THE SUNDAY SECTION

I am totally ignoring the MPs expenses thing, because if I laugh anymore I will do myself damage.

So here is my selection for today:

A Coughing Italian judge cleared a panicking courtroom when he told lawyers: "I've just got back from Mexico."

More than 30 attorneys in Rome told Judge Giovanni Barese they were boycotting the court and adjourning their cases because of fear of swine flu.

One lawyer said: "The judge coughed a few times, I don't know if it was from the flu or he was just clearing his throat, and then said he had just come back from Mexico.

"I've never seen so many lawyers agree on anything in court so quickly but we all decided we had to get as far away from him as possible.

The judge agreed to see a doctor and has now gone into quarantine.

Well I never said anything about Porkie flu did I?

And no jokes about keeping the lawyers in with the judge, they are human after
all…….NAH.



This is what you get if you ditch the chips for veggies: A New York man regretted changing his side order from chips to vegetables after finding a snake's head in his broccoli.

Jack Pendleton first thought the thumb-sized object was a mushroom, until he turned it over, reports the Albany Times Union.

"I see this grey-green patch," he said. "I could see these black, rotted eye sockets on the top. I stopped eating. I told my girlfriend, 'I think this is a head'."

Mr Pendleton, 28, an art director, took a photo with his phone camera, and then he summoned the waiter. He covered the dish with his hand and described his find.

Mr Pendleton says he has no plans to sue the restaurant, a TGI Friday in Clifton Park, which said it “regretted” the mistake. The couple were given their meals without charge.

Amy Freshwater, a spokeswoman for the chain, said: "We are taking this situation very seriously.

"We immediately pulled the broccoli from this restaurant and began an extensive investigation. As a precautionary measure, we pulled broccoli from all restaurants that received product from this supplier."

Broccoli, schmoccoli; give me the chips anytime.

And a nice easy story for Sunday morning:

US scientists move toward speed-of-light internet American scientists say they have taken a big step forward towards the development of quantum computing, a process they believe could form the basis of a new form of internet that would work at the speed of light.

In the American Journal of Science, researchers say they have instantaneously teleported information between two unconnected atoms one metre apart.

Quantum computing is an effort to harness the bizarre laws that operate in the sub-atomic world into practical devices that would revolutionise the speed at which we can share and process information.

One of the key principles that empowers the concept is that in quantum mechanics, atomic particles can exist in two states at the same time.

This makes them far more useful for carrying out complex calculations than conventional computer bits that are either one or zero, on or off.

Another weird aspect of the quantum state is that atoms can be inextricably linked to other atoms, no matter how far apart they are.

Change the characteristics of one and, like magic, the other changes too.

What?

Something for the lads and Jezza fans-Identity of Top Gear's Stig revealed: report London's Telegraph has broken with convention and outed former race and James Bond stunt driver Ben Collins as Top Gear's The Stig.

According to the newspaper, the 33-year-old let the closely guarded secret slip when he asked Bristol gallery staff to help him produce limited edition prints of the white-suited character test-driving cars around the Top Gear track.

"I was absolutely amazed when he said he was The Stig, it was quite a big thing in a weird way," gallery owner Simon Whitehead was quoted as saying.

The BBC has a policy of never commenting on the character's identity.

A spokesman for the show, presented by Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May, told the paper: "We never comment on speculation as to who or what The Stig is."

Collins began his motorsport career in 1994 and has raced at Le Mans and in Formula Three.
He worked as a stunt driver on the latest James Bond film, Quantum Of Solace, and has also appeared on Top Gear as himself.

If they won’t comment it must be true then.

One law for some-Professional tree-climber fined for Opera House stunt a man who climbed a sail of the Sydney Opera House has been fined $1,500.

The 26-year-old from Western Australia was arrested early this morning.

He fronted Downing Centre Local Court this afternoon, where he was fined for trespassing.

The court heard the man climbs trees for a living.

When Billy Connelly did it the BBC paid him.

And finally:

The brains in Oxford have come up with the -ten most irritating expressions

1 - At the end of the day
2 - Fairly unique
3 - I personally
4 - At this moment in time
5 - With all due respect
6 - Absolutely
7 - It's a nightmare
8 - Shouldn't of
9 - 24/7
10 - It's not rocket science

I think they may have missed some:

Move the goalposts
Pushing the envelope
Singing from the same hymn sheet
Thinking outside the box
I hear what you’re saying
On the same page

And the phrase that I find the most annoying:

MPs Expenses.

Damn I wasn’t going to mention that!


“Of all the thirty-six alternatives, running away is best.” Chinese proverb

Angus


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