Nepalese nest egg: Our chance: U-Turn Cam-reality check: G’day Dave: Wombling Crimbo: Getting Nun: and Larry has PMs Confidence.

Cold, damp, dismal and dodgy at the Castle this morn, the study is filling up nicely with things that do not work, his Maj has finally stopped bringing me worms and the garden is still in need of the rest of the vandalism I have had to postpone.

 

I see that dahn ‘ere in ‘Ampshire

The Castle’s local council is to receive the "majority" of a £1.5m fund set up to ease the pressure on resources amid an influx of former Ghurkha soldiers.

Up to 10% of the population of Rushmoor Borough Council, whose area includes Aldershot, is now Nepalese after a legal ruling allowing them to stay.

In 2009 the government allowed Ghurkha soldiers who had retired before 1997 to settle in the UK, which followed a high-profile campaign lead by actress Joanna Lumley.

I used to like Lumley...

Apparently last night U-Turn Cam described the EU as "out of touch" with reality, but insisted that Britain would be worse off if it left the 27-nation club.

In his annual foreign policy speech, the Prime Minister said the crisis in the eurozone offered an opportunity to "refashion" the EU. Describing himself as a sceptic, he attacked the union's "grand plans and utopian visions" and said: "For too long, the European Union has tried to make reality fit its institutions. But you can only succeed in the long run if the institutions fit the reality."

 

That does sound familiar-out of touch with reality, grand plans and utopian visions-ah, yes it is the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

 And:  

A bit of Dave-ja vu

Brussels has become ‘out of touch’ with ‘pointless interference, rules and regulations that stifle growth not unleash it’, the prime minister said.

However, he insisted that with European countries accounting for half of Britain’s trade, ‘leaving the EU is not in our national interest’.

Meanwhile, the Bank of England is expected to slash its growth forecast today from 1.5 per cent to one per cent amid fears the crisis will drag Britain into a double-dip recession.

Unemployment figures, out on Wednesday, are expected to show youth unemployment has hit one million

It’s all going well then Dave.....

And staying with the Arse

U-Turn Cam was met with laughter and applause for his attempt at mastering the Australian accent while recounting a meeting with our very own Prime Minister Julia Gillard

In his annual set piece foreign policy speech to the Lord Mayor of London's banquet, Cameron described the Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting in Perth as one of the highlights of his year.

Cameron labelled the meeting's decision to allow first-born daughters the right to the British thrown as an 'historic agreement' and preceded to relate a conversation with Gillard.

'At the end of this meeting I turned to the Australian Prime Minister and said thank you very much Julia for allowing us to have this meeting in Australia,' Cameron said.

'And she said, I can't quite do the accent but I'll try - 'Not a bit David, this is good news for Sheila’s everywhere'.' 

He isn’t doing much of a job mimicking being a politician either....

Up in Wimbledon

Britain’s furriest eco-warriors The Wombles have decided to take on the TV talent contest after their Glastonbury performance became the surprise hit of this summer’s festivals.

The video for Wombling Merry Christmas, which charted at No.2 in Christmas 1974, sees the novelty stars send up former X-Factor hopefuls Jedward as they perform to judges, including a Womble Simon Cowell.

A greatest hits album, The W Factor, will also be released on December 12, featuring singles such as Remember You’re A Womble.

Uncle Bulgaria, star of the children’s TV show that spawned the band, said: ‘I don’t watch much television – I leave that to the young Wombles – but I hear The X Factor is jolly popular.

Not in the Castle it isn’t.....

Over in the land of Casinos and credit cards

A nun has narrowly avoided jail in the US after she admitted stealing £620,000 to gamble in slot machines.

Sister Marie Thornton, 65, took the cash from a Catholic college where she worked as a financial officer, reports The Mirror.

Manhattan federal court heard she would regularly lose more than £3,000 in one session in casinos in Atlantic City.

She submitted false invoices and arranged for Iona College in New York to pay her credit card bills. The college has clawed £300,000 back through insurance.

Thornton admitted stealing over 10 years and said she was "deeply sorry" for the embarrassment caused to her religious order and family.

A judge ordered her to complete 2,000 hours of unpaid work and pay back £217,600, saying it appeared she had been rehabilitated.

As an act of contrition, the nun now spends her days and nights in solitary confinement in a small room inside a Philadelphia convent.

