Sexy flossing: Big wombat: Grassroots loonies: Rewarding the “non performers”: A story with a moral: Pissed orf in Paignton: Chilean rats: and Attenborough’s head.

An “interesting” start to the day at the Castle this morn, after yesterday’s downpours it is sunny, damp, warm and very muggy, the study is still overflowing with non computers, the hip is still making me hop and his Maj has brought me a “present”

Not really, it is a toy I purchased for him and he carries it everywhere.

I see that Women who want the best chance of having a baby should make sure they floss their teeth regularly, say doctors.

According to the “experts” poor oral health is as bad for fertility as obesity - delaying conception by about two months.

Odd that, I always thought sex was the best way.....

And Dahn Unda

Scientists have found the skeleton of a "giant wombat" which lived some two million years ago.

The plant-eating marsupial would have been the size of a four-wheel drive car and weighed three tonnes, experts say.

Its bones were found on a farm in north-eastern Australia's Queensland state.

The find is one of Australia's most significant pre-historic discoveries ever because the skeleton is complete, experts say.

It is the first time a complete skeleton of a Diprotodon optatum has been uncovered. 

You wouldn’t want that taking a dump in the flower beds.....

Up in La-La land (otherwise known as Conservative headquarters).

Allegedly Boris Johnson is the favourite among Conservative grassroots activists to succeed David Cameron as party leader, a survey has found.

The Mayor of London, who will seek a second term next May, is favoured by 57 per cent and the Chancellor George Osborne was preferred by 43 per cent.

Tim Montgomerie, editor of the ConservativeHome website which carried out the poll, said: "Boris has recently been putting lots of clear blue water between him and the Cameron Government and the Tory grassroots clearly like what they see."

Mr Osborne is viewed as the most impressive Cabinet performer, followed by the Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith; the Education Secretary, Michael Gove; the Foreign Secretary, William Hague, and the Home Secretary, Theresa May.

He, he, he, LOL!!!

It has been said

That a civil servant “who wasn’t performing” was given a £100,000 pay off, according to Cabinet Office Minister Francis Maude.

In a speech to hundreds of civil servants, Mr Maude criticised the “madness” of rewarding poor performance in Whitehall and said it had to stop.

He also disclosed that he was planning to force tens of thousands of civil servants to move out of Whitehall in central London to save money.

Mr Maude told civil servants at the Civil Service Live exhibition in central London: “I was told the other day that HM Government has paid more than £100,000 to get rid of someone who wasn’t performing. This is madness. 

You think?

Over to the land of organ donors

New York State’s helmet law crashed, struck his head on the roadway and died from his injuries, state police said on Sunday.

Philip Contos, 55, was riding among a large group of motorcyclists staging an organized protest ride in western New York near Syracuse against the state law requiring all motorcyclists to wear helmets.

The Parish, New York, resident crashed on Saturday on Route 11 in Onondaga, New York, and was pronounced dead later at a local hospital, state Trooper Robert Jureller said.

"The doctor felt that the death could have been prevented if he simply had been wearing a helmet," Jureller said. "He hit the brakes, lost control, was ejected and struck his head on the road. He suffered a skull fracture."

 And the moral is........

Dahn in Devon

A knife-wielding robber fled a Devon shop empty-handed after the 68-year-old owner told him to "use the knife or p*** off".

Brian Hammond was confronted by the hood-wearing man with a six-inch knife who demanded all the money from the till.

But the robber got more than he bargained for when the feisty owner picked up a screwdriver and faced him down, reports The Mirror.

Mr Hammond, who has run the newsagents in Paignton, Devon, for 15 years, said he was not prepared to meekly hand over his hard-earned money.

"I came out of the store room and he was standing there with the knife. He demanded money from the till. I thought he was joking until he came around behind me and I knew he was serious," Mr Hammond said today.

"I picked up the screwdriver, which was on the counter and told him 'either use your knife or piss off'. To my surprise, he did."

