Tired of living-can’t afford to die: Up your Gas: Germany Invaded by Columbia: Criminal Veg: French Tweets: Monkey medics: and a bit more of Pippa.

‘Orrible at the Castle this morn, damp, cold, and breezy, yesterday turned out ‘Orrible as well until 6 of the pm, the bollards are still missing and his Maj has discovered a new way to come and go.

Apparently the C of E is planning to increase the cost of funerals by nearly 50 per cent to bring consistent pricing across its parishes and raise extra revenue at a time of continued economic hardship.

In a proposal set to be discussed today at the church's General Synod in York, the price of a funeral will rise from £102 to £150 while weddings will go up from £284 to £425.

Church leaders stress that the move is an attempt to streamline the way churches charge for their services by bringing in a standard fee in response complaints that parishes often had different pricing lists. But many will feel hit hard by the price increases which have been replicated elsewhere.

Last year, a survey by the National Association of Funeral Directors found that, across the country, charges by local authorities for cremation and burial had risen by up to 48 per cent since 2007. The fees charged by funeral directors for a typical funeral reached an average of £1,515, up 3.25 per cent since 2007.

I wish; it cost me over £3,000 back in 2005 for “M”s do.

And that gracious, caring company British Gas has decided to hike the cost of gas by 18pc next month, some customers face a 24 per cent rise in their gas costs, depending on where they live and how they are charged. An additional 16 per cent average rise in electricity bills will add £190 to the typical yearly dual fuel bill.

British Gas warned customers there may be little point in attempting to change supplier as the move looks set to be repeated throughout the industry, due to wholesale prices having risen by almost a third since the winter.

This latest rise, which comes on top of a 7 per cent increase in December, was announced only two days after a study by uSwitch.com showed that 6.3 million households in the UK are classed as being in fuel poverty, for spending at least 10 per cent of their income on energy bills.

Consumer Focus condemned the rise, saying that consumer bills were now at a historical high despite wholesale prices still being a third lower than the peak they hit in 2008.  

So who is telling porkies?

 Right a smidge to the land of leather trousers and invasions

Experts in the western German town of Bexbach are still searching a supermarket for a spider that jumped out of a Colombian fruit crate on Friday. The eight-legged escape artist is thought to be a highly venomous banana spider.

A spokesman for the grocery store told German news agency DAPD that the supermarket remained closed to ensure customer safety.

He said experts were "frantically" working to track down the creature, though there had still been no trace of it.

Staff from the zoo in Neunkirchen are at the scene, and zoo director Norbert Fritsch said the risk is not to be underestimated if the arachnid in question was, indeed, a banana spider.

He said the spider's bites can be life-threatening, even for a healthy adult. Banana spiders can grow to be 13 centimetres in size. The term refers to two genera of spiders, one of which is large but relatively harmless, and another highly venomous species.

 Still, you could use a rolled up copy of the defunct NOTW for defence if you go shopping there.

 Over to the very ex-colonies

After a warning, a ticket and now a misdemeanour charge, an Oak Park, Mich., woman faces up to 93 days in jail for refusing to remove a vegetable crop from her front lawn.

Julie Bass says that she thought it would be "really cool" for the neighbours and kids to see a front yard garden, but some community members don't appreciate the vegetable plot.

According to a local ABC affiliate, city code states that "all unpaved portions of the site shall be planted with grass or ground cover or shrubbery or other suitable live plant material."

Posing the question: Are cabbages, peppers, tomatoes and cucumbers "suitable" for the front lawn?

"If you look at the definition of what suitable is in Webster's dictionary, it will say common. So, if you look around and you look in any other community, what's common to a front yard is a nice, grass yard with beautiful trees and bushes and flowers," Oak Park City Planner Kevin Rulkowski told MyFoxDetroit.

Nevertheless, Bass has refused to comply with the city's requests to remove the plants or place them in her backyard.

"It's definitely live. It's definitely plant. It's definitely material. We think it's suitable," Bass said.

Surprised they recognised them as vegetables..........(Clarkson would be proud of me).

 

Across to the bottom bit of Carolina

A University of South Carolina professor who encourages her students to use Twitter in French class will be getting honorary knighthood from the French government.

University spokeswoman Peggy Binette says associate professor Lara Anderson has been awarded the Order of Academic Palms for advancing the French language.

The honour was established by Napoleon Bonaparte. Binette says the award and medallion will be presented by the French consul this fall.

Anderson is the author of a book about using social networking and online study to advance foreign language instruction and has promoted new technologies for foreign language teaching techniques.

Anderson says the use of Twitter in the classroom allows students to develop conversation skills and build a sense of communal language learning in and out of the classroom.  

Yeah right, and it saves all that teaching rubbish...

 Right a huge amount of imperial units

Patients at an Indian hospital have been receiving some surprise visitors after monkeys learned how to operate its automatic doors.

Local rhesus macaque monkeys soon worked out how to use the motion-censor doors and have since been running amok in the wards, kitchens and corridors.

They have terrorised patients in the neurosurgery department and recovery rooms, stealing food, playing with medical equipment, attacking staff and generally causing chaos.

With an average of one monkey bite case in the hospital every week, authorities have taken steps to scare off the macaques.

They have hired two larger monkeys - grey langurs – to chase them away.

 Sounds like the “security” at my local butchers shop.

 And finally:

Just to wind up James

Pippa Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge’s sports-loving sister, has joined her local golf club in Berkshire.

In recent weeks, she has been photographed running in a triathlon, taking part in the Highland Cross Challenge and cheering Andy Murray to victory in the quarter finals at Wimbledon. Now, the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister is to add another sport to her CV: golf.

Pippa, 27, who is courting the former England cricketer Alex Loudon, has joined the golf club at Bradfield College, a boarding school a few miles away from the Middleton family’s home in Berkshire.

“It’s the talk of the club,” gushes one member, somewhat breathlessly. A member of staff at Bradfield College Golf Club confirms that the Middletons have been spotted on the greens. However, Nick Barton, the club secretary, declines to celebrate his glamorous recruit.

 Is that a hole in one?

That’s it: I’m orf to decode a Potato

And today’s thought: Does killing time damage eternity? 

Angus