Sick of Lansley: Tata Nano: Great Tits for twitchers: Wahroonga blast: Four faces of time: Can’t believe me Mince Pies: Snoring Dormouse: and adopt a Swan.

Still misty, murky and miserable at the Castle this morn, the elbow still hurts, the study is overflowing with dodgy do-dahs and I have finally collected my new glasses. 

Apparently “bedside entertainment systems” are now installed at about half the NHS hospitals across the country.

And patients have to pay up to £5 per day to access phone, TV and email, but the worst thing about it is that the face of Andrew Lansley the Health Secretary appears on a loop on the in-house televisions in which he says “your care really matters to me”.

Mr Lansley’s message starts: “Hello, I’m Andrew Lansley, the Health Secretary. I just want to take a few moments to say that your care while you’re here in hospital really matters to me.”

Until individuals register, the television plays the message, which repeats every three or four minutes and comes complete with subtitles.

Just what you need when you have tubes inserted into every orifice-another arsehole....

And the world's cheapest motor car, India's Tata Nano, has been given a makeover, after disappointing sales since it was launched in 2009.

The 2012 Nano will be available in more colours and have more luxurious interiors, as part of an effort to rejuvenate its appeal.

The manufacturers also say the car will be more fuel-efficient.

Tata motors, which makes the Nano, also manufactures British luxury cars Jaguar and Land Rover.

The car's makers say they hope the new model will help to increase sales. The price of the car will remain the same.

It was launched in 2009, amid great fanfare as a car costing just 100,000 rupees ($1,979; £1,366). Tata owner Ratan Tata has described it as a "milestone" at the time.

At that price it will be more like a millstone....

Up in Cleveland

Twitchers from around the country descended on deserted headland near Redcar, Cleveland, after receiving a sighting of a rare Hume’s leaf warbler.

They set up cameras and telescopic lenses along the town’s South Gare hoping to catch sight of the Asian green and yellow bird as it hopped around bushes and rocks.

Then the Great Tits arrived-a blonde model in a thong sat astride a motorbike, posing for a shoot.

Two models also stripped off on the beach and the birdwatchers were left buzzing as they took advantage of the unexpected photo opportunity.

Bet there was a fair amount of “twitching” going on in the bushes for a while...

Dahn Unda

A gas explosion inside a car has injured a woman and blown debris to all ends of a suburban street in Sydney's north.

The 47-year-old female driver was parked on Clissold Road, Wahroonga when a can of butane caused a massive explosion about 1.20am this morning.

Monique Wells, 41, and her partner were woken by the blast that sent parts of the Toyota Prius all over the road and into their front yard.

"We were asleep and then we heard an explosion," Mrs Wells said. "I came running out, bare foot, and there was a lady in the car and her hair was all frazzled."

"She was trapped, she couldn't move in the car."

"I pulled my T-shirt off to put over her face because of all the smoke. I didn't know where all the smoke was coming from."

Mrs Wells discovered the back seat was on fire and her husband raced to put out the flames.

It’s a bloody Prius-let it burn...

Back in Blighty

Visitors to the Moor Shopping Centre in Brierley Hill, West Midlands, are being left baffled by a clock which shows four times - all of them wrong.

The Millennium Clock was built to celebrate the arrival of the ‘noughties’ but has not shown the right time for 11 years, it has been claimed.

Last week, one face was 31min slow, a second was 33min slow, the third was 1hr 46min fast and the fourth was 2hr fast.

Tock tick, tick tock.

Dahn in the Smoke

The world's most valuable mince pie is to go on show at a shopping centre in London.

The £3,000 mince pie was made using traditional ingredients from recipes dating back to the 17th century.

They include the highest-grade platinum leaf, holy water from Lourdes to bind the pastry, vanilla beans and cinnamon from eastern spice markets, and ambergris sugar which is derived from sperm whale secretions.

It also contains a solid platinum coin in keeping with the British tradition of placing a silver coin in a Christmas cake or pudding.

It took ten days for Andrew Stellitano, who runs food design company Astarism, to make the exclusive mince pie.

The pie will be on display for a month at the Marvellous Mince Pie Manufactory in The Exchange shopping centre in Ilford.

It's said to be worth £3,000 but will go to the winner of a prize draw on December 19.

 
Wonder if they do a sugar free version......

Dahn even more

Footage of a snoring Surrey dormouse curled up in the palm of man's hand has been viewed more than 146,000 times on YouTube.

The 31-second clip shows the rodent gently rocking as with his eyes closed and little paws tucked in he takes deep breaths, while being cradled in the hand of a nature officer, who gently strokes the top of his head with his thumb.

The dormouse was in a deep sleep when he was discovered by the Surrey Wildlife Trust during a survey of nesting boxes in woods near Leatherhead.

He did not wake up when he was taken out to be weighed - and carried on snoring while ecologists recorded this video.

However the camera failed to capture the sound of the snore, described by SWT mammal project officer Dave Williams as "a loud whistle."

Glad about that, I thought I had gone deaf....

And finally:

Apparently

The latest thing for Crimbo is to adopt a swan, click on the link above and give a loved one a bleedin great white bird that is bad tempered, anti social and belongs to her Maj.

Now if it was to adopt one of the Great Tits....... 

That’s it: I’m orf to get some near-infrared emitting substance

And today’s thought: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste.

Angus