Two years ago he chased two thieves out of the store and into the street after they targeted his shop.

He said the police had warned him on that occasion that he risked facing assault charges if he had caught them.

 One up for us.

Left to the cold place in South America

A restaurant in Chile has is serving fried rat with potatoes as one of its main courses.

It is a traditional dish in parts of neighbouring Peru but has shocked diners in Santiago, says Las Ultimas Noticias.

Marco Barandarian, the Peruvian chef of the Barandarian restaurant, said: "Here people get all disgusted and ask how we can serve such dish but we have eaten them forever in Peru."

Mr Barandarian added: "The meat is red and tastes much better than rabbit. It is like pork and we serve the whole rat, head included."

 Yum, yum, don’t tell his Maj.....

 And finally:

Up in the Smoke

The mystery of one of London's most gruesome murders has finally been solved after a coroner today ruled that a skull discovered in David Attenborough's garden was that of Julia Martha Thomas.

The discovery was made in October last year when the Planet Earth star was excavating an old pub in the garden of his Richmond home - less than 100 yards from where Mrs Thomas was murdered, chopped up and boiled by her housekeeper.

Callous Kate Webster pushed her twice-widowed employer down the stairs, strangled her and chopped her body up and boiled it and giving the dripping to local kids to eat.

Days after the slaying a box was found in the Thames by a coal man containing a 'mass of white flesh' and Mrs Thomas' foot was found on an allotment in Richmond while Webster stole the identity of her employer and even her false teeth.

But it is not until now, more than a century after the murder in 1879 and Wesbster's hanging that the head of the strict Presbyterian will finally be given a proper burial.

Bet Richard is a bit envious.

 That’s it: I’m orf to stock up on fat teenagers. 

And today’s thought: The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Angus

Her Maj is in need: The Middle is in need: Smurf snatchers: Clarkson’s a bit dim: Well, fruck a Duck: and noisy wind.

Calm, warmish, sunny and dry at the Castle this morn, the study is bursting at the seams with broken tormentors, his Maj is galloping around the garden and some Pilchard has knocked over two bollards at the entrance with a 4 by 4.

Microsoft word seems to be behaving-so far; the hip thing turns out to be a pulled Tensor fasciae latae, and the moat is full of blue green algae.

I see that the MOD has managed to lose £6.3 billion’s worth of “assets” including £184m worth of Bowman battlefield radios.

The MoD's director general of finance, Jon Thompson, told the committee it could be some years before the problem was resolved because of the scale of the MoD's "845,000 lines of stock, spread across 78 IT systems, covering anywhere in the world we currently have bases".

The report notes that the findings did not mean that the equipment did not exist or was not "being used usefully somewhere" - as it could be difficult keeping track of assets being used in war zones.

Right, so it isn’t lost, they just don’t know where it all is.....

And: Allegedly a drug used by smokers to help them quit increases the risk of heart attacks and other serious cardiovascular problems, research says.

An international team reviewed studies involving more than 8,000 smokers, and found more of those taking Champix fell ill than those on dummy drugs.

The review, in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, suggests smokers should not use the drug to stop.

But makers Pfizer say it is an "important option" to help people quit.

And heart expert’s stress smoking itself is a major heart disease risk factor.

You just can’t win.....

 Her Maj is not a happy ruler

The Queen has asked the government for more money to deal with a growing backlog of repairs to Buckingham Palace and other royal residences, newly published accounts reveal.

The monarch currently receives £11.9 million a year from the public purse to maintain and repair her homes which include Windsor Castle and St James's Palace.

But because of a pay freeze she can only carry out emergency repairs to the buildings and says she will need more money to stop the royal households from falling into disrepair.

The current budget means that while a £3.5 million repair to the crumbling facade of Buckingham Palace had gone ahead, other key projects had been forced to be put on hold.

These included replacing lead and slate roofs, refurbishing state rooms and overhauling antiquated heating systems.  

Oh dear what a shame, wonder if the Gov would pay for repairs to the Castle?

