I lost-your fault, Blobby’s mate has lost it, Numpty terrorist, lotta parking and keep away from the Celts

I have returned, and I can hear the groans already, the reason for my absence? The wireless thingy which connects me to the whatnot died, I managed to purchase one and paid an exorbitant price to have it delivered this morn.

Just so that I can continue to annoy as many readers as possible, and pollute the blogodoodah with inane and uninteresting “news”.

My apologies to anyone who has commented over speak like a pirate day and I haven’t answered, I will, that will teach you.

Strangely enough I quite enjoyed my day off; it gave me time not to do the things I haven’t done during the week.


First up:

Gambler forced to lose money

I am not sure if this guy qualifies as a Numpty, but he certainly meets the definition of an arsehole.

A 61-year-old man says he wants a Detroit casino to return the $673,854 he lost at the site during a decade of regular gambling.

The Detroit News said Sunday that professional engineer Italo Mario Parise is suing the Motor City Casino for allegedly failing to stop him from gambling once he endured significant losses.

Parise alleges in his Wayne County Circuit Court lawsuit, which is based around an obscure state statute called gaming: action by loser, that casino officials did nothing to stop him from gambling despite his 1996 filing for Chapter 13 bankruptcy.

Parise alleges casino official knew or should have known about his financial struggles during his 10-year gambling spree.

Attorney Deborah Brouwer, one of the lawyers representing Motor City, said in a court filing a state provision allowing gamblers to recover losses would be the death knell for the Detroit casinos, none of which would be able to remain in business if forced to return gambling losses to disgruntled gamblers.

So, own up, who was it that forced this poor unfortunate sphincter into the casino at gunpoint?

Mr Blobby's helper wishes for.........

Noel Edmonds, the television presenter, has launched an iPhone application for people who believe in the New Age philosophy of Cosmic Ordering.

Followers say they place orders with the Cosmos, by writing them down. They then wait for their wishes to come true and record what happens.

Edmonds has attributed much of his recent success to the principles of Cosmic Ordering, which encourages people to think positively about what they want from life.

He had not worked on TV since the end of his BBC TV show ‘Noel's House Party’ in 1999. He said he wished for a new challenge and was later offered the chance to return to TV to work on Deal or No Deal.

Edmonds said: ''We must never forget that the Cosmos exists solely to help those who want to help themselves. It is an incredibly powerful force and a wonderful friend and ally for all who adopt a positive approach to life.

''However, the Cosmos won't, indeed it can't, assist you unless you adhere to the three basic rules of Cosmic Ordering, the most important of which is belief in yourself and your right to be successful.''

The application allows phone users to record their orders and how the Cosmos responded to the request.

“Deal or no Deal” he certainly lucked out there.

And if you want to order a cosmic, you can do so HERE

Rectum..... Bloody near blew them off

Today’s super Numpty comes in the guise of a terrorist, suicide bomber Abdullah Hassan Tali al-Asiri attempted to kill a Saudi prince by detonating explosives hidden in his bottom.

Al-Asiri, 23, managed to blow himself up in the attack in Jeddah, but his target, Prince Mohammed Bin Nayef, escaped with minor injuries.

Security experts said they have not come across a bomber who has concealed explosives in this way.

Al-Asiri, who was on a local "Most Wanted" list, arranged a meeting with him after insisting he had turned his back on terrorism.

By hiding the explosives in his bottom he managed to pass security checks before entering the prince's office.

It is believed they were detonated electronically.

Mike Yardley, a weapons expert and former soldier, said: "Hiding it in a body cavity was obviously an attempt to defeat scanners and detectors.

"Thankfully on this occasion the victim escaped because the bomber's body appears to have suppressed the force of the blast."

Prince Nayef, who had led an anti-terror crackdown in Saudi Arabia, injured his hand.
He said: "He surprised me by blowing himself up."

I’m sorry, I know this is supposed to be “serious” but that is a hell of a way to cure constipation.

Pay and park on EBay

The rich council of The Royal Borough of Windsor and Maidenhead has registered itself as a seller on the online auction site and is putting parking permits under the hammer.

Unlike permits already available from the council, the auctioned tickets will entitle buyers to a guaranteed personal parking space in a multi-storey car park.

Initially, only three-month permits will be available on eBay, but if successful, the authority hopes to extend the scheme to provide six and 12-month contracts.

A reserve will be placed on each auctioned permit to ensure that the council does not make a loss. However, it could still be possible to obtain a permit cheaper on eBay than directly from the council, officials said. The reserve price has yet to be fixed.

Councillor Colin Rayner, cabinet member for highways and streetcare, said the idea came about after the Tory council successfully sold a surplus of old workmen's boots and gloves on eBay.

He said that the scheme would be piloted by selling permits at the Stafferton Way multi-storey car park in Maidenhead town centre, which is currently not being filled to capacity.

Err; am I being stupid but who is going to bid for a space when there are spaces available at “normal” rates?

What next, make a bid for your council tax, or maybe to have your dustbins emptied?

And finally:

Times don't change

Scotland is full of dangerous natives who speak an incomprehensible language and the weather is awful. That was the verdict of a series of 13th century Viking travel guides that warned voyagers to visit at their peril.

The medieval chronicles, set down on yellowed calf vellum eight centuries ago, describe Scotland – or Skotland, as it was known – as an unwelcome and inhospitable country offering rewards only to the bold.

"Icelanders who want to practise robbery are advised to go there," says one saga. "But it may cost them their life."

At least they didn’t have deep fried Mars Bars then, but I bet the Glasgow kiss was used quite a lot.

Angus

AnglishLit

Angus Dei-NHS-THE OTHER SIDE

Angus Dei politico