THE SUNDAY SECTION

Before the off-it’s over! That nerve grating, personality cringing, load of old crap has finished.

And no I didn’t watch it, I hid the remote from the cat, but apparently according to the interminable “news” on BBC1 it was a bunch of “street dancers”, well done them, now can I have my TV back please.

First up:






Pease release me staff at Newcastle International Airport have seized some pease pudding (boiled split peas and ham fat) on security grounds.

It seems that staff seize abut 450 litres of “banned” liquids each day, Chris Davis head of operations said “said it was costing the airport a fortune in recycling and waste disposal.

He urged people to remember security regulations prohibiting the carrying of liquid items in hand luggage.

He said: "The current restrictions on taking liquids through security search have been in place for nearly three years, but many passengers are still unfamiliar with the rules.

"We're asking our customers to make sure they're aware of what can and can't be taken through security search in their hand luggage, particularly in relation to the ban on carrying liquid items larger than 100ml.

"Our aim is to reduce the number of bottles, jars and cans we have to confiscate from passengers and, at the same time, ease the pressure on our security teams.

"The simple rule is to pack suntan lotions, gels, creams and perfumes in your suitcase and check them into the hold.”

I bet that doesn’t pease many people.

Pensioner gives birth Elizabeth Adeney and her newborn son, who weighed 5lb 3oz, are said to be doing "extremely well" in hospital.

The child was delivered by caesarean section on Tuesday afternoon. Doctors are understood to have brought the procedure forward because Mrs Adeney had developed a complication.

Mrs Adeney travelled to Ukraine for IVF treatment as clinics in the UK refuse to treat women over 50 and the NHS does not recommend fertility treatment for the over-40s.

She continued working at Delmore Ltd, the Suffolk plastics and textiles firm where she is managing director, until days before the birth.

She is separated from Robert Adeney, the former chairman of London luxury leather and hunting goods firm Swaine Adeney Brigg and Sons – which supplied horse whips to the Royal Family.

Mrs Adeney has defended her decision to have IVF, saying: "It's not physical age that is important - it's how I feel inside. Some days I feel 39. Others, I feel 56."

Yeah right, and when the child is 14 she will be 80, so much for age bringing wisdom.

Woman scorned takes revenge Kira V apparently got a bit annoyed when her boyfriend reused to marry her after they had been together for two years.

After a night of eating and drinking; Alik D fell asleep and Kira tied some firecrackers to his todger, lit the blue touch paper and stood well back, the resulting explosion blew his tackle clean off, he is now in intensive care and Kira is in deep do-do facing 12 years.

The good news is that if he recovers there is a place for him as a falsetto in the local choir.

Oh the shame of it an expedition team which set sail from Plymouth on a 5,000-mile (8,000km)carbon emission-free trip to Greenland have been rescued by an oil tanker.

Raoul Surcouf, Richard Spink and skipper Ben Stoddart sent a mayday because they feared for their safety amid winds of 68mph (109km/h).

All three are reportedly exhausted but safe on board the Overseas Yellowstone.

Mr Surcouf, 40, from Jersey, Mr Spink, 31, and Mr Stoddart, 43, from Bristol, are due to arrive in the USA on 8 May.

Perhaps they could use some of the oil for the engine so that they can get back safely.



And finally:

Jane Bond she aint! - As the plane from Ecuador began its descent into the Colombian capital of Bogota, Agent T must have felt a shiver of excitement about her new task.

She was being posted to the drugs capital of the world — where she had secured a role gathering intelligence in the war against the global cocaine trade worth £50 billion a year. An undercover customs officer with UK’s Serious Organised Crime Agency (Soca), she would be responsible for providing vital information on Colombia’s drugs cartels.

In her handbag was a memory stick full of secret information that she had downloaded from computer systems at her old office. On it, sources say, were “Soca’s crown jewels” — the names, code names, addresses and operational details of dozens of Soca officers and their confidential informants.

After the plane landed in April 2006, Agent T caught a bus heading for her new office.
For reasons that are still unclear, by the time she left the airport her handbag — and the memory stick — were gone. “She’s a lovely girl but a bit daft and scatterbrained”, said an officer who has worked with her.

In Colombia, where the drug lords were always trying to keep one step ahead of the authorities, such information was gold dust. The loss risked the lives of undercover agents and informants who have now had to be relocated. He said the total cost of aborted operations was to the tune of £100 million.


Where’s Q when you need him.


“Sunday: a day for not doing the things you haven’t done all week” Angus Dei


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