Apparently half a million families are being forced to earn 24 per cent more than last year just to maintain the same minimum standard of living, according to a report by a leading welfare charity.

While the average worker needs to earn about 5 per cent more to keep up with the rising cost of living, some Britons are hit considerably harder.

Not only have utility bills, food costs and petrol prices risen considerably over the last year, but some families' incomes have been severely dented by cuts to their benefits and tax credits.

The Joseph Rowntree Foundation has calculated that families, where both couples work, with two young children will have to find 24 per cent more income this year compared with last year just to maintain a "minimum standard of living".  

All together now-“We are all in this together”.

 Right a bit to the land of chocolate and err chocolate

A 13-year-old Belgian boy and his mother who made off with armfuls of toy Smurfs have been nabbed with the haul of small blue heroes dreamt up by a Belgian comic-book author, police said Monday.

Staged weeks ahead of the worldwide release of the much-awaited Hollywood movie on Peyo's Smurfs, the heist took place Friday in a supermarket outside Ghent.

As the mother stood watch, the teenager stuffed bundles of Smurf toys into his clothes before the two left the store. But they were quickly identified thanks to surveillance cameras and confessed, police said.

The heist ran up to almost 600 Euros ($871).

Blue Numptys.

Clarkson has inserted his size twelve’s into his facial orifice-again

Racism claims have erupted once again after Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson attempted to be funny in his Saturday newspaper column.

Clarkson said the energy-saving mode on his new television makes the screen so dim that every program looks "like it is being presented by Lenny Henry in a cave".

"Korean car firm Hyundai complained about Clarkson's 'bigoted and racist' claim that their staff had 'eaten a dog'. He also caused offence with mock Nazi salutes talking about German design of a new Mini.

"Clarkson has apologised to the Mexican ambassador for calling his countrymen 'lazy'."

According to reports, Clarkson has a track record of saying people he offends lack a sense of humour.

Race campaigner Lee Jasper told People: "It starts off with Clarkson making stupid racist comments and it ends up as playground taunts and racist slurs on the street.

 Why am I not surprised.....

East many, many things

A Chinese man who bought a duck at an agricultural market demanded a refund - when he noticed it had three legs.

The customer initially walked off, seemingly happy with his purchase but returned an hour later.

Trader Chen Xiantong, who runs a chicken and duck shop in the market at Nan'an, Fujian Province, said he immediately agreed to give the man his money back.

"He said the duck was too weird with its extra leg, and he feared it may be harmful to health," said Chen.

"I now keep the duck in the shop and people come in just to see it so it has actually been good for my business."

And the lucky Duck....

And finally:

Back in Blighty

A couple who say they were driven out of their family farm by the "nightmare" hum of wind turbines have mounted a ground-breaking £2.5 million compensation bid in London's High Court.

Jane and Julian Davis, moved out of Grays Farm, Deeping St Nicholas, near Spalding, Lincs, four years ago because of the strain of living with the incessant noise.

And now they are taking on a local windfarm and other defendants in a pioneering case which will test the law on whether the sound created by the turbines amounts to a noise nuisance.

They think that is noisy, I had beans on toast last night.......

 That’s it: I’m orf to have a frack.

 And today’s thought: Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Angus

I really, really, really hate Microsoft#1,000,999: Toxic pay: Non to the EU: Dumping Tortoise: Cruel and unusual Porn: and do you know your bobowler from a bishybarnabee?

I started this post at 6.30 of the am, it is now 8.30 of the am, office word decided to go tits up at 6.45am and froze, I had to use program manager to close it down and lost most of the work.

Then I had to run the “repair” thingy to fix it which took half an hour and here I am back at square 1.5.

Apparently it is the last day of summer at the Castle this morn-according to “them”, but at the moment it is sunny, calm, dry and more than a tad tepid.

The hip is still “hippy”, the garden is looking good, his Maj is asleep and I have already been to Tesco for stale bread, gruel and pussy food.