A really bad habit-sorry......

And finally:

Back in number ten

Downing Street defended its resident cat Larry on Monday after Prime Minister David Cameron reportedly flung a fork at a mouse that had escaped the tabby's attention.

The Daily Mail newspaper said Cameron saw the mouse during a dinner with Cabinet colleagues at 10 Downing Street in central London and hurled a silver folk at the rodent as it scuttled across the floor.

Larry was recruited from a strays' home as Downing Street's "mouser-in-chief" in February after a rat was spotted in television news bulletins scurrying around outside the famous black door of the PM's residence.

Asked whether Larry should resign, Cameron's official spokesman said only: "Larry brings a lot of pleasure to a lot of people".

Unlike the rest of the residents....

That’s it: I’m orf to put a filter on the moat. 

And today’s thought: Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.

Angus

Hell of a “Lord”: Cutting council cuts: Cactus cat: I me wed: Lot of photo: and Panda poo tea.

Not bad at the Castle this morn, warmish, dampish and calmish, the study is void of any broken what-knots, and I am finally orf to visit “Ms” sister in the smoke.

And today’s worm pic-getting a bit fed up with it now.

Poor old thieving Lord Hanningfield

Who stole £14,000 from us has told auntie that “he has been through "hell" for two years over his expenses.”

The former Essex County Council leader said he slept better in prison than he had during the police investigation and said: "I've paid my debt."

He said he did not believe at the time he was doing anything wrong in making claims for overnight stays in London when he actually returned to Essex.

He was jailed for nine months in July but was released on licence in September and currently wears an electronic tag and observes a 1915 GMT curfew.

 Oh dear, what a shame.....

Over the Solent

Two disabled men who faced losing their right to care won a landmark High Court case yesterday over cost cutting by their council. It was the latest in a series of rulings that threatens to disrupt the Government's attempts to slash local authority spending.

Campaigners said the judgment, in which the Isle of Wight council's plan to reduce its adult social care budget was ruled unlawful and quashed, should serve as a warning to every council that is planning cuts.

It is the second High Court ruling this week to deal a major blow to local authorities seeking to save millions of pounds by targeting adult social care in the wake of massive central government cuts to their budgets.

Mrs Justice Lang, sitting in London, ruled against the Isle of Wight's plan to restrict access to social care by making it harder for people to meet eligibility criteria. The judgment makes it unlawful for councils trying to make cuts to adult social care to ignore the impact this will have on a person's quality of life.

Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition take note.

Way over to the left

An Arizona kitty was perched atop a giant saguaro cactus for at least three days before finally coming down on its own.

Residents living in a desert area northeast of Phoenix noticed the black cat with white patches at the very top of the 30- to 40-foot cactus.

At times, the feline would stand up and survey the area, possibly trying to figure out how to get down _ or how it got up there.

Helicopter video shows the cat eventually climbing down the cactus Friday. It started making its way down head-first before turning around and scooting backward. It finally took a big leap and landed on its feet before wandering into the desert.

Cactaceae cat.

West even further

Apparently thirty-year-old Wei-yih Chen, an office worker from Taipei, was uninspired by the men she had met from whom she would have picked a marriage partner.

So she decided to get married-to herself.

She posed for a set of photos in a flowing white dress, hired a wedding planner and rented a banquet hall for a marriage celebration with 30 friends. She even paid for a solo honeymoon to Australia!

“Age thirty is a prime period for me. My work and experience are in good shape, but I haven’t found a partner, so what can I do? It’s not that I’m anti-marriage. I just hope that I can express a different idea within the bounds of a tradition,” said Chen.

Her wedding, costing NT$50,000 (approx. US$1,500), has generated much online attention in the form of more than 1,800 mostly sympathetic comments.

Bet her wedding night was a blast....

 

Right more than a smidge and a bit

A 1999 photograph of the Rhine River by German artist Andreas Gursky has sold for $4.3 million in New York City, setting a record for any photograph sold at auction.

Titled "Rhein II," the chromogenic colour print face-mounted to acrylic glass, had a pre-sale estimate of $2.5 million to $3.5 million.

It sold Tuesday at Christie's. The buyer was not disclosed.

The previous record for any photography sold at auction was Cindy Sherman's "Untitled," which fetched $3.8 million at Christie's in May.

