Bank of Bollocks: Pension properties: Not bringing home the bacon (or sausages): Nipple checks: ‘Eel not do that again: and a Teenage wanker who won’t be able to...

Dark, more than damp, dingy and drear at the Castle this morn, a surprising amount of lack of cold and double that amount of non atmospheric movement.

Had a day out with a few mates yesterday-it pissed dahn all day and all evening and all night.

 And Blogger is being a right pain in the Asaragus...hence the piss poor formatting...

I see that Three Core Cable

 

Is about to give £1 billion of our loot to try to help firms struggling to borrow from traditional high street banks.

He claims the business bank will be a “lasting monument” underlining the need for fundamental reform of the banking system in the wake of the credit crisis.

There have been widespread complaints from small and medium-sized firms that banks are blocking access to finance and hindering their ability to expand.

According to the old fart “I am working with the Chancellor to develop a state-backed institution that will combine up to £1 billion of new government capital with a larger private sector contribution.”

 

Ye-fucking Gods! Here’s an idea-why not get back £1 billion of our money given to the Wanker Bankers and use that?

 

And according to What’s His Name

 

Middle-class parents and grandparents will be able to use money from their pension funds to give grown-up children a deposit to get on the housing ladder, the Liberal Democrats have promised.

The Deputy Prime Monster, revealed details of the “pensions for property” scheme at the Lib Dem conference in Brighton.

The scheme will be targeted at parents who have built up a pension fund worth around £40,000 and are nearing retirement.

Lib Dem officials estimated that around 250,000 households have pension assets of around that value.

They include many public sector workers including teachers and nurses.

Pension schemes typically allow members to take around a quarter of the value of the fund in a lump sum when they retire.

Some people use the money for home improvements, holidays or cars. Ministers said the scheme would allow them to forego such things and help their children instead.

Under the new scheme, parents would sign an agreement with their child’s mortgage lender promising that the lump sum will go towards the cost of the child’s home.

So a parent with a £40,000 pension pot would be able to promise £10,000 as a deposit on a child’s first home.

 

Have I slipped into an alternative universe while I was sleeping?

 

 

 

 

And allegedly

 

 

 

  

 

 

Blighty is facing a bacon and sausage shortage as pig farmers reduce the size of their herds due to the

soaring price of feed.

A mass cull is under way among farmers who can no longer afford to feed their animals, according to the National Pig Association.

Droughts in North America and Russia have caused a global failure in the grain crop used for animal feed, pushing up the price.

The National Pig Association predicts Britain’s breeding stock will shrink by more than eight per cent by Christmas.

Chairman Richard Longthorp said: ‘There will be a shortage of pigs very soon and that will lead to spiralling prices.’

 

Piggin breakfast-or not...

 

East to the land of lots of things

 

It seems that beauty contests are a tad different in China, as well as measuring the contestant’s chest, waist, and hips an extra bit-the distance between nipples, if the nipples are not at least 20 centimetres apart, then the contestant is out.

 

Yet another job I have missed out on….

 

 

 

 

Dahn Unda, and right a bit 

 

 

 

 

A man with an eel lodged in his bottom has shown up at a New Zealand emergency department 

 

asking for help.

 

The unnamed man presented himself at the Auckland City Hospital for treatment last week, the New Zealand Herald reported.

 

X-rays revealed the eel "about the size of a decent sprig of asparagus," a hospital source told the newspaper.

 

The eel was removed and the man went on his way. The hospital confirmed the story to the newspaper, but revealed no further details in order to protect the man's privacy.

 

It was not clear how the eel had found its way inside the man. According to the newspaper, eels are secretive, nocturnal and prefer habitats with plenty of cover.

 

  

Bum Asparagus?

  

   

 

And finally:

 

Right a lot to the home of the gun and the land of no balls

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

 A teenager accidentally shot himself in the penis and testicle while cleaning his new gun.

 

Michael Smeriglio had reportedly not had the gun for longer than a month when the bizarre (and painful) accident happened.

 

While cleaning his weapon 9the gun, not his knob) 18-year-old Smeriglio somehow pulled the trigger and fired a shot which went through his penis and left testicle.

 

 

Doctors say the bullet ended up getting lodged in his thigh, though Smeriglio is now recovering from the ordeal.

 

 

During their investigation of the incident, police reportedly found marijuana in the house.

 

 

Stone me, what a Plonker...

That’s it: I’m orf to print out a new motor...

And today’s thought:

Bye-bye cruel world...

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

Angus