Over in the ex colonies it is Independence Day, let’s hope that the reptilian aliens in disguise keep away.

Dahn in Goodwood

A Bugatti racing car bought for £60 in 1950 has been sold at auction for £430,000.

The 1924 type 35 Bugatti was found by Jack Perkins, from Rugby, Warwickshire, at a Nottinghamshire aerodrome and restored to racing condition.

The car raced at Indianapolis 500 in 1936 and the American National Championship races in 1938.

The vintage car was sold at Bonhams' annual auction at Goodwood Festival of Speed in West Sussex.

That’s inflation for you-wonder what the Honda will be worth in 2099?

Lord Patten, the chairman of the BBC Trust, indicated that the taxpayer-funded broadcaster should set an example to fellow public bodies by showing restraint in the salaries it pays out to senior managers.

The BBC employs 110 individuals who earn more than the Prime Minister's salary of £142,500, and 38 members of staff earning more than £200,000 a year – about eight times higher than the average salary of workers in Britain.

These figures exclude so-called "talent", such as news readers and entertainers.

Mark Thompson, the director general of the BBC, was paid £838,000 in the year to the end of March 2010. The latest accounts are expected it to show his pay packet fell to £675,000, after he decided to scrap pension top up payments for the corporation's most senior executives.

Better late than never......

Apparently the Treasury has dismissed an offer from European Commission president Jose Manuel Barroso to give Britain a lump sum of £23 billion in return for giving up its annual EU budget rebate.

Mr Barroso said the Commission wants to go back to the ''original principles'' of the deal negotiated by Margaret Thatcher in 1984, which states that any country making a contribution which is out of proportion to its wealth should benefit from a ''correction'' when the budget is set.

With the next EU budget due to cover the years 2014-20, this could mean Prime Minister David Cameron receiving a massive cheque a year before the general election scheduled for 2015, when Conservatives are thought to be planning tax cuts to create a feel good mood among voters.

That’ll piss of U-Turn Cam.....

Over in Independence land

Thieves stole a 70-pound tortoise from a Chicago-area pet store, authorities say.

Spur, a 30-year-old female Sulcata tortoise, was stolen from The Animal Store, an exotic pet store in Lincolnwood, Ill., about 3:30 a.m. Saturday, the Chicago Tribune reported. Ken Bearman, owner of the store, suspects that the perpetrators may be getting more than they bargained for.

"The first time it takes a dump in your bedroom, you're going to be sorry," he said, explaining that to the right buyer, Spur could sell for $1,500, but the care and cleanup before selling her would not be worth it.

Hope they have a Vax...

Still in the land of almost freedom

A Michigan jail inmate says he's being subjected to cruel and unusual punishment because he can't have pornography.

In a handwritten lawsuit, 21-year-old Kyle Richards claims his civil rights are being violated at the Macomb County Jail. Richards says denying his request for erotic material subjects him to a "poor standard of living" and "sexual and sensory deprivation."

The Michigan Department of Corrections tells The Detroit News that prisons allow some pornographic material, though it's banned at the jail. The American Civil Liberties Union says prisons have a lot of leeway.

Richards was charged with bank robbery after police followed a trail of snowy footprints and dropped money to his apartment from a bank robbery scene in January in Fraser, north of Detroit.

Don’t rob a bank then you don’t have to wank.....

And finally:

Linguists at the British Library have assembled a list of thousands of rare words and phrases from regional dialects in order to preserve them - and make them available far beyond their native area.

Around 4,000 locally-used words and phrases have been contributed to the "wordbank" by members of the public who visited the library, in central London, or attended a series of events at provincial libraries, at which they were asked to provide phrases that are particular to their region.

The database has been compiled as one of a series of projects connected to the British Library's "Evolving English" exhibition.

Linguists are now studying them to investigate their etymology – how they came into use and the relationships they may have with other words.

Once completed, the wordbank will be available for use by language academics, as well as actors wanting to perfect regional roles and even foreign call centre workers looking to understand local British dialects.