Gursky's panoramic image of the Rhine is one of an edition of six photographs. Four are in major museums, including the Museum of Modern Art in New York and the Tate Modern in London.

 

Must have a look through the old photo albums for the most boring pic I can find.

And finally:

Back over to the East

College lecture An Yanshi has collected five tons of panda excrement to create a new type of tea.

He believes the rich fertiliser will give rise to a unique aroma that will make his brew a connoisseurs' favourite, which he will be able to sell for up to £50,000 per kilo.

'Pandas have a very poor digestive system and only absorb about 30 per cent of everything they eat. That means their excrement is rich in fibres and nutrients,' Yanshi explained.

'It has a mature, nutty taste and a very distinctive aroma while it's brewing.'

Yanshi, who collects the poo by the lorry load from the Giant Panda breeding centre in Chengdu, Sichuan province, southern China, aims to secure the Guinness World Record once his first batch of the expensive blend is ready for sale.

Can’t wait to see that in Tesco’s.

That’s it: I’m orf to the centre of the Earth. 

And today’s thought: Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet.

Angus

No choice: Lord Young returns: Million miles Honda: ‘Ampshire Zombosium: Life on Earth: and fat cats.

Not a clue about the meteorological conditions at the Castle this morn-too dark to see, but it is warmish and calmish.

The study is chock a thingy with ailing do-dahs, his Maj is stalking things in the lack of light and I have to go to Pets’ City/smart/at home for some pussy litter.

Democracy?

It is with a heavy heart that I see that the EU referendum was shot down by the new Lib/Con/Lab Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition.

It seems that 483 anally retentive “MPs” have decided that 62ish million people in dear old Blighty will not be given a voice over whether or not to stay in the money pit known as the “European Union” which of course started out at the “European Economic Community” a free trade pact designed to allow countries to carry out business without political interference.

I think it was on “Question Time” last week that a point was put to the “panel”-“now that the dictator in Libya has gone: when will ours go?”

Order! Order.

And:

11 months ago “Lord” Young shuffled out of no10 after telling us that we  had "never had it so good" declaring that low interest rates meant home-owners were actually better off thanks to the "so-called recession".

Allegedly the 79-year-old Conservative is returning to his former Downing Street role just 11 months after he stepped down, according to The Telegraph.

Officials have reportedly converted a No 10 meeting room into an office for the peer to use in his unpaid role that will focus on finding ways of removing barriers to growth for small and medium size companies.

Downing Street said it was unable to confirm the appointment. It is understood, however, that an announcement is expected shortly.

Hopefully that the whole bloody useless lot of them are being evicted.

Left a lot to the land of straight roads

LoCicero, 53 was honoured with a surprise parade and given a 2012 Accord on Sunday afternoon after racking up more than 1 million miles on his trusted older model, nicknamed “True Blue” for its light-blue exterior.

He is the first person documented by the car manufacturer to have driven a Honda to the million-mile mark, according to a company spokeswoman.

LoCicero said he’s not sure what he’ll do with the 1990 Accord now that he has a new model, also made in Ohio. He’s tried to sell the older model to a few car dealers recently for $1 million, hoping they’d want to display it to advertise the longevity of Honda vehicles. 

I do like an optimist......

Dahn in ‘Ampshire

The University of Winchester is to hold a Zombosium on Friday, 17 speakers will give talks on how the living dead have infected popular culture.

‘The conference has a serious purpose,’ said organiser Dr Marcus Leaning, lecturer in the school of media and film. ‘You should study popular culture if you want to understand society. Zombies reflect the anxieties and concerns people have. One idea is that it’s due to austerity, another that it stems from the ‘‘climate of fear’’ after al-Qaeda. No-one really believes in zombies but it’s a way of thinking about big scary things such as a terrorist attack. It’s cathartic.’

No it isn’t; its bollocks.....

A nice picture of Human life on Earth.

And fat cats.

That’s it: I’m orf to grow some meat

And today’s thought: "Law will be simplified over the next century. Lawyers will have diminished, & their fees will have been vastly curtailed." - Journalist Julius Henri Browne, 1893

Angus

Bank bonus: 2,000 Sacked-but only for three months: Text neck: Jumbo jam: Bridge not over troubled water: Cat in a cup: and this is the road to a cell.

