Peg leg peril, Put pockets, Grave shortage, no Jumbos on the beach and DIY

Weather is hot, radiator is back in the box and I am back in the garden, life is hard.....

First up:

You sure that's a wooden leg?

A holidaymaker was pulled from water he had fallen in to by alerting rescuers to his presence by waving his wooden leg.


He fell out of his small inflatable dinghy, at Restronguet, Cornwall, and was helped out of the water by two yacht workers who were passing on another boat, after waving the wooden limb.


Jerry Hobkirk, from Falmouth Yacht Brokers, said: "Dave Thomas and Royston Dower were delivering a boat when they saw a woman screaming on the shoreline.


"They went back and saw a man clinging to a buoy waving to get their attention."


He said that it was only when they got closer that they could see he was waving his wooden leg to get their attention.


Mr. Hobkirk said that the two men managed to drag the man into their boat before taking him back to his concerned wife on the shoreline.



And then they told him to hop it...........What?

Broadband bonus

Visitors to London always have to be on the look out for pickpockets, but now there's another, more positive phenomenon on the loose -- putpockets.


Aware that people are suffering in the economic crisis, 20 former pickpockets have turned over a new leaf and are now trawling London's tourist sites slipping money back into unsuspecting pockets.


Anything from 5 pounds to 20 pound notes is being surreptitiously deposited in unguarded pockets or open handbags in Trafalgar Square, Covent Garden and other busy spots.


The initiative, which runs until the end of August in London before being rolled out countrywide, is being funded by a broadband provider, which says it wants to brighten up people's lives in unusual ways.


"It feels good to give something back for a change -- and Britons certainly need it in the current economic climate," said Chris Fitch, a former pickpocket who now heads TalkTalk's putpocketing initiative.


"Every time I put money back in someone's pocket, I feel less guilty about the fact I spent many years taking it out."


London's police have been briefed about the plan, which will see at least 100,000 pounds given away.



They can afford to give away £100,000 but can’t afford to offer broadband where I live...bastards!

There I was digging this hole

The Home Office has drawn up plans for mass graves in London to deal with a second wave of swine flu expected this autumn.


Crematoriums and cemeteries may have to work round the clock to deal with the number of bodies, says a 59-page document which has also been sent to hospitals.


The grim preparations, discussed at a meeting of Whitehall officials and council leaders last month, will affect areas where there may not be enough graves.


Within weeks of a full-blown pandemic, the number of burials could more than double and some cemeteries, particularly in inner-city areas, “may experience a shortage of grave space”, says the report — Framework For Planners Preparing To Manage Deaths.


It discusses using “a grave that is for a number of unrelated persons, excavated mechanically in advance and designed for efficient preparation and use”.


It says this approach would create a “site for multiple graves and consecutive burials” but added there must still be “marking of the position of individual burials”.


Freight containers and “inflatable” storage units may provide extra mortuary space.


During the meeting, officials discussed the need for cemeteries and crematoriums to work seven days a week, and the hiring of extra staff.


The report also warns there may be a need for “shorter services at the chapel” or for memorial services to be held at a person's home instead.


John Barradell, Westminster's deputy chief executive, said the council had to plan for the worst, adding: “We have a flu pandemic plan in place which has been rigorously tested.


Senior officers are meeting regularly to monitor the changing situation.”



So they have dug a big hole and Council officials are looking into it.

Jumbo doo doo a no no

Granville, in Normandy has banned Elephants from having a paddle, Last year, elephants from one of the circuses that tour many French towns in the summer months were allowed on to the beach But inspectors checking water quality found traces of their droppings in the sea and issued a warning over health standards at the beach, which is popular with French and foreign holidaymakers.


"Circuses are more than welcome," said Roland Huet, an official at Granville's town hall. "But this year the rules governing their stay clearly specify they cannot allow any animals, including elephants, to bathe on our beaches because of the risk of pollution," he added.


Granville is particularly susceptible to this type of contamination due to its sheltered location in the bay of Mont Saint Michel, according to Huet.


A repeat of last year's incident would prompt the closure of the beach and could seriously damage Granville's reputation as a seaside resort.


"Imagine having to explain to thousands of holidaymakers that the beach has been closed due to animal droppings," he said.


Fair enough, but imagine waking up after a siesta and seeing bloody great Elephants all around you.



And finally:



I couldn’t let a day pass without a Numpty, so here are some examples of Numpty car repairs.

Angus

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

AnglishLit

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