And a bobowler is- a Birmingham and Black Country term for a large moth.

A bishybarnabee is- a Norfolk term for a ladybird.

A tittermatorter is- a see-saw, in Norfolk.

And tranklements are- a Black Country expression meaning ornaments.

Here are a few more for your delectation:

baffies - slippers (east coast of Scotland)

brash - to cut branches off trees after felling (South Wales)

brozzen - full (having eaten too much) (Swaledale)

coopers ducks - the end is nigh, it’s all over (Black Country)

deff - to ignore, split up, pack in, avoid (Birmingham)

dimpsy - half light, just turning dark (Somerset)

dodderman - snail (Norfolk / Suffolk)

dreckly - later, some time, 'manana’ (Cornwall)

gambol - forward roll (Birmingham)

ginnel - alleyway (West Riding)

gopping - unattractive (Manchester)

guddle - to rummage about (Northumberland and parts of Scotland)

gurtlush - the best (Bristol)

gully stottie - bread knife (Ashington, Northumberland)

kets - sweets (Darlington)

ladgin - something embarrassing or unpleasant (York)

man de don’t know what the buer is rockerin - I don’t know what the woman is on about, using “bewer” for “woman” and “rocker” - “to speak or understand” (Newark)

nesh - a bit weedy, being cold when you shouldn’t be (Nottingham)

on the box - off sick from work (Black Country)

on the huh - not quite straight (Norfolk)

pitch - snow that sticks to the ground (West Country)

spoggy - chewing gum (Grimsby)

ronking - smelly, disgusting (Black Country)

tiss up - forward roll (Leicester)

twag - to play truant (East Riding)

twitchell - alleyway (Nottingham)

while - till, until (Yorkshire)

I think my favourite is Dimpsy...

That’s it: I’m orf to check the moat for rare earths.

And today’s thought: Humour is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Angus (9.10am)

I’m fed up and some media musings

Weather-stonking at the Castle this morn, the garden is looking very garden-ish, his Maj is tearing around as if his life depended upon it and I am still nursing my damaged Iliofemoral joint. 

I watched the “ladies” final at Wombleland yesterday but had to mute the sound because of Sharascreamers decibel level, and will watch the “Gentlemen’s” final today, why? Because I am paying £12.49 a month to the Beeb and I want my monies worth. 

So as I lay here on the sofa; what is left of my mind has turned to my standard of living, my prospects and my retirement.

And I am fed up.

Fed up with some ginger haired schoolboy Muppet telling me when I can finally give up the toil and have a bit of a rest.

Fed up with that fat bastard Eric (if it moves eat it) Pickles going on and on about rubbish, when the answer is to send it all round to his house and he will devour it as a snack.

Fed up with having to pay a King’s ransom every time I put a pint of petrol in the Honda: sounds very fishy to me.

Fed up with the fifty percent increase in my car insurance policy cost, so that I can fund those knob heads who have bruised a finger in an “accident” and demand £20,000 in compo, using the “personal injury” blood sucking lawyers, and those morons who think it is OK to drive a two ton weapon around our streets without insurance because they don’t have the IQ of a cabbage. 

Fed up with the Piss Poor Policies Millionaires Club Coalition making Piss Poor Policies-U-Turning, then coming up with yet more Piss Poor Policies so that they can spin around again.

Really fed up with the bunch of Eton shirt lifting know nothings who haven’t been elected and seem to think that the only way to reduce the “deficit” is to hammer the have not’s apart from son of a B...aronet George (reptilian alien in disguise) Osborne who apparently is regarded by the un elected tossers as an “OIK” because he only went to St Pauls (at the cost of £20,000 per year).

And finally:

Fed up with being told that because I haven’t died yet I will be a considerable drain on Blighty when I become incontinent and incapable of having a life in a couple of months time.