Tis bright, calm and bloody cold at the Castle this morn, the study is almost empty of misbehaving electronic boxes and the butler is out collecting fat teenagers for the furnace. 

I see that the old lady of Threadneedle Street has decided to give the banks £75 Billion to add to the £200 billion already in the W Bankers pockets to “buy” assets such as government bonds, in an attempt to boost lending by commercial banks. 

Didn’t work last time, so why try it again?

And Auntie has pledged to become “significantly smaller” by sacking 2,000 staff.

Snag is Auntie’s keeper Mark Thompson immediately struck a deal with unions to allow departing employees to return as freelances after three months.

The announcement that 2,000 jobs are to go across the corporation was undermined by the National Union of Journalists, which sent an email to staff confirming that it had secured an agreement that those who left under the cuts programme would be free to “return to the BBC on a freelance or casual basis after three months from their departure date”.

£205 million of savings will be found from programming budgets, including sweeping cuts to BBC Two’s daytime programming and fewer panel shows.

About £145 million will be redirected into a fund for high-quality content such as Panorama, children’s programming and BBC One’s prime-time schedule, as well as ensuring that Radio 4’s programming budget is not touched.

So F1 will go part time but the “good” news is that they will be keeping Strictly come bleedin dancing......

Apparently:

A new condition dubbed "text neck" is on the rise

The affliction, caused by flexing the neck for extended periods of time, can be a forerunner of permanent arthritic damage if it goes without treatment.

Cases of the repetitive strain injury are on the rise as smart phones and tablet computers such as the iPad become increasingly popular, experts said.

In severe cases the muscles can eventually adapt to fit the flexed position, making it painful to straighten the neck out properly.

One chiropractor said her company had treated thousands of patients for the condition, which can also result in headaches and shoulder, arm and wrist pain.

Rachael Lancaster, of Freedom Back Clinics in Leeds, said: "Text neck is caused by the neck being flexed for a prolonged period of time.

Simple answer-turn the bloody things orf......

Up North

An Elephant named Five decided to take a nap in the middle of the road at a West Midlands safari park, causing a “huge” traffic jam.

The 20-year-old African elephant laid across one of the roads at the safari park, much to the amazement of park visitors who were forced to sit in their cars until Five was ready to move.

The out-of-season warm October temperatures are believed to be the main cause of Five's relaxation stunt. However it was not too long until the elephant, weighing in at 11,000Ibs, went on his way to find somewhere less gravelly to rest.

Just a temporary Jumbo Jam then.

Across the big wavy thing on the left

Police in Pennsylvania are investigating the case of a stolen bridge, presumably dismantled to be sold as scrap metal.

The North Beaver Township bridge, made of corrugated steel and valued at about $100,000, was stolen sometime between Sept. 27 and Wednesday, the Ellwood City (Pa.) Ledger reported Thursday.

The 50-foot-long, 20-foot-wide bridge was near a railroad line in a wooded area not owned by the township. Its owner's name was not released.

Picture is of the South Beaver Township bridge.... couldn’t find one of the North Beaver bridge because someone has nicked it.....

Dahn in Welsh Wales

Coffee shop worker Mary Sullivan really got the jitters when the latte she was making turned into a Casper-cino.

She had just poured frothy milk into the cup when the apparition formed in the foam.

'It was very scary, I was petrified,' said the 51-year-old. 'It made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It was one of a kind - I don’t think it'll ever happen again.'

She served it to Gary Breton, 48, a customer in Atlantic Coffee, Cardiff.

Nah-not Caspar it’s a cat.....

And finally:

Across to Essex

A pensioner who led police on a 27 mile low-speed chase at 10mph finally stopped after an officer tapped on her window while running alongside the car.

Caroline Turner, 76, ignored blue flashing lights, but eventually stopped when an officer ran alongside her on a dual carriageway and tapped on her window.

He asked her to stop and she said: "Why, what have I done?" a court heard.

The officer explained that her driving was unacceptable. She replied: "There is nothing to discuss, I'm going home."

She was detained in a police cell overnight on Tuesday (4 October) because officers feared her driving could lead to a fatal accident.

Turner sparked the major police operation after she drove the wrong way round a roundabout in Thorpe, Essex.

She veered onto the opposite side of the road into oncoming vehicles, then refused to stop as cops pursued her along the A12.

