throwing sticks for their dogs in the park I just get so frustrated," he said. "I want to go and tell them to stop."

Look on the bright side, at least those dogs have owners who care for them and are exercising them. And dogs don't swallow balls do they?


Prince William's beard honoured-Prince William has been honoured for giving beards a positive image after sporting thick facial hair over the Christmas period.

The Prince finished as a runner-up in the annual Beard of the Year award.

Unfortunately the overall title was shared between the Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, and ageing singer Tom Jones.

So how does it fell Wills? Coming second to a guy that looks like catweazle, and a pensioner?

Mystery naval explosion may have stinky solution-The mysterious explosion which sank a 17th century Royal warship may have been caused by the lavatory habits of its crew, a historian believes.

HMS London sank in 1685 after exploding without warning in the Thames Estuary near Chatham Docks in a blast which killed 300 people and was recorded by diarist Samuel Pepys.
Naval historians have long argued about the cause, suggesting a build-up of chemicals could have ignited the ship's supply of gunpowder.

But now one researcher believes the blast may have been triggered by the noxious accumulation of methane from the scores of sailors who relieved themselves in the bowels(unintended pun) of the ship.

Just goes to show, don’t shit on your own door step.

More PC gone mad -Marking in red ink banned in case it upsets schoolchildren, Hundreds of schools have banned their teachers from marking in red ink in case it upsets the children. They are scrapping the traditional method of correcting work because they consider it "confrontational" and "threatening".

Pupils increasingly find that the ticks and crosses on their homework are in more soothing shades like green, blue, pink and yellow or even in pencil.

What aload of old bollocks, if the dear little things did their work properly then they wouldn’t get upset.

And finally-Britain's weirdest phobias-David Allison, a therapist based at Addenbrooke's hospital, in Cambridge, was filmed treating some of the worst sufferers in an ITV1 documentary to be shown next week.

They included Sue Williams, 37, from Dudley in the West Midlands, who is so terrified of knees that she has not touched her own for 16 years and cannot say "kneecap" without bursting into tears.

Louise Arnold, from Gloucester, has a pea phobia which means she cannot walk down the frozen food aisle of a supermarket.

Explaining her dislike of peas, she said: "They tend to just look at me – ganging up on me. All the hairs on the back of my neck go up. I have to know where they are in the supermarket before I go in. It's just controlling my life now. I would like to be a dinner lady at my daughter's school, but I'm not even able to be in the same room as someone eating them."

Other sufferers in the programme included Kim Crosby, from Cambridge, who is terrified of barns. "It's very hampering in the summertime because I would like to drive around with the roof of my car down, but then there is nothing to protect me."

Earleen Taylor, who is so frightened of frogs that she sprints from her car to her front door in case one is lurking in the garden. Miss Taylor, of Sutton, Surrey, said: "I have a sixth sense for frogs. When it has been raining, I'm on red alert. I start to hyperventilate, and am gripped by fear."

Tea bags, tree roots and midgets are other terrors discussed in Britain's Weirdest Phobias, broadcast on Tuesday at 8pm.

Now that is a programme worth watching, perhaps the follow up will be filming them during their CBT treatment.

Angus