Leave me alone, I am alright, I still manage to write (sort of), can still read (unlike a large percentage of the young), I can even manage to wash and dress myself, feed myself, drive a car and even do shopping without the need for seventy five “carers” employed at a vast cost to the tax payer, and I have been known to go out and enjoy myself occasionally.

So a message to “them” who seem to think that getting on a bit is comparable to being a mass murderer who steals the food from children’s mouths-FUCK OFF!

And finally, finally:

 A couple of media musings.

 Over in the land of whatever they do in Finland

A Finnish pair has won the country's annual wife-carrying competition for the third year in a row.

Taisto Miettinen and Kristiina Haapanen defended their title in front of 6,500 spectators who turned out to watch the celebrated event in Sonkajarvi.

The 46-year-old lawyer, his partner's legs wrapped around his head, sprinted 253 metres, leaping hurdles and negotiating a water pool along the way, all in a time of one minute.

Less than a second behind them were Estonian rivals Alar Voogla and Kristi Viltrop, while a Lithuanian couple came third. 

Cheaper than a taking her out for a meal I suppose.

 And over the sea to the left

Bicyclists in eastern Oregon say they're getting whacked on the head by an angry bird.

Riders in Pendleton, Ore., told the East Oregonian that a male hawk is dive-bombing them because they're too close to a nest he's guarding in an old cottonwood tree.

Bicyclist Mack Temple says the bird came in from behind like a fighter plane and whacked his helmet. Another rider, Charlie Newhouse, says the attack on his helmet was "like getting hit with a baseball bat." He says the talons went in through the helmet.

Bird-watchers say the large bird is a Swainson's hawk. The riders say he's been vigilant for a few nesting seasons, but hasn't been as aggressive as this year.

Bird-watchers say the hawk will ease up once his brood learns to fly.

I have no problem with that....

 That’s it: I’m orf to draw a circuit board

And today’s thought: "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves."-Confucius.

 Angus

Effingham terrorists: Pound plummets: Snip of a motor: Orf to the Bush: Banana car: A football team I would watch: and some funny Pussy pics.

Cloudy, calm and a tad chilly at the Castle this morn, I spent the early bit of yesterday digging out the California Lilac stump, got frustrated and kicked it several times, done my right hip in, and spent the aftermorn laying on the sun lounger eating strawberries and watching that great Blighty spectacle of the last Brit to leave Womble land a loser. 

I see that Dahn in Surrey

Residents have spoken of their shock after being told that their villages have been identified as potential “high-risk launch sites” for extremists wanting to fire rockets at planes taking off and landing at Heathrow.

Officers from the Metropolitan Police’s specialist aviation security team have been touring village halls with a surface-to-air rocket launcher and video footage of a missile hitting a plane in Iraq. Similar briefings have been held near other airports around the country.

James Nicholls, an Effingham resident who was invited to a briefing at Ockham village hall last month, said: “It was extraordinary, I couldn’t believe it.

“We were asked to look for people burying things in the ground; we were shown all the components of this heat-seeking shoulder-launched missile. They told us they had been as far as Windsor and Sunningdale surveying and looking at potential sites.” 

No wonder you can’t find an Effing copper when you need one....

And according to the Express

Holiday makers heading to Europe face rocketing costs this summer after the value of the pound plummeted to a 20-month low yesterday.

Sterling hit its lowest point against the euro since October 2009 and is now worth around 10 per cent less than 12 months ago.

Families flying from UK airports are now getting less than one euro for their pound. Among the worst tourist rates yesterday were 96 cents to the pound at Birmingham Airport and 1.001 at Luton Airport.

Analysis of six popular items by the Post Office shows the average cost of holiday goods – including such things as a cup of coffee, a three-course evening meal and insect repellent – have all risen even in the cheapest resorts.

In Spain they cost 11 per cent more than a year ago.

In Cyprus they are 21 per cent up, and in Italy they have risen 18 per cent.

 I’m going to Ourgate again this year.....

Left a fair bit to the land of many people and massive UK aid

Health officials in the Indian state of Rajasthan are launching a new campaign to try to reduce the high population growth in the area.