She was followed by an unmarked police car from Thorpe to Weeley to the A120 and on to the A12.

Her speed varied from 10mph to 20mph on the 27-mile "chase".

An officer left his vehicle, ran alongside her Ford Fiesta, tapped on the window and asked her to pull over after Turner ignored emergency flashing lights.

Police formed a rolling road block and closed the A12 when she refused to pull over. She was eventually pulled over at Marks Tey - eight miles after entering the dual carriageway.

 Nutty old fart....I'm amazed they could find a woodentop that can run at 10mph...

 That’s it: I’m orf to look for a quaternary rainbow-maybe somewhere over......... 

And today’s thought: Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything.
- Frank Dane.

Angus

Stacking the deck: Up your energy: False imprisonment: The road to nowhere: Wi-Fi wobblers: Exploding vodka: and Cats in hats.

Dark, dry and dismal at the Castle this morn, Dawn’s crack has just appeared on the horizon, the study is half full of non functioning whatsits and I have sent my Gas and Leccy supplier a stiff email on a bit of cardboard.

According to “those in the know” ten million voters could be knocked off the electoral register under government plans which have left MPs "genuinely shocked".

Many of those likely to be affected are from poorer backgrounds and considered more likely to vote Labour.

MPs on the political and constitutional reform select committee realised the potential effect of the changes after three evidence sessions this week with election experts.

Even Tory committee members expressed surprise at the proposals, which would register voters individually and no longer make it compulsory to co-operate with electoral registration officers.

Tristam Hunt, a Labour committee member, said: "These plans show how little this government really cares about democracy or fairness.

"If they get away with it, the effect on the 2020 general election will make the chaotic boundary review published this week look minor. This is designed to wipe the poor and the young off the political map.

"We are moving from a notion of registering as part as a civic duty to something akin to personal choice like a Nectar card or BA miles."

Or maybe a ticket to the circus.....

 

Chris (no nuclear/yes nuclear power) Huhne

Has decided that he will “get tough” on the six companies that dominate the energy market.

The Liberal Democrat minister believes that making it easier for customers to switch energy suppliers will drive down prices.

One reform intended to encourage switching is the introduction of regulations obliging companies to carry out requests to switch within three weeks, instead of the six it takes currently.

Mr Huhne will also offer customers the chance to join online “co-operatives” to bulk-buy electricity and gas from energy companies and automatically get the lowest price available.

Ministers are increasingly worried about public anger over ever-higher prices, which have meant falling standards of living for many homes. All the so-called “big six” firms — British Gas, Scottish and Southern, EDF, E.ON, Npower and Scottish Power — have increased prices in the past month, leaving households facing average bills for electricity and gas of more than £1,200 a year.

Yeah right-just like no increase in VAT and tuition fees......

Up in Rochdale

Two security firm workers have been sacked after being tricked into putting an electronic tag on a criminal's false leg.

Christopher Lowcock, 29, wrapped his prosthetic limb in a bandage and fooled workers at security services company G4S who failed to carry out the proper tests when they set up the tag and monitoring equipment at his home in Rochdale, the Rochdale Observer reported.

Lowcock could then simply remove his leg - and the tag - whenever he wanted to breach his court-imposed curfew for driving and drug offences, as well as possession of an offensive weapon.

A G4S spokeswoman said: "Failure to follow procedure is a serious disciplinary offence, and the two employees responsible for the installation of the tag have now been dismissed."

Oh well...that’s alright then.

Dahn in Wiltshire

A new bus service has been introduced in Wiltshire which, due to council cuts, is offering no return service.

The 87 bus timetable, released earlier in the month, offers three buses a day and one on Saturday from Winterslow, Wiltshire to Andover, Hampshire

But with a limited return service and buses scheduled to leave before passengers arrive, residents say the route is effectively a one-way service.

Anne Riggs from Winterslow said "it would be better not to have it at all".

She said: "We've never had it before but when we found out that there was going to be a bus service to Andover - we thought wow, good a bit of variety.

"But with the new one-way service, we can board a bus and travel to Andover but there is no provision for getting us back."

The 87 bus route operates three buses a day from Winterslow arriving in Andover at 1040, 1240 and 1440. The return service leaves Andover at 0945 and at 1145.

The service on Saturday arrives in Andover at 1850 with a return service available at 0815.

Makes you proud.....

Over to the left a lot

Dozens of Americans who claim to have been made ill by Wi-Fi and mobile phones have flocked to the town of Green Bank, West Virginia

Ms Schou is one of an estimated 5% of Americans who believe they suffer from Electromagnetic Hypersensitivity (EHS), which they say is caused by exposure to electromagnetic fields typically created by mobile phones, Wi-Fi and other electronic equipment.

Symptoms range from acute headaches, skin burning, muscle twitching and chronic pain.

Her symptoms were so severe that she abandoned her family farm in the state of Iowa and moved to Green Bank, West Virginia - a tiny village of 143 residents in the heart of the Allegheny Mountains.

I find that wrapping silver foil round my head and Man Veg works quite well, but you do tend to rustle a bit while walking round Tesco.

Dahn in Welsh Wales

A man was left dazed and wandering the streets in his singed underwear after almost blowing himself up brewing home-made vodka.

Ten neighbouring dwellings had to be evacuated after Lawrence Toms, 43, had a tinker with his distillation equipment, sparking an explosion so powerful it blew out the windows and damaged the roof of his home in southern Wales, newspaper the Daily Express reported.

Neighbours said Mr Toms, an inventor, had been making vodka after downloading a recipe from the Internet.

The crews of four fire engines battled a blaze while Mr Toms was taken to a specialist burns unit for treatment. Police have begun to investigate the explosion.

Mr Toms is believed to have made a still in a bedroom of the terrace house.

Should have used the silver foil trick....

And finally:

Designer Amelie has created a hat for every cat - and every possible occasion.

From French berets, to witches hats, Stetsons and sombreros, every chic kitty is sure to look their best.

And the cute clobber isn't just for felines; they can be worn by other four-legged fashionistas too.

Amelie, from Atlanta, US, sells the lightweight headpieces, which stay in place thanks to an elastic band, from just $14 each.

And she even gives her buyers some tips on how to dress their pets on her ToScarboroughFair website.

She says: "Don't force the cat if he or she really does not want to 'dress up'.

"Encourage and praise the kitty for good behaviour. Always be very gentle and talk in a warm, soothing voice."

 Yeah right.....

That’s it: I’m orf to change my energy supplier to Biomass.

 And today’s thought: how to combat global warming-turn the air conditioning up.

Angus

Tired of living-can’t afford to die: Up your Gas: Germany Invaded by Columbia: Criminal Veg: French Tweets: Monkey medics: and a bit more of Pippa.

‘Orrible at the Castle this morn, damp, cold, and breezy, yesterday turned out ‘Orrible as well until 6 of the pm, the bollards are still missing and his Maj has discovered a new way to come and go.

Apparently the C of E is planning to increase the cost of funerals by nearly 50 per cent to bring consistent pricing across its parishes and raise extra revenue at a time of continued economic hardship.

In a proposal set to be discussed today at the church's General Synod in York, the price of a funeral will rise from £102 to £150 while weddings will go up from £284 to £425.

Church leaders stress that the move is an attempt to streamline the way churches charge for their services by bringing in a standard fee in response complaints that parishes often had different pricing lists. But many will feel hit hard by the price increases which have been replicated elsewhere.

Last year, a survey by the National Association of Funeral Directors found that, across the country, charges by local authorities for cremation and burial had risen by up to 48 per cent since 2007. The fees charged by funeral directors for a typical funeral reached an average of £1,515, up 3.25 per cent since 2007.

I wish; it cost me over £3,000 back in 2005 for “M”s do.

And that gracious, caring company British Gas has decided to hike the cost of gas by 18pc next month, some customers face a 24 per cent rise in their gas costs, depending on where they live and how they are charged. An additional 16 per cent average rise in electricity bills will add £190 to the typical yearly dual fuel bill.

British Gas warned customers there may be little point in attempting to change supplier as the move looks set to be repeated throughout the industry, due to wholesale prices having risen by almost a third since the winter.

This latest rise, which comes on top of a 7 per cent increase in December, was announced only two days after a study by uSwitch.com showed that 6.3 million households in the UK are classed as being in fuel poverty, for spending at least 10 per cent of their income on energy bills.

Consumer Focus condemned the rise, saying that consumer bills were now at a historical high despite wholesale prices still being a third lower than the peak they hit in 2008.  

So who is telling porkies?