They are encouraging men and women to volunteer for sterilisation, and in return are offering a car and other prizes for those who come forward.

Among the rewards on offer is the Indian-made Tata Nano - the world's cheapest car.

Many in the government are worried about the size of India's population.

It is expected to overtake that of China by 2030.

A motor for a kid; sounds like a good deal to me....

 Dahn Unda

Sydney residents have been offered money to leave the city and resettle in rural New South Wales.

It is hoped the plan will boost rural areas recovering from a decade-long drought, as well as easing crowding in Australia's most populous city.

The A$7,000 (£4,700; $7,500) grants are to help people buy homes in the country. 

I can see the attraction......

 Over in the land of fruit and Veg

A Pennsylvania man cruised into Flint, Mich., this week in his giant, motorized banana and parked it on the bricks of Saginaw Street.

Some looked confused. Many snapped pictures.

Banana car owner Steve Braithwaite tells The Flint Journal he had no idea how much he was going to enjoy people laughing and smiling at him.

The Coopersburg, Pa., resident with Flint ties brought the former pickup truck back through the area, more than two years after buying the original vehicle from a junkyard in Genesee County's Argentine Township.

Braithwaite decided one day he wanted to turn a Ford F-150 into a banana and travel the world in it.

 Whatever butters your Parsnips.....

Right more than a few miles

A cash-strapped woman's football team is hoping to draw the crowds - by playing their next game in bikinis.

Members of the FC Rossiyanka team, from Krasnoarmeysk near Moscow, have already done a pre-publicity shoot to promote the event.

Coach Tatyana Egorova said: "We are the best woman's team in Russia and have won many championships, even representing our country in the UEFA Champions League.

"But few people have ever heard of us and we don't get many people coming to games so we've decided to give our profile a boost by appearing in bikinis.

"We hope it will also improve the numbers of tickets we sell. We think it's a good idea - our players are beautiful, great athletes and determined to win." 

I would go and see them-but have you seen the exchange rate?

And finally:

As I lay here on the sofa unable to move.

Some Pussy pictures

That’s it: I’m not orf to find some Horse Chestnut miners

And today’s thought: “My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”-William Connelly

Angus

Jobs for Brits: Reserving the army: Her Maj and Tesco: New baby boom: Flying water: Payday killer: Meteorite razor: and Jellyfish nuke power station.

‘Tis a lovely start at the Castle this morn, sunny, calm, dry and warmish, the study is empty of all broken/fixed Dells, Acers, HPs and the occasional Mac, the garden is ready to be admired by myself and his Maj, the strawberries are ready to pick, the Honda has been washed and hoovered, my weekend has started.

And as we stagger into the second half of 2011.

I see that Irritable Bowel Smith is on a jaunt to Spain and will apparently tell the Spanish Foundation for Analysis and Social Studies in Madrid that UK businesses should recruit more unemployed young Britons rather than relying on labour from abroad, the work and pensions secretary is to say.

Official figures suggest almost 90% of the 400,000 jobs created in the UK in the past year went to foreign workers.

IBS will add “that the government is determined to create an immigration system "that gives the unemployed a level playing field". 

Ho-fucking-ho.

And U-Turn Cam is considering using reservists to deal with instances such as civil emergencies.

The review, carried out by the deputy head of the armed forces, General Sir Nick Houghton, was commissioned at the time of last year's Strategic Defence and Security Review (SDSR).

He was asked to look at the future role and structure of the Territorial Army and their Royal Navy and RAF equivalents.

As part of the SDSR, the government announced that 7,000 soldiers, 5,000 navy personnel and 5,000 RAF personnel would lose their jobs by 2015.

Part-time troops currently make up 17% of armed forces numbers, but the review is expected to recommend a significant increase in that proportion. 

Methinks I see another U-Turn coming....

Her Maj is to receive a recession-proof financial deal that guarantees it an annual income of around £35m in future years.