 Right a smidge to the land of leather trousers and invasions

Experts in the western German town of Bexbach are still searching a supermarket for a spider that jumped out of a Colombian fruit crate on Friday. The eight-legged escape artist is thought to be a highly venomous banana spider.

A spokesman for the grocery store told German news agency DAPD that the supermarket remained closed to ensure customer safety.

He said experts were "frantically" working to track down the creature, though there had still been no trace of it.

Staff from the zoo in Neunkirchen are at the scene, and zoo director Norbert Fritsch said the risk is not to be underestimated if the arachnid in question was, indeed, a banana spider.

He said the spider's bites can be life-threatening, even for a healthy adult. Banana spiders can grow to be 13 centimetres in size. The term refers to two genera of spiders, one of which is large but relatively harmless, and another highly venomous species.

 Still, you could use a rolled up copy of the defunct NOTW for defence if you go shopping there.

 Over to the very ex-colonies

After a warning, a ticket and now a misdemeanour charge, an Oak Park, Mich., woman faces up to 93 days in jail for refusing to remove a vegetable crop from her front lawn.

Julie Bass says that she thought it would be "really cool" for the neighbours and kids to see a front yard garden, but some community members don't appreciate the vegetable plot.

According to a local ABC affiliate, city code states that "all unpaved portions of the site shall be planted with grass or ground cover or shrubbery or other suitable live plant material."

Posing the question: Are cabbages, peppers, tomatoes and cucumbers "suitable" for the front lawn?

"If you look at the definition of what suitable is in Webster's dictionary, it will say common. So, if you look around and you look in any other community, what's common to a front yard is a nice, grass yard with beautiful trees and bushes and flowers," Oak Park City Planner Kevin Rulkowski told MyFoxDetroit.

Nevertheless, Bass has refused to comply with the city's requests to remove the plants or place them in her backyard.

"It's definitely live. It's definitely plant. It's definitely material. We think it's suitable," Bass said.

Surprised they recognised them as vegetables..........(Clarkson would be proud of me).

 

Across to the bottom bit of Carolina

A University of South Carolina professor who encourages her students to use Twitter in French class will be getting honorary knighthood from the French government.

University spokeswoman Peggy Binette says associate professor Lara Anderson has been awarded the Order of Academic Palms for advancing the French language.

The honour was established by Napoleon Bonaparte. Binette says the award and medallion will be presented by the French consul this fall.

Anderson is the author of a book about using social networking and online study to advance foreign language instruction and has promoted new technologies for foreign language teaching techniques.

Anderson says the use of Twitter in the classroom allows students to develop conversation skills and build a sense of communal language learning in and out of the classroom.  

Yeah right, and it saves all that teaching rubbish...

 Right a huge amount of imperial units

Patients at an Indian hospital have been receiving some surprise visitors after monkeys learned how to operate its automatic doors.

Local rhesus macaque monkeys soon worked out how to use the motion-censor doors and have since been running amok in the wards, kitchens and corridors.

They have terrorised patients in the neurosurgery department and recovery rooms, stealing food, playing with medical equipment, attacking staff and generally causing chaos.

With an average of one monkey bite case in the hospital every week, authorities have taken steps to scare off the macaques.

They have hired two larger monkeys - grey langurs – to chase them away.

 Sounds like the “security” at my local butchers shop.

 And finally:

Just to wind up James

Pippa Middleton, the Duchess of Cambridge’s sports-loving sister, has joined her local golf club in Berkshire.

In recent weeks, she has been photographed running in a triathlon, taking part in the Highland Cross Challenge and cheering Andy Murray to victory in the quarter finals at Wimbledon. Now, the Duchess of Cambridge’s sister is to add another sport to her CV: golf.

Pippa, 27, who is courting the former England cricketer Alex Loudon, has joined the golf club at Bradfield College, a boarding school a few miles away from the Middleton family’s home in Berkshire.

“It’s the talk of the club,” gushes one member, somewhat breathlessly. A member of staff at Bradfield College Golf Club confirms that the Middletons have been spotted on the greens. However, Nick Barton, the club secretary, declines to celebrate his glamorous recruit.

 Is that a hole in one?

That’s it: I’m orf to decode a Potato

And today’s thought: Does killing time damage eternity? 

Angus

Effingham terrorists: Pound plummets: Snip of a motor: Orf to the Bush: Banana car: A football team I would watch: and some funny Pussy pics.

Cloudy, calm and a tad chilly at the Castle this morn, I spent the early bit of yesterday digging out the California Lilac stump, got frustrated and kicked it several times, done my right hip in, and spent the aftermorn laying on the sun lounger eating strawberries and watching that great Blighty spectacle of the last Brit to leave Womble land a loser. 

I see that Dahn in Surrey

Residents have spoken of their shock after being told that their villages have been identified as potential “high-risk launch sites” for extremists wanting to fire rockets at planes taking off and landing at Heathrow.

Officers from the Metropolitan Police’s specialist aviation security team have been touring village halls with a surface-to-air rocket launcher and video footage of a missile hitting a plane in Iraq. Similar briefings have been held near other airports around the country.

James Nicholls, an Effingham resident who was invited to a briefing at Ockham village hall last month, said: “It was extraordinary, I couldn’t believe it.

“We were asked to look for people burying things in the ground; we were shown all the components of this heat-seeking shoulder-launched missile. They told us they had been as far as Windsor and Sunningdale surveying and looking at potential sites.” 

No wonder you can’t find an Effing copper when you need one....

And according to the Express

Holiday makers heading to Europe face rocketing costs this summer after the value of the pound plummeted to a 20-month low yesterday.

Sterling hit its lowest point against the euro since October 2009 and is now worth around 10 per cent less than 12 months ago.

Families flying from UK airports are now getting less than one euro for their pound. Among the worst tourist rates yesterday were 96 cents to the pound at Birmingham Airport and 1.001 at Luton Airport.

Analysis of six popular items by the Post Office shows the average cost of holiday goods – including such things as a cup of coffee, a three-course evening meal and insect repellent – have all risen even in the cheapest resorts.

In Spain they cost 11 per cent more than a year ago.

In Cyprus they are 21 per cent up, and in Italy they have risen 18 per cent.

 I’m going to Ourgate again this year.....

Left a fair bit to the land of many people and massive UK aid

Health officials in the Indian state of Rajasthan are launching a new campaign to try to reduce the high population growth in the area.

They are encouraging men and women to volunteer for sterilisation, and in return are offering a car and other prizes for those who come forward.

Among the rewards on offer is the Indian-made Tata Nano - the world's cheapest car.

Many in the government are worried about the size of India's population.

It is expected to overtake that of China by 2030.

A motor for a kid; sounds like a good deal to me....

 Dahn Unda

Sydney residents have been offered money to leave the city and resettle in rural New South Wales.

It is hoped the plan will boost rural areas recovering from a decade-long drought, as well as easing crowding in Australia's most populous city.

The A$7,000 (£4,700; $7,500) grants are to help people buy homes in the country. 

I can see the attraction......

 Over in the land of fruit and Veg

A Pennsylvania man cruised into Flint, Mich., this week in his giant, motorized banana and parked it on the bricks of Saginaw Street.

Some looked confused. Many snapped pictures.

Banana car owner Steve Braithwaite tells The Flint Journal he had no idea how much he was going to enjoy people laughing and smiling at him.

The Coopersburg, Pa., resident with Flint ties brought the former pickup truck back through the area, more than two years after buying the original vehicle from a junkyard in Genesee County's Argentine Township.

Braithwaite decided one day he wanted to turn a Ford F-150 into a banana and travel the world in it.

 Whatever butters your Parsnips.....

Right more than a few miles

A cash-strapped woman's football team is hoping to draw the crowds - by playing their next game in bikinis.

Members of the FC Rossiyanka team, from Krasnoarmeysk near Moscow, have already done a pre-publicity shoot to promote the event.

Coach Tatyana Egorova said: "We are the best woman's team in Russia and have won many championships, even representing our country in the UEFA Champions League.

"But few people have ever heard of us and we don't get many people coming to games so we've decided to give our profile a boost by appearing in bikinis.

"We hope it will also improve the numbers of tickets we sell. We think it's a good idea - our players are beautiful, great athletes and determined to win." 

I would go and see them-but have you seen the exchange rate?

And finally:

As I lay here on the sofa unable to move.

Some Pussy pictures

That’s it: I’m not orf to find some Horse Chestnut miners

And today’s thought: “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”-William Connelly

Angus