Under a shake-up of the royal finances announced by Chancellor George Osborne, the amount paid to the Queen is expected to fall in real terms by 9 per cent by 2015.

The moves were condemned by a Tory MP as risking leaving the monarchy looking like "something to be bought in Tesco". 

Oh dear....looks like she will end up shopping there.

Apparently the UK population is growing at its fastest rate for half a century driven by immigration and an imminent new baby boom.

Almost half a million people were added to the UK population last year – the highest level since 1962 and the start of the last baby boom, figures revealed yesterday.

New migrants accounted for almost half the increase while the number of births hit a 20 year high.

However, the increase in children was also partly down to a rise in migrant mothers meaning immigration had both a direct and indirect impact on population growth, according to the Office for National Statistics (ONS)

The trend means enough people to fill the city of Manchester were added to the country last year and, if it that rate continues, the population will hit the 70 million mark by 2026.

That’ll give Thatcher’s generation something to whinge on about in twenty or so years.

Somewhere over the rainbow

A new invention uses a powerful pump to blast users up to 28ft above a sea or lake wearing a contraption that looks similar to the one sported by Sean Connery in Thunderball.

"We decided at the outset that jet packs are not practical for commuting and should primarily designed for recreation," Jetpack Adventures, the company responsible, explains on its website.

"Intuitive flight controls, inherent stability, and an effective training system means that most student pilots can learn to fly solo within a few minutes of in-water instruction."

A 200-horsepower engine in a 10ft-long 'boat' similar to a jet ski pumps water to the pack through a flexible hose tether.

The Jetlev R200 delivers 500lb-ft thrust of high-volume, low-pressure water to directional nozzles on the pack that weighs 30lbs.

'Fly-by-wire' flight controls allow individuals to take off, make soft turns, hover and land.

The jet pack's engine has a 100-litre fuel tank which lets the user cruise for three hours or blast at full throttle for two hours.

The zany contraption can be rented for $250 (£156) for a half-hour 'flight' or for adrenaline-junkies flush with funds it can bought outright for $99,500 (£62,700). 

That’ll make your eyes water.

According to the Journal of Public Economics mortality rates significantly increased during the week after payday, the three causes of death with the largest increases were substance abuse, external causes (all kinds of accidents) and heart attacks. 

Probably when they see the amount of tax they have paid.

 Somewhere in La-La land

A shaving razor made from meteorite metal and sapphire blades has gone on sale - for more than £60,000.

The $100,000 Zafirro Iridium features solid white sapphire blades which the company claims will "last forever".

They are sharpened using high-energy, ionized particles to create an edge less than 100 atoms in width, 5,000 times smaller than the width of a hair.

While the handle is made primarily from iridium, one of the rarest and strongest metals in existence.

Apart from the extended life, the blades offer additional advantages over conventional steel blades; they are hypoallergenic, impervious to oxidation and corrosion, and very sharp.

Iridium, derived almost exclusively from meteorites, is 10 times more rare than platinum. It is primarily used by the aerospace industry for components such as rocket engines where durability is critical.

It is so rare that the company will produce only 99 of the Iridium line.

Think I’ll stick to my plastic disposables.

And finally:

 North of the border

Both reactors at a nuclear power station have been shut down after "high volumes" of jellyfish were found on seawater filter screens.

The units at Torness power station, on the coast near Dunbar in East Lothian, were closed down manually on Tuesday.

EDF Energy, which operates the plant, said the reactors were shut down as a precautionary measure and there was no danger to the public at any time.

An operation is under way to clear the jellyfish from the waters near the power station and the reactors will be restarted once their numbers have gone down.

An EDF spokesman said: "Reduced cooling water flows due to ingress from jellyfish; seaweed and other marine debris are considered as part of the station's safety case and are not an unknown phenomenon.

Thought my lights dimmed out the other day...

 That’s it: I’m orf to check for Botnets.

 And today’s thought: "If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid."

 Angus